am feeling so miserable

(66 Posts)
Lizlette Mon 07-Jan-13 12:07:28

First time poster, long time lurker so please be gentle, and I apologize if I break any rules.

As a background, I have a much wanted 7 week old daughter and a wonderful husband who is more than pulling his weight and holding down a full time job.

I feel like crying most of the day as I can t cope with the change to my life, I knew things would change, but honestly, if I'd known things would belike this, I ddon't know if I'd have had a baby. I then feel awful thinking this and am terrified that I've jinxed her and that something will happen to her to teach me a lesson.

I can't cope with her crying as I feel that she's unhappy with me as a crap mum.

I'm pretty lucky as my husbandis amazing, and my baby feeds on a nice 3 hrs routine without us trying and she'll often go 6 hrs overnight..

Dr has started me on anti depressents and I'm going to start seeing a counseller but I can't see any point in the future where I won't feel like this.

I'm fed up of sitting on the sofa crying and not being the wife and mummy that my wonderful family deserve.

Thank you to anyone who has made it to the end of my self indulgent waffle, and hand holding to anyone else on the and/pnd forum who feels as rough as I do

Lizlette Wed 09-Jan-13 09:52:40

going to a baby group for an hour and a half this afternoon, so there's something planned at least!

Whatnameforme Wed 09-Jan-13 10:00:28

That's better than me, my plan is to shower and dress!! Is it a new club or one you've been to before? Anyone there you know?

doyouwantfrieswiththat Wed 09-Jan-13 10:23:07

You're not alone, most of us have felt overwhelmed by it all, especially when it's just you and your new baby. Toddler groups & mumsnet saved my sanity by getting me out the house, making me laugh and making me some very good friends...it's one time in life when you know you will have common ground....oh and try and be patient with the ubercompetitive mums, we really are all just trying to get by.

whatname showering and dressing are an achievement with a newborn around grin, it's when you stop looking after yourself that's worrying.

surestart are fantastic and round here they also organise pram walks to get you up & about with other mums.....also homestart can pair you up with someone to support you for a few hours a week if you need it.

Whatnameforme Wed 09-Jan-13 10:35:05

Thanks doyouwant, I am hoping at some point before my hv arrives I will be able to look presentable!!

The competitive mums drive me nuts, but keep in mind that we only see them for an hour or so at toddler group. I like to imagine them first thing in the morning or even better at four in the morning after being woken every hour!! I don't care what anyone says, everybody finds it hard at some point!

LaCiccolina Wed 09-Jan-13 10:44:17

The shock of a new born is indescribable. If u haven't done it u just cannot understand. I felt the same with dd1 and she is now 2. There was a light switch moment at around 12wks where a) I realised I done so long and b) where it just stopped being quite so scary and c) I realised with out trying we actually had this magic thing called a routine everyone was banging on about!

It gets better. Promise.

Whatnameforme Wed 09-Jan-13 11:01:05

LaCi - this is my dc3, he is 14 weeks and I'm still waiting for my routine to kick in. Oh man!

I managed to get ready before my DP left for work this morning, went to my gp appointment and then met with a friend for lunch. Now DD is asleep in her carrier with a dummy (first time she's taken it!) and I feel pretty ok. Not amazing and like the anxiety has completely lifted, but ok and like I can cope one day at a time. smile But part of me is still worried that I won't be feeling any different in a few months, that I'll still be just as confused and helpless with my DD and that we still won't have a routine to help me have some structure to my life.

Those on anti-depressants, do they help? How do they make you feel? I'm reluctant to take any as I'm breastfeeding and part of me feels like it's normal to feel this way and it'll just take time to fully adjust so I don't need any medication. But on the other hand, if they would make me feel better now then why not try them...

