To want my DH to move from 5mins to 1hour's commute to be nearer my family?

(85 Posts)
NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:39:09

I feel like I might be BU but maybe not...

DH is starting new job soon which is 5mins from where we live. I am currently SAHM with 1year old DS. We like where we live and I've made some good friends in the last year since I've not been at work, but we only moved there initially for work and did not intend on raising family there etc.

Longer term plan was always to move closer to my family, who are 1.5 hours away, so compromise seemed to be to move nearer to them but still be reasonable commute for DH. So is an hour's commute (car, country roads, 30 miles) reasonable or too much, considering he is literally down the road at the moment?

We definitely need to move to a bigger house so we could possibly move in the area we already live in, although it's expensive, or make a bigger move now and hope that DH can find a job which is closer in a few years.

Don't want to be moving around too much once DS starts school too.


Helpys Sat 28-Jun-14 17:41:39

How much do you see your family and would it be worth seeing DH for 2 hours fewer a day?
Looking at it that way would make it a no brainer for me.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 28-Jun-14 17:42:15

What are his working days like? A five minute commute is a godsend if he has 10/12 hour days. Adding an hour each way into anything more than a standard 8/8.5 hr day is a big ask.

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:25

It depends on who you'd rather see m

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:39

Oops, fa

Shosha1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:55

Don't do it. I had a hours commute driving country roads. It was hell especially in the winter. I managed it for 18 months, and only that long because I was a nanny and wanted to see the children into school before I left.

Sidthesausage Sat 28-Jun-14 17:44:27

So that's a commute of 10 hours a week, 40 hours a month.

My DH commutes further/longer and its not idea. He's left before the kids are up and comes back when they are being put to bed. He isn't there to enjoy the kids weekdays and I don't get any respite between 7 and 7. Petrol also costs. There are pluses - we live in a nice green area and have a nice life style. No family anyway.

Oh Lordy commuting is awful! If he's doing that every single day, I think it's important to minimise any stress that might result.

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:45:16

Fucking hell, what's going on with my phone.

I was trying to say, it depends on who you'd rather see more of I suppose? And who your kids would rather see more.

Losing 10hrs a week with their dad to gain a couple of hours a week with their nan isn't a trade off I'd be likely to make.

CMOTDibbler Sat 28-Jun-14 17:45:38

I wouldn't. That sort of commute becomes a nightmare in the winter, and his quality of life will suffer a lot

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:46:57

At the moment I don't see my family that much because of the distance but we are close and DH is close to them too. Helpys you've kind of summed it up as I definitely would see him less, which would be harder in terms of DS and also potentially other DCs in the future.

His working days are pretty full on and long, average 10hrs I'd say, but term time only.

mumblechum1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:47:07

Losing 10hrs a week with their dad to gain a couple of hours a week with their nan isn't a trade off I'd be likely to make.


Onesleeptillwembley Sat 28-Jun-14 17:48:05

Depends what your DH wants. Sounds u to me.

ilovesooty Sat 28-Jun-14 17:48:21

I think expecting this of him is unreasonable, I'm afraid.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sat 28-Jun-14 17:49:50

He will have to commute day in day out 2 hours a day. You would maybe have to commute once a week 3 hours to see your family, less if they came to you....

How much do you want to see your family. Every day? And are they more important than DH. My DH did the 2 hour commuting when my two were little (no choice he worked in London we had to move out to afford a house). It would have been a godsend to have him nearer as all family were a minimum of 5 hours away. Don't under estimate the benefits of him being so near

cardibach Sat 28-Jun-14 17:50:21

Surely you could see more of them from where you are though? If you think an hour's drive is easily doable before and after every day's work, then surely an hour and a half is doable before and after a visit to family on a weekend?

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:50:25

This is really useful, thanks. dragonmamma you're right - I hadn't thought about how it would be depriving him and DS of time together.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:12

Commuting is horrendously stressful, I have cut my commute and my quality of life has really leaped up. As others have said, it doesn't feel so bad on nice sunny days but an hour in driving rain or sleet is just awful. I used to get quite stressed driving home in those conditions.

