To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

(467 Posts)
Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 14:43:52

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

LisaMed Wed 25-Jun-14 14:50:01

Eviction isn't straightforward. If the current tenant refuses to go at the end of the notice period then the landlord will have to go through the courts and it can take a while. In fact the current tenant may feel forced to stay until the bailiffs evict as otherwise they will be 'intentionally homeless' and the council will have no duty to help them find housing. Meanwhile your friend has nowhere to go and his deposit is being held, and held, and held.

Soooo the poor lad is stuck in a hard place. He could try and get his deposit back and look for a room in a shared house, which would be quicker.

I think the charity for male dv vicitims is Mankind. They are ridiculously underfunded, but it may be worth while googling and calling them and see if they have any suggestions.

I know this is tough on you, but I hope he won't be forced to go back to his abuser due to housing issues.

LisaMed Wed 25-Jun-14 14:50:46

btw only do what you can do. Sending good vibes for all involved.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Jun-14 14:51:15

Your DD said that?

Wow. I was already thinking how privileged your children are to all have their own bedrooms.

I'd send your DD back to her mates house and see if she gets away with using that sort of language to her mate's Mum.

You are doing a kind thing in giving this guy a room, sounds like he has no where else to go.

Your DD on the other hand.......hmmm, maybe you could teach her the art of compassion. However, you do need to make sure it is just a week and be firm when the time comes for him to go. You don't want to end up having him till his new place is ready as legally a LL cannot serve 4 weeks notice, it should be 2 months served on a particular day and who knows whether the current tenant will leave.

Where will he go for the other 3 weeks though, maybe the streets are his only alternative.

airforsharon Wed 25-Jun-14 14:52:43

The LL sounds a bit of a shit, and I would be concerned about the flat falling through and he might well have just waved goodbye to the deposit he has paid. However.

If it was really only going to be 4 weeks I think I would want to help him a out and let him stay. But you say he's an acquaintance rather than a close friend, and his staying means your DD giving up her room. My main concern would be 4 weeks could become 5, then 6....and resentment will build all round.

He needs good advice - CAB as a start? But I don't think YABU unreasonable to be disinclined to have him stay for too much longer.

I think as hard as it is you have to put your DD first, she has willingly given up her space for a time but now she feels she needs it back. Can your friend stay on the sofa or on a blow up bed in the lounge?

gamerchick Wed 25-Jun-14 14:54:49

There are landlords that kick people out with 4 weeks notice? Poor buggers.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 25-Jun-14 14:55:31

I am shock at what your dd said, I hope you disciplined her, totally unacceptable! It's good of you to have him, he could go to CAB or contact menkind the male DV charity for help.

LadyLemongrab Wed 25-Jun-14 14:56:07

Two separate issues.

Firstly, he was silly to pay a deposit (are you sure he has? I'm a cynical old boot but I'd think possibly a tall tale to sell the idea of another month at yours). As has been said already, chances are current tenant will be there a lot longer.

Secondly, you do not owe anybody, no matter what they're going through, a place in your home. We're there no discussions at the weekend about how long you'd let him stay?

CanaryYellow Wed 25-Jun-14 14:57:47

That landlord's current tenant isn't going to be out of that property in 4 weeks time.

I think one week is more than generous to let this man stay.

As for the DD - her room was given up without her knowledge or consent because she happened to be staying out at a friend's house for the evening. I wouldn't be best pleased to come home and find a random strange man sleeping in my room either. I don't think she's wrong to say enough's enough. Although her language is choice.

TheCatsBollocks Wed 25-Jun-14 14:58:26

How old is your DD?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jun-14 14:59:39

I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Really ? Gosh, you are all heart in your family aren't you ?

This poor bloke needs to look for a room in a shared house/flat until he can get something better sorted. I hope he manages that and leaves your place ASAP, for everyone's sake.

Have you pointed him in the direction of the Mankind Initiative ?

benfoldsfive Wed 25-Jun-14 15:04:01

Its a life lesson for your dd. For all of.you it sounds

Its a week - in this situation and the scheme of things - its nothing.

To him its everything

i grew up in a house where there was always room at our table and learnt so much by my parents being kind to thoae in need.

Its a week. Of sharing with her sister. He will be feeling akward enough and want out to i should imagine but has very little choice in the mattee.You have made hre sound like a right spoilt brat.

bakingaddict Wed 25-Jun-14 15:04:25

My suggestion would be that you don't mind storing his valuables till his new place materialises but he needs to think about some sort of temporary accommodation asap such as a B and B or Travelodge till his flat is ready. I may sound heartless but and if he was a close friend or family member i'd feel differently but he is just an acquaintance of your DH. Can he not rally round other members of the cricket club to help him out?

I fear your house guest may be with you for months

CoffeeTea103 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:09:32

Gosh your dd has a rotten mouthshock

Pantone363 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:07

Sit your DD down in front of The Blind Side and make her watch it until she learns something.

You don't have to help this man. You don't have to do anything. Personally I'd let him stay and contribute with a 4 week deadline. Think of it as a lesson in charity.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:10

Did DD really say he could fuck off, or are you paraphrasing in a colorful way?

I don't see why he can't sleep on the couch.

Not to be heartless, but domestic disputes really aren't something you want to involve yourself in unless the person is family or a close friend. By the time the victims get out they already have maladaptive coping techniques, mental health issues, dependency issues, etc.. all of which can impact their ability to get out and be self sustaining the same way a confident independent person could. He very well could make 4 weeks into 6 weeks, and so on because he may not be in the best mind frame to get out on his own. That's why they have shelters and support networks for DV victims because they need actual outside help dealing with this sort of crisis, because it's not an easy thing to overcome and it's often a complicated issue.

Don't get me wrong, they need help and deserve to get it. But it requires time, patience and understanding to help someone truly get their life back on track, and more work than you should be doing for an acquaintance. It's certainly not a situation I would bring to my door step in case his partner finds him and threatens him while the kids are there.

He needs to get real help from either a law enforcement officer, family, or a shelter where he can get in touch with a solicitor.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:14:33

I'm sorry if I have made my dd sound awful - she is really the most amazing person.
She is 21 and she was fine to let this stranger have her room for a couple of nights.
She was just in shock when I explained to her this morning that this guy wanted to stay another month and a bit hmm that some other poor guy would be evicted because of him.
She was just sounding off to me - she would never dream of saying something like that to the poor guy!

How many of you saying that OP's DD is spoilt would happily give up your bedroom for a friend for several weeks? I would certainly help a friend out and let them stay on my sofa but not in my bed!

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 15:20:26

And she is very much within her rights, NU at all to say exactly those words. She has been made a partner in his misfortune - as has the current tenant of the flat he expects to move into.

I too would be looking at the door and wondering why he wasn't making plans to use it sooner rather than later.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:21:57

Thanks AnyFucker for the link to mankind initiative. I have never heard of it before!

What is a couple of nights to most people? I said to my DD a couple of nights. She said ok a couple of nights. She is sharing a bed with her 5 year old brother.

It is getting awkward for me and the DDs as this man is not really a friend of my DH so he has never been to our house. It would be a whole lot easier if we actually knew him!

sewinghomey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:24:53

I'd suggest for the man to try and get his deposit back and look for a room in a shared house. The process would be much faster.

As for your DD, yes her choice of words are appealing, but I can see where she's coming from. I wouldn't be happy giving up my room for a further month after agreeing otherwise tbh.

Can't the man stay on the sofa or a blow up bed in the living room so DD can have her room back?

AgaPanthers Wed 25-Jun-14 15:25:18

Local church might help?

Sounds like new l/l is a cunt.

sewinghomey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:25:36

appealing?! I mean....APPALLING!!

Worst typo ever. Fuck blush

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:11

I have already refused for our living room to be used as a bedroom. That is our living space. We have also refused to accept any money from this man as we want him to use his money to get himself somewhere.
I'm actually feeling less compassionate today though because of the jobless man being made homeless!

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:44

She is 21 and she was fine to let this stranger have her room for a couple of nights.

Well that makes it much different. I think quite a few of us were expecting a closer age gap to the 5 year old. smile

No, she should not be giving up her room if she doesn't want to. Starting tonight he should be sleeping on the couch.

VeryStressedMum Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:47

The problem is he is not even a friend just an aquaintance from the cricket club. Wondering why this man called your dh and not one of his actual friends? Maybe they have been here before with this man...?

CanaryYellow Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:59

A couple of nights is 2 nights.

He's not family, he's not a friend, he's an acquaintance. Your DH has told him he can say a week so I do think at this point you should let him stay the week, on the couch or a blow up bed in the lounge.

A week is plenty of time to sort himself out with a room in a shared house.

VeryStressedMum Wed 25-Jun-14 15:28:47

So it's actually very nice of your whole family to do this for someone you don't know very well.

ComposHat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:32:26

Well tell your daughter that you will adjust her contribution to the rent/mortgage downwards for a few weeks whilst she is sharing with her sibling.

It might serve as a gentle reminder that as you and her father are responsible for the financial and practical upkeep of the house you decide who stays in which room.

littleducks Wed 25-Jun-14 15:34:08

Can you write a letter saying you don't want him to stay with you anymore to the council? So he is classed as homeless?

As a single man he isn't their prioeity but maybe they could find him a room in a flat share or something to rent

unrealhousewife Wed 25-Jun-14 15:38:50

Get your daughter to ask him to leave!

Or get him to pay for a sofa bed chair in the living room.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:41:05

verystressedmum. That is exactly what has been going through my mind this last couple of days!
I am starting to think I was BU to have said yes now but DH said he was so desperate, it was an emergency so I didn't really have time to think about it. I thought it would be just a couple of nights. I didn't realise that he would struggle so much to get somewhere to live.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Jun-14 15:45:56

Why doesn't your DD share with her sister instead?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 15:48:24

It takes longer than 4 weeks to evict someone.

He'll be there for yonks.

He needs to find somewhere else to go and a week is more than generous.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:52:30

Haha! Thanks for the suggestion worraliberty but my DDs get on fine at the moment. They would however kill one another if they had to share a room again!

But little DS is loving the novelty of sharing with his big sister so at least he is happy smile

Takingthemickey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:55:17

It is easy to say what you would do isn't it. OP and her family have been quite generous and helpful to a man who is virtually a stranger to them. A stranger who is now looking for open-ended help. Pls don't minimise or disparage what help OP and her family have rendered simply cos they don't want to continue. It is for each individual to determine the level of assistance they can render.

If you feel you can do more pls PM the OP with your details.

Zucker Wed 25-Jun-14 15:59:44

Love all the lovely generous people on this thread who don't actually have to give up anything or put themselves out in any way, judging the OPs daughter for getting in a snit about losing her room for god knows how long!

Why should the daughter ask him to leave, her father invited this man into their house and gave him her room.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:00:22

Is a section 8 notice being served? If so, it'll be two weeks. If it's section 21 it will take 8 weeks.

I wouldn't be particularly pleased if I was your daughter either.

Why can't he sleep on the sofa?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:01:41

No sympathy at all for the man who will be made homeless on top of being unemployed, either. Nice.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:08

I'm confused as to why you had him stay in your daughters room. At 21 she is at least at uni if not in full time employment? Surely your son's room would have been more appropriate.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:43

He can't sleep on the sofa because we won't allow it.

Floggingmolly Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:49

Why does the fact that he works in an employment agency preclude him renting privately??

restandpeace Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:59

Your dd sounds a charm

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:00

But it's okay to kick your daughter out.

A week is plenty of time.

I wouldn't want an acquaintance staying that long at all under any circumstance.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:24

Won't allow it as in - don't trust him downstairs in your house?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:51

OP doesn't want him on the sofa and I don't blame her. Living spaces are just that.

Does he have any inroads into where he was living with his violent partner ? Name on the rent/mortgage ? In which case, he needs to take the advice given to all abused women and get professional help/legal advice.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:07:17

A week means he has to leave by Sunday. Plenty reasonable. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

WooWooOwl Wed 25-Jun-14 16:09:00

I think your dd has a fair point, I wouldn't want someone to take over my bed for a month either.

You need to give him a week tops, so that he knows he has to be out by a certain date. The ll is unlikely to get someone out straight away with the way he's handling it, so the month could drag on for six weeks then two months, and you will never get rid of him.

He has a job, he will be able to rent a room in a B&B at least. It's not your problem, you've done all you need to for the sake of kindness already.

