To think there is no need to comment like this on Facebook?

(77 Posts)
LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 17:50:11

I am good and close friends with two women - friend A and friend B. They are good friends too through me but they aren't close if that makes sense.

Me and friend A socialise a lot with our partners as we all get one really we'll with each other. Friend A asked us out for dinner last Friday and tagged us in the restaurant. Friend B commented saying where was her invite.. She tried to make it sound jokey but I think it was rather passive aggressive.

She has been a little off with me since. Aibu to think that when you go out you don't always have to include every single person (except if you are purposely excluding someone which is not the case here)

Also if she did have an issue aibu to think she could have spoken to me privately and fb is not the place?

plantsitter Sat 07-Jun-14 17:54:09

She felt excluded. She sort of was, wasn't she? I've been in her position and actually it really hurts.

I never said anything but I certainly cooled the friendships - didn't want to appear like the desperate one who did more liking than being liked.

Perhaps Fb is not the place but at least she did mention it.

weeblueberry Sat 07-Jun-14 18:15:26

Do you normally do things the three of you? She probably thought speaking to you privately would be making it into too big a deal but just meant it as an off hand comment.

usualsuspectt Sat 07-Jun-14 18:17:03

She was probably joking.

thebodylovesspring Sat 07-Jun-14 18:20:05

I do that lots and then worry I might get asked next time when I roof rather rip my arm off.

If you don't normally all go out together she was just joking.

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Jun-14 19:42:03

Do grown adults really need to report to facebook that they're in a restaurant together?

BumCrapulence Sat 07-Jun-14 19:47:19

If friend B has an ounce of self respect she wouldn't have meant it in a passive aggressive tone. I bet she was just joking and you're getting pissy about it for no reason.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 07-Jun-14 19:47:49

"Do grown adults really need to report to facebook that they're in a restaurant together?"

^^ this

CanaryYellow Sat 07-Jun-14 19:52:42

Ah, well you see threads on here all the time from Friend B's position, being excluded from a night out where the others are tagging themselves all over Facebook and they're feeling hurt, upset, left out.

A lot of the advice given is to jokey comment on the FB thing and/or cool the friendship.

No, you don't have to invite everyone all the time.

Nor, if the 3 of you are particularly good friends, do you need to rub in Friend B's face the fact that they've been excluded from a night out by tagging yourselves together all over Facebook.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 19:55:02

People tag themselves in places all the time - if it was an unused feature facebook would have removed it. I didn't tag myself, my friend did.

How is that relevant to the op? It's not. It's just a way of being snide and putting someone down to make yourself feel superior.

Yama Sat 07-Jun-14 19:55:55

Either she's joking or she's hurt. Either way she is NBU.

Guess that means YABU.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 19:57:42

Nor, if the 3 of you are particularly good friends, do you need to rub in Friend B's face the fact that they've been excluded from a night out by tagging yourselves together all over Facebook

They are only friends through myself and I believe they have hung out together once or twice without me. Friend A asked me and dp out for dinner, I don't feel she needed to extend the invite to friend B too.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 07-Jun-14 20:01:21

I don't think yabu actually. If there had been several couples there then I could see her point or if you usually only all go out together but people are allowed to see people individually not everything had to be a group get together

SunnyRandall Sat 07-Jun-14 20:03:57

I don't think any

Dutch1e Sat 07-Jun-14 20:05:41

YANBU

I have introduced people to each other who then go on to make plans gasp without me. Personally I think it's lovely when people are having a great time.

SunnyRandall Sat 07-Jun-14 20:06:05

.. of you are unreasonable. You can not invite her. You can be tagged on fb. Totally reasonable. But she is nbu to comment on fb or be miffed at not being included.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 07-Jun-14 20:06:46

YANBU, not at all. You can go out with others without having a pass-agg dig from friend B. It's ridiculous, childish, and designed to make you feel crap.

