To let my PIL take my boys to Disneyland Florida(80 Posts)
PIL have said they want to take my boys who will be 5 & 6 to Florida. Other family members (childless) will also be going.
I don't want them to go!
It is too far away from me, I wouldn't be happy, and I personally think these kinds of memories should be made with parents not grandparents/aunties/uncles/cousins
Is there any reason you can't go too?!
Is there no way you can go along too?
If not, YANBU.
It is the kind of place I would want to take my children, not let the grandparents take them without me. I would want to be right there with them and share in their joy.
If this is the only opportunity they will have to go I'd let them. My parents and mil have always spent time with my son on holidays and he's 14 now and has some amazing memories of the times they have spent together. My dad died 2 years ago and I am so glad that my son spent quality time with him - grandparents are great and I'd always encourage time together.
Isn't there anyway that you could join them?
I would have thought the distance involved would be grounds for refusal on its own.
However they're your children and a polite"thanks for your offer but I really have to refuse" ought to be quite sufficient.
It's quite sad you only want memories making with just yourself and not extended family.
As for the holiday, if others are going can you not go as well? What does your DH think? Is he happy to let them go?
It's not something I'd personally do as think holidays should be with family but lots feel differently and quite happily leave their children to go away and vice versa.
I wouldnt want my kids to be away for two weeks at that age without me. No mattrr where it was.
Disney Florida is somewhere id want to go with them - can you go too?
I would allow PIL to take my children away, but there again PIL have always been fantastic with my children and are a great support to me.
Is there a back story.
Why don't you want to go. Sounds like a lovely trip. Children right age. They can't go without you at that age unless they very used to their grandparents
I agree with you, no way would I want to miss taking them to something like that. It's too big a thing.
Personally the distance would be the deal breaker for me while they're so young, they are still too little to really get how far away it is, and if they got homesick for you it could ruin it for them anyway, and you couldn't get to them easily. I think you need to go with or just wait until you can take them yourself, you have lots of time.
I would have no problem saying no to this, only do what you are comfortable with. Just because something is suggested doesn't mean you have to go along with it if you are unhappy.
OP, I would have been exactly the same as you, so YANBU!
I would happily wave them off now they are 13 and 15
Are you in the uk? If so, I would probably be ok with Disneyland Paris - just.
But Florida is far too far for a 5 year old!
My DS was always going on holiday with my mum and my sister - he's 21 now and last year he went to Russia with my sister ! He went to Florida with my sister twice before he was 9 . That said I wouldn't have let him go on holiday with PIL as I didn't trust them with him .
But like others have said, why aren't you going too?
Say No then if you don't want them to go - the distance and length of time away would be a big no for me. Could you suggest Paris instead? That would be a good compromise
and would mean I would never have to go near the place
Can't you all go to Disneyland Paris?
I love disneyworld and we are off there again in a few weeks. It is not the sort of holiday I'd let ILs take the DCs on without us. I'd say no, they're too young and it's too far and for too long without you
I disagree they are the right age unless the grandparents were very used to taking them for holidays and overnights and parental type care. I send my 6 and 8 year old to stay with very lovely grandparents for 4 nights and it was too much for my (admittedly quite clingy) 6 year old. It's been better since she's been 7/8 but aged 4/5/6 it was just a no for her to stay away from home for more than one night with mummy appearing in the morning.
That would be my reason.
I would be delighted if my pil wanted to do this. But I know my 5 year old would miss me too much.
My 6 year old would be fine though.
Is there any reason you can't go as well?
If going with grandparents was the only chance they'd ever be able to go, then yes, in theory, I'd let them go.
However, my DD2 is extremely anxious away from home and gets homesick and really needs to be with us as well, DD1 would have been ok. She's not very grandmotherly or patient so my girls don't really know her, she thinks DD1's coeliac disease is some "trendy, new fangled allergy nonsense" so in all honesty I wouldn't trust my MiL with a pot plant let alone my children
My Mum and Dad I'd be happier about - kids love them to death and my parents would do anything for them
I would also be delighted if mine wanted to take them.
It's the holiday from hell for me, looks hideous.
