to want the mother of my child to email me a response?

(219 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:43:29

I became a Dad to a beautiful boy last August. although the situation is not how i planned, i am proud to have become a father even though my visits are limited to once a month. He was changed my life for the better.

I need to explain that she is in the Midlands and i am in east Anglia, i was living in the same city as her but moved away before she became pregnant (still meeting up)

Me and his mother were FWB. We got pregnant and i told her i did not want a relationship but would support my son. We agreed to raise him together as friends.

soon after his birth things went south. Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

1) double barrelled surname (agreed then changed her mind)
2) visiting his grandparents (as above)
3) allowing me time alone with him (as above)
4) getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

as well as not keeping her promise she is also starting to say some very nasty things to me. not only are the totally untrue (and can be proven with text messages) It's quite obvious that she is trying to become an obstacle between me and my sons relationship.

last week i asked for her email address. I informed her that i will be sending her emails with all these requests i have made and that she can reply in her own time.

in my opinion this is the only way that i can get cast iron evidence that i am trying to make the effort and she is not letting me.

she has refused to do this.

i made the decision last week to find work and move back to the same city as her with the intention of taking a hands on role in my sons life. It wont happen overnight i know that.

So my question is .........

Am i being unreasonable to ask my childs mother to email me a response to my requests?

would you be receptive to the idea?

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

have i opened up a can of worms?

any advice would be much appreciated.

Eric

ApocalypseThen Sun 24-Aug-14 16:50:31

Why do you think your parenting relationship has broken down to this degree? Honestly, now, not because she's crazy but you're brillant and great?

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 16:51:07

No you aren't unreasonable to want a relationship with your child, of course you're not, but it sounds like she doesn't want that, so you are probably going to have to go to court for them to formalise arrangements.

Are you on the birth certificate? Are you paying maintenance?

tbh, you really need to focus on reasonable access and building a relationship with your son and put your list of demands to one side. Tackle what's most important - regular visits with your child and building up a loving relationship with him. Don't get into fights about other stuff, that's just going to end up with you and her both digging your heels in and the person who will suffer is your child.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:53:39

Honestly? .......I think she is hurt. I think she wanted to be with me but i did not.

Was that a genuine reply? or are you assuming it's all my fault because i'm a man?

Shakirasma Sun 24-Aug-14 16:56:09

Blimey OP, that was a very defensive reply to a simple but important question!

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:56:17

@vitalstatistix - thank you for a response.

my name is on the birth cert.

i pay maintenance

with the exception of 5 days, all my annual leave has been used up visiting my son. she was not happy i used 5 days going to a festival.

LadyLuck10 Sun 24-Aug-14 16:56:21

I think you should get legal advice and take it from there. It might be that she is bitter about your relationship not turning into more and using your son to get at you. In any case yanbu in wanting a relationship with him.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:57:41

@shakirasma -i do apologise, my message was intended for apocalypsethen

would you consider there reply constructive and helpful?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 16:58:41

thanks for the response

ApocalypseThen Sun 24-Aug-14 16:59:39

Are you as quick to jump to huffy offense with her? It's nothing to do with being a man, and I suggest that if you're looking for advice from women, you drop that touchiness fairly smart.

The reason I asked is that people in disputes are always quick to explain how hard done by they are, but less anxious to be honest about how they contribute to the situation.

But since you think this is all down to an unrequited passion for you, I guess you don't think you have any role.

JanineStHubbins Sun 24-Aug-14 17:00:55

Have you posted about this before OP? The issue about the festival sounds familiar.

finallydelurking Sun 24-Aug-14 17:01:35

If she allowed you to have your name on the birth certificate what has gone wrong since then?

1) and 4) on your list, don't go there.

Why is she not allowing 2) and 3) is she still BFing?

If you're not able to come to an amicable agreement, you do need to seek legal advice.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:04:03

i have reported your first post pal. It was neither constructive or helpful in anyway.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:05:07

no mate, first time poster.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:05:30

maybe me and the other chap were skanking together at the same festival?

You need to stop tutting about with backwards and forwards and wanting emails and get a solicitor on the case ASAP. Much better way of proving your intentions than a bunch if emails 17 years down the line.

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:08:13

I'm can't possibly imagine why the mother of your child is being "difficult"?!?!

Sorry for typos. Huge banging headache. Awaiting relief from huge amount of painkillers!

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:08:39

thanks for the response

cruikshank Sun 24-Aug-14 17:08:50

Why did you move away? Unless you were kidnapped, I can see why she'd feel pissed off at being left alone to bring up your child, which probably has quite a lot to do with things not being amicable.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:10:25

@spartak - could you please explain.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:11:32

I moved back home due to losing my job. she new i had no intentions of moving back permanently but would visit once a month.

this was 6 months before she got pregnant.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:11:40

Well to answer your question, you are not unreasonable to want a response to your email but equally she is under no obligation to respond.

If communication has broken down between you I think you will have to seek legal advice.

FrontForward Sun 24-Aug-14 17:13:29

genericeric i have reported your first post pal. It was neither constructive or helpful in anyway.

Seriously?

slithytove Sun 24-Aug-14 17:13:55

I'm guessing because he didn't have a crystal ball cruikshank

needanew Sun 24-Aug-14 17:15:55

exactly what i was thinking spartak .

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:17:20

OP I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to 'Relationships'.

AIBU is for canvassing opinion, rather than advice so you need to be prepared for some people telling you, yes, you are being unreasonable. You might not like that.

Littleturkish Sun 24-Aug-14 17:17:21

What do you think she would say was the reason for it going wrong?

I wouldn't be impressed with my partner going to a music festival for give days after I'd had a baby- has she had similar time to herself? I doubt it.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:18:18

They are not partners though Little

cruikshank Sun 24-Aug-14 17:19:18

Well, I for one can't think why she'd be less than receptive to demands from you, given that she's only spent 345 days this past year raising, caring for and bringing up your child, compared to the 20 you've put in.

Go to a solicitor. Get things sorted out legally.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:35

sorry guys i need to explain in more detail i think .....

communication has not completely broken down. we are still in text contact regarding when i come to visit.

in the past i have asked her to come with me to visit my parents. they run two businesses and keep livestock. they have not spent a night away from home for 15 years. it is a lot easier for my son and her to visit us than it is to visit them (she works in a school, term time only) also i have elderly relatives who cannot make the journey who would like to meet him as well as close friends.

my parents have a large house with enough room for everyone. we would have to stay at a hotel to visit him.

her reasons for not visiting are as follows:

1) he's my son, not yours
2) he cant be sat in a car for that long (3 hours)
3) i cant be bothered
4) the ambulance will take to long to come if something happens to him (my favourite)
5) you just want to show him off to your family
6) you're being cruel wanting him to come down
7) you'll confuse him
8) i dont care what you want

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:58

Because you are coming over as huffy, offended and entitled. Reporting a post because you don't agree makes you appear like a nob.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:21:54

She doesn't have to give a reason. Her answer is no. If you to take him to your parents you will have to agree it through the courts.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:06

How did you manage to get pregnant?

