Believe it or not i am not a bridezilla

(114 Posts)
KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:38:04

I'm going to get flamed for this...

Ok, getting married in Dec. My poor mate is organising my hen do for end Nov. Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone. She heard back from everyone (ive organised these things before and its a ball ache so im really grateful to her). She had trouble getting hold of one person who eventually came back two weeks later to say she wont be coming because she doesnt know anyone. This is someone i have bent over backwards for in the past with no intention of receiveing anything in return. I am really surprised at how irritated i am by this. I would rather she had made up a better excuse. Aib totally u?

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Aug-14 22:40:30

At least she's being honest

Can't you tell her to bring a friend along?

MajesticWhine Tue 26-Aug-14 22:42:03

So, she's shy perhaps and doesn't mix with people that easily. Wouldn't you prefer her not to come and have a miserable time? We need a bridezilla emoticon grin

One person isn't coming?

Yes I think you're being unreasonable to let that bother you. Not everyone enjoys hen nights, if someone really doesn't fancy it then just let that go. Is she coming to the wedding? Surely that's more meaningful.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:43:26

Thanks for the reply. Believe me i am not a brat and i have been a cery good friend to this person. This will sound awful but i dont really want people there who i dont know. She is bringing a friend i incidentilly haven't met to the wedding at a cost of us inviting others. I didnt want her to have to come alone if she wanted to be there (she lives 10 mins from reception). I am just a bit embarrassed by her response.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:45:20

Thanks for other responses. You're totally right, I know that. Shes far from shy. She just cant be bothered.

MrsWinnibago Tue 26-Aug-14 22:47:24

You know you don't HAVE to have a Hen Night?

Lj8893 Tue 26-Aug-14 22:47:40

I really don't understand what your issue is? Its just a hen party, i would feel uncomfortable going to a hen party if i only knew the bride tbh. (and im a extroverted and chatty as they come) shes going to the wedding, that's all that matters surely!

hormonalandneedingcheese Tue 26-Aug-14 22:52:56

It's very disappointing when friends can't make things, more so when you'd do it for them or go above and beyond and they could, but won't.

Is this the only time she's not bothered with something or is this the last in a long string of let downs where you bend over backwards for her but she never does for you? If she's a constant let down, why do you bother?

If she's not, then obviously she's just not comfortable.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:53:12

I appreciate that. There have been times where i have been to a few in identical circumstances but i do it because i want to do something for my friend which isnt all about me. Ive always thought of it as one night that i cant go back and change. I know i dont have to have one but surely its not that unusual to want to have one.

BackforGood Tue 26-Aug-14 22:53:41

I don't understand why you are so cross either.
If it were a quiet meal around a table and I didn't know anyone, then I'd go, but it sounds like it's a bit more than this... not sure what you mean by it being "a night" - in which case, I wouldn't want to go with a load of people I don't know either. Like others, I'm not shy and feel I can chat to most people, but hen nights aren't always the easiest place to go and chat and make friends, are they ?
You've got lots of people going - let those who want ot, go and have that night. Lots of people don't enjoy hen nights.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:54:56

Thanks for reply. Its more a case of her never needing to go all out or be there iyswim. Ive never even had a birthday party, organised a bday meal etc. i hate attention in that respect.

Silvercatowner Tue 26-Aug-14 22:55:38

Unusual to have one where the guests are pressured/blackmailed to come though.... or perhaps it isn't these days. Are you sure you aren't a bridezilla?

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:56:23

Thanks Backfirgood. Tbf my friend said early on that she would pair her with me in rooms. Id never have keft her out on a limb so to speak.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:57:30

Silver - my mate only messages her very gently to ask as she needed to book. Surely not U. How else are you supposed to arrange these things.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 22:57:53

Messaged, not messages

Silvercatowner Tue 26-Aug-14 23:12:19

She was asked, she said 'no'. She doesn't want to go. I guess you could always kidnap her.... You are not being unreasonable to be pissed off, but that's it.

RedToothBrush Tue 26-Aug-14 23:12:37

NO is an acceptable answer. YABU if you don't like it.

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Aug-14 23:14:47

I genuinely don't see why you won't compromise and tell her to bring a friend.

You probably won't even notice there's someone there that you don't know, and even if you do, well she might be a nice person and a good laugh.

I don't blame her for not wanting to go on an overnight hen do where she doesn't know anyone except the bride to be.