I personally wouldn't let my in laws take them. Or my.patents for that matter. I have never done Disney in Florida, so is something I want to do with my children for the first time, parents/in laws more than welcome to join us, but I want to be there. I wouldn't be happy with that distance either. Also, for me, I wouldn't let one set of in laws take the children away purely because I do not think they would cope well, particularly with ds2 who is dyspraxic, has global delay and generally is harder work.
Depends on what sort of relationship they have with their grandparents. If you're confident they'll be happy and well cared for, then yeah YABU to not let them go.
It's a bit mean not to let them go without you just because you might miss out on the shared experience if you're not actually in a position to take them.
I would be fine with it as long as DC wouldn't miss me to the point it would be crappy for all.
There are a ton of more interesting places/experiences I want to have with them above Disney. So - especially given the cost - I would quite happily wave them off for a me-free Disneyfest.
Depends on what sort of relationship they have with their grandparents. If you're confident they'll be happy and well cared for, then yeah YABU to not let them go
I disagree. My dc have a fantastic relationship with my parents, but I wouldn't let them go abroad with them now (ages 4 and 6). They're still little and I would be a bag of nerves the whole time, even though I know my dp's are fantastic with them.
I don't think it's bu at all.
No way. Far too far and far too young!
This is the kind of thing that would be about 100 times more fun for both them AND YOUR PIL if they just waited a few years.
If something happened, you couldn't get there at all easily. Yes, it's unlikely that anything major is going to happen. But what is almost guaranteed is that after a couple of days they're going to want you there. So they're going to be tired, emotional, and wanting mummy, and you aren't going to be able to be there. Im afraid that at 5 and 6, it's more likely that the 'memories' are going to be of the slightly scary time they had with Gran and Grandad and Auntie X all trying to jolly them along at bedtime/when they fall/when they argue and cry when they both just want you.
At 5 and 6, so much of the daily care is still quite tiring and time-consuming, too - and very tailored to THEM in particular. You know, for example, that perhaps the 5 year old will enjoy doing x as long as they've had an early night the night before, and to change plans to get the best out of a particular day if they've had a bad night's sleep. That's just one example: eating, sleeping, resting, favourite foods/toys/colours, flash points when they argue - EVERYTHING about them, which you know and your PIL don't. It's stuff like that that really matters when little kids are away from home and expected to 'keep up' with a busy schedule. Holidays may be fun, but they're also busy, tiring and always on the go. Your PIL might be in for a rather disillusioning shock if they end up with two cranky, squabbling children who quite frankly aren't going to appreciate the fact they're in Disneyland at a cost of ££££££ when neither of them had what they wanted for breakfast and are tired and want to go home now, please. Basically, from your PIL's point of view, this could end up one fantastic way for them to waste a shedload of money having a rather stressful time straining their relationship with their grandchildren. That really needs to be pointed out and the rose-tinted specs taken off for a bit.
And that's without even getting to the fact that yes, you're the parents, if you would rather do these big holidays WITH them, then you should.
All this could be avoided if they waited a few years - when they were more independent, better able to manage tiredness and being away from you, PLUS - they'd actually be old enough to properly remember it!
So I would absolutely say NO to Florida. Butlins, yes. Florida? Not until youngest is at least 8.
I wouldn't want them to go either! For several reasons - agree with you about wanting to have that first time memory with you there, I think they are too young to go all that way on holiday with gp (I wouldn't particularly want to take them that young if I was taking them either, I'd prefer to wait until they were a bit older - say 9 and 10 - before going that far, although I know not everyone agrees with that). I'm also guessing if they are going that far it will be for at least a week, probably 10-14 days, which is a long time for you to be away from your dc and they from you.
Will the GPs still go if your dc don't go? What does your dh think? Do the dc even know that it's an option?
Must admit, if this was me, I'd be putting my foot down, in the nicest possible way of course, and just say sorry but whilst it is a lovely offer, you don't think it's right at the moment for a number of reasons. And maybe offer them a couple of days away in the uk together and the promise of all going to disney together one day in the future.
Do you think it is because the pil want to reclaim their youth or be the big cheeses with your dc for taking them to disney world and pushing you out, or are they genuine?