If you can stay where you are, but perhaps spend more time with your family (stay over one weekend a month? regular visits) it probably would be better for your husband. What does he think?

scottishmummy Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:17

You don't work but you want to dictate the travel commute for dh?yabu
It of no issue where your family are,it's of bigger issue he happy and his commute ok
I'm astonished you think this is any way reasonable

Pollywallywinkles Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:37

What does he think as it is him who will be doing the commute?

A long commute it tedious especially in the winter. I had a 45 min commute for 4 years and it was starting to get tedious. An office relocation worked in my favour and reduced the commute to 20 mins and it made a big difference to the quality of my life. I've now got a 90 min commute twice a week and I hate it with a passion.

RiverTam Sat 28-Jun-14 17:52:50

that's a very long drive twice a day, petrol will cost a fair bit too, I should think. And miserable in winter after a 10 hour day. Much better quality of life him being so close - better for you to, I would have thought.

Deemail Sat 28-Jun-14 17:53:20

Yabu, you want him to drive an extra 10 hours per week on top of doing 10 hour shifts. If you really wanted you could visit your family at least once a week without it been a big deal.

redskyatnight Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:10

I wouldn't make my DH do an hour's commute each way if it was avoidable. It'll mean he has next to no time with the DC.

If you don't see your family that much because you live an 1.5 hour away (which tbh is not that much at all, you can easily drive there and back in a day), I would wonder if you'd actually see that much more of them/they'd be the support network you presumably want even if they were closer.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:40

At the moment we do see them every 3weeks or so and we usually go to them as they have much more room so we can stay. I guess I was thinking longer term of DS starting school and us hopefully having more DCs, and having my parents nearer for support, but I definitely don't want DH to be exhausted and miss out on seeing DS (and me).

Smartiepants79 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:52

Is there not a bit more of a compromise? Say half way between both, or does that just leave you with the worst of both worlds?
A hour is a long time.
Unless you DH is fully on board it can't be done I don't think.
Would it really impact on how much time he sees the children day to day?
Cos it wouldn't make much difference for my DH. He only works 10 mins away but is still rarely home before bedtime.

lurkerspeaks Sat 28-Jun-14 17:55:53

I loathe commuting.

Family dynamics always puzzle me but if you have gone down to being a single income family it always seems slightly daft to make the single earners life considerably more difficult.

I also agree - if you won't consider doing 1.5 hours return to see your family WTF should your DH do 2hrs daily!

ExcuseTypos Sat 28-Jun-14 17:56:22

No I don't think you're being unreasonable.
If he only works term time I presume he's a teacher, so you'll have lots of time during the holidays to travel to see parents.

FellReturneth Sat 28-Jun-14 17:56:24

Was it always both your plans to move closer you your family, or just your plan?

Where are his family in all this? Are you moving further away from them?

Why can't you move somewhere in the middle so you are not too far from either your family or his job? He has to do that drive single every day, whereas you don't need to see your family every day, nor do you have to do the journey in rush hour, in all weathers. He does.

Plomino Sat 28-Jun-14 17:59:22

I do two hours each way driving to work day in , day out . It's miserable , stressful , uncomfortable , expensive , and is the single biggest cause of my bad moods when I come home from work . It's one thing doing it in the summer , but an hour on the road in the winter can easily become an hour and a half , or two when you factor in snow, ice , road accidents , roadworks , even on country roads . Not to mention the added danger if the risk of falling asleep at the wheel . I now know all the decent lay-bys in Herts and Cambridgeshire to sleep in , because I've had to stop and power nap after a long day , rather than write the car and myself off getting home .

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:01:26

scottishmummy I wouldn't say it's of no issue where my family are. We're just trying to put a better support network around us.
He says he just wants what is best for all of us, but of course I don't want him to be miserable which is why it is really useful to hear about commuting - no one has said it would be ok, so that's really helpful.

DraggingDownDownDown Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:00

My parents live over an hour away and they support me just fine. It depends what type of support you want and are they willing to give it.

My DH used to have a 2hr commute each way and it was HELL for him and me - especially when I went back to work.

