I am trying to avoid full blown PND but my partner only cares about his own health

(4 Posts)
Blue73 Sat 30-Nov-13 21:54:27

I'm four months into being a mum and i love it but the lack of sleep is so hard, I'm 40 and physically feel the strain. I've had a couple of bad emotional patches. I've been to see the Dr and waiting for CBT appointment. My partner is freelance, he does help out with household and helps with our baby but at the price of hearing him constantly moan about how tired he is. He has had a cold for a couple of weeks and even though i went to visit family for four days while he caught up on sleep he says he's still suffering. He keeps complaining about how bad he feels. I love my baby and I don't resent the work involved, i just try to get on with it but I resent my partner for his constant moaning. Are all new fathers like this? I had my doubts about having a baby with him but he pursuaded me that he would help as much as possible and he does but with a side order of moaning. I am aware that right now I'm moaning but it has got to the point where any love I once felt for him is going. I can feel myself hardening towards him. I have tried talking to him but he just says that he has a right to say how he feels and that he has a right to be tired too. If I say I'm feeling knackered he just says I get enough sleep. Does it get any easier?

sykadelic15 Sat 30-Nov-13 22:23:10

The baby will eventually sleep enough that you'll start to feel less like a mum-zombie, but it likely won't help your relationship because you want it fixed while the sleeping issues are still there.. to show that your relationship can survive the stress.

His dismissal of YOUR tiredness yet his statements that he's allowed to whine shows little respect for how you're feeling... but maybe he's feeling like this has been all about you and little about him.

Maybe he's feeling unappreciated for what he's doing to keep the family running, helping around the house etc and is simply trying to fish for compliments.

Have you considered fighting with kindness? Next time he complains you give a compliment or positive reinforcement like "I know, but I really appreciate the help. It will get better" or ask him about his day (asking him to elaborate) to try and wind some of the work stress down before starting with the family stress.

Consider a friend or family member baby-sitting overnight, or during the weekend, to give you time together as a couple to regroup.

Blue73 Sat 30-Nov-13 22:30:11

I do think a lot of it is that he is not getting attention but he's 43 years-old and it's hard to feel that I have to stroke someone's ego. I do tell him that I appreciate him, today I took baby out to a friend's and told him to go back to bed. He has only ever once done that for me in the past four months and yet I've twice taken her to family so he can regroup. It's always about him and how he feels but it should be about us as a family. But I take your point, getting angry never helps.

SomePeopleAreIdiots Sat 07-Dec-13 00:12:33

Op, have you read the book What Mother's Do? It says that basically it's so exhausting looking after a baby because you are giving everything out to them and getting very little back. Therefore, it's the partner's job to look after you emotionally as well as physically in the early days so you can be the best mother to your dc.

My exh was like that and I'm afraid it wasn't a good sign. He would whine "I need some attention too" while I was dealing with a child who would not does not sleep. It's no conincidence that a lot of peope split up after having a kid and that it's also a common time for abuse to start.

Hopefully it won't get that bad for you. Can you try having a calm chat were you say you as a family are in a tricky situation right now so how about some ground rules. No moaning about tiredness, illness. ANd set up a rota for lie-ins. (If you are breastfeeding and doing all the nights, you get all the lie-ins btw.) And maybe say that him moaning is not attractive, sometimes you just need to be honest.

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