What would you expect your DH to do?

(312 Posts)
notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 16:55:24

Last night, I went out for a meal with some friends for a friends birthday

I drove back to our house as i am 30 weeks pregnant and wasn't drinking but everyone else was (the car was full). I drove because the taxi from our house to the restaurant and back again was £50 each way. So I thought seeing as I wasn't drinking, i would save everyone (including myself) some extra cash.

During the drive back from the restaurant , in the dark, in country lanes, with me driving, when I braked to go around a corner, a friend of my DH thumped the back of my seat, violently to mimic a head hitting the back of it. He was told off by my DH as in "Come on man...." but then did it again at some traffic lights later on in the journey. I got disorientated and almost went through a red light.

We got to our destination and I screamed at him to get out of the car. He said "Hit me then". I shouted "Get out of the f***ing car otherwise i f***ing will....get out of my sight".

I went straight to bed, sobbing my eyes out, woke up the next morning and the friend was gone. DH says that he spoke to him and that he was sorry and that he shouldn't have done it. But no apology to me??

Part of me expected my DH to be a bit more brutal with him, after all i was driving.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 16:59:33

What exactly did you want your H to do? Have you apologised for screaming and swearing?

I get that he annoyed and frustrated you but it does sound like you over reacted.

Numanoid Mon 28-Jul-14 17:02:22

YABU. A better way to deal with it would have been to say "that is disorientating me and making me nervous, could you please stop?" You lost any right to an apology after you started screaming and swearing at him. I'm not trying to be harsh on you, but if I were your husband, I'd be mortified that you did that.

Spinaroo Mon 28-Jul-14 17:02:35

I think it sounds ok- would you have rather he woke you up to apologise? He probably my feels bad about it but thought it hilarious whilst he was drunk. I don't think it's worth your dh or you bring any more brutal.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:03:41

Sorry i disagree with you there...I don't think swearing was over reacting when he was deliberately trying to distract me by punching the back of my chair when I was driving at night, with a car full of people. Very dangerous.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:04:39

hat is disorientating me and making me nervous, could you please stop?"

Have you ever said that to a drunk person? Given that I said his name loudly the first time, that didn't work.

Fudgeface123 Mon 28-Jul-14 17:04:39

Brutal???

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:04:58

and he did it a second time!

ICanSeeTheSun Mon 28-Jul-14 17:05:39

I think you already had a word with him when he got out of the car.

He wouldn't be getting a lift in future.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:06:06

Part of me thinks he should have got him to apologise to me given I had given them all a lift home!

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:06:18

Swearing and screaming was an over reaction. Someone hitting the back of your seat would obviously piss you off, but not make you lose control.

NatashaBee Mon 28-Jul-14 17:06:49

This would have scared the crap out of me too, but I don't think your DH did anything wrong. He did tell the idiot guy off at the time, and spoke to him afterwards.

Why didn't you tell him to stop?

If I had been driving I would have calmly pulled over the car to a safe stop and asked him to get out or promise not to do that again while I was driving. I would not have left it up to my DP to deal with it.

Sounds like a horrible situation, but at least he has apologised.

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:07

He sounds like a bit of a twat but I also think you massively overreacted. Is there any bad blood between you and your husband's friend?

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:08

This is the thing, my DH was just like 'He was drunk' and shrugged his shoulders. Yes, but him hitting the back of a drivers seat, in the middle of the night, when i was nervously trying to get us all home could have resulted in an accident!

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:15

Your H can't make someone apologise, if you want an apology why don't you contact this person and speak to him about it?

RiverTam Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:25

I think your DH did fine there.

Just leave it. The guy was being a drunken arse, that's all. No harm done.

BolshierAyraStark Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:52

I think what your DH did was sufficient tbh, it does sound like an over reaction on your part.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 17:07:54

I get that it was distracting.

You DH did speak to him as he did it and afterwards. What else could he do? Have a punch up with him while you were driving? THAT would've been distracting.

I think your 4th paragraph of OP seems a bit of an overreaction.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:08:15

Are you a nervous driver already?

Numanoid Mon 28-Jul-14 17:08:57

Have you ever said that to a drunk person? Given that I said his name loudly the first time, that didn't work.

I didn't know you'd said his name before, but what I suggested was just a general way of saying, asking him to stop might have been better.

It is to be expected that drunk people are going to be annoying, might have been better asking them to get a taxi. Sorry, but I don't think it's ever nice to start shouting and swearing at someone, then threatening to hit them. If DP did that I would be so embarrassed, and would apologise to the friend, not ask him to be the one apologising.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 17:09:03

He said 'Hit me then'?

Why on earth would he say that? Were you toe to toe, or were you both still in the car?

Coconutty Mon 28-Jul-14 17:10:04

YABU and I think your DH no doubt had to apologise to his friend on your behalf.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:10:42

Thats true.

There isn't any bad blood per se but he does have a history of being a bit of a twat sometimes and taking things too far. Not just with me, but DH says there has been plenty of times he's cringed at things he has done.

He had spent the night telling me i was boring because i wouldn't drink. Hello...I'm pregnant? We aren't supposed to get pissed!!!

PleaseJustShootMeNow Mon 28-Jul-14 17:10:44

I also think shouting and swearing is out of order. In that situation I would have stopped the car first time and told him if it happened again he'd be taking Shanks's pony. Second time he'd have been out. You were driving, you were in charge.

Coconutty Mon 28-Jul-14 17:11:07

Sorry, meant to add that I would expect my DH to apologise for my behaviour if I wasn't around to do it myself.

GobblersKnob Mon 28-Jul-14 17:11:20

I wouldn't have expected dh to do anything, I would have dealt with itself, I'd have asked him to stop and then just ignored him as I would a child doing the same.

Its a bit irritating but really shouldn't be enough to make you nearly go through a red light?

steff13 Mon 28-Jul-14 17:13:01

Are you a nervous driver already?

This^^ Someone hitting the back of my seat wouldn't have bothered me. My reaction would have been along the lines of "ha ha, very funny," the first time, and ignore the subsequent time. I drive three kids around; if I got distracted by every bump and yell I don't know what I'd do.

If it was bothering you, he should have stopped, but yelling and swearing was an over the top reaction, I think.

LilyandGinger Mon 28-Jul-14 17:13:50

I would have calmly pulled over and stopped the car. I would have made it quite clear that the next time it happened he would be continuing the rest if the journey in foot. I would have expected my DH to support me in that.

I wouldn't have screamed or sworn, it so rarely gets the right reaction (as shown in your case).

Going to bed sobbing seems to be an overreaction but I'll give you a pass as your hormones will be all over the place.

You probably would have got an apology were it not for the screaming and swearing.

Slightly concerned you wanted your DH to be more 'brutal' - what were you wanting him to do?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jul-14 17:14:23

I would have pulled over and told him to get the fuck out of the car.

He was being an arse hole and fuckng dangerous with it.

Leave it with your dh sorting it, you have bigger fish to fry with the new baby!

Congratulations !!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:14:32

Numanoid- I don't think i 'threatened to hit him'. He asked me to (oddly) and I said "Just get put of the car, get out". He responded 'Hit me then, I said, get out before i do". There was no way I was gritting my teeth or squaring up to him.

Coconutty- No he didn't. NH and his best mate told the friend he'd been a twat because what he did could have caused an accident.

What a loser.

Are you really that nervous a driver? Wow.

magpiegin Mon 28-Jul-14 17:16:46

I agree that he was being a drunken twat, but your reaction was really over the top. He probably (mistakenly) thought he was being funny.

If you're upset then you contact him and ask for an apology, why does your husband have to do this on your behalf?

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:17:55

I really don't get the reactions of people on here.

He nearly contributed to what would have been quite a serious accident, could have injured and/or killed 6 people. I think using a four letter word and getting upset was reasonable! I'd been trying to do them all a favour and thats what he did!

i asked him once and then he did it again!!!

LilyandGinger Mon 28-Jul-14 17:18:07

I've just seen he was teasing you about not drinking.

Oh my.

I'm not sure there is hope if anyone quite that idiotic - just calmly refuse to ever give him a lift again.

RiverTam Mon 28-Jul-14 17:18:30

well, hang on, you've gone from 'screaming' and 'shouting' (in your OP) to 'saying'. Not really the same, changes entirely what went on.

TBH, lesson learnt - don't be the designated driver to more than one drunk person at a time!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:19:20

Yeah hearts, I really don't like being punched in the back of a headrest, at 1am in the morning, twice, by a drunk person when Im driving 6 people around.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 17:20:01

notkatemiddleton

Coconutty- No he didn't. NH and his best mate told the friend he'd been a twat because what he did could have caused an accident

Well what else are you expecting him to do then? He's told the man he was a twat.

MrsJossNaylor Mon 28-Jul-14 17:20:02

YABU. Screaming, swearing and going to bed sobbing because somebody drunkenly hit your chair twice?
You need to calm down.

That said, when I was 30 weeks pregnant I once got scared driving up a remote country hill at night, in the dark. I'm not usually a nervous driver, perhaps it was the hormones.

I wouldn't have screamed and sworn at a friend of my DHs though. I bet your husband was very embarrassed.

fairylightsintheloft Mon 28-Jul-14 17:20:21

I think you overreacted but to be honest I'm more concerned about how relatively little has to happen for you to be distracted to the point of nearly running a red light. How are you going to cope when you have one or more small people in the car screaming and yelling that one hit the other or stole their biscuit or whatever, or throws their teddy over the top of your chair? I agree the guy was being a twat but I'm afraid I agree with your DH that he was drunk, being an idiot and has now gone. By all means refuse to give him a lift again.

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Jul-14 17:20:31

Headrest or seat? Screaming or saying?

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:20:40

Now you are over reacting. He nearly killed or seriously injured 6 people? Were the other passengers as alarmed as you were if it was that bad?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 17:21:08

Your friend sounds like a rude idiot before he even got in the car - mocking the person who is doing him a favour and saving him £50?

If your DH told him he'd been a twat and he realised it and apologised, I don't know what else DH could have done. When friend did it once and you told him not to, neither you or DH knew he would do it again - presumably after the second time, he stopped. Also, how could friend have apologised to you as you were in bed? He may apologise directly when he next sees you.

It would have freaked me out too - your instinct of "shit, I hit something in the dark" would kick in before your "oh, it's that twat in the back" thought.

LilyandGinger Mon 28-Jul-14 17:21:23

The point is notkate your reaction also nearly contributed to an accident.

You allowed yourself to get so angry you weren't in control of the car. As driver you really need to keep calm in these situations.

