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BROOKING NO ARGUMENT for pain-free sneeze births and an abundance of empty birthing pools - pt 12!

(992 Posts)

I think this is the first time I've ever started a brooking thread! shock <hopes she doesn't break MN>

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 15:09:40

I think you're right Fluff. Life would have been v different if we'd got together when we first met (when I was 15!) The responsibility for bills etc is historical - I own this house and consequently pay the mortgage and had all the bills set up before DP arrived. DP spent a lot of time doing a PhD etc so didn't have a lot to bring to the table (even aged 40) and what he did have he put into the savings offset account.

Stacks it's a v different scenario when the man has more money than his wife/partner because traditionally society hasn't batted an eyelid at the man paying more than the woman, even though when I think about it I do find this a bit odd and not about equality. When DP and I moved in together we did exactly what you did - equal amounts pretty much. He has since increased his input but when I add up the mortgage, childcare and any other one-off payments I wouldn't say there's much in it, even though I don't have much income any more. But I'm the one who comes out with my own investment in tact - a house and a pension. He doesn't currently have either of these... So I feel quite bad about that.

I don't think DP is unkind or selfish, he just doesn't see it in the way you or I do. The salary he doesn't share goes on travel, food at work and some extras for our family.. then his hobbies. He doesn't want to compromise his interests - classic car, music equipment, subscriptions to various mags/online stuff, his iPhone etc, because he feels that he works hard and earns the wage to cover them and they don't amount to much in cost. He doesn't feel that saving for the future etc is possible, let alone a priority.

And he was quite clear that he was happy with one child and that the responsibility daunted him, but that he wanted me to fulfil my dream of two DC.

I think him saying I am negative is a bit of transferral (is that the term?) - and when he says he's terrified of the responsibility he just means his feels like he is losing sight of his personality/space/time to do stuff. Maybe? I know at least 2 men who simply won't have children because of these feelings, so DP is doing his best to balance his feelings.

Anyway - so now I'm defending him, even though I feel that things are imbalanced and I feel quite pissed off. Marriage isn't v appealing right now even though we are meant to be going for it. But that's sad because I'm saying this based on a feeling an inequality about 'investing' in our life together and I know DP senses this and doesn't like it. It's not v romantic, after all. That's just the way things are. Life is v much day-to-day practicalities for me (and security), but he's always been more of a dreamer type who knows his pleasures and doesn't do well without them.

Sorry - far too much info' and unfair to air my dirty washing like this. I think I'm just on a bit of a downer for some reason. I recently spent a morning with my friend who is a single mum (after she discovered the father of her son was having an affair with her close friend). She manages on a shoestring and still spends time writing novels and being really creative and I just have to think what an inspiration she is and get on with all the positive stuff in my life, which there is tonnes of.

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 15:10:01

Gawd - sorry about the huge post blush

Stacks Thu 12-Jul-12 15:45:31

We all have our problems smile Talking about them can really help, so don't worry about mentioning it. I have one friend I complain about DH to - but I told him the rules when I started complaining - he can sympathise with me, but is totally not allowed to criticise DH.

DH and I don't have any problem sharing money stuff, but I'm always complaining to him about him not sharing his time with me. He gets very obsessive over things - games, TV series, programming, reading. He can easily spend 8-10 hours at the weekend on his computer, barely talking to me. He'll be watching an entire series of a TV program he just found, or playing games with friends. In the morning over breakfast he reads the news on his phone, and in the evenings we talk over dinner (if I introduce the subject) but then he'll go back on his computer.
I can make him feel guilty really easily about it all, because he know's it's 'wrong' but it's also him, and I love him the way he is. I'm sure there are quite a few people that wouldn't put up with it, but I knew what I was getting in to, and he really is a wonderful person, and I think will be an amazing dad though I'm a little worried how he'll handle the shock of a baby.

DH is fab at sharing, it's me who lets the team down especially when it comes to food blush

We all need to offload sometimes, tock! smile

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 16:59:09

Thanks guys. You're both v honest. I think you have lived with twin brothers Fluff - hence your food protection regime. smile Stacks - You are right to accept your DH as he is. And I appreciate the fact that DP wouldn't ever spend 10 hours on the computer though I think he would like to spend time on his photos but simply doesn't manage it, compared to life before me and DS when he did lots of photography/guitar/reading/motorbiking etc. He tries not to complain about this though I know it bothers him. And I try to make sure he gets time with his mates at least once a week and a weekend day here and there - doing up old motors or playing music together. Hopefully your DH will adjust quickly Stacks; he will probably be too fascinated by miniStacks to remember that he misses his computer. I think DP is a wonderful bloke and kind and bighearted, but just not really willing to take more share of organising/budgeting/planning - he simply doesn't function in this way though he must do at work, being as senior as he is, and I have to try not to think about this too hard.

