A money question

(103 Posts)
Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:09:52

If a grown up child ( own home/boyfriend/child) comes in a large amount of money say won over £25,000 on the lottery do you think they should give a little to their siblings? Even if it's just £200 or £50 or a present.
Especially if those people helped them when they needed help?

And what about parents if one is struggling and needs helps badly and is suffering from an illness that they can't work? Perhaps struggled for many years to raise that child as a single parent. Bearing in mind all the other parents involved have money and don't need it.
After investing £12,000 into an isa for a house in 5 years do you think its reasonable to blow the rest on a £12,00 car. Bearing in mind this is a family that usually shares everything including time and energy. Just need some feedback thanks

gobbynorthernbird Mon 09-Jun-14 13:15:27

I was a single parent for years. My daughter owes me nothing. It's not masses of money, and it seems the winners are being sensible with it.

PasswordProtected Mon 09-Jun-14 13:16:11

I think it is absolutely up to them what they do with any winnings. That said, they would be very undiplomatic if they broadcast a win to all and sundry as this would clearly create expectations.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 09-Jun-14 13:16:25

(I know it is actually a lot of money, but it isn't enough to be treating everyone, IYSWIM)

yellowdinosauragain Mon 09-Jun-14 13:18:30

I don't think it is the right of anyone to expect to be given money by someone else. Whoever is expecting this is very very unreasonable imho

In reality if I came into a large sum of money that meant I could help out family who were struggling I probably would. But not at the expense of my own nuclear family.

Infinity8 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:22:06

I don't think they should automatically share with siblings/parents. It would very much depend on the amount of money and the financial position of everyone involved. It wouldn't make sense to give money to a wealthy sibling for example.

Parents choose to have kids - the kids don't owe the parents. It makes no odds if it was a single parent household. That's due to choices made by the parents. That said, in a loving family I can't imagine not helping out parents/siblings if they needed it, once you've met the needs of your own dc, who should be the priority.

Fudgeface123 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:22:57

That isn't a lot of money but I can think of so many things it could buy to make life easier for my little family. There wouldn't be much spare to give away if it were mine

TheLovelyBoots Mon 09-Jun-14 13:25:04

I don't think anyone has to share a windfall with family, no.

Parents are supposed to look after their children, there's no repayment.

Artandco Mon 09-Jun-14 13:25:58

I don't think so

£25k isn't a huge amount. For us personally with that we would use £1000 to say treat ourselves and family to a nice meal and drinks out in restaurant. The remaining £24k would add to deposit for house ( London so £24k deposit is nothing - baring in mind our 1 bed rental flat is valued at £610k)

Impatientismymiddlename Mon 09-Jun-14 13:26:35

I really hate this idea that children should give their parents money when they can afford it. My grandmother is like this. She constantly complains that her grandchildren don't give their parents any money despite them working. It's just a shitty attitude.
I'd one of my children won a large sum of money and I was struggling I would just feel happy that they could buy themselves things that I cannot help them to fund.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Mon 09-Jun-14 13:26:40

I think investing half to save for a house, and spending half on a car is quite a wise way to spend the money. If they need a car, it's hardly "blowing" the money, is it.

�25,000 is hardly life changing, and they will need to support their own DCs for a while yet, by the sound of things.

I do think it would be nice to offer a little present to siblings or other needy members of the family, but, do you actually know the financial situation of the people concerned - those with the �25k, and/or those you say don't need it.

My kids owe us nothing for all the years we have supported them. We chose to have them, and it's our duty as parents to support them until they no longer need it.

The only lesson learned here is to not it announce to all and sundry when you come into some unexpected money!

Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:26:53

Thank you I sort of expected these answers. I guess this is just not the way our family works. I've gotten in to debt before to pay for things for them and only last week we were all chipping in for an event they were having which they still expect us to do. I will have to borrow the money to do that or take it from my shopping budget.
This is just not the way MY family works so I'm guess I'm disappointment more than anything. Is NOT about the money I just think is shellfish and not the way they were raised. It's true they need to look after themselves but I think rubbing noses in it ( sending a screen shot if bank account amount) and not even buying anyone a thing not even a box of chocolates is wrong. Thanks anyway

HecatePropylaea Mon 09-Jun-14 13:27:53

I think it would be nice. I would certainly share. I couldn't enjoy my good luck knowing people I loved were struggling. I'd rather have less for myself and share it with those I love.