That's a first for medical science.

And if you didn't want her to get pregnant, why weren't you using a condom?

If you are already contacting her how are you doing it? Mobile? Surely you can keep a text message the same as an email?

Also, "would it be ok if" "do you mind if" "could you possibly" "I informed her". Out of the four choices, three are conciliatory and sound like someone trying to make an effort to work together and one makes you sound like a dick. Like to guess which one?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:27

Do you communicate with your ex in the same way you have on here? That may explain a lot.

It looks like you want to communicate via email for some type of long term alienation plan and that's a bit odd to say the least and low.

As a general rule I tend to prefer to communicate in writing but I've seen the results when one parent is setting out with the long term goal of proving they are being reasonable to the child and they tend to be pointless comunications and often have little or no relation to the actual events.

Get legal advice the child has a right to a relationship with you and that is the most important bit. Then just take everything forward from that.

On your list point number 1. I would always suggest to a unmarried mother using her own surname exclusively when naming her child unless she didn't give 2 hoots about stuff like that.

2. What are the complications with grandparent visits? Is she preventing your parents from visiting her house?

3. Legal advice

4. What's the issue and what will be achieved by making it one?

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:22:42

Maybe she doesn't want to spend 6 hours sat in a car with you?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:25:11

I wouldn't go and visit my ex's parents and stay in their house if you paid me a million pounds. They want to see him, then they have to make the effort. If they want to see him they will.

6 hours in the car with you and two days with them and you sounds like my idea of hell on wheels

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:25:44

How did you manage to get pregnant?

They were FWB.

That's a first for medical science.

Not really.

And if you didn't want her to get pregnant, why weren't you using a condom?

Where has he said he didn't want her to get pregnant. He's not complaining about having a child, just that it's complicated to make arrangements.

A lot of assumptions going on here hmm

Terrierterror Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:07

6 hours in a car with a baby to visit people because they can't be expected to leave their house to see their grandchild.

PasswordProtected Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:20

FWB, so you were both using contraception?

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 17:26:27

YANBU but it's not really about being reasonable or unreasonable. tbf that mindset will only get you both more entrenched in your positions. By all means move back to the same city and go to see a solicitor. The latter is the best way to ensure she receives and responds to your communications.

If you're loathe to use a solicitor then do you have a very trusted friend who you both like and respect that could act as go-between?

Emotions are obviously running high between you both so I'd ease off on being quite so adversarial and on thinking of storing up ammunition to show your DS when he is 17. Feeling upset may be understandable but storing emails sounds like point scoring rather than focusing on your DS' welfare.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:07

The OP says "we got pregnant" - no, they didn't. His ex FWB got pregnant.

PossumPoo Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:13

OP you are getting a hard time here. Your FWB does sound pissed off that you didn't do a relationship once you found out she was pregnant. She might feel abandoned by you and probably a bit trapped.

Definitely get a legal advice, unfortunately it seems like it might be the only way you'll get to see your DS.

Little did you actually read the OP? confused

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:27:47

OP you really, really need to see this from her perspective. Imagine the HUGE implications that the birth of your child has had on her life. Every single minute of her life - emotionally, physically and financially.

*Add message | Report | Message poster Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:20:58
Because you are coming over as huffy, offended and entitled. Reporting a post because you don't agree makes you appear like a nob*

This- exactly.

NigellasPeeler Sun 24-Aug-14 17:28:24

so you want to communicate by email so that in 18 years time you can show them to the child to prove that you tried your very best to see him? and that it was his evil mother that blocked it?
might it not a bit late by then?
sorry I might be a bit biased as this is the kind of crap my ex comes out with.
and why on earth would she want to stay at your parents' remote house in order to facilitate your wishes?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:29:18

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:29:22

The OP says "we got pregnant" - no, they didn't. His ex FWB got pregnant.

What's your point?

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:30:13

No. She has a responsibility towards her child and herself.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:30:41

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

I agree with others that this statement is very, very telling about your approach. Your priority should always be your child's welfare. Make it your goal that they have the very best relationship they can with their mother, as well as with you. Don't focus on your child being an adult and therefore easier to parent. Focus on now.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:30:51

Just that if they both got pregnant, Fairenuff, it's a medical miracle. confused

OP she doesn't have any responsibility to your side of the family. Your son has a right to a relationship with you, and you should go to court and get proper arrangements in place.

Are you on the birth certificate?

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:31:04

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

No. She absolutely does not have a responsibility to you or your family. That is a fact.

Seriously, get legal advice.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sun 24-Aug-14 17:31:19

She may be unreasonable, but we don't have her side of things to fairly judge.

We can judge on your manner and attitude on how you are posting however, and you sound a bit of a dick to me. I suspect you are rubbing her up the wrong way and she is probably knackered, sleep deprived, and pissed off. You need to make requests nicely from someone bringing up a baby all alone without anyone to help share the night wake ups etc.

Also, she may have agreed stuff before birth not knowing how she would feel about it when her child was really here. I was adamant my child would be left in crèche while I went to the gym and with grandparents while I did my sport. Didn't happen and I have even now only left her for work at 3 yo, and now have dd2 10 months who I have never left....

NigellasPeeler Sun 24-Aug-14 17:31:33

"does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?"

well not me anyway = weren't you sprauncing around at a festival when you could have been spending time with your son?

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:31:38

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

I think she probably has enough responsibilities on the go at the moment.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:32:21

Oh, I don't think he meant that, math, I just think he was trying to show that he was as responsible as her for the unplanned pregnancy.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:33:08

thank you for standing up for me fairenuff.

because he is my son and has the right to know about his family and culture?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:33:36

Fairenuff - ah I see. I read it as diminishing of the role of his exFWB in the pregnancy.

TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo Sun 24-Aug-14 17:33:56

Surely both parents have a right to spend time with this child as well as their families? How is the child going to feel knowing that he didn't have a relationship with his paternal family because two adults couldn't manage to be reasonable with each other?

OP, keep the attitude in check when communicating with her. Cut her some slack. But equally, she has to facilitate you and your family having contact in a way that is best for the child.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:34:23

FYI - she lives with her parents.

She's basically a lone parent, looking after a child 24/7 except when she's in work, earning money to support said child. Her life will be exceptionally busy, and probably quite stressful. I know you'll be paying maintenance, but the reality is that she'll be paying more for his upkeep than you.