ChallyCreaks Wed 25-Jun-14 16:09:05

Has he been on Gumtree or similar to look for flat shares? I'm sure there are plenty of rooms he can move into quickly if he looks hard enough.

Good luck with moving him on.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:09:16

I like that expression expat

Freckletoes Wed 25-Jun-14 16:09:20

Surely there are more people at the cricket club who are acquaintances? Perhaps everyone could take their turns for a few days/ a week and then before you know it his flat will be available?!

benfoldsfive Wed 25-Jun-14 16:10:11

Id move him in to the 5yr olds roomm and give him the week but make it clear he has to be out even if the flat isnt ready then.

He could be a resident land lord which means he ciuld evict that quick

basgetti Wed 25-Jun-14 16:10:37

I think you've been more than generous, I wouldn't want a virtual stranger staying in my home for any length of time. I also think that PrincessBabyCat makes a good point that he may be in need of longer term or more specialist support than you are able to give. I would tell him that it was only meant as a very short term arrangement and you don't have the room to let him stay longer.

MisForMumNotMaid Wed 25-Jun-14 16:11:18

Have you got a private drive?

Just wondering if you could between you all scrape together enough for a cheep caravan - assuming your continued good will, he could hook up water and power to the house and essentially you'd all have some privacy for the month + he's between a rock and a hard place and with no family its such a difficult situation all round.

It'll then be start of school holidays and you should get the money back on the caravan by onselling.

ChelsyHandy Wed 25-Jun-14 16:13:17

I'm making a guess that most of the people criticising your 21 year old daughter have never been in the position of giving up their room in their own home for a man they barely know.

I too find it strange why he hasn't asked any actual friends this massive favour first. And I would expect him to be bending over backwards to offer you money to pay for it. I also find it odd that he would hand over a deposit to a landlord who currently has a tenant and is so confident of getting them to move out.

I'm cynical because when I advertised a room for let in my house, there was a definite category of "men who had been thrown out by/split up with their girlfriend/kicked out. It really opened my eyes as to how many of them were living in someone else's house in such a way as to place themselves in this situation without any safety net, and how eager they were to move into another woman's house. As I say, I'm cynical. And not wishing to denigrate sufferers of DV in any way. I take it the police are involved?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:15:59

Why can't he sleep on the sofa?

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:16:50

I don't want someone using our living room as their bedroom

Littlef00t Wed 25-Jun-14 16:17:40

To be honest an emergency homeless shelter might be ok. They usually kick you out during the day, but as he works would be ok. They are usually for 30 days. They're not all that bad really. You would have thought he would have other friends or acquaintances he could crash with if he really didn't like that option.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:17:43

And he has money to hand to this LL but 'no savings'?

LurcioAgain Wed 25-Jun-14 16:18:00

I feel desperately sorry for your DD, to be honest. At 21 she's an adult, and she's being expected to give up her space, her privacy and sleep on the floor in her kid sister's room for weeks for a complete stranger? I think I'd use the "F" word at that point too. FWIW I have in the past taken friends into my house for indefinite periods of time when they've been in difficult circumstances - but the point is this isn't her friend/acquaintance nor is it her choice - the situation's just been dumped on her. So I think all the posters having a go are missing the point. If her parents choose to help out an acquaintance, then let him have their bed and they can sleep in the sitting room or whatever. Parents not prepared to do that? Then don't expect their adult daughter to do so either.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 25-Jun-14 16:19:23

Would the council have to give him emergency accommodation if you kicked him out?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:19:53

I wouldn't want some random guy using my bedroom as a living space, either.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:21:41

So you won't give up your living room but you will give up your daughters bedroom. Nice.

Why didn't you have your son in with you and give him your sons room? He is 5, correct?

basgetti Wed 25-Jun-14 16:23:04

Why couldn't he use the money he had to get a room or somewhere straight away, rather than using it to secure an already occupied flat in a month?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:24:19

I think he's trying to score a free place to crash, tbh.

PiggyontheRailway Wed 25-Jun-14 16:24:20

Fuck me the milk of human kindness is just over flowing on this thread. No wonder the world is the way it is when people are willing to help each other as long as they dont have to put themselves too much.

wafflyversatile Wed 25-Jun-14 16:24:53

as well as mankind Shelter may be able to give advice.

I'd have thought he needs to go to the council and say he is homeless. You might need a letter to say he can't stay there any longer.

It might be a case of getting her out. Are there children? Seems to me that if she is abusive he would be in a better position if he and the kids were in the same place and she moved.

Anyway, start with getting him to call mankind. I'm sure they will have plenty of experience of this same situation before now.

Takingthemickey Wed 25-Jun-14 16:25:22

This is real escalation of assistance - from offering him a room for a few days, to a week, a month, months etc

OP did you even check out his story before moving him into your home?

YouMakeMeHappy Wed 25-Jun-14 16:25:30

I'm shocked at how many people would happily let a virtual stranger doss at their house! (Or say they would)

OP, I think you've done enough. I wouldn't have said yes in the first place but if I was in your position now, I'd ask him to leave on the basis that your daughter needs her sleep for work/uni and he'll have to find somewhere else.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:26:35

At least four weeks for an acquaintance and was not invited is more than just putting oneself out.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:27:38

I'm afraid I am feeling I was BU to not consider the impact on my daughters of having a stranger staying in our house. I was just thinking it's only a couple of nights and he must be desperate to ask.

But on Monday morning after I did the school run I went shopping with my mum.
DD1 (age22) was getting ready for work for 11am start. She rang me on my mobile as everyone was out except for her and this man. She asked me what time is that man going out? I told her I didn't know as I didn't know anything about him really and I don't even have his phone number. She told me that she could hear him in the bathroom and she asked me if she could use my en-suite and get changed in my bedroom.
I told her yes and said I would come home right away so that she wasn't on her own in the house with him.
When I arrived home he had already gone out. He was out all day.
I suppose at least he is trying to sort himself out.

Takingthemickey Wed 25-Jun-14 16:29:55

And he does not seem that concerned about the 'man' on the dole who would be kicked out for him.

If I was offered a place for a few days the last thing I would do is pay money for accommodation that would not be free for a month as that would be presuming on the generosity of my hosts. I would be looking for something else that fit more closely to the timeframe or at least checking with my host first that it was okay prior to paying as I could not find something quicker. By 'paying' that deposit, if indeed he has, he is trying to make you responsible for him.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 16:30:29

So, those that wish to scrounge take precedence cos the rest of us are expected to be kind, Piggy?

They don't know the man... don't really know why he is homeless and he appears to be nesting in their home....

That and by housing him they are making themselves partners in his misery, with his ex, with housing bids and anyone else who the poor man/bedcrasher comes into contact with. As has already been said, OP is now in a position where she may be asked to write a letter confirming SHE is making him homeless..... why should she be happy to be that involved?

It is an odd and uncomfortable position to be in. I only have sympathy for the contradictory emotions OP must be going through.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:30:45

She feels uncomfortable with this man but you are still putting him up.

ChelsyHandy Wed 25-Jun-14 16:31:17

And whats the story with his previous home? Does he jointly own or rent it? How long was he there? Is he married?

tbh since you have put a man you barely know in a house alone with your children, I would contact his ex to verify his story and why exactly he was thrown out.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 16:32:28

You won't allow your couch to be used, but you'll allow your daughter to be inconvenienced for your decision? She got the real shit stick end of the bargain didn't she?

How generous to offer someone else's room.

If you won't allow him on the couch, he needs to go into DS's room and he can sleep with you guys. He's 5, and young enough to share a bed with his parents. Why can't you do that?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:33:55

In her room. Some guy she doesn't know sleeping in her bed, alone with her in the house whilst she needs to get ready for work, etc etc.

And wanting to stay longer and longer.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 16:36:22

I told her yes and said I would come home right away so that she wasn't on her own in the house with him.

This right here is exactly the point at which you kick him out. She is not comfortable with being alone with him. He needs to leave. Now.

How will you feel if he rapes your daughter? You don't know him. You have no idea of his back story or what's going on.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 16:37:23

Maybe cos when it was just a couple of days they wanted the man to have a grown up room not a small child's play pen?

They were feeling kindly towards him and offered the best they could at their own (daughter's) inconvenience.

It's fine offering 'better' advice after the fact!

basgetti Wed 25-Jun-14 16:37:37

So you know nothing about him, but your daughter is expected to be alone in the house with him?

Longdistance Wed 25-Jun-14 16:39:01

Your dh needs to sort this.

It's his acquaintance, he invited him, dh need to sort it. I don't see why op is getting a battering over this, and is the one sorting everything out.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 16:42:53

Maybe cos when it was just a couple of days they wanted the man to have a grown up room not a small child's play pen?

Yes, and that was fine. But now that DD wants her room back, she should have it and other arrangements should be made. She agreed to a couple of days due to an emergency situation, not a week because someone is taking advantage of OP's kindness. She shouldn't have to continue to be inconvenienced for a decision that her father made.

Darkesteyes Wed 25-Jun-14 16:43:10

I was coming on here to ask whether your daughters board/upkeep that she is paying you had been adjusted accordingly. But Compo beat me to it.

Also agree that the 5 yr old could be sleeping in with you or your DH (and why isn't he wringing his hands over this.)

As an elder child and female myself you usually find that if you fit both of these criteria that you do mostly end up getting the blame or paying the price for another family members decision.

sounds like this bloke has had a shit time but its not fair on yr adult daughter for this to carry on the way it is.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:43:59

I have emailed DH the links for Shelter and ManKind initiative - thanks for those suggestions.

CarmineRose1978 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:44:40

So let me get this straight... You have two DDs, one 21, one 22, and a 5 yr old DS. Why exactly is the 21 yr old DD sharing with a bed with the 5 yr old? Why not sharing with her 22 yr old sister? Or why not have the 5 yr old in with you and your DH? I don't blame your 21 yr old for being pissed off!

glasgowstevenagain Wed 25-Jun-14 16:45:49

cheap hotel - 200 a week - not your problem

I would not want a stranger in the house with my family

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 16:49:13

OP, he really does need to leave tonight. This isn't a safe situation. You have two daughters, and their safety will never be worth social niceties or a stranger's feelings. Even if he doesn't hurt them you don't know if he'll steal anything or bring his domestic dispute to your door step.

You need to keep your family safe and if that means he sleeps in a car to get everything sorted then that's what has to happen.

You were already more kind than most people would be, but you need to do what best for your family and put them first.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 25-Jun-14 16:49:28

He could get on www.spareroom.co.uk and pick up a room immediately. He was stupid to pay a deposit to a dodgy landlord. If I were you I would make it clear that he goes in x number of days and suggest he looks to find a lodging which doesn't need a tenancy or guarantor. There are always rooms available at short notice.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:50:07

We let him have DD2s room as it is the smallest room and she is out with friends a lot.
She has just completed university and is now jobhunting.

DD 1(22) and DS(5) have double bedrooms so there is more room to share with each other for a couple of nights!

DD1 is 22 and works full time and she is at home a lot.
We just had to think and act quickly on Sunday and it seemed like the best solution at the time.

DH told this man he could stay for a week without consulting me btw.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 25-Jun-14 16:50:11

Maybe two adult women can't fit in the bed together?

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 16:50:48

Oh please don't hop straight to sex crime and nasty man, scary scary!

That's ludicrous and totally unnecessary!

SuperLoveFuzz Wed 25-Jun-14 16:53:24

I was told by Women's Aid that if you have to flee from domestic violence, any council will house you immediately without any evidence. I'd say this is his best option. Emergency council housing can be expensive if you're working, doesn't sound like he has many other options though.
OP I think you and your family have done more than enough to help this guy out. Agree with PP's that you should ask him to leave now since he is making your daughter feel uncomfortable.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 16:54:57

Oh please don't hop straight to sex crime and nasty man, scary scary!

Even if he's not, her daughters have a right to not be nervous in their own house which should always be a place that feels safe for them.

They're uncomfortable. That's enough to kick him out.

Considering that 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted, I don't think it's an irrational thing to be concerned about.

