am feeling so miserable

(66 Posts)
Lizlette Mon 07-Jan-13 12:07:28

First time poster, long time lurker so please be gentle, and I apologize if I break any rules.

As a background, I have a much wanted 7 week old daughter and a wonderful husband who is more than pulling his weight and holding down a full time job.

I feel like crying most of the day as I can t cope with the change to my life, I knew things would change, but honestly, if I'd known things would belike this, I ddon't know if I'd have had a baby. I then feel awful thinking this and am terrified that I've jinxed her and that something will happen to her to teach me a lesson.

I can't cope with her crying as I feel that she's unhappy with me as a crap mum.

I'm pretty lucky as my husbandis amazing, and my baby feeds on a nice 3 hrs routine without us trying and she'll often go 6 hrs overnight..

Dr has started me on anti depressents and I'm going to start seeing a counseller but I can't see any point in the future where I won't feel like this.

I'm fed up of sitting on the sofa crying and not being the wife and mummy that my wonderful family deserve.

Thank you to anyone who has made it to the end of my self indulgent waffle, and hand holding to anyone else on the and/pnd forum who feels as rough as I do

Whatnameforme Mon 07-Jan-13 12:26:51

I'll hand hold. I feel exactly the same. My ds is 15 weeks now. I had pnd with my dd2 as well, so I know it gets better and it will for you. It helps to talk to the lovely people on here. I am usually a bit of a control freak so it's difficult to admit that you need help, but you have and you will go from strength to strength. Do you have family or friends nearby? You have to be nice to yourself and not feel bad for it.

Whatnameforme Mon 07-Jan-13 12:32:04

Also it's important that you give yourself a break. If her crying is getting to you, take a break. I wish someone had told me first or second time round that it doesn't make you a bad mum if when they are crying and you've tried everything and you are being driven mad.
Put them in their cot, or somewhere safe
Go out of the room, shut the door, make a cup of tea, watch tv for a few minutes or do the washing up., I tend to do washing up or Hoover as I makes me feel better being able to accomplish something also. smile

ComfortablyCurvy Mon 07-Jan-13 12:34:01

I think a lot of first time mums find it much more difficult than they imagine. There's nothing like a baby to bring you back to reality!

The ad will take a couple of weeks to kick in, but kick in they will and you'll start to feel better.
No one can prepare you for the continuous onslaught if a baby. How can someone so small cause so much fuss and mess?
It gets easier. I promise. The first three months are the hardest. Also your hormones are still all over the place.
I'm glad you gave a supportive dh as you'll need him. Also I think the winter months are crap with the dark, dull days.
It all mounts up and adds to how you feel.
Try and get out with friends. On your own and with baby-maybe to some baby groups? Get done fresh sir. Make yourself get out everyday. Even if its to nip and get some milk or feed the ducks. Anything-just get out!

It will get easier though I know from experience it died t seem like it now.

And you haven't jinxed your dd in any way. She loves you whether she's crying or not.

Got to go my baby's crying! But I'll be back soon x

Whatnameforme Mon 07-Jan-13 17:38:25

I hope you got through the day ok.

Lizlette Mon 07-Jan-13 18:49:08

thanks for the kind words.

today wasn't too bad, have had a look around at baby groups to try out, and made a plan to meet a couple of the mums from my antenatal group so have something to look forward too.

Whatnameforme Mon 07-Jan-13 23:57:21

Great, I hope your days get better and better grin

ComfortablyCurvy Tue 08-Jan-13 02:31:43

I'm glad you've made plans to meet other mums.

When the day/s come to meet, if you feel like you just can't be bothered, make sure you force yourself to go. You will feel better for going out, though admittedly the faff beforehand getting yourself, baby and bag ready etc can be off putting.

You're not alone in feeling the way you do. My bf had psychosis after her dc and it was heart breaking to see. Pnd and low mood are more common than you think.

And I completely agree that a baby is completely life changing. But in the future you will look back on this and see things completely differently. It's taken courage for you to see the dr and to post on here. You're doing the right things.

Take one day at a time. One hour at a time. You'll get there in the end.

Keep posting on here, you'll get fab support from other mumsnetters.
Thinking of you op

barbiecollector Tue 08-Jan-13 03:01:39

Recently I heard someone (Gina Ford, I think) refer to the first 3 months of motherhood as 'The 100 Days Hell'. That is so accurate. It gets better, I promise. Keep talking.

I've been there, it DOES get better I promise. Please PM me if I can help in any way.

Lizlette Tue 08-Jan-13 09:21:15

Thank you, I can't believe how kind total strangers can be, it's amazing.

I think much of the problem comes from the fact that I had a very busy job in an office with lots of other people, and now I'm at home with no-one to talk to. Plus the pressure that this beautiful baby is entirely dependent on me.

