Need help, scared and lonely.

[Mrskgee]

I had my 3rd daughter just over a month ago, i had her via elective c section which went awfully wrong. My eldest daughter is 3, I was induced with her (pre e) and had a terrible forceps delivery which damaged my pelvis and left me with 3rd/4th degree tearing. With my 2 year old I had an elective c section which was a perfect experience so I just expected that my c section would be fabulous this time too. I was wrong.

I had awful adhesions which meant my organs were stuck so badly to my uterus they couldn't get baby out. Once they finally managed it, they'd managed to cut open both my bowel and bladder. They then managed to hit a blood vessel and told me I needed to be put to sleep. I remember lying there, waiting to be put to sleep, hearing the surgeons talking about how bad the situation was and thinking I'd never see my new baby or see my babies and husband again. The last thing I saw as my eyes closed was the lead surgeon (whom they'd beeped) with his hand on his forehead, shaking his head.

When I woke I was having a blood transfusion and was told by the lead surgeon that I'd need a catheter for 3 weeks and that my recovery time would be doubled, from the usual 6weeks to 12 weeks. He told me it was the worst section he'd ever done and that I'd almost died twice. worst of all, he said if I get pregnant again it will be life threatening.

I wake every single night crying and shaking as I've dreamed about it, I get flashbacks constantly and just want to talk about it all the time. On top of that I have this horrible fear of my new baby growing, I stay awake as long as I can as I don't want her to be another day older. I hate that she's a month old. I hate it. I want her to stay newborn. Its such a desperate want and need, I can barely handle it.

What's wrong with me? Please help.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

You need to talk to someone, you've had an awful, traumatic time, and you need for it to be taken seriously.
It sounds like at some point you need someone to talk through options such as what is you want another baby but that can wait
Please ask for a birth debrief
Have you spoken to your MW/HV about how you feel
and you're right, it's not fair that this is wrecking your first precious few weeks. So make it a priority to get it sorted. Your baby will be fine but you owe it to YOURSELF
How are you feeding her?
Congratulations - it may not feel like it now, but hopefully you'll be back on track soon. Are you getting hlp with your older DC?

[Roshbegosh]

You have just been through one of the worst traumas imaginable. It will take time. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your GP but remember it would NOT be normal to feel ok after that. Things will get better and you can have a great future with your DC

[LemonPeculiarJones]

How frightening, you poor thing OP

You need support, now - you need counselling for the awful trauma you've been through.

Please, please make sure you get it, and make sure that everyone who loves you knows you need help with this.

You will recover with time and with love.

So sorry you're going through this. Hang in there

[FarelyKnuts]

What you are describing sounds like post traumatic stress, if you haven't already I would strongly recommend you seek out some competent counselling.
You poor thing. What a scary time you have had

[LemonPeculiarJones]

How are you doing, OP?

[Winetime1981]

Your reaction to what happened sounds absolutely normal. I can also completely understand the not wanting your baby to get older thing. I have had that twice mildly so I should imagine given the news re. another pregnancy it's even more intense.

You must talk to someone. It need not necessarily be a counsellor but they are trained to deal with these kinds of situations.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Things WILL get better but it may take time. It's very early days yet.

How are you today?