YANBU at ALL. This is actually one of my greatest friendship annoyances. I hate the expectation that if you have friends who know each other, everybody must be invited to everything. Sometimes it's nice to have everyone together but sometimes it's hard work and you find yourself managing everyone and making sure that you don't get too carried away with one conversation leaving out another etc.

I've had the 'passive aggressive like' plenty of times if I've mentioned or been tagged in a status that involved doing something with just one friend. It's exhausting and teenage. It's fine to sometimes not want to invite everyone.

IwinIwin Sat 07-Jun-14 20:13:36

I don't think you needed to ask friend B out tbh, unless all three of you were very close friends then she has no reason to feel left out when others make their own plans- I'm sure she makes her own. My best friend would never not invite me out somewhere unless it was a double date or something of the like, and I'd never get upset at her seeing another friend for a double. We've both done it.

However, I have a friend who, when hearing that the two of us have gone out for a coffee, dinner or a drink, gets all passive aggressive and moans that she hasn't been invited. Blatantly jealous, she sees herself as a 'focal point' and when any one of her friends dares to go out without her she gets humpy.

Your friend could have been joking, the comfortableness could be of your own making in you mind. Equally though she could be being immature and humpy. Best thing to do- call her.

You do not have to invite everyone in a group of friends when going out- especially when it's two people who aren't all that close. You just should never exclude one friend when inviting all others.

When OP's are advised to leave a FB comment on here, it's usually a group of female friends that have made plans but excluded the OP.

That would justify a PA response on FB, couples meeting up don't, because one person out of a group isn't being left out.

You shouldn't have to alter your FB usage, for an adult friendship.

Ronmione Sat 07-Jun-14 20:18:52

She must have felt excluded, and she was, and whilst not everyone has to be invited everytime you go out , it still hurts when your not

LucieLucie Sat 07-Jun-14 20:27:59

My thoughts on this are that you are all being a bit U and childish.

At the end of the day it would have been nice and thoughtful of you all to think of friend B and include her in the meal invite. It's nice to be nice rather than having the attitude of 'why should I invite her too'.

Your friend was BU by tagging you on FB and you blaming it on her when really we could avoid being tagged without checking our consent first via privacy settings.

The uninvited friend was BU To bite at the FB check in but she has made her point.

brokenhearted55a Sat 07-Jun-14 20:30:28

people tag themselves in places all the time - if it was an unused feature facebook would have removed it. I didn't tag myself, my friend did.

I know you didnt do it. It was a comment about your friend reporting to facebook that shes eating dinner.

If it hadnt been put on Facebook this wouldnt be happening. ...hence does everything need reporting

Its all a bit childish. Just because the three of you happen to be friends doesnt mean you can go out with just one.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 20:35:48

At the end of the day it would have been nice and thoughtful of you all to think of friend B and include her in the meal invite. It's nice to be nice rather than having the attitude of 'why should I invite her too'.

I don't have that attitude at all and have done (and still do) go out with just B. Every time you go out do you invite every single one of your friends to be nice and thoughtful? - that's a serious question.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 07-Jun-14 20:36:35

If my friends check into somewhere on FB, I hope they're having a good time. I may ask if the food/band/exhibit are worth checking out. It's only childish if it's used against someone for having gone in the first place.
If FB is used properly, with only actual friends on it, then it's no different to telling people in person what you got up to at the weekend.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 20:38:14

Your friend was BU by tagging you on FB and you blaming it on her when really we could avoid being tagged without checking our consent first via privacy settings

How have I "blamed" A? confused all I said was that she tagged me on fb.

Why would I avoid being tagged? confused it doesn't bother me.

LucieLucie Sat 07-Jun-14 21:14:46

Well if you hadn't have been tagged none of this would have happened.

You sound immature.

And yes I do always consider everyone when there is a social event or a meal because that's what friends do...be considerate of each other's feelings.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 07-Jun-14 21:20:32

"Either she's joking or she's hurt. Either way she is NBU. Guess that means YABU."

^^ and this

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 07-Jun-14 21:22:41

She was being needy and got the hump thereafter. My friends don't do everything with me and other friends as a group nor vice versa. She needs to grow up.