Screaming and swearing didn't help the situation it just wound you up further.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:21:51

Yup, I am NEVER being a designated driver again!!!!

Looking back, i don't think I was screaming as i was too upset. I probably raised my voice. I can't remember that much, I was so upset!

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:23:29

Actually if his conduct was having such a detrimental impact on your driving then it was irresponsible of you to continue driving. You are the driver and in control of that vehicle and if you can't do it safely you need to stop and do whatever you need to do to be able to continue driving safely. And if that meant chucking him out then that's what you needed to do.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 17:24:33

To be fair re the swearing, if OP screamed get out of the car and his response to that, to a pregnant woman, was that she should hit him - that's pretty odd on his part, like a refusal to get out unless she hit him.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jul-14 17:24:47

Eeer he could have caused an accident ....

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 17:25:19

notkatemiddleton

He nearly contributed to what would have been quite a serious accident, could have injured and/or killed 6 people.

I'm going to leave this thread now as you're 30 weeks pg and don't need the likes of me piling in with YABU YABU. But, nothing actually happened. You nearly ran a red light. You didn't screech, skid or flip the car. Yet you've shouted, sobbed and swore. In the nicest possible way, calm down.

burgatroyd Mon 28-Jul-14 17:25:51

He sounds like an idiot. I would have yelled at him too.

WyrdByrd Mon 28-Jul-14 17:26:03

I'm surprised OP's getting such a flamng here tbh.

OK, she might have overreacted a bit, but at 30 weeks pg, late at night in muggy weather with car full of people on a country lane and someone you're trying to help starts being a total arse - I think you're allowed to get a bit upset and hormonal.

I actually think he did well to finish his journey - he'd have been walking home from the traffic lights after the second incident if I'd have been driving.

Having said that, I'm not sure your DH could have done any more than he did - probably best to just move on and avoid giving this idiot lifts or socialising with him at all if possible in future.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 28-Jul-14 17:26:21

Sorry op, this sounds horrible. My DH firstly would not have expected me to be the driver let alone give other people a lift home at 30 weeks. And if anyone did what your friend did he would have dealt with his friend right then and there! Your DH should have done something, not sit back and allow this drunk man /friend frighten his wife and knock the back of his seat!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:26:39

ABland- Thats exactly how i felt, I was like 'What the hell was THAT?!!'

Sorry Lily, you weren't there. Nothing I did could have contributed to an accident. the first time, when I was doing about 40mph on a country lane, i was shocked, wondered what had happened and then when i was told it was him, i said his name really loudly "Frank, if you do that again you are walking home".

The second time he did it, I was preparing to break at traffic lights. I could have easily crashed, but i gathered myself quickly enough to park.

Bowlersarm Mon 28-Jul-14 17:27:32

I can see why it upset you. After all you were tired, being kind and driving everyone to save everyone the cost and inconvenience of getting a taxi, and the friend was being an immature idiot.

I think your husband has done enough though.

If you want to take it further, it's up to you to speak to the guy, not your DH.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:27:57

Thank you WyrdByrd!

It's not your DH's job - by making him speak for you, you're reinforcing that you're not in charge and don't deserve your "friend's" respect.

WyrdByrd Mon 28-Jul-14 17:29:47

TBF I have form for kicking my DH out and making him walk home when he was in backseat driver mode, so my opinion is probably not the most balanced one you're going to get grin!

notagainffffffffs Mon 28-Jul-14 17:29:47

Yanbu. He should apologise to you, not just dh.

magpiegin Mon 28-Jul-14 17:30:12

How fast were you going to nearly kill you all? Seriously, yes I think we all agree he was being a twat but you were in charge of the car, if it caused you that much worry that you nearly ran a red light it is your responsibility to pull over and calm down (and possibly tell him to get out).

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 17:31:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:31:51

Just to clarify he didn't hit it twice.

He hit the back of my headrest on my seat about three times REALLY VIOLENTLY on 2 occasions.

This is not something that a child could do as he is a grown man of 34, I could deal with my DH and his drunken friends messing about in the back of the car and singing and i can deal with my children messing about screaming/kicking my chair.

But having your head punched forwards like that was not nice.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:33:05

LaQueen I am reporting you that was totally unnecessary. You are nasty.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:34:41

BTW you need to read posts properly, I was not asking my DH for an apology.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 17:35:12

It kinda sounds like as this thread progresses you are trying to make his behaviour worse and yours better....it's went from the back of the seat being struck to your head being punched forwards. I think if you said that in the first post the responses might have been somewhat different.

But I think your first post may be the more accurate one.

Wow, I am going to go against the prevailing verging on victim blaming mode and say that shouting and swearing is not worse than someone deliberately distracting a driver, at night on windy lanes, with a car full of people.

He was behaving like an utter dick and deserved to be shouted and sworn at.

But not sure what else your DH could have done. I think you dealt with it fine yourself at the time smile and also flowers because that must have been horrid.

Nomama Mon 28-Jul-14 17:36:33

NU. He sounds like my BIL who used to swear at taxi drivers then get upset when they kicked him out before he thought he was close enough to home - the swearing was his idea of how to get a free ride home. He never gave a thought to the rest of us in the cab. I used to tell the driver to pull over and let hm out and that we would pay, just to get rid of him.

He needs burying up to his neck in syrup and being introduced to a hill of ants.

He was a total twat and, whilst I do think you are massively overthinking the possible consequences I can see why and don't blame you at all.

Tell your DH to keep him well away from you for the forseeable future as you have no intention of being polite to him, in any way.

Then get on with enjoying your pregnancy.

Basically, that little boy is not worth another thought. Sod him!

Primadonnagirl Mon 28-Jul-14 17:37:35

Well I do think " sobbing my eyes out " is a bit of an overreaction..plus you have asked us to consider whether you were being unreasonable so don't get defensive if some people think you were..cos equally some people agree with you..But you asked!!!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:38:05

Unfortunately WyrdBird, we were almost home by the time he did it a second time. I won't be driving him anywhere again!

Nomama Mon 28-Jul-14 17:39:49

Heavily pregnant, hormonal, over protective and scared by a pissed up wanker, a total dickhead in the small hours of the morning.

Yeah, having a shout really was OTT, wasn't it?

OP. Ignore, hide the thread and shout 'fuck 'em all' at the top of your voice.

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 17:39:59

Seriously...do some women really expect their DHs to speak for them...why can't these women speak for themselves?

As for 'you poor thing, you shouldn't have even been driving at 30 weeks, let alone at night, in the dark...'

Have I inadvertently slipped back in time to the 1950s???

If one of DH's friends was deliberately rude to me... I would deal with it, because I am a fully functioning adult woman who wouldn't dream of 'hiding behind ma big, strong man' while I simpered in the background.

I'd have stopped the car the first time he did it and told him to get the fuck out. But I have a low tolerance for arsewipes.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:40:17

Nickynakey- Nope, not at all. As people are asking questions and i am thinking more about it, more is coming back to me on reflection!

BalloonSlayer Mon 28-Jul-14 17:41:08

My brother in law once did a similar thing to me when I was quite a new driver and reversing in a tight space. He punched the side of the car so I would think I had hit the wall. I screamed and swore at him and he apologised. He was not drunk and I was not pregnant or vulnerable. I did not feel that I acted inappropriately - I thought he did, you do not do that to a new driver who is giving you a lift so you can have a drink and who is struggling to park her first ever pride-and-joy car.

Years later, DH was my new boyfriend and parking his car outside his house. A cat was prowling around and DH mentioned having to be careful of the cat. Just as a joke, I made a loud "wweeeeeeoowwww" noise like a cat in pain. Unfortunately, DH did not yet know me well enough to know that my cat (and other) impressions are absolutely top notch. He nearly jumped out of his seat and looked completely horrified. I immediately apologised profusely! I felt terrible. I thought he would laugh, I never thought for a moment that he would think it was real. If he had given me an earful I would have accepted it - I deserved one.

vestandknickers Mon 28-Jul-14 17:41:28

What a drama over nothing! Drunk people can be annoying, but there's no reason to make such an almighty fuss about it. It sounds to me as if you just wanted to be centre of attention.

He was stupid, you were over dramatic and sweary and I think you both owed each other an apology.

SarcyMare Mon 28-Jul-14 17:41:46

we are not victim blaming, we are all agreeing the guy was a dick, we are just trying to get the OP to agree she may have overreacted?
and that getting her OH to manange it is just reinforcing the "little woman" stereotype.

If one of DH's friends was deliberately rude to me... I would deal with it, because I am a fully functioning adult woman who wouldn't dream of 'hiding behind ma big, strong man' while I simpered in the background

She did deal with it. She told him how angry his idiotic behaviour had made her. Nothing the OP has posted leads me to conclude that she wants to simper behind her husband like a fragile 50s wife. She sounds like she had a horrible experience and was looking for solidarity from him.

<shrug>

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 17:42:02

". I won't be driving him anywhere again!"

A good decision!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:42:41

LaQueen- Again- i don't think anyone said I shouldn't be driving.

pictish Mon 28-Jul-14 17:43:02

I think you handled it badly by yourself.
Not sure why you need your dh to do anything.

Bourdic Mon 28-Jul-14 17:43:04

Another one with you OP - I would never have in my house again let alone in my car

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 17:44:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:44:30

Absolutely, if it was one of my friends then i would have been absolutely mortified if they had done that to my DH when he'd driven us home from a night out.

Iownathreeinchferrari Mon 28-Jul-14 17:45:01

We have one rule in our car and that's don't distract the driver. Next time stop the car and refuse to move till he gets out.

Iownathreeinchferrari Mon 28-Jul-14 17:45:42

I think the man is responsible not your DH though

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 28-Jul-14 17:45:43

I would have been really upset by this too, op.

Not your DH's attitude, I think he was fine, but by the twat in your car. I wouldn't give him a lift again, and I probably wouldn't bother with him again.

In hindsight, I'd have pulled over and told him to get out. However, you did the best you could. Horrible situation. Impossible to understand his motive really, other than he's a complete dickt.

LilyandGinger Mon 28-Jul-14 17:45:45

Ok Notkate you are right I wasn't there. I'm only going by your post and you said that you got so flustered you nearly ran a red light.

I was trying to be helpful but I'm going to leave this thread now as it doesn't seem productive for you and you seem upset.

Shonajay Mon 28-Jul-14 17:45:59

I think if it affected you so much you should have stopped the car and got him out the first time. It clearly made you so angry it affected your concentration, as in you got even more upset when it happened the second time. I'd never give him a lift again, either, but if I wanted an apology I'd phone him today, right now and ask for one.