KayakJo Tue 26-Aug-14 23:22:25

As if i would suggest that! Her response was blunt and didnt hint at her asking if she wanted to do that. I would say that would be emotional blackmail. Disnt expect anyone to agree a d i appreciate the opinions but i will struggle to do anything for her in future.

plantsitter Tue 26-Aug-14 23:23:45

Better she doesn't come than spend the evening with a face like a slapped camel because she daren't talk to anyone. Result all round, I say.

Silvercatowner Tue 26-Aug-14 23:27:27

So don't do anything for her in the future. Honestly, this is the most non-event AIBU I have ever read.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 26-Aug-14 23:31:40

YABU.

I can't imagine why you think she'd want to go on a night out when she doesn't know anyone?? I certainly wouldn't do it no matter how well I knew the bride. The wedding is what matters and she's going to that so I don't see why she's enemy number 1?

Weddings are stressful times though so you aren't BU to feel annoyed or irritated but you are BU to be so negative about your friend and her perfectly normal decision not to go.

OwlinaTree Tue 26-Aug-14 23:32:08

I know what you mean, I was upset when a friend didn't make it to mine after id made the effort to go to hers. It was in the town we lived in too! So YANBU to be upset.

WorraLiberty Tue 26-Aug-14 23:41:42

Struggling to do anything for her in the future because she doesn't want to go alone to an overnight hen do, is what makes you very very unreasonable.

And I hate to say it, but it also makes you come across as a bit of a bridezilla.

FrozenAteMyDaughter Tue 26-Aug-14 23:44:13

She maybe doesn't like hen parties but thought not knowing anyone else sounded better than saying that in case you were insulted? I was never keen on the larger sort of overnight hen party where, say, strippers and clubbing were involved. Whereas smaller intimate ones with just a few people in a cottage, or whatever - excellent.

If I were you I would try to see past this if she is otherwise a good, caring and reliable friend.

YANBU to be upset though, of course.

missbishi Wed 27-Aug-14 00:08:57

Ok, so she doesn't want to go because she won't know anyone...you're pissed off but at the same time you don't want anyone you don't know attending...

YABU

MidniteScribbler Wed 27-Aug-14 00:10:43

I wouldn't want to go either. I'm not in to getting drunk with a bunch of people I don't know, I hate the whole hen night dress ups and games, and I avoid nightclubs, and don't like going places where you never get to chat with your friends because of too loud music. I would decline the hen night, but I'd offer to take you out to lunch/coffee/high tea or something nice instead where we could actually talk to each other.

SierpinskiNumber Wed 27-Aug-14 01:15:29

If I were you I would text the friend and say that you were sorry that she can't make it but that you completely understand. I would then ask if she fancies doing something with just the two of you before the wedding. If she is keen then you know she still values you as a friend and if she is not then at least you know where you stand.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Wed 27-Aug-14 02:20:15

My cousins never came to mine- one of whom was a bridesmaid! One dropped out and on the morning the other 'fell ill' hmm
We still speak to each other!

GarlicAugustus Wed 27-Aug-14 02:32:27

Ooh, I like Sierpin's answer smile Wish I'd thought of it!

GarlicAugustus Wed 27-Aug-14 02:37:47

My hen weekend was ghastly, btw. I had quite a laugh, but only by dint of staying extremely drunk all the time. I sat up in the hotel bar all Saturday night, drinking whisky with a groom who was having a dreadful stag weekend.

They never turn out like you expect.

KatyN Wed 27-Aug-14 06:46:51

It might not be the truth. Try not to be too upset by it. Maybe it is the finances, or something else.

K

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 06:52:26

I agree with Garlic that SierpinskiNumber's suggestion is brilliant.

I had a series of tiny hen dos (second wedding) and it was win win win win win win.

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 06:54:54

And OP I have no doubt that the rest of the time you arer an absolutely nailed on reasonable and luffly person, but that's the thing with weddings: they turn people into (appropriate noun of choice)zillas,

Don't beat yourself up about it, but in this case you are being a bridezilla.

FlorenceMattell Wed 27-Aug-14 06:56:55

You are being unreasonable.
Your friend is entitled to say no.
I expect you are not being a bridezilla just used to getting your own way generally in life.

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 07:04:22

You are being a bit bridezilla, I'm afraid.