MrsMeeple Sat 07-Jun-14 21:39:28

I've been friend B. i ran into two friends I know, who are much closer to each other than they are to me, with husbands and children, in the park right outside my house. I joked about ”not inviting me", really not meaning it! Then realised that it might have just come across as needy. blush Still squirm a bit about it, and wonder if they've avoided that park ever since. So she may well have just been joking!

gobbynorthernbird Sat 07-Jun-14 21:43:35

Really, Lucie? You either only have a small number of friends, or you're a people-pleaser in that case. And, having had a 'friend B' myself, the same pass-agg response happens if they find out on FB or over a coffee in advance.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 21:44:51

And yes I do always consider everyone when there is a social event or a meal because that's what friends do...be considerate of each other's feelings.

So every single time you meet for coffee, go to the cinema, go out for dinner you invite every single one of your friends?

You never go out with just one friend or one couple?

And if you are invited out by someone you again feel the need to invite everyone?

Guess I am extremely inconsiderate to not invite 20+ people each time I go to Starbucks.

emms1981 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:48:29

One of the reasons I got rid of Failbook was because I got fed up of seeing what family event my dh and my family had been left out of this week, my son was once asked to a family BBQ, my husband and I were not! I really don't get why people have to live their lives through it

U2TheEdge Sat 07-Jun-14 21:50:54

She sounds immature? what the fuck.

Millions of people check in on FB. It is part of what FB is for.

If I am going out with another couple I would never even think of inviting another friend. No one should have to invite every single friend out on every occasion. How bizarre that anyone would think friend B should have been invited.

Now, if you had invited a load of friends and left her out she would have a point. I often go out with one friend and invite no one else. Isn't that what people do? or do everyone here saying the OP is being unreasonable only have get togethers with every single friend they have?

Friend B may not have been PA, she might have just meant it is a friendly joke; no one else knows her enough to say. Is she the type of person who makes PA digs?

You have done nothing wrong OP and you don't sound immature because you use FB for what it is intended for.

wafflyversatile Sat 07-Jun-14 21:52:51

YANBU

I don't expect to have to invite all of my friends to everything and nor do I expect them to invite me to everything. It's ok to go out all together, go out with A only, go out with B only etc.

I'm quite surprised at the direction this thread is going. Another day I suspect you would get almost the opposite majority opinion.

DuckandCat Sat 07-Jun-14 21:53:24

If it was me I'd just reply 'We'll have to arrange a night out for all of us soon' or some such.

She's either joking or felt a bit sad and left out, not a crime in my book. Neither of you are BU.

Must say, I am jealous that you have so many people who want to spend time with you! Take it as a compliment.

U2TheEdge Sat 07-Jun-14 21:56:21

I can't imagine my friend inviting me out for meal with our husbands and then another friend expecting an invite.

If they did I might re-consider the friendship. That sounds way to needy. You should be able to have a night out with another couple without another friend feeling put out... that is if she actually did feel put out of course.

U2TheEdge Sat 07-Jun-14 21:56:50

I meant I would re-consider the friendship if it was an ongoing thing, not just a one off.

SuperLoveFuzz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:56:52

I haven't read the full thread. I don't think YABU at all. I don't ever feel the need to 'check in' if I'm out for dinner, on a night out etc. but sometimes my friends will do it and tag me. If another friend then commented as yours has I would find it awkward. Even if she is joking, it's not funny, so there was no need for it. There is usually some truth to 'jokes' like this too, so she probably does feel put out.

DuckandCat Sat 07-Jun-14 22:02:40

If two people I considered to be quite good friends had a 'couples night out' without me, I would feel a little left out! I don't think I'm needy, nor would I ever dream of saying anything, but I would get that little pang of sadness.

I think it's normal.

She is brave to actually say it though, but why not?

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 22:02:41

Now, if you had invited a load of friends and left her out she would have a point.

Definitely.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 07-Jun-14 22:03:53

I wouldn't be bothered if one friend went out with another without me but I might feel they were rubbing it in my face by 'checking in' on FB.

