To leave 10yo dd1 home alone while we go shopping?

(54 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:10:23

We've just been to town but couldn't find what we needed.

dd1 wants to make her own pizza, including the base, for supper, so I need yeast and strong white flour. We couldn't find any in town, so will need to go to Tesco. Let me just reiterate that all of this faffing and expense is being done for dd1, at her behest.

I wouldn't buy her a new charger for her tablet. I bought three last week. She broke 1. Left one in the middle of her bedroom floor, under a blanket, I stood on it and it broke. The third one was left in London on the very expensive school trip she's come back from.

She howled all the way home. She has nothing to play with. She never gets anything. I spend all of my money on wine (I bought 1 bottle of wine and drink less than once a week) and neglect her.

She's now upstairs in her room howling again.

AIBU to just leave her and go and get the pizza things with dd2? She turned 10 last December and is usually sensible. We'll be gone about 40 minutes.

I don't think I can face reasoning with her after her behaviour in town because she was said no to, after all that was done and bought for her to go to London and the fact that we only need pizza stuff because she wants it. Although dd2 is now looking forward to it, otherwise I'd just give them beans on toast and send her to bed.

calzone Sat 28-Jun-14 17:12:06

I would do beans on toast and tell dd2 she can have pizza tomorrow.

Dd1 should do jobs to help pay for the charger.

confused

Canus Sat 28-Jun-14 17:13:03

I'd go with the beans on toast option.

Three chargers?

beccajoh Sat 28-Jun-14 17:13:06

Sounds like a lot of hassle. I'd do beans on toast.

Gremlingirl Sat 28-Jun-14 17:13:56

My 10 year old daughter is like this sometimes so you have my sympathy. What stopped her in her tracks yesterday was, when she was howling about how unfair life was and how her brothers always get more treats etc, DH just turned round and said "but obviously, that's because we like them better than we like you" (in a very jokey way, before anyone jumps on me). She laughed and all was well.
But to answer your question, I don't think I'd leave my stroppy little mare alone for 40 minutes to go shopping. The usual MN maxim, it's not that something might happen to her, necessarily, it's that something might happen to you.

Monopolice Sat 28-Jun-14 17:14:25

Why go and buy more stuff for her?

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:14:48

Dd2 has been delightful. I don't want to punish her for her sister's bad behaviour.

The charger will be replaced from dd1's own pocket money or not all.

I would- and do- leave my 10 year old while I go to shops. I'd tell her tough about the charger.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:15:54

I wouldn't leave her alone if she is upset and rebellious, she can get herself into trouble.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 28-Jun-14 17:16:25

Yes, leave her to sulk.

If she's usually sensible it is unlikely she will suddenly not be just because she's have a sulk.

Also agree that dd2 shouldn't be punished for dd1 being a madam.

hercules1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:16:48

3 chargers in one week? Really? You're spoiling her and moaning about her being spoilt.

Ragwort Sat 28-Jun-14 17:16:54

Don't pander to her, shame if DD2 is looking forward to the pizza but by giving in to DD1 and going shopping again (not to mention the expense - I am aware of your situation and know money is tight) you are teaching her that she can have whatever she wants despite her behaviour. A 10 year old should know better than to howl over things.

And why did you buy her three chargers for her tablet shock.

And yes, I do have a child of a similar age who can be a right pain so I appreciate how tough & relentless it is, good luck.

calzone Sat 28-Jun-14 17:17:33

Normally, I would say yes to leaving a 10 y old. In this case, due to her strop, I would say No.

I would order in a pizza for you and dd2 and send dd1 to bed.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:19:57

1 of the chargers was dd2's. The other was a USB to mini USB from Poundland and she used the plug from my old phone charger. Only 1 was a proper new charger.

Dd2 is happy to go and charge her Kindle at her dad's with his charger until I replace her charger.

Canus Sat 28-Jun-14 17:23:51

But that's even worse - she broke/lost someone elses property.

Do you never show your older daughter that her actions have consequences? She's running rings around you, and you sound happy to let her.

