Put on anti d's today... Scared and do not want to tell anyone...

(34 Posts)
Madonna1987 Wed 18-Dec-13 20:54:32

Hi everyone
I have finally gone to the docs about pnd and feel so relieved bit scared too.

I feel after 8 months of dd being born i had to go. I love my dd and feel a good bond with her, but its everything else. The loss of me as i know 'me', the constant arguments with my dh. The money worries. The lack of feeling/love/lust for my dh (just feel completely numb to him)The hating where i live. The loss of ambition, the resentment of just about everyone (especially my lovely but over - imposing MIL)

I know if i didnt get help for my constant low mood and general hopelessness I may lose my dh amd he needs me too. More than anything i just want to be the best woman i can for my dd.

I have guilt about ending on ant ds as everyone told me not to rush into having a baby etc and i did and now i feel its my fault and im a failure and i have to live with the guilt forever. But on the other hand i feel like the depression is mot related to my daughter at all. As i have a great bond and love her dearly.

Its all so suffocating and isolating and no one would ever know as i have tried to hide it so well. I am telling no one but my dh as i so ashamed right now. Sorry for essay!!

CookieLady Wed 18-Dec-13 21:05:43

You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You're doing the right thing seeking help. See how you get on with the anti ds. Just don't expect an immediate impact as the take a bit of time before you notice a change.

You don't have to suffer alone. Telling people can help make you feel less isolated. It certainly helped me.

Wishing you all the best.

Madonna1987 Wed 18-Dec-13 22:23:00

Thanks cookie.
Im sure in time ill tell some selective mates. My family are close but i feel they would assume im over reacting ... Plus i dont want to worry my parents as they live far away.

Madonna1987 Thu 19-Dec-13 08:21:38

Im worried that I'm going to look back and regret being on an anti d at such a special time in my daughters life. I hope it doesn't make me numb / detached.

Thegreatunslept Thu 19-Dec-13 08:30:24

My ds is 6 months and I'm on ADs and have been from he was about 3months.
I was on them before for about 4 yrs, and managed to get off them for 2yrs and now back on them.
I don't feel like a failure at all they help me when I'm not at my best to cope better with everyday life and I will happily contine to take them for as long as I need them as it will benefit me, my ds, dsd and dp.
My family and good friends know that I'm on ADs and no-one treats me any differently but I do sometimes feel that they keep an eye on me more which I like as their support has helped me get used to being a mother as reality of it is different from the expectation.
Try an embrace this part of your life as you doing something good for you and your family and helping yourself be a better you.
Being on ADs isn't for life it's for helping you in the now.

Gladvent Thu 19-Dec-13 08:35:56

Madonna I could have written your exact post 7 years ago. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, or feel guilty for, you are not a failure. You have done exactly the right thing in getting help.

I was just like you - tons of love for DD but struggled with the rest of the world. Throughout my depression and treatment, DD and I have always had an amazing bond so please don't worry that the tablets will make you feel detached from her.

Well done and good luck [hug]

Strongecoffeeismydrug Thu 19-Dec-13 09:19:05

There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, why suffer when you don't have to.
As I see it if I've got a headache I take medication,if I had a cut I would have stitches wink.
If a tablet can help then it's so much better to take it.

Madonna1987 Thu 19-Dec-13 18:46:28

Thanks ladies. I hope i havent offended anyone stating how i feel ( ie failure etc) i am purely talking for me. I know many strong women whom are suffering with depression etc. i am always so hard on myself though !! Probably partly why im now in this place . I must admit i feel better knowing i am on the right track. I know i am doing the best for my daughter and my dh. I always try to keep happy around my dd anyway:.. But my poor dh gets it! Has anyone else experienced a real lack of love for their dh when going through pnd? I sometimes feel so nimb towards him... Like i just dont care... Its so awful ! I feel so terribly guilty. Guilt is a big thing for me, i feel guilt i had my dd so soon after meeting dh. I sh

Madonna1987 Thu 19-Dec-13 18:48:25

... Like rushing into things maybe caused me to not handle things as well ? I dunno. I guess its hormones too and they are not determined by my dh and our rlship haha! Thanks for the lovely replies - its so nice of you all x

CookieLady Thu 19-Dec-13 20:09:22

I definitely didn't have any feelings of love for my husband when the depression was at its worst. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You can't help how you feel right now. It will get better but it takes time.