Am also freaking out as people have already started asking when we'll have another baby. After SPD, a 4 day labour, an emergency c-section and now the way I'm feeling, I can't imagine doing it again, but then I worry that I'll be denying my daughter a sibling relationship for my selfish reasons and (as an only child) I never wanted to just have one baby.

Whatnameforme Tue 08-Jan-13 09:41:51

I think people can be a little insensitive some times. I don't think there are many people who with a 7 week old baby would be thinking about the next one! Even with a straight forward birth!

Take it one day at a time and it does get easier.

I wouldn't worry to much about whether you want a second child or not, try to enjoy what you have now. Putting more pressure on yourself by worrying about what happen next is not going to help.

Loads of people on here are happy to offer support and of your joining baby groups and meeting friends and getting support in RL you will soon be back to your old self. It is hard going from office/work world to baby/home land, I'm sure most people would tell you the same. I certainly do!

ComfortablyCurvy Tue 08-Jan-13 09:43:37

Traumatic labour is bound to put you off having any more children. But feelings change in time and you might feel differently about having more in a few months/years. Don't worry about that now.

Motherhood can be very isolating, frustrating and thankless.but it's also the best thing in the world when you find your feet-and you will find your feet. It just takes time.

Have you got any family or friends who you could make a set day each week to meet? A bit of lunch at a relatives or a coffee with a friend? Something to look forward to each week.

I have an 8 week old (plus two other dc) so I can definitely relate to what you're saying.

Also, I think many first time mums who used to have busy full time jobs (me included) grieve a little for their old life. I certainly did. May not apply to you though.

It really does get easier its just a completely new and different life. Just takes time to adjust.

My DS was 18 months old before I could even think about going through it again, I was fairly adamant I would never have another one. I now have 2 grin.

Going from work to being at home is hard, it can be unfulfilling no matter how much you want to be a mum, and you can get caught up in feeling guilty about this.

I find being a mum incredibly hard, I knew it would be difficult but not this difficult and I am constantly disappointed that I'm not the earth mother/attached parent I thought I would be. I adore my boys but there are times I wish they were miles away...and I struggle with the guilt of feeling like this.

My GP is arranging counselling for me & hopefully I can work these issues out. I hope you can too.

You're not alone lizlette, I feel the same. I'm a first time mum and my DD is 4 weeks tomorrow. I love her and have some good moments with her but I find it really hard to cope when she cries, I just don't know what to do. I'm not very patient and usually hand her over to DP if I can't get her settled with bf'ing. I feel guilty for not being more patient with her and not having the energy/interest to try and settle her. My DP goes back to work tomorrow and I'm absolutely terrified of spending a whole day alone with DD. sad

Like you I was also working before becoming a mum and it's a real shock suddenly not having any structure to my day or anything meaningful to do most days apart from looking after DD which I don't enjoy most of the time (at least not yet...I'm trying to keep my hopes up). I just can't imagine what my days will be like for the next few months/years...I feel better when I get out of the house so I plan to meet up with my friends and go to support groups loads but when I come back home I feel hopeless again. I feel like I can't relax or do anything that I enjoy as DD cries so much...only thing keeping me sane at the moment is mumsnet as I can read about other mums' days while bf'ing (which I'm doing loads as it's the only sure way to stop DD crying)!

I wanted a baby so much and was SOOO happy throughout the whole pregnancy so this is definitely what I expected and I feel sad and scared...I really want to enjoy being a mum but I find it so hard. sad Part of me just wants to go back to work so I could feel more like my old self but I know that wouldn't really solve anything, probably the only thing that helps is time. Time to adjust properly to this new life and build new routines and get to know the baby better. It won't be easy...I really miss my old life and worry that I'll never be able to enjoy motherhood. I've always wanted 3 children but now I feel like I definitely don't want to go through this again (my birth experience wasn't even dramatic or long but I hated it).

I went to the first meeting at PND service today and was referred to baby massage classes and one to one therapy. I've also been talking about my feelings to anyone who listens. It does help and I feel better than two weeks ago but I think it will be a tough and long road...People keep saying that things will get better and I know (hope) they're right...I just want to know when??

* I meant "NOT what I expected"

Also, there was a bit on radio 4's womens hour today about early motherhood and how it's much harder than antenatal classes prepare you for...it's worth a listen if you get a chance. Makes you realise that it's quite common to feel this way!

Adversecamber Tue 08-Jan-13 17:59:17

I have been where you are and you can get through it though at this moment in time it seems a million miles away.

I had no family near me and any friends I had made as relocated were at work, I found the loneliness crushing. I ended up doing two part time courses at a local college. They were both only one morning a week and had a free crèche. This was almost 12 years ago so have no idea if this kind of thing possible but it really helped me. All the baby groups were not for me because I found every one just wanted to talk about babies.

My DS was also planned and had lovely DH in a way that seemed to make it worse, especially as one of my relatives was a single Mum who had no help at all.