DogCalledRudis Sat 28-Jun-14 17:25:59

Get ready bases for the pizza

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Jun-14 17:28:50

I would and do leave my 10 year old for short periods but only if she was in a very sensible mood, after telling the neighbours and with a plan of action (don't answer door, don't move from in front of computer, no making toast or cooking). I wouldn't leave her distressed as she's far more likely to forget one of these.

I don't really know why you are still pandering to her, if I was too tired to go into town, I would just say to my children 'sorry, mummy's too tired to go back into town, we'll have to have something else tonight' and expect them to lump it. I work long hours and am often tired and it's perfectly normal to not want to do stuff when you are tired.

She also sounds over-tired, perhaps go and have a calm chat about it all- and say you don't feel like going out, but also want her to have the pizza, has she got any constructive suggestions? I'm pretty sure my girls wouldn't make me go out if I were tired, perhaps developing a little empathy would go a long way in this situation.

ElephantsNeverForgive Sat 28-Jun-14 17:29:48

I'd leave her. IME 10 yearolds throw worst strops than any other age of child. There is absolutely no point in trying to deal with them until they calm down.

At 13, DD2 is infinitely more reasonable than she was at 10 and I was truly horrible (I got the worst school report ever because I was disobedient and cheeky. Far far far worse than I was as a teen).

Being 10 and being in Y5 are both difficult, DCs get a sniff at independence and year sixes responsibilities, but can't quite have them.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Jun-14 17:31:13

If she's just got back from a school trip, she probably got no sleep at all on the trip! Suggest the pizza-making for a day when she's less tired and hysterical.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:34:41

I'm not too tired to go into town, I meant I'd likely lose my temper and inflame the situation even more, when I said I couldn't face reasoning with her.

She is probably still recovering from London. She didn't get home until after 9pm and needed supper, plus was v over excited and had photos etc to show. She also waited up for a while longer than needed to see if her dad would reply to her messages/pick up her calls and come to see her photos (he didn't sad ) and was then up early to come to work with me, which goes some way to explaining her behaviour.

She does cry often when she gets said no to but she doesn't normally howl and it usually only lasts a few minutes before she gives up.

She seems to be coming round now, dd2 went up to see her and offer her one of her toys to play with.

I'll leave it another 10 minutes and then suggest Tesco/alternatives and let dd2 pick what we should do.

WorraLiberty Sat 28-Jun-14 17:35:45

Blimey, she'd be getting nothing but beans on toast from me.

And no, I wouldn't leave her alone while she's in that sort of mood.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Jun-14 17:36:47

Perhaps I am too soft, but I wouldn't come down hard on a 10 year old having a howl after a very exciting and tiring school trip- it's all -and the general hysteria of the thing. She'll be ok in a day or two.

WorraLiberty Sat 28-Jun-14 17:37:07

Ahh X post

Hopefully her sister can bring her out of her mood then

Thumbcat Sat 28-Jun-14 17:39:03

Yes leave her if you don't mind going out again. But only go out to get your younger daughter a replacement charger and a pizza. Don't pander to a 10 year old throwing a tantrum. Beans and bed for her.

JamJimJam Sat 28-Jun-14 17:41:20

I wouldn't leave a 10 year old.

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 17:45:31

Well I would do beans in toast. Let dd2 choose a DVD for the evening, understand that dd1 is overtired and of course possibly hormones beginning to rage, when she comes down advice you all getting in jim jams amd having a sofa cuddle and film night.

Get her to apologise to you and if possible pop to your local shop and get yourself some wine!

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 28-Jun-14 17:52:49

She's downstairs now. She's opening a tin of rice pudding for herself and dd2. She may have been hungry as well as tired, they didn't have much lunch. I meant to pick up a sausage roll from Greggs some snacks for them in town, but forgot about it with all the howling.

She has apologised for saying I spend more on wine than her. The charger has not been mentioned, nor has the howling.

