Does anyone regret having children

(33 Posts)
Rightdecision1 Tue 16-Jul-13 03:40:59

I'm 7 weeks pregnant and not one bit excited. I hate how being pregnant makes me feel, how it makes me look. I work with children as a nanny and love what I do. Therefore knowing exactly what we have got ourselves in for. People say it will be different when its your own but I really don't believe them. Please don't think im a shitty person for asking this question but am I going to regret this?
My husband also is unsure though I think deep down he likes the idea. He is a very busy person always of on work trips here and there. I don't want to have to do this on my own and god forbid there is something wrong with it. I really don't think I could handle it. We have no family close by to help out. So would have to rely on day care and nannies etc.

I'm 35 and tought that I really wanted this but as time has gone on my thoughts have really changed. I don't want to let anyone down family husband etc as there super excited but I really don't think my hearts in this and if I did go ahead and do it I may be doing it for the wrong reasons.
Please help me!!!

invicta Tue 16-Jul-13 03:59:18

I'm sorry you feel like this. Depression in pregnancy is not unusual. Your hormones are raging, plus there's fear of the unknown.

Maybe project your life in the future - do you see yourself with or without children? Have you always wanted children? Why is it you have changed your mind? Having children will mean your life will change, but you adapt to that, and things which may seem like obstacles have a habit of sorting themselves out.

scared27 Tue 16-Jul-13 11:59:40

I don't have any advice but wanted you to know I'm going through the exact same thing. I don't know how anyone really knows what they want I certainly don't know.

Like you my hearts not in it either and I worry that I will end up resenting and rejecting the child.

You said that you thought you really wanted this was that before you got pregnant?

Rightdecision1 Wed 17-Jul-13 03:32:59

Hi there scared27, you know to read your post was such a relief to hear I'm not the oly person feeling this way. Yesterday after posting this I actually called a pregnancy depression hotline and spoke with a lovely lady who asked me could I see my future with children and when I honestly thought about it I couldn't and she asked well why did I think that I wanted them so badly at the beginning of the year and I can honestly say the reason was to please my parents. They are so desperate for grandchildren and I just wanted them to be happy. Not that there not already but I have a need to please everybody around me and always say yes to everybody. Now I'm in this sticking situation!!!! My husband thank The Lord is more or less on side too. He's really unsure about children and always has been but wonders if we will regret it when we're older? Who knows but is rather know now than when it's to late and I'm stuck with a child for the rest of my life that will change my life so dramatically and I only ever did it to please someone else. I hope you find your answer soon and if you need me I'm hear to listen and help you.

scared27 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:08:51

Thanks RightDecision, I have pm'd you hope you don't mind!

invicta Sat 20-Jul-13 18:52:05

Hope you are all alright

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 20-Jul-13 18:54:30

Before I had children I never wanted them. I worried I wouldn't love my child, that I wouldn't want to give up the life I had for a child.

However, after the birth of my DD I felt different. I couldn't imagine my life without her.

Some days are very hard, but I don't regret having her smile

Hope that helps.

RatherUninspired Sun 21-Jul-13 09:21:27

Hi, I am almost 9 months gone (!) and also question my decision to have children, even now.. I made the decision at a really difficult time in my life where my job was going horrendously and was having relationship difficulties and if I am honest part of me saw having a baby as a 'way out' which I now know it isn't. I think I will be an ok mum but I am so 'not bothered' about the idea. I keep getting advice from well meaning friends that to be quite frank I don't want or ask for and makes me feel even worse as it shows how much care and prep they are putting into birth and motherhood. It just all seems a big hassle to me. I sometimes feel like I am the only one going through pregnancy who is just like 'yeh it is a bit s**t' and I see motherhood as just another part of life. I never did not want to become a mother I just did not want it to define me like it seems to now! I am still a person aren't I in my own right? Obviously not to some people! I used to be so independent but now would happily stay in the house all day than parade my pregnant self around for others to stare and make comments/give unasked for advice to. I have always been as much as possible a private person and feel pretty violated when people think they can just talk to me and tell me whatever they like now I am pregnant... whats worse is I feel you have to show how grateful you are for this and don't ever dare telling people to butt out/be a bit off for fear of seeming ungrateful and being a bad mother-to-be. I have always worked and just see motherhood as a personal thing and am careful what I say to others. I would not expect to be stopped in the street and quizzed about my weight and lifestyle choices as a non pregnant woman and I don't see what difference being pregnant is - my god how wrong/naive I was about that though! I did not realise being pregnant made me fair game for all and sundry to feel the need to talk to.

I get a bit fed up also how it seems that if you do express anything but underlying joy and happiness about motherhood and pregnancy people seem to assume you have some kind of mental disorder like post natal depression! I am starting to find that a bit annoying. I have no doubt that depression and anxiety and true and disabling conditions but also it seems that in todays society we are frequently citing anything, be it thoughts/feelings about pregnancy that are not 'the ideal norm' as a indicator that someone is mentally ill. Surely that just prevents women from speaking out/feeling they can express their views as 'normal women' as no one wants to not only feel a bit crap and then told that because they are not happy they must have some kind of mental illness. Are we living in the 21st century?!

