Hi
I just wrote a long post but something went wrong and it has deleted. I will just mention the basics.
I dont think I thought carefully enough about having a baby, I think it was a reaction to previous termination and I had convinced myself I wouldnt get pregnant again.
I am 27 yrs and 31 wks pg with first child. My relationship has been unstable previously but up until 5 months pg felt really good and stable. The rest of life wasnt stable as i was told by gp to come off my antidepressants immediately when 7 wks pg. I had a bad withdrawal and took two months off work for stress. At 5 ,months I was back at work and felt more content, however we then moved in with my bf's father to support him after an accident. We are still there living without much space at all. At 5 and half months I found out my bf had a one night stand two weeks prior. I reacted v badly, panic attacks, rage, anger, suicidal thoughts. We have been working through this however I now feel very unstable in the relationship, am questioning everything.
We are due to move into a house in an area we both like, closeish to family. However I am very unsettled when i see friends. None of them have children, they appear to have all options open still, whereas my life feels like it is over. I feel this isnt where I should be, am trapped forever with no prospect of fulfilling any dreams or ambitions. I dont feel excited, I feel numb and sad.
I am having thoughts of wanting to be erased and to just click my fingers and my mess of a life will go away. I feel so guilty for these thoughts. I am now one week back on my antidepressants after talking to my consultant. Some days are bearable but the smallest thing can trigger me off. Today it was a friend asking after an ex bf of mine who is travelling the world, saying "wow its crazy to thin k how different your life could have been". I have been turning this phrase over in my head for hours, crying as I feel I will always regret not doing more adventurous things before having my little boy. i am now just numb and dont know what to do. I am so worried io will have pnd and that everything will crash down around me and i will end up on a psych ward.
Dont know what to do. I am anxious and so full of fear.
Feel bit silly posting, and selfish.
Thanks.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
feel my life is over, so sad and fearful. 31 wks
2 replies
beltanelove · 27/11/2013 14:15
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