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BROOKING NO ARGUMENT for pain-free sneeze births and an abundance of empty birthing pools - pt 12!

(992 Posts)

I think this is the first time I've ever started a brooking thread! shock <hopes she doesn't break MN>

clickingtock Tue 10-Jul-12 19:54:51

Hurray for Little - what a joy for you. Wonderful news. You can tell us again and again and again if you like!

Oh dear. Fluff, Smegs and Stacks - sorry to hear of various upsetting woes, especially being freaked out by the docs - all of you need some TLC. Smegs - your immune system just isn't playing ball is it? How frustrating. I hope the old honey and lemon hot water gives some release, or at least some paracetemol? Sounds like you need a holiday. Fluff - I would have thought shoeless was quite good. Can you get the odd swim in, unless you hate the water of course? I think it's good to stretch and get those various muscles and hamstrings working for their keep. Stacks - I do hope your back ache stops and you can relax a bit more. The docs are just basing all this on your history. You know best, and it feels to me like you know it is just muscle pain. Well done for staying upbeat, and yes get yourself a lovely massage from your DH. Brooking for you that it all looks better by the end of the week. Great that you are getting flickerings now - how lovely.

You are all v sweet about my feelings about my friend. I didn't ever think she meant it nastily: people are just really thoughtless about what you are going through. I think she was finding her DTs so tiring, which is why she suggested I stick with one. She was trying to make me feel better although managed the opposite. Tbh there's not a lot people can say when you pour your heart out about prolonged TTC, unless they've been through it too and a lot of people don't want to revisit. To my shame I did 'pour' more than I would have liked, especially after a year or so of trying and I was getting desperate. When said mate told me I looked v well today I explained I was pg and she was actually over the moon. So I think her weird comments were just her handling things badly and being v involved in her own world - DTs, return to big job, move abroad for big job. Stacks - I totally get what you're saying about it being weird telling people. For me it feels like showing off. But I'm also so excited and have such a boring life that I can't help but splurge my news, tho calming down now. Also - I want to tell people I haven't put on weight but am actually diffed! grin It's funny - one or two people, and not ones that I know v well but that are in my mums' network, have been so pleased (and almost cried) it's actually been really moving. So in a way you just seem to find out more about people's personalities. I think we brookers should try to enjoy telling people, even though I know what Stacks means. Gen - hope you're enjoying it a bit?

Just wanted to say - I didn't respond in detail to all the different potty training stories but they have all lodged in my mind and it's v sweet to think of all those little bums on potties, learning the fundamentals of life. Thanks for sharing.

xxx

itsMYNutella Tue 10-Jul-12 21:13:28

tock your post was so lovely it really made me smile, especially thinking of little bums on potties....

I agree with Stacks I feel so odd telling people I'm pregnant. But then having DP being so proud of himself is also annoying, it's not like he did anything special or unusual phnar it just happened. Now I'm doing all the work while he has a big proud grin on his face and rubs my belly all the time.
Gosh don't I sound a bit mean! I love it when DP rubs my belly hopefully then people realise I'm pregnant and not just fat and he is a big cute softy. grin

ScrambledSmegs Tue 10-Jul-12 21:40:58

Yay Little! Such wonderful news. Have some thanks and a nice decaf brew

clickingtock Wed 11-Jul-12 08:37:53

Thanks Nutella - yes, it's weird and a bit attention-grabbing making the pg announcement, no way round that one, but maybe make the most of your DP being proud; I think that's lovely. Mine just goes a bit quiet about it all (and hates telling anyone, plus he worries about me (even though I am the picture of health, bar hay fever, and over the moon about being diffed). I would like to think he's excited about the baby but that doesn't ever seem to happen til the LO arrives, or it didn't last time. Your DP will have his work cut out then, of course, so let him glow a bit first! grin

Btw - we are having a BBQ with a few friends, mostly old-timers, in 10 days. We need to tell some of these friends just because it would be just as weird not to, but there's a really lovely couple coming who I know had several losses during TTC (including a 16wk MC). They have been quite open about it and I sent a massive bunch of flowers with the late MC but they have since obviously decided to move on. I really worry for them that the announcement will feel like shit. Should we wait and tell all our friends on a 1-1 basis at another time so as not to spoil their BBQ? Or should I let the couple know before they come so they won't have the shock?