I just hope this gets better/stops when the baby is born? please tell me it does or I think I might actually go crazy!

Right decision and Scared27 - I too don't have advice for you other than I feel quite similar. I don't know whats happened in society to make us feel so bad about not being overjoyed by pregnancy and why it seems (to me) so unacceptable to be anything but obsessed with pregnancy. I must say though I think I would have been gutted if I could never have children. I have a good friend who has been trying for several years and all she has ever wanted is children which sometimes I find hard to get but I guess it puts things into perspective (although does make me feel a bit ungrateful and guilty for how I feel sometimes too!). My advice to you would be to read other blogs and posts here and elsewhere but also read widely about the 'ideaized view of pregnancy' and try and inform yourselves so you don't judge yourself too harshly for your views and feelings. One book by a feminist sociologist is called 'misconceptions' - you can get it cheap on amazon. Its not specifically about not wanting to be a mother and it is a tad 'american' and outdated but it does show that there are some intelligent women out there writing about the 'other side' of pregnancy and childbirth and that its not all fairy stories.

I just wish there were more honest blogs/pregnancy guides out there that don't assume you are overjoyed to be expecting and just tell you all the bad stuff and be factual. I find a lot of the pregnancy books just really patronizing. I have a degree and career and have always prided myself on seeing myself 'no different' to a man in terms of logic and finance, equality etc but part of me wonders if I would be better off reading a pregnancy book aimed at men. I doubt they would patronize each other in the same way as the booked aimed at us women do.

Anyway... rant over but I hope you feel less alone from reading this. I personally think I will be a good mum but I have a feeling that I will rattle a few cages/shock along the way when I refuse to keep my sometimes 'socially unacceptable' (could I call this realism?!) views to myself... but maybe this may make some other mums elsewhere not feel like such a failure/alone in their dread or indifference to motherhood.

PeriodFeatures Sun 21-Jul-13 20:05:25

Hi. I feel really ambivalent at the moment too. It's really hit me this week that my life is going to change enormously and my identity as an independent person is now changing. I have about 6 weeks to go until I am a mum and although I feel i can do the job and will love my baby, i'm petrified that I am going to be bored and miserable in the process.

It doesn't help having family who are uber committed SAHM who's children are their lives. I am sick of the 'when are you due, what are you having, having you got a name yet?' questions from complete bloody strangers, I feel enormous and tired.

I look at peoples constant facebook updates about their children and could weep with boredom and confusion at just how small their lives appear to be...and how happy they seem to be with it!!

To be honest, I have had the most assurances and realism from Social Workers (at work) about pregnancy and being a mum. I have had them say things like, I expect you'll be ready to come back to work sooner than you think! One told me she was still writing court reports on the day of her C section and another lovely lovely very senior sw who i hugely admire told me not to bother going out spending loads of money on baby things, you won't need it. Then wen't on to tell me how her DC slept in a drawer regularly as a baby.

YES Uninspired. I wholeheartedly join you in your thinking!!! I feel sick of this guilt inducing commercialism of pregnancy that is peddled out...
I actually wonder what kind of children are being raised in this culture too.

I made a decision not to read any parenting manuals or books. I have got a basic and very nice realistic guide that I found in a charity shop. That's all.
It's not bloody lovely, we are not all 'Blooming' with pink flowers coming out of every orriface and cooing over little clothes with applique animals all over them. Bugger off.

RoseFlowerFairy Sun 21-Jul-13 20:07:05

I have not for the children or my time with them, though it is hard at times. My regret is the Father I chose for them and the trouble he has caused in our lives.

Mycatistoosexy Sun 21-Jul-13 20:20:27

Maybe it would help to see pregnancy as a relatively short phase of your life rather than something that defines you forever. Enjoy it as much as possible for what it is, a portion of your life.

Similarly when the baby is born, you will be a mother but you'll still be you. You may not do the same things every day or have the same day-to-day activities but you'll still be you. The overwhelming all-encompassing phase is only while they are little an gain is a passing phase, a portion of your life to enjoy as much as you can.

It is true that you can't know how you'll really feel about your children, about being a mother until your baby is born in my opinion. It's not like you have a reference point, a similar experience on which to gauge how you'll react.

Also you can't expect to be super excited about every day with your children either. It is relentless and hard sometimes. You need to figure what works best for you going on as a parent.

Long rambly post sorry, just wanted to help you feel more relaxed about what lies ahead

neontetra Sun 21-Jul-13 20:22:36

I felt very ambivalent during my own (planned) pregnancy, and as for dh, he was more or less suicidal! What I would say, is that for us both, the reality of our lovely baby when she arrived was very different from the abstract idea of a baby - we wouldn't be without her now! Also, I think people exaggerate the way having a child totally changes your life - there are changes, obviously, buy IME it does not have to alter beyond recognition. Though I suspect sticking at one may be the key to this! Anyway, good luck to all, whatever you decide.

scared27 Mon 22-Jul-13 09:16:38

Never has 9 months seemed like such a long length of time, like a prison sentence! I'm gripped by overwhelming fear at the moment and the only time I feel ok is when I'm asleep so I'm just sleeping - A LOT!