VeryStressedMum Wed 25-Jun-14 16:55:44

A bit strange really that he would impose like this on someone he hardly knows.
He has no savings but has money for a deposit? How much would a deposit be..£500 or so? He either is lying about not having money or is lying about the flat.
I think you've been more than kind and helpful, tbh more than I would have been to a man we don't really know.
You've given him a week which is more than fair.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 25-Jun-14 16:56:10

Super love, it doesn't always work like that! I've just tried to support someone through this, the council very much wanted evidence and it was not immediate/no questions asked. How could it be? Unfortunately lots of people would exploit it if that were the case.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:59:49

Thanks Ehric for the sparerooms link. I have searched the area where this man works and there are a lot of rooms available in the area.
I have emailed DH the link. smile

YouTheCat Wed 25-Jun-14 17:00:15

I agree with VeryStressedMum. I call bullshit on the flat.

He'll have his feet under your table and be there as long as he can get away with.

If he is fleeing DV then I'd advise he gets a place in a hostel until accommodation can be sorted.

glasgowstevenagain Wed 25-Jun-14 17:02:38

Pay for his hotel for the rest of the week that your husband promised

and then its not your problem

Look, not being funny but if people on this thread can find information by Google why can't he? Library is free... He could use yours?

It's lovely to help out but the emergency is actually over. Now it's future planning. And tbh you only have his word he's the one being battered....

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 17:06:15

I don't disagree, Princess. DD1s feelings mean he should leave. But no scare tactics, fearmongering required.

glasgow - that could be a good solution. Op would lose some money buy would gain peace at home. And would be able to measure and accept the hit she is taking!

glasgowstevenagain Wed 25-Jun-14 17:07:14

It allows family to retain moral high ground - we said we would look after you for an extra week - now we have

I recently let my friend stay with us and offered to have her as long as she liked. She came to me after her partner attacked her and bit her face. She was staying in my childrens playroom. Shit happens.

Let's hope you or your daughter are never in a situation where you have no one to help you.

AgaPanthers Wed 25-Jun-14 17:09:21

"So you won't give up your living room but you will give up your daughters bedroom. Nice."

The daughter is 21 (an adult), and it's not clear if she is paying anything either.

comingintomyown Wed 25-Jun-14 17:10:13

I have ended up helping people out in the past like this although more friends than acquaintances and it's never ended well and they have taken the piss.

I think it was very decent of you to give this guy space at all. If you feel you can then maybe see out the week as your DH has offered but insist that between you it's made crystal clear that whatever the latest on his accommodation he will need to leave.

I think I have commented too quickly! Off to RTFT!

HappienessIsEggshaped Wed 25-Jun-14 17:13:24

As much as I have sympathy for his situation I wouldn't be happy or comfortable sharing a house with a virtual stranger. I think I'd give him until the weekend to find somewhere else. There must be someone he knows that could let him sleep on the sofa short term.

fourforksache Wed 25-Jun-14 17:14:51

the 12 month waiting list from council doesn't sound like the full story. I'd be wary.

Darkesteyes Wed 25-Jun-14 17:14:55

Aga its also unclear whether the bloke is paying anything but I guess that dosnt matter as he is more important than a blood relative hmm

glasgowstevenagain Wed 25-Jun-14 17:21:54

He is not even a friend

I have a solution...

He can sleep on the floor - changing room of the cricket club

sorted

ChelsyHandy Wed 25-Jun-14 17:24:47

I'd say its also unclear whether he is actually in employment. What is "works for an employment agency"? And why doesn't it involve starting before 11am during weekdays?

So he has no savings, no transport (what a surprise) and no home. Again, I'm cynical and wondering whether this is the reason he was thrown out. Of course he might just be a very downtrodden victim of domestic violence, but he really has no excuse for (a) not offering you some money for his accommodation and (b) searching sparerooms.co.uk etc for urgent accommodation.

A lot of this doesn't ring true for me. I don't think you have the full story.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 17:26:22

As an elder child and female myself you usually find that if you fit both of these criteria that you do mostly end up getting the blame or paying the price for another family members decision.

Hmm... That's an interesting thing to look into actually. I know alot of oldest children that seem to have to take responsibility for their parent's decisions.

Personally, as the oldest and female, I got away with far more and catered to more than my brother did, who was expected to man up and deal (nothing serious, just stuff like finding his own rides). But my father would never have allowed a stranger to stay in the house with his children.

I wouldn't either, under any circumstances. I say this as someone who did help out a DV victim. She was a neighbor who would always run to my apartment for safety or help. Her bf was refusing to get internet so she could complete her online classes and do something with her life. I was young and naive, I'm not sure if I regret helping her but she did have issues and ended up stealing some trinkets and DVDs from us. It took that experience to understand that there's only so much you can do to help a person, it ultimately has to be their choice. I wouldn't do it again even with a family member, not with a child to worry about now. It's too stressful, if you don't open your door they go back to a bad situation. If you do, in a way you're enabling because it takes a while of bouncing back and forth for victims to finally leave. I got out of it by moving and not telling her my new place.

pissedglitter Wed 25-Jun-14 17:32:17

The title of this thread disgusts me!!

Reverse the roles
Female acquaintance calls and asks to sleep on your sofa for a few days
Makes herself comfy with no intention of moving for weeks/months
Do you come on mumsnet ranting about it
No, do you fuck you would be on here looking for a pat on the back

The best thing you could do is kick him out (kick him while he is already down) and send him somewhere he can get the support he needs

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 17:32:27

Your DH was wrong to tell him a week without having consulted you.

Your kids are not comfortable.

This man has employment and money, yet continues to try to stay and stay.

Your DH need to tell him the family is no longer happy with the arrangement and he needs to find somewhere else and be out by Sunday morning.

That's a week.

Not your job to find him accommodation. He's an adult.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 17:35:18

No I don't have the full story. I'm not really that interested in his story -I just want him to find somewhere to live quickly.

DH believes him that he is battered by his partner. They are about late 40s no kids. She has MH issues as far as DH is aware and this man has had to run to his mum's when she was alive and he had been battered.

So there may be a chance that he will go back to living with his partner when he leaves here but I won't allow our home to become his run to place when it all kicks off again. He will really have to sort his life out himself.

I do feel so sorry for him - if I were in his situation I would be offered help from people who love me and care about me.

How sad to have nothing and no one when you reach your late 40s.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 17:35:48

Actually pissed, I would do exactly the same as I am telling OP to...

Female acquaintance would be no more my circus, my monkey than a male one!

Enjoy your disgust.

Viviennemary Wed 25-Jun-14 17:36:25

He just simply isn't your responsibility end of. You were kind to let him stay for a few nights. How long is reasonable, a week a month a year 10 years. No.

BanjoKazooie Wed 25-Jun-14 17:36:48

I would ask him to leave too. You can't rescue and help everyone who needs help. Perhaps one of the outraged charitable posters on this thread could offer him a room grin. He is barely less of a stranger to them as he was to you.

fourforksache Wed 25-Jun-14 17:37:17

pissed, seems a bit unfair / antagonist / unrealistic / not showing any empathy for op's situation.

none of this is particularly anyone's fault but op has helped and is right to expect to limit her help when there are other people to consider. lodger has not been very proactive.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 17:37:26

Mozz, you don't really know that he has no one else. You could be the end of a line of other 'friends'.

But yes, it does seem sad, he does seem sadly incapable, not one of life's go getters.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 17:41:05

pissedglitter I wouldn't let a female DV victim take refuge on my couch unless I knew her well either. I did help out an acquaintance and had stuff stolen from me. People need to sort out their own problems.

Helping someone with something as multifaceted as leaving an abusive relationship is something that should be reserved for close family and friends. The only person I would help out with something like that is my brother. Everyone else I'd direct to a shelter.

MaryWestmacott Wed 25-Jun-14 17:44:08

It could be has no one else for very good reasons...

But either way, not your issue, he's not your responsiblity, he's in his 40s, has a job and access to money.

Iswallowedawatermelon Wed 25-Jun-14 17:49:47

Tell him he has to leave by the weekend.

He works and should be able to afford a basic b&b.

4 weeks is too long in these circumstances I believe.

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jun-14 17:57:43

he needs to wait out the 4 weeks in a cheap B+B and get professional help to extricate his emotions and financial ties with his partner

a few days with you is enough, OP

fourforksache Wed 25-Jun-14 18:05:03

AF is right. time for him to move on.

MandarinCheesecake Wed 25-Jun-14 18:28:57

Whoever it was that suggested that the OP buy a caravan for him to live on the drive, that's just crazy.
The op has been kind enough already, accommodating a man she doesn't know in an emergency, its not up to her to provide a long term solution at cost.
If it were a very close friend/family member then this wouldn't be an issue. Its the fact that this man is unknown to them and DH has offered a week when op agreed a couple of days that is the problem.

OP your dd has every right to be annoyed that she hasn't use of her own room.

My parents did this for a good friend of my dad's, he split from his wife and had nowhere to go. I had to give up my room and sleep in with my parents. Only he didn't show any signs of leaving. I started resenting him for losing use of my room and hated the fact he was drunk most of the time (day and night)
I felt uncomfortable being around him. I got really upset and asked my mum to ask him to leave as it was really affecting me. He was gone within the week.
I was only 10 years old at the time, so i totally understand how your dd is feeling.

This is not fair to you or your dc's you need tell your dh he has to tell this man to move on.
I know i wouldn't be so accommodating to someone i barely know, you have done enough already!

JeggingsHateMe Wed 25-Jun-14 18:35:29

I just want to touch on what a PP said. If a person is fleeing DV, yes they can approach any council but it's not true at all that no evidence is needed. All approaches are investigated fully and at speed to enable to serve the person fleeing correctly, evidence is used.

This guy can call his local housing authority, explain his situation, they will give him some targeted advice, there is a team especially for this. If he meets certain criteria they can also help with a deposit on a new place. He needs to make a call and get into their system.

I would also be very unsure about a 4 week notice period on the other guy, I think the Landlord is lying, that does not add up. If the guy in the flat already calls the local council to let them know about the 4 week notice period, they will soon set that tenant right. Unfortunately in some cases it's not just a case of giving notice, tenants are protected which sounds like in this instance it's a good thing!

Have him call housing in the morning.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 18:45:20

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Stop researching links for housing, suggesting solutions, or organising jack.

He's an adult with a job and access to money.

Tell him he needs to out.

Romeyroo Wed 25-Jun-14 18:46:00

If he has money for a deposit on a flat, he could have found a B&B till he got a room share.

What evidence was there of this battering? Did he contact the police?

For someone who has been abused, this man seems to be quite accepting of abusing others, some guy who is unemployed is about to apparently also be made homeless. Sorry, but that is awful.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 25-Jun-14 18:56:05

Romeyroo

"What evidence was there of this battering? Did he contact the police?"

Would you ask a woman this?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 18:58:24

I wouldn't ask a man or woman for evidence, but I wouldn't put up an acquaintance for more than 3 nights, either.

Joysmum Wed 25-Jun-14 19:09:32

pissedglitter I agree entirely. I'd go out of my way to help somebody.

As for the heartless LL pot/kettle/black

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 19:13:28

Good for you. PM the OP, then, he can sleep on your bed and use your room as long as he wants.

i think it's a bit shitty of anyone to imply that he might be lying about being 'battered'. I would hate an extra person in the house regardless though.

and why the hell have some posters implied that he might be a rapist - where's that come from?! I know it's been said but no way in hell would anything that horrible be said about a woman in this situation (quite rightly, I hasten to add).

sleeplessbunny Wed 25-Jun-14 19:17:53

The weather is good, do you have a tent? Perhaps he can camp in the garden?

sleeplessbunny Wed 25-Jun-14 19:23:38

sounds like he was a bit naive to hand over a deposit for a property that is not even available yet. Who knows if he'll ever see that again?

Romeyroo Wed 25-Jun-14 19:24:07

boney, when I was battered, the evidence was clear to see.
And yes, if a female friend turned up saying she had been battered, I would want to know where she was hurt, did she need medical attention, can we call the police.

ComposHat Wed 25-Jun-14 20:00:30

How will you feel if he rapes your daughter? You don't know him.

Unbelievable.

Not only is he disbelieved about beng a victim of domestic violence, but is a potential rapist.

Have a word with yourself.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 20:00:44

VampyreofTimeandMemory OP's daughter is nervous in the house alone with him. We have no idea what kind of vibes he's giving off, but whether OP's daughter is rightly or wrongly afraid of him isn't really the point. He is a stranger. They don't know him or have any previous history to determine if he is an alright guy or not. He could steal or bring the problem to their house as well. Just because someone is a victim doesn't make them a saint.

Romeyroo I had a friend in a domestic situation and her boyfriend put a pillow between her and his fist so he could hurt her without leaving a mark. Not everything leaves a bruise or injury.