And remember that just because they have said that they want to take them, you have absolutely no obligation to say yes. if they are pushy they might get a bit stroppy/manipulative/etc but be prepared for that beforehand and just keep saying no. And if your dh doesn't agree with you - that's tricky but I think in cases like this one, your wish for them to stay here (effectively keeping things the same) tops his wish for them to go. It's tricky as you can't have a half way house solution - either they go or they don't. And other sort of solutions (going to disneyland paris and you going too) aren't necessarily going to work for the gp if they want a hoilday in florida or if you can't go and you want to go for their first experience of disney etc etc
Good luck. Just keep firm, whether I agreed with you or not, you don't feel that it's right for them to go so don't let them go!
But with all due respect Emerald, whether you would enjoy the experience or not isn't really the issue tbh. It's whether the child would have a good time.
YANBU. I'd either go too, or not let them go until they are older.
We have been "told" we can't afford it! Which, we can't! But it is our decision to make not theirs! They are doing it for purely selfish reasons, so that they are the ones who took them on an amazing holiday. They have a good relationship which unfortunately consists of them spoiling them to death and me biting my tongue! Dh thinks we should take the opportunity to go away ourselves, we haven't been away abroad since our honeymoon. Thanks for the opinions, nice to see other peoples views
So they don't want you and DH to go, is that what you mean by "we have been "told" we can't afford it"
My GP took me when I was 7 and I loved it. It was brilliant. There are fantastic water parks and theme parks attached to each other, they will have an amazing time.
My parents then took me when I was 14. Then I took my daughter when she was ten.
I do think the whole 'I want them to experience it with me' excuse is really selfish . And what's wrong with GP spoiling them on a fabulous holiday? Let them have this experience while they are young then you take them when you can afford it when they are a little older, it will be just a fantastic for them but on a different angle.
Go on holiday with your DH, enjoy being able to chill out and relax and reconnect with your dh.
It's a no brainer!
Let them go!!!!
P.s I'm normally against GP overstepping boundaries but this is an amazing opportunity for your kids.
God, I'd be a nervous wreck if my children went to Disney land without me. I just couldn't trust my parents or in laws to be as vigilant as me when it comes to making sure no one has wandered off with them or that they've been left behind.
Fully agree with another chapter, take the time to have a grown up holiday.
I can't believe all the posters admitting to not wanting there kids to experience it because they can't - how selfish is that.
And I think it's a bit agest to think the PILS will not cope with two small children. Utter rubbish. I assume they are two mentally capable, fit adults. Have any of you opposing it actually been to florida or Disney land? Even if your not driving, transport is very good and there are little trains all over the parks if little legs get tired.
2cats did your parents or your PILS let your or your DH wander off and get in danger when you were little?
It might not go down well on here, but I remember seeing lots of children with these on this
That's not the point anotherchapter. The fact is they are all in the it 70s now and live quiet, young-children-free lives. It's 35years + since they've been responsible for young children of their own. It's clear to me when I spend time with them that they just are in a different place now.
One example of this is my dad leaving my ds (two at the time) on his own on the side of a main road because he'd forgetten something and had run back to the house for it.
I just wouldn't be able to relax if they took them to Disneyland without me.
I'm always rather meh about this monopoly over memories thing but YANBU in being concerned about this trip.
My objections would be on practical grounds. The US is a very long way away if all doesn't go as well as your PIL assume. Disneyland (I imagine given that I've never had any desire to visit any of the Mouse Empire Outlets) is a potentially tiring, if exciting, experience and I'm just wondering what the hurry is here? Give it a couple of years and I'd think the dcs would get a great deal more out of the trip.
Also, before I put my dcs on a plane to the US, I'd want to be comfortable about them being away from home with me and well used to staying with their grandparents. I wouldn't rule out your PIL taking them to Florida when the time is right but I'd be more comfortable knowing that this was for the dcs benefit rather than any sort of bragging rights!
I would let them in a heart beat... especially if we couldn't take them at any point.
Book a no kids holiday with the husband I would like a shot.
One example of this is my dad leaving my ds (two at the time) on his own on the side of a main road because he'd forgetten something and had run back to the house for it. that there is your excuse. And one I would use myself, but op hasn't indicated her pils would be like that.