You see your child once a month and are griping about making the effort to go there, rather than expecting her to come to your family.

You can't work out why she's being "difficult".

Really?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:34:53

OP that's for you to do, not her.

She has absolutely no responsibility to your wider family. thank fuck because my ex's family are a shower of wankers If you want your son to know about your family and culture then you have to get that happening.

Are you on the birth certificate? Have you seen a solicitor previously?

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 17:34:55

I'd have this moved to relationships op. Aibu tends to be a place for debates, venting and slagging matches, I don't think you'll get far here.
grin

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:34:55

cheers pal

Goldmandra Sun 24-Aug-14 17:35:47

Apocalypse is right.

The key to you having a relaxed, healthy relationship with your DS is working out what the underlying problem is.

You say she is trying to obstruct your relationship but you also say that she wasn't happy that you didn't use all your annual leave visiting him. This therefore isn't necessarily just about her wanting you out of his life. Her excuses for not wanting to bring him to meet his family are not reasonable but they aren't the real reasons are they? Are they are excuses to justify not wanting to be around you or your family? Why does she feel the need to do that?

How would she feel if she did bring him to meet your family and friends? Staying with people she doesn't know and being dragged from house to house while the baby is paraded in front of numerous friends and relatives doesn't sound like much fun to me.

You need to be honest with yourself about whether your behaviour has contributed to the situation and, if so, make amends or explain how you propose to change things for the better. You can go to court and have contact set in stone and you may come to an agreement beforehand through mediation which would be slightly better but the best situation for your DS is you two working it out between you.

At the moment you are trying to collate evidence against her and making plans to poison her DS against her with it in 17 years time. That isn't the best attitude to have if you want to work in partnership with her.

What can you do to turn this around and help her to recognise her DS's right to have contact with his father and build relationships with the rest of the family?

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family

No. Contact is about the child's rights to have relationships with his family. She does have a responsibility to enable him to do that as long as it is in his best interests.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:36:15

are you all meeting in real life any time soon?

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Aug-14 17:36:26

I think you need to work on establishing a routine so that you and your son can have a relationship before trying to sort things with the grandparents.

Why do you only see him once a month? Is that your choice, her choice, or do circumstances dictate that it is impossible to see him more?

I can see why, assuming the baby is only a year old, she doesn't want to send her child off with someone who's spent a grand total of twenty days with him. I can also see why she doesn't want to stop at your grandparents house - i wouldn't want to stop at an ex's parents, even if I wasn't in a 'proper' relationship.

Scrap 1 and 4. You're unlikely to get anywhere and just create more animosity.

Spending time alone with you is a bit of a tough one - do you mean overnight, or a few hours? certainly whilst I'm sure all you want is to spend as much time as possible with your son, it probably isn't in his best interests to take him away from mum if he doesn't know you that well, particularly overnight. Would she be amenable for you taking him for a walk, then increasing the time spent 'on your own'. Of course you have a right to see him without her being present, assuming there is no history of abuse etc.

Finally, I would recommend you speaking to a solicitor.

Just a point - it seems to be YOU emailing her making demands. The tone of your posts comes across as, well, snarky and quite patronising, and if I received an email in similar tones, I can't see it going well.

Have you tried asking your sons mother how she wants things to progress, it may open up communication between the two of you a bit better than making demands.

Good luck!

cruikshank Sun 24-Aug-14 17:36:30

I agree that all this talk of showing emails to a 17 year old is a bit fucking weak. Concentrate on the baby as he is now, and take steps to play an active part in his life - it sounds as if that's quite enough to be going on with, given that you don't appear to be handling even that. Worry about what he thinks of you aged 17 when he is 17.

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 17:37:34

With the best will in the world - it doesn't matter what we think because we aren't her.

Supposing we all said yes, we think she has a responsibility... what would that matter? Really? You can hardly say that you consulted women on the internet so now she has to do x, y, z.

You are the father of a child. You have responsibilities and the child has the right to a relationship with you. If you are being denied that, then you need to go to court and have everything formalised. And pursue it legally further if she does not comply.

but while the baby is little, you are going to have to accept that you will have to go there. That's just often the way it is with small babies. Your family may have to travel in the short term, or make do with skype or photos or videos, as many do.

My children are 14 and 15 and only met most of their father (my husband) family for the first time last month. They live in kenya. The relationship has mostly been virtual.

You have to do the best with what's available.

You are going to have to pick your battles.

Just make sure you see your son. Make sure you are a good presence in his life and one he deserves. Everything else can be sorted later.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 24-Aug-14 17:37:46

She has no responsibility or obligations whatsoever to you or your family and neither have they any rights over her or her son.
You have an obligation to contribute towards his financial support.

If they want to see him they should make the effort to visit.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:38:01

if anyone would like to have a conversation with me about this over the phone i would happily give you my number so you can hear that i have my sons best intentions at heart.

any takers?

sashh Sun 24-Aug-14 17:38:31

Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

Then you say

getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

How did you agree on this if you 'refused'?

it is a lot easier for my son and her to visit us than it is to visit them

For who? Certainly not for her. As for it being 3 hours away, what soet of grandparent doesn't make that trip before their gc is 1?

I have to say I have a lot of sympathy with her not wanting to take a baby on a 3 hour journey to stay at her ex's parents place. And if you can't see why that might be difficult you need to do some serious thinking.

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 17:39:02

I get nervous about posting on AIBU in fear of keyboard bashing abuse for various reasons, you op are a brave man
Good luck! grin

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 17:39:45

no thanks.

I don't think that is encouraged tbh. You are likely going to have the thread reported for that.

It is not wise to give out your number to strangers. You don't know us and we don't know you.

You would be better served phoning a solicitor or the CAB as you can be assured that they will be able to give you accurate advice.

Castlemilk Sun 24-Aug-14 17:39:46

Yes to the above.

'Every single minute of her life - emotionally, physically and financially'.

I don't think you are really appreciating that. And as others have said, whether you like to hear this or not, the fact is that if you speak to her in the tone you've taken here, I would also have told you exactly where to go.

It's obviously good that you are paying maintenance. But you do realise that that committment/effort is a drop in the ocean compared to actually having a baby? Having them with you, every day, all the time? I'm sorry, but 'raising him together' and 'no intentions of moving back permanently but would visit once a month' are utterly incompatible sentences.

You are not raising him together. There is no way on earth that I would double-barrel my child's surname with that of a father who intended to visit once a month and at the same time started making various rather pompous sounding demands regarding him.

