to tell him to feck off? He is still out since Friday, I have been crying all day and at the end of my teather now

(103 Posts)
Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:23:00

My partner has a history of going out with his mates, telling me he would be back by midnight and stumbling in drunk at 5 am or the day after. I woke up this morning and he was not there, he texted me to say he is at his mates and 'needs this'. Well, I certainly do not need this and texted him to tell him not to come back. He stayed at his mates all day and did not try to make amends. I was so exhausted crying and physically hurting, he betrayed my trust again. I called him around 6 pm to ask when he was coming back to get his things, as I wanted to be out then. I was also worried as he did not call or text for several hours by then. He told me what he did was not so bad and I was overreacting and he was not going to apologise again (he texted 'sorry' in the morning. He put the phone down but then texted that he is a twat but he never cheats and would never hurt me. I texted to say he had hurt me and would he want to be with someone who behaved like him, because I would not. He texted 'sorry' again. I texted that I wanted to put the house on the market next week and he said he would have to think about it.

I know this is all jumbled up but I am so upset, we have been together for over three years and it never has come to this, he would come back and apologise. He only goes out every month or so, sometimes more, but last time he came back and told me he was an alcoholic and would stop drinking. That was three weeks ago.

Before you ask, he has lots of redeeming features, he is lovely and helpful and does a lot for me, including helping with raising my 10yo DD. We are both working, in our early 30s. Is this how a 31 yo partner should be? I know he loves me and will apologise, but this has shaken me up and just wanted to ask if you think I should LTB.

dietstartstmoz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:26:17

He is behaving as though he is a single bloke and he doesn't have any one else to consider. He is a knob. He does not care about your feelings and is not treating you with any respect. Yes it's a LTB. thanks

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 21:28:06

This absolutely isn't how a partner should be.

The fact he texted 'he never cheats' rings massive alarm bells- you never asked him that.

There's plenty of easy sex out there on a Friday night and I'd be astounded if that isn't what's actually going on.

I'm not big on LTB but I think that's where this is heading.

Fairylea Sat 07-Jun-14 21:28:48

Absolutely ltb sorry.

Totally behaving like a single man. Nothing wrong with the odd pre arranged night out but being an adult is about being back when you say you will and quite simply not taking the piss.

I'm sorry.

Icelollycraving Sat 07-Jun-14 21:29:11

Wow,slow down,breathe!!
Ok,if he's admitting he's an alcoholic,what is he proposing to do about it?
If he wants to let off steam & have a v late one,then I'd be inclined to go to bed & enjoy the roomy bed for the night. If he is generally a good partner,can you work things out?

I think you need to work out exactly what the issue is. Is it his drinking? The fact he says he'll be back by 12 but stays out? The fact he hasn't apologised to you in a way you think is appropriate?

And why are you having such a fundamental conversation by text? I'd suggest you both give it a day or two then have a proper conversation.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 21:31:18

I would be very worried about the alcoholic thing- do you think he is?
the going out thing would be an issue if we had plans or he left me with the kids. I dont think its unreasonable to stay at a mates once evry 3 weeks but I do think a text to ssy change of plans is the respectful thing to do...I would think it very odd if dh didn't.

I'd say LTB mainly because I wouldn't want my ten year old child putting up with the consequences of his drinking. I'm guessing he's not much use the day after his drinking? It also presumably takes a whack out of your budget?

EverythingCounts Sat 07-Jun-14 21:33:19

He sounds a lot younger than 31. Have you ever talked about why he tells these lies about being back early? Is that the major thing for you or is it the nights out he has with these friends that you don't like?

It sounds like you are lot more serious this time, but he thinks you will come round. How many times has this happened in the past 3 years?

SuperLoveFuzz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:36:01

There are clearly lots of different issues going on here. If he is an alcoholic that's the first thing that needs to be addressed.

Without knowing the dynamics of the rest of your relationship it is really hard to make a judgement call.