But 'should' ? No. They are under no obligation to share their money with anyone and if they don't want to, then those around them have to accept that with good grace.

SavoyCabbage Mon 09-Jun-14 13:29:08

I don't think so either. I don't think you should have to 'repay' your parents for raising you. If it was 25 million then the situation would be different.

I don't think buying a car is blowing it either. It's a sensible thing to buy.

TheLovelyBoots Mon 09-Jun-14 13:29:46

I think taking the family to dinner would be a nice gesture.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:30:34

I don't think that beign brought up by a single-parent means that that person owes that parent.
It is pretty bloody shocking to suggest it quite frankly.

£25k is not a lot of money.

It's posts like these which confirm my view that if I ever win the lottery (don't bother buying a ticket for Euromillions tomorrow night all, i've got the winning one smile ) I would never tell a soul.

yellowdinosauragain Mon 09-Jun-14 13:30:36

You had already agreed to chip in for that event though so you're no worse off than if they hadn't won the money. If you couldn't afford to you should have said so when the amount was agreed. And for all you know they have debts too and the 25k will just be sunk into that.

yellowdinosauragain Mon 09-Jun-14 13:31:41

It's their money. Not yours

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:34:02

It clearly is about the money OP, and well clearly your family doesn't work the way you think it does.

Sending a screenshot of the bank account is idiotic and inflammatory and if they now have this money, you should say 'well clearly you don't need me to help out with money for <insert event> anymore' and just be done with it.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 09-Jun-14 13:34:23

I should make a macro that posts "What Hecate said" at the bottom of every thread she's on grin

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Mon 09-Jun-14 13:34:30

Well, it's stating the bleeding obvious OP, but it IS the way your family works - or at least that part of it.

I agree that sending a screen shot of bank account balance is pretty thoughtless and unfeeling, but that's a whole separate issue, and not what you asked for us to comment on in your original post.

DenzelWashington Mon 09-Jun-14 13:35:51

I think rubbing noses in it ( sending a screen shot if bank account amount) and not even buying anyone a thing not even a box of chocolates is wrong

Well, I completely agree with you. Sending a screenshot of a bank balance is pretty vulgar, really.

I genuinely don't think that there is any responsibility to share a large amount, rather than invest and make a key purchase. If everyone got a large share then no one, including the winner, would have enough money to do much with it.

However, if you're going to tell people you won the money, and these are people who have supported you, including financially, in the past, then they ought to get a small token. Even just a £50 voucher.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 09-Jun-14 13:36:57

A screenshot of a bank balance is only 'rubbing your nose in it' if you are not happy for the people with that money.

Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:38:30

Ok so cards on table I'm the mum. I don't expect ANY of my children to repay me for anything I've done for them I raised 4 children on my own and never asked anyone for anything. I'm on my own now with an 9 year old and my car is about to die so I can't get her to school. And no I can't take the bus. I know it's not her problem but I've been driving her to work hospital and just about everywhere for ever. So yes I'm a bit pissed she would not think of me a little. But she hasn't even thought if her little nieces and nephew or her little sister. And no money has been ear marked for a house ( houses prices are very reasonable here about £95,00 for 4 bed) I asked her to talk to a financial adviser but not been done so far.
She won over £5,000 last year too and nothing to show for that.
And for the record I can't work with my health which I won't get into because I'm sure nobody cares.

Oldraver Mon 09-Jun-14 13:38:58

I think the money is theirs to do what they like.....however if it were my son and he came into a large amount of money like that and he didn't want to spend a little on a treat or something I would be disapointed. It is something our family have done and he has benefitted from others generosity

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:40:04

So what kind of a gift from your daughter would satisfy you OP?

TheLovelyBoots Mon 09-Jun-14 13:40:54

Good grief he sent a screen shot of the bank balance?

I'm speechless.

KeinBock Mon 09-Jun-14 13:41:24

Sorry OP, but your tone just seems rather tedious & self-pitying to me...

It may well be that they are intending to give you a little gift, but haven't got around to doing so yet. What does come across here, is that you don't appear to like this family member very much. I sincerely hope it isn't your dd.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:41:37

In the grand scheme of things, £25k is a nice sum (I would love to get that) but it is not a life-changing amount of money. Not with young family and other commitments. If she doesn't want to see an FA OP, that is her choice.

