ive just exploded at DH(40 Posts)
Bit of background, Dh is a wonderful father very hands on to 6 and 3 year old. He does do things around the house if asked e.g. washing up butalways needs to be prompted. Diy etc the will start but wil take weeks/months of nagging to finish it off. He also isnt career minded and does not earn muchbut works full time, i am the main wage earner on a modest salary under 30k per annum. He is not great at budgeting and i pay all the bills etc and he gives me a proportion towards these but not much as he dosent earn it. He also continoulsy needs £20 here and there petrol to get to work etc which ive always obliged as we are trying to make a living etc All this has been slowly eating away at me last weekend i started an argument re these bits and miracoulsy theywere all done and dusted and he has beennsucking up to me which he knows i dislike.
Anyway 3 and a half weeks ago i had a large spinal surgery. Not really thinking i agreed to do a cricket tea for his sunday team today. My DM had the children all day and has them overnight to allow me to do this. I have spent all bloody day busting my guts cooking, i took it to the club, washed up afterwards and then went jome and spent a further 3 hours cleaning the kitchen (everything takes me ages, and im on high doses of morphine). He had told me earlier that we would go to the pub afterwards when he had finished. I was looking forward to it as due to the dcs i havent been out for a while. So 9pm comes and goes and its too dark for cricket. So i drove to the pub (really shouldnt) which is a 2/3 min drive away. To find him sitting there having a jolly. He has spent £10 of the reimbursed cricket tea which i have spent. I went mad at him. Basically saying that i had busted a gut all fucking day he was sitting there drinking money that i need to buy the weekly shop, he said that his phone was off and had run out of batter. He couldnt be arsed to come and pick me up to go to the pub. He had been there for an hour already!!!.
I feel completly cunted off.
I went home packed his clothes and returned them to him outside the pub. (It makes me sound unhinged im not really but i feel so completly shat upon) and told him i was done with our relationship.
Urgh vent over (but still shaking and a bit tearful tbh)
Poor you. He sounds difficult and you're suffering. No real words of wisdom but I'd give it a day or two to cool down and rethink chucking him out.
If he's a great dad and does things most if the time maybe it was more of a one off him being an arse.
Mmmm, he sounds inconsiderate to the extreme. I'm not sure I could put up with it.
You are recovering from major surgery and did the cricket tea and then he just left you knowing that you were looking forward to a drink.
He sounds bloody selfish op and I hope you feel better soon.
I can't blame you.
You spent all day doing stuff for him, he can't even be bothered to come and get you to take to the pub and spends money you need to live next week.
YANBU to be annoyed tonight - what was his reaction when you turned up at the pub?
Your relationship does sound a little more parent and child, than 2 equals, but that nay be the wrong impression just based on what you wrote. Tbh, I would have not agreed to the tea, or would have gone back on it due to my injury in your place. it sounds as if things have been building up for a while, and this tipped you over the edge.
Hope you are ok - you need to think about what you want to do long-term.
I am right behind you - and totally agree that you should feel cunted off [great phrase].
How fucking selfish. I'm fuming for you.
He sounds like a fucking tosser
Has he always been this selfish?
Oh God, cricket teas. Why the fuck do women make them, watch the men sit around eating them and then wash them up?
They are enough to make any sane women explode even without the pain and back surgery.
He had better have a very strong apology of action as well as words for you.
I doubt delivering his clothes to the pub was the best way to deal with it but I don't blame you at all.
TBH, on realising that the tea was so close to your surgery and that you would still be on strong drugs I think he should have made your excuses and found someone else to do it this time - then stayed home from the cricket himself.
How did he react to the clothes?
I'd be fuming too. Absolutely fuming. I guess if he apologised from the bottom of his heart and realised you need more support (and gratitude) this is salvageable. Otherwise, I'm not sure. It's not something you can really let go of is it?