I don't think you can get offended by people not turning up for overnight hen do's, especially if they don't know anyone.

Partridge Wed 27-Aug-14 07:08:10

Bridezilla. I hate hen parties with a passion and wish I had the balls to answer an invitation like that.

Eastpoint Wed 27-Aug-14 07:08:32

YABU

It is her right to accept or turn down an invitation. It would have been politer if she'd just said she has a prior commitment but she was more honest.

MaryWestmacott Wed 27-Aug-14 07:13:24

I think things can get labelled bridezilla when actually it's just you getting upset because while you have put yourself out for this friend (and possibly others), this is the first time she's been asked to put herself out a bit for you and she's said no.

If you aren't the "big birthday" celebration type, you might not have any "you focused" events other than your hen do/wedding day, and so it is the first opportunity for a friend to "repay" your consideration to them, but they don't.

If it's just making you realise your friendship is rather one sided, then you can decide you won't put yourself out for her in the future, and perhaps reassess which of your friends you will go extra mile for, rather than assuming everyone.

Have a manly slap on the back- never nice realising someone means more to you than you do to them.

walde Wed 27-Aug-14 07:16:12

Hen nights are horrible, expensive forced fun with people you hardly know. I wish I was brave enough to respond like your friend rather than going along begrudgingly.

Didyouevah Wed 27-Aug-14 07:44:23

I'm with walde. I despise hen dos. My idea of hell. Don't forget there may be be circumstances you don't know about. Finances/illness etc.

Actually I'm not sure anyone should be THAT bothered. Especially claiming not to be a bridezilla.

Reverse AIBU?

diddl Wed 27-Aug-14 07:53:23

When you say one night, do you mean staying over?

I'd go probably for a meal/drinks/nightclub, but anything else unlikely.

Spa day/"girly" weekend-maybe not!

LoveBeingInTheSun Wed 27-Aug-14 08:04:38

I think she's wanting her to say being x who is coming to the wedding.

I've been on hen night where I have only known the bride, and have also ducked out on another due to this.

SignYourName Wed 27-Aug-14 08:05:37

I see both sides - I agree with MaryWestmacott but I also know how miserable - and expensive - a night out can be when you really don't want to be there, and any sort of hen night that involves silly games / forfeits / dressing up / L plates etc is hell on wheels for lots of people.

It would have softened the blow though if she'd contacted you directly and said "I'm sorry, I can't make the hen do but I'd love to meet up for coffee one day soon if you have time".

Go with Sierpin's reply for now.

starlight1234 Wed 27-Aug-14 08:15:46

I didn't go to a hen night recently. I didn't want to spend my money on a hotel with people I barely knew .

BolshierAyraStark Wed 27-Aug-14 08:16:29

Many years ago when I was more outgoing & far less antisocial I went on the hen night of my SIL where I knew 2 other people. It was by far the worst night out I've ever been on & I discreetly vanished at 10pm, unheard of for me. I was so so glad I'd refused the weekend away she also had as it would have been hell on earth.

YABU.

Kimaroo Wed 27-Aug-14 08:23:48

Well she probably spent two weeks thinking up a response that would be acceptable but in the end just decided to say no. Now you are going to change the core of your friendship with her on a perceived slight. Yep! Definitely bridezilla-itis grin

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 08:32:45

Also, if you're going to be annoyed with someone, it makes more sense to be annoyed with the person who organized it!

I wish brides and head bridesmaids (or whatever they're called these days) would be realistic about how their expectations of people. I know Hollywood movies make it seem like the norm to spend hundreds on your friends' hens' nights, but it's really not, unless you're all very young and very loaded...and American.

Practically everybody I've ever spoken to about this just dreads being asked to go on hens' dos that are longer than one night out.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 08:34:34

I agree with MaryWestmacott - I don't think you're being a bridezilla and you're NBU to feel a little hurt.

deakymom Wed 27-Aug-14 08:37:42

she takes two weeks to reply and say she doesn't know anyone going? i would be ticked off at the time line not the excuse

xx

MyFairyKing Wed 27-Aug-14 08:46:30

YABU. Perhaps there is other stuff going on in her life that she doesn't want to share?

tittifilarious Wed 27-Aug-14 08:55:51

Hen nights are rubbish. The meal/activity bit is ok but I'd always sooner not bother but then the whole trying to find venues suitable for Aunty Mabel, mum, 18yo SILTB, the skint one, the quiet one etc is just a frigging ball ache.