I personally wouldn't move as I don't think being that far from your parents is an issue. If they want to see you and help they can always come to you. Also making decent friends is a godsend and not something that happens to everyone.

scottishmummy Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:23

No you're making where your family are the issue,potentially increase his commute
Important is him having work life balance and not burdened by excessive commute
Your priority need to be his welfare,not where your family are

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:45

well, is the area you live in now one you want to settle in long term for your DS's education? If not, I'd move soon, but not that far away. You'd still be driving an hour to see your parents and back, so not 'popping in and out' distance, your 1 hour commute would be fine on empty roads in summer, but would become a lot longer and harder with other traffic and in winter.

Is your DH a teacher? you mentioned term time only. You might want to move a little further away because it can be rather 'painful' to live in the community a teacher teachs in for bumping into pupils and parents on weekends and your own DCs not wanting to be at the same school their dad works at. but there's a big difference between being say, 20 minutes away (far enough that your neighbours kids won't be in your DH's class), but close enough that his commute is rather easy.

Other suggestion, if he is a teacher, is there any roles in schools near where your parents live? would he consider moving to a school in that area?

Ronmione Sat 28-Jun-14 18:03:52

I think asking you dh to see less of your ds so you can see more or your family a bu,

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 18:05:20

No definatly not. I would move heaven and earth for my dh to work 5 mins away.

We live in the midlands and he works weekly in London.

It's horrible.

andsmile Sat 28-Jun-14 18:06:32

Stay put.

Having a partner nearby that can be home quickly and stress free from traffic issues is worth the quality.

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:08:39

oh and when it comes to support network, a DH who is home to eat dinner with you as a family regularly, who can pop back at a short notice, who isn't knackered from a long drive to/from work, who can eat breakfast with his DCs, who could do things like pop home in his lunch break if you were ill, is going to be worth so much more to you than extended family. If you wanted to go back to work later, your dh being so close to home owuld make drop offs and pick ups a lot easier to work round...

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:09:58

fellreturneth - yes, it was always his plan too. His parents live 5hours away and if we moved we'd be an hour nearer to them too.
Moving somewhere in the middle doesn't really work as that would be the worst of both worlds for both of us.
Terrible driving conditions, falling asleep at the wheel etc. are the things that concern me the most. Clearly I am BU, but that's ok- I thought I was.
In my defence though, I am not against driving 1.5 hrs to see my family -I do that at the moment - but it was more about moving for a slightly different kind of life in terms of family and friends being able to pop over and help out at the last minute with things. That is something that he really wants too, but I think we will have to wait for that, at leat until one of us gets a job nearer to where we want to be.

If I were your DH no WAY would I agree. Commuting is hell. Would you be prepared to spend 2 hours of your day sitting in a car when it could be 10 minutes. YABVVVU to even consider asking him to do it.

If the longer-term plan is to move to another area, then you need to work at putting the whole package in place - a home for you all and a job with a reasonable commute for your DH. If he's just got a new job, then I'd suggest you sit tight for a couple more years and then move to your "forever" location with his next job move.

Iseesheep Sat 28-Jun-14 18:12:56

I've been commuting windy horrible country roads for an hour plus each way for just about a year and it's horrible. Not so bad in the summer but really crappy in the winter (and I mean really crappy). I took the commuting hit to take a good job knowing I'd be moving within walking distance after about 12 months, but if I hadn't no way would I have done it indefinitely. It just isn't worth the complete knackeredness and reduced family time after a mammoth day at work and then add two hours on top of it.

Just my opinion and I know plenty of people who feel very differently!

Charlieboo30 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:13:23

I travel an hour each way for work and I find it ok. I've done it for five years and it gives me chance to 'clear my head' from what's gone on at work. The only downside is the fuel cost which is worth considering. I, also, work term time only.

Charlieboo30 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:13:54

Should also have mentioned my journey is all country roads and I don't find it a problem.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:10

mary -yes DH is a teacher, as am I, although I am not working ATM. We are used to living in quite close proximity to schools so that's not really too much of a concern, although we'll see once he starts.
Longer term we will look to move, especially when I start working again, but DH will probably need to find a new job too.
I think we both fee that we want to make a conscious decision about where we want to live and where DS grows up, rathe than just end up somewhere because of work, but that's easier said than done.

I know of too many accidents that have happened on country lanes t want DH to be on them for longer than need be, especially in the winter when the time a journey takes can triple.