When you have counselling tell them everything, they will have heard things like this before. Do not be ashamed.

Lizlette Tue 08-Jan-13 18:43:19

hi peony, sorry that you're in the same boat as me.

it definitely helps talking about it, it sucks that other people feel/have felt as crap as I do, but makes me feel less 'abnormal' about my feelings.

the thing that helps is that, although I'm struggling, my baby is doing fine and hopefully won't remember any of this as long as I get it sorted.

was planning on taking the full 12 months maternity leave (as long as the finances stack up) but am now contemplating going back after 8 or 9 months, or at least keeping my options open, rather than thinking that I have to 'be stuck at home' for a whole year.

Lizlette Tue 08-Jan-13 18:45:14

that's a good idea adverse camber, will have a look into that as it may help me feel as though I've achieved something (other than looking after my baby which I know is an achievement) but you know what I mean!

galwaygirl Tue 08-Jan-13 18:52:25

Hi Lizlette, I was where you are about 18 months ago - please hang on in there as it can and will get so much better! The advice about getting out is great, but keep your targets small, for example, only one activity per day. I went through a stage of trying to do something in the morning an afternoon which was stupid!
So many people find it so tough - it's something that is not talked about enough at all. It's just impossible to explain how much your life changes when you become a mum, nothing can prepare you for it!

I also had an awful birth experience and I actually used to feel rage at people who said anything about going again but am now 17 weeks pg with a very much planned number two. But even if you decide never to have any more it's something you don't need to think about for a LONG time. Concentrate on where you are just now xx

All the mums I've spoken to say that it was hard at first but it will get better. I've also spoken to a few women who had PND and it's so good to hear that it is possible to get through it (like all the posters here - thank you for your support!). I don't think it's at all abnormal to feel this way but it's often not talked about as people expect you to be happy and over the moon about your baby. I've openly told all my friends and family about my feelings and they've been really supportive and understanding which helps. So my advice is to keep talking - no one will judge you (at least not if they really care for you)!

It's really up and down for me at the moment, I'm feeling good tonight but mornings are generally harder for me as I feel anxious not knowing how the day will go. I've not been getting up early so I struggle with that as I'm used to having routines. I just think what's the point getting up early if I don't have anything to do anyway. I think tomorrow when my DP goes back to work I have to really push myself to get up and get ready before he leaves so that I can just pop out of the house if I start to feel cabin feverish.

Like galwaygirl suggests planning one activity per day is probably a good idea at the moment. I did volunteer work before DD was born and I hope to go back to that at some point so that all my activities won't be so baby-centred. I also want to start doing pilates again. It's weird how in the evenings I'm generally full of ideas and optimism but in the morning all my plans seem impossible and anxiety takes over again...Hopefully mornings will get better soon too. Well, one step at a time...

oh, and I keep telling myself that DD won't have any idea about my struggle when she's older so there's no damage done. When we have good moments I keep telling her how much I love her so that I don't feel so guilty about bad moments.

theynevershutup Tue 08-Jan-13 20:16:07

I felt exactly the same when I had my DS (who's now 8). It was such an absolute shock to the system having a newborn. I felt so exhausted and like I had totally lost myself and longed for my old life back. But it does get better, the first few weeks I found awful, probably one of the worst times of my life and I felt so guilty feeling like that. I agree with what other posters have said about trying to get out and about. I had a great post natal group and we met once a week for years, it was nice to speak to people who were dealing with the same issues. I also now have a DD who's 4 and has started school. Life does get back to normal, just take each day at a time as I promise you you won't feel like this forever. I hated the newborn stage with both of mine, but now I have two lovely, funny, bright, happy children and I wouldn't swap them for the world.

Lizlette Wed 09-Jan-13 08:56:41

peony I'm with you that evenings are fine, and I'm always really happy and coping (probably because DH is home) but mornings are the worst. the poor man has just left for work running about 15 minutes late because when he was about to leave I dissolved into a sobbing mess for absolutely no reason at all.

it seems like such a lot of pressure on him to work, do more than his fair share with the baby and have to put up with me, and I'm worried that it's all too much for him. sometimes I wonder if they'd both be better if I left them and went back to my parents so that he could find a better wife who'd be a good mum to my daughter. I'm sure this isn't what he signed up for when we got married.

sorry to be on here whinging again, you lovely people have your own stuff to deal with and don't need to be hearing my misery.

Whatnameforme Wed 09-Jan-13 09:37:51

Hi liz, don't worry about being on here moaning its what its all about!
Your husband married you because he loves you, and what your going through now is a very small part of your relationship's path. It is hard for the moment, but it's only for the moment.
You might feel that your dh and dd would be better off without you, I do most of the time too, but it's not true. There is no one your daughter needs more than you and I'm sure your husband feels the same.
I know my husband feels that way, but god knows why most of the time?
Have you got anything planned to do today?

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