Whatnameforme Wed 09-Jan-13 21:22:15

Hi blushing
I'm sure you will find that it goes from strength to strength. One day at a time is the key. Some days I feel great and others I seem to be lost completely?
I guess it is very much the same for everyone, but it just feels very lonely at the time. OP hasn't been back for a while, hopefully she has had a good day too. My hv came to day and has suggested counselling!

didireallysaythat Wed 09-Jan-13 21:30:04

Oh you could be me !

I think you have found a fantastically supportive group here so I have very little to add but

1. The tablets helped me
2. Having one small activity to do everyday helped
3. Going to Pilates once a week to have 'me' time was very important for me
4. Baby massage increased my confidence with baby no end

As I type, the screaming monster that reduced me to tears every hour for the first three months has just rolled over in bed, told me he loves me, and fallen asleep hugging my arm. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Lizlette Wed 09-Jan-13 22:58:02

have had a really good day (other than the crying episode this morning). managed to leave the house, had a good time at baby group, and my little angel let me eat breakfast, lunch and dinner without fussibg, whinging or interrupting in any way-bless her.

thanks and hugs to everyone who has made such helpful suggestions, and fingers crossed that we have a good night and a good Thursday.

Lizlette Wed 09-Jan-13 23:02:15

blushing, I'm glad that you've had a good day too, although I know what you mean about feeling ok, but a bit nervous that it's just a one off.

I'm trying to store up memories of the good days/hours so that I can look back on them during the dark patches, am also taking lots of photos so I can look back and remind myself that my daughter isn't always a screaming banshee!

lizlette I'm glad you had a good day yesterday, hopefully today is even better! smile I'm feeling good this morning, I think it has to do with the "one day at a time" approach I've decided to follow and not thinking too far ahead. Just trying to enjoy spending time with DD at home and to get out once a day, that'll do for now. There is light at the end of the tunnel for us! That's a good idea about the photos, by the way, I'll need to start taking more too.

Whatnameforme Thu 10-Jan-13 12:44:40

Hi blushing and liz, I'm glad you both having positive days. Both your ideas sound a great idea. We went to playgroup this morning, but I ended up in tears. Despite going for several weeks now, i still don't really talk to anyone.
I tried to explain to dh a bit of the crazy that goes on in my head, I not sure if I made it better or worse for him? shock

whatname I'm sorry to hear you had a rough morning <hugs> I've not braved a playgroup yet, planning to go to a few next week. It'll probably be nice to talk to other mums (if I meet any nice ones that I have something in common with) but part of me is sad that my main weekly activities for the near future will be so baby-centred. Of course I knew this before having a baby but I'm still not really ready to let go of my "old life" yet... sad Do you go to any other playgroups or know other mums you could meet up with? Definitely keep talking to your DH, it's important that he knows how you're feeling and I'm sure he understands! I've told DP even my darkest thoughts but reminded him that it's still me inside. Also try to talk to your DH about his feelings so that you both know what's going on.

Lizlette Thu 10-Jan-13 19:50:23

whatname, sorry that playgroup didn't go so well. Is there a different playgroup that you could maybe try, that might have different mums that you might find easier to talk to?

The one that I went to is attached to our health visitor clinic so the hv took me in and introduced me as a 'new mum' so I didn't have to do the awful walk in and try to start a conversation. Is that sort of group an option?

Whatnameforme Thu 10-Jan-13 22:45:07

Hello liz, my hv has recommend a pnd support group for me, Same sort of thing I guess? It doesn't start for another month though.
Hey blushing, I've not got any mums/ friends at all. I guess that's what comes of being out of the house for 13hours a day working! I've never had time to socialise. I met dh through work!! I do tell him everything. I explained how I thought/knew that ds would die, because I'm so shit at this mum bit!
confusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfusedconfused

I have signed up for nct and am going to one of their groups on Wednesday, I've signed up for playgroups on Mondays and Thursdays, baby massage on Friday, health visitor on Wednesday, swimming and/or baby clinic on Tuesdays! I am suppose to be an FD for Christ sake hmm
I know what you mean about baby related....
Sorry to vent so much and bring you both down, I hope you've both had excellent days grin and thank for the support thanks

ComfortablyCurvy Fri 11-Jan-13 05:54:26

Whatname-I'm so sorry you sound like you're having a bad time of it. It's great you can talk honestly to your dh about how you feel and what you're thinking, please keep doing this. I know sometimes it can seem odd when you hear the words you're saying, but it's better to have someone you can be really honest with.