MajesticWhine Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:21

DH does a 1 hour commute. He doesn't like it but he changes jobs frequently and also travels a lot so we wouldn't choose to move areas for the job.
I think you are probably being unreasonable but what he thinks is obviously important. And where you want to put down roots as a family. Friends, lifestyle, schools, convenience for work are all important in this decision. Grandparents handy to have around but just another factor among all the others. We haven't had parents very close but there have been many other advantages for where we live.

MaryWestmacott Sat 28-Jun-14 18:16:37

well, family might not be able to just pop over, but you said you've made some good local friends on mat leave, give it a few years, and those friends, with DCs a similar age, will become more and more important to you. Build a network of people close by, you might still have the 'in and out of each other's houses' thing.

You might find it hard to move back to near your parents as well, other than your parents, are other family WOH so not around in the day? Do they have similar aged DCs? If not, it's not like you are going to be doing things with them anyway. I know a lot of people who had a 'great network' of family and friends, yet still felt very lonely when they had DCs as everyone they already knew in their town was out at work in the week.

And driving commuting is totally different to train or tube or bus commuting, you have to be awake and on the ball, something that after a 10 hour day is a bit much to ask of him just so you are nearer your family.

What wrong with you commuting to see them a bit more often?

PixieofCatan Sat 28-Jun-14 18:18:58

I wouldn't. I have a 30 minute commute on country roads and it's so tiring. It's not like normal A roads where you can let your subconscious take over a bit, you have to be constantly on the ball on country roads ready to react to pedestrians, tractors, cyclists, traffic coming the other way, corners, narrow roads, etc.

I did this, kind of. Moved from my family to in laws to facilitate a sahm life. I mainly did it because of redundancy as yr long mat leave ceased. I wanted to stay home. Dh was keen for me too and also have his turn near family. On paper it was and is still sensible practical financial and probably advisable.

However we woefully mis underestimated the X factor of network and familiar surroundings. We sold and rented in new city (so not small village so we figured facilitated friends/groups/social mobility). Dh discovered his commute was not as straightforwards as expected on a daily basis. The train route appeared fine done occasionally. Done twice a day it was late, often diverted , several more suicides than expected, more train bridges required fixing and the extra queuing to get on a train more challenging twice daily than he expected.

For me, I went 'mad'. I got exactly what my wish list asked for but I had no routine. I had no place of comfort. I didn't know my way from house to doctor. I lived by sat nav. My shortcuts from a to b were removed. I was blind. I couldn't go to the shops. I didn't know how. I knew no parks. No libraries. By week 3 I couldn't cope planning another day. Coping with dd at 18mths was lonely. Isolating and introspective. Not a good combination. If dh was late I was hysterical. If dd couldn't sleep I was distraught facing another long lonely day tired. Every small thing was four times worse. The relationship with in laws deteriorated. I felt a holiday maker where I was living. But it wouldn't end. When I realised I was crying on the street when lost as I'd taken a wrong turning home I called my parents who helped us plan a return. I have never been so fearful for my sanity tbh.

We were moved for 8wks. It took 8wks to disintegrate my mindset. Frightening stuff. Dd was also unsettled, missed nursery, missed her surroundings, missed home. I had no idea how much a year old/ 18 mther knew about their life. We came home. No sensible other option. I was terrified friends would reject me as it kind of felt I had them. Luckily everyone was kind.

I'm not telling you don't do it. Just make sure you properly look at your life presently. Don't underestimate what you have built in this time. It could be worth more than money or physical obviousness.

emms1981 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:20:13

I live an hours drive from my family and visit the weekends, my husband works half an hours drive from work and that's bad enough, I wish we hadn't moved from the town he works in now, with petrol costs, running up extra miles the worry of winter weather not worth it

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:20:58

Yes pixie that is my concern about the roads. Ok, thanks everyone, this is really helpful.

sykadelic Sat 28-Jun-14 18:21:04

I do 30 miles one-way for work. During winter it really sucks (I've had an "incident" both winters). I've been doing it for 2 years now and I'm burned out on it.

I read the weather report and see "storm coming" so don't go to work and no storm arrives. So I go to work the next time it says "storm coming" and one comes through making my drive home either dangerous, or lengthy, or both.

