Update to "Glastonbury over Wedding" - now it's "local festival over holiday" - is it me or what?(85 Posts)
I posted a few days ago saying that DP was prioritising Glastonbury festival over our wedding by saying we'd have to do the wedding as cheap as pos (or maybe not at all) but we have to go to Glastonbury (again).
Anyway most of you thought I was being unfair, princessey and spoilt so I came up with the compromise of cheap wedding - glastonbury for honeymoon. He loved it. That's the plan.
Ok - so I also mentioned in that post that we had a holiday of a lifetime coming up in august. Something of a bucket list entry of mine - I'm so excited about it, it's a massive deal to me. Anyway the plan was that we'd stay in Manchester airport hotel the night before - a nice romantic night before our hol, cheap, takes the stress out of getting to the airport the next day and just adds a nice touch to the start of our hol. I can do this for £100. Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it but as we very, very nearly missed our flight the last time we went away and I was close to tears and almost too stressed out to enjoy the start of the holiday - I insisted. This was something I really wanted to do and despite what it seems like on here, I don't ask for a lot, I'm pretty easily pleased (honeymoon in a field anyone?) but you know - I wanted the hotel the night before the hol.
Anyway I've found out the real reason he didn't want to do it. A local yearly festival is on in town the night before we fly and he wants to go to that. FFS. Holiday of a lifetime and all he cares about is a little music festival happening the night before. I mean seriously now, is it me or what? I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities. I compromised as much as humanely possible with my wedding - I just feel this is taking the piss now.
FWIW I'm with you. Why should you always be the one to compromise what you want? There will be plenty more festivals. I'd be tempted to tell him to sling his hook and go and enjoy your holiday of a lifetime whilst he goes to the local festival
and hope it pours down for him while you're away enjoying yourself
So are you staying in the hotel?
I agree. He is selfish. He won't suddenly become unselfish. He is selfish like a child is selfish. Its not malicious but he naturally puts his wants first. Its annoying but forgivable in a 10 year old but in an adult its worrying as its unlikely to change.
Then again I thought the same about the wedding.
And you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Why? He is bone deep self centred. It sounds exhausting and pretty unattractive to be mothering an adult.
I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities If DH had made me feel like that (or if I made him feel like that) we'd never have got married. It sounds like you have a lot more to talk about that where to spend the night before a holiday, to be honest!
Why are you marrying this man?
Please don't marry this bloke.
You deserve better than this man.
I use the word 'man' lightly as he sounds quite childish actually.
No man who thinks all you deserve is a wedding of his convenience and a honeymoon in a field is a total shit in my eyes.
I would really think hard about whether you should actually marry this man. He is, as others have said, deeply selfish. What's he going to be like when you have children? Is he going to be prioritising his desires over the needs of your children? Going to a bloody music festival when you are in labour...?
Doesn't bode well I'm afraid. And you sound so lovely. I think you deserve better than this.
I missed the last thread, but this does not sound like a man who is ready for marriage and all the commitment and compromise it entails. Who is driving this relationship forward? He seems happy to go along with it only until it inconveniences him.
Do not marry him on the basis that you hope this will change. It won't - why would it when he gets his way?
I would be having serious rethinks of my relationship if I were in your shoes, OP. I would let him know that he is constantly putting his feelings ahead of yours and it's making you unsure of the relationship.
I thought he was being selfish re the wedding in the last thread too (although I did only read the first few comments so don't know if the story developed).
FWIW, I married a selfish childish man and less than two years in, he buggers off with another woman. I'm not saying that's what will happen here at all but I wish I had rethought my relationship and marriage when I first found out he would always come first and my feelings would be put to the back of the pile.
You will have to compromise on every single thing for the rest of your life. He will always get what he wants because you are allowing him to do so. Do you want to live like that?
He's a twat.
I didn't read your Glasto v honeymoon thread so don't know the back story.
If he's flaky about prioritising a festival over a fab holiday think about your future together.
He will always put himself above everybody and everything else.
I was on that last thread and posted I thought he was not someone I would marry.
What you want will never matter to this person unless it is exactly what he wants because he is self-centred, selfish and immature.
Nothing will ever be as important to him as music festivals and what he wants.
I would cancel the holiday and rebook it to go with a friend, and split with this guy.
Sorry, but I agree with all the previous responses. He is selfish, and you "feel like [your] feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities" because frankly, they are. He does sound very immature, and now would be a good time to step away from being married to him because, as has already been pointed out, this would be the template of your married life - you compromising what you want to please him, him suiting himself to please him.