LogicalPreference Sat 07-Jun-14 22:06:13

If two people I considered to be quite good friends had a 'couples night out' without me, I would feel a little left out! I don't think I'm needy, nor would I ever dream of saying anything, but I would get that little pang of sadness.

But why? A and B are not close friends, they have probably hung out just the two of them a handful of times if that. They only know each other through me.

She is brave to actually say it though, but why not?

I wouldn't consider it brave. If she was genuinely hurt the brave option would be say flat out that "I'm hurt" to my face or over the phone.

balenciaga Sat 07-Jun-14 22:08:26

She should have said something privately

She's made her self look silly and needy (although that's her problem not yours of course)

TheLastThneed Sat 07-Jun-14 22:09:02

I was friend B. It started off with the other two not inviting me all of the time, to me being invited none of the time. sad

I tried inviting them out, but my invitations were ignored.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 07-Jun-14 22:10:57

There is no suggestion that friend B is being excluded from anything other than this one dinner.

wafflyversatile Sat 07-Jun-14 22:10:58

I think it's braver to feel a bit put out (I possibly would have a twinge) but accept that just because you are friends with both that they don't have to include you in everything. Or as the OP says actually talk to them about how you feel instead of being petulant in front of loads of people on fb.

wafflyversatile Sat 07-Jun-14 22:12:35

I was friend B. It started off with the other two not inviting me all of the time, to me being invited none of the time.

I tried inviting them out, but my invitations were ignored.

Do you think the outcome would have been different if you'd posted 'where's my invite' on an fb status?

DinoSnores Sat 07-Jun-14 22:13:57

I certainly don't invite all of my friends whenever I go out for coffee/dinner etc with another friend. It is hardly that you were having a big party but excluding the other people. It is bizarre to see how insecure some people are here about the idea of doing something once without inviting them!

DuckandCat Sat 07-Jun-14 22:19:55

Yes she could have said it to your face, but people aren't perfect. Sometimes they say cringey crap and make themselves look a bit silly, especially if they feel (wrongly or rightly) hurt.

If she's normally nice and normal I'd write it off as 'not her finest moment'.

IwinIwin Sat 07-Jun-14 22:26:53

TheLastThneed, how is that like the OPs friend B? If, as with the OP, the other friends were extremely close and you were only good friends with one of them then yeah, you would be friend B and you wouldn't have been issued an invite on this occassion. But then if that was the case then, just like friend B here, you shouldn't be expecting them to always invite you and never have time together alone.

Do you mean that you were the friend that tied friend A and B together, who got shafted when they decided to get closer without you? In which case OP here is the one who tied A and B together, they aren't actually friends from the sounds of things. Not good friends anyhow, just a bit more than acquaintances.

Did you ever resolve it TheLastThneed? Or did they ditch you completely?

OP, just speak to friend B. If she's being PA then she sounds clingy and I'd wonder why she was trying to be included in everything that isn't really applicable to her. If she was joking then perhaps you need to ask why you think she's being PA? Do you not include her a lot and feel you should? Or does she sulk when she doesn't get what she wants? None of us know friend B, plenty of people -myself included- have been excluded and cut out. None of us know you either. Many people will empathise with friend B because they'll remember when they were left out, even if the situation was very different. Many will empathise with you, who have had clingy or PA friends. Hence why some will say YABU and some YANBU- most people have been on one and sometimes both sides and so will reply and put across their own feelings at being excluded or clung too.

Going on purely what you've put here, YADNBU. Whether this is a reoccurring trend, whether B feels left out, whether B is a cling-on...no one knows. Call her and see, she may have a different perspective that makes you think, she may laugh and say 'fuck, didn't mean it like that' or she might act passive aggressive.

Update and tell us?

TucsonGirl Sat 07-Jun-14 23:21:26

Stop using facebook. It contributes nothing good to anyone's life.

TheLastThneed Sun 08-Jun-14 06:56:12

Iwiniwin, we were all good friends so not really the same.