I'm looking at getting a job in a town 15-20 mins away and it will vastly improve my quality of life, especially since we plan on having kids. If I stayed working where I am, either the kids would have to drive to childcare in the town I work (bad weather would make that scary both to and from) or leave them at childcare in the town I live in meaning if there was an emergency I'm about an hour away, more if bad weather.

That said I do enjoy the drive sometimes. Sunny weather, music blaring. But during the bad weather, and emergencies, I really notice it and it's just too much now. I'd prefer to drive for fun, not because I HAVE to.

erin99 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:25:06

No it's too one sided. He works FT. 2 extra hours of 'work' effectively, every day, would leave him with barely any downtime.

My DH commutes an hour each way. It costs us a fortune in diesel and a new-to-us car every few years. We debated moving but haven't for a variety of reasons. We were discussing holidays recently and he said he wants to stay home, because he likes our house! We spend a huge chunk of our income on the mortgage and he is hardly ever here to enjoy it. It was a good point that really struck home to me. The quality of family life you would have with him working so much closer is so, so precious.

Put it this way, would you be prepared to work 10 hours a week to be that much closer to your family? That is effectively what you would be asking him to do, which is unfair when he is the one already working FT.

Hulababy Sat 28-Jun-14 18:25:49

I've done the hour commute. I was also a teacher at the time. Was horrid and not good after a long day at work, and with more work to do in the evening often. I'd rather spend those 2 hours commuting on getting my school work done than sitting in a car longer and still having the work to do. And of course fitting in family time with my child and partner.

Sigyn Sat 28-Jun-14 18:26:47

I think no.

I think most kids need to see their dad more than their grandparents. Seeing 10 hours less of him a week is too much, IMO.

Also, a 1 hour commute easily turns into much more if there is anything at all up, an accident or anything.

The only situation where I'd do something different is where dp was working very long hours anyway, say a compressed week (4 long days). was not seeing the kids anyway day to day, and so the help could make a difference.

FWIW we've never lived near family, we have 3 kids, dp and I do long hours (not at the same time-we swap around a lot) and we've always managed fine.

Sigyn Sat 28-Jun-14 18:29:02

fwiw I personally would not want to do a 1 hour commute each way.

I might feel differently if I had a SAHM at home, possibly.

Its a long way to get back if needed. But then I'm not used to a situation where I can rely on dp to even take a call (just because he sometimes can't in work), so possibly a SAHP might make things different.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:29:51

erin - yep, fair enough. I definitely wouldn't be prepared to work 10extra hours to see my family more often. I thought it was U but seeing that everyone thinks it is VU has helped make up my mind not to push him on it. And I'm sorry for everyone currently doing horrible, long commutes.

Sigyn Sat 28-Jun-14 18:30:13

(the above should have read "I might feel differently if I had a SAHP at home, possibly.". Not SAHM! )

sanfairyanne Sat 28-Jun-14 18:31:07

can your family move nearer you instead?

ouryve Sat 28-Jun-14 18:32:10

DH has a 35 mile commute. It's 40 minutes on a good day but you can add up to an hour onto if any of the main roads are congested. Day in, day out, it's miserable.

Iseesheep Sat 28-Jun-14 18:33:53

I'd echo Sigyn. I've never lived close to family (closest was 2 hours) and have managed fine for the past 15 years. The only time I needed fast help was when my dad was on his last legs and a really good neighbour and friend helped out until my husband could take over. If I'd been close to home no family would have been able to help and I'd still have had to rely on friends. Never underestimate the reliability of mates!

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 18:34:15

People's situations are very different though arnt they.

I would move the earth to get dh a 5 minute commute.

I would, and do would he be bloody ecstatic with an hours commute to be honest.

He works much further away and is away all week.

Don't do it op. Family life and time together are priceless.

Stay out but look got jobs in the area you want y
To settle in.

Delphiniumsblue Sat 28-Jun-14 18:36:27

Commuting is very stressful- really tells on your health.

BackforGood Sat 28-Jun-14 18:36:33

No way would I swap a 5min journey for a (usual) hour's journey - which of course has the potential to become a lot longer with weather, accidents, blocked roads etc.

If it's too big a trip to visit family / for family to visit more than once every 3 weeks, why on earth would it be OK to do it every day ? confused

Think also about when he has to go back in, in the evenings - concerts, open evenings etc, which he can now pop home for an hour inbetween school and evening, but couldn't if you moved.