Is there anyone else you could go on this holiday with, and what would be the cost of changing the name of the person going? The reason I suggest this is that this holiday is very important to you, and his fucking you about could taint it so that you wouldn't get good memories from it . Or it could be very successful if you went as girlfriend/boyfriend rather than fiancee/fiance. But seriously - he's not ready for marriage
and may never be if he doesn't grow up.
He sounds incredibly selfish. Off the top of your head, can you think of any examples where he's put your wishes before his?
YANBU I agree with what PP have said. You've had to compromise on 2 once in a lifetime events because of his desire to attend 2 annual events. I know it's easy for an outsider to say, but I would put the wedding on hold until he proves he's not so self-centered any more (if that ever happens). It's heartbreaking reading all the threads in Relationships regarding selfish husbands who think their hobbies overrule the families commitments; don't be one of those women that in a few years time is posting about what a dick your DH is.
Is he selfish in other ways?
I saw the previous thread and wish I'd commented now - I didn't clock that people thought you were spoilt and princessy, but that's certainly not how you came across to me.
This all just seems like Too Much Shit. Is your whole married life going to be like this? Can you really be arsed with it? He has his priorities and he has no desire to change them - when has he ever compromised?
I read your original Glastonbury thread and I agreed with you then!! But this is something else. This should be a complete no brainer for him. Unless he's headlining the local festival the plans you've already made and agreed to stand and tough titties about missing a festival.
He's being a twat and if I were you I'd seriously be considering if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Your relationship doesn't sound like much of a partnership at the moment.
Its not you! You compromised on your dream wedding, yet he can't make little adjustments too. You need to have a serious talk with him. He is being selfish, he's giving you a good view of what Married life is going to be.
Bloody hell, you're having your honeymoon at Glastonbury!
I'd refuse to marry him just to get out of going on the honeymoon myself.
Agree with the others. Twat.
Can you imagine if, in the future, you have the temerity to go into labour when one of his festivals is on?
And you are still marrying this selfish twat?
How much worse will you feel when he is leaving you at home with a newborn and going to the Glastonbury festival or wherever to relive his youth!?
Fgs, get out now!
Go on your dream holiday alone or ask someone else!
You are being given such a huge warning...red flashing lights, flags the works, up to you whether you pay attention.
Oh no - did you get the "you're princessey/spoilt/entitled" bunch who crop up with alarming (and tedious) regularity on here?
FWIW you did the right thing by sticking to your guns re the hotel....whether or not you you should marry someone who prioritises music festivals (how old is he exactly??) over your wedding and a big holiday only you can say.
I just read your other thread.
Sadly I don't think you should be getting married to this man. You have different priorities - yours is going on this wonderful holiday and getting married, his is going to festivals.
You have shown that you can compromise, he is repeatedly showing that he will not. Not so dreadful now when it's just the two of you, but if you want to have DCs then guess who will end up with the sticky end of the lollipop for life.
My DH treated me like a princess before we were married - now 9 years later, not so much. If this is what your DF is now, when you're meant to be in the first flush of romance, then just think about how he will be in 10 years time.
Don't get me wrong, I love Glastonbury. Been pretty much every year since 1999.
But I am fucked if I'd want to go there for my honeymoon.
I read your previous thread, but didn't post. I thought at the time that it sounded to me as if you were having to do all the work and all the compromising. This latest development really sounds to me as if you should have a long, hard think about whether marrying this guy is right for you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life having to compromise and give way to his wishes? What if you have children? What if your due date or labour clashes with a festival? I'm sorry, but he sounds very immature and not that committed to you.
I'd agree with Rookie's point as well. I have been married for almost 10 years now and I love the very bones of my husband. We have a good relationship, are close and get on - most of the time! - very well together, lots of shared interests and laughter.
Is he as attentive as he was when we first got together? No, but then neither am I. The 'novelty' of someone wears off and you become familiar, but with that familiarity should come a deep and lasting love and respect - the stuff that gets you through the rocky patches.
So Rookie's post is very pertinent; if your partner is being like this now before you are even married, what is he going to be like 10 years down the road with potentially a couple of kids in the mix?
"I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities."
The rest of your post doesn't really matter. If you feel like that now, when you're planning your wedding, when you should be feeling as though he worships the ground you walk on, then it's not going to get any better.
I missed your last thread but I am very surprised to hear that people thought you were being spoilt asking him to forgo Glastonbury for a year for your wedding! Glastonbury is once a year, weddings once a lifetime.
He sounds incredibly selfish and men like that are unlikely to change without an almighty shake up. In my experience this comes in the shape of an extremely forthright woman who tells him exactly what's what and to toe the line. If you are not that woman then I think it's time to seriously rethink your life ahead with this man. Leaving him might seem scary now but imagine a lifetime with this selfish git.....now THAT'S scary.
