Quite willing to accept might be...it's got step mums in it too!

(77 Posts)
3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 21:43:56

I have a song I've sung to the DC every night since they were babies (you are my sunshine) it accompanies scratchy back (like a stroke/tickle on their backs) all 3 of them have it in turn and it's their two minutes that is sacrosanct and not to be disturbed by the others just before sleep!

DD informed me tonight that this routine has been adopted by step mother/dads girlfriend.

AIBU to think I should be able to keep this just for myself?

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 21:46:25

Just to add we've been divorced for 2 years so there's no problem with them getting to sleep there!

TessTackle Wed 13-Aug-14 21:46:51

Yadnbu! Do they like her doing it?

plinth Wed 13-Aug-14 21:47:58

Creepy and weird.

How do your children feel about it?

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 13-Aug-14 21:49:51

I would have thought its being done to adhere to the childrens routine and make them feel secure.

UselessNess Wed 13-Aug-14 21:51:44

Is it because the kids asked her to do it? If so, then maybe it's, sort of, ok ? It's a bit weird but if the kids asked for it then maybe she didn't realise it was your special thing. Presumably she hasn't seen you doing it. confused

Rivercam Wed 13-Aug-14 21:52:34

I'd feel a little bit put out, as it's special time for you and them, unless it's as ThTbloodywomen says.

ginslinger Wed 13-Aug-14 21:52:41

I agree with that bloody woman - it's a problem if DCs don't like it

primarynoodle Wed 13-Aug-14 21:55:19

aww no this would be really upsetting for me sad whether it is U or NU because the kids have asked step-mum, yanbu to be upset!

ADHDNoodles Wed 13-Aug-14 21:55:22

When I watch children, I follow their set routine. If that routine is reading a bedtime story, I read a bedtime story. I've had a few of them insist I sing to them the way their parents do, so I do.

It's good she's keeping to their routine. It shows she cares.

If it's helping them sleep well at night and they like it, then that's what's important. Their feelings come before yours on this.

myroomisatip Wed 13-Aug-14 21:55:33

Well, sorry, but from my POV that is a very special song. It is emotive.

I would not want my kids to share that with any other adult sad IMO that is out of order.

It is one thing forging a relationship with step kids, but it has to be a unique relationship surely?

Sorry for you in this situation. I would be most unhappy about that! In fact, in all honesty I would be furious but then I am a bit hot headed. sad

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 13-Aug-14 21:55:37

I don't think its weird in the slightest, so long as they are happy.
Its all about the children, this step parenting lark imo.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Wed 13-Aug-14 21:57:58


YANBU! Get on the phone and tell that creepy biatch so find her own friggin songs !

Patrickstarisabadbellend Wed 13-Aug-14 21:59:03

I wouldn't like it at all.

BookABooSue Wed 13-Aug-14 22:00:14

I can see why you feel put out but I think she must have asked about bedtime routine and they've told her about it. She probably won't realise that it feels significant to you and DCs can feel very comforted by repetition of the same song.

(speaks from experience of trying to get friend's dd to sleep without knowing there was only one song that settled her! One verse of the chosen song and she was quiet as a lamb.)

plinth Wed 13-Aug-14 22:00:16

Softly grin

SaucyJack Wed 13-Aug-14 22:02:07

She probably means well, but you're right- it's too personal.

Is your ex a reasonable type? Can you get him to ask her not to?

FunLovinBunster Wed 13-Aug-14 22:02:25

Whilst it's naice that she's following your routine, I would feel more than miffed if I was you. And poke voodoo dolls with her name on.

MuttonCadet Wed 13-Aug-14 22:04:45

How does she know about it? If the kids asked her too then I think she's just being nice.

FlossyMoo Wed 13-Aug-14 22:04:50

I wouldn't like it either OP. I have special silly things I do with my DC hat are 'our thing' strangely enough they are songs too. smile

However how has it been adopted? What I mean is how does SM know about the song. Has DC told her about it and asked her to do it?

WooWooOwl Wed 13-Aug-14 22:10:57

It would upset me too, but it's one of those things that you can't say anything about without it turning into a big deal and having it be spoilt anyway.

hoobypickypicky Wed 13-Aug-14 22:12:49

I wouldn't feel miffed but, it depends on the ages of the DC and how they feel about it and the relationship they have with their dad's girlfriend.

If she's a "real" step mum (oh God, please don't flame me, I mean if she lives with the ex and is/is going to be a regular part of their lives for the foreseeable future and not a fly by night here today, gone next week girlfriend) I'd think it a nice bit of continuity, and an effort on her part to build a bond with children who are part of her family and to try to keep your routine.

If she's a new GF and just trying to establish her place in a family that to date she isn't really part of as yet then I think "back off" would be my response. Yes, act like that when you are sharing care with the ex as a committed couple and step parent but don't push it, don't try to come on too strong, it will just seem ott and invasive on the actual parenting team, i.e. you and the ex.