If you add 2 hrs of travelling on to a 10 hr day, he's never going to see his ds, and nor are you going to spend any time with him - let alone have him contribute much in the home.

As dc get older, and need ferrying about more, you will love the fact he has a short commute, and a certain amount of flexibility after 3.30 on the odd day when you need it, which you will lose if you move.

SueDoku Sat 28-Jun-14 18:38:06

I commuted 20 miles each way for 23 years - in the summer, it wasn't too bad (an hour each way) but in the winter it was vile (my record for the journey home was 4.5 hours..! shock). Luckily I had friends who lived near my work, and several times I had to stay with them when the roads were completely blocked.
Stay where you are - unless you both obtain new jobs near your parents.

PixieofCatan Sat 28-Jun-14 18:47:20

Bad weather is the other thing. I'm a nanny and my family are away, so I planned to split my working day across today and tomorrow, but do 8/9 hours today and 1 or 2 tomorrow, but because it was starting to get dark and the rain was really heavy at 5, I decided to come home as I didn't want to be driving in heavy rain on country roads in the dark and I'll just do more tomorrow, but when you haven't got a choice in the matter it's not fun having to drive home in horrid weather!

maninawomansworld Sat 28-Jun-14 18:51:34

That's quite a long day you're consigning him too - every single day.
That's 40 hours a month in a car or 480 hours a year - that's an incredible 20 DAYS... just so you can live a bit closer to your parents.
If he's happy for it then fine, but it's a big, big ask.

A friend who had a very good job 10 mins from home did it a few years ago. She (and family) moved about an hour away to be nearer her family with the idea that she'd work 4 longer days and compress the week , giving her a longer weekend to get over the commute.
Within a year she had left the very well paid job she loved after being off for a couple of months with stress and exhaustion.

Don't do it, you will regret it.

500smiles Sat 28-Jun-14 19:10:15

DH has gone from what your DH has to what you want your DH to do. It's killing him tbh and I would really like him to switch back. Don't do it is my advice

FellReturneth Sat 28-Jun-14 19:31:30

Ok, if your DH's family are five hours away it makes sense to be a bit closer to at least one set of family, and 30 miles in the context out five hours in neither here nor there to them.

However, I agree with MadameCastafiore about the rural roads - very slow and a real pain in the neck in poor weather and the dark, short days of winter. I would try to compromise and find somewhere nearer to family, but near a major trunk road for DH. A stressful commute can take a real toll on your quality of life, and he doesn't have the kind of job where he can opt to work from home sometimes.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 20:00:56

Thank you - I really appreciate all these comments. A stranger's objective perspective is so helpful. We've just had a little talk about it, and I showed him this thread. I think we're going to move but stay in the area we're in so DH keeps his short commute. Hopefully we can move to where we want to be longer term but the priority is for us to be able to spend more time together as a family and for DH (and me!) to not be exhausted by travelling/childcare. I think the day to day reality of an hour's commute would be too much.

RiverTam Sat 28-Jun-14 20:15:38

the positive thing to remember is that teaching is very flexible, location-wise, so as you're lives as a family change and progress you have the option to move. We are stuck in London for work, like it or not, which is great much of the time but an utter bore some of it!