I'd focus more on the people who HAVE agreed to come rather than the one who hasn't.

MaryWestmacott Wed 27-Aug-14 09:21:07

See, I can see why some people are saying "hen nights are rubbish" but on the other hand, if you've 'taken' from someone else, had them help you out or put themselves out for you, done stuff they wouldn't chose to because it was your birthday or you were feeling a bit down, or even it was your hen do, then when it's theirs, the normal thing to do would be suck it up unless you really can't afford it and go. Because friendships are 2 sided.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Aug-14 09:31:50

Being in debt so to speak to someone who has done us a favour surely doesn't mean we must feel obligated to accept what is an invitation not a summons?

Little bit bridezilla-ish so yabu.

BarbaraPalmer Wed 27-Aug-14 09:39:21

i declined a hen party for the same reasons
well, I lied and said I couldn't get childcare, but really I didn't want to go paintballing with 15 total strangers, regardless of my friendship with the bride.

angelos02 Wed 27-Aug-14 09:39:38

Hen dos are so naff. I didn't have one.

adsy Wed 27-Aug-14 09:48:44

God hen nights are shit.
And yes, you are being a bridezilla; it's an invitation and up to her to accept or not. Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on an overnight do with a bunch of strangers.
You also sound very unpleasant and resentful that you have done her a huge favour of allowing her to bring a plus one to the wedding. Surely that's just the norm.

Partridge Wed 27-Aug-14 09:54:37

There is nothing that can kill a vibe more readily than that feeling of being self-conscious, boring, trying to enthuse, being forced to lark around with dares and forfeits at a hen do. I will never go to another, and if I did I would probably unintentionally ruin it for everyone else by trying to join in.

Despite all this I am sociable, outgoing and love spontaneous fun nights out. I never feel more lonely and awkward than at a hen night (I didn't have one for all of the above reasons). Hope that helps you realise just how deep the antipathy some people feel for them. I am sure it has nothing to do with how your friend feels about you.

Mrsjayy Wed 27-Aug-14 09:55:30

You are not being bratty or bridezilla but tbh if she doesn't want to go then its fine honestly it doesn't matter If she has been a pita why are you so annoyed. Say oh I am sorry you dont want to come we will miss you and leave it

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 09:56:23

I am really surprised at these responses; I didn't realise that so many people hate the idea of talking to strangers!

I think I've only ever known 1 or 2 people (MAX) at any wedding I've ever been to, excluding my own. I still go!

I see it like this:

1) A person has invited me to a thing.
2) This indicates they want me there.
3) They drew up the guest list, so they know I don't know anyone.
4) They've still asked me, so that indicate they hope I'll come anyway.
5) Depending on the importance of the event in their life and (shamefully) whether I consider them to be a good friend or not, I will make a decision to go or not. I will nearly always go if I think they'd do the same for me.
6) If I refused because I 'wouldn't know anyone', I am fairly sure my friends would politely accept my refusal but also be a bit hurt. I think they'd be justified, frankly.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 09:58:09

P.S. my rules above go for parties/hen dos/social gatherings of all kinds too.

What's the worst that can happen? You might get on with new people, and if you don't, you can always spend the time amusing yourself by observing their awfulness grin

Partridge Wed 27-Aug-14 09:58:22

I love talking to strangers. I hate organised fun. Hth.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 10:02:22

But there are loads of different types of hen dos - I hate the overly organised dares and forfeits sort too, but under the awkwardness people are still just people. If you can all laugh at how ridiculous you're all being, you can still have a good time.

DaisyFlowerChain Wed 27-Aug-14 10:02:31

Why would you want her to make up a better excuse? The fact that she's been honest is great.

My idea of hell would be a hen night with strangers overnight so I wouldn't go either. A meal yes as it's just a couple of hours.

So you'd rather force her into doing something she would be very uncomfortable with just so that she can ask a favour in the future. Good friendships don't work like that.

Partridge Wed 27-Aug-14 10:04:44

I can't "still have a good time". I hate them.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 10:09:59

Well alright then Partridge, we are clearly very different types of people (despite our usernames)!

diddl Wed 27-Aug-14 10:10:39

i can talk to strangers, as long as I feel comfortable with the environment iyswim.

So meal/drinks, ok.