The situation hasnt really been resolved. I still see one of them, very occasionally, but I know I cant force people to like me so the other friendship has run its course.

oohdaddypig Sun 08-Jun-14 07:17:22

That's why I dislike FB.

No, you should be able to meet for dinner separately. But friend B was hurt, and I would be too.

Why do grown adults need to post what they are up to and 'tag'. My guess is that they do it to say "look at how fabulous my life is' also in the knowledge that this means others aren't invited.

So no one can be surprised when another friend is hurt.

You all sound childish - sorry!

It sounds like a joke to me. Why would you think she was being PA?

Tangerinefairy Sun 08-Jun-14 07:23:58

Maybe she was having a bit of a sensitive day. I've been hurt a few times in the last month by things friends have done and all my friends are lovely people and would never mean to do so. No doubt I've said and done small things that have hurt them too. Some days you don't even notice stuff and other days if you are feeling sensitive things can get to you. If you are good friends usually I'm sure it will blow over.

LoveBeingInTheSun Sun 08-Jun-14 07:28:50

I think it sounds like a joke tbh

Tangerinefairy Sun 08-Jun-14 07:30:02

For the most part I have loads of fun on fbook. I totally get that it can be divisive but it is a fantastic way to keep in touch with far away friends and family. I used to live in America when I was younger and fbook has allowed me to keep in touch with all my American friends, as a result they come and visit me and vice versa. It's lovely!

Randomeclectic Sun 08-Jun-14 08:02:42

She's entitled to comment on FB just as you are entitled to post on it. If you didn't want to run her nose in it, you shouldn't have posted your details on FB

princessconsuelobananahammock Sun 08-Jun-14 08:09:04

Got to admit to sometimes feeling a bit sad (not quite the right word for the emotion but can't express it better!) if I see this sort of stuff on FB but I v quickly check myself! It's fine to do things separately with different people. I do it too so it is unreasonable of me to sometimes feel a bit left out!! Irrational I know!

princessconsuelobananahammock Sun 08-Jun-14 08:10:16

So in summary...you were fine, she might have initially felt a bit miffed but was probs v quickly over it!!

TroyMcClure Sun 08-Jun-14 08:11:12

Or. Are you the eternal arranger and he other woman a leech?

calmet Sun 08-Jun-14 08:17:26

Part of growing up is learning that friends do things in different combinations of people, and that you don't always have to be invited to everything. Yes it may still hurt you, but that is your issue.

heraldgerald Sun 08-Jun-14 09:10:29

Facebook sucks. Go on, admit it.

Ilovexmastime Sun 08-Jun-14 09:31:48

Yanbu. Either it was a joke, in which case it's obviously not funny and should have been accompanied by a winky face to make it clear it was a joke, or she's genuinely upset that she wasn't invited, in which case she is not emotionally mature enough to handle being on Facebook.

Are people really suggesting that the op should have invited her? Then we'd have had friend A on here: Am I Being Unreasonable to think this is rude? invited friend a out for dinner, was really looking forward to a good catch up with her and her dh but now she's invited friend b too... should I say anything?
I'm sure there would be a whole thread of people telling the op that friend a had been rude.

MyLatest Sun 08-Jun-14 09:35:52

I think Facebook is a really weird, in your face way of making a private invitation to one other couple. I can see why your other friend felt excluded even if she didn't have the right to an invitation. Just send a text next time or a PM and no one else will even know.

Sicaq Sun 08-Jun-14 09:47:58

I think it is more childish to think that you have to have ALL your friends around you at every single social event. Adult social circles are more dynamic than that. YANBU. And personally as friend B I wouldn't have wanted to be the extra person at a table of couples ... always awkward.