I think what this is showing you - and I hope this thread will help - is that there is more than genetics and a monthly cheque involved before you can truly expect a child to be regarded as 'yours'. Here's my advice. Move back and start taking on some of the real burdens and committment involved in 'raising' a child. Slowly, dependably, and making it clear that you are making some effort to understand the massive upheaval she has gone through. Stop the 'my child' this and that - until she has seen you be inconvenienced, spend time, go out of your way, basically be a parent - it really isn't your child in anything but name. Make part of that committment working on your attitude towards her, and tell her so. She's had this baby. She's been there with this baby every second of its life so far - a whole year. She won't have been able to do so much as eat a meal or go to the loo without considering his whereabouts and situation. Right now, it's her baby. Recognise that, because you will get absolutely nowhere by trying to bully her.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:39:48

It's not us you have to convince OP.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:40:14

Phone you? What on earth! Do you honestly think someone off the internet who you don't know from Adam is going to phone you so you can persuade them of how brilliant and amazing you are and what a waste of space your ex is?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:40:19

anyone?

zeezeek Sun 24-Aug-14 17:40:56

Unless, of course, she got pregnant on purpose in order to trap him into a relationship that he didn't want to be in and then got huffy when her plan didn't work - and is now using her son as a way of punishing her ex.....

Terrierterror Sun 24-Aug-14 17:41:11

1) You're not married/ in a relationship so she gets to choose.
2) You're not married/ in a relationship. She doesn't have to travel for hours with the baby to see your family.
3) You're not married/ in a relationship. If you want that you need to involve a solicitor.
4) you're not married/ in a relationship. Couples have to compromise but you're not a couple.

Things agreed before the birth look very different once you're faced with the reality of parenthood. The first year can push relationships to breaking point, and that's when the two people are sharing the responsibility of being constantly needed. sleepless nights and the general chaos. The fact that you expect her to transport a baby 3 hours in a car for the convenience of your parents suggests that you really don't have a clue.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sun 24-Aug-14 17:41:27

Why would we want to phone you FFs? To be honest that is still coming across as snarky - if you don't mean to be snarky then maybe you just don't come across well in text, and maybe you should consider phoning her instead as she may be reading tone wrong and so getting her back up?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:41:42

that's what i wanted to say but was afraid of saying ......

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:41:57

anyone?

FFS. I was really taken in by this.

Fairenuff Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:02

if anyone would like to have a conversation with me about this over the phone i would happily give you my number so you can hear that i have my sons best intentions at heart.

any takers?

Uh oh.

NigellasPeeler Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:04

why would you want a random woman on the internet to pay to talk to you?
that is seriously messed up

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:23

FFS.

You can't see what's wrong with pushing for women off the internet to phone you?

How old are you?

JanineStHubbins Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:32

Creepy.

Whereisegg Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:36

Why on earth are you bothered about speaking to strangers on the phone?!
If you want to do that, google solicitors close to you hmm

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 17:42:55

Unless, of course, she got pregnant on purpose in order to trap him into a relationship that he didn't want to be in and then got huffy when her plan didn't work - and is now using her son as a way of punishing her ex...

Yeah, she's showed him, right? She's really teaching him a lesson now isn't she?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Aug-14 17:43:27

You don't have any say over the baby's surname, nor should you be asking for any. Same with the christening. You are not a couple, she is the one bringing the child up, and you have moved away.
Don't start trying to set up some email trail proving you were trying to be a good Dad. Move nearer your son, pay a decent amount towards his keep, and stop making demands. If, once you have shown that you can be a reasonable person, she may well decide that you can have unsupervised contact. If not, get legal advice.
From her point of view, you have upped and left town, but are demanding you get a say in what happens with the child as an equal parent, right down to putting your parents apparent inability to leave the house before her unwillingness to travel 6 hours to take her baby to stay with strangers. Do you not see how that would be awkward?
It's bastard hard being a lone parent of a baby. Start with that premise.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:43:28

FYI. Most sex lines charge. A lot.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:43:40

i got a job on an electricians forum this way .....

im 29 for the record.

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Aug-14 17:44:02

Why she got pregnant is a moot point. If you had suspicions that she wanted more, you probably shouldn't have been shagging her. Or at the least, using a condom.

The baby is here now, and how you and his mother handle things will have an insurmountable impact on his life.

TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo Sun 24-Aug-14 17:44:09

Fuck sake. Grow Up and get a life. If you want to speak to random women then throw a dart at a phone book and dial.

Erm, why on earth would anyone want to call an anonymous bloke off the internet?

If you can't get across how you have your son's best intentions at heart in writing, then you should stop communicating in writing.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:44:35

I have reported this thread.

PPaka Sun 24-Aug-14 17:45:06

Bloody hell
The guy wants a relationship with his child
Give him a break

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sun 24-Aug-14 17:45:28

Good call reporting it

Castlemilk Sun 24-Aug-14 17:45:57

ohhhh riiiiight...

Let's hope you don't really have any poor 1 year old babies looking forward to a life with you as daddy, eh?

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Aug-14 17:46:00

OP, have you asked your ex how she sees things moving forward?

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 17:46:29

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

At a very basic level - imo she has a responsibility to her DS; she has a responsibility to facilitate his relationship with you. But, notice, it's not all about you; it is about what is best for your DS. It is your responsibility to facilitate your DS' relationship with your family.

I can see you're struggling because you think she is deliberately making it difficult for you to take DS to see your family but it really isn't her fault that they live so far away, that they can't leave their house and that she would need to stay with them.

You're confusing different issues. It's not that unusual or UR for a new mum to be reluctant to let her DC stay overnight without her and it's really not UR for an estranged partner to not want to stay with her ex and his family so yes it makes it difficult but she is not to blame. Perhaps one of your parents could travel down with you and the other stay at home to mind the business? If they are keen to have a relationship with your DS, they are going to have to make an effort too or wait until your DS is old enough to travel without his DM.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:46:34

Aye right. He wants a relationship with his child and the way to do that is get random women off the internet to phone him and he can tell them how fantabulous he is?

My shiny red arse.

Add message | Report | Message poster zeezeek Sun 24-Aug-14 17:40:56
Unless, of course, she got pregnant on purpose in order to trap him into a relationship that he didn't want to be in and then got huffy when her plan didn't work - and is now using her son as a way of punishing her ex.....

And he didn't wear a condom because...?

Goldmandra Sun 24-Aug-14 17:46:48

that's what i wanted to say but was afraid of saying ......

Even if the child is a failed attempt to draw you into a relationship, you still need to work out how you can work in partnership to bring him up. If you can't find a way to cooperate everyone's lives will be a lot harder. Stop looking for ways to prove that she is being unreasonable, throw your agenda in the bin and find some common ground to work from.

PPaka Sun 24-Aug-14 17:46:58

Reported it for what?