Strippers/games involving chocolate cocks, not so much!

Mrsjayy Wed 27-Aug-14 10:14:19

Hen dos don't have to be rubbish its what you make of them really

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 10:19:23

Maybe I've just been fortunate enough to go to naice hen dos. My friends can be rather prim although there was the burlesque one

MrsCakesPrecognition Wed 27-Aug-14 10:20:56

I don't understand when/how going on a hen night became a measure of friendship, a sign of undying solidarity and support with the bride and a duty on a par with supporting someone through the shitstorms in life.

It is a party, a bit of fun, one last blast as a single person. So what if someone can't or won't go? It doesn't meant they don't love and support you in your marriage, just that this one event isn't their cup of tea (or they are busy or broke or whatever).

Would you rather she came along and martyred herself throughout the event? Or just that she put a bit more effort into lying about why she won't be there?

Perfectlypurple Wed 27-Aug-14 10:27:55

Yanbu to be a bit upset about your friend not coming but yabu and childish to say you won't do anything for her again.

I know a wedding/hen night is a big deal for the person it includes but for other people it's not the biggest thing in their world.

A supposedly very good friend of mine is currently ignoring me because I cannot make her hen weekend as I am working and do not have enough leave. Just going for one night would involve 2 days leave because of the distance. I do not have the leave to take. There appears to have been a misunderstanding somewhere along the way and I have recently had to confirm I will not be attending. She is now not speaking to me. I have tried apologising and I have sent a text reiterating the apology. She has not replied. She is getting married abroad so none of us attending. I was going to arrange a surprise hen night at my house closer to the wedding for those that couldn't make the hen night. Now I am not going to as this is not the first time she has got in a mood if it isn't all about her and I have better things to do than be bothered with such childishness.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 10:36:09

Well I think in your situation Perfectly that you're right to respond as you have - she IBU to be upset with you.

tittifilarious Wed 27-Aug-14 10:52:02

Last hen do I went on - activity in afternoon, great. Nibbles & fizzy wine in hen's flat organised by her sister - great. Meal in evening - great. If we'd called it a day at 9pm it would've been good. But oh no, we had "the trawling" to find bars in a busy city centre on a Saturday night that could accommodate all 20 of us with completely different tastes, ages, budgets, stamina levels. that bit was crap. Ok I had period pains and was fantasising about my hot water bottle, but still.

I'm thinking back now to all of the hen dos I've been on. The best ones were undoubtedly the ones with a bunch of mates. I don't mind chatting to strangers (in fact I worry sometimes I'm mad bus lady) but an evening out chatting to hen's boring colleague or hen's 16 teenage cousin? No.

Two choices [otherwise imo you are being a Bridezilla]

1) text her or call her to say that you are sorry she doesn't want to come to the hen, but you understand. And that you would like to meet up for a drink instead just the two of you.

2) Since she is bringing a "friend" that you don't know - if female - ask her along to the hen too. Much nicer if that person knows a few folk at the wedding and it will be MUCH easier to find them a slot on a table plan. If it's a male friend, then just arrange option 1) with them as a couple even if they are just friends.

And grow up - I honestly don't know anyone who enjoys a "traditional" hen night past the novelty of the first one or two that you attend. I admire her honesty in admitting that she is too shy/intimidated to go away with a bunch of perfect strangers to be honest and I find it bizarre that you would not wish to help her get to know your other friends.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 11:33:48

fact of the matter is obviously i'm not going to be a cow about it. Not my way and frankly what's the point. Appreciate all the responses. I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous. But i'm hardly going to end a friendship over it.

BackforGood Wed 27-Aug-14 11:41:54

Plump - I'd agree with you for a wedding. Over the years I've been to a few weddings where I've not known people (other than B or G, obviously - well, I've been to a couple with dh where I've not known either) but a hen night isn't usually the chance to sit and chat and get to know people / make new friends.
Now, we don't know exactly what is planned, but from this bit in the OP Only wanted a dinner/drinks in the interest of keeping cost down for people but she twisted my arm and its for one night, and within 40 miles of everyone it would suggest it's not going to be sitting round a table in a restaurant, or going out for afternoon tea, or a drink in the local pub. It sounds like more of "an event".
Some people find this difficult - friend is already going to the wedding without knowing hardly anyone, and it could be quite a 'thing' for her. I consider myself quite outgoing, socially confident etc., and would be happy to go to wedding, or go for a meal or a drink, but that's as far as it goes. 'Activities' or games on a hen weekend would be bad enough if it were with a load of friends, but not a lot of fun when you are with strangers.