And enough with the "stop using Facebook, then" comments! The OP was not "AIBU to use Facebook?"

gobbynorthernbird Sun 08-Jun-14 10:00:50

All the PP who don't like facebook, you do realise that if friend B is upset, she'd be upset however she found out? Should OP and friend A never mention that they've been out for dinner, or keep plans secret? Because that would be bitchy, sneaky, and deliberately excluding B.

musicalendorphins2 Sun 08-Jun-14 10:51:40

There is nothing wrong with A inviting you out, nor with what B posted. People do post comments like that all the time, especially if you went to a place they like. I saw my son was out with friends for dinner, one of the friends mom said/posted (jokingly) something similar to what your friend posted, and I almost did as well, but felt they could take it seriously... when I only meant it in an "I love that place too way".

IwinIwin Sun 08-Jun-14 11:11:14

TheLastThneed , sounds like you are better off without to be honest. I know how much it hurts to be ignored, I ended up cut off by a friend though it too was a different situation, she was a user in that she would cut off when i a relationship and be a shitty friend. I was glad to finally say it had run it's course and then to be the one to refuse to reconnect when she broke up again.

ThingsThatShine Sun 08-Jun-14 13:43:44

B is being silly.

Of course you can't always socialise with all of your friends every single time and there should be no expectation of being automatically invited to a dinner where you're just with one other plus partners!

If you were having a large gathering with everyone and just excluding her, normal for her to be pissed off. But that's totally different.

In this case she is being needy and possessive and she is being u. YANBU.

TheLastThneed Sun 08-Jun-14 19:55:42

Sorry to hear that you've been on the receiving end IwinIwin. I'm pleased that you're in a strong position now.

I forgot to call the friend I no longer see one night and she wrote me a really nasty email. She wrote all her feelings down and sent it by accident. We got past that, but I guess we never really recovered from it.

JonesRipley Sun 08-Jun-14 20:01:05

I don't think people should have to invite other people to everything, but talking about it in front of others is inconsiderate. And tagging on FB is a bit show-iffy, Imo (but then I don't see the need for this kind of thing on FB)

OTOH, if I felt hurt, I've more pride than to let on. She didn't get an understanding response from you, did she/ Even when she did it jokingly

JonesRipley Sun 08-Jun-14 20:02:05

Randon

I agree with that.

JonesRipley Sun 08-Jun-14 20:03:05

sorry Random

THIS:

"She's entitled to comment on FB just as you are entitled to post on it. If you didn't want to run her nose in it, you shouldn't have posted your details on FB"

IwinIwin Sun 08-Jun-14 20:27:51

TheLastThneed , it was hard, I let myself get screwed a lot first. That must have been an awful email to read, very accusing I'm sure. I'm sorry.

But Jonas, doesn't the idea that any fb post is rubbing someone's nose in it apply to a lot of posting on fb? I feel a bit of an ache when people post about being pregnant because I'm finding it hard to get that way, that doesn't mean their rubbing my face in it. My friend does a food blog a day on hers and links to food pictures she's eaten out, should my friend with an eating disorder feel her nose has been rubbed in? My cloest friend is recently single yet another has just got engaged, is the engaged on rubbing the nose in?

In all cases it may appear as 'yes' but that doesn't mean they are rubbing your nose in it, in all of those cases the receiver is being unreasonable- including myself.

And I don't get how it's rubbing her nose in it in a logistical way? Friend B is only really friends with the OP, not so much with friend A. As someone pointed out the reverse from friend A's POV would be: AIBU to be annoyed, I arranged a double date with my best friend and she invited along someone who I'm not that close to- this woman and I have only hung out a few times together and I wanted time with my best friend.

Why would it rub her nose in it? Equally then, did it rub every other friend the OP has and the ones friend A has then because they too should have been invited? I don't like facebook check-ins but there are a lot of ways in which someone could be seen to be rubbing someone's nose in something- in those cases 50% of fb activity would cease if people stopped being social on these networks and only the 'like-whoring' would be left/

ThingsThatShine Sun 08-Jun-14 20:49:35

How is it rubbing her nose in it? People should realise they are not the centre of everyone's lives and it's normal for people to be doing other things with other people. Don't see how mentioning (whether on FB or in person) going out for dinner is rubbing anyone's nose in anything.

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