Is this PND? Or just baby blues?

[musicalrabbit]

My baby was born by c-section a week ago and ever since coming out of hospital I've been crying in the evenings/ afternoons. I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. But I have been depressed before and if I compare that with this, I would say this isn't depression because I have pleasure in lots of other parts of life.
He's a lovely baby but I can't get my head round the fact that I'm his mother. The section was a totally weird experience. I feel as if I went in for major surgery and came out with a baby. I can't honestly say I love him. I look after him and empathise with him but I don't feel I want to spend every waking minute with him and am relieved when other people take him off my hands. Haven't got any kind of 'falling in love' feeling for him. My own mother is acting more like the stereotypical blissed out mum than I am - can't stop cuddling the baby, talking baby talk at him etc. etc. I feel guilty that I am not behaving like her and frightened that I will never love the baby and I will go our whole lives looking after him but deep inside thinking 'this was a horrible mistake'.
BF-ing has been really difficult and this is the thing that often starts me crying - he flails around and screams when he can't latch on and I just cry and feel hopeless and exhausted.
I am fairly old for a first time mother and I am not someone who's ever enjoyed spending time with children much, in fact I never wanted kids in general, I was always really scared of being a mum, all the responsibility and pressure, and said I would never have kids - but then I found a wonderful husband who I love so much that it seems/ seemed terrible to miss the chance of having children together. I feel closest to the baby when I notice how like my husband he is.
I don't know, is this a normal way to feel?

[TodaysAGoodDay]

The baby blues can be horrid. I'm sorry you're suffering like this.

Depression feels very much worse than the baby blues IMHO. I got post natal depression about 3 months after DS was born, and I went through the baby blues for the first 2 weeks, the depression was a whole different thing.

Don't hesitate to ask your health visitor for help, or go to your GP. This will go away in time, good luck with enjoying motherhood, it's wonderful (when the little buggers are asleep )

[Pleasefiveminutesforme]

Just read your post and I'm so sorry that you've only had one reply when you were looking or some advice and support.

I understand what you mean when you say you feel removed from the whole mother thing, I experienced the same with my first baby and in retrospect it may have been because I had suffered quite a traumatic birth- I have bonded a lot better with my second baby. I did have a rough time after the first baby but was determined to be stoic and did just put it down to baby blues. It's only after number two that I have noticed recurring feelings and allowed myself to realise that it could be something more. This time i have chatted to my health visitor which has been an incredibly positive thing to do- I think only by discussing it with someone who is super experienced in this can you tell if it is PND or not because every case is different and it all depends how you are normally.

I hope the last couple of weeks have been a lot easier for you anyway and that the breast feeding got a lot easier too!

[Zzzzmarchhare]

I had a very similar experience -section, trouble breast feeding, trouble bonding. I thought it was just tiredness, and I was able to 'cope' better when we switched to bottles. But I did end up with PND- I think I had it all along and it was only when I filled in the questionnaire the HV gave me that I realised how bad I felt. Then I had to go on the waiting list for treatment. My advice would be seek help even if you are feeling a bit better but not quite right and then once you are at the top of the waiting list you can decide whether you need it. I ended up getting a lot worse because I left it so long. Hope things are improving for you.

[ZLG2012]

Have just been browsing and thought I would reply as you describe exactly what I was going through after my DD was born.

She was also c-section (ELCS as she was breech) and when she was handed to me I didn't feel the amazing bond that you're 'supposed' to, just 'well, what am I supposed to do now?' I also stuggled to BF and didn't really receive much support for it in hospital. I don't know how commited you are to contiue BFing. I thought I would be a complete earth mother but when I saw how quickly my starving baby guzzled down a bottle of formula I changed my mind - I've now realise how pointless it is to feel guilty about bottle feeding.

When I came home I thought I just had the baby blues, but it didn't go away and, like you, I've had depression in the past. I could feel myself beginning to go down the same route and although it wasn't nearly as bad I recognised the feelings. I'd look at my husband and my mum fawning over the baby and could sort of appreciate why they were doing it in an abstract manner. I didn't feel though I loved her myself though and felt like I was just going through the motions of caring for her.

Because my husband has seen me with depression before he urged me to go to the GP. She put me on a low dose of Citalopram and I've gradually started feeling better since. I don't know if I'd have been feeling better anyway or if the medication just acted as a prop.

My DD is now nesrly 18 weeks and lying on the floor grinning up at me as I write! I don't know if it's any reassurance but, in my experience, it does get easier. The bond does grow as you get to know your baby and I have adapted to motherhood. I still have my moments but generally, it's so much easier than in those first few weeks; it took me really until she was about 8 weeks till I began to come out of the 'newborn fog'.

So as far as I'm concerned, yes, it's a completely normal way to feel. You may well feel better in time anyway but don't hesitate to go to your GP if needed.

[Rgyoga]

Seeing this chat.. and wished to know if things got better in time ?