One of the things that stands out to me is that you seem to be trying to manipulate him and emotionally blackmail him into coming home. It doesn't sound to me like you want to split up with him, yet you told him not to come back. When this didn't get the response you wanted you then contacted him again to ask when he was going to get his stuff. Again when you didn't get what you wanted (him to come home) you said you wanted to put the house on the market. Could this sort of behaviour be the reason he 'needs' the time out?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm certainly not trying to kick you when you're down, just wanted to be honest.

I'm sorry you're upset at the moment and hope you get the resolution you're looking for.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:36:51

That is it Diets, all his mates are single and he is just someone else when he is around them. Icelolly, I suggested counselling and he initially agreed but did not follow it through. I do not mind him going out, I do too but I come back when I say I would, mostly before midnight. The staying out all night despite promises bit is what hurts me, how can I trust him again?
Thank you for all your responses, it is my first post and it feels great to have your support.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:44:03

He tells lies 'not to disappoint me', as him coming back at 12 is 'what I would want' apparently. He does not drink more than once or twice a week and rarely gets drunk, so my main issue is not keeping his word. I know it sounds like I want him back home, I bloody do deep down so that he can see how much pain he has caused me. But then I can be strong and not actually say 'come home', and leave him.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 21:46:42

Why did he promise not to stay out all night? I'm a 39 yr old mother of 3 snd I stay out wiyh friends occasionally. However, I always let dh know where I am. Do parents have to be home before midnight?

You haven't answered thr alcoholic question.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 21:47:44

OP, do you honestly think he spends the night, all night, with his mates?

If they are single don't you think it's likely that they all cop off and go home with women?

That would bother me far more than the drinking.

SuperLoveFuzz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:48:33

I think I've maybe missed the fundamental issue which is his lying. I do think as an adult he should be able to choose when he goes out and for how long. On the flip side of this, if you choose to be in a partnership then you have to be honest. So if he wants to go out on a 3 day bender regularly, he should tell you this. That would allow you to decide if that suits you or if you want to split up.

As it stands he's lying to keep you sweet then doing as he pleases anyway. So while I do think you've handled it badly and possibly made him want to stay out even longer, it's understandable given he keeps lying to you.

Sorry if I was harsh OP, having some troubles myself at the moment so possibly not thinking too rationally.

Hope you're ok x

80schild Sat 07-Jun-14 21:53:17

Not sure it matters how many times he has done this. I would say once out all night is too much especially considering you have children. He is setting a terrible example of how to behave to his children; I imagine with the ensuing fatigue you are left looking after the children by yourself; and it is disrespectful of you.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:00:44

Defineme once he starts drinking and he is out he is finding it difficult to stop, he might be alcoholic, but then it only affects him once in a while- is this being an alcoholic? His father drinks every day and he did say he was like his dad, but he is not.

If he planned an all night bender and told me, I would just ask him to take a cab. I would not be too happy, but I could live with it, as long as it was not too often. But he never asks, he does not plan on staying out but gets influenced by mates I guess.

I am in two minds about cheating, I believe him but wish he did not put himself in situations where it is likely and his judgement is skewed by alcohol.

thecatwithblueeyes Sat 07-Jun-14 22:03:39

I think you've answered your own question in your post. You clearly dont think this is how a 31 year old man should be, and his behaviour is making you really unhappy. He is not going to change. You don't like him as he is. Therefore I think you should leave as soon as possible, before you end up having kids and it all gets messy (I gather that your daughter is from a previous relationship, not his). You will find someone who has all his good qualities AND who doesn't regularly go out on a 3 day bender. These men exist, believe.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 22:09:33

he does not plan on staying out but gets influenced by mates I guess.

OP- wise up- men in their 30's don't stay out all night cos their mates are there- they stay out because they've met a woman.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:11:12

No worries Super, I can be manipulative I guess but I was just hurting. Lying is the biggie for me. hope you are ok x

My daughter did not realise he was not there this time, and now she is with her dad, but it does worry me that she sometimrs asks about him when he is not there. He is useless the next day snd true, it does not help.