You sound jealous and frankly, a little bitter.

Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:42:40

Of course I'm happy for her as I've said before this is NOT the way my family works we have always shared we help each other and we are ALL so happy for them.

It's just feels like we are not good enough anymore but they still wants us to chip in for there party this weekend.

FartyMcGhee Mon 09-Jun-14 13:43:03

hmmmm... to be honest I don't think there's a 'should' way of doing anything. Whoever it is who has come into this money is free to spend it how they like IMO.

It would be nice if they gifted their friends and family with something but it's not compulsory and to be honest even if they gave £100 to everyone it sounds to me like some people still might not think it was enough.

RedTractorBlueTractor Mon 09-Jun-14 13:44:20

I can understand where you are coming from and agree that the screenshot is vulgar.

Maybe just point out to them that the bank of mum is now closed and you expect them to use the money wisely and leave it at that smile

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:44:27

It's just feels like we are not good enough anymore but they still wants us to chip in for there party this weekend

Say no! Now they've got the money, surely they dont need it and wouldn't expect it.

FartyMcGhee Mon 09-Jun-14 13:45:13

"It's just feels like we are not good enough anymore but they still wants us to chip in for their party this weekend."

the best thing you can do is start changing the way you contribute to another grown person's lifestyle because clearly you are doing it to the detriment of your own.

HecatePropylaea Mon 09-Jun-14 13:46:32

you say that it's not how your family works, and that the family shares etc etc - does she? Has she, in the past? did she, with that £5000 or if you look at it, has help and support been flowing to her rather than in two directions?

not that she has to share her money, of course, but I wonder, since you talk both of how the family always shares and of how she doesn't - how the two are both accurate.

Maybe it's not how your whole family works, because if it was - why isn't she?

Or maybe she always has before but this is money that is going to give them some security and they are, on this occasion, prioritising that over sharing it out to give everyone a treat?

ivykaty44 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:47:13

I guess this is just not the way our family works.

some people in your family want to behave in a different way - so it is how some of your family work and not others - everyone is different and that includes within your family

TwllBach Mon 09-Jun-14 13:47:14

This is precisely why I would be very very quiet about any sort of good fortune that I had. If I won money it would be my money, no one elses. If I felt like it, I would be generous to those around me, but I would hate to feel pressured into it.

Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:48:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 13:51:22

Stop giving her money OP and ask her for £500 outright if you need it. Thing is, can you (not her) afford to run a car for yourself?

Burtreynolds Mon 09-Jun-14 13:52:00

So they've invested �12K, spent �12k on a car.

That leaves �1k.

What should they do with that? Split it between, you, little nices, nephews and sister? It's not going to go far is it?

fancyanotherfez Mon 09-Jun-14 13:52:44

Have you pointed these things out to your daughter? What if you just said 'now you have the money, you can pay for your party as I can't really afford it.'
You keep saying your family share everything, but that's clearly not the case with your dd as its not the first time she has come into money. It sounds like she's a little too used to you doing most of the sharing, with no sharing in return.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos Mon 09-Jun-14 13:54:42

The screen shot thing aside, I would be proud of my DC if they had that money and used it towards a house and a car. I've heard of so many people blowing a windfall on holidays and nightclubs.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 09-Jun-14 13:54:44

£1K left. Assuming they have bills, maybe household stuff that needs updating, want a holiday maybe, that really isn't a great deal.
It isn't your daughter's fault that you are depressed and disabled, and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty because she is putting her child first.

ExcuseTypos Mon 09-Jun-14 13:55:14

Now you've given your full circumstances, about your disability and the fact you are to become housebound, I do think your dd could give you some money. I know I would if my mum was in your situation.

Scousadelic Mon 09-Jun-14 13:55:24

I can understand your feelings and think people giving you a hard time are thinking theoretically rather than emotionally.

DH and I are comfortably off and would expect nothing but I would still feel hurt if one of my children did this and did not even think of token gifts or, as you say, a meal out for people who have been important in their life.