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived Wed 27-Aug-14 13:00:07

I love meeting new people and very sociable. But I hate enforced fun, compulsory joining in and 'amusing' games. Over the years I have concluded it is best to decline politely. If ut ia this type of do and your friend feels the same as me, would you really want her to force herself to come.

But then I am old fashioned and don't get big hen dos.

PlumpPartridge Wed 27-Aug-14 13:06:46

To backtrack slightly, I think there are ways to decline which soften the blow. If a friend said 'I'm sorry, but I won't be able to come to your thingy because the idea makes me really nervous. I'd much rather celebrate with you some other way - maybe we could meet up and go shopping, have a coffee etc?' then I think I'd be touched by the fact that they wanted to make me happy and I'd be ok about them missing my big do.

It's all about knowing we're cared for, I guess. If you're secure in the knowledge that you're important to someone, you don't mind so much if they miss stuff. If they routinely give the impression that they don't care much, you tend to be less forgiving (or I do anyway).

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived Wed 27-Aug-14 13:25:16

I guess I don't get when a hen do became something you have to soften the blow of not attending - like a wedding or something. As opposed to a voluntary piss up for them yhat fancy it.

BackforGood Wed 27-Aug-14 14:04:17

Quite, Penguin

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 14:35:05

I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous

Disingenuous maybe, but a bloody nice thing to do! Will you really not do that for the sake of your friendship? After it's much easier to do that than for your friend to suffer a night away in the company of a bunch of people she doesn't know.

I am honestly struggling to see what she has done wrong here.

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 14:36:33

After ALL it's much easier....

chipshop Wed 27-Aug-14 14:43:14

I went to my DF's hen do recently, a weekend away, I knew no-one but the bride-to-be and it was absolutely fine. I went because she's a good friend who's been lovely to me over the years and I thought it was the right thing to do. I can understand why you're disappointed because I think it's lame for her not to come. She should put you first IMO. That's the kind of friends I cultivate.

Clearly I'm in the minority!

Fairywhitebear Wed 27-Aug-14 14:47:15

My mate organised a baby shower (shudder) for me as a surprise.

Whilst the thought was lovely, it was the most excruitiating thing ever. 8 girlfriends in the same room, most of whom didn't know each other. Some of whom made no effort to mingle. Individually, I have plenty of time for each and every one of them. Truly awful.

I would imagine going to a hen do where you know no one is exactly like this! Not surprised she doesn't want to go. Really, does it matter?

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 14:50:48

That's the kind of friends I cultivate

Equally valid to cultivate the kind of friends who will understand when something is going to be an ordeal for you. And throw things like 'I am allowing her a plus one at my wedding' in her face (big whoop). Not too sure why the friend should put the OP first any more than the OP is (not) putting her first. OP will after all be surrounded by other mates.

KanyeBeArsed Wed 27-Aug-14 14:51:50

And NOT throw things.... Jayziz wept. Proof read Kanye!

adsy Wed 27-Aug-14 14:57:39

* I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous*
No, that would be the nice thing to do.
Why have you invited this woman when you obviously dislike her so much or do you treat all your "friends" so callously?

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived Wed 27-Aug-14 14:57:43

I try to cultivate the kind of friends who would rescue me if me car broke down, cheer me up if I got made redundant, brought me a casserole when I had a new baby...and of course I would do it for them.

Isn't that the value of friendship? Not whether someone wants to get pissed with a bunch of strangers (and did I see mention of shared rooms. shudder)

daphnehoneybutt Wed 27-Aug-14 15:02:56

Hmmm If I was her I would use the hen as an opportunity to meet people before the wedding so you have something to make small talk about on the day...

Really though OP its better she doesn't come than turns up and acts weird and miserable cos she doesn't know anyone!

tittifilarious Wed 27-Aug-14 15:08:02

KayakJo
Appreciate all the responses. I won't text her and tell her it's fine and i understand, because that would be disingenuous.

You want your friend to do something she doesn't want to do just because you're getting married? <cough> Bridezilla <cough>

temporaryusername Wed 27-Aug-14 15:10:30

You say you have done things for her with no expectation of anything in return, but you sound quite resentful of having had to do them. I do understand being upset, but I think I would have called her and reassured her about coming. At least then you would have spoken and picked up on anything in her tone that was relevant.