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 20:06:48

Not only is he disbelieved about beng a victim of domestic violence, but is a potential rapist.

1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted Compos. You wouldn't recommend a woman going home on a date with a man she knows after the first date, why would you suddenly be ok with a woman alone with a man she's never met? OP's daughter is uncomfortable with him. She could just be nervous, or he could be giving legit danger signals. But it's not worth letting him stay to find out.

Being a victim doesn't make someone a saint. Whether you like it being said out loud or not, most criminals are victims of abuse. Not every abuse victim abuses others, but abusers more often than not were abused themselves.

he's probably not giving off any vibes, it's normal to be nervous around someone you don't know.

However, I think the whole 'he might be a rapist!' thing is fucking ridiculous! why not assume drug dealer, for example? because he's male?

I'm pretty sure a considerable number of women have been home with a man they hardly know.

YouMakeMeHappy Wed 25-Jun-14 20:11:10

Poor OP, first she is called heartless for wanting him gone, then selfish for letting him stay!!

i'd want him gone too OP, just to clarify. I'd want anyone gone, I need space, I just couldn't handle it so IMO, what you've done already is great but there are other options available for him.

I would not be accusing him of possibly planning on raping anyone though

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 20:16:39

he's probably not giving off any vibes, it's normal to be nervous around someone you don't know.

If I knew a guy and DD was nervous I'd ease her worries. But if I didn't, how could I possibly assure her he's an ok guy? The most common advise given to women is to trust their gut. But just because a guy is a DV victim they should suddenly assume he's harmless?

I would not want to be alone in my house with a guy I didn't know unless someone could vouch for them.

And, yes. It IS because he's a man, 99% of all sexual assault is done by a man. You don't have to worry about the same thing with a woman. You just don't. It's not sexist, it's common sense. You can't tell a good man just by looking at him. Let's not be disingenuous and say we should just ignore warning signals for the sake of not offending.

As I said before, his feelings aren't worth DD's safety. If my DD said she was uncomfortable with a man she didn't know in our house, he'd be out without asking for an explanation why.

cat i agree that she needs to ask him to leave based on that but just out of interest, do you think a woman should always feel uncomfortable when alone with a man? what if it's a bloke connecting your internet or cleaning your oven? what about doctors and dentists?

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 20:26:13

cat i agree that she needs to ask him to leave based on that but just out of interest, do you think a woman should always feel uncomfortable when alone with a man? what if it's a bloke connecting your internet or cleaning your oven? what about doctors and dentists?

No of course they shouldn't feel uncomfortable when alone with a man. That is exactly my point. Her daughter should not be uncomfortable being alone with him. If she is, they need to examine why. If it's her problem, it's still not ok for her to be nervous in her own house.

The only time I've felt uncomfortable alone with a man is when they gave off strange vibes. I've never felt uncomfortable alone with a dentist or doctor, or repair man in the house (well aside from awkwardness of not knowing if I should keep him company or let him work unsupervised). If I did feel threatened, I'd listen to those instincts and examine why I was feeling that way.

And this is why the country needs more shelters for male victims of domestic abuse.

There are, I believe, only 10 such shelters for men in the UK. If there isn't one local, a man has nowhere to really go.

(well aside from awkwardness of not knowing if I should keep him company or let him work unsupervised)

this always bothers me too.

someonestolemynick Wed 25-Jun-14 20:49:14

Wow, you and your DDs sound absolutely charming.

It really would have been kinder to refuse him from the start that way he would have been able to find someone who would be more willing to help him out for a more realistic time frame.

I am not saying, he should stay until whenever but A COUPLE OF NIGHTS is not a lot, if you have to sort yourself out for somewhere to live.

I spent about 6 months after leaving my ex, blowing a lot of money on temporary accommodation. It was physically and mentally draining and I was constantly afraid of being homeless.

You have got home, a functioning relationship, you haven't had your confidence shattered by being physically attacked by someone you trusted. You didn't have to offer him your home, but you and your dh did. You offered him some breathing space and I think the guy is being as fair as he can be in this situation by giving you a realistic time frame for when he can find something he won't have to move out of again.

Having said that, he is staying in your house and however begrudgingly you are helping him out. First of all I'd call a family meeting to look for a solution everyone can live with and for how long. Then communicate that to him and let him get on with it.

WRT do your daughters feeling uncomfortable: First we'd need to know why she is uncomfortable. Has he done anything to make her uncomfortable? If yes, forget everything I said and just kick him out NOW. If not, and this my suspicion, then your DD needs to woman up. 22 is a good age to learn that most men are NOT sex predators and assuming so is sexist. Life lesson.

I have more sympathy for your 21yo DD, because she hd to give up her room. I agree with pp who suggested you should take the 5yo into your bedroom (he will love it).

Best of luck to all of you.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 21:00:09

Ooh! Did we just have one of those historical facebook style postings.... one bumped from many moons ago?

OberonTheHopeful Wed 25-Jun-14 21:24:26

I was told by Women's Aid that if you have to flee from domestic violence, any council will house you immediately

I was once told the same thing by my (LA) DV support worker, though she also told me that male victims have to present evidence (I had to in order to have my support sessions with her).

Every local authority has such a person (sometimes more than one) and the details will be on their Website, usually listed under something like 'Community Safety'. The Mankind Initiative have also started keeping a list of local resources, though they are very underfunded and I know the list is far from complete. In addition, some regional branches of Womens' Aid also assist male victims (e.g. Leicestershire, Surrey).

If this man has been a victim of DV then I truly and sincerely hope that he will be alright and actually find the support he needs. To those saying he should ask his other friends, please bear in mind that he simply may not have any. My XP did an extremely good job of cutting me off from mine, and I imagine he may be feeling very isolated, and in a great deal of despair, right now.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 25-Jun-14 21:26:31

someone They DO sound absolutely charming. They agreed to allow a total stranger into their home, and the daughter gave up her bed. How often have you done that? They didn't know he would want to stay for longer than a month!

MellowAutumn Wed 25-Jun-14 21:50:23

I think they sound fairly normal kind people who have offered 'emergency help' to an acquaintance but don't want to be seen as a longer term solution. They are not DV specialist or counsellors or a shelter just a normal family who have done a kind thing - but they are not responsible for this guy who has a job and money.

someonestolemynick Wed 25-Jun-14 22:08:45

Gatorade My own kindness is neither here nor there.

Had anyone stranger or friend, asked me for emergency accommodation, the first thing I would have done is ask the simple question: How long do you think you need? Ok, let's add another week just to be on the safe side.

That is to say, if for whatever reason someone who required houseroom made me uncomfortable, I would not have him in my house. If you do decide to help someone out, have realistic expectations.

The only person I have sympathy for is the 21yo DD, who hadn't been asked, if she minded giving up her room. But that's the OP's and her husband's problem. They've offered him a place to stay and they've had plenty of alternative suggestions: DS's room - while he slept in his parent's bed (I still have to meet a 5yo who wouldn't be thrilled at the idea), sofa (Ok, OP doesn't want that but it might be the least bad thing).

If and when I help, I will do so wholeheartedly without being a matyr about it.

Romeyroo Wed 25-Jun-14 22:14:24

Princess, I believe that, I didn't mean to suggest all physical abuse leaves evidence. I think my comments were more that I would ask what had happened. I mean, if someone was in your house saying they had been battered would you not ask what had happened?

I mean, battering is a strong term. If someone has been battered, you need to call the police. Before I get flamed, any physical abuse is wrong, but to me, battery is beyond assault, i.e. assault and battery used to be a stronger charge than assault. So that is why I was curious.

I think also, though I am struggling to articulate this and it is not really relevant to the OP, it has just got me thinking, wife battering used to be the term for domestic abuse, and it was culturally more acceptable to beat up your wife. So, I see battering relating to DA as quite a gendered term. Now, I believe that women can be abusive, because my mother was, not physically to my dad but to her kids, but the term wife-battering is so culturally reminiscent of oppression of women in a patriarchal society that its use gives me pause, rightly or wrongly. I don't mean I don't believe his wife physically abused him, but the language of (wife) battery historically reflected a societal norm, which this instance does not.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 22:19:34

In my head that conversation went:

How long do you think you'll need? Fuck off!

Of course, that assumes you had the opportunity to ask, OP didn't. Her DH brought home a puppy without asking.... there were no expectations, just a scramble to find him a bed.

And the DD who said No! has as much right to say that as OP had, repeatedly, to say no to visitor on the sofa, or or 5 year old in her bed.

OP had no choice, she did not decide to help, so she is probably more saintly to have put up with the situation so far than anyone who would choose not to be a martyr!

He is not a child of the family. he is a stranger and his presence is unsettling the young female(s) of the house... he is a stranger in their home, of course he is unsettling.

At root, this one is simple: bad day was had, immediate and temporary solution was offered, but poorly thought out. Visitor has a job and money available. He can sort himself out now! An extra month is taking the piss.

He could move out tomorrow, having been housed in his immediate trauma, put in touch with some support agencies and helped move on.

What's wrong with that?

she is far more saintly than I would have been, if DP did this without consulting me, I'd be furious and want to move out for a while. If he did consult me, I'd say definitely not and suggest the victim contact an actual professional.

someonestolemynick Wed 25-Jun-14 22:38:06

Nomama OP was ASKED (as in given the choice), if she minded putting up a vulnerable man for an undisclosed amount of time. She said yes. If she had used her backbone and said no to something she wasn't comfortable with, he may have been able to get the help of someone who was actually happy to do so (or would have been higher on the council waiting list).

She said yes though. So while I'm not suggesting she should put him up forever, I do think she needs to set boundaries whilst being rational. She has got every legal right to turf the poor guy out in the street right now, but it would undo all the good she has begrudgingly gone through.

So why not simply give him a reasonable move out date and in the meantime put him somewhere that doesn't inconvenience her daughter.

Appletini Wed 25-Jun-14 22:57:32

Are you sure he went to the council?

He has nowhere to live and he has recently left a DV situation so he would be classed as priority need.

I find it unlikely that they would tell him to put his name down and come back in 12 months.

Has he seen a housing advisor? He's technically homeless

BanjoKazooie Wed 25-Jun-14 23:00:52

someonestolemynick. You are misquoting the OP. The OP WASNT asked if she would put him up for an 'undisclosed' time she was asked to put him up for a couple of nights. She didn't need to ask him how long he was intending to stay as she had already been told.

She has done what she has agreed to and more. She has done something very kind. I think she is being very reasonable indeed.

ChelsyHandy Wed 25-Jun-14 23:02:22

someone I think they have done far more than the average person would have done. They have let a virtual stranger into their home, free of charge, and responded positively to his initial request for help. I can't actually think of many people who would do that at all, particuarly when they don't have a spare room. Its astonishingly kind and generous of them and I can't believe you would be sarcastic about them for doing that. The issue is that he is now asking for more help for a much, much longer period and isn't looking on the internet for a room to rent while he is enjoying their generosity.

wafflyversatile Wed 25-Jun-14 23:06:41

It's a difficult situation and there aren't any baddies.

I'm mostly surprised, well not surprised, dismayed at how little sympathy there has been for a victim of long-term domestic abuse.

But yes, it does seem sad, he does seem sadly incapable, not one of life's go getters.

You never get this sort of shit said on here about female victims of abuse.

Barefootgirl Wed 25-Jun-14 23:07:07

Could you and your DH sit him down and explain that you are very glad he came to you (lie through teeth if you have to), releived he got out of a bad situation ,etc, but now you need to help him move on because its putting something of a strain on the household. Offer him support and help in finding somewhere else to live, but be absolutely adamant that he MUST find somewhere else. Lots of people end up in shared houses when leaving relationships, so expecting him to do the same is not unrealistic - and at least he doesn't have children to consider as well.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 23:13:46

Ah but I do say that about some women who walk back into abusive situations, wafferly.

Having lived through my aunt walking back, over and over and over again, I know that sometimes, DV, EV victims are just not possessed of the stuff that makes others snap the elastic. Nature, nurture, low expectations etc. All combine make this so. You can disagree with me as much as you like, many do, but sometimes, it is just how it is. Someone will never, ever find the wherewithal to pick themselves up and get themselves out, no matter how much support is offered.

gotagoldtoof Wed 25-Jun-14 23:24:04

I was in a violent and abusive relationship. I had no friends and had been isolated from my family. Thank fuck my work colleagues who I barely knew took me in after seeing my bruises so frequently - a number of them allowed me to stay on their couches in turns for a few weeks. I will never, ever forget their kindness, and I never took the piss. Still pals with those good people to this day.