When are you meant to be getting married?
No, he is being an arse.
Your priorities and his are not in line. Are you sure you can spend your life with this man?
He sounds like a tool. Imagine all the 'one off' events that occur when you have kids. Could you trust him to put them first? Probably not if you can't even get top of his list for your wedding.
You would just end up resenting him in my opinion. Sorry.
You are going to Glastonbury for your honeymoon? You have to be kidding? How old is this husband-to-be? 16?
OP, this is the type of man you have as FWB not a boyfriend, partner or husband. He clearly has no desire to be in a mature partnership. You will marry him but I think one day you will look back at these threads and ask yourself why you did not walk away. This man is very selfish and, as others here have said, he will not change. Since you are planning to marry him you really should learn to accept that your feelings will always be "the very bottom of his priorities" and just accept this is who he is. Men like this do not suddenly wake up and became unselfish, their behaviour gets more entrenched and unless you capitulate every time he stamps his foot, you will be seen as the bore, the spoil sport.
Your DP is the type of man we read about all too often here on mumsnet - the selfish husband who is still behaving like a lad and refuses to accept the responsibilities that marriage and fatherhood bring. Prioritising friends, booze and social life above his family. OP don't sleepwalk into a miserable marriage.
Thing is OP - there will be women who would not see a problem with having a honeymoon at Glasto or prioritising a music festival over a big holiday. The problem here is not necessarily that he's an arse - it's that your priorities don't appear to match.
To be honest, part of me wouldn't mind a Glasto honeymoon. But it bothers you.
You seem very different people op.
Great post Beavie :
Don't get me wrong, I love Glastonbury. Been pretty much every year since 1999.
But I am fucked if I'd want to go there for my honeymoon.
I thought I was being a bit prejudiced as I'd rather stay at home with a takeaway and
any old good movie rather than go to Glastonbury.
M booking the hotel, I told him I won't even discuss it with him as it's something I won't be compromising on. His response was "ok" ... But it's the fact that it even entered his head that we could forfeit the hotel for a festival. He's 42 btw, old enough in my opinion to realise that some things should be prioritised over glastonbury and local festivals.
I read your previous thread but didn't post. I didn't think you were unreasonable then and I don't now. He seems really selfish think about if you can put up with being treated as second to his wants/desires for the rest of your life.
I didn't realise he was 42 - I assumed you were both in your early twenties .
What age are you if you don't mind me asking?
I promise you that if you marry this man, a year later you will be posting, "I am 38 weeks pregnant and my Dh has just announced he is going on a golfing weekend /stag do next month...." It will not end well.
Age is only a number though op. If his interests and priorities lie elsewhere then it's always going to be a problem.
My dp is slightly older than him and I'm 25. Occasionally I am amazed at how juvenile he can be, whilst he on the same occasions sees me as being rigid and set in my ways. We do think along the same lines though, generally speaking our priorities are the same, which is why we're together.
You and your dp seem poles apart and putting your irritation down to his age doesn't quite sit right. It's undermining the bigger issue, which is that your priorities are not the same.
Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!!!
Jesus, he's not gonna change now I'm afraid. He sounds like he's never grown up. Is this thread making you rethink things?
I don't think it matters if he's 42, 22 or 82 - if he's into music festivals and you're not (and he prioritises them over your wedding and holiday) then you have a problem.
I was going to say give the young man a chance to grow up...
42 op if he's this way, what's the chances of him changing?
Don't marry this pleb.
42? Fuck him off. What a total reject he is.
If you marry this man you'll be on here whining about him and his selfish behaviour for ever more.
If you do go ahead and marry him - knowing what you already know - then you're the architect of your own misfortune.
It sounds like you are making most of the compromises and I can see why that is unfair. I don't think you sound spoilt/princessey either.
But... I don't understand why staying in a hotel the night BEFORE your holiday (which you admit is off you bucket list) is so important if it means he is going to miss something he wants to go to. Surely the holiday will be romantic and relaxing in itself? Of sounds like you are into different things and maybe to him this festival is as important as the holiday and he wants to do both. It's not like he's asking you to cancel the holiday, just a night in a airport hotel.
Do you have ANYTHING in common???
Please don't marry him, you obviously both have completely different ideas of fun!
'I can't be at the birth of our first born because of a festival'.
I didn't post on the other thread either, but FWIW, I didn't think you were princessy and agreed with you. He really sounds like a bell end, and at this age, probably isn't going to change if he doesn't have to. He will probably be like this for the duration of your marriage.
