To just want him to find a job?

(69 Posts)
DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 04:33:21

DP hasn't been working now for 4 years.
He has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years that have passed, and I have been going from job to job, my most recent of which I had to leave due to ill health and claimed ESA.
We are struggling so much financially now that I am not working, and all he can be bothered doing is going on his play station all afternoon.

But my biggest gripe is that he makes ZERO effort to find a job. We don't have Microsoft Word so it would mean going to the library to do his CV and in his words "he doesn't know what he is doing". I've told him that there must be someone, somewhere that help with these sorts of things. A free IT course or something, but it falls on deaf ears.

It has come to the point where I have had enough. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a while now, and I am pregnant with DC3 (unplanned) which has thrown me a thousand steps back from recovering from my depression.

My children have never known their dad go out to work. All they see is someone slobbing about doing absolutely nothing. Nothing even around the house apart from wash a few pots and he thinks he's helped out.

I'm such a mess sad sad

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 05:14:59

You poor thing. No wonder you have depression and anxiety.

He actually said "I don't know what I'm doing"? It sounds like an appeal for help. He's probably depressed too at this point. Do you think he would see the GP?

What did he do before?

It does sound as if he may be depressed.

On a practical note, I'm assuming you do have a home PC of some description. Do you have Internet access at home? If so, I would download Open Office software (free) and use that to create a CV. You can save the document in MS Word compatibility mode.

Athrawes Tue 17-Jun-14 06:32:43

Job centre have courses and people who can and will help. He just needs to ask.

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 06:58:29

It's not you that's the mess, Drained - although you're understandably exhausted and fed up. I'd do something about it now or it could go on for another 20 years. (Why should he change if he's getting away with it/has gpt away with it for 4 years? It's fine for him if food is still reaching the table and he gets to play games all afternoon.)

Have you assessed your likely position if you were on your own with the DCs? Could you manage financially?

antimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 06:58:40

I am sure Job Centre can help.
Has he tried to get an appointment?

Anyway writing CV starts with just writing what he has done and all details in his previous jobs.
It can be done in an email.
When he books with job center he can then learn how to copy&paste and format it.

Auntimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 07:01:51

What is he living on? Can you take his money away so he has to work or (nearly) starve?

I read recently about a course for long-term unemployed which helps them with this stuff. There is lots of help available if he wants it.

Can you take his money away so he has to work or (nearly) starve?

Are you serious? shock

Can you imagine the response if a woman came on here complaining that her husband had taken all her money away?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:37

Seriously though, what is he doing for money? If he's on JSA then he'd be obliged to be looking for work.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:40

Our library has a workshop one afternoon a week when it is closed for to help people write CV's and apply for jobs.

MmeMorrible Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:56

I would be sorely tempted to sell the playstation unless it belongs to the DC and/or sell the games that he plays.

Auntimatter Tue 17-Jun-14 07:13:20

Pumpkin, can you really imagine a woman with children who sits on their backside playing Playstation and does nothing useful to anyone?

He needs a serious boot up the backside.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 17-Jun-14 07:15:59

God, OP, I feel for you. My DP has been out of work since December, has had some temporary work and has been applying for jobs, and still we are feeling the strain both financially and emotionally (see my thread on AIBU). I can't imagine how shit 4 YEARS must be! He sounds either completely lazy and fuckwitted, or possibly depressed- not sure which from your posts so far. Have you got any friends or family members who could help him with his CV?

Pumpkin, can you really imagine a woman with children who sits on their backside playing Playstation and does nothing useful to anyone?

Yes, sometimes there can be a medical reason for it (ie, depression has been suggested).

Sometimes there isn't.

Either way, I don't think financial abuse is the answer.

Tough situation.

Are you asking for help to change him or help to leave him? Or are you still undecided?

Humansatnav Tue 17-Jun-14 07:20:27

Hi op , how old is he ( I work for an Apprenticeship provider) ?

Preciousbane Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:34

Does the job centre not force him to sign or or go on courses?

I'm sure that even if he hadn't worked for four years if he had been trying his best to find a job then even though you would still be brassic you would not feel so bad.

I have a friend whose BF has been out of work for at least 8 years. They don't have dc and he loves to sit and play on his computer and live off her wage. She does earn a decent amount but they have a huge mortgage. He has done nothing to improve his situation.

Do you think he understands the gravity of the situation?

Pantone363 Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:42

There is SO much help with CVs etc available. And so what if he does have to go to the library?