Honestly, you need to stop feeling guilty. Easier said than done, I know, but it's feeding your depression. If that makes sense? It's like a cycle. You feel crap. You feel numb towards dh which in turn makes you feel guilty. This in turn compounds you feeling shit even more.

Take comfort in the fact that you are doing all you can to changes things.

kazza446 Thu 19-Dec-13 20:25:43

Don't beat yourself up over it. No one would flinch if you told them you had a physical health problem and were taking medication. They would expect it. Mental health difficulties should be seen in the same light. I was on anti d's this time last year as I felt exactly the same as you do now. The anti d's just lifted my mood and the dark cloud above me. They motivated me into starting to change my life. I started dieting to loose my baby weight and took to running so I could escape the house and my stresses. (Unfortunately my health kick then resulted in me being flipping uber fertile & dropping pregnant again - but that's another story!!) I came off mine when I found out I was pregnant and the black cloud has started to reappear. I won't hesitate on returning onto medication once baby is born. Talk to your friends, I bet you're surprised at how many people take meds or struggle with mental health difficulties. There's a really good video on YouTube called something like "the black dog" check it out. Don't put yourself down either, I'm sure you're not a failure! Sending you a big hug xx

kazza446 Thu 19-Dec-13 20:25:55

Don't beat yourself up over it. No one would flinch if you told them you had a physical health problem and were taking medication. They would expect it. Mental health difficulties should be seen in the same light. I was on anti d's this time last year as I felt exactly the same as you do now. The anti d's just lifted my mood and the dark cloud above me. They motivated me into starting to change my life. I started dieting to loose my baby weight and took to running so I could escape the house and my stresses. (Unfortunately my health kick then resulted in me being flipping uber fertile & dropping pregnant again - but that's another story!!) I came off mine when I found out I was pregnant and the black cloud has started to reappear. I won't hesitate on returning onto medication once baby is born. Talk to your friends, I bet you're surprised at how many people take meds or struggle with mental health difficulties. There's a really good video on YouTube called something like "the black dog" check it out. Don't put yourself down either, I'm sure you're not a failure! Sending you a big hug xx

Madonna1987 Fri 20-Dec-13 18:34:53

Cookie you are right about the cycle! Kazza i def think anti ds will give me the motivation ... I just have total apathy toward everything ( but my dd-thankfully) i get up and go out so i always believed i must be ok/ not drpressed. Hoever the effort it would take!! The anxiety all the time... The hopeless feeling of groundhog day/being a failure/suffocation. I tend to tell everyone my buisness then regret it. With this i am keeping it to myself and my dh and soon a counseller too. Its not horrific pnd ... And tbh the fluoxetine has already seemed to lift me slightly., smile thanks ladies

CookieLady Fri 20-Dec-13 20:02:46

I'm really pleased that you're feeling a bit better. X

pozzled Fri 20-Dec-13 20:14:00

Oh OP, I have been there. It took me a long time to realise something was wrong and I started the ADs when DD2 was around 8-9 months. I felt just like you- a failure, that I should be able to cope, that I should just 'get over it', that taking medication made me weak. But it was the pnd talking- those thoughts are not normal or rational.

The ADs made a huge difference to me- they lifted my mood and I was able to start seeing things much more accurately- I stopped assuming that everything was my fault.

Wrt telling people, I spoke to a couple of close friends at first and was surprised at how many people had been through it themselves. I still haven't told everyone though, only those that I knew would be supportive.

VenusDeWillendorf Fri 20-Dec-13 20:21:13

You don't have to tell anyone Madonna. There's no failure!

If you had a broken bone, you'd get a splint.

Same as this.

It's part of your PND that you feel so 'guilty'.

In a few weeks you'll be flying, and this will all seem like a bad dream.