Update: he is now texting me that he misses me, I said he did not sound happy with our relationship when we spoke earlier so maybe best to end it, he gave me the 'so you don't love me any more, then fine' and like one poster suggested, I said I can talk when he wants to, but Zi did not want this conversation to be on text.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:11:27

It's not really relevant if staying out all night is acceptable for me and my dh.
obviously it's unacceptable in yours, you want your dh to change, he ssys he will but lies and does it anyway.
I dont think he'll change, I don't think you'll change, I don't think you're suited to each other.
I have no idea if he's an alcoholic or simply prefers being with his mates instead of what you would like him to do.
so yes ltb because neither of you sound very happy and making threats/ultimatums is no way to carry on.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:18:39

Bearbehind, it does play on my mind as once he was defending a mate who kissed a random girl but was in a relationship at the time. And like someone mentioned - i did not ask if he cheated. He is quite obsessed with me talking to other men etc. I assumed he was insecure but it worries me as I think he might be projecting his own behaviour.

He is 31 and not behaving it, but 99% of the time he is here, he is caring and considerate, and he makes me laugh, we do not argue about other things that is why this is such a difficult decision to make.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:20:18

I think it's really tragic that staying out all night has to mean cheating. I have nevrr been unfaithful in my life. I stay out all night because it's easier to sleep at a friend's, because I don't want to be woken by 3 kids, because I love a dance and chatting into the night. I don't do it all the time, I don't do it without prewarning my dh or if I have committed with the kids. Neither dh or I think it's a big deal looking after our kids for a Saturday or whatever.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 22:25:27

That's the massive difference defineme, you don't do it without pre warning- it sounds very much like this bloke does it because the opportunity of a bit on the side pops up.

Seriously, what other reason does a grown man go AWOL for 24 hours for?

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:30:24

Like I said, I woke up to texts on my phone, sorry for not making this clear enough. He texted throughout the night, first saying he was coming back at 12.30 and then texting from his mates house. He did not exactly go AWOL and I think he was not cheating but who knows? I thought my ex would never look at another woman but boy, was I wrong.

RazzleDazzleEm Sat 07-Jun-14 22:35:32

A good friend once told me, if the man isn't behaving at the beginning of a relationship ( when putting best foot forward), then what the hell is he going to be like a few years in.

Obviously this relationship isnt new...however....the comment is relavant because your not going to change him, its not going to get better.,

your choices are to accept this and expect it and learn to deal and live with it....

or LTB.

Having male family members like this, they leave a trail of misery in their wake and are quite misogynistic too..

I would advise proper relationship counselling.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:39:59

So he did tell you his change of plans? As in first he decided to come home later and then not at all? And you had no plans with him today? And this doesn't happen every weekend.? When specifically was the lying that you're throwing him out for?

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:40:31

Everything - forgot to answer, this happend around 15-20 times in three years. Some months he does not go out, but sometimes would go out twice a month.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:46:50

Defineme, first he txtd he would be late, then I got the 'I am at my mates' text. The lying happens when he tells me he is hoing out and would be back by a certain hour. He said we would do s big cleanup today, so we did have a plan.

If we do last, relationship counselling would be the way forward. Razzle I thought about it, that is why I don't think we should have kids or get married, as it is unlikely he will change then.

Fairylea Sat 07-Jun-14 22:50:58

Have you actually said to him that you don't mind him going out and staying over at a friends as long as he tells you that's what he's doing and doesn't lie about it? Sounds simple but just wondered if he's second guessing because he knows you're unhappy about it.

Anonynony Sat 07-Jun-14 22:56:30

This is exactly why I ended it with my ex, it had happened once too often so he came home to his bags packed and it was the best decision I've ever made!

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:57:11

See in my relationship that's not a lie it's a change of plan that I'm being told about. Which would have been answered with a reminder of our plans for the following day. I would be super pissed off if hr reneged on thrm and would expect a big apology.
I am sorry but if he stays out all the next day it sounds like he doesn't want to come home.
Do you think he would change if he had a baby? Dh and I reined our nights away in for the baby and toddler years as it was unfair on the partner left at home, but ssyou know a 10 year old ddoesn't take as much looking sfter.