She's asked if we can go to Tesco after she's put the dirty washing from her case in the machine and eaten her rice pudding. I think she realises that she went too far.

missymayhemsmum Sat 28-Jun-14 17:53:09

Nope, she's too emotional and tired to be sensible just now, and has behaved too badly to be pandered to.
Order in pizza/ give dd2 a different treat and your attention and let dd1 calm down and join in/ sob her heart out as she chooses.

missymayhemsmum Sat 28-Jun-14 17:55:54

Sorry, cross post. she has apologised. If both girls agree on a plan for the evening I'd go with it. With wine xxx

VeryDullNameChange Sat 28-Jun-14 17:57:32

Aww bless. Hope you have a nice girly pizza evening together.

Happydaysatlast Sat 28-Jun-14 18:01:52

What Missymay says. You didn't buy her a charger so that's her punishment. She's apologised, go and get the pizza stuff and let the girls bond over that. Get yourself some wine!

ElephantsNeverForgive Sat 28-Jun-14 23:57:01

Two, typical 10y absolutely lovely when they have calmed down.

And your doing brilliantly if you get an actual apology. it took DD2 until she was about 11.5 years old to actually abilities for toddler grade rants.

ElephantsNeverForgive Sat 28-Jun-14 23:58:37

two

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 29-Jun-14 00:14:41

We got there in the end, but things went from bad to worse before they got better.

She came to Tesco. She cried because I wouldn't let her have a rubber duck hmm Then she scanned a Moshi Monster toy I said she couldn't have through the self serve (I walked off and left her to explain that one to the cashier herself)

On the way home she repeatedly whacked dd2 with a stick. I snatched the stick off her and snapped it into pieces, she cried all the more.

I cancelled pizza making and sent her to bed when we got home. She would not go to bed. She would not tidy up the mess she had made. She would not apologise to dd2. By the time I found the mess they had made of my room, I exploded. I had literally had enough and would gladly have never laid eyes on her again. I told I was sick to back teeth of her and she had to go and live with her dad blush [ashamed] She replied she was running away because she was sick of me. I replied "Good, don't rush back" blush sad

Dd2 tidied up my room and apologised for her part in the whole debacle. I apologised for shouting. We both hugged.

We went to look for dd1. We found her in the street, chatting with a random teenage girl, who to her credit, told dd1 that it sounded like she had been brat and should say sorry. Dd1 did not listen and stormed home and vowed never to speak to me again.

DD2 and I started the pizzas. Dd1 eventually came down and apologised. We had a long talk. She was very, very sorry. She doesn't know why she acted as she did, sometimes she just feels very angry and like no-one likes her very much. The teenage girl had told her that mams who don't like their children don't bake pizzas with them. I told her I don't always like her behaviour but I will always love her, no matter what and that she can always talk to me. We both cried and hugged. Everyone had pizza. Dd1 made mine in the shape of a love heart.

I now have wine. She is going to clean her room tomorrow. I am not holding my breath.

mousmous Sun 29-Jun-14 00:19:03

normally I would say 'yes, leave her'
but with emotions like this, no way!

can you do pizza bread?
just use slices of bread as pizza bases.
and do the proper thing when you all have had a good night's sleep.

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:20:58

Sounds like hormones are getting the best if her. It is hard but remember being her age. My dd is 9 and has started the strops and tearfulness (not like her at all) hormones have a lot to answer for hmm.

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:22:27

Oh and as to the original question...yes if leave her if she is , normally, level headed enough to be safe smile

Fanjango Sun 29-Jun-14 00:23:02

I'd leave her not if. grin

MerryInthechelseahotel Sun 29-Jun-14 00:30:26

I think she sounded shattered. It sounds like she had a full evening instead of early bed which could have changed how the evening went.

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 29-Jun-14 00:34:47

Yes, she probably was and in retrospect, I would have left the pizza baking until another night, but I still work a few nights during the week so like to try and make the most of them on a weekend when I get to see them, plus am working extra tomorrow, so won't see her from 5pm Sunday until after 7pm Monday because she sees her GPs on a monday.

Dancergirl Sun 29-Jun-14 10:54:54

Awww, poor her and poor you. Sounds like it ended well. And well done on being so patient and a lovely mum.

A very wise person once told me this about dc - the angrier they are the MORE love they need.