Maybe try a different type of baby group? Maybe baby massage?

I know it won't help you much right now but I promise it all does get easier. My bf was nearly sectioned she was that poorly but with the right help she got through it. You will get through it too.

Some great support and advice available here so please stay in touch too.

Where about are you? Maybe a meet with local mumsnetters may help?

doyouwantfrieswiththat Fri 11-Jan-13 11:29:37

When I was very low with ds2 (the novelty of being at home had worn off after ds1) a lovely lady told me about groups where depressed mothers get together to support and share...my response was,"Can you imagine a bunch of us all in one room? grin" ...she said, "at least you haven't lost your sense of humour!"

Whatnameforme Fri 11-Jan-13 16:12:32

Thanks. I know it does get better. I just need to get through this bit. Some days are MUCH harder than others. I am doing baby massage classes, just started. It was ok.
Keep plodding on, like blush said take it one day at a time. Thanks again. Sorry liz I posted to give you support and it ended up the other way round!

whatname We all need support, that's why were here so don't be sorry! It's great that you're doing so many activities,hopefully you'll meet some nice people who you can talk to. I went to a breastfeeding meeting this morning and it was helpful to hear that other mums are dealing with similar issues too, made me feel more normal. We're definitely not alone! I'm also starting baby massage next week through the PND service. Do you or your DH have any workmates who have children? Or like confortablycurvy suggested you could try hooking up with some other local mumsnetters?

TheFallenNinja Fri 11-Jan-13 18:36:36

Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint, 7 weeks is far too early to be kicking yourself so try not to.

Worry only about what you can control, let everything else whistle for a while. I'm sure your doing far better than your giving yourself credit for smilesmile

Lizlette Fri 11-Jan-13 21:54:30

whatname, I was hoping that this thread could be a hand holding group for anyone that was having a bit of a rough time rather than just a 'poor me'kind of thing so please don't worry.

went back to the dr today (say what you like about the nhs, this dr is keeping a really good eye on me and is very supportive) as the better mood is nowhere near consistent, and she mentioned that it can take 4 to 6 weeks for the antidepressants to get into your system and they can then be certain that they've given me the right type.

slightly scary that it can take that long, and then if they don't fit I'll have to start another lot and go through another set of side effects sad , am still dealing with the side effects of this type although they seem to be starting to tail off.

tackled the bus into town to try and get out and about (had a c section so still can't walk far and hubby had the car). baby was fine on the way in, but screamed the whole way home on a packed bus. felt like the entire bus was glaring at me, and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. might wait until I can walk into town before I go again!

Whatnameforme Fri 11-Jan-13 22:43:30

Fallen - its very true. We all get there in the end.
Liz - it's great that you were so confident to take baby out on the bus and after a c section! I am truly impressed. I'm sure that everyone on the bus had had a similar experience, or will at some point. It is horrible though, I always feel like the worst person in the world when I can't stop him crying, I'm sure most people are the same. Hopefully the next few weeks will be better and better and you won't have to worry about changing tablets.
Blushing - baby massage went well. It's quite a small group and everyone is local wink
I'm trying to keep busy and have something I 'have' to go to each day. My mantra has become "must leave the house"
I'm glad we can all hand hold, it is incredibly lonely sometimessmile

Whatnameforme Fri 11-Jan-13 22:44:30

Hope everyone has had a good day grin

Lizlette Sat 12-Jan-13 22:30:26

pretty good day here, hope it's been good for everyone else smile smile

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