Kittymautz Sat 07-Jun-14 22:59:11

I used to have a partner like this. He would go out for "one pint" having arranged to spend the rest of the evening with me, call two hours later, say he was just finishing his current pint and would be home soon, then call 90 mins later telling me he was leaving the pub very soon, he loved me etc, repeat two hours later etc. I tried everything, being understanding, acting not bothered, shouting and crying.

Nothing worked - except if I got too cross or upset he would just not bother calling. Once I actually called round hospitals when he didn't call or come home all night after he stood me up to go drinking with his friends and then just didn't come home. I think he wanted to change and not keep putting me through it, but once he got in the pub with his mates, all self control went out the window.

This was before mobile phones obviously.

I did love him but it was such a relief to get out of the relationship. It made me very insecure for years afterwards.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:59:30

I would be ok with him getting a cab home late/early in the morning, not with staying at his mates! I told him to tell me the truth about when he is going to come back, but he never plans on staying out so late. Maybe because I do not go out so late and he would not be happy if I did, he would be worried that I am chatting to men (I know this sounds weird but those are his words).
Not sure what to think, he is staying over at another mates house and said he would call me tomorrow.

Iflyaway Sat 07-Jun-14 23:06:14

Staying out all night?!

Get yourself checked out at the clinic..

and dump that man

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:06:27

Kitty the last pint/ calls/ on my way thing sounds so familiar. I have just had such a shit day, and this is one step too far for me. I want out,I do not want to go through this again. I always thought we were happy and these were just blips, but it got worse and I am not going to let him hurt me like this.

Defineme, if he does not want to be home I am prepared to hear it, instead he says on text he is happy with me, misses me. I think he might be pissed again.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 23:11:11

I would ltb for the worried chatting to men comment-so disrespectful-i chat to men all the time, some of my friends are men, have no desire to be unfaithful with any of them.
I am sorry but it sounds like this relationship is doomed. He has been out a long time, you have told him to leave.

Charley50 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:14:27

Cocaine? Clubbing? Just partying on? Women aren't the only reason men stay up all night.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:17:47

IFlyaway, will do! And trying to dump, but I still love him.

Defineme at the moment the last thing on my mind is having kids with him, he might change he might not but I do not want to face consequences of him not changing. I think you have a nice setup, you both have an agreement on what is acceptable and what is not. Iget questioned, half jukingly but still, if I spoke to men every time I go out. It would freak him out if I stayed out all night. This won't work if it does not work both ways.

TheWickerWoman Sat 07-Jun-14 23:23:47

My ex used to do this all the time - cocaine binges

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:25:48

Update. I texted him to ask what was stopping him from calling me if he loves me so much. No reply. I called him twice. He did not answer. I am on my own, crying because of this bastard, and he is out partying. This is so shit.

Kittymautz Sat 07-Jun-14 23:25:58

You know when I read your OP, I was immediately back there, 20 years ago, feeling the same horrible emotions. It's such a horrible way to treat someone, he was usually sorry afterwards (when he wasn't in his "this is me, this is how I am, take it or leave it" mood), but over a long period of time (3years in my case) it wears you down and makes you a neurotic, insecure nervous wreck.

I don't believe that there were other women involved in my case, as he was very anti-infidelity, but who knows?

In any case, whether your DP is playing away or not, he is still treating you so badly and making you feel shit. In my experience this kind of behaviour won't change in your relationship and you will be better without him.

AveryJessup Sat 07-Jun-14 23:29:15

31 going on 13, I think... he needs to grow up.

FartyMcGhee Sat 07-Jun-14 23:29:54

Ddo you think he may be using drugs like coke?

Darkesteyes Sat 07-Jun-14 23:44:11

So he wants to stay out all night but would give you a hard time about "chatting to other men" if you did the same.

Sounds abusive to me as well as a MASSIVE hypocrite.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:59:35

Called again and he picked up. Pressed him about drugs, he said he did not, but then after more pressing he said he did cocaine, first time after many many years (crazy uni days I am guessing). I do not know what to believe any more. I am shattered.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 00:06:54

Well Kitti, the take it or leave it mood was well and truly on when we spoke. He has been so good to me, he has not done anything wrong, just letting go and trying to get away from everything. Can't argue with him now, he was tipsy. Of course he loves me, hates to see me hurt and the likes. Still makes me feel like I owe something to him, like I am theunreasonable one. I know it is not true, but just the reality of having to rearrange my whole life, move etc. is really scary. And not having him around will be the tough bit, we are so good together when he is here.