Fair dues if he was helping around the house but clearly he's quite content to sit on his arse playing games whilst his pregnant, ill wife provides. Ship up or ship out matey.

littledrummergirl Tue 17-Jun-14 07:33:04

I feel that the people in your life should be there because they add something to it. What is he adding?

At the very least he should be taking care of the home and allowing you to rest when you are home. It is not helping out, it is being a parent.

He needs to go to your local college and do some of the free courses as well as volunteering somewhere. These would give hin new skills.

I would consider taking the controllers out of the house with me. If he wants to behave like a child then treat him like a child.

Or tell him he needs to start taking some responsibility. It would get very shouty in my house Im afraid.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 07:38:50

OP How old is?

What are his skills/qualifications/experience?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 07:39:35

I'd also be interested to know what he did before, OP. You can often get a situation where a person won't even look at anything unless it's of a level with what s/he perceives to be their 'proper' grade or type of work. Whereas in your situation and given the length of time, he should be going for any old scut work that's around given the need to get back into working routine and bring some money into the household, taking some of the pressure off you.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 07:41:46

There are also specific schemes with really structured help and funding for certain age groups.

He sounds like he needs some extra help. Hard to advise without info.

bumbumsmummy Tue 17-Jun-14 07:46:16

How much would you get if you sold the Xbox ?

If its a choice between feeding the kids rent or Xbox then it goes depressed or not

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:04:19

Thank you so much for all of the replies.
When I claimed ESA, they just put us on a joint claim for it so that's what we are living on at the moment as well as tax credits and child benefit.
He is too proud. He won't go and ask for help, or go volunteering, etc..
The type of work he has done before was mixture, but mainly to do with customer services. Call centre and face to face.

I am also worried about his references. He left his last job on bad terms 4 years ago, and the one before that he hasn't got a clue if his manager is there or not. So yet another thing to stop him from getting a job.

I will try Open Office on my laptop, see how that goes with his CV.

I think he may well be depressed too. I have told him to go to the drs but he just shrugs it off and says he's fine.

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:05:41

Does he socialise? Do anything outside the house?

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:06:10

As for selling his ps3, I don't even want to think about what his reaction would be if I did that! I wanted to throw it in the sink once but I stopped myself.

Groovee Tue 17-Jun-14 08:06:53

If he volunteered then he would get a reference. Unfortunately people like this will only help themselves when they want too.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:08:42

He doesn't really socialise with anyone no. Neither of us do.

Oh someone asked up thread how old he is. He's 30.'

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:09:22

You might have to choose between accepting the status quo and getting really tough with him.

Purplewithred Tue 17-Jun-14 08:10:08

Three options: Jobcentre, GP or separation. Sounds like you need to play hardball.

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 08:10:29

I'll lay a modest wager that he doesn't attempt to do his CV properly, that you end up being the one who tries to lick it into shape while he plays games and that he then argues with you/yells at you for 'putting too much pressure on him'. (I've been where you are.)

What will you do if he won't start trying to obtain work? I think you need to at least start thinking about it.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:12:20

I've been really tough with him recently. I've told him he's got to change this situation and to make an effort.
I told him that if I left him and took the kids with me he would soon be looking for a job as who wants to live on £70 a week?!

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:12:50

Well at 30 he could scrape onto some Princes Trust grant schemes and similar but he doesn't sound like he has the gumption to cut his own toenails ATM.

You need to figure out what the end game is.

Bogeyface Tue 17-Jun-14 08:14:24

Re:Open Office when you save documents you get a choice of formats. Choose the .doc format because then they can be opened by people using Word/Office etc, if you save it in the default then they cant view it.

As for the job hunting (or not), if he wont do it and refuses to volunteer etc I am not sure there is much you can do. Yes he could be depressed but I have to be honest it sounds more like excuse making to me. He never had to work because he knew you would, now he has to and he is still coming up with reasons why he cant look for a job. 4 years without a CV is not job hunting, it is lazing around.

You need to decide if you can live like this, I wonder if your health would recover if you didnt have this lazy scrounger hanging around your neck dragging you down. You are a far better example to your kids than he is, and would cope well enough without his "help" in the house.

