To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

(160 Posts)
LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:28:09

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

magoria Mon 28-Jul-14 21:30:19

Don't worry about friend A. It just shows what she really thinks of the bride if she and B decide to be upset about £5.

gordyslovesheep Mon 28-Jul-14 21:31:03

the couples aren't 'paying a little more' are they - they are paying LESS

YABU

JustSquirted Mon 28-Jul-14 21:32:42

I think it's nobody's business what anybody else pays.
Same with a gift, you wouldn't know how much exactly it was.

You should give what you think is right / affordable / appropriate for your particular friendship, and let others do the same.

PleaseJustShootMeNow Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:06

Sorry but I think YABU too. You should all pay the same or go it alone.

Pico2 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:06

Why do you need to put it all together? Can't you just each give a gift?

I tend to think of a gift as going some way towards our meal or the evening do at a wedding, so I tend to think "per person".

Heels99 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:32

Yabu. Singles are paying 15 each. Couples are paying 20 per couple so 10 each. Don't blame your friend for forming a couple!

Squtternutbaush Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:33

If you have all decided on a set amount it should be equal for everyone so say £10 per person (as the couples are paying) or £15 per person (as the singles are paying).

Why should someone who is single pay more?

NewtRipley Mon 28-Jul-14 21:36:19

Lawks what a fuss. I actually agree with A though, although in her place I probably wouldn't mention it. In your place I wouldn't have set it up in this way

Pidgy Mon 28-Jul-14 21:36:35

Who cares?! It's really not worth getting worked up over £5.
Just let them pay whatever they want.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Mon 28-Jul-14 21:37:41

YABU. Why should the single people pay more (per person) than the couples?

dun1urkin Mon 28-Jul-14 21:38:16

I think A and B were U to 'agree' to something that they didn't really agree with and not say anything until the last minute.

Surely the only way to agree this sort of thing is to apply a weighted formula based on -- pre-agreed for reasonableness-- disposable income and the longevity, closeness and any other factor necessary of the relationship with the bride and/or groom grin

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 21:38:47

So in total you were going to put in £85? The weird bit of me that I keep locked within would have felt duty bound to round up to £100 as £85 is a yacky number. But then I can't allocate time in less than 15 minute blocks and I can't have the tv volume on a number that's not divisible by 5. I can't work out who is BU as the £85 is disturbing me <helpful face>

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:40:06

You're right, in retrospect we should all do a gift separately, but they all wanted to club together with money and a gift (they made a memory/photo album thing) as they're all an old school friendship group with the B&G.

dun1urkin Mon 28-Jul-14 21:40:07

(Sorry for the strikethrough fail)

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 21:41:41

pico2
Why do you need to put it all together? Can't you just each give a gift?

Actually, that's a really good point! Or the couples together and the singles together?

Also, what about third single who didn't form a couple? Is she now the only one paying £15 because THAT would BU.

amyhamster Mon 28-Jul-14 21:42:50

Are you going to the whole day?
Because tbh £15 is very stingy !
I usually give £25 for an evening do & £30 for all day
£85 btw 7 people doesn't seem a lot

dun1urkin Mon 28-Jul-14 21:44:19

amyhamster it might be stingy to you, but don't forget the formula based on income and relationship to the happy couple...

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 28-Jul-14 21:44:27

I too don't understand the need to club together if you're fixing cash. I don't understand the need to set a tariff. I don't understand why you pay less if you're in a couple. I think you are probably BU.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:44:46

Yes stary she's paying £15 by herself because she said £7.50 is a weird number for her to add to the envelope. I wasn't there when it happened but she's a bit miffed about it.

thecageisfull Mon 28-Jul-14 21:46:27

I think YABU. You should either all pay £10 or all pay £15.

I go out as a single per on in a group where the others all happen to be couples. I always end up paying a wee bit more. Things like 'taxi works outs as £30 per couple and £20 for cage' and I end up getting in more than my fair share of rounds. Not twice as many but it still hacks me off. I like them enough to put up with it.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:46:28

We're only going to the evening, ceremony is family only. It's a really relaxed event (parent's garden, no band, etc).

thecageisfull Mon 28-Jul-14 21:48:16

Yes stary she's paying £15 by herself because she said £7.50 is a weird number for her to add to the envelope. I wasn't there when it happened but she's a bit miffed about it.

Surely she would pay £10, like everyone else, not £7.50 confused

dun1urkin Mon 28-Jul-14 21:48:23

What? When did £7.50 come into it??
I thought it was £15 each but with a £5 discount if you were coupled up?

BBQSteak Mon 28-Jul-14 21:49:12

yabu, either everyone pays same or give your own gifts

tbh im baffled by this !

dun1urkin Mon 28-Jul-14 21:50:29

Oh no! I forgot to include both 'style of wedding' and day/evening/both in the formula... blush

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:50:39

Sorry, £10! I was thinking of the original amount we said we'd give which was £10 per single, £15 per couple. (Friend A's original suggestion but we increased it because we said that wasn't enough.)

