I have a 6 month old. Most of the time we are okay. Some days I just want to cry. Mostly these are the days after bad nights when I am very tired. On these days I have flashbacks to when she was born and nearly died and I thought for about five mins she was dead until I found her with nurses in the resusitation room at the hospital.
Usually my thoughts about this are at the back of my head and I keep them under control. When I am tired they creep back and I just cry. I talk about it because I know talking should help but the feelings I have don't seem to get better. When I am tired I also think about her getting old and dying one day and about me dying one day etc and get very upset. It's like being a bloody teenager when these questions about the universe used to haunt me.
I know I am hugely lucky - I have a wonderful healthy daughter and a supportive husband and family and friends close by so to give in to any of these feelings seems self indulgent. But I don't feel I have my equilibrium back. Perhaps this is because I haven;t had a full night of sleep since my bladder seemed to give up the day I fell pregnant, so I was tired for 9 months before having the baby and now have normal baby tiredness because she doesn't yet sleep through (though she often will just wake once so I have it good).
I have a doctor's appt this week to discuss something else and don't know whether to bring this up - is it just middle class self indulgence or might I be depressed? I had a horrendous year about 5 years ago where I think I was depressed but I didn't ever seek help for it and I swore to myself I wouldn't go through it again and would seek help. But I don't want to be labelled crazy. After about a year through exercise, eating healthily and just things changing and life moving on, things got better. But if I want more children (I do) then I can't see how I will ever be less tired or get my balance back again. Also I really don't want to be put on anti depressants.
Any thoughts, help or advice much appreciated.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Am I depressed or just tored or maybe both?
3 replies
wildpoppy · 03/07/2011 22:08
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