I just needed to write down how I am feeling at the moment as it seems to be taking over the days, I apologise if it long winded. Not sure if this is extended baby blues or PND but need the fog to clear that seems to surround me.
I had the birth all planned out at the local birthing centre and had wanted to stay for a few days (this is my second baby, I have a DD aged 6). The birth went to plan but unfortunately I had to be transferred by ambulance to a hospital an hour away due to a third degree tear. This I found quite a traumatic experience and took away the 'special' time I had planned at the centre. It meant my DD1 couldn't visit straight away and my parents had to wait. Then it was chaotic when they visited due to checks on me etc. I tranferred back to the centre but although I could have stayed longer I came home the next day. This I regret hugely and wish I had stayed on to spend time with my new baby solely (yet at the time all I wanted was to go home to my daughter and my bed/shower, I felt like the experience of being there had been spoilt). The following days at home were so busy as I wanted to show my DD1 that life could carry on as normal as she was struggling and I ended up exhausted. All I can think about is my regrets over this, also phonecalls I didn't make earlier to my parents, the experience of my DD1 visiting for the first time etc etc. I won't be having another baby and I won't get this time back.
Then the blues hit and I crashed big time!! I have been crying over everything, I went through a spell of wanting things to go back to before the birth of DD2, I mourned the loss of the 1:1 time I had with DD1 - everything became too much. I have been overthinking everything and regretting every decision I have made in the past 3 weeks - I now want to replay it all and do it differently. I feel like I have come home with a new baby and expecting to be superwoman and carry on as normal. My husband only had a week off work (which included the 3 days in hospital) and I so wanted him to have the extra week. I feel the last 3 weeks have been a blur and we have had no 'special' time where life has slowed down - maybe it can't being as we already have a child. My mum has been a tower of strength to me and I couldn't have got through the past couple of weeks without her.
My DD2 is now 3 weeks and I adore her, she feeds well and is gaining weight and we already have some sort of routine going. I wanted this baby for so long and it has taken a long 4 years to get here. Maybe I am expecting perfection when it can't be. After all, she has arrived healthly and well - what more can you ask for?
It has been suggested that this may be the start of PND, just want to feel better to really enjoy this time. Sorry for the waffle - needed to vent as OH getting bored now. x
You've had a traumatic experience and this, coupled with the massive changes in hormones, the physical effort of giving birth and then the effort required to look after a child, and a newborn, well, its a lot to cope with.
Have the MWs told you about the birth trauma association? Its there for women just like you, who's entire labour didnt go the way they had planned.
Who mentioned that this could be the start of PND? Was it a HCP? What did they suggest? Bi think it might be a good idea to talk to the apni. Their helpline is open now and you can vent all you like . They can also best advise you on how to move on from here. If you get any time to read, you might like this book
I had a time when I was over thinking after a particularly unpleasant mc, CBT really helped and might be worth considering, see what the APNI say, but try to keep an open mind. If you go to the GP and they suggest ADs, there are some you can take if you are bfing too
I think you have to be moew open mined and accepting of how the birth went, it hardly ever goes the way you want it too and that is not a failing in any way, it's just nature. Ask yourself, would you have wanted just to be left with a 3rd degree tear? You could not have been a good Mum with a tear, so I should imaging the answer is no. My 1st born was 5 weeks early and spent 5 weeks in special baby care, he's now 11 and a big ball of cuddly love, at the time I was worried about the lack of contact and time together but I look back now and think it did not matter one jot!
The time you had then, however you had it was special, and the time you are having now is special. So what if you parents had to wait, I am sure they understood. I have never understood this panic to see the baby the minute it's born, back off the baby is here for a long time! It's all a bit chaotic when baby number 2 arrives, I remember shouting at my Mum to stop taking bloody photographs with a flash in the hospital room 10 mins after she arrived!!
I also think with child number two, and I have just under 5 years between my two boys, you do feel worried that you won't have enough love for baby no 2, but I think you just crack open a new seam of love, like coal mining, you just did a little bit and there it is, a new seam of love for the new baby! Speacial time is all the time, 5 mins here and there, or hours and hours, don't count it, just do it. It's unrealistic to think life would carry on the same, it won't, it's just different and a new phase of your life. Get DD involved, pass me a nappy/muslin, get her to sing to the new baby, play games etc etc. You could also squeeze in some older DD and you time, once a week my Mum babysay whilst I went to get my eldest son from school and we just went to Costa or somewhere for an hour, for chat and a slice of cake, it was great and we kept up our bond that was never in any danger of breaking.
When my 2nd son was born DH had 5 days off then went back to work Mon - Fri away from the house, some days and nights were hideous but my Mum really helped and so did friends. You will get through this and all will be really good, you are being so hard and mean on yourself, how about you show yourself some kindness and love, you've had a baby and are doing well, celebrate this and stop with the negative head spin. Concentrate and the hear and now and enjoy your family. My two adore each other despite the age gap and it is so heartwarming to see them play and enjoy each other. I don't think it's PND and just think it's being tired and over thinking, breathe and breathe and breathe again and focus on today and today only because that is what matters most.
Thank you both for your replies, both of which were a good support. Reading back over my post I can see how negative my mind set had got. It was the midwife who suggested PND as she continued to see me for some extra sessions as was concerned about how emotional I was being. Today, I actually feel a bit more level headed and calmer and rather silly now to have got in such a state over things that don't really matter in the long run - guess you can't control things sometimes. I have made an appointment with a kineisiologist to get my hormones worked on which should help. The health visitor has now been and spent a long time with me and she has suggested it is more birth trauma (as you suggested jiltedjohnsjulie) plus hormones and will monitor me to see how I pick up. Thank you jiltedjohnsjulie for the links, they were useful to look at. Grants, your post made me stop and think which I needed and helped me with a bit of a reality check. Thank you both. The only way is up now!