I returned the favour for a friend fleeing dv a few months afterwards. She used my landline to call his mobile for hours every night while I was sleeping sad

You just don't know how these thingsare going to turn out.

gotagoldtoof Wed 25-Jun-14 23:26:41

Sorry Mozz - also meant to say, I considered a few nights (2-3) more than enough of a burden to place on those kind colleagues of mine. Please don't beat yourself up about asking him to move on!

wafflyversatile Wed 25-Jun-14 23:28:23

I do find myself often disagreeing with your posts, yes.

It's not just you, of course. Every thread concerning a male abuse victim has a thread of suspicion and lack of sympathy.

glasgowstevenagain Wed 25-Jun-14 23:29:10

I repeat my point ...he can sleep in the cricket club house

EverythingCounts Wed 25-Jun-14 23:30:17

I would offer space to someone in this position but if there were no spare bedrooms it would have been the couch. I wouldn't chuck a DC out of their room and I don't think the DD here should be castigated for not wanting to give up her room to a stranger for an indefinite period. The best way you can help him is in going with him to see the appropriate authorities and assertively arguing his case that he needs emergency accommodation right away.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 23:33:11

The difference will be I have the same suspicion and lack of sympathy for women in the same position.

I don't do sympathy. I do practical steps. I leave sympathy, hand holding and teary jags to others. That is how and who I am. For some it is what is needed, for others it isn't. Just as the hand holding, teary stuff isn't right for some.

HauntedNoddyCar Wed 25-Jun-14 23:46:10

Perhaps one of the posters who would definitely open their door to anyone in need lives near you and has a sofa.

VeryStressedMum Thu 26-Jun-14 00:17:14

The op has imo been very kind to offer help to someone she nor her dh knows. She and get dh were put on the spot and said yes..for a few days. Now it's for 4 weeks.
It's got nothing to do with it being a man I'm sure she'd feel the same about a strange woman wanting to stay for 4 weeks. There's not that many people who wouldn't mind strangers staying with them for weeks on end especially with young children in the house.

NellyTheEfalump Thu 26-Jun-14 00:26:04

I'll say now that I haven't read the whole thread so I may be wrong.

If this was a female friend, would you be seeing it differently?

It's a tough situation for you but it's extremely hard to ask for help. I'd say put up with it for the 4 weeks, then tell him he needs to find alternative accommodation x

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 01:50:50

4 weeks.a stranger.

not a chance

SoonToBeSix Thu 26-Jun-14 01:56:30

Yabu and your dd is very rude and spoilt.

kali110 Thu 26-Jun-14 02:47:43

I think i would give him a few more days. Im good few years older than ops daughter and if my mum thought the same she would make me!
I would have given him the couch. Everyone sits in livingroom till certain time 10ish etc then he can have it as his bedroom.
Id do it as i hope someone would do the same for me.

Monty27 Thu 26-Jun-14 03:03:11

YANBU. He's a stranger you offered him a couple of nights. You've done that. He needs to get and sofa surf somewhere. Surely he had other friends or family!

SquigglySquid Thu 26-Jun-14 03:28:19

WRT do your daughters feeling uncomfortable: First we'd need to know why she is uncomfortable. Has he done anything to make her uncomfortable? If yes, forget everything I said and just kick him out NOW. If not, and this my suspicion, then your DD needs to woman up. 22 is a good age to learn that most men are NOT sex predators and assuming so is sexist. Life lesson.

No one feels threatened for "no reason", they always have a reason. Maybe he looked at her too long, maybe she caught him checking her out. Even if she can't articulate why beyond "He just makes me nervous" something is causing that feeling and it needs to be addressed. But it should be addressed in a place and time where she feels safe, not in the middle of the situation. Sorry to enter MN bingo She could have been assaulted or harassed at college, we don't know her history.

You're right not all men are predators. Most men are genuinely good people. But her feelings trump that of a man the family doesn't know. He needs to leave now, and her feelings right or wrong can be reflected on later.

Monty27 Thu 26-Jun-14 03:50:06

Nah probably none of that, DD wants here room back! Simple. and who can blame her!!

SquigglySquid Thu 26-Jun-14 04:01:52

DD1 is the one who's nervous about him. DD2 is the one that's giving up the room.

gingercat2 Thu 26-Jun-14 04:31:10

I would not want a man I didn't know being left in the house alone with my daughters.

There is something the man needs more than shelter, and that is advice. His head well be in a mess He needs to be pointed in the direction of someone who can give him that advice. Sensible suggestions have been made as to where it can be found.

If he's working (and therefore presumably not destitute), you've no need to be putting him up. However, who would seriously blame a victim of DV for being too disorganised to sort these things out right from day 1. Yet this is what some have done on this thread (together with labelling him a potential rapist) and I think that's despicable.

I reckon you and your family should be commended for what you've done so far.

differentnameforthis Thu 26-Jun-14 06:14:14

I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now!

Oh she sounds delightful

I would hope that your daughter never needs a friend in this way. I hope she doesn't ever need to hide away from an abuser & gets this kind of response

tell me, what would you think if this was a woman running from an abusive partner?

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 26-Jun-14 06:41:46

Romeyroo

"I would want to know where she was hurt, did she need medical attention, can we call the police."

That was not what you posted though

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 07:37:49

He can get a hotel.

He had no one else to ask except strangers. ....

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 07:42:40

He can get a hotel.

He had no one else to ask except strangers. ....

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Jun-14 07:49:08

I understand where your coming from op, but at 21 your dd language is awful, can she not express herself without swearing!

fourforksache Thu 26-Jun-14 09:40:57

I think letting a stranger stay a week is very kind and the op shouldn't be expected to take on someone else's problems. He could get a B&B. There are options for him but he's rather insidiously trying to impose himself for 4 weeks because it's easier and cheaper for him. I call that taking advantage of someone's kindness.

Those slating the op are incredibly rude & not acknowledging the help she's given. So you help as much as you feel able, does that mean you are now obliged to offer further help even if you're not happy about it? I don't think so!

firesidechat Thu 26-Jun-14 09:45:41

Totally off topic, but what is an ok age to swear? Is she too old at 21 or too young?

OP, I think you have been very kind to offer this person a place to stay for a few days, but I also think the time has come for him to sort something out. I wouldn't be happy with a relative stranger living in my house with my two young adult daughters, particularly if they are unhappy about it too.

fourforksache Thu 26-Jun-14 09:49:53

The swearing is irrelevant. Most of us on here swear, so it's a bit pot calling kettle black.

shockinglybadteacher Thu 26-Jun-14 09:51:32

For FUCK's sake, is the most important issue here the fact that the OP's DD said FUCK? She said it in the heat of the moment and not to the man himself!

If I arrived home and my family said "Right, this bloke's in a situation, he's getting your bed for an unspecified amount of time and you'll be sharing a bed with your 5 year old brother until whenever" I might be a bit taken aback too. And yeah, a naughty word might escape my lips. Unlike some of the posters on this thread, I doubt I'd be raising my eyes to the heavens and saying devoutly "Gosh, yes. As long as I can be of service."

OP, you and your family are being super kind. So is your DD. It is so great you're willing to help him out. DV is never easy - I have had it in my family and union reps get special training on how to help DV victims without getting tangled into the mess themselves, because it is messy. The number one thing we get told is "Detach".

Detach in your case means you are a kindly but impersonal source of help. You have given him a deadline. He is out by that deadline. You help him find somewhere to stay if you can (and I am taken aback by the heartless LL - OP are you in Scotland? I can't speak for England but if you are PM me, he has better options than that). He does not get an extension of 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, a month....

No-one guilts you by saying "You should have done more". I guarantee that by doing that you are doing far more than most people calling you names would have done for someone they don't know.

Aeroflotgirl seriously? nothing compared to the amount of bad language on here! It's not as though she's a child.

oops, x-post.

basgetti Thu 26-Jun-14 10:09:47

This man had money to find other arrangements though. He's chosen to use that to hand over a deposit for an occupied flat that may not be ready in 4 weeks. When you are relying on the hospitality of strangers I don't think you can be so choosy or specific about your future living arrangements. If someone has agreed to a couple of nights you do your best to find any suitable accomodation as quickly as possible, you don't decide you like the look of a particular flat so therefore they should put you up for another month.

gamerchick Thu 26-Jun-14 10:18:29

A PP brought up the very point I was just thinking. OP there seems to be quite a few people on this thread who would gladly take your guest in until he's sorted. But I'm assuming you've already had a load of PMs already.

Very kind of you all to offer to take in a stranger as the OP did for a couple of nights, I'm sure the OP is grateful.

tearsofrobertsmith Thu 26-Jun-14 10:21:24

I've spotted about 4/5 posters suggesting that you take your 5 year old in with you and your husband- you've not responded that I've seen as to whether this is a possibility. You've said that the couch is a no go but surely having your son in with you is the most obvious solution.
As an aside I think it is commendable that you've taken this chap in. Really incredibly generous. However I think surely a week is the limit of reasonableness. I'd swear too if I was your daughter. Well done all of you.

GarlicJunoWho Thu 26-Jun-14 10:24:25

Moz, I'm afraid the most outstanding thing about your predicament is that you don't know his phone number, email address or daily routine!

For what it's worth, I agree that this is a great time for DD to learn a bit about compassion (and domestic violence.) Has anybody sat with him & listened to his story?

I imagine he feels terrified and very unsure of himself. I imagine he gave that shark his money because he's desperate to resist going 'home' and uncomfortable staying with you, where he isn't welcome. Why not actually take him under your wing for a bit, encourage him to reach out to the appropriate services - which he won't know about, but Mumsnet and the CAB do, between us - so that he can start feeling assure there IS help?

YY, if he acts all creepy around DD, he'll need to go. But for now, what we know about him is that he's scared, his life has fallen to shreds, no doubt feels ashamed, and could do with getting a raft of support in place. You and your family can assist smile

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 10:28:38

But for now, what we know about him is that he's scared, his life has fallen to shreds, no doubt feels ashamed, and could do with getting a raft of support in place. You and your family can assist
-

For how long - 3 days

10

1 month...

they have helped enough - he should go - as I said above he should go to a hotel for the rest of the 7 days - paid for by them - keep their family safe and get him out.

He is not their problem - he is not even a friend....

shockinglybadteacher Thu 26-Jun-14 10:40:34

LOL, Garlic, perhaps he can be a Family Teaching Time moment. He can sit down with OP's DD and tell her exactly when he was hit, what justification was given, how much it hurt and what he felt. Perhaps that can be in lieu of rent. hmm

Seriously, I don't think the DD is unfeeling. Annoyed and angry perhaps. But the only person she's let out her feelings to is her mum. If she can't do that, what can she do? Especially as her wishes weren't consulted in the matter.

I wonder who'll take in the unemployed bloke who's been given 4 weeks to leave by shark landlord? Anyone being holier than thou on this thread? Anyone?

Yabu and your dd is very rude and spoilt.""

And yet when OP's ask if they are unreasonable in not wanting to put family up over Christmas, they are told YANBU.

I don't understand why the 5 year old can't sleep with the OP and her DH and her adult DD can't have her bedroom, in her own home, back.

Or has the DH got family he can stay with and the OP sleeps with the five year old and gives this stranger her bed.

Or publish we're you are and all these kind MNers can give up their beds.

Giving support if able to, is one thing but this is to much of a disruption.

happyyonisleepyyoni Thu 26-Jun-14 10:43:01

If he is homeless the council have responsibility to find hom emergency accommodation. Its not your problem OP.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Jun-14 10:44:24

Vampy imam sure she can express herself without being nasty. Op has been kind to have this man in her home who they don't know very well, 4 weeks is a lot to have a friend or family member stay, let alone a stranger. Op you just have to tell him that it's not possible, he will have to ask friends or family or go to tge housing office.

happyyonisleepyyoni Thu 26-Jun-14 10:44:52

OP tell him to call Shelter

england.shelter.org.uk

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 10:45:10

If he is homeless the council have responsibility to find hom emergency accommodation

Not necessarily. It depends whether they consider him intentionally homeless, and whether he has a local connection. if he is considered vulnerable and they have a duty to house him then they should provide a hostel bed but that's not a given.

unrealhousewife Thu 26-Jun-14 10:47:34

Some local authority have a much shorter waiting list for small flats, it's always worth a try, even on London.

unrealhousewife Thu 26-Jun-14 10:48:05

*in

GarlicJunoWho Thu 26-Jun-14 10:50:25

He is not in priority need. The council does not have a legal duty to house him.