JoeyMaynardsghost Sun 29-Jun-14 11:20:55

She doesn't know why she acted as she did, sometimes she just feels very angry and like no-one likes her very much.

Sounds like a mix of over tiredness and hormones kicking in.
Even at my age I get moments when I feel so angry with the world that I could cheerfully give everything and everyone in sight a good wallop.

I don't though as I have learned to recognise the signs and remove myself from trouble drink wine and eat choklit and OH knows if I want to be alone to leave me alone

ElephantsNeverForgive Sun 29-Jun-14 23:24:20

I'm not sure it's hormones, my stroppy 10yo drama queen didn't start her periods until days before her 13th birthday.

I suspect it's wanting to be grown up and have some control of their lives, yet realising that they can't actually handle freedom yet and they are scared to grow up.

They can't articulate any of this and just strop when the world doesn't go their way.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 09:42:10

I suspect it's a combination of a lot of things. She's had a lot to deal with these last few months.

We've left her dad, who used to bully her, relentlessly. She's then had to hear that she probably wasn't going to get to go London, because with leaving our finances had changed and we couldn't afford it. It must have been devastating for her when her dad then turned around and told us he was going abroad for a week in October, after claiming that he couldn't afford to help pay towards her school trip. We managed it in the end, but dd1 is aware that it was her extended family who stepped up in the end and not her dad.

We didn't deliberately tell her this. She was in the room when he told me he was going away. She'd already asked him if he could help pay for her trip and he'd already told her he was skint. She's not stupid, she knows it costs far more to fly to Spain for the week than her school trip would have cost. We did tell her who had paid towards her trip, so that she could thank them, so she does know that her own father didn't pay a penny, but this wasn't told to her out of spite. No one pointed out that he hadn't paid, we just told her who had given us money towards it.

Obviously leaving her dad has meant she's had to move house. We had to leave most of our belongings behind. For many weeks he refused to allow her to take her laptop here, despite the fact that she paid the initial deposit with her Christmas and birthday money. He paid for the other half you see and deserves to have a laptop. We've sorted that now, he now has dd2's laptop which is worth far less and is more easily replaceable. But having to leave behind your most treasured possessions, that you saved hard for at only 10 years old must have been very hard for her.

He took my phone back which she'd been asking for, when she pointed out that she was told she could have it and had been waiting 2 years for it, he told her it was tough, he paid for it, he decides who should have it. He refused to give her his old phone or any money towards a new phone. (she's getting one for her birthday)

Now she's allowed friends around, they've started inviting her to their houses. She's met their dads. She seems to have been surprised at how little their fathers shout at them. Her friends won't come here if her dad is here for anything because they are scared of him hmm She's told him this, he's told her that is their problem.

I've also found out she's been asking my mum about her bio dad, who has never bothered with her before, she's never met him. She's always been aware of him, we've never hidden the truth from her, but she's never wanted to know more before.

And on top of that she was over tired, hungry and probably hormonal and is developing breasts, which she seems to want to try and hide and deny.

I think she is feeling understandably confused and tender right now, so her tantrums are getting a little bit more tolerated than they normally would be.

She's still not getting a new charger though. She failed bedroom check yesterday, which means no pocket money for a week. She'll have to wait until next week.

taxi4ballet Mon 30-Jun-14 10:17:25

Your ex is the one who's the childish brat, not your poor dd.

SpandexBallet Mon 30-Jun-14 10:56:36

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job. Your girls are lucky to have such a strong female influence in their lives!!

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 30-Jun-14 11:05:55

Ahhh, I have a ten year old girl too, it can be pretty tough and they end up taking you to places that you wish you didn't go emotionally too.

You are her stability in all of this and are coming off worst. That happens in my house too.

She loves you and you love her.

I think reasoning with a tired hungry 10 year old girl is about as logical as reasoning with a toddler!

Hope all is better, perhaps you will have a few of these run-ins before you start to work out how to deal with them (could she strop off to her room and have you leave her next time?)

ElephantsNeverForgive Mon 30-Jun-14 11:43:29

With all that to cope with, I think she deserves a big cuddle (and a new charger to be handed over at an appropriate time).

