Before I found out I was pregnant I was suffering from depression and anxiety and was undergoing CBT and taking AD which if I'm honest didn't seem to be helping too much.
I was so sick at the start of my pregnancy my depression was suddenly cast aside as I felt too ill to even think, let alone get caught in negative thought patterns, when I knew about my baby, anxiety, excitement and the prospect of motherhood seemed to take over and I felt uplifted, happy and free from depression almost overnight. I realise now I was probably naive with regards to hoping it had just 'gone away'. I've had a few hormonal wobbles but generally felt ok emotionally until about 3 weeks ago. I've been thinking about worthlessness, general self doubt and most worryingly about hurting myself again. I feel empty and now devoid of any excitement. I feel like I am going to be a terrible mother and partner and that generally my life is over. I feel guilty that I'm not eagerly awaiting my sons birth but rather dreading the future.
I keep crying whenever I have a minute alone.
This week I've returned to work after holiday off and some time off with horrific all over body rash (PEP) caused by my pregnancy, I can't sleep as I am awake all night itching, I'm covered from the neck down in hideous red blotches and feel even more unattractive than I ever had before and I've just developed a terrible sore throat and cold. I can't take any more time off work but already feel exhausted and generally pathetic. My cat was killed last month and I seem to constantly think and obsess over that and how he died alone and its my fault for not checking he was in that first night.
I dont want to be on medication but I don't want this to escalate like it did before.
I feel so miserable and don't know why anyone would care about or love me. I feel like I've ruined DPs life by getting pregnant and tying him to me forever. I just hate myself and have no idea what I can offer to those I love, let alone a child.
I don't really know why I'm even writing this. last time writing things down felt helpful and mumsnet has been rather supportive over the last few months so, there you go!
I am going through a similar thing at the moment - serious depression, dark thoughts and frequent panic attacks. I spoke to my gp and he was really helpful and put me in touch with various support services. I don't know if you've already done this, but if not then please do give it a try. It somehow makes it all so much worse when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have been put back on medication, but i recognise thats not for everyone, particularly if you didnt find it helping before. If you think he will be supportive, I'd also speak to your partner. It helps to know there is someone there who knows what is going on.
Things I have been told in the past few days: don't feel guilty, depression is an illness not you, everyone worries about loving their baby, take each day at a time.
I'm feeling pretty similar too. Perhaps it might help to talk to your partner, hopefully he will be supportive and make you feel more reassured. I was already on Sertraline before I got pregnant but it's supposed to be one of the safest anti-depressants in pregnancy, and you can breast feed while taking it as well. I understand you don't want to be on medication, my GP mentioned putting me on another anti-depressant as well, and I don't want to risk any more. You're not alone in feeling like this. Try and talk to somebody and see if you feel any better, then maybe go to your GP. :-)