Think about it.

splendide Tue 17-Jun-14 08:19:12

How old are the children? Will you be better off if it means you need to pay for childcare?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 08:19:49

OK then. Get the wherewhithal for a CV set up, tell him he's got to do it and start looking for work and give him a timescale. (That latter is probably alien to him now but plenty of us have to live with one in a work context.) Then see how he does. I don't feel optimistic so I'd be thinking about your position all the while if I were you.

twentyten Tue 17-Jun-14 08:26:31

Is there anyone in the family/ friend who could talk to him? The internet is full of cv builder sites for free- just google.
What about help for you? Would seeing your gp be useful? Sounds like getting your oh out of the house would help.

MidniteScribbler Tue 17-Jun-14 08:27:24

I'm not normally one who cries LTB, but in this case, I'd be telling him to leave until he sorts himself out. Depression or not, his behaviour is a form of emotional abuse to you, and he needs to decide whether the relationship is worth the effort to him.

whois Tue 17-Jun-14 08:29:36

Who looks after the DCs at the moment?

I think I'd probably think about having a 'trial' separation, like you say he would probably find the motivation to get work if he was only on JSA and had the job centre breathing down his neck.

twentyten Tue 17-Jun-14 08:30:33

I didn't mean Ltb although that's got to be a thought- but getting him outside interacting with people. If he was a child you would be limiting screen time etc? You must look after you.

LIZS Tue 17-Jun-14 08:33:47

Surprised after 4 years he hasn't been mandated to undertake back to work courses and activities ie . support groups to write CVs , how to submit online applications, confidence and interview techniques, basic IT etc. Do you have a Children's Centre nearby , they may well run/host courses for parents and carers, employed or unemployed, and have links with charities which run free workshops. Also many FE courses are free to those on JSA/ESA. Volunteering is a good way to build elf esteem , change direction and make contacts for future employment but he may be limited as to the number of hours he can do without losing benefit.

sunshinecity17 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:09:47

Does he look after your DC while you are at work?

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 09:32:57

When I was working he did look after the dcs but he was always texting me while I was at work telling me to come home. Like its that easy to just come home.

Bogeyface Tue 17-Jun-14 09:49:32

So he doesnt work, doesnt like looking after the kids so you can work, does no housework and plays on a playstation all day.

Does he have any redeeming features at all? Because at the moment you seem to be living with a teenager.

BMW6 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:56:39

Depressed my arse. Cocklodger more like.

I suggest you kick him out for the sake of you and your DC's. And you never know it might shake him out of his "depression", the poor thing. angry

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:50:17

I can't see what he adds to your life at all.
I'd be telling him to find his nearest National Careers Service adviser, book ana and get the following lined up:
Help with cv
IT course
Literacy and numeracy course if he doesn't have those qualifications
Volunteering opportunity

If those aren't in place within a month I'd be telling him to prepare for life on his own on jsa where he'll be mandated to do those things.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:25

Sorry - book an appointment with a National Careers Service adviser...

SugarMouse1 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:43

Will you be much better off if he does get another job, anyway?

how is he with the kids?

CheeryName Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:16

Your life doesn't have to be like this. Get rid of him. He is dragging you down. Your depression will improve and your life will be better and your children's lives will be better. I know it's easier said than done, it will be hard at first but a massive improvement in the medium and long term.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:53

Redeeming features. He's good looking i suppose, but I want so much more than that. I want us to have a normal life because this isn't normal.

DCs are 3 and 1, both boys. I want their dad to be a role model to them but he just isn't. It's so sad sad

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 17-Jun-14 10:59:54

He isn't going to change is he. He is dragging you down with him. To be honest L would end the relationship, or you will be in the same situation for the rest of your life.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 11:00:44

Put expectations in place.

If he doesn't respond get rid of the leeching idle bastard.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 11:05:06

I'm going to tell him about the National Careers Service and tell him to get on with it. Is it free to use?

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 17-Jun-14 11:07:05

Set a deadline for him to find work. Is he not getting hassle from the job centre? Doesn't he have to prove that he is trying to find work?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 11:08:00

And his looks are the only redeeming feature you can think of? That's no decent relationship so I would be thinking about clarifying it directly if I were you. (Sorry, but I don't think getting him to do a CV etc will achieve anything even if you feel you need to try it.)

The prospect will seem hard at the moment - arranging childcare etc if you're given custody of the DCs - but it would actually be a lot better for you. The money won't be as dire as you think and there's a tremendous freedom in having non-personal relationships for things like childcare and handywork. (You give them money and they do the job for you - that's it: no tears, no angst, no emotional obligations.) There are plenty of people on MN who have done it and it's not something to feel quite as anxious about as you might be at the moment.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 11:08:43

Absolutely free. He can get a lot of information from the site, build a CV on itand get three appointments with his nearest adviser. There's information on volunteering and links to useful websites too. In fact if you're in Leeds or Hull if you pm me I'll do his appointments myself!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Tue 17-Jun-14 11:11:07

So he is just an absolute, 100% leech.

