Struggled with AND but put it down to missing cigs. Somewhat stupidly, I now see.
When my DD arrived via EMCS and I had a major PPH and failed to establish breast feeding, I tried to hold myself together. I absolutely adored my DD.
After the colic and really bad reflux where every single feed was a nightmare, I became quite detached. The endless crying, the planking when trying to feed. The endless arguments with DH because the endless crying/screaming isn't a pleasant backdrop to normal life.
The endless weigh ins. Plateauing then dropping then being told we should worry, then we shouldn't, we should do this or that. My parents and my PIL had their own views. We were just worrying too much. Even when she wasn't taking anything at all, we were just worrying too much. We weren't.
Now she's 6 mo and objectively I see that she is still as adorable as ever, but there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm underwater, I try to reach for Nice Mummy but she's not there, I have no niceness left, I'm Horrid Mummy. I feel like everyone can tell. I'm living a lie. At least once a day I fantasise about leaving her and my DH.
I'm scared of saying I think I have PND and it turning out that this isn't PND. It's not fixable. What if it's not?
Really struggling and just don't know what to do anymore.
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Terrified to admit I have PND. What if I'm just shit at this and it won't ever get better?
32 replies
purrtrillpadpadpad · 12/11/2013 19:06
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