I've decided to look for a good job when minitock2 is settled and the breastfeeding can ease off a little. I didn't plan to put my DC in childcare at a young age, but it can't be helped. I will aim to go part-time at least. The recession may of course scupper best-laid plans... In which case DP will just have to give up some of his non-necessities.

Just tried to take DS for a swim in a lovely pool - a new one for us - but he fell asleep in the motor. Thought a dip might shift my dark mood. Sigh.

Anyway - sorry to hear back is bad Stacks. Fluff - any updates? How are Nutella, Cakes, Smegs, Whims, Llittle*, Gen, Bartlett, Jen and other graduates? <who have I missed?>

<Promise not to hog the Fred any more! smile blush>

grin I'm not entirely convinced it's their fault, but I like your thinking wink they are gannets

I spent yesterday in floods of tears, literally the whole day. I think I was just overtired like a toddler having been flogging myself at work a bit. Poor DH got the brunt of it, sadly blush but I'm feeling better today.

I also had a swim-fail today - the pool was closed so school kids could have some sort of one-off whole day sport-a-thon, sigh. Will try again on Tuesday...

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 17:59:46

Oh dear - poor Fluff. I hope you have a nice restorative weekend. xxx

Hello everyone, still here, but mostly looking on my phone which I hate writing on. On a school trip yesterday. A highlight was a kid looking at into a field and saying 'what are those brown things'. They were cows. Ah, I'm going to miss the inner city.

Sorry to hear of difficult partners, and good to hear of good ones! We are quite equal i think in that mrWhim contributes salary, but I contributed lump sums as and when a couple of wealthy relatives died. also, my husband kind of sees the kids as his hobby, whereas they're my job. And in a way, my job/phd is my hobby, so that his takes priority when the kids are ill, although he does always try to help. It's not always perfect, but we seem to rub along ok. he's very calm and measured, which helps.

Another day of packing here. phew. happy friday to you all.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 13-Jul-12 10:41:23

Hello all. I'm still coldy, but a lot better than I was. Some good sleep has helped - thanks DD!

Sorry to hear of issues with otherwise lovely partners and DH's. I do sympathise - I'm getting a bit hurt by DH getting up from the dinner table in the evening, leaving the kitchen for me to clean, and spending the rest of the evening with his back to me, 'working' on the PC. Which I bought before we lived together, by the way! I had a tiny meltdown last night, and told him how unhappy I was that my husband didn't seem to want to spend any time with me anymore, and he was mortified. Hope he's got the message, but he can get a bit obsessive with writing software, and I think that's mostly what he's doing at the moment (bar the odd moment on Wikipedia/YouTube etc). Mostly we have things just right between us, although my lack of job is frustrating me a tiny bit! I think I'm made to work, not be at home.

fluff sorry you had a blue day earlier in the week - our hormones are a little crazy at the moment and consequently our moods are a bit more extreme than they are normally. I hope you feel better today, and have a lovely weekend.

whims grin ah, city life! DD knows about animals (we have an urban farm near us) but gets a bit surprised when she sees more than one at a time in a big field! Thank goodness for country grandparents. How much longer do you have before you leave? You sound very calm and on top of everything.

I would love to do some swimming but can't find a swimming costume I like. Can anyone help? I hate tankini's with a vengeance (no idea why, just not my thing) and I think I need some support in the boob area. All of the costumes I've seen so far are a bit bland (black,black and more black!), I was hoping for something a bit cute and retro. The Jojo patterned ones, though, are a little bit too jazzy, IYKWIM! I have seen a nice one in Seraphine but it's a bit expensive, even in the sale. I'm not really used to paying more than £20 for any swimsuit though, I'm a bit of a cheapskate!

ScrambledSmegs Fri 13-Jul-12 11:15:43

Tankini's? Surely tankinis? What is wrong with my grammar today?

There are some in Mothercare smegs that look nice, although they are black. But appeared to have good boob support and were quite elegant. The problem I have is that I want a swimming style one rather than a lounging style one, and they all look like they'll end up round my tummy when I launch off the end of the pool. But I too hate tankinis.