ScrambledEggAndToast Mon 28-Jul-14 21:51:26

Whilst it's silly to get so annoyed over £5, why should the couples get a "bargain". I can definitely see why the singles are annoyed.

hmc Mon 28-Jul-14 21:51:32

Pfft! I'm with your single friends and would be frankly fucked off with the nonsensical suggestion of £20 for a couple but £15 for a single. Frankly, what is your rationale?

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:52:58

Fair enough, I did wonder if I was BU by feeling a bit miffed at her. It's just because I'm only a plus one, I felt a bit strange being expected to pay the same as everyone who was good friends with her.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:54:43

The couples aren't getting a bargain, it's more like my DP paid £15 and I paid £5. Same goes for the other couple. But I can see that £5 is actually nothing really! Maybe couples should have done £25?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Mon 28-Jul-14 21:55:17

Are you honestly quibbling about £5? We were invited to next door's daughter's evening do recently, couldn't go, but still gave them £50 towards their honeymoon.

Good grief!

YABU - but it should be the amount per person, if that is how you are working it, ie, single person pays £10/couple pays £20, or single person pays £15/couple pays £30.

It's not rocket science, really, is it??

Yama Mon 28-Jul-14 21:55:48

YABU. Very much so. Why on earth should there be a supplement for the single people? Ridiculous.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Mon 28-Jul-14 21:56:31

Isn't this like paying a single person supplement?

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:58:06

Also, the single who is mostly annoyed is the one who got left out by the weird last minute 'coupling off' by single friends A and B.

The three single friends (who aren't actually single!) still signed the card from their OHs.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:58:49

I think we're going to have to tear open the envelope and start again aren't we...?

FoodieToo Mon 28-Jul-14 22:00:25

I hate this crap. Why should couples get a discount ???

And more so, are you going to full wedding and giving 15 pounds as gift?

That's incredibly mean in my opinion.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 22:01:05

LifesABeachApparently
I think we're going to have to tear open the envelope and start again aren't we...?

Yes, you stingy fuckers grin

And for my sake, make it total either £75 or £100.

hmc Mon 28-Jul-14 22:01:46

No it's nothing like paying a single person supplement - a single person supplement is a valid charge when a single person is occupying a double room which would normally be charged at a higher rate hmm

wafflyversatile Mon 28-Jul-14 22:04:31

Well there are a few ways to work it.

the plus ones pay nothing because they are not the old school chums sharing memories in the album, but plus ones. In this case X number of old chums pay equal (£15) amounts, regardless of if their partner is attending or not.

As far as I'm aware people don't not buy a present just because they can't go. Many people still buy a present, at least. In which case everyone (as couples) pay the same amount (£20)

Everyone who attends the wedding contributes. singles pay £X and couples pay double.

Some other ways too, probably.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 22:05:45

I think you all need to back down about calling the amount stingy. Earlier there was a thread about someone buying an £8 photo frame instead of giving money because they couldn't afford to and everyone was very supportive. We can't afford to give a lot but we're still giving money because we know how much the B&G would love to go on a honeymoon.

This isn't a money vs present post. I was genuinely curious as to whether I'm justified in feeling miffed at my friends last minute change in attitude.

Serenitysutton Mon 28-Jul-14 22:07:28

£15 or £20 is just tight. You can't give £85 between 7 people!

amyhamster Mon 28-Jul-14 22:08:11

I apologise for the use of the word stingy
I'd rather buy a cheaper present - like the photo frame idea than give a wedding couple £10 hard cash as it's not obvious then how much was spent

cerealqueen Mon 28-Jul-14 22:08:57

YABU.

£15 is stingy.

Why treat the people going on their own differently to those in couples?

It is like couples who do rounds together, or bring one bottle of wine to a dinner party.

Or who give one gift to a single friends or a family member, but get two back.

Everybody is a whole person, give a whole amount of money EACH.

Wheelerdeeler Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:18

In Ireland the minimum is €150.

You are getting a bargain at £10/15/25

hmc Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:25

I agree - people shouldn't brand £15 stingy, that is crass when not aware of the financial situation of those giving

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:33

Yes, I apologise too - I thought you'd see it was meant in jest.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:37

You're right hmc .

And if one part of a couple is invited but unable to attend, I still think they should chip in for their friends' wedding gift.

Incidentally, can I suggest you buy your own drinks and don't try to split a joint bill at the end of the evening.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:44

£15?

That's a few pints and a packet of crisps, not a wedding gift.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:50

Thanks waffly, I think we either need to crack the envelope open or I need to let it go.

I feel a bit odd about bringing it up with the group. My DP really isn't bothered so he won't say anything and I feel a bit like the interfering girlfriend tbh...

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Mon 28-Jul-14 22:09:58

I think I answered your question - you all give the same amount - per person (not per couple against single)

Still stingy amount though

cerealqueen Mon 28-Jul-14 22:10:59

I didn't see the stingy comment - but if its not about the money, what is it about? She changed her mind, decided it was unfair.

Caly2014 Mon 28-Jul-14 22:11:13

None of your previous posts mentioned that you couldn't afford more, it came across that you didn't feel that you should be expected to contribute much because you don't know them well:

"It's just because I'm only a plus one, I felt a bit strange being expected to pay the same as everyone who was good friends with her."