Terrierterror Sun 24-Aug-14 17:47:04

A troll means that there's not some poor sod with him as a father. That's a good thing, no?

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 17:47:09

I don't think that is encouraged tbh. You are likely going to have the thread reported for that

Too right! Me and Maths both, for starters

Spartak Sun 24-Aug-14 17:47:12

Maybe the OP is hoping to meet another FWB over the telephone?

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 17:47:31

ppaka, it appeared that way at first, now it seems like 29yr old fella me lad wants our phone numbers.

This is inappropriate of him.

crashbandicoot Sun 24-Aug-14 17:47:42

I think that it's understandable that your DPs would want to meet their DGC. it does seem a bit odd that neither of them have left home in 15 years (I am not a farmer though so I am not in a position to know if this is common though).

if it is only 3 hours drive then perhaps your parents could travel on separate days? An hopefully your Dc can visit when they are older.

It also seems that you and your DCs DCM need to have a talk about what is bothering her as she may be using your DC to get at you and perhaps she feels like all she has been to you is an 'incubator' rather than someone who you would consider having a relationship with. She is only human after all and she is perhaps grieving what ahem thought might be a future as part of a family set up.

If none of your atempts to make amends/support her don't win her round then unfortunately you have to go through the courts. and if you want a paper trail then you could send letters.

cruikshank Sun 24-Aug-14 17:48:01

Ffs. Google 'hot mature mamas by phone' or something if you need someone to talk to.

crashbandicoot Sun 24-Aug-14 17:48:04

I think that it's understandable that your DPs would want to meet their DGC. it does seem a bit odd that neither of them have left home in 15 years (I am not a farmer though so I am not in a position to know if this is common though).

if it is only 3 hours drive then perhaps your parents could travel on separate days? An hopefully your Dc can visit when they are older.

It also seems that you and your DCs DCM need to have a talk about what is bothering her as she may be using your DC to get at you and perhaps she feels like all she has been to you is an 'incubator' rather than someone who you would consider having a relationship with. She is only human after all and she is perhaps grieving what ahem thought might be a future as part of a family set up.

If none of your atempts to make amends/support her don't win her round then unfortunately you have to go through the courts. and if you want a paper trail then you could send letters.

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 17:50:12

Or men off the internet to phone him? What's being female got to do with it.
Either way, probably not the best idea make or female.

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 17:50:18

Reported it for what?

Do you really have to ask PPaka

slithytove Sun 24-Aug-14 17:50:25

Damn, I was sucked in

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:51:44

True Bam. But it's a female dominated forum. Fair guess odds are he's looking for a woman to phone him.

Viviennemary Sun 24-Aug-14 17:51:49

The whole relationship was based on unreasonableness. IMHO. But you have to take it from here. You should get legal advice re access to your child. I agree that she could be bitter that you did not move back to support her when she was pregnant and then after the birth of your child. Without knowing her side of the story it's impossible to say who is being reasonable and who isn't.

BOFster Sun 24-Aug-14 17:52:15

Blimey, you sound like hard work. There's an awful lot of wahwahwah in all your posts, so if your emails are at all similar, they are probably being auto-diverted to Trash.

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 17:52:43

He's gone to some crazy lengths in that case. He could have been a bit more clever about it all really. Strange!

LatteLoverLovesLattes Sun 24-Aug-14 17:54:12

The baby has a right to have a relationship with you, but your ex fwb does not have an obligation to facilitate that by traipsing the baby around the country to see you or them. God, can you even hear yourself? She should go to them, stay with them because they are 'too busy' to go and see their Grandson!? It would be a rare woman who didn't say 'fuck that for a game of soldiers!'. She doesn't have to give you any reason, she just has to say 'No, it's not happening'.

So you and they have to pay for a hotel? You should have thought about that before you got her pregnant. Condoms.

Of course she isn't going to let you have him unsupervised - he doesn't know you. He's seen you, what, 'once a month' for 12 months and maybe the occasional other day?! He's a BABY you have to build up a relationship with them. I'd think far less of her if she just handed the wee mite over once a month, he'd most likely be scared & upset.

Her baby, her surname. If you wanted a child to have your surname you should have had a relationship and got married. You get your FWB pregnant, she's entitled to use her surname.

Christening. Tough. If that's what she wants then that's what will happen. Nothing to stop you doing something culturally acceptable to you, as long as it doesn't harm the baby (ie not circumcision).

PPaka Sun 24-Aug-14 17:54:28

That's ridiculous- he got sarky cos everyone jumped on him

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 17:54:47

How did he go to crazy lengths?

Go to probably most famous biggest female dominated forum in the UK

Post a scenario.

Wait not even an hour.

Then post with request for women to take his number.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 17:54:48

Unless, of course, she got pregnant on purpose in order to trap him into a relationship that he didn't want to be in and then got huffy when her plan didn't work - and is now using her son as a way of punishing her ex

Is she really really stupid then? Surely if this was her master plan she would pick someone who was actually going to be a great dad from before day 1, and not someone who has presented themselves as the op has?

Usually absent dads who come out with shite like that don't tend to be quite the prizes they think they are.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Aug-14 17:58:59

I was just thinking that, Sock.
I remember when I got up the duff from ds's dad (a casual relationship) and one of his friends apparently questioned that the baby was even his. I pointed out that, had I been intending to trap a man into being with me, it would be someone with, you know, a job.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Aug-14 17:59:30

Men don't half flatter themselves.

Don't feed....

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 17:59:57

I have made many friends on forums (male and female)

I have no ulterior motive, just wanting advice.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:01:44

How come it took you a year to decide to move back to the city to play a more active role in your son's life?

Are you on the birth certificate?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:03:10

i was angry with her and the situation i find myself in.

yes i am

Goldmandra Sun 24-Aug-14 18:03:39

just wanting advice

Stop and think about that.

Do you want advice or do you just want someone to validate your point of view?

If you want advice, read back through the thread, filter out the responses from the posters who were wound up by your response to Apocalypse and listen to the messages in the constructive posts.

So far you don't seem to have listened to anything at all.

I think OP could be genuine but naive to protocol on here. OP. Maybe namechange.And repost in relationships. And try not to be as defensive.

This thread won't end well for you...

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 18:04:45

OP would you mind summarising the advice you've received so far?

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Aug-14 18:05:26

It sounds like you are both dealing with a lot of resentment and anger from the situation.

Whilst understandable to a degree, you and his mum need to work together for your son's sake - stop making demands, ask how she thinks things can progress, communicate with each other.

Nobody wins when two parents are at war, least of all the child.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:06:01

How do you think she feels?

If you are in text contact, why do you need an email address too? Can you understand that it may feel to her like yet another avenue to harrass her by?