I hope things improve for you

evertonmint Mon 09-Jun-14 13:55:30

You sound so resentful of having mothered her without getting money in return! She didn't choose for you to have her or struggle to be a single mum, yet you seem to be expecting something back for that now. You claim to be happy for her but you're clearly not because you've decided what she should be doing with it and as she's not met those conditions you're complaining on here about her. Maybe she is aware that you seem to think she owes you something for your choices to have her and raise her, and she doesn't want to be involved in that sort of relationship going forward. Where does it end? Will you be expecting her to fund your retirement, support her siblings etc?

IsItMeOr Mon 09-Jun-14 13:57:12

Um, I think you're directing your anger and disappointment at the wrong people by attacking MNers.

You are angry and disappointed in your daughter's behaviour. It's okay for you to feel that way. You don't have a right to have it validated by a bunch of strangers on the internet, but it doesn't affect your feelings.

If you want to make a point, I would simply tell her that you're not going to give her the money for the party any more, as you need to spend it on a new car for yourself.

If you want to borrow/be gifted some money from your daughter, it sounds like you will need to ask. It will be her choice whether or not she obliges. And if you want to maintain a relationship with her, I would make sure she feels it is fine with you whatever she decides.

HecatePropylaea Mon 09-Jun-14 13:57:40

We are all a pack of bitches? oh well, thank you very fucking much. That's a lovely way to choose to respond to people who have taken time to answer you. - and many considerate responses have just been dismissed by you so well done and thanks.

There are a lot of people on this thread, including me, who have responded supportively, who have said that it would be nice to share, etc. Pointing out that she does not have to, does not make someone a bitch.

needaholidaynow Mon 09-Jun-14 13:59:38

Not at 25k no way.

evertonmint Mon 09-Jun-14 14:00:46

Cross-posted with your post about your current circumstances so sorry if I sounded harsh given you are clearly feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, but I do still think you are expecting too much. It's her money and she needs to do what is right for her nuclear family first. I'm afraid you and her siblings are secondary priorities and that is unfortunately how it should be.

Impatientismymiddlename Mon 09-Jun-14 14:01:11

If you are going to be housebound and have a severe disability then can you get a mobility car?
What would you have done if she didn't win the money?
You say you are happy for her but you don't sound it.

IShallCallYouSquishy Mon 09-Jun-14 14:06:09

Like PP have said, even though £25k is a lot of money, it's not A LOT of money. IYSWIM? If I won hundreds of thousands I would gift a bit to my mum and sister. E.g enough to buy them a newer car. Millions, I would buy them both a suitable property. But £25k we would just pay it off the mortgage. It doesn't go far at all!

Artandco Mon 09-Jun-14 14:07:53

Did you ask for money for a car? Did you say how much you need some money?

Really she's only spend £12k on one item the car anyway as the rest is invested. So she is being wise with it and taking financial advise.

So £1000 left. Assuming she has own children, living in own house that could easily be needed herself. Say £400 for new cooker, £200 to get children new schools and school uniform, a winter coat if money there. £200 on treating own partner/ herself/ children to hair cuts/ day out. Leaves £200 for paying bill quicker/ odd bottle of wine next few months etc

I'm sorry to hear your disabled, but how is another person going to know you want that money? Why shouldn't they buy nice car if they have one it

IShallCallYouSquishy Mon 09-Jun-14 14:08:40

Oops, RTFT!

Agree the screenshot is vulgar.

Bellaboosmum2014 Mon 09-Jun-14 14:12:31

I was directing the bitches bit to those who were saying I was not a good mother I am a good mother I've always been a good mother and as such I would NEVER ask my daughter for money. I'm sorry if I upset those who where supportive there were no such messages when I posted. Yes I'm upset and no it's still not the bloody money I don't care about the money. They haven't got £1,000 left because it was me who suggested putting the money away for a house not them. She never gave anyone anything for the £5,000 and I was left with a back recent bill of £3,000 when she left because I wasn't taking enough rent for her when she lived here and it was recalculated and that what I now have to pay. As for has she ever helped anyone well NO but then she has never been in the situation where she could. Anyway that for those who offered support I guess most people on here just don't get it.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 14:16:37

OP, you're angry becaue people aren't agreeing with you and you are now clouding the issue of whether or not somebody 'should' give money to their family members, with the fact that you are clearly vulnerable and in need.

The fact remains is that if she gave her sibs, her neices and nephews and you all a chunk of money, that would make a couple of grand dent in her winnings and why should she.