It depends what she is and what place she has in the DC's lives.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 22:30:04

I don't think YABU. I'd mind this a lot - it would feel quite a violation. BUT I think it's quite possible that she is trying to do a nice thing and as a stepmother you can be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Perhaps misjudgement on her part, but I suspect her heart's in the right place.

zipzap Wed 13-Aug-14 22:38:18

maybe you should encourage the dc to think of another song that could be the one that their stepmum or dad sings to them, so that it's special to them rather than use your special song - so they have different ones for different houses so to speak.

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Wed 13-Aug-14 22:38:38

Depends if the DCs have asked her to do it because it makes them feel secure away from home.

If that's the case, I don't really see how you can stop it. What is she supposed to say the next time they ask her to do it?

Namechangearoonie123 Wed 13-Aug-14 22:42:22

Swallow it.

Being miffed is fine smile, I would be very miffed too.

But the kids come first, if they like it, fine.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:44:07

The story I got was DD (4) asked for scratchy back and the song. Girlfriend them did the same for the other DC. DD (9) said to me oh I don't let her I ask for a book instead.

Of course I want them to feel comfortable and happy with her. But scratchy back and the song is mine!

I don't think I can say anything without looking ridiculous and petty but tbh I do think she could get her own bloody song!

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 13-Aug-14 22:45:43

So the dc's asked?

Sorry but yabu.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:47:01

One of my (only) find memories is my
DM singing it when I was little, usually when drunk hmm

I suppose I just wanted them to grow up and remember it as our thing we always did. Not our thing and dad's girlfriend.

But I did say I'd accept YABU. I'll just chew my bloody fist.

hoobypickypicky Wed 13-Aug-14 22:48:32

So is she as permanent as any partner/spouse might be? Or is she "just" a girlfriend or new to the relationship with your ex?

I really think that the answer to that would make the difference to how I saw it.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 22:49:53

YANBU at all to mind. Anyone would. But she's NBU either if they asked her.
I'd mind a hell of a lot, but I helpfully I don't have suggestions for what you can do. (At least DD9 doesn't want it.)

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:53:17

Been together just under a year. Don't live together but seem quite serious. I haven't met her so can't judge but DC like her.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 22:55:31

Do you get on well enough with your ex to suggest she has a different song? I'm a stepmother, and I'd have understood completely. I wouldn't have thought it petty at all. I think it would be mean-spirited to find it petty.

DontPutMeDownForCardio Wed 13-Aug-14 22:55:43

You're being precious. Would you rather she didn't care about your kids?

fairylightsintheloft Wed 13-Aug-14 22:56:46

Sorry but not "everyone would mind". I don't really get this possessiveness about kids - people on here who are upset that someone else saw first steps or whatever. A friend of mine stayed at home precisely because she couldn't bear the idea of a CM having a special role in her DD life - I'm delighted that our CM loves my two and they her, that they accidentally call me by her name sometimes. It shows how well they are cared for and how happy they are in the many hours I am not there. If your younger DD asked for it as a comfort at bedtime, I would be more concerned if it was denied.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 13-Aug-14 22:58:32

Your DC asked for it specifically and she did it. I think it's lovely that she's listening to what they want to settle them before bed. I'm sure there are plenty of SM's around who'd blow a perfunctory kiss and close the door.

Foolishlady Wed 13-Aug-14 23:02:24

It sounds like she's just being nice as they asked her to do it - they must find it comforting - but understand you feeling miffed. Not sure what you should/could do about it though, if your kids like it...

Lucyccfc Wed 13-Aug-14 23:03:47

Sorry, but scratchy back and that song aren't yours -I've been doing exactly the same with my DS for 9 years. Chuck in God save the queen at bedtime and I would think you have been stalking me.

If that's what your children like, want or need, it shouldn't matter. I think it's nice that there step-Mum makes such an effort.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 23:06:53

Dontpuedown, I think there's probably amiddle ground between not caring for the kids and singing a song which is sung during a special two minutes every night. Wheels on the bus maybe? wink

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 23:08:44

Ok Lucy....now close your eyes and image DS snuggled in bed and your husbands GF doing it...you don't feel a little twinge anywhere?

If not then you're a better woman than me

wheresthelight Wed 13-Aug-14 23:09:37

YANBU to be a little upset but if your youngest has asked her to do it then YWBU to say anything to put a stop to it.

Look at it another way - how would you feel if your youngest came home distraught because she couldn't sleep without the song etc and dad's gf refused and put her to bed and walked away?

I am a SM and if my DSS had asked me to do something like that aged four I would have thought that he was doing it because he missed his mum and it reminded him of her/got him into his familiar routine, not that he saw me as comparable to her IYSWIM.