Being 70 does not mean you can't look after young kids. God my gran was still working then and regularly had her dgc fir the weekend. She is 83 and is more active than me!
By the way my gran went back to Disney land with my father and his other dgc when she was around 75. She is a game old bird!
If you are saying no because of what's best for your children eg. They'll be too unsettled etc then fine.
If you are saying no purely because of how it will make you feel you are being entirely unreasonable and completely selfish to deny them such an opportunity.
You need to separate your feelings about their GPs spoiling them from your feelings about their well being.
If they are well used to being away from you, would have a lovely time and would be well cared for and safe you really should let them go.
If you think they would be homesick and expected to fit round the adults you're right to say no.
Forget the over ridiculous adverts that paint Disneyland as some sort of over emotional rite of passage that creates the best memories of their whole childhood. It's an extended theme park trip. They might have a great time but they aren't going to love their GPs any more because it was them they went with. Childhood memories aren't made better because there is a big commercial build up. They will remember wonderful times with you that cost almost nothing.
Stop focussing on it being Disneyland and make the decision as if they were going to a villa near the beach. Would you feel comfortable allowing them to go? If not that's a good reason to say no to this trip. If you would feel comfortable, YWBVU to say no just because it is Disneyland.
Forget the over ridiculous adverts that paint Disneyland as some sort of over emotional rite of passage that creates the best memories of their whole childhood.
Totally agree with this!
We did DLP just after Christmas a few years ago. Kept it all a big secret until we were boarding the Eurostar. I was expecting tears and squeals and general delight, I had my phone out ready to record their reactions DD1 said - "Oh, OK. Can I have a sausage roll?". DD2 said "but will there be people dressed up?" - meaning Mickey, etc, it turned out she was absolutely terrified of all the characters
It was lovely, we had a fantastic break
when we weren't hiding from Mickey Mouse but all the magical memory making stuff is just over egging the pudding
My first trip to Disney land was when I was 5 with my cousin without my parents. I had a fantastic time.
My next few trips with my parents were still just as amazing. It never felt any less special with my parents because it wasn't my first time with them. There's so many things to do and explore at Orlando, Disney that even if the GP's take them you can still take them later and do new things with them.
If they would have fun, let them go. It's not about how you feel, it's about how your kids will have a great time. Your children aren't a possession that you own.
Also, as Gold said, Disney is an extended theme park. It's not the cornerstone of all childhood memories. Having gone to Disney quite a few times as a child (American), some of my best memories are not from Disney.
Not been myself but friends went when their daughter was six and it was all too much for her.They had to hire a buggy to push her around as she got so tired.
There is something that your PIL have likely not thought about; they need your permission as parents to take your children abroad on holiday if you are not travelling with them.
They should also have two further documents. The first should be a direction from his parents giving you permission to travel with their child. This document should have the exact date and destination of travel as well as flight numbers etc. The documents should be signed and notarised. The second is a notarised letter from the parents giving permission for medical care. You may never be asked for these documents but for the little effort it will take to have them better safe than sorry.
Um, if your PIL are telling you - TELLING YOU - that you can't go, then that is the best reason in the world to smile and say 'No, dc aren't going, but thanks for the offer'.
Always, always make it clear to other family members that a. you do not get told what to do as adults and b. as parents of your children, you get the final say. And the first and second and third says.
Best way to family harmony in the long term.
Is your DH really happy for your DC to be without either parent for a fortnight?
I'd ask him why he thinks that's ok
If they won't pay for at least one of you to go I wouldn't agree. Just tell them you plan to do it yourselves one day.
I haven't been to Florida but Disneyland was ok with DD aged 11 - until that age I doubt she could have coped with the queues in that heat!
I coped fine - hat, t-shirt, buckets of sunblock on. It's doable. Like a poster said, you can hire buggies.
My grandma took me away for a month to Canada and America when I was 8. I loved every second and cried myself to sleep on the plane home.
I was very close to her though.
I probably wouldn't let anyone take my kids out of the country for hols. Odd weekends are okay. If I hadn't already been to Disney with my two I might not want others to take them first.