Why have your parents not once in a year made the effort for the day to go and visit? Have you no family/friends/farmhands/relief milkers who could be coralled/paid to do the necessary for one day? If not, you should think of putting that in place as soon as you can, if not for the sake of your son then just for the sake of your parents. If some one or other of them took very unwell how would the businesses cope?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:06:15

maths he confirmed earlier that he is on the BC.

generic if you just wanted advice why post in such an abrasive hostile way, can you think of any reason why pretty much every person on the thread has either picked up on how you have communicated or urged you to rethink your approach and outlook?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:06:16

mate,

I’ve been as honest as i can and it's being thrown back in my face/ screen.

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Aug-14 18:07:40

And you do really need to contact a solicitor.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:07:58

She doesn't know your family that well - she couldn't you were FWB. You and she aren't getting on (clearly) and you think it's a good idea for her to do a 6 hour round trip and stay with you and your family whilst you schlep the baby round all the aged rellies?

Honestly? Can't you see that that is unfair?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:08:55

Your attitude on her sucks and has got right up my nose. (And others too)

If you're like that in RL then I'm not a bit surprised she's pissed off.

You might want to have a think about that.

BlackWings Sun 24-Aug-14 18:09:10

You're 'proud' of being a father? Hate to break it to you but popping in to see your child once a month does not a father make.
Expecting unsupervised access at this stage is unrealistic and unfair on the child, you're virtually a stranger to him and that would undoubtedly cause him distress.
Do you want to distress your child?
If you're serious about being a 'father' then you need to build up a relationship with him very gradually and most importantly prove to his mother you are trustworthy. At the moment you simply don't know your child and how to care for him.
Oh and probably best not to be disrespectful to his mother.
I would have blanked your list of demands email too. She is the one doing all the hard work, you're really not in a position to be making demands.
Try being reasonable and putting the interests of your child first. You might actually get somewhere.

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 18:09:25

mn is not that type of forum. Generally speaking, posters don't tend to reach out in that way. It isn't usual for someone to join, post for an hour and get phone numbers and off board rl contact. We have usernames and many of us protect our anonymity. Every site has its own way of working. On some sites people use their real names and stuff, and have much more rl/virtual crossover. MN is not like that for the most part. And certainly not instantly. If you haven't posted here before, you won't be aware of that. Most people prefer to remain anonymous and someone joining and attempting to get phone numbers is not the way things are normally done here, that is why many people are feeling uneasy about it.

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 18:09:31

tbf the OP has been given good advice. This thread only became odd when he felt the need to share his age, profession and then requested people phone him hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:09:36

This thread won't end well for you

That's not really very fair at all. It would be incredibly easy for the op to ensure this thread ends very well. Actually take on board what's being said be more honest with himself.

JanineStHubbins Sun 24-Aug-14 18:09:43

Stop calling posters 'mate' and 'pal', it comes across as aggressive and discourteous.

As other posters have said: Visit a solicitor, get an access agreement formalised and focus on your son NOW, not when he's 17.

I think it's odd for a man to offer his number to women too!

Vitalstatistix Sun 24-Aug-14 18:11:33

And I think you have already received good and appropriate advice which you can act upon if you choose. There is little to be gained by scrapping at this point.

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 18:11:58

As said, if he wanted to talk to women online sure there's sights for that kinda stuff whereby he wouldn't need make up/ share a lengthy personal problem regarding his son.
I wasn't having a dig.
Promise
grin
please don't launch an attack

Nomama Sun 24-Aug-14 18:12:24

That is a seriously antagonistic way of posting on a mostly female forum, pal, guys, mate!

Thanks for the giggle.

Should you be serious try rethinking your currently quite odious communication skills. You really MUST remember to modify your tone to suit your audience, or you will be soundly rebuffed on a monotonously regular basis.

Goldmandra Sun 24-Aug-14 18:12:31

I fear there is little hope for the OP. He is incapable of bringing down his shields enough to hear any of the advice offered.

No doubt someone will eventually say something he wants to hear and he will home in on that, declare himself vindicated and carry on his own sweet way.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:13:41

this is the way i write. It may come across as abrasive but it's not intended.

when we were FWB we would text every two weeks to arrange to meet in another couple of weeks. that was it.

I knew i never wanted to be with her but we enjoyed each others company. I never lead her on. I don’t do things like that (believe me or not) I was always straight down the line with her.

on one of my visits her friend was saying how was waiting until she was on holiday with her bf to tell him he was pregnant (on the phone in the other room) my sons mum thought it was a brilliant idea.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 18:15:14

OP would you mind summarising the advice you've received so far?

JanineStHubbins Sun 24-Aug-14 18:15:46

on one of my visits her friend was saying how was waiting until she was on holiday with her bf to tell him he was pregnant (on the phone in the other room) my sons mum thought it was a brilliant idea.

So?

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:16:13

Listen Eric, the obstacles in your way about having a relationship with your son have been put there by you.
You cannot expect to see a very small baby once a month then expect for the mother to hand him over for unsupervised visits. The reason you see him once a month is because you moved away from the city your son is in.
You are not there for your son, therefore you don't have a very good relationship with the mother of your son. Therefore she has no interest in doing what you want her to do as these things benefit you but put her out (going to stay in the middle of nowhere with her ex and his parents!).

If you want things to improve you're going to have to see your son more and actually be active in his life. If that is what you want.

gobbynorthernbird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:16:45

What has her friend got to do with anything?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:17:32

What has her friend and her friend's relationship with her boyfriend got to do with you and your Fuckbuddy's lack of relationship?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:17:45

on one of my visits her friend was saying how was waiting until she was on holiday with her bf to tell him he was pregnant (on the phone in the other room) my sons mum thought it was a brilliant idea

Do you mean your child's mother thought it was an idea to give you the news this way or is her agreeing with her friend an example of her unreasonableness?

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:19:12

I am completely lost now.
What does the friend telling her boyfriend she is pregnant have to do with anything?

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:19:15

What on earth has that got to do with this situation?!!confused

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:19:30

i personally think its bad as she thinks it's ok not to tell her bf about her pregnancy until they are miles from home and is put on the spot?

trapped?

should she not have told him the moment she found out? i truly dont know what your answer will be to that one but if it was me i would tell them asap.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:20:19

her mother also waited until she was on holiday with her husband before telling him about my son

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 18:20:54

Jeremy Kyle show?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:20:56

Your last post just says all I need to know. You think she trapped you.

Did you use condoms?

BlackWings Sun 24-Aug-14 18:20:57

Why are you blanking/not responding to all the advice you've been given and mentioning completely irrelevant facts that are nothing to do with your situation?
outta here hmm

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 18:21:23

Deletes post about how women should share the happy news of pregnancy

I think it'd be best to focus on you and your relationship with your child and their mother.