I hadn't thought about that little confused

Wow, tough one tock. I definitely wouldn't spring it on them at the BBQ, that might make things very difficult for them even though I'm sure they'll be pleased for you. Maybe tell everyone in advance when you casually confirm your plans or something?

Yay for the flickering bean Little grin

tock I'd be inclined to tell that couple in advance. It'd be upsetting for them and you if they get upset at the BBQ because of a surprise announcement. I'm sure they'll be delighted for you, but they're bound to feel sad for themselves at the same time.

Hello all, RL seems so busy at the moment I hardly get time to post!

Little I've said it already but that is wonderful news about your bean and HB! Very happy for you. X

Tock I agree with the others that you should consider telling them in advance. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with an announcement in front of other people, though I'm sure they will be happy for you, it is always a bit upsetting when you've been through losses. I'm sure you will handle it tactfully!

Stacks I am finding it all socially awkward too - it's like saying 'I want you to congratulate me and make a fuss of me'. I've told everyone at work today, but fortunately there are not many people in and I managed to slip it into general conversation rather than make an announcement. I also controversially announced it on FB, but that's because so many of my friends are scattered around and I don't see them regularly. I also hope your back ache eases off soon and sorry that the dr worried you (hopefully unnecessarily).

Smegs I'm sorry you are still feeling so poorly. I am still quite nauseous and tired, but nothing like what you've been going through. Hope you can get a rest, but not easy when you have you DD to look after.

Fluff hope you can rest your hips - my sis had SPD and it seemed very painful, so I hope you don't get that bad.

Hello everyone else. Where's Farfalla gone? I've been thinking about her.

Where has Farf gone? Hopefully she's just off upchucking enjoying her pregnancy smile

And someone's kitchen burnt down at Christmas, meaning they had to move out for ages, and I keep wondering if that's sorted now? (was it little? )

I've lost my knitting mojo (I think it's being smothered by a mound of anaemia and PGP-induced insomnia) and have in fact knit nothing of note since becoming updiffed shock
In an attempt to regain it I bought a kit to knit a lovely expensive cardigan and I've suddenly thought, "whoops I'm pregnant!"....... I'll knit it to my previous measurements which is probably a massive mistake though with it being a cardi it will at least be a bit more forgiving than a jumper?? confused le sigh

JenFraggle Wed 11-Jul-12 14:03:23

Think it was Faith and I seem to remember a thread maybe last month saying they were back in

Lordy I'm tired after a long trip to Birmingham yesterday. 3 hour editorial meeting, then shopping and supper with a good friend from up north who came to meet me. Lovely. So i'm taking half an hour off to watch Escape to the Country. They've got 3 teenage sons. It's like looking into my future (except of course I'll have 4...) They've got 3 rottweilers too.

Sorry to hear about your hips and loss of mojo fluff. I'm really enjoying knitting at the mo. Are you uncomfy sitting? Are you having any physio? I went to a water physio class last time, which was really helpful. Perhaps you could ask your mw to refer to something local?

tricky situation there tock. I def think telling in advance would be good. It's hard to have info sprung on you, but I'm sure they'd be fine. Forewarned being forearmed and all that.

Hello everyone else <waves>. 2 rounds of knitting for me then back to the packing.

BartletForAmerica Wed 11-Jul-12 14:40:37

tock, please email them to let them know. If they are anything like me, I'd be very pleased for you but also want to cry a bit for myself and the baby I'd lost, so I could gather myself so I could smile at the BBQ, rather than getting that winded feeling when someone announces it publicly and I don't have time to work out how to react.

cakes82 Wed 11-Jul-12 17:10:42

I've posted a bump photo on profile, I feel like I look huge but as I don't have anyone to compare to i'm not really sure.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 11-Jul-12 17:18:36

Oh. Your bump looks about the same size as mine. I'm about 21 weeks pregnant sad

Yours looks lovely, BTW!