SirChenjin Sun 08-Jun-14 00:09:18

I wonder if he's currently dissecting your relationship with his friends, or on a forum seeking advice, or obsessing so much about you, or even giving you a second thought beyond coming back to get fed and watered at some point?

My thought is - probably not.

This man sounds exhausting. Neither you nor your DD need this waste of space in your life. Pack his bags, leave them outside, block his mobile number, change the locks, move forward. Don't waste your life on someone who has such little respect or feelings for you.

SoleSource Sun 08-Jun-14 00:24:12

Time to get this man out of your life. It will get worse, line has been crossed now. No more!!!

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 00:41:19

Thank you all, this thread has helped me survive this evening.

Bogeyface Sun 08-Jun-14 01:18:06

I am with bearbehind on this. He says he never cheats, but you never said he did!

Sounds like he goes out with his single mates and he acts like them, so he goes home when he wants, stays out when he wants, does what he wants and there is a fair chance that includes "staying over at a mates house" iykwim..........

Bogeyface Sun 08-Jun-14 01:18:17

I meant to add

LTB

Bogeyface Sun 08-Jun-14 01:19:22

Oh and he doesnt have to think about selling the house. If you split up and you are joint mortgagees than you are will within your rights to force a sale. Just make sure you have all the paperwork in your possession regarding who paid what so you get back what you paid in.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 01:35:42

Thanks bogeyface, even though Idon't think he did cheat, I can never be sure, I was not there. Will get an estate agent in next week. I so wanted this relationship to work, I can honestly say it was the first time I felt so happy with someone and I know he is happy with me, that is why I did not mind ocassional blips at first. But he made me so miserable today, I hardly recognise myself. Will try to fall asleep now.

Monty27 Sun 08-Jun-14 01:58:53

How can you love a twat like that, you can't love yourself much.

He doesn't seem very sorry either or he'd get his very sorry arse home and hasn't.

Change the locks.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 08-Jun-14 02:15:39

OP As someone who enjoyed going out with friends (some of whom were also parents) on an occasional bender when I was supposed to be a responsible 31 year old mother I can sympathise with your man . I don't think it's another woman, I can completely understand the we're having a good time, don't stop now vibe. I very much doubt he is cheating.

However a 3 day bender is a serious problem.

Monty27 Sun 08-Jun-14 02:19:11

confused

Ph was your dp at home in tears? I doubt it.

wafflyversatile Sun 08-Jun-14 02:29:26

If you want to split up with your boyfriend split with your boyfriend. It's really that simple.

You don't need our permission or agreement that he is in the wrong. You don't need him to be an alcoholic. You don't need his agreement.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 08-Jun-14 02:30:05

You misunderstand me. I don't think there is anything wrong in either partner having the odd rolling home at sunrise moment. But staying out more than 1 night to me sounds like he is an alcoholic not a cheater. I'd obviously prefer neither but alcoholic is worse.

It might be coke, he's on, I don't know, either way I'd want no part.

BTW , If this house is jointly owned I'm afraid the change the locks and put his bags on the street option is poor advice. He might be an objectionable idiot but OP has not suggested he is violent, it's his house too and staying away from home, even for several days is, whether OP likes it or not, his choice

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Sun 08-Jun-14 05:09:05

OP, I hope you've managed some kip X

I would tolerate something like this only once or twice but no more. Do yourself a favour and get rid. There are better men out there than this one.

It doesn't matter what is or isn't acceptable in other people's relationships - you're not happy and he doesn't care.

SirChenjin Sun 08-Jun-14 09:23:24

Yes - it is his choice. It's also her choice as to whether or not she throws him out or lets him back in, given his utter lack of respect, feeling and consideration for her.

Hissy Sun 08-Jun-14 09:35:15

I don't get why you are getting yourself so upset that your crying all day and not sleeping.