I can understand why you would be a little sad though, I probably would be too. All I can say is that it won't mean as much to the SM so hopefully it won't stick for long?

ADHDNoodles Wed 13-Aug-14 23:14:03

Think of it this way. Your children want your song you sing to them because it reminds them of mommy, you. It means they miss you. smile

BarbarianMum Wed 13-Aug-14 23:15:43

It wouldn't bother me at all. She was doing just what your dd asked her to, which I think is rather nice of her.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 23:17:07

It's not possessive to cherish special rituals that are special to you and your child.

wishmynamewasdave Wed 13-Aug-14 23:20:42

I had a similar thing with my Mother-in-law. When I stopped breastfeeding my 25month old I was pregnant, and my daughter replaced feeding with placing her hands under my top on my belly. It continued even after I'd given birth, and still now, a year later.

My lo came home from her Nanas the other week and told me she'd touched Nanas belly. I was so upset! I felt like she has breastfed her, and offered her comfort which should have been mine.

I did tell my girl that belly touching is our thing... but no idea if it went in, and I've no asked or broached the subject since!

I won't be saying anything to my mil though - as far as she was concerned she was just comforting her.

Stupid thing is, when I have my belly held my mil rolls her eyes at me!

Lucyccfc Wed 13-Aug-14 23:34:38

3stripesandout -I would want what is best for my DS. If he wanted my Ex-H's girlfriend to sing a specific song and scratch his back in a certain way, why should I want to stop that happening.

It would be about me putting the needs of my DS above my own feelings.

You asked if people thought you were BU - yes you are I'm afraid.

ThistleDoMeNicely Wed 13-Aug-14 23:37:46

I can absolutely see why it would bother you and I'd want to scratch her eyes out buuuut if you DD asked for her to do it then I can see why she did.

promisedyouarosegarden Wed 13-Aug-14 23:44:48

So a 4 year old asks for a particular song at bedtime, and the woman sings it for her?

That's just subhuman.

ThisFenceIsComfy Wed 13-Aug-14 23:53:05

Your DS did ask for the song.

I don't see any reason to call this woman a bitch like some people have.

If your DD asked for the song then it shows she likes the stepmum and is comfortable with her, so take that as a positive. You need to swallow your unreasonable yet understandable feelings, sorry.

WhatTheFork Thu 14-Aug-14 00:24:17

I can see why you are miffed, but with greatest respect YABU.

Your LO asked for the song and she obliged. She's not trying to be their mummy, by the sounds of it, she's trying to make your children comfortable, happy and settled at bedtime. If I'm honest, she sounds lovely. If I'm really honest, if my DH's new gf (not in that situation though) played "the kissy game" with my DD2, I'd go nuclear grin

twinkles1974 Thu 14-Aug-14 00:58:00

YANBU. I'd be really miffed too (I also sing the same song to my youngest 2, sang it to them 'in utero' aswell and it was the only thing that comforted them when little). So I'd be v. annoyed in your situation, but would probably just inwardly seethe. They know you're their mum, they know you love them unconditionally.

I'm hedging a bet that Stepmum doesn't have kids of her own? Because then she'd understand how personal a song it is between you and your children, and would probably choose a different one.

I have experience of ex's other halves, and over time I came to the thinking that at least they were nice to my child & treated them well. Xx

PS. Just re-read my response before i posted it. Can i just add that my eldest is 21, that is why i dont sing it to her anymore, she doesn't live at home!

however Thu 14-Aug-14 01:13:02

I can see your point, but you'll just have st suck it up, I guess.

If I were the GF, I'd have compromised and sung something else.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Thu 14-Aug-14 01:32:38

I used to sing that same song to ds1 when he was a baby. I've just relistened to it, after many years, and the lyrics are a bit chilling...

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another
You'll regret it all someday

Ooh, MIL issues.... grin

slithytove Thu 14-Aug-14 01:33:42

Oh dear.

SM hasn't done anything wrong.

I'd still be gutted though!

sucks being a mum sometimes, bloody emotional wreck that I am

gingercat2 Thu 14-Aug-14 04:02:20

I would hate it. But, I think you should let it be for the kids' sakes. It sounds like the nine year old already feels like it's a special thing with you. The younger kids maybe like it because it reminds them of you.

Cheeky76890 Thu 14-Aug-14 05:25:38

I think it's really nice she sings that to them.

steff13 Thu 14-Aug-14 05:30:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable for how you feel. Each of my kids has a song I used to sing to them when they were babies, and those were "our songs." I'd be sad if someone else sang my song with my baby.

But, I don't think you would be reasonable to say anything about it.

fuzzpig Thu 14-Aug-14 05:51:07

I can see why you're upset, but your youngest did ask for it. They are a bit too young to really understand the significance of it just being YOUR thing, I think, whereas your eldest obviously feels stronger about it.
For all you know SM actually felt really uncomfortable doing it but only did it because she was asked. It would be very different if she had suggested it or did it unprompted I think.