He sounds like an immature total knob, but you do always need to stay calm while driving- I once got a bottle of milk thrown by a toddler in my face when two people were fighting in the back seat. I had to wait until the next stopping opportunity to stop the car and sort it out.

Shonajay Mon 28-Jul-14 17:48:03

And I'm not being nasty, I promise, but I really think you should contact him- you sound like me, I'd stew and stew about it if I didn't, and it also reinforces to him what a dick he was.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 17:49:32

I really don't get why people think shouting and swearing at this idiot was over-reaction. OP was 30 weeks pregnant and driving a number of people in dark country lanes when one of them out of the blue hits the back of her seat violently and succeeds in his aim of making her think there has been an accident and she has injured someone. I don't know about you, but in that situation I'd probably jump a mile, and would be pretty shaken up and jumpy. If people are seriously saying, from the comfort of their seats in front of a keyboard or phone, that they would have taken that calmly, I just don't believe them.

Then, having specifically been told not to do it again, the twat does so, nearly causing an accident. Having been told off at least twice, he then thinks it appropriate to start trying to pick a physical fight with a pregnant woman who has just been doing him a favour.

And all you people are saying OP was in the wrong to be shocked and angry about the whole thing? Really??????? What world are you living in?

Nomama Mon 28-Jul-14 17:51:03

No LaQueen, but you can take from another anonymous poster that your tone and responses have been pissy and unecessarily superior. Not to mention misrepresenting the situation as OP described it.

'hiding behind ma big, strong man' while I simpered in the background and the 1950s housewife comment had nothing to do with the OPs tale. She did deal with the eejit at the time. She just wants her DH to be more obviously with her than the eejit. That's called mutual support in unecessary times.

Your reaction maybe more to do with you than her!

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 17:51:50

Not victim blaming...there isn't even a victim here, is there?

This is Am I Being Unreasonable ...it is not Soothe Me With Sentimental Solidarity...

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:52:55

LaQueen- Well we are going to have to agree to disagree on that as I think calling anyone a 'petulant' 'diva' in any circumstances when you have a snapshot of their life is rather nasty and frankly, goading. "Running to MNHQ" makes you sound like a bully. And the very fact that you said you said that doesn't make you look any less goading or nasty. Good luck!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 17:53:25

LaQueen- I think you need to go now.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 17:53:26

Yes, he tried to pick a physical fight with a pregnant woman, who was still in her car.

Bloody horrible behaviour, vile man.

DoJo Mon 28-Jul-14 17:55:11

OP - you have heard the thoughts of several people who disagree with the way you have handled things, and you still don't think you were being unreasonable, so perhaps you just need to have the courage of your convictions and leave this thread to die a death. It seems to be descending rapidly and isn't sparking much in the way of productive discussion.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 17:55:30

No, it isn't SMWSS - but "silly fool" and "petulant diva" are on the PA side of the line, even if you did put a "your post makes you sound like" in there.

Have you read the Site Stuff thread on AIBU?

LightastheBreeze Mon 28-Jul-14 17:55:35

It sounds awful OP, being stuck in the car with a load of drunk people, having the back of the seat thumped whilst your trying to drive and being quite heavily pregnant also. Next time I would make DH drive regardless of whether you're drinking or not, his friend sounds really childish.

As for pulling over in a dark country road with a car full of drunk passengers and having a go, I don't think that would have been a very good idea.

Notkate it sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back to me. He was winding you up calling you boring all evening then he does something stupid in the car, even after being told not to. I suspect if he hadn't been winding you up all evening you may not have got so angry with him? Anyway, you all got home safely, your DH did tell him off at the time, so IMO no harm done. You now have a very good excuse to refuse to drive for him again smile

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 28-Jul-14 17:56:46

What sort of cock deliberately frightens a driver? That's what I can't understand.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 17:58:48

Op, you need one of those bus driver signs "Passengers must not lean forward from this notice. Or behave like drunken cockferrets."

basgetti Mon 28-Jul-14 18:00:44

He deliberately tried to frighten you, doing it again even when you'd warned him not to, and then tries to engage you in a physical fight. And people think you overreacted? Well actually they probably don't, some posters just see AIBU as an excuse to give someone a kicking. If you had posted from the perspective of the passenger that you had repeatedly hit the headrest of a heavily pregnant woman you would have been called all sorts and told you were lucky you were only shouted at.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 18:00:57

Well yes, I'd be pleased at the opportunity to dump the immature twat.

Backinthering Mon 28-Jul-14 18:01:22

AIBU at its finest I see.
He sounds like a cock, you swearing at him was perfectly reasonable and I would have done the same. He behaved dangerously.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:02:26

My thoughts exactly. Why oh why?

Summary of this thread for me is:

I am never driving drunk people anywhere ever again (poor taxi drivers)
My DH was reasonable and did enough.
My DH friend is an arsehole

AutumnshadesofGold Mon 28-Jul-14 18:03:44

Really not sure why 30 wks pregnant is overly relevant - does it render you incapable of driving sensibly?
He was a knob, you were a drama queen. It's a new day so just let it go grin

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:04:23

Basgetti- When you put it like that, i am sure that AIBU would have been all over him!

I still don't get why he asked me to hit him. He knew I wouldn't have done it. DH says "Meh he was drunk".

wannaBe Mon 28-Jul-14 18:04:45

What a load of drama.
Drunk people are annoying, swearing at him at the time was fine IMO is probably have done the same. But going to bed sobbing and still dwelling on it the next day is meladramatic.
You didn't crash the car, nothing actually happened, and your dh isn't responsible for friend'a behavior

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 18:05:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 18:05:14

Basgetti, imagine:

'AIBU to have got pissed and tried to get a pregnant woman to drink alcohol all evening, insult her when she wouldn't, expect her to drive me home whilst I carrying on insulting her and hitting the back of her driving seat a couple if times, and finally inviting her out to have a physical fight?'

Charming.

LaQueenLovesSummer Mon 28-Jul-14 18:06:25

wannabe I haven't seen you in forever...mwah, mwah...

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:07:05

No not really, i drive quite a lot so only reason why its relevant is it was reason i wasn't drinking and possibly why I might have reacted the way I did (the crying thing)....am not normally a crier at all!

LightastheBreeze Mon 28-Jul-14 18:08:22

Being 30 weeks pregnant does not make you incapable of driving sensibly but it is not good to have some drunken idiot thumping the back of the seat and probably making the driver jerk forward in the seatbelt.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 18:08:28

Maybe you were upset, OP, because you had an upsetting evening.

YouTheCat Mon 28-Jul-14 18:09:59

Don't dwell on it.

He's clearly a twat.

Definitely don't offer him a lift ever again.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:11:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

basgetti Mon 28-Jul-14 18:15:57

Really not sure why 30 wks pregnant is overly relevant - does it render you incapable of driving sensibly?

Well it would be relevant to me, in that I would feel protective and vulnerable to injury, and be concerned about a crash in the same way I would if I had my DC in the car.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jul-14 18:15:57

YWNBU, What he did would have really freaked me out. I am a nervy driver, and he could have caused an accident. He was being a complete fuckwit

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 18:21:04

"Well it would be relevant to me, in that I would feel protective and vulnerable to injury, and be concerned about a crash in the same way I would if I had my DC in the car."

Agree.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 18:28:33

I wonder what would have happened if this twat had tried that in a cab? I strongly suspect he'd have found himself out on the pavement walking within seconds of the first incident.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:27

I'm sure i wouldn't have cried about it if i wasn't pregnant. But then again, i wouldn't have been driving if i wasn't pregnant as i would have been drinking!

I guess a part of me has felt more 'cautious' since I got pregnant. Not sure however, if that has anything to do with it.

FourEyesGood Mon 28-Jul-14 18:29:42

YANBU for being annoyed with the passenger.
YANBU for wanting an apology for his dickish behaviour.
YABU to expect your DH to extract the apology for you (isn't a second-hand apology a bit crap anyway?). Maybe it's the thread title that's the problem here? It's about your DH, when really you don't seem that cross with him; rather, you're furious with the drunken idiot.
YABU for basically cheering those posters who agree with you, and arguing with those who don't. It seems like bad form.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and try not to let things wind you up so much.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 28-Jul-14 18:32:36

Agree that he was a fuckwit. Going against the grain here, as he is a friend of your DH's I would have expected your DH to have told him to stop the first time. Then when he didn't I would have expected your DH to deal with him.

Yes you overreacted but I'm sure being 30 weeks pregnant driving around at 1am didn't help things.

The only other thing your DH may have thought is that his friend was so drunk and aggressive that intervening might have made him worse...

LightastheBreeze Mon 28-Jul-14 18:34:37

Actually what you're DH should have done is made you stop the car and threw him out on the way home so he could walk home. I'm surprised he didn't.

wannaBe Mon 28-Jul-14 18:36:35

oooh hello laqueen. :-)

I hardly think this is "ibu at its finest." I am generally of the view that ibu is a bit of a free for all where people use the ibu tag to say whatever they want
without good reason. but in this case the op has hardly been ripped apart - she has rightly been told she is being over dramatic.

Drunk people are annoying. and yes, I agree I wouldn't want to be a taxi driver at night for any money. But in the light of day the drunk person has sobered up and the sober person has presumably got over whatever the drunken idiot was doing while being a drunken idiot. And while banging on a car seat is stupid behaviour, it's not up there with violence etc it is just stupid idiotic drunken behaviour.

Fwiw I am more or less teetotal and I am probably as intolerant of drunk people as it gets. But I still think that sobbing and expecting the dh to have done more is creating a drama out of nothing.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 18:36:46

Chipped- I think you are right on that one, perhaps DH having a go at him or whatever wouldn't have made much sense to him as he clearly wasn't thinking like a sober person would.

I have actually taken a lot on board from this thread. for example, Yes, I prob shouldn't have sworn, i should have just dumped him in the countryside! haha! he'd probably still be walking now.

CrimeaRiver Mon 28-Jul-14 18:44:09

But why would you need your DH to fight your fights for you?

If you've got a problem with the drunk friend, you deal with it. Why does your DH need to intervene?

^Not victim blaming...there isn't even a victim here, is there?

This is Am I Being Unreasonable ...it is not Soothe Me With Sentimental Solidarity…^

Yeah, all the earlier stuff about shouting and swearing being worse than putting a car of people in danger because one is a drunk twat, all the stuff about drama and over reaction? Maybe victim blaming was the wrong term, but it ain't kind or necessary.

