feel my life is over, so sad and fearful. 31 wks

(3 Posts)
beltanelove Wed 27-Nov-13 14:15:00

Hi

I just wrote a long post but something went wrong and it has deleted. I will just mention the basics.

I dont think I thought carefully enough about having a baby, I think it was a reaction to previous termination and I had convinced myself I wouldnt get pregnant again.

I am 27 yrs and 31 wks pg with first child. My relationship has been unstable previously but up until 5 months pg felt really good and stable. The rest of life wasnt stable as i was told by gp to come off my antidepressants immediately when 7 wks pg. I had a bad withdrawal and took two months off work for stress. At 5 ,months I was back at work and felt more content, however we then moved in with my bf's father to support him after an accident. We are still there living without much space at all. At 5 and half months I found out my bf had a one night stand two weeks prior. I reacted v badly, panic attacks, rage, anger, suicidal thoughts. We have been working through this however I now feel very unstable in the relationship, am questioning everything.

We are due to move into a house in an area we both like, closeish to family. However I am very unsettled when i see friends. None of them have children, they appear to have all options open still, whereas my life feels like it is over. I feel this isnt where I should be, am trapped forever with no prospect of fulfilling any dreams or ambitions. I dont feel excited, I feel numb and sad.

I am having thoughts of wanting to be erased and to just click my fingers and my mess of a life will go away. I feel so guilty for these thoughts. I am now one week back on my antidepressants after talking to my consultant. Some days are bearable but the smallest thing can trigger me off. Today it was a friend asking after an ex bf of mine who is travelling the world, saying "wow its crazy to thin k how different your life could have been". I have been turning this phrase over in my head for hours, crying as I feel I will always regret not doing more adventurous things before having my little boy. i am now just numb and dont know what to do. I am so worried io will have pnd and that everything will crash down around me and i will end up on a psych ward.

Dont know what to do. I am anxious and so full of fear.

Feel bit silly posting, and selfish.

Thanks.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Nov-13 18:54:05

You are a good person who has had a lot happen in the past few months, please can you share this with a loved family member? Your anti-depressants may not have kicked in yet but you can access your consultant or GP and even in the early hours you can phone the Samaritans to talk to, you are not alone.

You won't be expected to do all this by yourself. I have faith you'd receive lots of support from any services involved.

Always be completely honest and open with your GP or HV. It may feel like it will last forever but I am convinced with the correct treatment you'll able to function properly. I don't have knowledge in this area I won't lie to you but I gather children’s services will only remove children where they feel there is a significant risk. They willingly work with parents to make sure that both parents and children are safe and well.

I wasn't "clucky" before I got pregnant, and weeks before I was due I'd get up and pace the floor, wondering what I was letting myself in for. I wasn't depressed, I won't pretend, but it was new for me and my partner. I had doubts, what did I know about babies, even had to be shown how to put a nappy on at the hospital.

When we are the first in our peer group to settle down and then have a baby, it can feel like we're out on a limb. In reality I have noticed a kind of ripple effect, one couple starts it and then gradually others follow.

Plus you do meet other new parents, not everyone's an expert by any means, it is surprising how babies can open doors in a sense. Of course your own family will very likely be interested and want to see you and get involved. There is a whole raft of professionals to guide you and look out for you and your baby.

Yes you may regret not doing adventurous stuff before having a baby but the chance will come afterwards, believe me. This is not centuries' ago when having a baby was the start of endless children and no prospects.

I really would urge you to be completely honest and open with how you are feeling then you can be treated fully and correctly.

SomePeopleAreIdiots Fri 06-Dec-13 23:57:24

You have been through such a lot. Yes maybe you will have pnd but the best thing you can do is be honest with your mw about what is going on.

While you are pregnant is actually the best time to get some help because once the baby is here you will have your hands full and it's a pain to sort appointments around naps and feeds.

And yes a newborn is very intense and limits your life but it's not like that forever. Ds is three and at nursery so I get some free time again. I've been abroad with him on my own a few times.

It's different but it's not all bad. And I had terrible feelings of doom and numbness when he was born.

Hang on in there and don't be afraid to ask for help.

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