My IL's also want to do Disneyland Florida with the kids and want to pay for them, we'll pay for ourselves.
I'm grateful and will be excited when the time comes, but the reality is that it'll be a very stressful experience. If I suggested we didn't go along, they'd have a heart attack!
Alternative might be to say yes, let the kids go to Disney and you & DH book a nice, peaceful week away in the sun for two
If they want to go it would be very mean to say no.
My DCs always hated Disney so it wouldn't have been an issue.
I know it's nowhere near as far, but my parents took my then 8 and 6 year old to Disneyland Paris earlier this year. They went for four nights and that was long enough for my 6 year old, she was just beginning to miss me .
They had the best time ever, we weren't going to take them ourselves we have a younger child and couldn't afford it and my parents had always promised to take them. Tbh it was lovely to see photos of my dad in a teacup with my kids, they made some lovely lovely memories with their nana and granda that they'll always have.
I think they're a bit young to go such a long way with their grandparents. They will probably miss you a lot, and it is a tiring holiday.
I'd wait a few years then let them go.
My boys went with their grandparents at that age
They loved it
They would never have gone if it wasn't for ex's parents
It's not something I could ever afford to do so I am grateful they got to go with or without me
Far too young to go away for such a long time without at least one parent.
I put magical memories in the same bucket as precious moments, tbh.
There is no real need for young children to go to Disney to make memories. If you feel they are too young and it's too far (which I agree with) then I'd say no.
But with all due respect Emerald, whether you would enjoy the experience or not isn't really the issue tbh. It's whether the child would have a good time
But the reason I would be on pins is because of the thought of things going wrong - unlikely but possible.
Eg...wandering off unnoticed in somewhere as busy as Disney. Falling ill when thousands of miles away.
If I was talking age 10 and 12, where they were old enough to understand just how long two weeks is, were more self sufficient etc then that's different. But mine are 4 and 6. Ds2 would have no concept of the reality of how long a fortnight is without us.
And as fab as my parents are, they've never taken them away. A night or weekend sleep over at nanna's, in familiar surroundings, is completely different from taking them out and about in Florida, regardless of for how long. For dc and my parents.
not wanting them to go on the grounds of too young, too far away, too long a period of time, PILS not physically up to it - YANBU.
Not wanting them to go because you don't want any 'big' memories to be made apart from with you - YABVVVU.
Your reasons seem to be all about you, not about your DC and whether or not they would enjoy it, and if your ILs are up to it.
I really struggle to get the 'it's selfish to want to do this with your children yourself' - of course you do! If this is something you're waiting to save up and do with them, then that's a reason in itself, you don't have to accept this offer just because it's been made. And I wouldn't feel safe with children that young on another continent without me. Some parents would and that's fine, but I'm one of the ones who wouldn't. There isn't a right or wrong to this, it's down to how you feel and that's ok.
OP I think they are too young and it's too far.
My dc wouldn't go to Disneyland anywhere if you paid them. They would be thrilled if we took dgc which we wont as we would hate it too I bet the children would like some of it though.
As a family we hate queues, crowds, fast food, commercialised themed stuff aimed at extracting money and long flights. Even the children hate all the above except for the 'stuff' a trip to thelocal Disney store will sort that!
Honestly op let the dgp take them and you and dh have a lovely holiday together.
if your dh says you can book a holiday abroad while they are away , why cant you afford to go to florida? if the gps are paying for the kids its fairly cheap for 2 adults, so you could all go together or do the PILs not want you there at all?
Theres no way I would be lettting my DC go abroad with anyone else, even france! and I am still edgy when bil and sil take her for a week in the uk.
YABU - if my parents had the opportunity to let me go to Disneyland without them and said no I would never forgive them
Whay RiverTam said. Yes they are very young to go abroad without you and YANBU to not let them go on the basis of being worried that they would be upset or something may go wrong.
But how strange and selfish to not want them to have good memories of enjoying themselves with other relatives-only with you.
Your post made me laugh stinkle my children were entirely underwhelmed on arrival at disney. Mostly complaining that it was too hot.
Could you all just go for a week? Would that be affordable?