Please don't marry him. Definitely don't have kids with him; he's too selfish.
A lot of people stay near tha airport the night before a holiday to avoid having to get up that extra bit early if they have to leave very early for a long haul flight or a long journey.
Why is he a "reject" for liking music festivals at 42?
Are they actually only the remit of the under 30's? S'ok with me as I'm a few years off
and never been to one sadly .
But seriously - you are able to meet in the middle as a couple or your are not. It seems to be erring towards not but of course, this is a one sided thing based on your irritated vent. What you are like day to day as a couple is unknown.
I'm not sure which I'd hate more - going to a music festival or staying at the hotel the night before a flight ( did it once slept badly, much rather have a bit less sleep in my own bed).
That's not the point though. Nor is it him liking music festivals at 42. It's the fact that he likes them beyond the point of prioritising his own wedding, or for once letting his fiancee choose what happens.
If he was 25 then there is a chance that age may mature him - as he is 42 it's unlikely this will happen.
Without knowing more I think it's hard to make an instant judgement that he's selfish. I can see why somebody might prefer going to a festival over holding a fancy wedding day, particularly if they have traditionally gone every year.
I don't know that is makes him selfish to want to spend the weekend before you go on holiday at a local festival over the hotel any more than it makes you selfish for wanting to spend the night before at the hotel over the festival. It does suggest you have different priorities though. If you are someone who prefers to be holidaying in hotels and he is someone who wants to be at festivals then that is likely to be a problem as how will you ever compromise?
Unless your flight is so early that you can't get to it on time if you don't stay in a hotel nearer the airport I don't think he is being selfish in wanting to go to the festival beforehand. You are still having the holiday you want (is he so keen on the holiday? Was it a dream destination for him or only for you?) but beforehand he gets to go to the festival he wants. Are you really that hung up on the hotel? Can he at least go to some of the festival, even if you have to leave early?
I think the faces are a surprise thst he's prioritising a festival over a highly personal and emotional event such as his wedding!
At 42 hasn't he done all that?
Is leaving him at the local festival and taking someone less selfish on the holiday an option ?
Seriously, he really doesn't sound worth marrying. He just doesn't have any sense of accommodating your wishes at all.
Sorry to play Devil's Advocate but coming so close to your previous Glastonbury argument, do you think he might be having minor cold feet about the wedding, and pushing what he knows to be your festival buttons, in the hope you'll freak out and tell him to do one? It's the sort of cowardly pass-agg tactic my confrontation-phobic ex-DP would have tried.
Do you know what I don't like about it?
Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it
Instead of coming out with it straight away and saying "well actually, I was hoping to go to the local music festival that night", he's spent however long trying to put the OP off the idea of the hotel, despite knowing how much she wanted it to be part of the holiday.
If you're going to be a selfish twat then at least own it!
He is never going to put you as nr. 1.
I would be going on holiday by myself
and move out, cancel the wedding
You do have free choice over your life you know!
Yes that's a very good point canaryyellow. Strikes me that he knows he is being a bit of an arse about this and that the OP will kick off so was trying not to let it slip.
Because that age you should be grown up to accept that if you chose to be in a relationship with someone who can take it or leave it, you have to compromise.
Ok, here is what I posted on your previous thread - word for word:
*Why don't you have a very careful think about marrying a man who is very determined to have exactly what he wants, but 'laughs it off' when you start talking about things which are important to you?
A wedding is just one day yes. But it's not that that's the problem really, is it? It's the way he's showing you that what he wants is important, what you want is always negotiable.*
Same thing. Exactly the same thing. Isn't it?
He's 42 btw, old enough in my opinion to realise that some things should be prioritised over glastonbury and local festivals.
Yes, he is. So it isn't a case of him not being old enough, or happy enough, or anything enough, it's simply a case of him being an incredibly selfish, self-centred person.
He won't change. People don't change. Especially when they are 42 and have had a lifetime of pleasing themselves.
Marry him if you want. But these threads are showing you what it will be like.
How old are you, btw? Do you want children, and is time pressing? Is that a consideration in whether you continue with him?
As fast and you can.
And be grateful he made you realise what a twat he was prior to the vows!
I thought he was about 25/6 (even at that age it's still twatish behaviour though)
Except you aren't going to are you op?
You will marry this waste of space and be back in a few months when he has decided going to a festival is more important than a significant b day/anniversary/funeral/the birth of his child....
He is 42.
He will not change.
If you marry him don't bleat on about his behaviour.
You have had fair warning IMHO.