And AIBU doesn't equal Put The Boot In Wherever Possible, does it confused. At least it shouldn't.

What do people actually get out of posting unkindly, to hurt? There are ways to disagree that don't drip with contempt for another person.

LightastheBreeze Mon 28-Jul-14 18:47:53

It wasn't the OP's friend though, it was her DH's friend so why should she deal with him.

kali110 Mon 28-Jul-14 18:51:25

Op i dont think yabu at all. I don't think you overreacted either!
Don't think you should give him a lift ever again either.

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 28-Jul-14 18:52:12

Yanbu op, usual mumsnet spiteful reactions.

What he did was idiotic and dangerous, he shouldn't drink if he can't handle his booze.

Next time don't offer to drive.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 28-Jul-14 18:52:52

I would have thought someone else could have dealt with him so that the OP could get on with driving undistracted! It had nothing to do with 'hiding behind her husband', it's standard, in my experience, that if a drunk person is being a dick and disturbing the driver, the other passengers step in.

I've had people do that loud thump behind the headrest, and it's bloody horrible. Really gives you a start.

YANBU and the drunk fuckwit owes you an apology.

PasswordProtected Mon 28-Jul-14 18:54:34

Are you not a good driver? Are you normally a nervous driver?
The guy was stupid to do what he did, but my reaction would have been to tell him to stop or I would stop the car & he could walk the rest if the way home.
If you are in the driver's seat, you are in charge, like the captain of a 'plane, not your husband or anyone else.
If you get disorientated by relatively small distractions on a route I assume you know, how are you going to do with small people in the car?

CrimeaRiver Mon 28-Jul-14 18:56:10

Lightas

Seriously?! OP knew this person well enough to have him in her car. In my book that means she is entitled to talk to him. Does the DH have a monopoly on addressing his friends??

There's no 'dealing' involved. All she has to do is, in a civil fashion, tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable, endangered the life of 5 other people and as a consequence she will not have him in her car any longer.

Is that so difficult?!

Pastperfect Mon 28-Jul-14 18:56:21

OP if the way in which you are conducting yourself on this thread (melodramatic, stroppy with those posters with whom you don't agree, and PA) bears any similarities to the way in which you behaved last night I think YABU.

You were annoyed by a drunk person who subsequently apologised via your DH. No harm done.

OnlyLovers Mon 28-Jul-14 18:56:32

YANBU and I can't believe some of the responses here! In my book the swearing and raising your voice to him were completely justified by him a) acting like a twat in the first place and b) continuing to do so even when asked not to.

My DP would have demanded that his friend apologise to me, direct, in person. But then again I can't imagine any of my DP's friends (or mine) behaving like that.

I don't think 'he was drunk' is any kind of a defence for a grown-up, either.

People asking if the OP is always a nervous driver, that's ridiculous. Someone behaving like that would put ANYONE on the alert.

U2TheEdge Mon 28-Jul-14 19:01:39

I would have shouted at a drunk man violently hitting my seat as well.

Sorry, but I am not the kind of person to ask nicely after the first time someone has done something to piss me off. I would have asked nicely the first time but if he ignored me I would have swore at him too.

You were scared and you did nothing wrong.

Some people on AIUB will try to paint you as hysterical and tell you it was wrong to swear (probably while using the word 'cunt' all over the board) but you did nothing wrong.

My husband would have told him to cut it out there and then, unless he was drunk and lacking awareness.

LightastheBreeze Mon 28-Jul-14 19:02:13

If I was driving the car and one of my DH's twattish friends, not my friend I add, did that I would expect DH to deal with him as it would be him that bought him along. He had already spent the whole evening goading the OP to drink when pregnant and driving, that does not sound like it was any friend of the OPs

He should have been thrown out of the car to walk home.

I also don't think you can talk civilly to a drunken lout.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 28-Jul-14 19:03:12

Hey notkate - some people have been really dickish on here. I would have been raging and I'm not even pregnant. Driving a heavy car full of people along unlit roads at night, especially when they're being drunk and probably noisy, might not be rocket science but it does mean you have to concentrate. Nigel or whatever he's called has clearly got a drunk-immature-twat problem, and he must have known he was risking making you do something silly, and that you would get angry, when he hit your seat. That's probably why he was doing it! Because you were the sensible, sober, pregnant wife and he wants to get a telling off to show how cool and rebellious and downright HILARIOUS he is. Pfft. Well, he got what he wanted. I'd probably be emailing/texting him to say in clear terms why he was a dangerous prat and you won't be bothering to give him a lift again.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 28-Jul-14 19:03:56

And yes, I would definitely have pulled over and asked what the fucking fuck he thought he was doing. He's a grown man FGS he knows how cars work.

U2TheEdge Mon 28-Jul-14 19:04:40

I don't believe anyone here would not have got angry if someone was punching their seat and then threatened to hit them.

Some people just like being disagreeable while blaming the innocent party who happened to only swear at someone acting aggressively while you were driving him around.

Only on MN's.

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 28-Jul-14 19:05:18

Oh and NotKAteMIddleton, I'm not sure if you have children, but this is in no way comparable to what children do in cars. Children are better behaved.

For one your driving conditions were poor, dark, country lanes, car full of people and late.

My ds can chatter away to me in the back but if I say shh mummy is concentrating on driving, he gets that and shuts up.

A bit distracting having a crying baby or toddler but at least they don't square up to you, no way comparable to punching your seat to make you jump.

coppertop Mon 28-Jul-14 19:12:50

I think anyone who deliberately messes about in a moving car is an idiot. To do so on a dark country lane with a car full of people makes you a complete and utter arsehole.

I don't think I would have expected dh to do more than yours did, but the friend wouldn't be getting into a car of mine again.

atos35 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:20:24

Actually as op is 30 weeks pregnant, hitting the back of her chair was a damn stupid and potentially dangerous thing to do, what an utter twat. Pregnant or not it was stupid but a man hitting the back of a pregnant woman's chair is even more inexcusable. I'd have pulled over and told him to get out of my car the first time and probably would of found it hard to be restrained in the language I used. So I don't think you over reacted and I don't think you abu.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 19:23:44

I think inviting a pregnant woman out for a fight is beyond shite.

Borderterrierpuppy Mon 28-Jul-14 19:25:53

You were doing him a favour and he behaved like an idiot.
When we are pregnant most of our previous risk perception shifts a bit and he threatened your safety as well as that of your husband and baby too.
He is very lucky you didn't lamp him.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 28-Jul-14 19:32:27

I think inviting a pregnant woman out for a fight is beyond shite

And that's after punching the back of her chair a few times...

The man sounds like a dick and should've apologised. Maybe your DH could've said more in the car too.

However at 30 weeks pg I used to cry at the drop of a hat, so having someone behave like that would've pushed me over the edge too.

Next time, he can get a taxi, unless he gives you a proper apology.

YABU. Even if someone is acting like a twat it is entirely U to shout and swear at them. I think you are more in the wrong than he is.

TidyDancer Mon 28-Jul-14 20:00:25

Okay I've read the whole thread. My assessment is that your DH's friend was being a twat, you overreacted and your DH tied it all up entirely appropriately. You are well within your rights to not give this person a lift again but I think rather than dwelling on it you should just draw a line under it now and move on. People behaving badly in cars with nervous drivers are arseholes, I agree, but you need to keep reminding yourself that nothing actually happened as a result aside from you learning who you won't do favours for in the future.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 20:00:35

If someone is acting dangerously in a car, it's worse to shout and swear at them?

If a drunken youth had pushed another across a road in a shopping trolley, causing OP to slam on her brakes, and she swore at them, would she be in the wrong then?

How about if this friend had jumped out at her in a dark, quiet alley at night shouting "run!"? Still unreasonable to shout and swear?

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 28-Jul-14 20:04:55

Shouting and swearing is unladylike.

Frightening a driver is merely a prank.

helenthemadex Mon 28-Jul-14 20:06:14

personally I would have stopped the car second time he did it and told him to get out of the car and walk, unless he apologised he would have been walking no question.

You lost the moral high ground screaming and swearing at him after the event

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 28-Jul-14 20:07:26

He was a knob.
I'm not sure about your dh. What could he have done?
I think my dh would have removed someone from the car if they had violently hit my headset like you describe. But maybe that would be ott?

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 20:07:48

I don't have children yet but I have looked after children for a weekend and driven them around whilst my DN tried to insert a toy up my DNP's nose. Que very loud shrieking

Is this headrest thumping something people do to freak drivers out?

I'm sorry but I'd feel better about myself swearing than I would thumping the headrest of a driver who'd given me a free ride home, regardless of whether it was dark, she didn't really know the road (the 1st time he did it) and that she was 30 weeks pregnant.

basgetti Mon 28-Jul-14 20:07:49

YABU. Even if someone is acting like a twat it is entirely U to shout and swear at them. I think you are more in the wrong than he is.

Yes repeatedly punching the headrest of a heavily pregnant driver and then trying to engage her in a physical fight isn't nearly as bad as being sworn at.

FraidyCat Mon 28-Jul-14 20:09:46

I haven't read the whole thread, but I've read enough people telling her she over-reacted to want to respond immediately to that that.

I am a very experienced, competent and confident driver, but if someone had done what her passenger did, more than once, nearly causing an accident, I would not only have screamed and sworn at him, I would have stopped the car, dragged him out, and not stopped kicking and punching him till people physically dragged me away. That's how I react when people try to kill me. (I am a man, if I were a women I might not feel the last part was an option for me.)

mommy2ash Mon 28-Jul-14 20:10:34

if you were distinct car big enough for six people I would have pulled over the first time and put him in the back so it couldn't happen again.

I would have had a word with him myself in the morning as no point talking to a drunk person.

I'm not sure what you expect your husband to do about it.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 20:12:27

"You lost the moral high ground screaming and swearing at him after the event"

What does this even mean?

Btw, Helen, they weren't far from home when the second incident happened so it was hardly "after the event"

BookABooSue Mon 28-Jul-14 20:13:44

YWNBU to shout at him. He was acting like an idiot and it was dangerous to hit the back of your seat.
I guess your DH could have also intervened at the point when the friend was challenging you to hit him. It sounds as though they all enable the friend to act like an arse when he's drunk.

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 28-Jul-14 20:13:44

fraidycat grin
I promise to behave if you ever offer me a lift.

FraidyCat Mon 28-Jul-14 20:17:46

OK, whether my reaction would be that extreme would depend on exactly how much of a fright I got. I am assuming what he did was enough to induce serious fear of an accident.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 20:22:36

Yup I was pretty nervous driving 6 people. Their lives were in my hands.