No man is worth that. He's got some kind of issue with drink, he's done coke, and lied. Atm he's out awol. So just let him.

Stop agonising over what he is or isn't doing. It won't make any difference to him if you have a sleepless weekend, and he certainly doesn't care about the effects of his decisions.

If you can put up with this kind of shit, showing your 10yo what men are like so that she ends up with worse, then that's your decision.

You can't make him behave in any way at all. That's his choice.

It's your choice to choose to prioritise yourself and your dd over a man that's as disrespectful and idiotic as this.

Hope you can turn this around and stop basing your mood on the actions of a manchild. Detach and grow, leave him behind.

It'll be the best decision you've made in a while. You can do this.

TroyMcClure Sun 08-Jun-14 09:38:03

are you sure its DRINK and not drugs?

TroyMcClure Sun 08-Jun-14 09:38:23

oh sorry - missed the middle bit

YouTheCat Sun 08-Jun-14 09:48:56

So he's said this is the first time he's done cocaine since uni? Yeah right. He's lying there too.

OP you'll be well rid and not end up worrying about when this bloke will be back for the rest of your life if you chuck him out now. He's not worth it. He doesn't respect you and he lies.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 10:00:35

Managed eight hours of sleep solid and feeling much netter now after reading your responses. True, I do not need anyone to give me permission to leave, but I do not share his behaviour with anyone in RL. A lot of people I am friends with know him through work, so I will not be sharing details of why we split up with them, I would not like him to if the situation was reversed. That is why I needed some support and someone to tell me IANBU, as I know some friends will think IABU as their opinion of him is that he is 'such a lovely man'. It is uplifting hearing your stories and opinions, makes me feel like I can do this and should do for myself and my daughter.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 10:01:22

Apologies for typos, typing on my phone.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 10:08:40

Hissy I know I should not be crying, I guess this is the price to pay when you let yourself trust someone and care about someone deeply. We have been together through a lot and I always felt like he is my rock, to have that removed from your life overnight hurts like hell.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 08-Jun-14 10:09:56

sirchenjin it's her choice to end the relationship and force a sale of the house. It's not her choice to throw him out of a house they own jointly.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 08-Jun-14 10:11:37

OP, he doesn't sound like a rock from the way you described him.

Kittymautz Sun 08-Jun-14 10:28:10

Glad you managed a good night's sleep. Things always feel so much worse late at night. I hope you feel a bit stronger this morning.

It's not just about what he might or might not be up to when he's out on his bender. It's the total disrespect of you and your feelings. I bet he doesn't treat his friends with such disrespect. You deserve better than him.

VSeth Sun 08-Jun-14 10:28:39

No point trying to reason with someone who has been drinking (and doing coke?)

Ask yourself why you are so angry and what effect his behaviour is having on you. Is it money he is spending? Is it the drink? Had he made plans with you? You say he goes out once a month?

Does your DD really need to see you in melt down about him going out? I say have a chat in a couple of days.

Applelicious Sun 08-Jun-14 10:32:26

OP, stay strong. You and your DD are worth much more.

VSeth Sun 08-Jun-14 10:32:54

Just read the full thread. It was glaringly obvious that he was doing coke.

Hope you are ok OP. Have a nice day with your DD? She doesn't deserve the hysterics

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 08-Jun-14 11:13:25

I had one of these. He would call from work and say he would be home in an hour. Then 3 hours later, another call-in the pub with mates. (He did have a coterie of hard drinking pals, and I think he really was out drinking.) I would then get a text at around 11 saying he was on his way home... But then, often, the phone would be switched off, and he would roll in with the sunrise.
I later found out he had been cheating on me with the same woman for 2 years. 2 YEARS.
Oh, and he was very jealous towards me, and made me feel like I was crazy and paranoid.
Get rid OP, I doubt you know the half of it.

Topaz25 Sun 08-Jun-14 11:29:27

I understand you are upset but I think you are sending out mixed messages here. You just dumped him by text message but seem really confused as to why he doesn't want to come home or discuss it. If I received messages like that I would think the relationship was over and I wasn't welcome. His behaviour is unacceptable but I would advise not making drastic decisions like ending the relationship or putting the house on the market in the heat of the moment. Except in cases of abuse, I don't think it is appropriate to end a 3 year relationship by text.