I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
I don't think you sound at all unhinged, just justifiably angry at the way he has taken advantage of you so thoughtlessly. Maybe throwing him out permanently would be a bit drastic but, with luck, your blow up will give him food for thought.
When you have had time to stop feeling so upset it would be advisable to re-think and re-negotiate your financial arrangements. You say you pay all the bills and he gives you some towards it. But how much of his salary does he keep for his own personal use?
Perhaps you should agree that all the money is pooled and then work out a more complete budget that includes necessities like petrol for the car so he can get to work etc. After the necessities and savings you then each agree an amount for personal spends. If he exceeds his amount then tough.
Oh and a tough talk is definitely needed about him doing an equal share of housework.
OP I don't blame you either, he is selfish and totally inconsiderate.
You have been through a lot by the sounds of it, has he given you any support at all?
Yes hesterton, I was trying to ignore the ridiculousness of the cricket tea. Actually I had no idea it still happened in quite that way. Surely most active players are under 40 and presumably their wives the same. How does that still happen?
YANBU. He's behaving like a child. You are not his mother
He needs to grow up
I don't blame you op, sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand.
Thanks for all your replies, he came home after about 20 mins full of apollgetic bullshit, im sorry, i didnt realise, i didntthink blah blah blah. I have said i need space for a few days and he dosent knkw what tomdo with himself. One poster hit the nail on the head saying it feels more like a parent child relationship. Yes i feel like this too. No he isnt normally selfish by anymeans but does not think. Well at least not like me. Nkt sire regarding the reaction about the clothes again not sure of what to do. Tried to sit in the car and i wasnt having any of it really i swore blue muder at him. I dont know....i love him very much but i want old fashiondly to be looked after, be able to stay at home with the kids etc and with no rocket up his arse to progress thats unlikley and i think i do resent him for this and its just becoming more and more apparent.the old adage...if money was no object id have no issue (bar the pub, thats just shitty)
Excuse the typos mn, naturellement!
No he isnt normally selfish by anymeans but does not think
Not thinking about someone who has just had spinal surgery is selfish! Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life like this?
Did you ask him to help at all with the tea? Given your medical condition I would have thought that he could at least have taken it to the club and come back to help lean the kitchen.
If you have just had spinal surgery, you should not have to ask for help, and he should not need telling that you were in pain, nor not to spend your hard earned cash!
I'd tell him he needs to sort himself out or don't bother coming home again.
Your whole relationship sounds very unequal to me. Starting with financially - why aren't finances more shared? You say he can't contribute much as he doesn't earn it. So are you both contributing the same proportion of your wages and ending up with equal spending money? That would be a fair starting point.
He should be waiting on you hand and foot whilst you are recovering from surgery (as I would do with my dh in the same position).
If he is a wonderful father, not normally selfish etc, then don't kick him out over this. That is childish and if you haven't been unhappy for years then not worth ending your relationship over.
By all means be furious with him and have a huge row. But it is not enough, on its own, to divorce or split over.
I had spinal surgery almost six months ago. Well done, you crazy loon. I couldn't have made a tea but had family over one weekend when is just cowl out of hospital. Shattered me. Drugs made my emotions very intense and I was not quite myself. At all!
I think he (and you) need to take stock of what's a reasonable amount of 'stuff' for you to do. Hope this bikes across as caring and not patronising. It's not meant to be. I was back working within three weeks. Helped me in a way as took my mind off the horror of it all but what a loon I was!
It was me who hates going back on things and tbh i thought saugsage rolls, chicken, pzza sandwiches i can do that no issue. I didnt think itwoud take me all day and be so hard!. He did help out all morning with the house etcand he did stay at home away from cricket the last 2 weeks it was me who said go. I can move around just get tired and he helped me when at the club as i couldnnt lift the tea pot for example he did this. I just feel hurt, i did end up sobbing kast night.he said he didnt come to get me as he thought i would be exhausted etc and i pointed out that i was crippeled and exhausted but had purpousfully stayed upand waited so just felt forgotton. And then due to being so phyically exhausted i sobbed and sobbed. Financially he gives me as much as he can, it is open he does not have much spare cash at all proportinally its the same between us but its stressfull aranging everything.we did have a good chat and i dont think he realised how i felt about stuff and how much resentment i was harbouring.i am exhausted today,he has gone to work and my mum will bring the kids backlater. I even said to my mum the other week that its difficult to judge someones pain when you cant actually see the injury etc. Lets see how the next week or so pans out but he realises how hurt i am re yestdrday and the catalyst it was for everything else.