JanineStHubbins Sun 24-Aug-14 18:21:37

Ah, wise up OP. Who gives a fuck about the friend and the friend's boyfriend? It's NONE of your business whatsoever and has nothing to do with your situation.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 18:22:38

But Janine it's important evidence about how women trap poor menz.

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 18:23:36

You might be right about your FWB's friend, or it could be that she wanted to make it a romantic surprise. Or any one of a hundred other motives, not one of which has anything to do with you or indicates anything at all about your FWB's character.

Totally agree with maths

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Sun 24-Aug-14 18:23:38

Believe it or not for many people in happy relationships news of a baby is warmly received.

I personally couldn't hold good news in that long but I think surprising someone with news that we were about to become parents while on holiday could be lovely and romantic.

I think if you keep looking for reasons to think the worst of someone you will never have a productive relationship.

I'm glad you're moving back nearer to your son. Less of the emails now, less of the pointless arguments online with strangers. Just put your head down and muck in with the job of actually raising him. Everything will be fine.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:24:13

summary of advice:

change my communication with her to a more friendly tone

accept my relationship with my son will not be how i want it

CromerSutra Sun 24-Aug-14 18:24:16

I guess honestly she may be feeling that since you are not together it is easier to do it on her own. I'm not saying I agree with that just that it IS hard to really co parent when you live in different places. There's nothing wrong with your wanting this to be sorted and be fair.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Aug-14 18:24:54

Put on the spot?? Trapped?? Maybe the friend thought her BF would be happy, and she wanted to make an occasion of telling him?

Eric.
If you don't want the risk of getting a woman pregnant, don't fuck without contraception.
That's 1.
2. Believe it or not, it seems highly unlikely, given your obvious, er, difficulties communicating with humans, that your ex-FWB was trying to "trap" you, by getting pregnant.
Honestly.

LineRunner Sun 24-Aug-14 18:25:11

I don't understand OP why you reported a post?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:25:34

Did you use a condom?

Not read much of the advice then have you mate ?

LineRunner Sun 24-Aug-14 18:26:13

Sorry, on mobile site, I refreshed and was taken to first page.

CromerSutra Sun 24-Aug-14 18:26:13

Sorry, didn't realise the thread was this long and only read the first page . Hope you've received some helpful advice and that things improve Eric.

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:27:00

Don't be ridiculous. How can the location that he finds out he has impregnated somebody have a bearing on him being "trapped" or not.
And have we slipped into the 1960's? Trapped? Get a grip please. People who don't want to be "trapped" take responsibility for contraception.

Have you accused your buddy of trapping you? That would explain why she is not keen to see you.

Have you thought that your buddy's friend might want to tell her partner wonderful news in a happy and romantic setting?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Sun 24-Aug-14 18:27:21

op I would cut through all the crap and just go see a solicitor. Once it's been made final in court, it's out of her hands.

Regarding what you said about the emails. My brother did the same as his ex tried to cut him out as he remarried. Going through the courts was the best thing he did and he wished he had done it years earlier. Plus there will be a record for the courts too.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 24-Aug-14 18:27:32

No, you can have a relationship with your son. Make it about him not you. Be there, support his mum in ways she asks for, don't make demands. Don't be a big baby, that's his job.
Do this, and sooner or later, you will have a relationship with your son.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:27:58

she is allergic to latex and was on the pill.

i fully accept my responsibility in this situation, hence the term "we got pregnant"

please dont start with the whole "should have dommed up" shit coz ive been there and done it.

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 18:28:20

Well you've put it rather baldly Eric but it seems a reasonable summing up.

You surely cannot have a problem with the first bit?

Second might be a bit trickier, but I daresay this is not how your FWB saw her life panning out either. You have to make the best of what you have. It seems to me like you're determined to make things as bad as possible (planning to reveal all in 17 years' time, wtf is that all about?)

Still can't help thinking we've been had

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Sun 24-Aug-14 18:29:49

op why can't you have a good relationship with your son. Your ex doesn't own him. He deserves to have you both in his life.

Go see a solicitor, it really doesn't have to be this difficult. Also it will enable you to have access on your own in time.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:30:05

You can get latex free condoms. No excuse. Pal.

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:31:16

There are a hundred brands of non-latex condoms. It is your own stupid fault.

finallydelurking Sun 24-Aug-14 18:31:18

You can get latex free on ebay and amazon, when in a FWB situation pregnancy is not the main reason for using condoms! 29 you say........?

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:31:53

my biggest concern is that she will tell him things like his grandparents dont want to meet him and i only visited 6 times a year (she has already said i only visit once every 2 months when i clearly come up every month)

finallydelurking Sun 24-Aug-14 18:32:04

X-post, sorry blush

MommyBird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:32:06

My Dd was born in August last year.
She is 1 now.

No way in hell would i travel 3 hours in a car with her. It would be longer than 3 hours, dinner, nappy change and having a break from driving.
JUST to see my DDs grandparents who couldn't be bothered to make the effort.

It's easier for them. Not her and not for your son.

And no. She isn't responserible for your parents just like you arn't for hers.

Get legal advice.

Hurr1cane Sun 24-Aug-14 18:32:14

Oh my.

Well here is my tuppence worth

I have a DS with someone, he was a surprise, we were very young and broke up. He lives 20 minutes drive away.

His parents (DSs paternal grandparents) like to see DS. They drive to get him. If I drive to take him to see them, they give me petrol money because I'm on my arse paying for all DSs care needs.

His dad drives to pick him up and drop him off.

His dad pays maintenance.

If his dad wants to take DS to see his family miles away, he picks DS up and drives him there.

I don't really 'facilitate' contact other than just saying yes. They make all the effort. Because I'm already doing my bit, leaving my job and caring for DS 24/7 and spending all my money and time on him.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:32:43

You relationship with your son could be exactly how you want it to be if you are prepared to actually put the effort into it,work on building it up in a way thats for his benefit rather than your own. And stop relying on her to do your bidding.

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:32:50

You have not taken in any of the advice you have been given. Lots of it has been very good.
Your relationship with your son will not be as you want it to be because you see him once a month and then think it gives you the right to dictate what your ex does or doesn't do.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:33:14

trolls trolls everywhere

Roussette Sun 24-Aug-14 18:33:32

Don't go in all guns blazing with the mother of your boy. Take a step back, talk to her fairly, decently and without rancour. Ask her how she sees it working. Tell her how much you want to be involved in your son's life but you appreciate she is doing the lion's share. Try and fit in with her for now, until things settle down.