I was invited to a hen weekend where I only really knew the bride, and she also invited a friend of mine along (whom she had met but didn't really know). However, my friend couldn't make it, but I still went.

I do think it is a bit off to go or not go just based on whether she thinks she'll have a good time. I might get flamed for that, but if you have done a lot for her and she knows you'd like her there, she could make the effort. If she is shy or anxious that would be different.

On the whole though you do sound quite unreasonable and angry. If you're not a bridezilla, you're on the way to becoming one. Allowing her a plus one is not something you should be emphasising as a huge sacrifice on your part!!! I wouldn't be surprised if she has picked up some negativity from you.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:17:06

Sorry to disappoint but I am lucky to have fantastic, meaningful friendships about people I care very much about.

Said friend is selfish, i'm coming to realise. Like I said, she is 'take take take' and i have wised up to this.

Sometimes the advice on here is totally impractical - why would you text someone a slushy message about understanding when she has no idea she's not coming to it? As it happens, I had to ask her if she was coming to the wedding because hers was the only rsvp slip we hadn't received (received invitation 4 months before deadline), that's how I found out she was bringing her mate. That p1ssed me off.

I gratefully received your suggestions and opinions, really I did. But I just don't feel bad about this despite from what i've noticed - people on MN generally hate weddings.

I for one love celebrating my friends' happiness.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:20:12

Thanks temporary - honestly, there is not a chance she has picked up any hostility on my part. None at all. I often find with our conversations that it is 75% about her.

I haven't ever begrudged doing anything for her until recently.

I wouldn't want to go into details as they are very specific.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:21:32

re-read my earlier message - she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming. She hasn't contacted me about it.

MyFairyKing Wed 27-Aug-14 15:26:40

You obviously don't like her, so why are you bothered? Phase her out.

temporaryusername Wed 27-Aug-14 15:28:36

'she isn't aware that I don't know she will not be coming'

Sorry, I haven't had enough sleep to decipher that wink

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 15:31:30

Temporary, basically, I dont think she is aware my friend has told me she wont be coming to the hen do.

She certainly hasn't contacted me to tell me she wont be coming and it is clear that it is an intimate list of valued people.

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 15:45:07

It pissed you off that she didn't RSVP to the wedding invitation until after the deadline, or it pissed you off that she's bringing someone?? confused

KoalaDownUnder Wed 27-Aug-14 15:50:40

Also, why do you think she should have contacted you regarding the hen's night? Surely the invitation came from your friend who is organising said night, and that's who she RSVPd to? I don't get what she's supposed to have done wrong here!

BackforGood Wed 27-Aug-14 16:10:42

Agree with Koala - surely she should reply to whoever sent the invitation.

Also agree very much with Penguin's description of a friend who would rescue me if me car broke down, cheer me up if I got made redundant, brought me a casserole when I had a new baby. I have lots of friends who are very good friends, despite the fact we don't share the same idea of a night out or weekend away. I can still be friends with them, just because their idea of a good night out might be my idea of hell. Neither of us would expect the other to do something they didn't want to if it would make them uncomfortable. YOu just don't need friends to do that.

Since when did an extravagant hen night constitute part of the wedding ? confused - IME, it's always been just an excuse for young people who like that sort of night anyway, to have another night out, not something at which attendance measures how much you like the bride.
I have 2 SiLs - both of whom I like very much, and get on with very well, but I didn't go on either of their hen nights.

crje Wed 27-Aug-14 16:10:43

Be careful what you push for.
I didn't want to go to my good friends hen. I was guilted into going and really resented it.
We are not as close now.
Be a grown up and don't push .

She's coming to your wedding, so she clearly does care about "celebrating her friends' happiness".

You admit that this isn't the hen do you really wanted because of the cost etc - if it'd been a meal as you'd envisaged it would've been easier for those that don't know anyone. An overnight trip with people you don't know sounds like quite an expensive weekend of awkward boredom to me.

If she's such a crap friend why do you care so much that she isn't coming?

diddl Wed 27-Aug-14 18:30:15

Is she only going to the wedding because she's bringing a friend though?

If so, she's only celebrating Ops marriage on her terms!