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/downloads_and_tools/emergency_housing_rights_checker

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 10:53:43

Having to flee DV might make him vulnerable according to their criteria but he would need evidence of some kind. Still depends on the local connection question.

SquigglySquid Thu 26-Jun-14 11:10:33

This isn't an Lifetime channel movie guys. Just because you take him under your wing or even have him talk to everyone about his situation as a teaching moment doesn't mean he'll turn his life around and everyone will have fuzzy feelings as a bird that had a wounded wing now flies off into the sunset.

When people are scared, some cower harmlessly. People are sympathetic to those type of people because it plays on their instincts to care for something.

But you know what else scared and abused people do? They lash out, they manipulate, they lie. They have been in a situation where their survival depends on lying, fitting what the person wants, avoiding conflict, being dependent solely on the abuser in any number of areas. They are in survival mode, and while those traits helped them survive their relationship, they are maladaptive and terrible skills for normal relationships.

Have you ever had to live with someone with PTSD? I have. It's a fucking nightmare. If not PTSD he will have some sort of MH issues that is currently not being treated.

Not everyone is a likable and sympathetic victim.

More importantly, the only one that can fix this is him.

It really is a shame he's been hard done by in life like this, but he's not the OP's problem. She opened her door for a few nights as an emergency accommodation and he's trying to milk it and take advantage. She has a family to take care of. Not a grown adult she doesn't know to "rescue".

GarlicJunoWho Thu 26-Jun-14 11:14:59

Yeah, I have PTSD! I am a nightmare to live with grin Hence I don't live with anyone.

I'm all for parking him in a hotel if that's an option. I'm not in favour of chucking a scared person onto the street because helping him is inconvenient - unless he behaves in a harmful way. Being there & being a bit fucked-up isn't harmful in itself, imo.

Were I OP, though, I'd definitely know the basics about him - phone, email, where he works, etc.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 11:20:21

Does he have a criminal record?

Does he have drink or drugs problems

Is there a history of sexual assault that explain why he has no one else in his life that are willing to help him.

He can sleep in the cricket club pavillion....

I'm wondering why there are homeless people in London going by the amount of posters who would take in a stranger and ignore their children telling them that they feel unconfirtable in their own home.

Please jump onto the threads were MNers refuse to even let family visit until they say so and never without notice.

They obviously missed the meno that said that no-one can call their home their own and must treat it like a commune.

Well done for teaching your DD's that their feelings and wants should be ignored because there is a man who, for a reason no-one really knows, needs help. Some people are very good at setting themselves up as victims.

He could of been thrown out for a number of reasons.

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 11:41:42

I don't know glasgow
I just want him to find somewhere else now
DH will be out with him tonight so maybe can pass on all the info that I have emailed to him.
DD2 went to stay at her friend's again last night.
DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks. sad
After the school run this morning, instead of going to the gym as I had planned on my day off, I came straight home to get DD1 and take her out for breakfast before she starts work and to explain to her why the man is still at our house today.
She told me that she had not slept as that man had snored so loud all night - her bedroom is next to DD2's.
DH told me that the guy had taken 3 days off work to sort himself out. He left my house today just before 11am. He stays out til really late every night, comes back after we have gone to bed. I suspect he is at the pub.
DH assures me that this man has until this Sunday to sort somewhere else to stay.

unrealhousewife Thu 26-Jun-14 11:44:46

Put him in the front room, let him invade your space, not dds.

happyyonisleepyyoni Thu 26-Jun-14 11:47:01

If he's left his home because he's been battered then he has a case that his local council should provide emergency accommodation.

as I said before Shelter can advise.

There is no way he needs to wait a month for private rented accommodation. I'm currently looking for somewhere to move into in 6 weeks, and struggling to find anything because I'd say probably 75% of properties advertised are available immediately.

He needs to look for a different flat and/or get on Gumtree or Spareroom and find shared accommodation - he could probably be moved into somewhere by the weekend.

You've been kind offering him somewhere to stay in the short term, but his options aren't staying with you vs. homelessness. He just needs to try a bit harder, and part with some money.

Floggingmolly Thu 26-Jun-14 12:24:31

Why will he "struggle" to get a private rental, op, you still haven't explained? Particularly since he appears to have paid upfront for accommodation that isn't even available at present?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 26-Jun-14 12:27:23

Yanbu this man being there is impacting on you as a family, so yes give him until Sunday and tell him. I know that it is not his fault, he is a victim of DV but you are not happy.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 12:39:14

Flogging, she's said he isn't on a permanent contract and has no savings. That will cause him to struggle in most areas of this country.

TryingToFixThis Thu 26-Jun-14 12:39:35

DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks.

Charming. Glad he values you and your family's feelings more than a stranger's.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 12:42:39

DH assures me that this man has until this Sunday to sort somewhere else to stay.

Pay for him in a hotel - reclaim your family life

Kick him out -

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 12:44:38

I would take the kids and yourself elsewhere - until your house is your house again.

The pair of them are at the pub tonight - I bet

He is at the pub all day.

Feed a stray dog and you will never get rid!

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 12:47:29

Is there any reason he cannot go back to his own house.

Maybe he was caught cheating and walked out......

SquigglySquid Thu 26-Jun-14 12:50:30

I would take the kids and yourself elsewhere - until your house is your house again.

Agreed. Your daughter is the smartest one staying else where.

Your husband won't make this his problem until you make it his problem iykwim. So far he's very selfishly trampled everyone's feelings and done what he's wanted without consulting you as a family first. But why would he? This is no inconvenience to him personally. He still gets his own room, and then hangs with the man at the pub.

I already call it. Sunday will come and DH will be giving him one more week. Are you prepared to negate that and bluntly tell the man he needs to leave and deal with the possible row with your husband? Or find a hotel for you and your son to stay at if he chooses a stranger over his family?

floggingmolly (recommended them on a music thread yesterday! grin ) I'm guessing its because when she said employed by an agency, she meant he's temping, so has no 'guaranteed' income?

I think you have done enough and more than anyone has a right to expect. Those criticising your DD could PM you with their addresses. He could spend a week at each of their houses.

I'm sure they will be eager to do their bit.

diddl Thu 26-Jun-14 13:01:34

Problem is your husband!

Sounds as if he says yes to the guy & then buggers off to work leaving others to sort it out.

Does he not care how his daughters feel?

Floggingmolly Thu 26-Jun-14 13:07:23

Sorry blush. I read it as being in recruitment...

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 13:11:09

so did I.

In my experience a lot of recuitment consultants work on commision only

OP I'm normally the last to think along these lines, but has he got something on your DH?

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 13:31:51

Thats what I thought but never wanted to say it.

Why would you upset your whole family life for a man who is not even your friend.....

And why would no-one else help him at the cricket club?

I'd wonder if the man hadn't been simply thrown out.

EverythingCounts Thu 26-Jun-14 13:40:59

I'm not impressed with your DH here. He should be listening to his family's feelings and thinking about their welfare. If he is going out with his house guest in the evenings but not helping him find a flat, going with him to the council, ringing Shelter or other organisations in the know, then he's not actually being helpful to his friend either. Long term solutions are needed here and his best course of action as a friend is to get him a proper place to stay.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 13:46:27

Long term solutions are needed here and his best course of action as a friend is to get him a proper place to stay.

Except he is not a friend is he!

He is someone known to the Husband of the OP - and not known to the family

(Ahh see, ime recruitment consultants get a small basic, with huge bonus incentive on top)

OP, if he is temping, is he in an ongoing job? Because when i worked for an agency, we were happy to write letters for renting etc confirming that, although the contract was officially temporary, we had no reason to believe the assignment would end soon, and could confirm that joe bloggs has earned £x for however long, in a job that was ongoing.

So if he's saying he automatically can't get private rental, even though he 'has a job' because its classed as temping, he may be fibbing!

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 13:56:10

His long term rental situation is not the problem of the OP - getting him out is.

Just want to check something too. You said "battered and thrown out"?

IME again (so please all feel free to correct me!) people who are physically abusive, do so when they know you are going to stay, that they can do what they want and it wont incite you to leave. So battered and left would make sense, if you'd had enough, but it seems odd to me that someone would be abusive and then kick you out?

Sort of, if they were going to kick you out, you wouldnt be 'worth' the bother of the assault, if that makes sense? Not saying someone wouldnt hit once or twice then throw out, it's just the image that "battering" projects on my mind, doesnt get followed with being kicked out. If anyone can see what i mean at all?

I'm not saying it because its her concern to get him housed. I'm saying it because there is a possibility that when he asked to stay based on 'cant get private rental' he was lying. That would be her concern.

EverythingCounts Thu 26-Jun-14 14:00:52

Glasgow I agree, it's not the OP's problem. I am saying that if her husband wants to be a friend to this person (and by inviting him to stay he has made a move in that direction) he would be better off helping him find accommodation than taking him to the pub. The OP has no responsibilities here, I agree completely.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 14:02:16

He is clearly lying.

About many things.

The OP knows this.

Her husband may know this.

She needs to move out with her children to a place of safety and let the men do what they wish.

When he is gone then she should move back.

I would not put my family through this.

Not for a stranger - her words

Yy!

fourforksache Thu 26-Jun-14 14:05:01

let's not make too many assumptions, just make it clear to him tonight that he is packing on Sunday morning.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 14:12:06

Glad we agree smile

I would have his things packed tonight - would have him booked into a hotel for tonight - and would then have nothing to do with the situation.

If her husband wants to have his family back - he knows what to do.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 14:14:45

let's not make too many assumptions, just make it clear to him tonight that he is packing on Sunday morning.

Assuming nothing untoward happens in the meantime sad

Picked manchester as a random uk location to search and laterooms.com can do five nights for £75. Seriously, if he has cash for a deposit, he has no excuse to not do this.

s113 Thu 26-Jun-14 14:20:27

OP - be very aware of where your own responsibilities start and finish.

Your responsibility is to yourself, and YOUR family, including your DD. (I am with your DD here.)

Not to this gentleman, sad though his circumstances are. Only one person is responsible for him: himself. Don't let your DH be a yes-man to him.

If you don't announce a deadline for him to pack his bags and go, "this is the thin end of the wedge" springs to mind here: "a couple of nights" has already become longer than that. He could be in your family's space for weeks unless you draw the line clearly.

London (thats vague - i guess it means sort of central?) 5 nights for £69.

fourforksache Thu 26-Jun-14 14:29:02

youth hostel, travelodge, b&b, roomshares, lots of options, but not if he doesn't pull his finger out and try to look. I think you really need to speak to him and spell it out.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 14:31:09

The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.

then

DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks.

His reaction was the same was it not - no you cant stay!

He will be there for another 2 + weeks......he has no where to go etc.

Sunday morning is less than 72 hours away - what are his plans for then!

Darkesteyes Thu 26-Jun-14 14:45:03

Sounds to me like your Dh quite fancies having a live-in drinking buddy.

I would be putting comments on facebook announcing that I was moving out cos hubby had moved this bloke in....

Of course then friends and family would be drawing their own conclusions .....

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 14:51:01



Without the facebook comment.

We are all moving out.

I will be telling everyone why.

I would think paying him to move into a hotel would be the best option by far!

Darkesteyes Thu 26-Jun-14 15:08:51

An ex of mine went to stay with his inlaws when he and his wife split up (this was way before I met him)
His wife had gone off with someone else. He went to stay there until he could find a place. Ended up staying there for three years.

Knowing him as I did I am willing to bet that he guilt tripped his in laws into it. (it was your daughter who cheated on me and left and that's why I lost the house) from what he told me he had a very well paid job in 1990. So this didn't fit.

He showed signs of financial abuse while we were seeing each other so im willing to bet his ex paid all or most of the mortgage and that's why he lost the house when she left.

When I began seeing him years later he had had his council flat for seven years but there were no carpets just a bed a sofa and a music centre and tv.

The only thing he paid for was the music centre which was a Denon I think. Plenty of money for fags and changing his mobile every 2 months though.

And he wanted me to move in "so we can go halves on the bills" and help him pay for carpets etc. He had had 7 years to do that.