It's really tricky. I don't know what I would've done in her shoes. I remember making up my own stuff with DSDs when they were little and stayed over (like I made up my own verses to round and round the garden with their names in!) but then their mum didn't have any rituals with them anyway as far as I can remember.

DH had one though and I didn't even copy that - it had started before we met when DH was still living with them (they'd already divorced but he still lived their for a while after) and it just felt wrong to try and share it.

I was very conscious not to try and be their mum and treading on toes. Eg when DSD asked me if she should call me mummy (when we got married) I said it was really lovely of her to want to, but it might hurt her own mummy's feelings. I've worked hard to just forge my own unique relationship with them and it's definitely paid off in terms of our bond now (been together nearly 12 years), and also having no issues between me and their mum:

googoodolly Thu 14-Aug-14 05:56:55

YANBU to feel upset, but they did ask for it. She's doing what they want and keeping to their routine, so YWBVU to ask her to stop.

KoalaDownUnder Thu 14-Aug-14 06:00:15

YABU if you say anything about it. Your son asked, and she's just trying to be nice. I've been the stepmom, and it's bloody hard. You're constantly aware of not wanting to be cold to little children, but also not wanting to step on the real mother's toes.

If you say anything, you'll be putting your own feelings before your child's. Not cool.

YANBU for feeling the way you do. Just don't act on it.

Mummytoagorgeouschops Thu 14-Aug-14 07:39:29

They probably asked her to do it and she genuinely doesn't realise that its your special thing.

Cut her a bit of slack

ReputableBiscuit Thu 14-Aug-14 07:49:03

I'm sorry, but did someone upthread say they sing the National Anthem to their DC at bedtime?!

needaholidaynow Thu 14-Aug-14 07:58:58

If dsd asked me to sing a song to her that she sings with her mum at bedtime, I'm sorry but i wouldn't actially want to. I'd have read a story instead.

needaholidaynow Thu 14-Aug-14 07:59:19


Hellokittycat Thu 14-Aug-14 07:59:38

I can understand why you'd feel slightly put out but she obviously did it with good intention and you would be very unreasonable to put a stop to it. One of those times where you need to put the kids feelings before your own!
To those saying why doesn't the step mum just sing a different song...this is a small child here who has this particular song every bed time. It's like saying why not give the child a different soft toy instead of their own bedtime comforter as that's only for mummy's house. Surely the familiar settles the child in a different house, that's what it's for

ThistleDoMeNicely Thu 14-Aug-14 09:42:16

Just out of interest needaholiday why wouldn't you do it? Do you think you would find it uncomfortable?

I'm honestly not sure if I would or not. They probably wouldn't want me to sing. My DD tells me to stop all the time when I'm going about singing screeching to the radio grin

needaholidaynow Thu 14-Aug-14 10:10:38

Thistle I think that's it. I think I would feel uncomfortable doing something that is unique to her and her mum. You've seen the OP's and other people's reactions on here to the SM in the OP's situation and I would hate for people to think I am overstepping the mark and that I am a bitch.

ReputableBiscuit Thu 14-Aug-14 10:41:02

Yes but the national anthem?!

ReputableBiscuit Thu 14-Aug-14 17:38:45

Nobody else intrigued by God Save The Queen as a lullaby then?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Thu 14-Aug-14 17:41:23

I rec the god Dave the queen anthem is really easy to sing quietly . I used to sing little donkey ha ha

ShoddyBoss Thu 14-Aug-14 18:15:30

God Dave the queen has gotta sound soooo much better than "god save the queen" SoftlySoftly. grin

JustALittleBitLost Thu 14-Aug-14 18:24:57

YANBU to feel pissed off. I am one of the least possessive mothers around and am very happy that DD has a loving relationship with her stepmother. But I'd be upset by this.

I don't think there's anything you can do though, without really rocking the boat and making things awkward. The step mother probably means well, and your DD did ask for it.

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 14-Aug-14 18:30:54

Aw of course yanbu to feel like that.

But you're their mum, noone is going to replace you.

From an outsider pov, the more people who care about them the better.

The fact that your youngest asked her to do this probably means that she misses you, and I'd be more concerned if SM said no. At least she's trying and listening to them.

I'm probably the most RP biased person that there is, but I think that you should just leave it alone on this one.

Pyjamaramadrama Thu 14-Aug-14 18:34:01

And btw I sing you are my sunshine to ds, and tell Lego stories to ds about a little Lego man called Andy.

I know that he asks nanny to do this when he sleeps there. Mine are way better though.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Thu 14-Aug-14 18:52:51

shoddy 'dave the queen'

ShoddyBoss Thu 14-Aug-14 19:03:23

grin SoftlySoftly

He looks just the part!

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