Perhaps you can speak with her separately about your need to borrow some to buy a car, but quite why you feel she should give it away to anybody else, still confuses me.

It is her money, her not wanting to give it away doesn't mean you haven't brought her up 'properly' or that she is a bad person for not wanting to either.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 14:18:14

OP, if you're not upset about the money but rather your own situation (I am being presumptious) can you speak to CAB to find out what you are entitled to and what they can do to help?

Burtreynolds Mon 09-Jun-14 14:18:30

OP I would gently suggest that if "most people on here" are saying a similar thing there might just be something in it? Most people do not think your daughter is being unreasonable - just bear that in mind in any dealings with her, no matter how hurt you may be.

DamnBamboo Mon 09-Jun-14 14:19:10

She never gave anyone anything for the £5,000 and I was left with a back recent bill of £3,000 when she left because I wasn't taking enough rent for her when she lived here and it was recalculated and that what I now have to pay

This is not your daughters fault.

theworkofsatan Mon 09-Jun-14 14:20:54

Instead of abusing people on here, who have taken the time to respond to your post, why don't you think about why you're so angry about this.

Your daughter owes you nothing financially. If she had given you something then that would have been a bonus but she is not obliged to gift you money. Yet you seem bitter and angry with her for not giving you anything. That kind of bitterness could very well destroy your close knit family.

It sounds as if your life is not easy but feeling bitter and envious of your daughter is not going to make things better for you.

CaptainTripps Mon 09-Jun-14 14:23:10

If I was the daughter, Christ yes - I'd be helping my mum out. I'd be put out too in your place. But it's just not the done thing to show it, is it?

Ask her. See what she says...

SuperScrimper Mon 09-Jun-14 14:33:51

She has a child. That is and should be, her priority. Certainly not giving money to younger siblings.

MrsMopOnTop Mon 09-Jun-14 14:37:02

I'm sorry but if I won £25,000 I wouldn't have automatically given a parent any money either.

I'd have: Cleared our families £4,000 debt.
Put £15,000 aside of a deposit on a house.
Spent £1000 on booking a week at a haven site for my family.
£5000 for a new car.

If my parent asked for £500 of it because they desperately needed it - then I'd take it out of the car budget and give it to them ... but I wouldn't do it without them asking. I have 4 kids to take care of that take priority!

CarbeDiem Mon 09-Jun-14 14:49:39

I understand that you're hurt and upset and the screen shot probably felt like a kick in the teeth.
I've been having a think and came to the conclusion that I'd have kept a win of that amount to myself.
If I gifted £500 to my mum, I would then have to do the same for my dad and both of Dh's parents = £2000 gone already.
We've 6 siblings between us and 10 nieces and nephews. Not forgetting my own 3 dc. Multiple £1000's would be needed to treat ALL of the family and in my life with debts, needing to buy a few items for the house, a new car - it just wouldn't be doable, there'd be nowt left after that smile I'd possibly arrange a family meal somewhere if I decided to tell people I'd won it.
If I won millions I'd happily gift to them all and probably to more family members/friends too.

MrsCripps Mon 09-Jun-14 14:50:56

I think that you still see her as your primary family still when she has a family of her own.

She might want to have another child - I think its ridiculous to expect her to give money to her siblings and N/N .
She has a child to think about and if you think about the situation thats what you did, prioritized your DC.

I agree the screenshot is vulgar but its her money.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Mon 09-Jun-14 15:57:57

Her nieces and nephews are certainly not her responsibility. And neither is her 9 year old sibling, who you chose to have some time after having the DD in question I assume, as she now has her own DC.

Also - you said that she'd invested in an ISA as a way for saving to buy a house in 5 years time.

How do you know they have nothing to show for the �5,000 they won last year and how on earth are these people winning huge amounts of money so often envy

Most parents would drive their DCs to hospital, or wherever, without a second thought should they need a lift.

OP - you sound very bitter and twisted, instead of being happy that a child of yours has come into good fortune. You are no worse off just because she's better off.

steff13 Mon 09-Jun-14 16:29:18

Sending the screenshot was tacky.

If I won that amount of money, I doubt I would tell anyone, for this very reason. I would give my brother and SIL a little bit of money if I could, but I would mostly take care of things my family needed. I consider myself a generous person, but at the same time, my immediate family's needs would come first.