For good and bad around 9-10 is when DC start to really put two and two together about adult motives.

It's an inevitable part of growing up, but it doesn't make her or your life any easier.

Smelsa Mon 30-Jun-14 11:46:54

Poor kid sad

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 12:04:11

I didn't know he'd told her she couldn't have her laptop here, afaik, we'd sorted that weeks ago and he was always taking dd2s. I knew her laptop wasn't here, but assumed that's because she wanted it at her Dad's for whatever reason.

dd2's is broken again, instead of telling me and asking me to fix it, ex took it upon himself to take dd1's. As soon as I found out I made sure it was brought back. It's here now. Dd2's will be repaired later today. Dd2 is happy to use the family PC here until I sort a new (second hand) laptop and is aware that might take a few months, but with the weather as it, they're playing out most of the time anyway.

I've been trying to make sure I spend lots of time with them to minimise the effect of the break up and their fathers lack of adult behaviour. We do lots of pizza nights, movie nights, girls nights in etc and we're having more days out.

I'm not sure there's any more I can do for her other than be here for her and let her work things out on her own. As much as I'd love to ban their father from seeing both of them until he learns to behave as an adult, I really don't think it would help. Despite his failings, dd2 still adores him and dd1 is still desperate to please him sad

What's going on, however, does not give her license to behave however she pleases.

Smelsa Mon 30-Jun-14 12:55:28

No, but it gives her licence to hope for a bit of leeway from mum who should expect that her behaviour is going to be affected from years of living in an abusive home and then all the shit happening now after the escape.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 30-Jun-14 14:53:10

I think -hope- she gets that Smelsa, but on Saturday night she pushed me to my very limit and I lost it.

I did apologise to her and explain that I shouldn't have said those things to her, but also that she can only push me so far, before it becomes too much. I am only human.

I do understand that her behaviour, confidence and self esteem will have been effected by all that's gone on. I am trying my best to rectify that and she does seem happier since we've moved, but of course she is entitled to have a bad day.

She's gotten what she wanted in the end anyway because I've just bought dd2 a new charger since she asked this morning for one and she did not lose or break any of the chargers this week. Dd2, sometimes to her own detriment, is very sharing and protective of her big sister. I am sure dd1 will get as much use of dd2's charger as dd2 will, but as for wanting her own, she will need to buy herself one.

Dd1 is also just plainly and simply very spoiled. She is the golden child, in my GPs eyes and very rarely hears no from them. They are always buying her things or taking her places or excusing her bad behaviour, it's hard sometimes to see what is just plain old being a madam and what is a side effect of her dad's behaviour.

Froggie2812 Mon 30-Jun-14 16:30:26

My daughter turned 11 last week and I have only just started leaving her for short bursts. Say 20 minutes? (A 10 minute drive to collect husband from the train station and then the 10 minute drive back). I make sure all doors and windows are shut and that she has her phone to hand. Probably a bit paranoid but I'm new to this. She starts secondary school in September so I'm trying to give her a little more independence and autonomy - but only baby steps!

As for your daughter, only you know how responsible she is. If she's upset then I'm not sure if it's best to leave her. She may do something irrational that you wouldn't necessarily expect her to do.

I'd order in pizza for yourself and your other daughter and she can go without. Bad behaviour has to have consequences otherwise she'll never learn and the teenage years will be HELL for you.

And she can save up and pay for a replacement charger. Again the same rule applies, if she doesn't look after her things and respect her property then she will never learn the value of money and you'll have a brat to contend with.

Good luck!

BravePotato Mon 30-Jun-14 16:47:58

Oh, it sounds a tough situation. hormones don't help.

I sometimes leave my 11 yr old (boy) for up to 30 mins. We are in a semi in a cul- de sac, know all the neighbours, I feel he could get help easily if anything happened. I don't lock the doors.

He has instruction to not answer the door.

He is, oddly, sensible when on his own, whereas with other kids he is very silly.

I would never in a million years leave BOTh my 10 yr old and my 11 yr old together for example!

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