Topaz25 Sun 08-Jun-14 11:31:01

Oh and you are asking if you should LTB but your OP reads like you have already left him, telling him not to come back, telling him to arrange to collect his stuff and telling him you want to put the house on the market.

Hissy Sun 08-Jun-14 12:09:32

Atm he's playing you like a piano. Stop it!

Stop texting him, stop hanging on his every word and action. Be strong. You deserve better than this.

Go out. Do something today, something you will enjoy. Don't sit there waiting for him.

Sending him it's over, come get your stuff and i'm getting the estate agents in is just panicking and it's obvious to him that it doesn't mean a thing.

In circumstances like these, silence is the strongest negotiation tactic you have.

When he comes back, please end it, properly, and for good.

Look at what he's reduced you to and promise yourself that you'll never allow this again.

" I know some friends will think IABU as their opinion of him is that he is 'such a lovely man'."
Well, there's something else that you need to attend to. You need to be truthful about your life with him; lying, alcoholism, jealousy/hypocrisy, coke, probable cheating. Sing 'nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors' if that's easier. But make it clear to your friends that their view of him is limited and that there is good reason behind this breakup. Otherwise you may feel pressured to restart your relationship, which frankly would be a mistake sad.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 18:44:05

Thanks for being here for me, I came to some conclusions thanks to you all. I cannot make him move out, but I am calling the shots from now on. I spent the whole day doing the clearout we planned and I have this great feeling that I am in control of the situation. In the afternoon he came back and wanted to talk, I said I need a couple of days to think things through and make some decisions. I am going to leave him hanging for a couple of days, just like he did to me. Meanwhile I am going to see some friends, take my mind of it all and get some perspective. I am most likely leaving him, just want a clear head for that discusdion. Luckily my daughter is with her dad until tomorrow, so I am going to see a friend now to talk this through.

wellthatsdoneit Mon 09-Jun-14 09:14:55

Hope you are ok OP. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him. This is a repeated pattern of behaviour. More than anything it would be the persistent lying that would mean the end of it for me.

SuperLoveFuzz Tue 10-Jun-14 22:49:20

Hi OP, how are things today?

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 14-Jun-14 09:29:04

Just to update you all. I spoke to my friend, who asked me if I thought I was controlling, she said I have a good man (suprise suprise) and we all have our faults. I have decided to let it go and had a long conversation with my partner. He told me he was scared to tell me he wants to be out till late in case I get mad. I told him I just want him home when he comes back, so I'd rather he took a cab if he is out late.
Yesterday he went out and told me he was not going to stay too late. I did not even ask for time! He told me he is taking a cab home. Guess what? He is still not home. He walked to his friends home, txtd me that he is staying there and can video call me if I don't believe they are on their own.
I am repulsed by his lack of respect to me. Is counselling even worth considering?

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 14-Jun-14 09:36:26

I don't think anyone here can answer that for you. You're clearly very unhappy.

He sounds extremely selfish and I say that from the perspective of usually being quite harsh on women who make a song and dance about their blokes having nights out. Yours is beyond pushing his luck.

magoria Sat 14-Jun-14 09:37:55

Why do you want a relationship with an alcoholic drug user?

The only person he is ever going to put first is himself and his desire to party, get drunk and high.

While you sit at home alone wondering if tonight is the night the dink or drugs will kill him.

Your 10 year old DD is seeing this is how relationships are. Woman sits at home alone, man fucks off partying and wasting ££ weekend. Your P may have a few redeeming features. What if her choice modelled on yours doesn't?

RandomMess Sat 14-Jun-14 09:42:25

Well have answer, you aren't being controlling he is a cocklodger. Time to split.

glasgowstevenagain Sat 14-Jun-14 09:45:17

You gave him a final chance to prove himself. He did not.

He does not respect you. He does not change.