I really don't think I have attacked anyone on this thread, but defended myself or sye the story straight where I considered it due.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 20:24:18

I agree though, nothing else DH could have done.

WiggleGinger Mon 28-Jul-14 20:24:19

I'm stunned at these responses!

The friend is a dick!

You swearing is NOT worse than his actions!

I would have made him get out after the first punch to the seat. Pregnant or not!

To those who think your behaviour was BU they need to get a grip!

I think you stood up for yourself & perhaps your DH did enough, all that said he wouldn't have been staying the night as a guest after that performance!

YANBU

Purpleroxy Mon 28-Jul-14 20:26:35

I don't think your dh could have done any more. The friend is clearly a dickhead so I would just not go out with him again. If your dh wants to go out with him, that's up to him but just keep yourself out of it. And obviously no lifts again for this idiot who behaves like a 2yo in the car.
I think you were perfectly reasonable to shout and swear at him. Neither of those things is illegal or dangerous and his behaviour warranted it. I don't get why everyone is so open mouthed at a few swear words.

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 28-Jul-14 20:32:30

I think it was entirely appropriate of you to swear.
It's the kind of situation that loud profanity was made for tbh.

ExcuseTypos Mon 28-Jul-14 20:36:08

God I can't believe some of the replies you've had OP.

Tbh I think you handled it pretty well - you were calm the first time he behaved like an idiot. And I must say when he hit the back of your seat the second time, my DH would definitely have said something to him.

It's got nothing to do with you being pregnant or a women- it's do to with supporting your partner when she's trying to drive with someone in the back being a dangerous twat!

ChasedByBees Mon 28-Jul-14 20:36:30

I'd be tempted to arrange another night out, nice and far away and at the end of the night, leave him to get a taxi by himself while you dove everyone else home. He's a twat. You behaved entirely appropriately IMO.

ChasedByBees Mon 28-Jul-14 20:36:50

Dove = drive

MorphineDreams Mon 28-Jul-14 20:39:40

I think this is all a bit hysterical to be honest. I'm not sure what else your DP could have done.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 20:40:53

OP, you should be firmer with your husband and REALLY show him whose boss. Why not drop a car bonnet on his head or punch him in the stomach as hard as you can? Don't stand for this!

I am TOTALLY on your side, btw. You didn't over-react at all. This thread is proof that most posters in AIBU like to be contrary nowadays...

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 20:41:04

I would have stopped and thrown him out the car with my screams ringing in his ears as he went.

He's a knob. You are not overreacting.

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 20:42:31

I agree with marmalade but please ensure you are wearing some thing suitable to protect your hands when you do this. Gloves of some kind perhaps?

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 20:42:58

*Who's.

Bleddy phone.

TheFairyCaravan Mon 28-Jul-14 20:43:00

You are not over reacting OP!

My DH would have chucked him out by his collar and left him by the side of the road!

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 28-Jul-14 20:45:00

I am really angry on the ops behalf, not just because of the complete twat she had in the car, but also because of the hard time she's given on here.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 20:47:19

Me too, Pyjama.

Whoever said if it had been posted from the pissed prick's POV, this would have panned out very differently, hit the nail on the head.

Primadonnagirl Mon 28-Jul-14 20:47:54

But if you ask AIBU you have to accept some people will say you are.. And some people won't..

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 20:49:06

That's fine Prima but being so gleefully unpleasant as some posters have been is unnecessary don't you think?

Itsfab Mon 28-Jul-14 20:49:45

Have you thought about some refresher lessons?

You shouldn't be driving 6 people around if you aren't confident.

gertiegusset Mon 28-Jul-14 20:49:55

The usual hatchet faced posters looking to pick on someone.
You'd think she'd nicked the fucking church collection plate.

She gets distracted by a drunken arsehole thumping the back of her seat and she's in the wrong for swearing!?!
I'd have chucked him out of the car and expected DH to help.

Beenspotted Mon 28-Jul-14 20:52:44

Me three! Yanbu, at all. I also would expect a bit more support and solidarity from dp. I think you've done a good job communicating your displeasure to the dangerous moron, so it's not as if you're hiding behind him, but ten weeks from giving birth it would really upset me to feel that he would put being polite and diplomatic ahead of having my corner.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 28-Jul-14 20:53:23

He was clearly irritating, you weren't being u to be upset, but in answer to your question, I wouldn't have expected my dh to do anything. As a grown woman, I would handle the situation myself. Twould be nice if dh did join in, for solidarity, but I wouldn't expect him to.

ExcuseTypos Mon 28-Jul-14 20:54:08

"You shouldn't be driving 6 people around if you aren't confident."

I don't think they cover, a drinker arse sitting behind you thumping your seat, in driving lesson.

Primadonnagirl Mon 28-Jul-14 20:54:20

Unpleasantness is always unacceptable ..however pointing put that you think the OP has been unreasonable when that was the question asked is not necessarily nasty or unacceptable

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 20:57:05

I asked earlier but got no answer. Were the other passengers as alarmed for their lives as you were?

gertiegusset Mon 28-Jul-14 20:58:01

I suppose we all have to differ, I would expect DH to have my corner too as I would him.
I would be shock if he didn't stick up for me especially if some drunk cunt wanted to fight me when I was pregnant.

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 20:59:57

confused No one said it was prima. Its fine to say YABU. It's not fine to be so nasty and attacking about it.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:02:47

"Were the other passengers as alarmed for their lives as you were?"

I think this rather stems from the fact that OP was responsible for 6 people in a car. Whether the other passengers were as alarmed as OP was is neither here nor there, since they weren't being heckled at the wheel by a pissed-up wanker.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 21:03:15

Nicknack- No, my DH and other friend saw it coming and saw what he was doing so they didn't get the shock I did. I didn't as being the driver, I had my back to them.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 21:04:09

Just to point out, many posters have responded to the OP's actual AIBU which related to the conduct of her husband and expecting him to have been more "brutal" and said yes, she was BU as husband had told the man to stop and afterwards apparently told him he was a twat.

I'd suggest though OP if you haven't already hide this thread as early on you said you couldn't really remember what had happened and now you're reflecting more in what happened. There's really no point going over and over it and upsetting yourself more. Just content yourself that most people think your husband acted proportionately and that you shouldn't do the other man a favour again.

gertiegusset Mon 28-Jul-14 21:04:12

I imagine the other passengers were pretty pissed too so probably thought it was a laugh.

Backinthering Mon 28-Jul-14 21:06:48

Can't believe anyone is slating you for swearing at him!
So men can indulge in whatever dangerous pranks they want, but the worst crime of all is a woman swearing?
Fuck RIGHT off!

Longdistance Mon 28-Jul-14 21:09:03

I don't get all the pp giving op a hard time. If you are the driver, your passengers should be grateful for the lift, not dicking about scaring the driver. He should have acted on the first warning, second time, he gets thrown out of the car, and uses the power of his legs to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 21:09:44

And while banging on a car seat is stupid behaviour, it's not up there with violence etc it is just stupid idiotic drunken behaviour.

No, WannaBe, it's not just stupid behaviour. Because what you have left out of that description is that it was the driver's seat he banged, and he did so suddenly and violently, trying to make her think there had been an accident and someone was injured. That is bloody dangerous behaviour on any terms,

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 28-Jul-14 21:10:16

What has your DH got to apologise for OP? It's his so called friend that owes you the apology.

Maybe your DH thought you had stood up for yourself and didn't need him to go in all hunter gatherer to protect his wife against his mate.

I think swearing like a banshee did you no favours.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:10:58

"Can't believe anyone is slating you for swearing at him!"

It's not laydeelaike, don't you know?

He'd have had a knuckle sandwich from me, at thirty weeks pregnant, in this heat, I am afraid. I don't like being made to jump as it is, never mind under those circs.

Don't hide the thread, OP. There are lots of us coming out to defend you. DOn't let this lot make you feel like you've acted the twat.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:12:03

Swearing like a banshee? Hmmmm, nice and sexist!

Fine for a man to offer a pregnant lady a fight and scare the bejesus out of her twice but DON'T YOU DARE SWEAR. Tis most unbecoming. <adjusts wimple>

Castlemilk Mon 28-Jul-14 21:13:51

Jesus Christ I can't beleive these replies.

He could have caused a fatal accident.

He also treated you APPALLINGLY.

He's a complete twat and the only thing I'd be saying from now on is that the friendship is over, and you'd be really happy if your DH could make sure that you never see him again. And when that filters through to him and he finally grudgingly calls to give you an apology, tell him to spin.

Castlemilk Mon 28-Jul-14 21:15:55

Oh and yes I do not take kindly to hurr hurr hurring fuckfaces making me jump. Especially at the wheel of a car and at 30 weeks pregnant.

He's lucky I wasn't the one driving, because I would have gone absolutely apeshit, stopped the car, probably made EVERYONE get out, and driven home on my own and left them in the middle of nowhere. With Gurning Gordon for company.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:19:58

Gurning Gordon grin

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 21:20:10

I think it is relevant how they reacted. You say he punched your head rest 6 times but they weren't bothered/alarmed by that.

I also posted earlier that if you felt it was unsafe to drive then as a responsible driver you have to stop your journey, deal with the problem then continue. As pointed out, you do have peoples lives in your hand, including other road users.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 21:20:15

If you get disorientated by relatively small distractions on a route I assume you know, how are you going to do with small people in the car?

Password, please tell me you're not seriously describing what happened twice here as a relatively small distraction? OP's car seat was hit violently and suddenly from behind so that it appeared that it was someone's head hitting it - and you think that that equates to the sort of distraction that a securely strapped in small child would cause?

Sheesh, some people seem to get so desperate to slag the OP off that they totally lose grip on reality.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 21:21:11

"He said "Hit me then". I shouted "Get out of the f***ing car otherwise i f***ing will....get out of my sight". "

Two "fuckings" and that's swearing like a banshee? Christ, the Active Convo list usually has more F words in thread titles than that.

She didn't swear at the little baby Jesus in front of Mother Theresa.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:24:04

"As pointed out, you do have peoples lives in your hand, including other road users."

Very pompous. <applause>

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 21:24:31

FFS! OP wanted to save her friends some money and inconvenience so offered to drive SIX people all over the place to their destinations. One of the behaved like a complete drunken OAF! and was hammering at the back of her seat as she drove along dark country lanes. If you can't see why she might react the way she did, you've got a real problem with empathy or else you are just the usual nasty AIBU arse.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 21:26:27

I think swearing like a banshee did you no favours.