If that is truly how you feel then don't expect there to be a glass of wine/ sausage roll for you at the party as after all you are only a plus one so why should they cater for you...

Wantsunshine Mon 28-Jul-14 22:14:40

Why would couples get a discount. Totally ridiculous. Also if you are staying so where the couples will get a further discount as sharing a room. Why wouldn't you put in an extra fiver. You sound incredibly cheap and if you were single would no doubt be the first shouting how unfair this arrangement was.

Foolishlady Mon 28-Jul-14 22:16:14

Jeez, I think I would rather buy some of gift rather than £20 as a couple...there's no getting round it that is stingy!

Wadingthroughsoup Mon 28-Jul-14 22:16:24

Why on earth doesn't each individual/couple put in what they can afford/want to give? I find it really bizarre that there's an agreed 'tariff'. confused I could imagine asking friends how much they were planning to give, if I wanted reassurance, but I can't imagine discussing and making an agreement like this in a group. Am I missing something?

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 22:27:21

Like I've said, this isn't a gift vs money post. There was a gift as well (a photo albulm thing, some cheesy but cute mr&mrs things and we donated a load of bits and bobs to them as they're doing the wedding on a budget; bunting, table cloths, jugs, etc). We also wanted to give a bit of money as we know that the B&G would like a honeymoon.

wafflyversatile Mon 28-Jul-14 22:28:20

Ah, yes I left that off my list, because it had been said, I think.

Everyone gives what they want.

I think it is out of order to say £15 or £20 is stingy. £15 is a massive whack to many people while the far more generous looking £100 might be proportionately much less to the person giving that.

DitzyDonkey Mon 28-Jul-14 22:31:07

wheelersealer I was just coming on to say the same as you, what a bloody bargain. It's €150-€200 here in Ireland.

wafflyversatile Mon 28-Jul-14 22:32:10

What would be miserly would be for everyone to agree to put in together for a joint present, decide to put in what each wanted then those who gave more be annoyed that it was put in as a joint present when each gave what they could afford which was not equal. That would be a stinginess of spirit.

HaroldLloyd Mon 28-Jul-14 22:34:19

I don't understand why couples are only giving 10 each and single persons 15 each?

Seems odd to me. Surely every adult should give the same?

wafflyversatile Mon 28-Jul-14 22:36:08

the couples save on hotel rooms, but need to buy 2 outfits, pay two train tickets, but save if driving 2 people in one car. You could go on for ever. But we have a more petrol hungry car. We have two kids to pay for. We earn less. We have a bigger mortgage. etc etc.

Lucked Mon 28-Jul-14 22:37:58

I agree with Wading that it is unusual to have a group of 7 people who can only afford £10 - £15, if you are all giving what you can afford it should be different amounts.

If you must I think everyone puts in £15, you put £100 in the envelope with the spare £5 buying a token bottle of cava or prosecco.

LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 22:38:21

Thanks for all your help guys! I'm off to bed now but I'll put your comments to DP in the morning and see what he says. I can't imagine he'll be bothered though (infuriatingly laid back is an understatement).

I definitely feel better for asking but I think it's back to lurking for me from now on!

meganorks Mon 28-Jul-14 22:40:50

Surely the only reason to give a joint present is to club money together to buy something? If money is the present why don't each of you just give what you want/can afford?
But YABU - each individual should give the same.

hmc Mon 28-Jul-14 22:45:31

Aww don't go back to lurking lifesabeach!

Bourdic Mon 28-Jul-14 22:55:41

Well I'd go the whole hog and do a means tested contribution. Decide on total amount you want to give, then take each persons net salary, deduct agreed living expenses, for example, it wouldn't be fair to deduct the mortgage costs per se because some people would be living in bigger houses than they strictly needed so you could do a sort of bedroom tax calculation. Then deduct food bills but again adjust for those shopping at Waitrose or Asda. I'm not sure that having children should come into the calculation because they are after all a lifestyle choice and school fees should certainly not be a deductible expense. Anyway when you've agreed on all that, you can then look at the total amount of available income and the amount you have decided to give and then proportion it out on a per capita basis. Does away with all this couples/singles rubbish and has the advantage of being really really simple

NewtRipley Mon 28-Jul-14 23:22:46

I don't think the amount is stingy

If you could afford £40 you might spend that much on an individual present, but not everyone can afford that much. So clubbing together is a nice way to make the gesture and buy something more substantial

NewtRipley Mon 28-Jul-14 23:23:43

Lifes

You know there's a middle way between lurking and starting Wedding threads, right? wink

NewtRipley Mon 28-Jul-14 23:25:32

I disagree that if you are clubbing together you pay different amounts. That's the whole point of clubbing together. All for one and one for all

RockinHippy Mon 28-Jul-14 23:33:55

YABU, totally daft & unfair way to organise it, your friend is right, she should be peed off with you, not you her

mommy2ash Mon 28-Jul-14 23:42:31

each adult should have said the same amount. I don't understand why you are clubbing in to put money in an envelope I've only ever done that to buy a better gift.