If you've been driving your daughter around, perhaps she thinks getting herself a car is doing you a favor?

heraldgerald Mon 09-Jun-14 16:34:58

I don't appreciate posters being referred to as a pack of bitches and I've reported your post, op.

BackforGood Mon 09-Jun-14 16:45:04

I have to agree with everyone else on here.
We can answer the question you put in the title, and the OP, but then you turned very nasty because people didn't say what you were hoping we'd say.
You are coming across as being very bitter.
FWIW I agree with most that, whereas £25K would be lovely to win, it's not exactly lottery millions, and I think most of us would use that for our own nuclear family rather than on the extended family, however, if our parents asked for £500 for a specific purpose as it would make such a difference to them, then most would probably give it - but you need to ask, not just expect her to hand something over automatically.

DragonMamma Mon 09-Jun-14 16:49:05

Your family setup sounds similar to mine and whist £25k isn't a load I would definitely take my close family away on holiday to repay the freebies I've had over the years.

I do think yabu to expect it though, it woukd be nice if your dd did something or bought you a car but realistically, a £500 car isn't going to be cheap to run. If you are disabled with mobility issues should you not be entitled to a mobility car?

magpiegin Mon 09-Jun-14 16:50:53

I am currently pregnant with my first child and if I won £25k I would invest some for the child's future and probably buy a decent car. At the present time it wouldn't cross my mind to give money to my parents (and even though one parent is struggling I know they would tell me not to be daft and look after my own family if I tried to give them some).

DenzelWashington Mon 09-Jun-14 16:58:17

I am sorry for your troubles OP, though calling posters bitches was unpleasant.

The problem with silent martyrism though, is that it very rarely leads people to give you what you want.

AgaPanthers Mon 09-Jun-14 17:01:08

Woof

wobblyweebles Mon 09-Jun-14 17:03:28

If my parents were struggling then I would absolutely want to help them out. I can't imagine happily keeping the money to myself in that situation.

Swannery Mon 09-Jun-14 17:07:39

I can see where you're coming from. In your place I'd be disappointed if they didn't at least invite the family for a nice celebration meal out. Even better, offer to pay for you to have a nice holiday for once, if you've been poor for ages.
And then make it clear that the rest of the money is accounted for.

Have you been a whining martyr your whole life? That might be why your DD isn't going to be guilt tripped into giving you money, because anything she gives you won't be enough.

Crinkle77 Mon 09-Jun-14 17:51:50

I see where you're coming from OP. £25,000 would mean a lot to me as I don't own my own home and would make a great deposit but I would still give my family a token amount. That said my family is only small and could easily give them say £250 each and there would be plenty left. If you have a large family with lots of nieces/nephews then it becomes more of a problem and where does it stop? What if cousins got wind of your win and they wanted some too and then got miffed if you didn't get them anything. That's where it becomes complicated so maybe your family thought they wouldn't give anyone anything to make it fair.

maninawomansworld Mon 09-Jun-14 18:02:02

(stealth boast alert... sorry)
I have the dubious honour of being the so called 'rich' one in our family and get a lot of agro from expectant relatives / friends who think I should help them out all the time.
Now I'm not driving a Porsche or anything like that but a few years back my parents gave the family farm to me (2000 acres, 12 bed house, several cottages etc which are rented out, a couple of other associated businesses). Yes on paper I'm well off but it's all in assets - not disposable cash I can fritter away at the drop of a hat.

Result is that everyone thinks I'm f*cking loaded and should pay for everything. I'm not pleading poverty or anything but I'm not living the life of riley either. My car is 6 years old, I shop in the local supermarket like everyone else, buy stuff when it's on offer , shop around , same as most people on here I guess.

So why the hell should I be the one expected to contribute more to a joint present or pick up the lions share of the bill when we go out for dinner as group or buy nieces and nephews / friends DC's that I don't even see that often expensive gifts?

The level of expectation is phenomenal - my father always told me this would happen, and now I see why it used to pee him off so much.

Bottom line - if you've got money and don't want to give it away hand over fist, then keep it a bloody secret!
O.P, you are V unreasonable expecting handouts BUT your DD is also unreasonable to tell you about the win and then refuse to share!