Of, for goodness sake, amothersplace, get real. If you had just been trying to drive 6 people through dark country lanes late at night to do them a favour, and one of them twice puts you in the position where you could have had an accident and killed your unborn baby, and then tried to pick a fight with you - are you seriously telling us that you would have asked him in genteel and ladylike tones to desist?

Only I don't think anyone believes you.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 21:26:37

How is it pompous? Several posters have mentioned it. Being a driver is a responsibility and if it can't be done safely then the driver has to address that.

Not pompous at all. And I say that as a driver who was once kicked in the head by the back seat passenger. Obvious I swerved! But the car got pulled over and passenger dealt with.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jul-14 21:26:51

frightening a driver is just a prank

Trying to frighten some one while they are driving in a dimly lit area....oh yeah I see the funny side HAR DE HAR HAR . knob

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jul-14 21:27:47

Oh no a laaaady never swears confused

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 21:28:12

But it WAS being done safely till some stupid drunk started banging on her seat.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 21:29:54

And she continued driving after he did it once. That should have been enough if it was as bad as she said.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 21:29:57

"As pointed out, you do have peoples lives in your hand, including other road users.".

OP made reasonable assumption that after being told once twatface wouldn't do it again. He did.

The risk to other road users came because the second time was near a traffic light. How was OP supposed to stop this risk? It doesn't sound like there was a further risky incident as they were nearly home.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 21:30:00

Gurning Gordon! Haha.

I couldn't care less about swearing. It may not be 'ladylike' (sorry I didn't realise it's still the 1950s) but deliberately trying to upset or shock a driver or asking a woman to start a fight a isn't exactly gentlemanly is it?

Remembering things is called reflection and sometimes it happens when you recall an event or incident. I won't be hiding this thread.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:30:29

"How is it pompous? Several posters have mentioned it. Being a driver is a responsibility and if it can't be done safely then the driver has to address that."

Pompous because you've turned round what others have said about responsibility onto the OP, but in a way that sounds like she should take responsibility for HIS actions. Using a rule to belittle her. It sounds very pompous and very priggish.

Several posters mentioned it in the context of OP rightly being upset at being rattled whilst driving, not as a stick to beat her with!

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:53

That's maybe your interpretation. No she is not responsible for his actions but she is responsible for her own.

Dealing with road users, drivers, accidents has been part of my working life for many years which is why my replies are not full of emotion. But she has posted saying she could have killed them all, if she is in a position that that is possible she has to address it and remove the problem. Even after the second time she continued driving.

And his statement of "hit me then" almost sounds like a reply to something that was said to him.

eddielizzard Mon 28-Jul-14 21:36:12

yanbu at all.

you offered to give everyone lifts to save them money. one twat frightened you, then decided to do it again despite being asked not to, then tried to start a fight.

a bit of swearing isn't quite in the same league is it? i'd start swearing for less than that!

this guy is a prize twat and i would be waiting for an apology. next time, yes, you do make him walk. but there shouldn't be a next time.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 21:37:12

Anyway it's swearing like a trooper and screaming like a banshee. Let's not mix up our hideously clichéd similes.

5Foot5 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:39:02

Were the rest of the passengers really drunk too? If I had been one of them I think I would have been pretty pissed off with this idiot and would have given him a piece of my mind. In fact I can't imagine being so drunk that I would have found his behaviour remotely funny.

Is he an arse when he is sober too? I think the best thing is to refuse ever to drive when he is in the car again. Not in an emotional shouty way, just calmly and assertively stating that you will not be driving him anywhere ever again - drunk or sober.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 21:39:11

Tbh the first time it was in a windy country lane so probably just as dangerous them as someone could have come the other way as I swerved.

I do remember both my DH and I told him the first time not to do it again. I genuinely thought he wouldn't do it again.

Haroldplaystheharmonica Mon 28-Jul-14 21:44:47

FGS can we stop going on about the OP being pregnant! People have babies all the time but in here it seems you have an excuse for everything if you're pregnant and obviously must be sooo hormonal

Some of us think she was out of order (don't give a lift to 6 drunk adults if it's going to make you worried) and some of us don't (the man was a twat) It's AIBU so it's what is to ge expected. Just don't pile in in the posters who don't side with the OP.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 21:45:20

I couldn't leave a massive range rover/any other car in the middle of the road at a traffic light on a busy road could I? Sure that would have been a traffic offence? Especially when I lived in the next road it made sense to drive on briefly, get on my drive and then that's when I told him off.

Yes I'm responsible when I'm driving, hence why I was upset by it. If I HAD swerved or had an accident, then it would have been me that killed them/injured them not him.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 21:46:20

Why not, Harold? Seeing as they have no hesitation in piling in on OP.

Nicknacky Mon 28-Jul-14 21:49:12

NotKate, obviously I have no idea what the roads are like that you are driving on but the best option would have been to have pulled over as soon as it was safe to do so. Even if that meant committing a minor road traffic offence, that is preferably than an accident!

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 21:52:33

Even if I wasn't 'worried' (which I wasn't, just trying to get everyone home safely) does that mean him pulling a dangerous prank was less unreasonable than me saying the f word a couple of times?

Mentioning my pregnancy was only relevant to explain why I was giving the buffoon a lift.

gertiegusset Mon 28-Jul-14 21:55:45

It's hot.
You're pregnant and it's late.
You are doing a car full of drunks a favour.
One made you jumpy.
You swore a sweary word.

YWNBU.

OK, leave the pregnant thing out of it.

Being pissed off because some drunken twat was distracting you driving on a dark country road and then offered to get into a fight, when you've done them a favour by driving them there and back is perfectly reasonable.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:59:26

"FGS can we stop going on about the OP being pregnant! People have babies all the time but in here it seems you have an excuse for everything if you're pregnant"

No-one has excused her of "everything". OP has admitted herself that she feels more cautious when driving now that she is pregnant. Nothing wrong in that.

Are you trying to be one of those super women? "Well, I built a dry-stone wall when ay was pregnant, why are YOU getting so het up about that?" It's very boring.

Haroldplaystheharmonica Mon 28-Jul-14 21:59:56

icimoi well maybe just no piling in at all then? It seems on here that some people see their own point of view and are totally blinkered to anything else other people have to say.

LineRunner Mon 28-Jul-14 22:00:16

The OP's being pregnant is relevant to why she didn't need to be insulted for not drinking and why she probably didn't really need to be called out for a physical fight.

Or is there a new pregnancy guideline manual now that I don't know about? I'm very much for bodily autonomy but 'Drink and fight your way to obstetric health' is brilliantly Viz.

gertiegusset Mon 28-Jul-14 22:03:57

grin at Linerunner.
Absolutely.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 22:05:08

People have babies all the time but in here it seems you have an excuse for everything if you're pregnant"

Why do you think she needs an excuse for anything?

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 22:05:40

grin Linerunner.

I cannot stand this "pregnancy is not illness" no it isn't but it has many of the symptoms of quite a serious one. Those symptoms are no less because they're not to do with illness. Most pregnant women are more cautious and self aware, I know I was. It's completely relevant to this situation.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 22:06:03

'Drink and fight your way to obstetric health

grin

MissDuke Mon 28-Jul-14 22:06:24

I have been driving for like 17 years, if someone thumped my seat as hard as they can, frigging right I would jump out of my skin too! Op, you may have over reacted here, but I can see why.

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 22:07:52

Fair enough, Harold, but I don't follow why you singled out only those attacking the OP as needing protection from the horrors of people robustly disagreeing with them.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 22:08:00

LineRunner! <wheeze>

U2TheEdge Mon 28-Jul-14 22:08:43

She should have more driving lessons if she isn't confident driving 6 people around?

Give it a rest! this is exactly what I am talking about by the bitchy replies.

Since when did someone being nervous over someone drunk punching their seat means they are a nervous driver who needs a refresher course? hmm That is just pure bullshit.

My dad was a taxi driver for over 15 years. Even he had got nervous at times when a passenger was drunk and acting aggressively. Perhaps he should have had more lessons too hmm only nervous drivers get scared when a drank man is aggressively punching their seat after all.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 22:10:51

"DH is on antibiotics so me and some of our mates went on a drinking spree and he drove us home. My mate Bob ribbed him for being a wuss and not drinking then slammed his hand hard into DH's headrest, once on a twisty dark road and once near some traffic lights near home, which shook DH up a lot. When we got home, DH yelled at him to get out of the car, Bob said "Hit me then". DH shouted "Get out of the f***ing car otherwise i f***ing will....get out of my sight".

AIBU to think that DH should apologise to Bob for yelling and swearing?

Icimoi Mon 28-Jul-14 22:10:56

I cannot stand this "pregnancy is not illness" no it isn't but it has many of the symptoms of quite a serious one.

Bit of a diversion here, but I do agree with you. When I was pregnant I used to wonder a bit why I wasn't entitled to say I felt ill when I was throwing up the entire 9 months.

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 28-Jul-14 22:11:04

Perhaps they should put drink people in the back of the car unexpectedly punching your seat on the driving test, just to prove how hard as nails you are.

Cluffyflump Mon 28-Jul-14 22:12:35

Why are some people such twatbadgers?

If some drunk idiot was punching the back of my seat and offering me a fight my dh would bury them! More so if I were pg at the time.
That's not to say that her Dhs reaction and subsequent actions were wrong, just a fair bit more restrained than mine would have been

Lets remember that if it were the ops dh punching objects to intimidate/upset her, we would be shouting ltb and maybe make a complaint about it to the police.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 22:12:54

"Perhaps they should put drink people in the back of the car unexpectedly punching your seat on the driving test, just to prove how hard as nails you are."

Sounds like a Top Gear challenge! If undertaken in a half-Zafira/half Skoda welded together by trained monkeys...

StandsOnGoldenSands Mon 28-Jul-14 22:13:47

What a nasty thread. Perfect example of why AIBU is horrible.

If I was pregnant, driving drunk people in the dark down country roads, I'd be very alert to say the least. To have some drunken arsehole kicking or punching my headrest would freak me out too. Let alone repeatedly.

The OP was scared. If other posters wouldn't have been then good for them. But she was and she is asking whether she is owed an apology. Well yes she absolutely is. And I wouldn't drive that person again even if they did apologise.

Nicola19 Mon 28-Jul-14 22:15:47

Honestly, I think the OP was right to do what she did, she could have had a right fright. I think she did just fine on her own and didn't need DH to say much more.

ExcuseTypos Mon 28-Jul-14 22:15:49

MNHQ has a thread in site stuff about AIBU NOT being a fight club, and being like another part of the site.