Not saying this bloke is the same. But your DD isn't the one who should be paying the price.

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 15:54:16

I would have ripped your DH a new head when he brought home a stranger and told me it was up to him how long the guy stays.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 15:57:10

Prediction

He is in a volatile damaging relationship.

He will move back to his marital home

He now has a handy local bolthole to go to for a few nights.

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.

This will only end badly

Kick him out

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:00:21

Pay for a hotel for him because he's dossing at yours? WTAF! He has money and a job.

Fuck all this DH passing on news to him. It's your home, too, and your kids'.

This person needs to know in no uncertain terms that he needs to LEAVE on Sunday. Plenty of MNers here willing to take him in.

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 16:00:31

What guy in his 40s would not want to sleep in the same house as a 2 women in their early 20s.

Possibly my DH!

Maybe I'll boot both men out tonight!

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 16:01:23

expat - my inbox remains empty sad

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:02:33

I think he'll go back, too, just looking for a place to doss for a few weeks.

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 16:10:28

I am beginning to think the same, expat. Maybe the evil LL story is not true and he just wants to crash somewhere until he can go back to his partner.
DH believes him. He just thinks the guy is clueless and has been taken for a mug by the evil LL. This may be true.
But maybe we are the ones who are really clueless.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:11:01

He will go back.

But he will return.

The balance of power in the OPs house is now set.

I have made my decision how dare you question me.

The girls cant have their usual routine, pjs in the living room, etc etc.

what happens if he comes home drunk, goes to the wrong bedroom, gets in the wrong bed.

all perfectly innocent mistakes (possibly)

He is not your husbands brother or best friend who has fallen on hard times.

He is all but a stranger who has access to your most treasured children.

One child has moved out already because of this......what else has to happen!

fourforksache Thu 26-Jun-14 16:12:48

are you going to give e him his marching orders mozz? kinder sooner rather than later.

I have visions of Sunday coming and him revealing that he still hasn't found anywhere.

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:16:49

He is having you on. Your DH is being a prize dickhead.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:18:20

I ask again.

Sunday morning is 68 hours away.

Tonight before the pub

"right you both, sunday morning is approaching, where will you be on Sunday"

"ummmmm awwwww"

Understood, I am taking the kids to my mums, let me know when I will return.....

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:20:56

I wouldn't bother asking where he's going.

'Right, well. This has disrupted our home long enough. You need to out by Sunday. That's a week.'

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:22:17

And no way would I leave my own home because his ass is there.

Anyone remember that Simpsons episode where they take Gill in....?

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:31:16

I would leave to safeguard my children as her husband has made his feelings clear.

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 16:33:11

are you going to give e him his marching orders mozz? kinder sooner rather than later

No I'm not.
DH has told him he will have to leave our house by Sunday

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 16:35:45

And we are staying. smile

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:39:26

"our"

our implies joint decisions.....

You and your children live in his house.

he makes the decisions.

I hope nothing untoward happens in the mean time.....

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:40:03

But you seem happy enough with the situation.....

smile

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 16:40:46

And then DH will let him stay when he guilt trips him.

glasgowstevenagain Thu 26-Jun-14 16:45:45

"where can he go, its a sunday, he has been getting his life together, if we throw him out now it will set him back week"

all the time DD1 is forced out and DD2 will feel uncomfortable in her own home.

I would be with the kids at my mums!!!

We will be back when he is gone.

But the important thing here is your husband does not lose face at the cricket club, cant be having his wife telling him what to do

"I told her, you will stay as long as I say so,"

Iflyaway Thu 26-Jun-14 18:52:49

I think all the posters who suggested OP should pay for a hotel room (caravan?! WTF!) for him should have a whip round, as you,re alll so generous...

Why is he in the pub every night when he,s homeless? He should be on the internet searching for a room of his own.

I would be furious if some stranger took over my room and bed - eww!

Takingthemickey Thu 26-Jun-14 19:02:03

Is this saga still ongoing? Surely OP has been inundated with offers to house this guy from those who believe she and her DD were being unreasonable and they would do more in their place.

If not I can volunteer to scroll through the thread and get their details for you OP then it is a win-win. You get your home back and he gets a place to stay.

Nomama Thu 26-Jun-14 19:04:33

But if she pays and drives him there she is shot of him. All done and dusted.

While she waits for him to remember he is homeless and do something he is still in her house!

Mind you, she may want to pay for 2 rooms and take DH too smile

I suspect Dh is embarrassed, that's why he is snappy. This man has made him look like a twonk in his own home and he is doing that classic British thing, getting angry at the wrong people so as not to look daft in front of the stranger/people at the cricket club.

Darkesteyes Thu 26-Jun-14 20:03:19

Have you tried Googling this bloke OP Just to see if anything comes up however small.

Ahh, good idea darkesteyes!!

YouMakeMeHappy Thu 26-Jun-14 20:36:15

I don't believe anyone suggesting she pay for a hotel room would actually do so themselves!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 26-Jun-14 20:52:39

We had a similar situation with an acquaintance of DH that wanted to move in for 'a few weeks' as he had sold his house sooner than he expected but couldn't go to Oz to live until N. N being about six weeks. I didn't want him in the house as he is not animal oriented at all and I didn't trust him to not let them onto the road etc. We got him to lash out the same as a months rent on a second hand caravan which we collected and set up in the garden. This worked brilliantly. He expected us to entertain him but he soon realised that that was not going to happen and once we had dealt with the suddenly hatching dormant flea population in the otherwise immaculate £600 caravan, it was all peachy. We still have the caravan and sit in it sometimes and listen to the rain on the roof. We will weigh it in for scrap before we tidy up for winter though I expect. It had a concrete tortoise in one of the drawers for some unknown reason!

unrealhousewife Thu 26-Jun-14 21:04:35

A concrete tortoise sums up these house guests exactly. grin

NoodleOodle Thu 26-Jun-14 21:11:10

I think it's weird that he paid a deposit for a flat that wasn't available straight away when he could have easily used that money to move into a shared house or as a lodger the very next day.

Darkesteyes Thu 26-Jun-14 21:22:10

Noodle it aint just weird Its very iffy

expatinscotland Thu 26-Jun-14 21:24:02

It's probably bollocks, too.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 21:33:02

how are things, OP ?

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 21:42:31

Just waiting for DH to come home anyfucker
I think he is out with that man
I hope he has found somewhere else or will do by Sunday
I do feel bad for the guy but my DD2 is still at her friend's house - I don't want her to think that she is not important sad

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 21:44:43

your husband is out doing what exactly with this guy ?

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 21:49:01

I don't know exactly until he comes home and tells me anyfucker
I saw DH for 10 minutes this evening after he had finished work and he seemed a lot more reasonable and understanding of both our DDs as this man has already overstayed his couple of nights.
I do believe he will be using this time constructively as it has been disruptive to DH also. He is tired.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 21:51:24

do you think they are viewing flat shares together ?

< doubts it >

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 21:58:29

Most likely having a few pints together! However, this guy is not a friend of DH and I don't think he ever could be - the only thing they have in common is the cricket club.
If he were going to be his drinking buddy he would have been so years ago. He would have been to our house, our wedding and got to know our DC. That is never gunna happen now.
He is just a person he has known through the club for years. DH described him as a placid kind of guy.
But he has never been to his house and you can't really know what happens behind closed doors

NoodleOodle Thu 26-Jun-14 21:58:30

I know of a few rooms available in shared houses locally, ranging from £86 to £100pw all inc, one week deposit, one week rent in advance. He should be able to find a suitable room like this within two days, surely?

When DH gets back I would ask him if this is what he is going to do, and if not, why not? I managed to do it when I got kicked out of home at 16 whilst still in education and pregnant so I'd have thought a fully grown working man would have no problem doing similar, and I did it before the internet and spare room websites that make things even easier.

NoodleOodle Thu 26-Jun-14 22:00:11

Universities do summer lets in halls too, which should be available now.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 22:01:56

I don't particularly live in an area known for flat or house shares, but a quick google tells me there is lots of options locally.

I am not quite getting the disbelief that this guy is lying about being in a horrendous situation nor am I particularly impressed with the repetitive thinly veiled insinuations about him being one step away from sexually abusing your daughters but something is really not adding up here

Mozzereena Thu 26-Jun-14 22:07:17

If he has not found a place of his own soon, I suspect that the reason is he does not want to get one and his intention may be to eventually go back to the partner. DH told me that the guy said he still loved her but he didn't want to go back to her. I think bollocks - he still loves her and doesn't want this split to be permanent. The last time it happened he ran to his mums then back again. He could have left then yet chose to go back.

SpringHeeledJack Thu 26-Jun-14 22:34:41

not being (completely) facetious, but what about the rest of the cricket club?

there must be at least 11 of them- can't they do a rota?

what do they think?

why'd he pick DH/knock on your door rather than any of the others?

Peekingduck Thu 26-Jun-14 23:13:45

"We still have the caravan and sit in it sometimes and listen to the rain on the roof." Complete tangent - I loved doing that in my little caravan by the side of my field. It's gone to the caravan heaven some years past, you've made me start looking on EBay for a replacement.
I've read through this thread in total disbelief that so many people think Op is wrong to want this man to move on. She and her family gave him help when he needed it, even though it meant that their daughter had to give up her room and her bed. Any decent person would be spending every spare minute trying to find somewhere else to live.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 23:15:54

are the boozers back yet, OP ?

Darkesteyes Thu 26-Jun-14 23:16:43

This is a really weird situation

Maria33 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:35:30

I think the OP is a saint. Your houseguest needs to sort his shit out.

I think dd was well within her rights to want him to fuck off. Some people take the piss. A week is very very generous. A month is a piss take.

I'm astonished that anyone is criticising the OP and suggest they go down to their nearest YMCA and take home some down on their luck geezer they find there...

Maria33 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:37:15

Except those people have managed to sort themselves out without imposing on some family...

gingee Thu 26-Jun-14 23:43:00

OP I'm following this thread with interest as I'm dealing with a guy in a similar situation it's complex but to be fair he's not staying with me more like expecting me to feed/clothes/supply with money. An employee of DH, one of his 'lads' (in 40s though) I'm not one to victim blame but I am dubious about his situation and why he has no one else.

gingee Thu 26-Jun-14 23:44:57

Forgot to add, please do let us know how you get on tonight. And also, is your DP supplying this guy with money for drinks at the pub/club?? How is the guy eating/getting around if he has no money??

ChelsyHandy Fri 27-Jun-14 00:02:32

DH bit my head off when I told him dd2's reaction to the man wanting to stay another 4 weeks

Is this man very charismatic or something OP? Is your DH mesmerised by him in some way? He doesn't seem to be acting very rationally.

Darkesteyes Fri 27-Jun-14 02:11:19

Hope they didn't come back too pissed OP.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 27-Jun-14 07:38:20

Why does he not stay at his mums?

wafflyversatile Fri 27-Jun-14 07:51:58

She died.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 27-Jun-14 08:07:08

Oh right. What about steering him towards the nearest YMCA or hostel, tell him to contact shelter.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 27-Jun-14 08:08:17

He cannot stay with op indefinitely, irs affecting her family, that dd has to sleep at a mates house, they song have the room.

annielouise Fri 27-Jun-14 08:14:08

Can't one of his other drinking mates put him up? Sounds like he's not scared to ask for a favour. Your DD2's reaction was perfectly normal for a 21 year old, swearing included. I'd be most put out.

I'm sure he's fine but you don't know this bloke at all yet you let him stay with you where you have 3 kids. Very trusting. I wouldn't have.

annielouise Fri 27-Jun-14 08:15:59

Can't believe he went ahead and paid a deposit on a place that will take a month to be vacant, but probably could take months and months, and he didn't even ask you if that was ok! He sounds immature, not very clever and a bit of a chancer.

Have you spoken to your DH, OP? Do you think he will leave by Sunday?

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 08:56:10

I'm sure he's fine but you don't know this bloke at all yet you let him stay with you where you have 3 kids. Very trusting. I wouldn't have.

- I am not sure he is fine - daughter 2 was creeped out by him and did not want to be home alone.

I wonder if he realises in 48 hours he will be homeless!

I suspect not...

A few more days etc etc

Forgot to add, please do let us know how you get on tonight. And also, is your DP supplying this guy with money for drinks at the pub/club?? How is the guy eating/getting around if he has no money?