I'm from Ireland where it is just the norm to give 150 to 200 euros so 75 between 7 adults does seem very stingy to me. if I didn't have much money to give I would prefer to find a present that looks like it cost more.

I spend that much on a child's birthday gift

Irishmammybread Mon 28-Jul-14 23:42:47

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but Ditzy ,can I ask if the 150-200 euros gift is usual per person or per couple when attending an Irish wedding ?

WeShouldOpenABar Mon 28-Jul-14 23:57:32

per couple irishmammy but I've pulled back on that seen as I see mist wedding invites as an invoice in the post

Dickiewiddler Tue 29-Jul-14 00:03:40

I think each adult should pay the same! A PlusOne doesn't eat or drink less!

And £15 a pop? Save everyone some heartache and stay at home! Stingy doesn't cover it!

wafflyversatile Tue 29-Jul-14 00:03:55

What do Irish people who don't have €150 do? Hide in a hole and never speak to anyone for fear they might be invited to a wedding? Is there a special Irish branch of wonga.com that gives out wedding guest loans?

Iownathreeinchferrari Tue 29-Jul-14 00:11:09

I think the singles should have done 10 and the couples 20.

Or the singles 15 and the couples 30

Iownathreeinchferrari Tue 29-Jul-14 00:12:02

You are still taking one place at the wedding regardless

pinkyredrose Tue 29-Jul-14 00:14:38

Friend A is right. Why should she pay a single person supplement!

As an aside I think I'd be rather miffed at being informed what I was expected to give. I'd see it as a private thing tbh.

wafflyversatile Tue 29-Jul-14 00:14:57

It's not a quid pro quo arrangement.

This couple had a picnic in the park reception where we all brought our own sandwiches so I won't give them a present. this couple hired the Dorchester with a free bar all night so we'll buy them an astin martin.

ChanelNumber19 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:19:43

I think YABU

This is single person tax. It's everywhere. Couples subsidise each other all the time and there's nothing wrong with that but I don't see why each person isn't counted as an individual, with each individual giving the same.

Still, it's a pretty small amount to have to give as a wedding present, so if I were invited, being single as I am I'd still just give 15.

ChanelNumber19 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:22:45

wafflyversatile, it's nonsense that irish people have to give 150e. That's a celtic tiger cub attitude. Never be embarrassed to give a token gift. smile

Lele22 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:30:38

I haven't read other peoples comments but yous may as well just give an empty card...I wouldn't even give that little to a child for a birthday!

Other Irish posters, that is amount given by guests to entire wedding. Sounds like OP and friends are only invited to evening. No way would I be giving 150-200 euros for an evening invite. Probably 50 euro per couple for evening invite?
To poster who asked Irish posters what they would do if they couldn't afford 150 euros, well; most likely they would save up in advance. Or decline invite. But put money aside is more likely.

NellyTheEfalump Tue 29-Jul-14 00:35:49

YABU.

Lele22 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:40:51

I second that. .. €50 evening invite and €150-200 for a full day per couple and I'm tight with money!

arna Tue 29-Jul-14 00:41:15

I decided to forgo a new frock and bought my cousin a wedding present off her list. A close relative and boyfriend bought new outfits, stayed 2 nights at the hotel rather than one with the additional meal/taxi spend and then decided that they couldn't afford to buy a wedding present for the bride & groom! Talk about tight!

ChanelNumber19 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:47:29

i must have a brass neck then. I ignore wedding lists and buy some little trinket for 40 euro. i'm a single parent and i feel that if anybody is ungrateful for my gift then they can take their head out of their privileged backside. But I've never felt that my more modest gift has been received with a lack of gratitude. mind you, at forty something or other, I haven't been invited to many weddings in the last few years -- thank goodness--

helenenemo Tue 29-Jul-14 00:50:47

€50 evening invite.... You don't give a gift for an evening invite! That's crazy talk!!!!

wafflyversatile Tue 29-Jul-14 00:58:03

To poster who asked Irish posters what they would do if they couldn't afford 150 euros, well; most likely they would save up in advance. Or decline invite. But put money aside is more likely.

Put what money aside? Are there no people in Ireland who aren't able to 'put money aside' or 'save up in advance' for actual important things, let alone wedding gifts?

CheerfulYank Tue 29-Jul-14 00:58:14

I think YABU.

But I think everyone who calls it stingy is BU too. If it's what you can afford that's fine.

Zucker Tue 29-Jul-14 01:10:11

wafflyversatile They'd buy a present rather than give cash in that situation. Definitely wouldn't hand over €20 in a card.

Thisvehicleisreversing Tue 29-Jul-14 01:27:50

I feel really shit after reading this thread sad

My DB is getting married in September, after clothing me, DH and DSs, travelling to where they live, staying over for 2 nights in a hotel, buying drinks and having a meal with family the night before which has been sprung on us we really can't afford to spend much more than £25 max on a present.

I thought that was an acceptable amount but after reading threads like this one I feel really awful.

The thing is we've saved all year for this wedding and we can still only afford that much. and there's no way I'd get DH to agree to spend more, he doesn't believe in pricey gifts

How in God's name do people afford to spend so much on wedding gifts?