Coveredinweetabix Sat 28-Jun-14 22:44:13

What is your longer term plan? Are you hoping to have more DC? Do you intend to go back to work? Do your parents/other family members work or are they retired?
If you're going to be a SAHM long term then, other than for the social side of things, do you need family support? If your DC is ill, you will be able to collect them from school. If you need someone around to service the washing machine or because something is being delivered, you can be at home for it. You don't need to rely on your mum or someone popping down the road to do it in the way that you may do if you were both at work full time.
If your parents and other family members work then it may not have that many benefits anyway as they will be out of the house as much, if not more, than your DH is. If your parents don't work and would be willing to do childcare a day a week or something like that, then that is a different factor to put into the equation. Even in the latter scenario, think through the logistics. Do they go away a lot? If so, will they realistically look after your DC every Wednesday or will it be every Wednesday except the two weeks we're in Majorca in September and then we have A&B coming to stay at the end of October and are planning day trips with them so it's not really appropriate to have DGS that week either etc meaning you can only really rely on them for as hoc childcare which they can probably do whether they are 1.5 hours away. How old/healthy are they? Looking after one 1yro is very different to looking after a pre-schooler and a toddler.
If you are planning a second child, do not underestimate how that changes things. My DP is rarely home from work before 8pm. That wasn't a problem when I only had one DC. With DC2, it was nigh on impossible. Trying to cluster feed whilst also doing tea, bath & bed with a toddler was a real challenge and it would have been totally different to know DP was only 5mins away and would be home for some, if not all, of that. Likewise, he could have helped get DC1 dressed & breakfasted whilst DC1 wanted another marathon feed. If you have given your DH a longer commute, then he won't be home for this and, if you have family just down the road, you will probably ask them to pop around & help and it will be of great benefit to you and very kind of them if they do. But, after a busy day and a long commute and possibly not having seen his DC the previous day due to there being a staff meeting or something which meant he was home late, will your DP appreciate coming home to find his MIL there? You say they get on well now but then they only see each other every three weeks.
If your child is 1 now, they will be starting school in Sept 2017 so you will be applying for school places between Oct 2016 and Jan 2017 (if the system doesn't change) which gives you 2.5 years in which to decide where to live and sort out jobs accordingly.

NewToAllThis11 Sun 29-Jun-14 23:32:56

Thanks, weetabix. Yes, long term plan is to have more DCs (hopefully) and go back to work, part time at first. I take your point about it being way better to have DH there to help with mornings and evenings a bit. DH will definitely be in new job at least 3 years so we'll almost definitely have to move once DS has started school but think that's unavoidable...

sashh Mon 30-Jun-14 07:43:40

Don't do it.

A 1 hour commute can become 2 hours if it snows, there is an accident or roadworks.

And it means you have to maintain a car, have you looked at how much the commute would cost in terms of petrol and wear and tear on the car? Would dh have to miss a day's work if the car needs an MOT?

And that's on top of what everyone else has said

bragmatic Mon 30-Jun-14 07:49:00

If you can avoid an hour's commute then I'm of the opinion you should so so. Commuting has hairs all over it.

KatieKaye Mon 30-Jun-14 07:56:19

Moving would add 40 hours a month to DHs workload. Which is another working week. So not something I'd even consider given the circumstances you describe. Your family is only 1.5 hours away and you aren't working so if you want to see them more it would be mad to even consider moving.

For the future, a move will depend on many factors: is he happy in his current school? Does it offer opportunities for progression? What is the likelihood of you both being able to find jobs in a new place rather than staying where you are , with the security of his job when you start looking? I'd be considering all these factors very carefully, but at the moment I'd be staying put and putting my DHs welfare above my own wish not to have to drive to see my parents.

seaweed123 Mon 30-Jun-14 08:58:03

I always thought that colleagues who did similar commutes were crazy, but last year I moved a 50 min drive / 1 hour bus journey from both our works. I love it - we have a dream house that would have cost double in town, and a rural location, which we wanted.

We can also visit PIl as a day trip rather than needing to stay overnight.

For us, it is definitely worth it, and I'm glad DH talked me into it (I initially thought it was too far, for all the reasons PP have said). The drive is nice when we do it together - a chance to get all the work talk out of the way before we get home. The bus is nearly door to door, and an excuse to switch off for an hour and read a book. So not at all stressful.

I think it does depend on the commute.

DeWee Mon 30-Jun-14 09:28:58

Have you factored in the extra expense too? Not just petrol wear and tear to the car-you may also find you then need 2 cars.

Dh usually works a bike ride awy from where we lived. He was placed out an hour away for 3-4 months when the dc were little. Firm hired us a car, I didn't realise until he did it how much effect it would have on our family. He arrived back exhausted, at just before the dc's bedtime so they got excited, were later to bed, he found it very difficult.
In fact I haven't found it so nice, but it is actually easier the times he has worked away for the week (back at weekends) when it's been further away.

Wouldn't choose the commute ever.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 16:50:38

Thanks for all the advice; we're going to stay put for a few more years and then look to move once DH and hopefully I have new jobs in the right area. Everyone who said that I needed to put my Dh's welfare above my own desire to live nearer my parents was right.

