Postnatal depression vs "not coping"

(29 Posts)
Apparentlychilled Mon 10-Jun-13 10:17:05

Hi all

I had PND with both DC (was on ADs for 6 months with DS (20 months) but not DD, who is 4.5). My PIL are nice people but utterly clueless (eg apparently I have nothing to be depressed about and I should just have been grateful for what I have. Hmm, like it's that easy). Since having DS, PIL have repeatedly said they think we shouldn't have any more DC as I "can't cope". Actually, I can. I was sick and I got medical and practical help. Not from PIL, mind you (which is fine, that's their choice, but my point is that it's not like I've ruined their lives by imposing on them).

I'm now pg with DC3. DH has made a few comments about me "not coping" third time round esp as my due date is around his busiest time of year, so after paternity leave he will be working long hours. I've pointed out that I feel really judged by his choice of words, and that PND does not equal not coping- it's an illness.

I'm apprehensive of telling PIL about this baby - I really don't want to hear about how I won't be able to cope, so I've told DH he has to tell them by himself and also that they have to button it.

I spoke to a friend who pointed out that most new mums struggle with a newborn- they're lovely but hard work and that it does pass.

I guess I feel pretty vulnerable about all this. My family are chuff all use by way of support, so it's a matter of me looking after myself.

Anyone got any words of wisdom for when people say having PND means you can't cope?

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 17:55:33

Sorry Hearts, just realised I never replied to your earlier post. V early- 7 weeks today, I think. Going to a family funeral in 10 days, after 2nd early scan (couldn't see heartbeat at 1st one last week as it was too early), so probably going to tell them then (esp as I have a definite bump already- bonkers).

Oh, I did reply- no brain today. Saw GP today to chat through worries about PND x3 and am seeing her every 4 weeks for the length of my pregnancy. She also suggested keeping up the counselling (which I started after the ectopic in October) and also said MW would be able to offer some support, so all that feels good. Feel a bit less panicked about it all today.

How great that you have a supportive GP and counselling in place already. Counselling plus ADs really helped me. I was sad to have to stop breastfeeding so early but I really needed the meds! My therapist was great. I sometimes wish I could go back and tell her how well we are all doing now and how much she helped me and my family... Haven't seen her for 5 years though. I guess that's a good thing!

Apparentlychilled Tue 11-Jun-13 19:34:09

I know - she is an absolute gem. God bless the NHS- I've totally had my value from it!

And I know what you mean about feeling nothing but gratitude to those who have helped you before- my old GP was also amazing and I still think of her v fondly (I used to go to her weekly w PND w DD for a cry and a chat. She was lovely).

Current GP (moved to new area while I was preg w DS) also said I should find out what ante natal and post natal groups are about. I'm even thinking of checking out a local ante natal yoga class. To be honest, the idea of yoga brings me out in a cold sweat (I last did it circa 1990, as a 16 year old at school. Let's just say, a room full of 16 year olds and a slightly hippy-ish yoga teacher was a recipe for much bafflement and piss taking), but it might be a good way to meet other women in the same situation, as I found some baby groups a bit intimidating 2nd time round (after I'd had DS).

CabbageHead Wed 12-Jun-13 12:58:17

I dont think the label really matters... I was 'diagnosed' with PND, but i really had post natal anxiety if anything for first 4mths..combine that with angry depressed unsupportive DH, ignorant inlaws and their children, my own unsupportive family and really unsettled baby and me, majorly sleep deprived, who is extremely patient, stoic and capable...'i didnt cope!!!' I can look back now and laugh about it but it was a very hurtful time (and still is on many occasions). Thank god for great friends!

My DH kept going on about me not coping because i wasn't doing the things i normally do, which is keep him motivated, organised etc because he is so reliant on me so it was a big shock for him and i think a bit scary, because he relies on me so much to be the capable one.

It is so easy to remain so offended by others ignorance and lack of support makes me so angry when you know you are doing a great job, all your friends know and trust you enough to have confidence in you, but others that are seemingly closer to you just DONT GET IT...

All you can do is surround yourself as much as possible with people who do get it, and roll your eyes at the ones who don't.. And if you think carefully about them, you will find that beneath their ignorant, judgemental or bland exterior there will be motives for their reasoning, perhaps a fear themselves that its too much for them to address in themselves, or in your MIL case maybe that she just has never had a life so has lived thru this false status of being the martyr? Everyone has weakness i find that better to focus on than spending all my time being angry at them.. And be strong within yourself to have achieved what you have under your particular circumstances, family history etc.

As for ur DH maybe you could show him some useful articles onPND to remind him... Or get him to go to a group or counselling session with you. At the end if the day, your children will love you for who you are and thats what counts.

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