Op, I think £15/£20 spend when you're an evening guest is fine.

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 01:36:01

In these circumstances I think everyone should have contributed equally. Just tell the single guest to put in 10 instead of 15. I don't really agree with "couples pay less" for wedding gifts and whether you are a close friend or a plus one is immaterial.

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 01:40:39

Interesting to read the comments about Irish weddings. In Spain where we live the etiquette is the same (giving 200� cash per guest) and those who can't afford it decline the invitation.

wafflyversatile Tue 29-Jul-14 02:21:35

Don't feel shit, vehicle.

Anyone who disses someone for not impoverishing themselves buying a present on to if the expense of attending should feel shit.

vvviola Tue 29-Jul-14 02:35:34

Yep, for an Irish wedding if you can't /don't want to give the cash, you give a gift from the list. Which is why we had things on our list from €10 upwards.

Or you could be like my fabulous friend who couchsurfed so she had somewhere she could afford to stay and gave us socks in the colours of the country we had met (I had met her there, and then later DH). I still have the socks and smile and think of her and my wedding every time I put them on grin. Definitely one of my favourite wedding presents

Serenitysutton Tue 29-Jul-14 07:00:52

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

Tanaqui Tue 29-Jul-14 07:26:11

It's not really tight though is it? It's reciprocal- when you get married in Ireland you get a load of cash. In England, lots of toasters/ photo frames. Works out fair, assuming you don't expect different.

Guitargirl Tue 29-Jul-14 07:29:40

Bonkers.

londonrach Tue 29-Jul-14 07:34:08

Don't understand the couples are paying less not more. To be fair everybody pays either couple rate £10 per person or single rate £15 per person. yabu

Wellwellwell3holesintheground Tue 29-Jul-14 07:34:29

But you cannot be generous with what you haven't got.

I'm still traumatised from working in an office that did £5 secret Santa. I couldn't afford it. Everyone stopped talking to me.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground Tue 29-Jul-14 07:36:08

That was to serenity.

Serenitysutton Tue 29-Jul-14 07:41:20

There are people short on money everywhere, it's just it seems to be dealt with differently in different cultures.

That's sounds crap of your colleagues though sad

It's not really reciprocal though is it? We give £50-100 when we go to weddings, plenty of people in this country give that and more. Not everyone gives pocket money sized gifts

mrssmith79 Tue 29-Jul-14 08:07:04

So they're friends not workmates? The whole set-up is odd if you ask me. One solitary wedding card? And a whipround? Between 7 people? I've honestly never heard the likes.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Tue 29-Jul-14 08:10:33

waffly has said what I was thinking. No-one should feel bad, nor inferior, depending on what size gift their family budget can afford.

Having recently got married, I'd be horrified to think a guest declined my invite because they couldn't afford a gift (although we clearly stated no gifts or cash on the invite).

ApocalypseThen Tue 29-Jul-14 08:10:51

Good grief, £75 quid between 7 of you? That's a pretty rotten birthday present, let alone wedding present. I know that's not what you're asking though, but yes, you are being incredibly mean to your single friends and I think good for the one with the knickers to pull you up on it.

I think the difference in gifts between Irish and English weddings may be partly down to the day. I feel from here that people don't seem to think they should be paying for the cost of inviting them, whereas I think Irish people think that the package is probably €45-70 per head, which you pay, plus a bit on top for the gift so that bride and groom can pay it off and are left with something. But English weddings have a shorter day, and sometimes things like buffets so maybe it's not the same thing.

lanbro Tue 29-Jul-14 08:15:09

I think the amount is stingy! We just went to an evening do and gave £30, so only £15 a head for a hog roast, cake and an evening of entertainment!

Staryyeyedsurprise Tue 29-Jul-14 09:35:28

I'm boggled at the "standard" Irish gift of 200 euros (just realised I have no idea how to do the symbol)!!!

A poster said that if someone couldn't afford the gift they'd probably decline the invite...is that what the bride & groom would expect them to do?

Sorry for derail!

kali110 Tue 29-Jul-14 09:52:20

Im grateful my close friends have been grateful for £20 iv put in and shock horror nothing when i was a bridesmaid. Id suddenly lost my job and been declared unfit and surviving on £72 a week. My friend wanted me to be a bridemaid not a bloody present.
If my friends were thinking of declining coming to my wedding because they couldnt afford to give money, buy a present or only give a small amount i would be horrified! Id rather my friends there than money or presents! They're not there for you when you need them.

temporarilyjerry Tue 29-Jul-14 10:01:29

I think each adult should pay the same! A PlusOne doesn't eat or drink less!

But it is money as a gift. They are not buying a ticket or paying for their own meal.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 11:14:59

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

confused That's a rather harsh, sweeping statement, Serenity!! It appears that most people on the thread (British included) think the amount offered by this conglomerate of guests is stingy in the extreme, and they're squabbling over £5.

Lifesabeach It was lovely that you have all been invited. The B&G could have not bothered to invite you. They will be forking out for an evening of merriment for you all, the least you can do is pay a decent amount towards a collection, and not count the "plus 1" as an aside. Amount given should be PER HEAD, not less for couples and more for singles. Grossly unfair.