We both felt that it would be good to live closer to family and be able to see them and friends round there on a more ad hoc basis, rather than having to pack up the whole house for a weekend visit, but we've coped so far. I guess I'm a bit worried about having another DC and coping with DS and a new baby, but DH being 5mins away will really help with that. I think I need to go with the flow a bit more, rather than always trying to plan everything!

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 30-Jun-14 17:10:27

Dh is a teacher and we actually did move from a five minute journey to work to just over an hours (typically its working out at 1.20).

He has missed time with the children and its always been part of the plan to find the right job in this area.

The fuel costs and car wear and tear are significant. He's more tired in the week. I do just about all the kids stuff in the week. We eat fewer meals as a whole family.

We are getting by at present by him leaving very early (6.30) so he does his bits and pieces of prep pre school. He stays two nights a week for meetings/ parents evenings and one night for socialising with colleagues. He doesn't see the children at all on these days. Two nights a week he leaves on the bell and we all eat dinner when he gets in some time after 5pm. Our youngest is not at her best by this hour. But he gets his holidays, my parents are on hand if we want to have a stroll in the evening when the kids have gone down, we can just pop in for a coffee/ so can they.

For us the move has been the right thing - but its not yet complete. My eldest needed to be in special school not available in our old area, youngest has complex needs that there are support services around for progressing diagnosis and our middle son has access to other children and his cousins to play with. We had a bit of a life changing event that meant we were no longer able to feel safe living where we did before.

I have no regrets about moving and see this time of a few years sorting jobs etc as just part of the whole move process. The commute to a good job for a year or three, its associated cost in time and monetary terms are something we knew was part of the whole package. Once DH finds the right job the next how ever many decades with DC, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins on the doorstep are something we can now look forwards to.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 17:52:14

Really interesting misformumnotmaid. I'm glad it's working out for you, but it sounds like it's hard going on both you and your DH at the moment. How long has your DH been doing the term time commute and is he looking for jobs atm? The trouble with teaching (as I'm sure you're aware) is that there aren't so many jobs around if you are looking in a quite specific area.
What you described (grandparents, family around etc) sounds so nice. That's what DH and I would like for our own family but it's going to take a while to get there. All things considered it sounds like it was the right decision for you. We do like where we currently live, so I don't feel upset to stay, more a bit frustrated because I want to get things sorted and us all settled down!

Rainbunny Mon 30-Jun-14 18:07:20

It'll be a hard transition. I went from having a 45-1 hour commute for years to a 5 minute walk to work and then had to start commuting 45 mins again when we moved to a new city. It's SO hard to deal with the commute again after the bliss of walking to work everyday. My quality of life was better as well, my energy levels and general mood were much better when I could walk home at the end of the work day. Now I'm driving again I realise how the commute seems to zap that last bit of energy out of me. Just something to consider.

PhaedraIsMyName Mon 30-Jun-14 18:10:36

If I were your husband I'd say no. End of discussion. Commuting is just awful. I have a long working day which is only bearable as it's 5 minutes to home. If I were leaving work at 8,9 10 at night I think I'd be suicidal if I had an hour's commute after that.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 30-Jun-14 18:13:58

He's done a year so far. A couple of interesting possibilities for jobs have come up, one he would have liked but went to an internal deputy in the department who was also Catholic - in a Catholic school, the other he didn't like the school ethos - lack of discipline and too much focus on C/D borderline kids with no high flyers or motivational programmes for those who a grade is a good personal achievement. DH cares, a bit too much sometimes, about all his kids and is keen that everyone achieves their personal targets.

Our plan was three years max. Year one and two being quite picky about jobs, year three realising that you can't be quite that picky if you want to see family too.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 18:23:54

That's what's always difficult - jobs all come up at the same point so you have to make a decision quite quickly and then possibly wait a whole other year for the next round of jobs. If he feels he can be a bit picky, then that hopefully means he's not finding it too difficult at the moment.

rainbunny I agree. I've had a very long commute myself and it was hard, so I don't want that for my DH. We both wanted it to work but every time we do the drive it's about an hour, and that's with relatively light traffic. Since we've been discussing this he's said he was really worried about it, so he's glad I've gone off the idea. Not that I'm so dominant and trying to dictate his drive to work - that's not the case at all!

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