Then when things start to improve, work hard at building a friendly co-parenting relationship with your ex fwb and tell her you want to help and work together for the future of your son. Drop the angsty arsey bit for good, don't be negative and defensive, don't ask for the world but slowly show her that you do want to do the right thing.

Bambamboom Sun 24-Aug-14 18:33:48

She didn't have to have sex with him when she realised he doesn't carry latex free in his wallet.
just a thought
Not that it's relevant to OP at all now, bit late for considering various birth control methods

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Sun 24-Aug-14 18:34:05

op he won't remember what she was to him now . What he will remember is the regular visits that going to court will enable

KanyeBeArsed Sun 24-Aug-14 18:35:10

trolls trolls everywhere

Say what???? You should know the MN rules by bow: if you suspect trollery you should report it mate.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:35:15

When I had my kids their great-grandmother visited. She had to travel almost 2.5 hours and she was in her late eighties when DS was born.

By the time I had DD2 she was 91 and just out of hospital (two weeks) after a heart attack.

She still ripped me and my ex a new one for travelling to see her with such a small baby and the other kids.

Your parents are not showing themselves in a good light by the fact they haven't made any effort.

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:36:44

Also, why exactly can you only see your son once a month, did I miss that bit?

CecilyP Sun 24-Aug-14 18:38:03

Your parents might want to meet your son but obviously not enough to make any effort whatsoever to do so, so if your ex tells him the absolute truth, it doesn't show your parents in a very good light.

VeryStressedMum Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:11

Also, why exactly can't your parents see him apart from being farmers (I know lots of farmers they leave their farm), or did I miss that bit too?

Owllady Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:24

Just get legal advice and go through the proper channels.
If your parents have a farm then it's entirely understandable they can't leave their livestock but it's up to you to make the effort to facilitate this but in order to do that it seems you will need overnight access. So I suggest you seek legal advice
I'd stop communicating with each other tbh if all you do scanning one another

As for keeping emails letters to show your son. Please don't. The only person it hurts is him

UptheChimney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:39:50

with the exception of 5 days, all my annual leave has been used up visiting my son. she was not happy i used 5 days going to a festival

Whereas she is unlikely to have any break at all from being a parent. You need to realise the reality, not get all holier-than-thou about what a good father you are

MommyBird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:40:16

My MIL had my newborn..as in hours old DD1 taken to her house because she 'couldn't get to our house'
15 mins away.

We don't have anything to do with her anymore because she can't be arsed to put in any effort to see her grandchildren.

If your parents wanted to meet him. They would find a way.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:40:50

I'll repeat myself.

Why have your parents not once in a year made the effort for the day to go and visit? Have you no family/friends/farmhands/relief milkers who could be coralled/paid to do the necessary for one day? If not, you should think of putting that in place as soon as you can, if not for the sake of your son then just for the sake of your parents. If some one or other of them took very unwell how would the businesses cope?

BookABooSue Sun 24-Aug-14 18:41:57

Perhaps you've missed some of the posts because so far, from a quick skim,
the summary of advice would be:
* speak to a solicitor
*possibly get a mutual friend to liaise between you both
* do move back to the same city
* try to appreciate how challenging it has been for your DS' mother to raise him on her own
* suggest your parents get staff who can cover when they are sick and also to allow them to travel to visit your DS
* try to realise that most DMs would be reluctant to let a DC travel without them to visit people they do not know - this is not your DS' mum being difficult
* don't focus on storing emails for a big reveal in 17 years time - it won't be helpful
* focus on building a relationship now

Oh, and a very pertinent one for this forum:
* don't ask posters to call you

HTH

MommyBird Sun 24-Aug-14 18:43:36

Also.

I would imagine thats why your ex is slightly pissed.
He's 1. They havn't met him, they havn't made the 6 hour trip to see him yet they want her and her 1 year old to because its easier for them.

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:44:25

I am really sorry that you and your son can only see each other once a month. If I was you I would explain to your "friend" how much you love your baby, how you want to help as much as you can, and how you want what is best for your son.
If she sees that you are not going to turn it into a battle she will be likely to arrange for you to have more time.
Conflict will only hurt your son in the end.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 24-Aug-14 18:47:24

gentle he was the one who said he would come and see him once a month not her, the lack of contact is his choice

SuffolkNWhat Sun 24-Aug-14 18:47:51

Why are you only seeing him once a month? My DH if, god forbid, we ever split would never only see our girls once a month. It would physically hurt him to be apart from them for that long.

sonjadog Sun 24-Aug-14 18:50:35

Look, this is what you do:

You arrange contact formally. So that you have your son on certain days/ holidays.

Then when you are caring for your son you can take him to see your parents.

You are responsible for contact between your son and your family, his mother is not.

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:51:10

Needsasock, Yes, I know it is of his own making, but there is no need to deprive the child of seeing his father just because he was a bit of a wassock in the past.
If he can be a responsible parent now then it should be encouraged.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:52:23

And trying to get random women off the internet to phone him demonstrates that he has improved does it?

UptheChimney Sun 24-Aug-14 18:52:54

because he is my son

OMG, male privilege & entitlement right there

finallydelurking Sun 24-Aug-14 18:54:18

maths you are my new favourite poster! Though you had strong competition from spartak early on in the thread! grin

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:54:37

i have a low income and can only afford one trip per month.

my parents are angry at the situation if im honest. they dont really want to speak to her parents, they ask lots of money related and personal questions.

my mum is going to come and see him in september but she does not want to go to her home (her parents)

she will be staying in a hotel and i want to bring my son to my friends house which is less than a 5 minute walk (they are teachers so no issues with the house)

is that unreasonable?

icanmakeyouicecream Sun 24-Aug-14 18:55:09

biscuit

LoveTheSmellOfCucumber Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:03

My x was like this in that he thought ihad a respinsibility to visit his family. ( drive there, use in my free time, pay for petrol etc).

His mother had a right go at me several times so i had to tell her that the route to a good relationship with her gc was thru a better relationship wuth her son. She didnt like that of course as ut would have suited them better if id continued to do what i waa told.

Id tell op's x not to fear court. Get some free time. Have maintenance formalused and let him invite or include or exclude his (op's) relativesas he sees fit. Why should his x endure the charade of happy familys. Nightmare for her.

genericeric Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:11

maybe i should do what a lot of my peers have done and simply walk away?

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:22

Who asks money related and personal questions? Your parents? Or hers?

I want I want I want.

In my house I want doesn't get.

Yes your mother is unreasonable. The child will be over a year. Your mother hasn't made any effort until now. She should be bending over backwards and walking on nails for the chance to see her grandson now.

If she really is interested in him.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:27

Hi all,

We've received quite a few reports about this thread, and think it's best to suspend it for a while so we can take a look into things.

This thread is not accepting new messages.