I guess the way to approach it is like a new job, you never know what to expect and it will take you a while to fit in but once you do it'll be like you've always been there.

neontetra Mon 22-Jul-13 14:13:28

How much longer have you got to go, Scared? So sorry you are feeling like this - anyone in RL you can talk to?

Ragwort Mon 22-Jul-13 14:16:37

I don't think you are alone in thinking this, it is one of the great 'taboos' that you mustn't admit to not wanting a child. I was very reluctant to have a child, my DH was very, very keen. Of course I love my child now but I am totally not one of those mothers who thinks 'motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me'. It isn't, by a long way.

Have a search on mumsnet because there are a lot of threads about this subject.

neontetra Mon 22-Jul-13 14:18:23

Sorry, posted too soon - am not sure there's much correlation between how people feel during pregnancy and afterwards. The people I know who have been fearful they wouldn't cope, love the child etc (like me and dh) have often found actual parenthood fairly easy, whilst some people who are convinced they will find it easy beforehand really struggle. This is just my anecdotal experience, of course.

Theodorarosepetal Mon 22-Jul-13 14:40:19

I agree, we have always been one of those couples who couldn't care less about other people's children. They seem boring and annoying. I love my life as an independent adult and really don't believe all that rubbish about a child changing your life. My life feels pretty amazing and fulfilled without children. However, I have now found myself pregnant. I feel blessed and am trying to view it as a very special gift. I think I will be fine once the baby arrives (if I am lucky enough to have a healthy baby). But I still think life without children is very wonderful too. I think a lot of parents are really struggling with their lifestyle change. One more open friend confirms having children is a bit shit a lot if the time! I hope I am more realistic about the realities of life with children, I don't expect it to be a bed of roses, but if it is I will at least have a pleasant surprise.

keskiviikko Mon 22-Jul-13 14:51:38

A thread that doesn't make me feel like some sort of monster.

scared27 Mon 22-Jul-13 15:47:09

Neontetra - I'm not even sure how far along I am - I have a 1st scan booked for Thursday so hopefully that will stir some kind of emotion in me and prove that I'm not dead inside but who knows...

I like the idea of stopping at one!

keskiviikko you are definitely not a monster!

purrpurr Mon 22-Jul-13 16:10:03

Love this thread. I have a 9 week old, love her to bits but every day I wish I could just have half an hour from my old life, because I did not appreciate what I had. Mainly just the time to lie in bed all morning, or chainsmoke in the garden, or get incredibly drunk. Or watch something good on Tv that requires concentration. Hey ho.

My DH is already twatting on about producing a sibling for our DD. I am horrified. I've barely healed from my emergency c section, I haven't slept since April. Sometimes I'm so tired I think I'm going to throw up. No bloody bastard way in hell am I doing pregnancy, labour or the newborn stage ever, and I mean ever, again. But it's almost like I don't get a say. As soon as I peed on a stick last August I became public property. An incubator. If I need to get my foof sewn shut to make sure we don't have another one, I'll do it.

scared27 Mon 22-Jul-13 18:28:17

Haha PurrPurr that made me laugh! Please tell me you have had some sleep?! If not I can wire you some money to go and get a nice hotel for the night while your OH babysits!

purrpurr Mon 22-Jul-13 21:04:27

No sleep here but I have all the wine in the world :D thanks for the offer, I might treat myself for my birthday...

Or I might break SIDS guidelines and put DD in her own room and loathe myself for the rest of my life.

They don't tell you about this crap beforehand for a reason methinks...

neontetra Tue 23-Jul-13 19:40:00

Scared, even if the scan doesn't make you feel better about the pregnancy, even if (and of course, I hope it doesn't), it makes you feel worse, this doesn't make you dead on the inside. It is, in fact, a rational, intelligent response to feel like this, in a very scary circumstance, in my opinion. My dh walked out of my first scan (to throw up, I suspect). Termination does remain an option, if you are ethically comfortable wi

neontetra Tue 23-Jul-13 19:42:07

Sorry, with it. As someone who has been there and very luckily come out the other side happy, I do sincerely wish you the best.

Masai Tue 23-Jul-13 19:52:10

Yes i regret having kids.

But only when they are screaming blue murder at each other at the top of their voices and everyone in the village can hear them and they are ignoring me because the both get PMT at the same time. 17 and 15 yr old girls

And when im practically on my knees in tears from exhaustion because there is no respite in the running around yes i regret having them.

All you wimmins that moan about the little ones... You have no idea whats about to hit you when the little darlings are teenagers!

Ps... Just seen the new royal baby and now i feel broody. God help me.

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