SierpinskiNumber Wed 27-Aug-14 19:12:51

You begrudge doing things for her, you think she is selfish and you don't like the way she is 'take, take take' however you are not going to say anything to her because it would be disingenuous confused hmm

You are also pissed off with her for inviting a friend which is fair enough
It sounds like this 'friendship' is doomed.

KayakJo Wed 27-Aug-14 19:23:32

I begrudge doing things for her lately, not previously. I have gladly done endless things for her, willingly and without any resentment whatsoever. She has an extremely good job, but when she moved to London i happily put her up, for 2 months, cooked for her every night as did my boyfriend.

Diddl that is a little how i feel, but not entirely. She will not have to spend a penny all day and night which she knows. I am implying nothing by this other than the fact that it should be a fun day for her with her mate.

Bearbehind Wed 27-Aug-14 19:29:35

The more you post OP, the more bridezilla and divaesque you sound.

Sorry to disappoint but I am lucky to have fantastic, meaningful friendships about people I care very much about.

What gave you the impression anyone would be disappointed by your 'fantastic' friends? hmm

You do sound pretty high maintenance and it seems that you are keeping score on your friendships in order to ensure you get out what you put in.

She doesn't want to go to your hen do on her own- you don't want her to bring anyone else so you have a stalemate - she's no more unreasonable than you are.

Dumpylump Wed 27-Aug-14 20:02:02

I understand why you're disappointed op, I really do....but, on the other hand, I've been in your friends position too.
I went to an overnight hen do where I knew only the bride. The train journey where everyone started drinking at 10 am - I managed to join in (a bit), the show in the afternoon - was great, the everybody having a laugh getting ready together in the hotel - not so much, because I was in a room on my own and nobody told me they were all getting ready together just along the corridor, and the fancy dress theme that they all appeared in when it was time to go for the meal - well first I knew of it was when they all trooped out of the lift! The limo driver looked me up and down and said "I take it you didn't get the email love?"
I'm not suggesting your hen night would be like that at all, but perhaps that's what your friend is imagining, and I must admit, I will never ever go on another hen do where I only know the bride. I am so old now that it's unlikely anyway

Didyouevah Wed 27-Aug-14 20:14:06

I was guilted into going to a hen do to make up numbers. It was a fucking disaster.

Expensive and awful.

Be pleased you won't be "that bride" wink

hormonalandneedingcheese Wed 27-Aug-14 21:56:11

OP if she has a habit of not bothering with you and she takes without giving anything in the friendship then why bother even inviting her?

I'd be pissed off too if a friend didn't RSVP to a wedding, had to be chased and then stated they'd be bringing someone- inviting someone who isn't on an invite is a big faux paux and so very rude and entitled.

I don't think you sound bridezilla, I think you sound like someone who has finally realised her 'friend' is actually a user but you are confusing the hen do issue with everything else when really it's just the last nail in the coffin.

Had you omitted the hen do issue and just asked 'AIBU to feel fucked off and like my friend s using me? I do everything for her, she never others with me and when I invite her to my wedding, she invited someone else and I had to chase her to even find out' then I expect you would have plenty of 'LTB'

I actually think YANBU OP, I think she's being rude. I wouldn't want someone at my wedding you didn't give enough of a shit to make any effort for my hen do after I'd done a lot for them.

Then again, I'm rather childish grin

Actually, fuck that, it's childish to not go somewhere you're invited because you don't know anyone.
My little sister accompanied me everywhere when we were little because I was shy but very bossy

The amount of dire parties and nights out I've attended for a dear friend are countless, I dislike her friends and even managed to not look like a mardy cow the whole time.

And trying to wrangle an invite for someone's wedding or hen do is brass necky.

KoalaDownUnder Thu 28-Aug-14 12:18:27

Actually, fuck that, it's childish to not go somewhere you're invited because you don't know anyone.

Not if it's an overnight stay in a hotel, it isn't. That's quite a chunk of time (and money) for something not very relaxing unless you're a really extroverted person.

I might agree with you if it was just a night out.

monkeymamma Thu 28-Aug-14 14:22:39

Sometimes I don't understand MN at all! I don't think YABU in the slightest OP, what a shit excuse.
The OP is not forcing anyone to come - just upset at such a lousy reason. If for whatever reason the friend can't face this event, she could give another, better reason.
And what's all this she doesn't know anyone? She knows the bride ffs!

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