I agree entirely re not being able to SEE how someone feels. In fact, I felt so appallingly bad both physically AND emotionally that I made an extra effort to wear make up and brightly coloured clothes- or I'd have sunk into a depressed hole. Consequently, friends told me how well I looked. I felt mixed about that. But it did help. I was a bit sarcastic to people who were (rudely) surprised to see me looking so well. They appeared to be disappointed to find me looking so well as they'd 'made a special effort to come to see me thinking I had had major spinal surgery'
, which I had. I told then that the operation wasn't on my face.
I found that the drugs for back surgery affected my emotional state hugely. There is a MN group and Facebook group (of us MN) of mums who've had back surgery or who have back problems. It's very supportive. You'd be most welcome to join us.
My dsis has just had spinal surgery. Seeing her so weak and vulnerable has really shocked me. I would've automatically cancelled any event that involved her having to work for at least the next 4 weeks.
Your dh has been very thoughtless but at least you are talking about it now and telling him how you feel.
As an aside, Pancakes and Anony you have given me more insight into how my sis is feeling. She is very tearful and emotional and I understand a bit more now.
Sorry for highjack!
I think you need to separate the immediate issue from the finances. Sounds like he was extremely thoughtless over the cricket stuff (and you were a bit silly to insist on doing it but I am a bit like that so understand) and you are well within your rights to be furious that you had to clean up by yourself.
The money thing you may be BU. The household income should really be pooled, he shouldn't have to be begging you for some money for petrol. If he's so sh1t with money that he can't be trusted to have enough left for petrol then I'm not sure what to suggest other than having a complete rule that you have enough each for essentials and no top ups.
Anonymust thank you, you describe things perfectly. You try to make an effort but it still bloody hurts and i get very very stiff at times. I will find the back section on mumsnet! Ive had 8 screws and two rods put in with a fusion as the top half of my vertebre was falljng off the bottom bit. Its nithing like he agony before but my leg is still dead and i suppose im just fed up and hate being restricted. We live very rurally so depend a lot on people taking me out to shops etc. Not used to that. I have a stick though moving on from the zimmerframe whoop! I dont use it when im pottering about but still have the odd topple over which isnt fun and i have the kids most of the time as on school hols. My mum has been bloody fantastic!. I think i will probably use your line of i didnt have surger on my face! Made me laugh. We have a cleaner atm as i cant do it and yesterday has killed me. Im off to sleep some more in a bit, or at lease lie down in bed and lurk on mn.
Thornrose if this has given you insight then thats fab! Hijack away!!! Hows your sister?
As someone who has had major surgery a few times for my back and is on a perminant cocktail of drugs, and I'm currently immobile, I do understand your pain.
I also understand how the medication can affect the way you do/see things.
I have at times over reacted emotionally to situations. I appologise to DP and we move on. Especially when it comes to things that I want to do for myself. Quite often I will try/ push myself too hard/ not be able to do it/ get angry at myself/ get frustrated with those that then step in to help.
As I say I do understand where you are coming from, but I think you may have over reacted a tad with the clothes. You say you insisted on doing it and he did help a bit.
i'm not bloody suprised you're pissed off.
fwiw i had multiple fractures (unexplained) in my back. 2 weeks in hospital. complications - allergic reaction to meds. but still dh dumped the kids with his vile mother so that he could train to run the bloody effing london effing marathon.
so two days after i came out of hospital he left me (in absolute agony still, having been discharged etc) at home with the kids so that he could marathon himself. i'm still fucked off years later. i don't know why men are like that (lots are, lots aren't, i realise) but maybe you could forget to cook him dinner and go down the passive agressive route (which is often where i end up!!) xxx good luck!!