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 09-Jun-14 18:03:30

Her nieces, nephews and younger siblings are not her financial responsibility. Neither are you. You chose to have four children, none of them asked to be born and none of them owe you money for raising them.

Buying a car and house deposit is sensible. Surely your rent is paid for you if you don't work and if disabled to the extent of being housebound then DLA will pay for a car.

I would keep any winnings very quiet.

Your DD has shown you what her priorities are, now show her yours. You and your younger DD are your priority. Stop giving your older DD handouts. Do not contribute to the party and tell her why. If you do, you've only got yourself to blame.

Gen35 Mon 09-Jun-14 18:24:57

I would feel that you shouldn't be giving what you can't afford re the event. And go to the CAB/benefits office and see how you could get money for the new car. I personally would see it as a matter of pride not to mention the lack of family help.

Bowlersarm Mon 09-Jun-14 18:29:22

Oh, OP, I feel a bit sad for you.

I think she should have helped her mum out a bit if you are struggling that much. It would have been the generous and kind thing to do.

I wouldn't expect her to give handouts left right and centre to siblings and nephews and nieces though.

Randomeclectic Mon 09-Jun-14 19:43:42

In her shoes I'd put 23k down as a house deposit, spend 1k on nice stuff (holidays) and split 1k between family members.

hamptoncourt Mon 09-Jun-14 20:12:14

I don't understand why you think she should give you her money? If she had a high paying job would you expect her to fund you, or is it just because it is money she has won that you feel entitled to it?

MrsCripps Mon 09-Jun-14 20:16:58

I really feel for you OP sad

What would you have done if your DD hadn't won the money and your car broke down ?
Can you get advice from CAB re: DLA in relation to your disability?

OP I'm sorry this is happening to you. From your initial post I agree your dd shouldn't have to give you money but reading on I'm afraid your family doesn't work the way you think. You have always made such an effort to look after her but she has just become 'entitled' ( as everyone says on here smile) and so doesn't value you - she is just taking everything for granted.

All you can do, as mentioned above, is concentrate on your youngest dd and yourself.

Purplepoodle Mon 09-Jun-14 20:48:02

Have you told her you feel like this? She obviously doesn't realise that this is the way your family do things?

whatever5 Mon 09-Jun-14 21:25:32

If I won £25,000 I wouldn't give any to my family and they wouldn't give me anything in the reverse situation and nor would I expect them to.
It would be different if I won millions but £25,000 isn't a huge, life changing amount.

I agree that it's mean of her not to help you if you are struggling because of illness but I'm not sure why you think she should give anything to her siblings. You keep saying that it is not how your family works but that isn't really for you to decide if your child is an adult. You're not in charge anymore.

watchingthedetectives Mon 09-Jun-14 22:28:26

I think if my mother was disabled and struggling I would share with her - more than just a meal out

I suspect the OP feels disappointed that this seems all one way traffic. Yes her daughter has her 'own family' to think of but surely her Mum comes under that bracket as well. Of course the money is hers to do exactly what she wants with it but I do agree it would be upsetting to not feel at all included in a windfall even in a small way.

My parents have done a lot for me over the years and although I have my own children I wouldn't think twice about sharing with them - especially if they were in difficulties. Neither of my parents had much money when they grew up and when my father did well later in life he shared it with his siblings and in laws and I hope I would do the same.

Famzilla Mon 09-Jun-14 23:06:36

OP you sound just like my mother (although she is not disabled and I've never won any money). The tone is very martyr-ish and self pitying. She was always listing everything she had ever given me and making out like I owed her for being fed/watered/housed. She was always offering to pay for things she "couldn't afford" just so she could throw it back in my face. Kind of like what you appearing to be doing now with the whole cutting your food budget to pay for a party.

If you can't afford something then just say no, don't agree to it so you can pull out the "I've made loads of sacrifices for you" card when things are going well for her.

Also, her nieces and nephews are not her responsibility. If SIL came into any money I would not consider DD (her only DN and favourite person in the world) to have any claim to it.

wafflyversatile Mon 09-Jun-14 23:29:27

I'm quite surprised at the responses.