I say again, you are being totally unreasonable.

Many, many years ago, when DP and I first got together, he was best man at a wedding and the couple invited me also. DP and I had only been dating for six weeks, and I had only recently moved to the area, so hardly knew them at all. I thought it was so lovely of them to invite me along at the last minute, really, thinking about how much planning a wedding needs.
Consequently, I went out of my way to buy them a gorgeous present (this was long before the advent of gift lists and requests for money or vouchers) because I thought they had been super-kind and welcoming.

Would it have been better for you all to have declined the invitation, seeing as how it's caused so much angst for everyone? If you're not particular friends, it may be better for the B&G - they may be relieved that they don't have to pay so much to entertain you all, it'll knock something off their hefty bill.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 11:19:21

Kali - but if you were a bridesmaid, then you were quite clearly a close friend, so obviously the bride WANTED you to be there. She would have known your financial situation. The OP is saying they have been invited for the evening, and are not close friends. Totally different situation.

OP's point is that they want to pay less for a "couple" than each single person, which seems mean to me. I think if they are clubbing together, it should be a set amount per person.

Serenitysutton Tue 29-Jul-14 12:14:21

Ovalevans it sounds harsher than I intended, lol. It is sow thing you notice when you sort of straddle 2 cultures though.

echt Tue 29-Jul-14 12:54:17

I may be missing something here, but I'd never ever thought that an invitation to a wedding meant some commensurate present related to the cost.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 13:11:48

Not necessarily commensurate, but if I were getting married and thought that some stingy so-and-so's were quibbling over who might pay £5 more or who can get away with paying as little as possible, I'd personally be inclined to uninvite them, as they would sound (to me)more like free-loaders than friends.

If they were very good friends and I knew their financial circumstances were dire, then obviously that would be completely different, and wouldn't bother me in the slightest if they brought nothing. I'd be delighted with their presence and for them to share the occasion.

If you're invited out to dinner, you take a bottle of wine and some flowers. That'll cost you £20.
To attend an evening wedding 'do', you'd offer a gift of suitable value. It's just good manners - isn't it? confused

This is a group of (I think) mere acquaintances, who have been happy to accept an invitation possibly offered out of politeness, but are squabbling over who can get away with paying the least amount towards a suitable and appropriate gift. I just think if it bothers you that much, decline the invitation.

NewtRipley Tue 29-Jul-14 13:54:37

This vehicles reversing

There are as many people on here who don't think it's stingy.

Also, I bet a few people who say it's stingy would be grateful for any gift, if chosen carefully/given with love

NewtRipley Tue 29-Jul-14 13:55:49

echt

Me either

All that is required of guests, in my opinion is to go and celebrate the marriage of someone they like/love. Call me old fashioned

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 14:04:52

vvviola That sounds like a cool present!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 29-Jul-14 14:09:43

This reminds me of those times where one goes out for a drink with friends who are in a couple who it becomes apparent think that the round-buying goes "your round - our round - your round - our round", i.e that the single person has to pay for half of all the drinks while each half of the couple only should only pay for a quarter of the drinks. Or like at a party when a single person brings a bottle of wine then a couple bring a bottle of wine between them. Always makes my blood boil!

The total spend of a group of people clubbing together for a present is not really the issue, as not everyone has a lot of money to begin with, but it's absolutely crazy that some people in that group would pay less because they're in a couple. So what?!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 14:24:12

Ilkely - Exactly!

Newt - this "gift" not been chosen with love or thought. This is a group "donation", with all of them trying to outdo each other as to how little they can get away with.

Not the same thing at all, as a friend who would be most welcome at a wedding venue, with or without a gift.

capsium Tue 29-Jul-14 14:26:56

I'd just shrug it off, up to them. Enjoy the wedding.

allmycats Tue 29-Jul-14 14:34:06

Each person pays the same - no questions, no arguing.

If I was the bride and knew what was going on I would not invite any of you !!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 14:35:31

So, OP: each of you (single or couple) buy your own card, include your own gift - dilemma solved. smile

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 15:48:21

The couple/round thing is so annoying!

Happy36 Tue 29-Jul-14 15:50:15

p.s. that was in response to/agreement with Ilkley. (Beautiful place, I visited on Sunday!)

BalloonSlayer Tue 29-Jul-14 16:04:49

Why do you all have to get together and work out how much you give?
You are all adults, you do not exist as a single entity. This is not an episode of Friends.

You and your DP can give £5, £50 or £5000 if you like, it's got sod all to do with anyone else.