--- this - either your husband is spending money on him - weird - or he does actually have money!

I feel sorry for the OP and the family of the OP - the 2 girls especially -

However, it is up to her to manage the situation...

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 09:00:20

are you going to give e him his marching orders mozz? kinder sooner rather than later

---No I'm not.
DH has told him he will have to leave our house by Sunday--

unrealhousewife Fri 27-Jun-14 09:30:20

I still don't understand why you won't put him in the living room. I wouldn't let a grown man that I didn't know well sleep in dds bed.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 09:36:32

Because then they would need to tip toe round him in the morning...

Her poor daughter going back to her bed that a strange man has been sleeping in

New duvet and pillows I hope!

Peekingduck Fri 27-Jun-14 09:51:11

Do we think that B+B's and hotels provide new duvets and pillows after every guest?

Mozzereena Fri 27-Jun-14 09:58:38

They came back just after 10 last night. I went downstairs when I heard them come in. DH was in a nicer mood than he has been. I had a chat with the guy and got the impression that he is of low iq maybe mild ld. He has got somewhere for a couple of nights from Saturday and if he hasn't sorted out a place after that the stewardess of the club is allowing him to sleep in the changing rooms at the pavilion. He seems to be intent on moving in to the evil LL flat in a month so has been trying to get one of the spare rooms.com for a month and surprise surprise none will take him for just a month. He has never lived in a place on his own. He lived with his mum until moving in with his abusive partner around 6 years ago. He put a deposit on the first place he saw on Tuesday. It had not occurred to him that the evil LL may not have a place for him in a month or that he may never see that deposit again until he had a good chat with DH last night. He is a very vulnerable man. sad

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 10:04:43

No, but that is not your bed - your space.

This is a stranger in her bed.

And lets be honest - the chances are he is probably masturbating in her bed.

As I said - disgusting.

Again the OP said that her other daughter feels creeped out byhim.

But as I said before - the OP has had this foisted upon her - as she has no say in what happens at her husbands house.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 10:06:18

I am glad it is all sorted - the cricket club solution is the best.

He is not your problem - please do not get over involved.

This is not your problem.

I am glad your family can get back to normal!

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 10:06:22

aw, that's sad. Glad you managed to have a chat.

If it did come to letting him stay longer, is there anywhere else you could put him?

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 10:06:53

glasgow!

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 10:14:59

If it did come to letting him stay longer, is there anywhere else you could put him?

- No this is not her problem.........

Need to wipe hands of this.

And I am sorry - but I would want all the bedding replaced - a strange man I do not know has been sleeping/sweating and probably masturbating in her bed!

unrealhousewife Fri 27-Jun-14 10:15:43

If you think he is vulnerable you ought to call the council vulnerable adults services. I hope you can teach dd that what she did was very kind and perhaps learn from it yourself.

OberonTheHopeful Fri 27-Jun-14 10:40:20

OP, I would repeat my earlier advice about encouraging him to contact the DV service at the local authority, or maybe asking someone to do it for him (the lady at the cricket club perhaps?). You and your family really have been very kind to help him out in his hour of need, but with the best will in the world you cannot collectively act as his social worker!

From what you've posted he does sound vulnerable and in need of professional support. From what you have posted it certainly sounds like he is vulnerable to being exploited.

The DV worker will have experience of helping people like him, including with issues such as housing. If, as you suspect, he has some special needs and has never lived on his own he may even need help just arranging things like utilities once he has somewhere to live, and she or he may even be able to arrange a longer term support worker to help him.

ChelsyHandy Fri 27-Jun-14 10:44:09

I'm sure the OP has been inundated with pms from the posters criticising her offering this man at least a month's accommodation. After all, even if they are not local to her, it will give him the chance to move further away from the source of the DV, and he doesn't seem to be that restricted by current employment.

Who would have guessed that there are so many people out there willing to let a virtual stranger move in with their family and children for such a long period of time!

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 10:58:06

Including the OPs husband!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:08:49

OP you've been kind I'm letting him stay and done the right thing encouraging him to move on.

Glasgow Steve are you deliberately trying to worry the OP? You have been constantly scare mongering and its really not on.

You seem like you only post to make situations worse

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:17:18

It was the OP who posted to say her other daughter was creeped out by him.

It is not just me who suggested she does not know him or his background.

The OP was happy to let a stranger stay in her house - alone with her daughter.

Scaremongering - would you let an acquaintance of your husbands (someone you had never met) spend a week in the house with your sleeping family.....

I am not the one who made the situation worse - the situation is what it is - but the OP is the one who refused to safeguard her family by either enforcing he moved out or moving out herself.

Lets not minimise

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:27:10

I'm not going to get into an argument about it but you know exactly what you are doing.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:29:35

I am saying there is a chance that this stranger could rape her children

Yes I am!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:31:16

Yeah scaremongering

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:40:52

So would you be happy having a stranger alone in the house with your child....

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:46:27

He isn't a stranger though. Her DH knows him

Theres a whole world between husband's friend and his acquaintance.

Having had a bad experience with a friend of a friend, I'll never apologise for encouraging someone to be "too" careful.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:53:55

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend)

It is getting awkward for me and the DDs as this man is not really a friend of my DH so he has never been to our house. It would be a whole lot easier if we actually knew him!

However, this guy is not a friend of DH and I don't think he ever could be - the only thing they have in common is the cricket club.
If he were going to be his drinking buddy he would have been so years ago. He would have been to our house, our wedding and got to know our DC. That is never gunna happen now.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:54:48

He does not "know" him.

He has been in his company

For years - yet the OP has never met him!

Not a friend

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:55:25

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:46:27
He isn't a stranger though. Her DH knows him

He is a stranger to the OP, the 5 year old and certainly the 2 girls who are 21 and 22!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 11:56:35

Well I don't think there's any point continuining this discussion.

Its all getting a bit too daily mail for my taste

Mordirig Fri 27-Jun-14 11:58:40

I think the Landlord and deposit is BS tbh, a lie designed to get him 3 more weeks digs at your house.
If you had of let him stay I bet the LL and flat would have fallen through and it would be even harder to get rid of him.

Make sure he is out on Sunday, he is working and can pay for a travel lodge.

You are a better person me, I wouldn't have taken him in if I had children in the house.

I agree that the OP might find it useful to have a word with Social Services. If this man is as she describes him - possible mild SN and history of being abused - then he probably counts as a 'vulnerable adult' and the local authority will step in.

Glasgow: your posts display revolting, scaremongering bigotry. You are not helping the OP at all.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 11:59:59

Your idea of someone to be trusted is different to mine.

I certainly would not leave a virtual stranger - remember this man is a stranger to the OP and her girls - alone with them, or overnight.

Can we just clarify here spence, I shared that I am wary for a very particular reason, and you called it "a bit daily mail"?

Do you intend to be so blasé about my entirely valid experience?

Because that is a level of insulting that i would call "a bit daily mail".

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:01:47

In what way am I being "bigoted"

I am a man - I have listened to enough male chat to know how we think and how we act.

I do not think the OP realizes that she and her family are at risk of violence and sexual assault by a stranger in their own house - as they sleep

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:03:01

I think it was me who was called a bit daily mail sad

I also have experience of someone who was known to a family acting in a way they should not...

But I am a bigot.....

Quite possibly glasgow, but i was agreeing with you, so if your posts are "DM", then mine agreeing must be too.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:06:43

Thanks...

People are too trusting and nice.

I am not...anymore...

Friends are friends...people you share the same carpet with at work and have water cooler chat are not - they may become friends but they certainly would not be sleeping in my house.

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 12:11:19

Yeah I was talking about Glasgow Steve who decided to take it to a new level of scaremongering and it appears I'm not the only one who thinks this

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:14:21

Equally I am not the only one who would not have had a stranger in their home with my children.

I must say you are a better person than - you would be happy in this situation - someone you or your children had never met - living with you.

Despite the fact that I have second hand experience and other posters have first hand experience of what can go wrong.

I make no apologies for my previous comments.

Her family is in danger.

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 12:17:45

Yeah things can go wrong but saying for a fact he is blackmailing the husband, going to rape his daughter, he's wanking in her bed is bollocks.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:48:35

Her husband taking in a virtual stranger and getting angry when his daughter was upset that it may have been a month - very strange - someone else suggested that first

Going to rape his daughter - possibility and I stand by that.

Wanking in her bed - I would be shocked if this has not happened already.

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 12:51:18

I forgot that when a man sleeps in a bed that is not his own he has to have a wank.

You must post as some kind of parody account.

Mordirig Fri 27-Jun-14 12:56:23

I would be surprised if he hadn't had a wank in the bed tbh.

Everything is a possibility and he isn't a friend is he so I think it was foolish to take him in when there are children and young females living in the house.
If I was the DD I would want a new bed and sheets when he left, I would do that for my DD any way.

Things do go horribly wrong and there is no denying that.

However I am sure the OP has put measures into place where the children are not alone with him in the house anymore.

ChelsyHandy Fri 27-Jun-14 12:58:11

Equally, there are also people who are drawn to dysfunctional people, and who will defend them to the gilt. Look at all those people who write to and marry violent prisoners in jail.

This is an odd thread. I don't think anyone is saying this man will attack anyone, but simply pointing out its a known risk, in a very non specific sense. Its highly unlikely anything at all will happen, but its clear that the OP and her daughters are uncomfortable about being drawn into this situation.

OP - how many offers of free accommodation for this man did you receive by pm from all your armchair critics?!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 12:58:30

Why would you be surprised if he hasn't had a wank?

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 12:58:42

Spence he would not have had the wank because he was in a new bed - but because men like wanking!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:04:16

What a stupid thing to say. Yes men like wanking and I'm sure women do too.

That doesn't mean that you can't hold off for a few days.

You are definitely on the wind up

kali110 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:10:28

I feel sorry for this man, there are some disgusting comments about him on this thread

Mordirig Fri 27-Jun-14 13:12:03

He thought he was on to a 4 week stay until last night, so I doubt he has felt the need to 'restrain' himself, of course I could be wrong, but equally I could be right, which if I am the poor OP's DD has to deal with that! She is 21 the thought would have probably gone through her head as well.

The thing is, he could say anything, you don't really know why he has left.
Unfortunately some people do lie about their circumstances to gain sympathy, and because he is only an acquaintance it would be hard to gauge if he is being honest.

I wouldn't have taken him in, but if I felt like he was desperate I would have given him the money for a travel lodge for 1 night.
I would rather be out of pocket than risk my children.
I feel sorry for the OP as her DH signed her up for this, and even more sorry for the children especially DD who had her room taken away and has a strange man sleeping in it.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:13:20

I assure you I am def not on the wind up.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:14:52

Thank you Mor - my points exactly

Kali - I feel sorry for this man, there are some disgusting comments about him on this thread

No more than any other stranger - they are a potential danger - and remember the OP had to return home as her daughter did not want to be in the house alone with him

Mordirig Fri 27-Jun-14 13:14:58

For the record, I wouldn't take in a lone female acquaintance either!

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:18:31

He is a grown man not some horny teenager.

This is getting stupid now

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:21:32

I am a grown man - I would not choose to go 3/4 days without ....

But it is not about that - it is the fact he is a stranger in their house

AgaPanthers Fri 27-Jun-14 13:23:44

Why are you sharing your wanking habits on this thread?

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 13:24:13

glasgow, you're coming across a bit hysterical.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:27:40

I just think families should be safe guarded.

I would rather be hysterical than the alternative.

I was sharing because a PP said "he is not a horny teenager"

fourforksache Fri 27-Jun-14 13:28:50

I agree about keeping your kids safe but the op is not leaving the man in charge of her kids, she is just giving him use of a room while the parents are still there.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:34:45

DD1 (age22) was getting ready for work for 11am start. She rang me on my mobile as everyone was out except for her and this man. She asked me what time is that man going out? I told her I didn't know as I didn't know anything about him really and I don't even have his phone number. She told me that she could hear him in the bathroom and she asked me if she could use my en-suite and get changed in my bedroom.
I told her yes and said I would come home right away so that she wasn't on her own in the house with him.

spence82 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:38:34

He's sharing as he's on a wind up.

glasgowstevenagain Fri 27-Jun-14 13:41:53

I am telling you I am not on a wind up.

I am not the only poster who thinks her family is in danger, who thinks he has prob masturbated in her daughters bed.

A stranger in a house with your 22 year old daughter.....okaaaaaaaaaaaaay