We've just found out where we're staying in DC when we arrive, so I think i'm going to need a couple of sets. I might just go to Evans or somewhere and get a good upholstered type of bikini that's not a preggo one to tide me over.

I also hate tankinis, but sadly it was all I could get to shoehorn my FF jugs into - like whims says, they all seem to be plunging necklines atm?? sad I got mine from Mamas and Papas.

Just done my tax return for 2011-12 year, what fun. Not sure how it's going to work with me being on maternity allowance for part of this tax year, and not sure who to ask (I really don't want to end up paying NI twice) - thus HMRC are in danger of getting a sobbing hormonal pregnant woman on their helpline at some point.

Shocking about the cows whims but I can see how it happens! I don't know where I'd take MiniFluff to see cows, here, though I know where to find sheep...

To be fair to the little chap, he might have recognised a black and white one. We have a city farm essentially within the neighbourhood, but it's amazing how many kids have never been there. I think part of the problem is that it's quite pig oriented, which I think alienates some of our Muslim neighbours. Certainly even though we have a very diverse neighbourhood, most of the people at the farm are white middle class and from further afield.

There's a city farm here too, though I've not been for years. It's very very small though (the city has sort of grown up around it, tbf) so it's only really got a pig, chickens and 2 sheep iirc, and a very small veggie plot... blush

ScrambledSmegs Fri 13-Jul-12 15:57:01

Thanks for the swimsuit advice, whims & fluff. I think I may get the seraphine one as there seems to be an awful lot of room to grow at the boobs as well as bump, and it looks like it will stay in place as well as looking purty! I like a boden one too [SIOB] but if £30 is a bit steep then £40 is eye-watering!

I saw Alan Davies at our local city farm <random sleb spot>. He was wearing mirrored sunglasses on a very overcast/rainy day. Very 'look at me'!

I saw Stewart Lee yesterday too, outside the coffee shop I go to. He was looking much fatter than on tv very healthy grin

It's a perm!

ScrambledSmegs Fri 13-Jul-12 16:20:43

grin He could do with a dye-job too hmm

ScrambledSmegs Fri 13-Jul-12 16:21:27

And some V05 hot oil...

clickingtock Fri 13-Jul-12 19:26:48

Well lots seems resolved at Tock towers. I am lucky that DP seems quite keen on spending time together and often clears up after us. He may well have less dosh than me but I still luff him and we are binning separate bank accounts.

I got quite a nice cossie in the JoJo M B sale Smegs - it's still on.

Xxxx

cakes82 Fri 13-Jul-12 19:47:38

28 weeks today! Had my mw appt today, everything fine and healthy. Bump is measuring 28cm which is actually ever so slightly like by a few mm above the 90th centile on the growth chart shock hoping it is just either anterior placenta or extra fluid making the difference. Also baby is still possibly breech.

For those of you who already have kids what were your experiences with the growth charts? Also were any of you told at this stage baby might be breech what happened and how did things progress? I know I have a while left to go yet but i've been calmly of the mindset that baby will be born in local birth centre with minimal length of stay rather than the potential of ELCS in the big hospital and a longer stay.

JenFraggle Fri 13-Jul-12 20:49:07

When my bump was measured I was told it should be 1 cm per week so 28cm at 28 weeks is spot on.

If it is breech, they can try to turn it. I think it was Scarlet who had this done when she had a tranverse lie

cakes i think you should be the same cm measurement as your week iyswim. My mw said the other week that there's still lots of room in there and baby will flip all over the place for a good few weeks yet, so don't worry yet smile

ScrambledSmegs Sat 14-Jul-12 09:51:08

cakes bump sounds quite normal sized! Don't forget that it includes amniotic fluid too - some people can have a massive bump due to fluid, but a perfectly normal sized baby.

Also, 28 weeks and possibly breech is normal, as the baby still has some wriggle room and is probably turning around still. Have you used a ball much? They are great for doing exercises to get the baby into a head down position - I spent hours kneeling down and leaning on my ball with DD, she got in the right position eventually!

cakes82 Sat 14-Jul-12 10:27:50

I have got a ball just not really sure how to use it properly

JenFraggle Sat 14-Jul-12 11:51:45

Sit on it and roll your hips in a circle, roll your hips back and forward, bounce gently on it. Those were the exercises I was told to do.

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