SallyMcgally Tue 29-Jul-14 16:20:23

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

That is really rude. I don't think there's much truth in it either. I straddled both cultures for many years. Got married while in Ireland, was VERY grateful for wedding presents from both Brits and Irish which were very comparable. There was nobody spending 150 EURO, thank God. I'd have been horrified if there had been - I think that's a bloody ridiculous amount, especially if it's expected.

kali110 Tue 29-Jul-14 18:13:02

Agree with evans. Get your own card and give what you want! Then you don't have to argue over who pays what.
I wouldn't want that at my wedding. Id rather people if they wanted gave whatever they wanted, couldn't care less if it were stingy! Id just be happy people were there celebrating with me, thats much more important to me.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 29-Jul-14 18:42:52

<fist bumps Evans and Happy>

hmc Tue 29-Jul-14 18:54:56

It is indeed rude SallyMcGally - and borderline racist imo

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Tue 29-Jul-14 19:01:16

Aaww, thnks Ilkely - my first ever fist bump grin
skips off to kitchen in a very merry mood

reup Tue 29-Jul-14 19:43:57

When I was single it used to drive me mad that I bought something from a gift list and a couple would buy a similarly priced item but share the cost but still cost the b&g the same amount in terms of food and drink.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 30-Jul-14 12:13:27

Evans grin grin grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 30-Jul-14 13:32:13

Do people in Ireland really turn down weddings if they can't afford £150ish?!?!

That's ridiculous!

I got married really young and all my friends were all still students. I'd have been heartbroken if any of them hadn't come because they couldn't afford a ridiculous amount of money for a present.

Our wedding list included bubble tumblers - sold separately at 99p each! If I'd had my way everyone would have just bought us a box of chocolates. I like chocolates.

Who is in the right re: this depends on whether you see a wedding present as a token of affection for the bride and groom on their special day or a ticket to the event.

The £15 /£20 thing implies £10 of affection from the actual friends plus £5 per person ticket. By effectively making it £10 a person friend A is saying she has no affection for the bride and groom (at least none beyond that which the +1s have) but that the event is a £10 ticket.

EarthWindFire Wed 30-Jul-14 14:29:43

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

How rude and condescending!!!

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 14:39:59

Mumoftwoyoungkids I don't know about Ireland but in Spain people, including us, decline wedding invitations if you can't afford to pay the expected gift contribution.

In Spain, Germany and pethaps other countries, the idea is that each guest "pays his way" and therefore gives adequate cash to reimburse the bride and groom for what they have fed and watered him with. This way the guests can celebrate and enjoy seeing their relative or friend get married without leaving the young couple out of pocket when they will be going on to have a family of their own, buy a house, etc.

It's just a different tradition and doesn't equate to the UK cash or vouchers wedding gift as an alternative to a toaster, etc.

If we go to a UK wedding we get a gift from the list for 80-100 pounds. If we go to a Spanish wedding we give 400-500� in cash for our family. In both cases we are following tradition and they are not really comparable.

MsAspreyDiamonds Wed 30-Jul-14 14:54:33

�10 per head & that is the end of the discussion. B&G will be paying the meals per head so the cash gift should be given on a per head basis.

MsAspreyDiamonds Wed 30-Jul-14 14:57:53

Posted too soon. If you are giving as a group then gift contribution should be per head. There shouldnt be a discount for being in a couple which is why I think �10 is fairer.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:02:09

Sorry, not everybody and not every socio economic group in Ireland trips itself up in knots to give the right amount, whatever that might be. I guess I'd see it as sensible and frugal, also, big gifts can embarrass the recipient! Really! that is how my family sees it! we don't like to embarrass others by being too generous.

I've lived in both countries. My parents might be 70 but they'd be appalled by modern wedding lists and an outright request for cash. My brother sometimes gives me money for my birthday and calls it universal vouchers grin but I've never felt any embarrassment at all handing over a small quirky gift.

None of my relatives have judged me for not giving them 200 euro when they got married, I'm sure of that.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:04:38

I agree with PPs, I'm embarrassed on behalf of the poster who calls British people mean. Some of the Irish generosity is not sensible, or even real and there is a stereotype, the ludicrous pantomine where people prove their generosity racing to the bar, even if their children have no pencils.

CheerfulYank Wed 30-Jul-14 15:40:45

I'd have been horrified if someone had declined my wedding invitation because they couldn't afford a gift! shock

The gifts were lovely but I invited people I really wanted to join us on that day. Their attendance was the important thing.

Expecting a gift, how rude!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 30-Jul-14 15:50:09

Happy

It seems a really sad tradition. Like I said - I got married very young. If my friends had had to "pay their way" at our wedding I would have had no friends there. sad

silveroldie2 Wed 30-Jul-14 16:18:05

I don't understand why the couples pay less than a single person - that would piss me off a lot, not that I would be happy being associated with giving a gift of £75(?) from 7 people shock.

Serenitysutton
"I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish"

Not only insulting but untrue. I'm guessing you don't know the irish woman I once knew who would have sold her Mother's soul not to buy a round of drinks. We visited a Betty's cafe once when in Yorkshire and she wouldn't split the bill, preferring to only pay for what she ordered because what I ordered cost 22p more than hers. Now THAT's tight. Based on my experience WIBU to say that all irish are tight? Of course I would be.

missingwordsround Wed 30-Jul-14 16:38:12

YABU to expect everyone to not all pay the same, as this isn't a competition about how well you know the couple - you are all equally attending and eating, drinking and partying, I assume?

Personally, I think if you have accepted an invite, and someone else is paying for your food and entertainment for the whole day, it is good manners to take a token gift. FFS I take a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers or similar to a dinner party or beers/wine to a BBQ....