Chin up and hang in there. You'll be feeling like your self in no time.
You don't need to tell anyone outside your GP and your DH. This is only temporary, and it's mostly hormonal.

Write a few notes at the end of the day to download your feelings, and keep a record of how well you are feeling in a few weeks when you look back at what you wrote today.

Madonna1987 Fri 20-Dec-13 21:03:58

Thanks - i hope i will feel much better by then! I hace fairh i will, thanks to peoples replies smile
Appreciate all your experiences ... Very informative and comforting! Did any of you take fluoxetine btw? I am having restless sleep and keep dropping things plus cold! Odd side effects... Feel a bit spaced. But im sure it will pas... If not ill inform doc
X

VenusDeWillendorf Fri 20-Dec-13 21:11:05

Good luck madonna.
It's baby steps day by day, this parenting, and one day you'll look back and realise how far you've come. You don't need to tell anyone that you're on ads. Keep your GP informed about how you're feeling, and tell your DH: they are on your team.

Make sure you're eating healthily, and take some multi vitamins and minerals: Solgar do a good one called female multiple, and it's fab.

Madonna1987 Fri 20-Dec-13 21:21:34

Thanks venus. Im def eating better and taking multi vit every day. I exercise (well walk lol) a lot too. I think thats why o nevr got rly rly bad to be honest. Apart from feeling a lil spced out now and then im feeling better. Still lotsa baby steps to go tho obv!

HorsePetal Fri 20-Dec-13 21:27:14

Don't be scared OP and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done a very brave thing and this is just the first step forward in getting yourself on track.

There is no right time to have a child. Ever! Even the most mentally prepared, financially stable people find that parenthood overwhelms them - particularly in the early days.

You have just produced a human being - no wonder that you feel your life has been turned upside down, but I promise you that it will all be ok.

The antidepressants won't make you better but they will help you to help yourself feel better (if that makes sense).

You would probably be surprised if you knew how many people in your close circle of friends are also on anti-depressants. It is very common and certainly not a sign of failure. But there's no reason to tell people if you don't want to.

Good luck OP and keep talking to us xxxx

Madonna1987 Sat 21-Dec-13 20:46:40

Thanks petal! Im getting there smile bad insomnia due to the prozac (i think...) but hopefully will pass!! X

HI Madonna

I've also just started Ads for PND, though I am really late getting to the AD party as my child is now 13.5months.

Please keep posting if you want to swap support as the Ads kick in?

What meds did you get prescribed? I've got setraline 50mg and I'm on day 4. Side effects noticeable but manageable so far.

take care

Madonna1987 Sun 22-Dec-13 09:28:45

Hi sheissmall....!
Thanks for your kind message smile what a good idea to support one another...i am on now day four on fluoxetine 20mg... I feel a bit better (perhaps just the placebo effect!) do you?
I am waking at 1 and 3 in morn tho and awake for some time so the insonnia is really the main prob. Do you have this? I do hope it goes or I will have change ADs as i cannot cope with no sleep all over again! I think lack of sleep is big contributary factor to my PND! My LO is 8 months now, she is a delight but evetything else is overwhelming for me.
Well done too for getting the help you need smile x

Katiejon Sun 22-Dec-13 21:41:43

Hi madonna.
I have a similar sleep pattern to you, due to feeding ds at nite. Bottle.
Am on prozac and feel much better.
I was v similar to you with dd.
Wish I had taken prozac when I was bad when dd was born.
Lack of sleep is terrible.
My psychiatrist prescribed sleeping tablets for when I really need to sleep.
Have only taken one, got a nite nurse in to feed ds as dh was worn out.
Dh now happy to feed at nite cos nurse cost £150!, but I had to sleep and dh was unable to keep his eyes open.

Madonna1987 Mon 23-Dec-13 20:31:44

Wow 150 for night nurse! Ouch! I could never afford that haha. Its hard going the lack of sleep. These ADs are still giving me insomnia sad but 6 days on them i do feel calmer despite no kip! Gotta keep on keeping on i guess!

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