Does nothing.

Contributes nothing.

Is no different, no different, to a teenager at home with his parents - plays games, eats the food, drinks the drink, makes no contribution.

What you need to realise here is that this guy is a loser. He is the way he is because he likes it and thinks it's fine. You would like a role model - he sees no advantage, nothing good, in being one. He does not feel that it is important or desirable to work, make effort, bring up his children in any way at all.

Your children will definitely suffer from seeing this guy take the 'role' of father.

You would be absolutely better off in every way just to leave him:

- you would be able to create a more positive, can-do atmosphere without the other adult living in the house being 'anti' this in every way;
- you would have more money to get you started off on this more positive path - e.g. eligible for more help that you could put towards childcare etc. to get you back into work;
- you would not be supporting another able-bodied adult to play games all day and eat your food.

Please look into splitting up. It may shock him into growing up. But it's unlikely.

theywillgrowup Tue 17-Jun-14 12:00:00

so all in all hes a lazy sod who sits at home all day and has no intention of looking for a job let alone working

the job centre will help with his CV as will national careers

this man will not change,his last job 4yrs ago ended badly,dosent look to good for the future

and hes not to proud to ask for help,he just dosent want to do anything about it

op get rid,you will be so much better of in many ways

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 12:30:42

Good looking is not a redeeming feature - thats lucky.

A redeeming feature is hard working, caring, thoughtful

He will find it hard to get a job - however, he could get a start in the next month with G4S - Rocksteady - stewarding at concerts and football matches.

No experience or SIA badge nexessary -

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 12:34:39


"gumtree jobs yourtown"

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

As for CV - employers only have to confirm dates - many refuse to do anything more than that!

He will have some explaining as to why he has not had one single job in 4 years!

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

I agree that OP's husband needs to take steps to address the situation but surely that is a bridge too far for anyone?? confused

Personally I think I'd rather pole dance or man a phone sex line. Don't know if there's a call for the male equivalent?

lowcarbforthewin Tue 17-Jun-14 13:15:14

I really feel for you, it must be a very frightening situation. I think depression is a downward spiral and it might be that he's just too overwhelmed to get help or to start sorting this in any way.
I think I would be packing my bags, I'm not sure there's any way to get through to him other than giving him a big shock. Are his parents supportive, do they know how he lives?

It can be really hard to get help for depression, to put your hands up and say 'I've fucked up, I've been out of work 4 years and don't have references' but there is still a way out of this with volunteering, courses etc. I'm just not sure how you can make him engage other than leaving.

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 13:16:22
glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 13:17:20

the red cross type chuggers are always recruiting and if he is good looking he will do well!

I agree that OP's husband needs to take steps to address the situation but surely that is a bridge too far for anyone??

Sense of humour bypass - but surely he cant turn down work!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 17-Jun-14 20:46:48

He can be proud when he's self sufficient and supporting his family.

glasgowstevenagain Tue 17-Jun-14 20:50:13

The expectations of a dad and man have changed. ...

Humansatnav Wed 18-Jun-14 06:43:41

Yrs National Careers Service is free, but at 30 he is a cocklodger.
Je is unlikely to change so you may have some tough decisions ahead.

Getafuckingjob Sun 22-Jun-14 05:38:45

I am in the same position Drained except no DC.
My DH has not worked properly since Feb 2011. It's so frustrating, I carry all the worry about how we will manage month to month and we have zero quality of life.

He does look but it is work in quite a niche market and jobs in that area are scarce. He will not consider doing anything else. We are not in UK so not entitled to any benefits so we struggle on one salary and a small pension from his previous job (taken early).

Just recently I lost my job so things are even worse. He has the cheek to nag ME about what jobs I have applied for. He thinks it is easier for me because I have office skills. I've had 4 interviews in 3 weeks. More than he has had in 3 years.

One of us will probably end up going back to UK temporarily to find work. Most likely me as he looks at UK jobs but doesn't actually do anything about them.

PrincessBabyCat Sun 22-Jun-14 05:59:33

Google Docs.

Get a gmail account and just write your CV in the free word program that comes with the email. It works just like word, and it's free.

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