It looks like a lot of people haven't seen it.

Nicola19 Mon 28-Jul-14 22:16:57

In fact I admire her being able to let rip at somebody like that, when called for.

HicDraconis Mon 28-Jul-14 22:19:25

I have read the whole thread. And I think you were restrained in merely screaming and swearing at your ridiculous passenger.

I have had my headrest thumped hard while driving. It made me slam on my brakes and skid - loud impact noise that I wasn't expecting equals emergency stop. On an unlit country road that could easily have seen the OP end up half way through a tree.

I also have a tendency to feel just as much of an adrenaline rush after a near miss as I do after an incident. So it's understandable that the OP is still thinking about it the following morning.

I don't think OP was a drama queen, diva, or overreacted in the slightest. Personally I'd have stopped the car after the first incident and told the offender that they could walk or call a taxi from there. After an apology and an assurance that they would behave for the rest of the journey, I would probably have continued - but the second thump and they'd have been out. No excuses, no apologies, no nothing. Out and walking.

This has not stopped me being able to ferry two squabbling children around, or DH and his mother (which was worse than the boys!). It doesn't make me a nervous driver. And if someone suggests I hit them, I remind them that I can hit both hard and accurately (karate) and not to be so stupid.

I think OP has been given an unreasonably hard time on this thread.

U2TheEdge Mon 28-Jul-14 22:20:55

I am more concerned by the drivers who wouldn't be scared.

It doesn't make you a safe and confident driver, it makes you stupidly over confident and arrogant, someone who is probably more at risk of having an accident than a person who get nervous over someone punching their seat.

I fear drivers who have so little fear that getting their seat punched aggressively wouldn't phase them. Makes me wonder what other potentially dangerous situations they don't care about.

Works both ways doesn't it? the people who think she needs driving lessons because she was scared could easily be the stupid drivers who don't have a healthy dose of fear in dangerous situations.

Nicola19 Mon 28-Jul-14 22:24:15

The pregnancy is valid in my view. A 30 week bump might be a big one and there it is, tucked under the steering wheel, the one thing she is protecting with her life. She doesn't want to dig into the steering column with this silly twat messing about behind her. Relevant?? Er, yes!!

NickiFury Mon 28-Jul-14 22:25:18

Well quite icimoi not to mention the massive swelling growing on the front of you and the aching and stretching muscles, the severe reduction in mobility, the shortness of breath and inability to sleep. I think that not being recognised and being told to constantly "suck it up it's not an illness" is at best nasty and dismissive and at worst misogynistic.

MarmaladeShatkins Mon 28-Jul-14 22:33:30

I've never felt iller than in my 9 months being upduffed.

I'd like to see anyone carry on as normal with SPD, chronic heartburn, vomiting for the first four months, inability to sleep, inability to walk more than 50m without your legs crying for mercy.

Anyone that says they did, without one moan, one over-reaction, one strangled sob in the supermarket as you realise you can't shift your 14 stone bulk from the cheese counter is a FUCKING LIAR.

ArgyMargy Mon 28-Jul-14 22:37:41

My DH doesn't drink, so it would probably have been him driving. And there would have been no second chances - the offender would have been thrown out of the car. YANBU.

I'm not confident driving at night because my night vision isn't great. I would have to really concentrate on bendy country lanes with no lights on. I would REALLY have to concentrate if it was 1am. Add more concentration for the fact that all the passengers are rowdy and drunk. And now times everything by 3 because of being 30 weeks pregnant. (Have people forgotten what that's like?! You don't remember feeling exhausted if you stayed up past 11pm, or extra alert to the safety and well-being of your unborn child? Or less tolerant of twattishness? More emotional than usual?)

Considering all the above, I don't think the OP's behaviour was unreasonable. However my DH would probably have already shouted at his mate himself, probably while we were stationary as I would have stopped the car and bollocked him there and then, rather than wait till I got home.

To be honest, I wouldn't have been ferrying drunken people round at 1am at 30 weeks pregnant, I would have been tucked up in my bed asleep, so I think hats off to the OP for offering to do that in the first place. She probably won't ever offer again, and I don't blame her.

I mean, why, WHY, would anyone (even an annoying drunk) think it acceptable to scare the shit out of a pregnant woman by unexpectedly banging hard on the back of her seat (whether she was driving or not?). Fucking idiotic, thoughtless and childish behaviour, for which the friend SHOULD apologise.

This is NOT the same as handling the day to day distraction of toddlers in the back of a car - there's usually a build up to them throwing something, rather than it happening out of nowhere. Plus you are also in the mindset of having half an ear out for what they are doing or saying . Presumably a load of drunken ramblings would have been ignored by the OP who was probably just thinking of getting everyone home and going to bed.

backbystealth Mon 28-Jul-14 22:44:11

My friends are a bunch degenerate pissheads who I often ferried around when up duffed.

I would have been FURIOUS and scared shitless if someone did this in the car - no matter what the intention or circumstance ie someone drunk thinking they are hilarious - it is fucking dangerous. I would have totally laid into him like you did OP.

I don't think it's fair to berate your dh or blame him in any way - though I know you have concurred on that one so really I'm just showing my support! YWNBU.

Cockadoodledooo Mon 28-Jul-14 22:44:32

In answer to your initial question op I'd expect my dh to not be friends with someone who would exhibit such twattish behaviour!

I'd have called him on it (the friend, not dh), and honestly pregnant or not would have stopped the car after the first incidence. Probably with the use of the words "what the fuck do you think you're playing at?", and the assurance that if there was any reoccurrance he'd be walking.

NickiFury: yes, it IS bordering on misogynistic to tell a heavily pregnant woman to suck it up, I quite agree. In my family a bit of care and empathy is shown towards heavily pregnant women; you know, a bit of concern for their well being. Most women DO feel different at that stage of pregnant: knackered, not that mobile, needing a wee all the time, swollen ankles, emotional, heartburn. So while there is no need to wrap pregnant women up in cotton wool, there is still cause to recognise that they need a teeny bit extra consideration.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 22:47:08

I was feeling incredibly hot and tired. Plus the couple we were with have 3 kids, god if anything had happened of been responsible for that.

I normally have some banter with him and my DH admits he takes it too far, DH met him when he was fresh out of a boys school and had zero social skills. Generally, I tend to just ignore him but he's not done this before. Not that I expect him to be sympathetic with me, but he has told me off for moaning about SPD and not walking as fast as everyone else (I'm a waddler)

"he has told me off for moaning about SPD and not walking as fast as everyone else (I'm a waddler)"

Arsehole. I remember a friend being astonished that I got tired doing touristy things with her in my home city ALL DAY when she came to stay. I was 7 months pregnant and was knackered by my 2 yr old too. She couldn't believe that going up a couple of flights of stairs in the Tate meant that I had to have a sit down at the top. People don't realise....

WyrdByrd Mon 28-Jul-14 22:58:33

fresh out of a boy's school and no social skills

Oh yes, I know the type and also lots of lovely blokes that went to all male schools, before anyone starts

You having a go at him may do more good than harm in the long run.

Littleen Mon 28-Jul-14 23:02:54

I would have just stopped the car and refused to drive - I did once when driving drunk friends and they started taking pics with the flash on so I couldn't see anything in the dark!

I think you are BU and your DH did what was expected.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 23:08:08

I'm glad there's someone else who was the same as me curlyhair. Hats off for doing this with a 2 year old and in London too. I think I'd have melted/passed out doing the commute I did 5 years ago.

I can still do everything, just a lot slower than normally.

I enjoy this guys company normally and have good banter with him. Unfortunately he took it too far this time.

notkatemiddleton Mon 28-Jul-14 23:13:04

PS. DH is an all boys, public school type chap too, again, before anyone starts. He cringes at this friend at times.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 29-Jul-14 05:45:11

Agree with NickiFury and Marmaladeshatkins

Also, great name marmalade

Andro Tue 29-Jul-14 09:34:13

What should have happened between:

* but then did it again at some traffic lights later on in the journey. I got disorientated and almost went through a red light.*

and

We got to our destination

was an instruction to get out of the car. An adult doing something so stupid would not have remained a passenger in my car, long enough to reach their destination.

OnlyLovers Tue 29-Jul-14 10:22:54

Oh please just piss off with the 'banshee' comments (how sexist?) and the snide remarks about how she can't be a very confident driver.

Some right nasty arses on this thread.

notkatemiddleton Tue 29-Jul-14 11:24:16

Yeah I should have kicked him out. Would have been a short walk for him, but i would have made my point.

notkatemiddleton Tue 29-Jul-14 11:28:03

OnlyLovers- I agree, using a swear word twice does not equal a banshee. I am not sure how confident any driver would feel at 1am in the morning, in country lanes that they don't know very well, in horrendous heat and with 5 other drunken apes adults in the car. A certain level of cautiousness is healthy.

Numanoid Tue 29-Jul-14 11:32:47

Wow, I haven't read everything but... hmm

With the extra information, the guy is sounding more like he isn't a very nice person (making fun of someone for not drinking whilst pregnant is cruel). I can see why the OP was annoyed then, if he has form for being that way, and was doing it to purposefully be mean.

I probably wouldn't volunteer to drive down twisty country roads at night with a car full of drunken people. Had to do it a few times (with one sober passenger) and it's a challenge.

OnlyLovers Tue 29-Jul-14 11:32:53

Also, is a man ever described as swearing 'like a banshee'? No. Utter sexism. God forbid a woman raise her voice or act unlike a laaaaaaydeee.

I'd have kicked him out. I was going to say kick him out next time, but if I were you it'd be a cold day in hell before I let him in my car again.

Bourdic Tue 29-Jul-14 12:08:42

So the bloke was public school as well? Do hope so, just love having all my prejudices confirmed!

Bourdic Tue 29-Jul-14 12:09:32

And his problem with women would be par for the course.....

Why is OP receiving all this criticism ?
Her swearing seems so insignificant compared to the very real risk of an accident which could affect all the occupants in the car, plus other road users and pedestrians:

An insurance company survey found
more than 100,000 accidents and 650,000 near misses a year are caused by drunk passengers DailyTel

notkatemiddleton Tue 29-Jul-14 12:27:30

BigChoc- Your stats are making me feel a little bit sick to be honest, confirms that i shouldn't have driven them in the first place. I feel so sorry for taxi drivers,for whom this is an occupational hazard most nights. However I guess they might feel more able to kick out dangerous passengers.

I am beginning to realise some Mnetters will twist or pick out any words they can to have a go. I doubt a majority of them would ever say any of this in real life.