JenFraggle Wed 11-Jul-12 17:21:52

Great bump

Lovely bump cakes You're not huge at all, although I can imagine how it might impinge on a professional snooker career, if that's your line of work. I'm slightly envious as I still just look like I've put on weight, whereas you def look pg! Enjoy the next 10 weeks or so until you get really enormous.

Off on another school trip today. Gosh, I could do with a quiet day at home with no children!

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 09:05:04

Hello all

Lovely neat bump Cakes smile

As I wrote my BBQ conundrum to you all I had decided I was going to write to my friend (it's actually the man in the couple that I know best). I wrote a v simple note, trying to avoid being patronising as I know this would really get to him. It was actually DP who thought it wasn't fair on all our other friends if we told this couple first, but he doesn't understand how they must feel, quite simply. DP doesn't seem to understand much at the moment. He thinks that I'm negative because I've been trying to look at ways for us to make our money go further (we have been living off two wages - my past earnings, half his salary - and essentially will have to both have to have a job to keep up living as we are and quite soon); he's also commented that I'm less inclined to do lots of extra-curricula stuff at the moment. Hello, I'm pregnant! All the household management stuff - from managing bills, filing, costs, shopping, washing, organising holidays/nights out, looking after DS in the working week and managing/funding childcare - is done by me. I also pay the mortgage and our only pension. He puts a chunk of cash in our a/c for living costs; then uses the rest for travel and I'm not sure what else, but various hobbies that he really loves. He didn't even know what his net salary was when I asked. I'm pretty sick of being labelled negative and narrow for caring about these things. He says he is terrified about the cost and responsibility of having two children. But he doesn't seem able to look at ways to manage this responsibility.

Sorry moan over. I don't want to moan about him to anyone in RL - it feels snidey and betraying enough doing it here.

I just need to accept that DP doesn't see his role in life as involving the practical stuff. He has a decent job, about which he is very conscientious, and he is a great Dad and I need to be thankful for these for lovely attributes.

Hope you're all doing ok. Fluff - any respite from your ailments? Smegs - is your cold going? Stacks - how is your back?

xxx

Your bump is very neat cakes! I'll see if I can get DH to take one of mine for you to be shocked at compare over the next few days grin

Wow tock DH doesn't seem to live in the real world? I don't mean that in a nasty way, honest - just that he doesn't seem to realise what his monthly bills amount to, and how is salary compares to that iyswim? Maybe you need to put it all on a spreadsheet and have a "finance meeting" with him (we do this every few months in Chateau Fluff - we are the sort to get a cold sweat on if we have more than £100 on our only credit card) so he can see where the money goes, and how much you're going to have to cut out of your budget if you're off work.

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 10:43:07

Just another thing for me to pursue with him Fluff; me taking the lead etc. We had a list of costs but he has shown v little interest in updating it. No DP doesn't want to live in the real world; he works hard and he feels that he earns his pleasures and there shouldn't be any worries about other stuff. He is basically a v dreamy sort of person. And I'm not much like that any more although I think I was in the past. Well done re' your approach: sounds v positive. I am thankful that we don't have a credit card and avoid debts other than our mortgage, but that's because we are using money that I tucked away before I got together with DP.

Actually I take it back, I think he's got it spot on - we all work really hard, and there really shouldn't be any other worries about other stuff!! smile
I like to have a credit card for the Section 75 protection you get when buying anything over £100 - so we use it when we buy anything big, like our TV, washing machine etc, but pay it off the same month.

My cardigan kit has arrived, hurrah! Trying to work out how to incorporate a larger waist in without throwing off the pattern - seriously, who has an 8 inch difference between their bust and waist? shock I wish!