You need to tell him to move out. He has no need to be in your life. No child etc.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 14-Jun-14 09:45:38

He isn't shagging your mate by any chance is he. That's a very strange thing for her to ask you.

campingfilth Sat 14-Jun-14 09:51:40

Thank god I don't have friends like yours. Seriously get rid

Bogeyface Sat 14-Jun-14 09:53:40

He hasnt tried at all has he?

He made excuses about why he had been so selfish in the past, promised not to do it last night and as soon as he left the house....bingo.

I am afraid that I suspect an OW too, why would he offer to video call to prove it was just them when you hadnt suggested it wasnt? He seems to be anticipating what you might say and trying to forestall you.

Get rid.

magoria Sat 14-Jun-14 09:56:38

The video is weird. All anyone else has to do is not be in that room for 30 seconds. It proves nothing. He must think he is amazingly clever to suggest it.

Bogeyface Sat 14-Jun-14 09:57:22

And I wonder if he suggested it because he knew your reaction would be a No.

Famzilla Sat 14-Jun-14 09:57:46

I think you need to tell your friends the truth. You're not hiding it from them to protect him, you're hiding it from them because you plan on staying with him whatever he does and don't want a RL chorus of LTB's.

I'm sorry OP but this is not going to stop. I know 30, 40, even 50 year olds that go on coke binges every weekend. My uncle died from a heart attack at 42 from a coke binge, did the people he was doing it with never do it again? Did they fuck, 2 heart attacks in that group & counting.

You have 2 choices, accept this behaviour or leave.

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 14-Jun-14 10:14:17

I agree with the posters who say this is a terrible example of a relationship to put before your daughter.

APiratesMummy Sat 14-Jun-14 10:44:00

This could have been me 7 years ago. My ex would go out, there would be promises of coming home at a certain time then he'd be gone for the rest of the weekend. I thought he'd change, it'd stop for a few weeks then he'd do it again.

He seriously did not give a shit about my feelings and I bizarrely tried to keep the relationship going (I say bizarrely now but at the time it seemed like the most reasonable thing in the world).

Dumping his ass was the best decision I ever made.

APiratesMummy Sat 14-Jun-14 10:46:55

Oh, and it turned out he was not spending these impromptu sleepovers at his mates' as he led me to believe....quelle surprise...

clam Sat 14-Jun-14 11:00:42

Well, there's obviously something that's luring him out with his mates that's more appealing than his feelings for you.
Whether that's alcohol, cocaine, other women or what, it doesn't matter. What's clear is where you and your feelings feature in his priorities.

YouTheCat Sat 14-Jun-14 11:38:57

He really is not going to change. Not for you. Not for anyone.

Put his stuff in black bags and leave it in the garden.

Neverknowingly Sat 14-Jun-14 12:13:50

Your DP sounds like a twat and your friend sounds like a twat.

Do you have any positive adult relationships in RL because it sounds like you really need some.

"I am repulsed by his lack of respect to me. Is counselling even worth considering?"
You are right to be repulsed, and no, counselling isn't going to be worth a damn here. That only has a place when those being counselled WANT to change but don't know how to. He really doesn't want to change sad.

Now would be the time to take your focus off him and to place it on you and your daughter. Those saying that this is not modelling good relationships are absolutely correct. What do you want for her? This?

Oh, and your frenemy friend, who asked you if you thought you were controlling - she's a twat. Or maybe her relationship is so shit yours looks good in comparison. Either way, her opinion (that you "have a good man" ) is wrong, and her advice, that persuaded you to "let it go", should be ignored.

Rebecca2014 Sat 14-Jun-14 16:52:18

How do you know he isn't cheating? he goes out and doesn't bother coming home or answering your calls. He is showing what is important and it most certainly is not you, I hope you don't have any children by him!

HolidayArmadillo Sat 14-Jun-14 17:00:35

Oh god get rid. There is nothing more self obsessed than a coke user, I do have experience of this. He will never change, not whilst he can come back to you, act contrite and you will roll over and let him back. You're setting yourself up for years of heartache. There is an outside chance that being firm now may in the long term lead to him being the man you hoped he was but whilst he's still having his cake and eating it? No chance.

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