A friend of mine has just divorced her 40 yo DH because he was and is an irresponsible, inconsiderate twat and she got tired of hoping he'd magically improve.
Leave him now. And I say that as someone who called off her own wedding 6months beforehand because she realised her now-ex fiancée wasn't going to stop chasing other women. Trust me, it'll be easier now than later
The thing that worries me about this thread is that I have a dreadful feeling you feel thoroughly committed to a man with whom you have little in common, who seems to find your priorities laughable because they bear no resemblance to his own, and that you will go ahead and marry him, whatever anyone says here.
Listen to yourself. It sounds as if your life with this man is lonely and frustrating, with you setting your heart on weddings, bucket list destinations etc, and him with no interest in those because he's all about the festivals. Honestly, can you face a life where any major event may be vetoed or sidelined because it clashes with a festival? You were nearly in tears (your other thread) because you felt your engaged colleagues were having such fun planning their weddings, while you were trying to persuade someone patently uninterested to have a wedding, rather than a music festival. If you have a child together, do you want to be envying other couples at scans and antenatal classes, because their husbands are all excited and involved while your guy is checking his watch to get out the door to something that's all about him, or begging you to gave an ELCS so as not to clash with a festival?
I can see why this charmer has made it to 42 without being in a lasting relationship. He's a twat. Run away OP, run far, run fast. you will feel great without Mr Whingy-festival-pants weighing you down.
Another one who didn't read the previous thread, but who thinks it was in no way spoilt or princess to expect your wedding to be higher priority than one year's attendance at Glastonbury. Time for a serious talk with him I reckon. How long have you been together? Do you want children?
He's 42 btw
Fuck's sake, woman!
Screw all the advice on the last thread
including mine. I hadn't realised your intended was an overgrown toddler.
How can he even contemplate portacabin loos at his advanced age?? I couldn't go near them when I was 17.
A good relationship and great marriages / partnerships are about compromise.
But your relationship just didn't sound like the ebb and flow of mutual compromise where both people ultimately want to make the other happy. It sounds like he's along for the ride as long as it suits him.
Whose idea was it to get married in the first place? I am starting to get the impression that you are the one who wants the wedding and a non-music-festival-related lifestyle and that he is a lot less keen on the idea.
Neither of you are actually wrong, but you are really not compatible by the sound of it. Why are you so keen to marry a man who is not interested in the things that matter to you?
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If he cannot prioritise you over himself now, he won't ever will.
What will happen when you have children? He'll prioritise himself and you and the dcs will be at the bottom of the heap while he's off having a fabulous time.
I didn't think you came over as princessy either.
More that you want different things.
It's probably not such a good idea to get married, sorry.
Sounds like my husband. He didn't want a wedding ring. He'd rather spend that money on a new guitar! You have my sympathies.
OP, on your wedding v Glastonbury thread, most posters thought you were anything but spoilt/princessy. A few mentioned they thought big weddings were naff but conceded that wasn't actually what you wanted & had compromised loads anyway.
So many times women on here, and it IS mainly women, write posts about doing all childcare/housework as well as working f/t and everything under the sun and posters say "why did you have kids with/marry such a selfish man". He's showing you exactly who he is NOW. Take note of it.
I read a really good article a while back where the author said she was exasperated when girls/women say "he'll make a really great dad because he's so playful" and she said no, great dads are great men - they treat the people around them with respect, they do the shite, boring stuff as well as the fun stuff. They pick their undies up off the floor! I'm paraphrasing and I know it's not entirely relevant, but the themes are the same. Do you see yourself in 10yrs time wondering how the fuck you ended up downtrodden & exhausted while he's still party boy?
It's not that you're 'princessy', it's that you seem to want to make this man into someone he's not. What matters to him is music, more than anything else. You are more interested in travel and in getting married. Both of these sets of priorities are fine, but they don't go well together.
H was just 43 when I married him, never married before, lived alone or in house shares with male mates since his early 20's.
Would I marry him if I had my time again? Hell no.
He had, quite reasonably, been living a life to his preferences and wants for most of his life. Sadly, he had been doing it for so long that it never crossed his mind that being in a LTR would change that. we are now, 7 years down the line, just about ok but I wouldnt go through the first 5 years again for a big cheque.
I am with Expat on this one.
I should add that he had had many (many!) GF's in that time. Reading between the lines the reason they all ended at around the 2 year point was because that was when the women stopped doing everything he wanted and either they or him got pissed off.
He wanted to marry me because I never did what he wanted from day one
I don't think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable. You just want very different things. I don't think that there is anything wrong with him wanting to go to a local festival before your holiday but it is his turn to compromise now as you compromised on the honeymoon.
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