I would be insulted that the PILS hadn't invited me and DP along too. I have no time for precious 'my time not your time' games.
No, I wouldn't let my children go to the states without me. What a huge responsibility for anyone.
You shouldn't be made to feel unreasonable for not letting them go. But I do think you're quite unreasonable for asking a question like this - I'm sure you know deep down it's your choice and nobody should be telling you that you're obliged to let them go.
Why not invite your PILS to take them to LEGOLAND or Peppa Pig land if they wish to have a special outing? Your children will be able to enjoy their company just as well.
Why can't you go? I would let them go if you can go to if it will be their only opportunity before becoming adults. They are too young to be this far from you. It would be far kinder for pil to offer to pay for you, dh and dcs to go but obviously its me me me
How regularly do your PIL see your children and how much time do they spend with them?
There is a very big difference between taking (on a two week holiday) a 5 and 6 year old that you only see for an odd afternoon three or four times a year, and taking a 5 and 6 year old who you see every week or so, spending lots of hands on time with them.
Have your PIL taken them away without you before? The most important issue is whether you think they are capable of giving your DCs sufficient and familiar care for a fortnight. Do you have reason to believe they couldn't?
Would you feel differently if it were your own parents, Angryb1rd?
Age wise my concern would be that they're too young to be away from you for that length of time. In terms of the right age for disney its a perfect age.
We've been to disneyworld a number of times. The first time with the DCs to Florida they were 3 and 5, the next time they were 5 and 7 this time they will be 9 and 7. Each age is slightly different but that first trip was so magical because they believe still. Its a perfect age for Disney, as they get older Universal is more exciting for them.
In your position I would explain to your PILs that no you can't afford it as a family but since they've kindly offered to pay for your DCs then you will be able to afford to come along (since you'll only be paying for the two of you) and its fantastically kind of them to pay for the DCs so that you can all go together as one big family.
"I would be insulted that the PILS hadn't invited me and DP along too."
Maybe that would be a nice thing for the PILs to do if they happen to have (say) an extra £2000 available in order to treat their DS and DDIL as well as treating their DGCs, but I haven't seen OP suggest that her PILs can afford to pay for them, too. Or did I miss that bit?
Ridiculous to be "insulted" if someone cannot afford to pay for you too. (Actually, I also think it's ridiculous to be insulted if someone chooses not to pay for you too).
For me it wouldn't be about the memories but simply that they're too young & it's too far away.
I'd let them do it when the kids were older (teenagers) but not before.
How about suggesting that they take them somewhere for a weekend to allow you & your DH to have a short break away? That would be the most I'd allow (or even want) at that age.
I didn't say I would be insulted if they didn't offer to pay for me as their guests. I said I'd be insulted at absence of an invitation to go too. I wouldn't feel this way about older children perhaps doing a hobby they really enjoy with a grandparent - but at this age when it's so far and other members of the family are also coming - yes, I'd feel insulted and I don't think it's ridiculous.
And my DD is only 3 so this is all a long way off, but if she ever gives me a grandchild, I would never dream of suggesting any activity that involved taking her child and leaving her behind - unless she was delighted for the break, of course - but even then I'd let it be known that I was sorry she wasn't coming.
Disneyland Paris is fab. Go for a long weekend and spend 3 days in the parks and you'll have a great time. You could all go then
"I didn't say I would be insulted if they didn't offer to pay for me as their guests"
That's true, you didn't, thicketofstars. I apologise for my assumption, which was that I though (clearly incorrectly), because earlier posts by OP seemed to say that she & her DH could not afford to pay to go and that her PILs knew that she and her DH couldn't afford to pay to go, that you meant that you would be insulted that the PILS hadn't invited you and DP along too (thus paying for you), in that situation.
Sorry for taking that wrongly.
ADishBestEatenCold No worries
my Parents in their wildest of dreams could not afford to take My siblings and me to Disney land. If they wanted to take my 2 they could.
I have just had to cash in every favour possible after major surgery to ensure my 2 DC have had a fantastic summer holiday.
I could never afford to go and i would think it would be very selfish of me to say no.
No child needs a once in a life trip to Disney, but a child needs to see that there is a big world out there just waiting to be explored
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