Spendide, i have tried and tried with the mkney thing. And no he shoudnt be begging for money for petrol but he has enough to cover it he is just not great. I did at one point take his bank card away from him and just give him cash every week which worked well, but why shoukd i have to bloody do that. Im not so back to square 1. And to say no more top ups, if he dosent work he dosent get paid so catch 22. Im not sure what to do.
She's doing ok. She had a T12 fracture and an operation to pin it.
She's just so tearful and upset, I was getting a bit worried but it seems normal. Hers was the result of an accident so very traumatic.
She lives alone so has had to have lots of support from me and mum which she finds hard.
Is he spending it on crap Pancakes? Or do his wages not cover the cost of childcare? Would you be both better off if he gave up work till your youngest was at school?
NEVER DO CRICKET TEAS
I speak as someone who has avoided them for twenty years. I am not equipped to fill a bridge roll merely as I was born with a vagina
PAY SOMEONE TO DO IT MEN
I have recently had Knee surgery and its a slow recovery. DH who normally is an insentitive twat really have stepped up. He has done all the cooking cleaning and childcare.
I don't blame you for having a blow out, I just hope this improves your relationship and he can show you a bit more empathy.
I really felt for you reading your op. He was thoughtless but that = selfish in my book. You sound like you do all the thinking, organising and most of the doing too. You deserved some consideration from him. I would have flipped my lid too. Is this an ongoing pattern of behaviour on his part? Letting you do everything unless he is specifically told?
I'm so sorry, OP. You sound in horrific pain. I've never had back problems so can be really oblivious but you describe it really very well.
Your husband sounds as if he's halfway there as a husband but he doesn't really support you in any meaningful way and he needs you to back-stop him. It shouldn't be like that. The two of you should work out what disposable income you have after all bills (including food shopping and fuel) and agree an amount that you will each have for 'frippery'. He doesn't need to come and ask you for top ups and nor should he.
I would have felt angry just as you did... I don't like it when adults present as infants, needing nannying. He should have seen that the cricket tea would be too much and actually stepped in - either done it himself or told the team that you wouldn't be doing it because of your surgery and they need to nominate someone else.
Maybe this blow out was just what you needed - and he needed.
Thornrose, she will be fine its just mentally as well as physically hard to not be able to do what you normally do. Its almost like having a huge dose of pmt, i think thats how i would describe it.
Splendide there is no way i would agree to him giving up work. He probably would never go back! He is back for the second time applying to the RAFin august this year, he is great at maths etc and actually enjoyed the mental testing last time and i do think this would be the making of him if he does get accepted. He dosent really get putting himself out there to get a higher salary or a better job etc. I also think the kids would drive him bonkers!
Mrs risotto, (love the name) yes unless i ask him to do something he plonks his arse on the sofz. If i ask him do do something like make the beds, washing up, put a clothes was on he will do it without a grumble but yes, he has to be asked.
thanks to the others for your replies too it does help. We are in seperate rooms now, we have spoken a bit, pleasantries and had dinner. I wouldnt describe it as frosty but i wasnt surprised that he came home tonight despite me saying i need space. We have not long lived here and his family are over 100 miles away. He dosent have solid friendships yet and needs to work but he has not pushed me to speak with him or anything.
I need some time to mull everything over, i love him very much and i do take my marriage vows seriously, i also know that a marriage takes work and has its ups and downs i just think its a bitter pill to swallow sometimes and other times it just breaks down beyond repair, as you bothneed to want itto work.
Ive also given him food for thought and i dont think he realised h8w much of a toll everything has taken recently despite me saying the same thing for months.
Again thank you all just reading reponses helps lift my spirits!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.