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 11:56:13

Yes all great for him as someone else sorts it out for him. That's life for lots of women these days as far as I can tell.

Stacks Thu 12-Jul-12 11:56:17

tock I'm a bit confused by your DP, but it's a confusion I get with all couples who don't share everything. My DH earns a lot more than me, and spends less than me, but when we got married, everything became ours. His savings became my savings, and mine became his. He brought a lot more to the marriage savings/earnings than I can, but he married me knowing that.
For me, having kids is a lot like being married. He works hard, and earns the money, but you work hard looking after his house and child to enable him to do that. I can't really see how he justifies keeping half his salary as a play thing while you manage all the bills and household finances and live off your savings. It doesn't seem like a fair deal to me.
Surely he can look at his finances, and the amount of money he's spending on his activities, and see how he could perhaps increase his contributions to the family to cover the extra cost of a second child? They're not free, and another child is his responsibility to support. This wasn't an accidental pregnancy for you, and when he gave you his blessing to try for another child (and his sperm!) he agreed to that responsibility. Now he just needs to step up.

There are lots of couples with lots of different ways of handling money, and I try really hard not to judge people on the way they choose to handle these things. Ignore me if I've stepped over a line.

My uncle and aunt used to have a relationship similar to yours - but one day she decided to go out to work to have some money of her own (and less stress!). She 'charged' him half the child care costs, and stopped ironing his shirts, cooking, cleaning etc etc. Not in a malicious way, just because she was busy at work. It lasted 6 months, then he agreed to pay her a salary of her own for the childcare and housework, money she could live on comfortably and spend as she pleased. It worked really well for them having separate finances, so it can work.

Also, my back isn't really much better, but I'm fairly sure it's a muscular problem. It hurts when standing or walking, but especially when I'm doing things with my right arm - like brushing my teeth or holding my umbrella. Today it helped to put my right foot up on the bath while brushing my teeth - somehow offset the stretch and eased the pain. I think I just need a physio.

Fluff the cardie looks really nice, but I wouldn't have a hope in hell of changing a pattern smile I've been stuck for months on the jumper I'm knitting. I've somehow reversed the pattern (doing the same row twice maybe) so the front side is showing the backside. I can't for the life of me fix it! I've unpicked and carefully re-knit it 3 times now and it keeps being wrong. It's the line right across the front of the jumper, just below the neck, so important to get right. I think I'm going to need DH's Nan to help.

cakes that's a lovely neat bump, and doesn't look huge at all. I know what you mean though, mine looks huge to me, but I doubt it's noticeable to others (I've got a photo in my profile from a couple weeks ago).

clickingtock Thu 12-Jul-12 12:29:49

We're not married Stacks and that is a difference. He has put all his savings in the account I offset against our mortgage. He is simply too used to being a bachelor.

We've shared a bank account and pooled savings/wages etc since the dawn of time not long after we met when I was 17. I think it was easier with us though as we both came into the relationship with nothing iykwim, as we were both penniless students, and everything we've earned since has gone into a communal pot. I think it must be way more difficult to take that leap when you come into a relationship with hard-won assets of your own?

Nan's a good idea stacks or if there's a local knitting group / stitch and bitch evening, someone there might help smile

Stacks Thu 12-Jul-12 14:18:41

tock yeah, before we were married we had a joint account into which we both put the same amount of money each month. That paid the mortgage, bills and shopping/house repairs etc. We did that mostly because our parents were worried about us buying a house together and moving in together so soon after meeting. If we ran out of money one month, we both put equal money into the account to cover it. When we had extra in there, it went into a joint savings account to pay for bigger house things, or a holiday.

There are a couple of things I consider equivalent to marriage (well, more binding really!) buying a house together, and having children. It's easy to get into and out of a marriage, I got a "simplified divorce" from my Ex, took 10 minutes to fill out the form, and the rest just happened automatically.

Did you mention at one point you and your DP were thinking of marriage?

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