Its very difficult to be honest as whilst this guy can be a prat when he's drunk, sometimes he's a good egg. I am beginning to tire of this though, my DH doesn't seem to get it and makes excuses for him (except on this occasion when he acknowledges he was a bit of a dick).

itsbetterthanabox Tue 29-Jul-14 12:31:18

I would shout at someone who did that. He obviously wasn't taking it seriously when you said stop so needed to be told firmly. He's a dick and should apologise. Don't let him in your car.

HopefulHamster Tue 29-Jul-14 12:50:39

Very surprised at this thread. OP YANBU.

Someone violently hitting your headrest out of the blue is completely different to a kid kicking the back of your seat.

I consider myself a good, safe driver, but I'd still feel a tad nervous driving a bunch of drunk people back home in the middle of the night on dark windy roads - something like hitting the head rest would be a big jolt/noise that would make me automatically react in some way. It easily could've caused an accident. Swearing at him is nothing after he did it twice.

I don't necessarily think OP's husband should have done more, but the 'mate' should definitely apologise to the OP.

Andro Tue 29-Jul-14 14:52:22

Its very difficult to be honest as whilst this guy can be a prat when he's drunk, sometimes he's a good egg.

At this point OP, I'd say it's very simple:

'Darling, I know you value <idiot's name> as a friend but his behaviour was both stupid and very dangerous. I do not feel safe with him in the car and as such I will not be driving him (and/or riding in a car with him?) in future (whether he's dunk or sober).'

scarletoconnor Tue 29-Jul-14 15:19:02

FFS only on mumsnet would you be told you are being unreasonable for snapping and swearing at some drunken cock head for repeatedly hitting the back of your seat while you're 30 weeks pregnant and driving on dark country lanes in order to save him paying for a taxi. WTF is wrong with people on here!

What should op have done waited until they were all in a frickin ditch before shouting, called 101, made him a nice cup of tea to sober up?

I would have quite rightly, shouted too OP and I would have expected my dh to tell his friend to stop punching the chair or he could get out and walk.

He then tried to get you to hit him when you pulled over, sounds like a charmer.
I would tell my dh, he was not being driven anywhere by you again and not welcome in your home when you are there.

Only on mumsnet can you get flamed for defending yourself against a drunk man hitting your seat and trying to start a physical altercation with you.

Next time op maybe write him a little note to say stop, phone 101 for some advice and whatever you do don't defend yourself. Then post on here so the exact same people can flame you for not shouting at him.

In case its not obvious from my post yanbu and people who think you were ott are bvu

Mybigfatredwedding Tue 29-Jul-14 16:00:24

I think whoever it was upthread who said 'he was a total knob, you were a drama queen' had it in a nutshell.

Icimoi Tue 29-Jul-14 16:19:31

I'm fairly amazed that the idiot hasn't apologised to OP anyway. I would have thought that a large bunch of flowers and a note saying "Really sorry for being such a prat" is the least he could have done, and he shouldn't have to be told that by OP's husband.

lizzzyyliveson Tue 29-Jul-14 17:13:40

You know how people do favours for each other on a tit for tat basis? This guy is now at -1, so remember for next time. He needs to do you two big £50 favours before the counter is at zero and you can then think about whether you want to get into doing anything for him again.

ChasedByBees Tue 29-Jul-14 17:14:47

Did he stay at yours NotKate?

That would have been irritating after his behaviour. He still owes you an apology.

notkatemiddleton Tue 29-Jul-14 20:58:53

Yes unfortunately he was. In a bed I'd laundered and made.

nocoolnamesleft Wed 30-Jul-14 02:32:05

I'm not pregnant, I rarely swear, I hardly ever shout, and I am often the designated driver. I'm not sure you swore enough. Had I been driving, he would have been walking. Having been subjected to a tirade along the lines of "Get the fk out of my fking car you fking fkwit before I rip your fking stupid head off your fking stupid shoulders, you could have fking killed us".

You do not distract the driver - most of us learned that one years ago. I learned it at 17, as did the other people at the same college. At least, we did when the only survivor from the carload of our classmates finally made it out of hospital, and we found out what had happened. It only takes a momentary distraction.

WhatTheFork Wed 30-Jul-14 02:47:54

YANBU OP.

notkatemiddleton Wed 30-Jul-14 11:00:41

And now DH has invited him to a BBQ we are hosting in a few weeks! Apparently to stay over too! I am so pissed off with DH, he didn't even consult me.

gertiegusset Wed 30-Jul-14 11:15:42

Consult you? hmm
I would have thought he'd have asked given the incident the night before last.

Nomama Wed 30-Jul-14 11:36:14

You have told DH to uninvite him, haven't you?... reasons - you are still fucking furious with the pillock who hasn't even had the courtesy to apologise to you for his gross stupidity.

Until he is officially persona non grata or has made restitution to you there is no BBQ... not as far as you are concerned. Your DH can invite whomever he likes, but if that one person is in attendance you will be [add you preferred relaxing retreat/activity here].

OnlyLovers Wed 30-Jul-14 11:40:59

Is your DH an idiot?

If this was me, this 'friend' would not be welcome in my home again, at least not when I was there.

LightastheBreeze Wed 30-Jul-14 11:41:53

Just tell you're DH you don't want him there, and make it very clear that you mean what you are saying

MarmaladeShatkins Wed 30-Jul-14 11:46:46

Your DH is a wazzock. His friend is an even bigger one if he thinks he can waltz up to your house and eat your food without a massive apology.

OnlyLovers Wed 30-Jul-14 11:49:42

Round of applause for use of 'wazzock', Marmalade. grin

notkatemiddleton Wed 30-Jul-14 11:51:38

I know, I am in disbelief at his wazzock-ness.

I have told my DH as much and I will retell him when he gets home from work tonight.

MarmaladeShatkins Wed 30-Jul-14 11:53:56

<bows>

OP, I don't think you were unreasonable. Re the driving incident, I don't think your DH was unreasonable.

Re the BBQ invite, I would insist that your DH resind the invite. And I think your DH was a total ass to invite him. And if your DH hasn't the balls to that, I'd cancel the BBQ.

I would have serious words with DH about the lack of respect he has showed you in inviting this dickhead to your home.

notkatemiddleton Wed 30-Jul-14 12:02:14

I think I am going to cancel the BBQ, my SPD is flaring up again anyway and not sure i can cope with all the bed making and tidying that comes with getting our house ready.

LightastheBreeze Wed 30-Jul-14 12:12:58

The thing is in a few weeks you are going to be very heavily pregnant and it will be a lot of work for you whilst all around you are getting drunk if your evening out was anything to go by. It could be a repeat performance without the car bit.

You will end up having all the work and no fun.

notkatemiddleton Wed 30-Jul-14 12:25:27

I know (don't remind me about the pregnancy thing- its really strange being called 'heavily pregnant' even though i am!).

The other friends coming are mutual friends and they are bringing their children. I will feel slightly guilty about cancelling it as they have given us some lovely things for the baby and they will miss out because of him.

ChasedByBees Wed 30-Jul-14 12:31:14

Wait, he tried to pick a fight with you - a heavily pregnant woman - in addition to all the chair thumping and putting everyone's lives at risk. No fucking way should he be there!

I would go ahead with the BBQ (your DH can do the work as you have SPD and uninvite the pillock. I'd be tempted to phone and uninvite him myself. that would cause massive ructions and may be controlling yes, but I would anyway

MarmaladeShatkins Wed 30-Jul-14 12:33:54

Don't cancel it!

Tell your DH that donkey work is out for you so he needs to man the fuck up and take care of shit.

Before he ponders on how he will manage the terrific task of entertaining a few friends with cooked meat, he can ring tosspot and tell him that it's not a good idea for him to come, since he offered his pregnant wife out a few nights ago and he was wrong to invite him.

Why should you miss out on a nice afternoon with actual friends?

LightastheBreeze Wed 30-Jul-14 12:35:52

Maybe if the children are all coming, have the barbecue but don't invite anyone to stay over, which should give you much less work - and un-invite the twattish friend.

I said heavily pregnant because you said in a few weeks time smile

OnlyLovers Wed 30-Jul-14 12:59:14

Marmalade, you're talking a LOT of sense.

And I'm not just saying that because I love you for the wazzock thing. grin

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 30-Jul-14 13:03:04

"I think I am going to cancel the BBQ, my SPD is flaring up again anyway and not sure i can cope with all the bed making and tidying that comes with getting our house ready."

Why would you be doing this work rather than DH?

But agree - invite people over but don't have anyone to stay.

LineRunner Wed 30-Jul-14 13:03:22

Absolutely uninvite the wazzock.

No staying over for anyone.

DH does all the preparation and clearing up.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 30-Jul-14 13:03:41

...unless you'd rather not have people over at all at this stage of PG, which is fine.

notkatemiddleton Wed 30-Jul-14 13:11:16

I can't have them over and they not stay really, they live in Leicester and we live in Dorset so the agreement was for them to come and stay on their way for a family holiday. We stayed with them a couple of months ago so its kind of a return for the favour.

I will probably just uninvite the dick head or tell DH to.

MarmaladeShatkins Wed 30-Jul-14 13:18:22

Arf, OnlyLovers! You can't resist a woman who calls a wazzock! wink

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 30-Jul-14 13:28:05

Ah, fair enough. DH should do the beds though!

writtenguarantee Wed 30-Jul-14 13:45:57

This is the thing, my DH was just like 'He was drunk' and shrugged his shoulders. Yes, but him hitting the back of a drivers seat, in the middle of the night, when i was nervously trying to get us all home could have resulted in an accident!

I don't think you overreacted. Your DH asked once (1 time too many in my opinion), and he didn't stop. What he did was distracting and dangerous, and totally immature. Yeah, he was drunk, but that seems to be a blanket excuse for everything nowadays. I like to have a few drinks sometimes as well like the next person, but you still have to watch your actions.

allisgood1 Wed 30-Jul-14 13:54:16

I think you're about as hormonal as me (34 weeks) smile in which case you perfectly rightly lost your temper with this twat friend of your DH's. smile

On the other hand you went a bit OTT and to be honest you've been a little OTT throughout this thread too. It could have been handled differently (without pregnancy hormones) but what's done is done. Don't fall out with your DH over something this trivial.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 30-Jul-14 14:39:36

I think your DH needs to man up, tell his friend to apologize to you properly and then see if you can be bothered to be hospitable to him.

HopefulHamster Wed 30-Jul-14 14:41:35

Dickhead needs to apologise to you personally before he comes anywhere near your house again.

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