If I won £25k it wouldn't go far. I'd get the kitchen redone, maybe some other redecorating and put the rest against the mortgage. I'd maybe buy some treats for family or friends that I wouldn't otherwise. It wouldn't be enough to upgrade from flat to house for instance so not life changing. None of my family are struggling for money. But if £1k of that would get a member of my family out of a hole then I wouldn't hesitate. And, most pertinently with regard to this thread, I would also feel upset if I was the family member who was struggling a bit and my sibling flaunted their windfall like this without a thought for me. I agree she is being mean but the hard facts are it is her money and it is up to her. I can't imagine leaving my parents in your situation in these circumstances.

You know where you stand now though.

Gennz Mon 09-Jun-14 23:37:09

If I won 25K I would not spend any of it on parents or siblings. Most of it would go on the mortgage (and would make a very small dent!) and perhaps we'd go on a nice holiday. I wouldn't broadcast it to anyone though.

YABVVVVU

aprilanne Mon 09-Jun-14 23:50:05

this is a hard. one i will be honest .if i won £25000 and my mum was struggling then yes i would have gave her money for car say £5000 .because i now my wonderfull mum god rest her would have gave me it .no questions asked .

watchingthedetectives Tue 10-Jun-14 06:23:42

Reading the responses it seems fairly clear there are two camps - those that would support their mother and those who wouldn't.

The difficulty lies in that the OP clearly thought her daughter would take the same view as her as this is a family that usually shares everything and is disappointed that her daughter is firmly in the other camp.

There is no way round it except live and learn

bubalou Tue 10-Jun-14 07:50:27

I think it's completely unreasonable to expect anything - especially the siblings.

However we are a very close family with 3 siblings myself and if I won that amount then yes I would more than likely give some to my parents who have done a lot for me and don't have a lot of money.

However not their responsibility to give their money to all the family. Where would it end? If they got a bonus, a pay-rise would they be expected to share the wealth too?

whatever5 Tue 10-Jun-14 08:26:51

DH's family used to expect him to give them money as well because he earns quite a good salary and they don't work much or at all. It used to make us feel really used and resentful. I'm sure they would argue that family should share everything as well, but the fact is they were only interested in sharing because they would be the ones to benefit.

We're quite careful now that we're older and wiser to give the impression that we haven't got any spare money, otherwise they would be lining up.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Jun-14 09:19:49

If I won £25'000 I would absolutely give some to my mom and my sister. They both struggle financially and if I had the means to really help them then of course I would.

Only those two though - I wouldn't be giving handouts to all my family grin

SuperFlyHigh Tue 10-Jun-14 09:25:07

When I inherited this sum of money when I was I think 25 (brother got the same), I didn't have own home, invested a lot of it and treated people as and when.

I didn't even tell my half brother and half sisters about it in case they expected a hand out and they got nicer birthday presents (jewellery).

None of anyone else's business, the person getting the money should do what they feel/want with it and it should be in my experience/opinion no way an expectation on them to share it etc.

Amilionmilesaway Tue 10-Jun-14 09:27:31

watchingthedetectives
Reading the responses it seems fairly clear there are two camps - those that would support their mother and those who wouldn't

I'd support MY mother. I don't know if I'd support THIS mother if I was her daughter.

The daughter has done nothing wrong - saved half, bought a car and has �1k left - hardly the life of riley.

Preciousbane Tue 10-Jun-14 09:36:11

The screenshot is horrible.

I must admit that I wouldn't tell a soul about my good fortune.

My Mother has just inherited 30k, it is supposed to be a secret and only 3 of her 6 dc know. My Mother is bloody loaded and has 8k in her current account alone. Is she helping her two daughters that live in terrible circumstances? No. Each set of circumstances is unique but I think my Mother is pretty mean. I'm not one of the daughters in dire straits btw.

I do get why no one is obliged but there is a long history regarding my Mother that is exceptionally complicated.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 10-Jun-14 09:40:29

I think the upshot of this is that families shouldn't expect anything in the way of handouts.

I've been lucky in that in the past both my brother and I have been helped out in various ways financially from my mum (father died ages ago, got stepfather).

A few of these times we've paid my mum back (and had the arrangement that it was a loan not a gift). Sometimes she treats it as a gift. But there's no way we would be expecting money even when she dies.

Swannery Tue 10-Jun-14 09:59:19

I think some of the posts on here are pretty mean. The "It's my duty to put my DCs first at all times" argument can be taken too far. It's used as an excuse to be totally selfish.

N

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