(£10 seems very tight for a wedding contribution to me --and I'm not even irish !!--)



we said no gifts at our wedding to try and avoid all this shit grin

flipchart Wed 30-Jul-14 16:44:33

Jesus £85 quid between 7 of you and there's quibbling!
Tight fuckers!!

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:15:49

silveroldie, I've found english and irish people to show equal amounts of generosity to the people they care about. The charade at the bar is often a pointless pantomime as there's an expectation that your drink will be paid for later. I am not as bad as your old acquaintance but I always opt out of rounds if I'm with a work crew (and as far as I know I'm not slagged off for doing this). Irish women often make a song and dance out of 'let me pay!', "no no no it's my turn", "No I insist, you paid for the PARKING", but between good friends, it all levels out in the end. So, it's a harmless pantomime in my opinion providing you don't have a friend like the betty's tea shop lady !!! and then people do quit the pantomime quickly enough! It takes two people and they both need to play their part for the pantomime to be successful and for everything to even out in the end! But you get one mean person and that person's friends and acquaintances won't play their part next time round.

So IN REAL TERMS at the end of the day as dublin taxi drivers would say, the english are just as generous in my opinion.

ChanelNumber19 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:16:45

I don't think I used the word pantomime enough there blush morto! are yiz scarleh for me

silveroldie2 Wed 30-Jul-14 18:28:09

There was a distinct lack of the word 'pantomime' ChanelNumber19. Tut, do try better next time grin

EthicalPickle Wed 30-Jul-14 18:29:07

You are definitely doing it in a weird way confused

I think you should all do your own thing with the cash. It does seem like a small amount [small]. I hope it's a pay bar wink

Leaving one person to pay £15 seems very unfair.

I really, really don't get your reasoning that because you are a plus one you see it that your DP is paying £15 and you are paying £5.

EthicalPickle Wed 30-Jul-14 18:31:35

It's true that wedding gifts are not 'tickets' but I agree with the PP who said I would take more than a £10's worth to a friends house if they invited me to a nice meal. I'd take a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine.

lostlalaloopsy Wed 30-Jul-14 18:36:34

Maybe you should all give individual gifts?

Are you going to the whole thing? If you are £15 is really miserable! I usually give £80 for the whole day, actually I usually give about £30 just for the evening.

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:11:49

Rejoined mumsnet after the password issues for this thread - I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding.

Maybe I am old fashioned but in my mind they are gifts to be put towards something else and I totally agree with the OP that plus ones would give less and that the fact that the people going to the wedding having partners that can't come too should be a factor. Maybe £15 from each of the proper friends and £5 from each of the partners going or not?

I have just sent a monetary gift to a wedding I couldn't attend and don't think I usually pay enough for my place if I do go (stingy).

I think the only solution is for each person/couple to do their own card and contribution separately to save arguments as I am obviously in the minority here with Lifesabeach.

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:13:53

surely the couple/parents budget for a wedding they can afford to pay for even if none gives them any gifts? Don't they?

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:23:40

Seranade Yes, and gifts (be they from a list, cash or anything else) are at the guests' discretion, as if you were going to any other kind of party and in the same way the host doesn't necessarily expect them.

In some other cultures, however, a cash donation to cover the wedding costs is expected by host and guest as a big, lavish affair is laid on and guests are happy to contribute as it's a beautiful and fun occasion for all but the cultural belief is that the young couple shouldn't have to pay for it themselves.

Two different cultures - not to be compared or combined

Laquitar Wed 30-Jul-14 22:23:36

I bet all the posters who are planning a wedding will frantically try to befriend few Irish!!

OP you all sound mean to me.

A mcdonalds meal will cost you more!

Essel Wed 30-Jul-14 22:53:20

YABU -

I dont get at all why couples would get a discount and £15 / £20 seems really, really stingy to me. Are you all students?

Jinsei Wed 30-Jul-14 23:16:05

*I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding."

Yes, I'm shocked by this too. Surely the bride and groom invite people to their wedding because they want those people to share their special day. Those who attend do so as guests of the happy couple, and the cost of their "places" must be figured into the total wedding budget.

There should be no expectation of gifts - the presence of loved ones should be enough. However, if friends and family choose to buy gifts or present money, that is entirely at their discretion. There can be no question in my mind of purchasing your place at the wedding with a gift/donation. What a horrible idea! If people want to sell tickets, the price should be clearly indicated on the invitation. hmm

I generally give gifts even when I cannot attend. If I did attend, I wouldn't think to spend more because DH was invited too. Regardless of who attends, any gifts would be from me and my family. As such, I don't think the single friends should put in any less than the couples.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:23:30

If the gift is from a group of seven individuals then the amount put in should be evenly divided by seven, surely.
But if the names of the "single" guests' partners are included, the amount should be evenly split between each couple. Especially if the other halves were invited.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:24:42

Also, I think disposable income should usually be taken into account if there's a significant diffence. So if one couples rolling in it (comparatively) in my circle, that couple might make the amount up to something nice and round.

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