To be very upset how my friends have behaved towards me following an accident?

(40 Posts)
Whyisitalwaysraining Sat 07-Jun-14 12:32:22

Long term poster but have name changed.

I was recently involved in an accident on my way to work. Thankfully I was not really seriously injured, but it was serious enough that I was taken to A&E in an ambulance and I sustained some injuries that still have not healed (the accident was a month ago) so I have been in some discomfort for the last month since the accident, not to mention that it has shaken me up a bit so I have been feeling a little down.

As I say, I am very lucky that my injuries are basically just superficial and will fully heal in time and there should not be any lasting damage, so I am trying not to make a mountain out of a mole hill, for example I went back to work as soon as I could and have just got on with things.

When the accident first happened I told my family and close friends, and all my friends sent me the usual "oh no sorry to hear that, get well soon" kind of message back. However, since then not one of the six or seven women who I would consider to be my close friends have bothered to call or text to check how I am. Not one text in a whole month.

The wife of one of DP's friends (who I haven't known very long) popped round with some flowers and I was so touched I almost cried. It was so thoughtful of her and completely unexpected, it really meant such a lot to know that someone cared. My Mum, MIL, DP and my boss have also all been really sweet.

AIBU to be a bit upset that none of my "close" friends have bothered to get in touch? I like to think I am a thoughtful person myself, and I would always sent a card if one of my friends was very sick or injured.

This has made me think I should re-evaluate my friendships a bit, and perhaps focus a bit more energy on the lovely lady who popped round with the flowers who is not someone I really know that well, only via our partners.

AIBU?

VivaLeBeaver Sat 07-Jun-14 12:42:06

If you've gone back to work and the injuries were only superficial they are probably just assuming that everything's fine.

FeelLikeCrying Sat 07-Jun-14 12:45:35

Sometimes people just don't know what to do or say. As my health deteriorates I find that even my close friends ask my parents/family/DP rather than me direct.

mommy2ash Sat 07-Jun-14 12:46:03

how close are You to these friends if you haven't spoken in a month-? anyone I would consider myself close to I would chat at least a few times a week to

popcornpaws Sat 07-Jun-14 12:46:54

No YANBU, i know everyone is busy etc but it really wouldn't take much effort if they cared about you to get in touch.

Quite often its at times like yours or if you've suffered a bereavement etc that you find out who your true friends are.

TroyMcClure Sat 07-Jun-14 12:47:26

Yup. They aren't mates. I think you learn on maternity leave who from your work colleagues are really your friends

Whyisitalwaysraining Sat 07-Jun-14 12:47:51

I don't have anyone I chat a few times a week to, except for DP. They are the closest friends I have. Maybe I am being too dramatic, but the whole thing has made me feel pretty down.

WiIdfire Sat 07-Jun-14 12:49:03

I suspect they just dont realise it was as bad as it was. If you said 'superficial injuries' that could cover a whole range of things. If they havent seen you they wont know you are still uncomfortable and shaken. It would be a shame to lose friendships over a misunderstanding.

You sound very needy, sorry. Do you think this accident has shaken you, and your emotions are affecting your judgement?

If my friend was in an accident, after checking she was OK, finding that she was, and was back at work, I wouldn't think to send flowers or check up on her either.

Some people are particularly prone to grand gestures of thoughtfulness (the wife of your DP's friend, for example) - but I don't think this is a necessary prerequisite of being a "good friend".

YABU.

OwlCapone Sat 07-Jun-14 12:49:33

I agree with Viva. Especially if you've downplayed it by saying youre fine and the injuries were superficial.

TuttiFrutti Sat 07-Jun-14 12:49:37

People are busy. They may have meant to send a card, but then something happens and they get distracted, and then three days go by and they think "oh, she must be better by now, it's too late to send a card now".

Also, if you are back at work they probably assume the accident wasn't that bad.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 07-Jun-14 12:50:10

Very odd behaviour- even if there were no injuries at all i would expect friends to at least ask if i was ok. No excuse not to really. A simple text to let the person know you are thinking of them.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 07-Jun-14 12:51:32

You dont sound needy at all OP

Rhine Sat 07-Jun-14 12:52:14

What do you expect them to do though? You've said yourself that the injuries were not serious. They sent texts when it happened asking if you were ok when it happened, what else could expect from them?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

AlpacaLypse Sat 07-Jun-14 12:53:57

I think if I were one of your group of friends, after the initial 'sorry to hear' text/phone call, and if I knew you were back at work, I'd save asking how you are for the next time I run into you in the normal course of events.

Sorry OP, I think you're overthinking this a bit and yabu.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 07-Jun-14 12:55:08

But they did ask if she was ok. OP states they all texted to see how she was initially.

Its just that they haven't done it again.

I had a car accident and people asked me once if I was ok. I said yes, didnt get asked again and didnt expect to be asked again.

DoJo Sat 07-Jun-14 12:55:11

anyone I would consider myself close to I would chat at least a few times a week to

Really? That sounds like a very narrow definition of closeness!

OP - do they know what your injuries were? Have you been posting on FB or similar so that they at least know you're on the mend? It sounds like maybe they are unaware of how affected you have been, or under the impression that things aren't that bad.
I have been to A and E in ambulances a few times, and for many of those I wouldn't go out of my way to tell people because the results weren't too bad, so perhaps they think that because you've got on with things you are actually on the mend more than you really are.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 07-Jun-14 12:55:15

"Hi, how's the knee/arm/neck/shoulder doing?"

Not hard. Took 5 seconds.

gamerchick Sat 07-Jun-14 12:55:51

I wouldn't expect cards and stuff for an accident.. A life changing one perhaps.

I often have accidents and break things or other pain in the arse stuff but I've never gotten a card.

Has the accident really shaken you up? Does your friends know how much it has upset you if it has?

ICanSeeTheSun Sat 07-Jun-14 12:56:05

I would be checking if a friend was coping back at work.

I assume it was a RTA, if so I would be asking how she is coping with no car, does she need a hand with shopping ect.

If it was superficial and you're back at work I'd be assuming you were fine unless told otherwise in some way.

Nobody assumes someone else is suffering MH issues or shock, or things. We all just assume everything's always fine. Sometimes to get help you have to make the first effort, then assess friendships based on that.

MrsCripps Sat 07-Jun-14 12:58:16

How often do they usually text you/meet with you etc

Whyisitalwaysraining Sat 07-Jun-14 12:58:22

I do not expect gifts / cards etc. As I said above, the bunch of flowers I did receive were completely unexpected.

A text / call would have been nice. That is all I am saying.

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Jun-14 12:58:24

It's a two way thing though. Have you bothered to get in touch with your friends? Sent a text or anything?

If not, then I agree with others that they probably think you're fine now and over it.

I really would not focus your attention on the lady you don't know very well, just because she popped round with some flowers.

Some people are just like that. I've got a friend who for example, visits everyone in hospital...even neighbours that she hardly even knows - this is just the way she is.

By all means think about becoming friends with this lady, but I wouldn't do it because of the flowers. Nor would I compare her to my non flower sending friends because of it.

Hope everything heals quickly flowers

Needadvice5 Sat 07-Jun-14 12:58:54

Are you on FB? have you been giving little updates on there? If they are good friends I find it strange they haven't been in touch for a month!

its rare I see my best friend at the moment as she's busy with her career/trying to finish her disatation whilst I'm busy with my dc/my career but when I fell and broke my leg 2 weeks ago she visited me in hospital the following day with flowers and treats!

Maybe you need new friends!

thebodylovesspring Sat 07-Jun-14 12:59:49

Some not nice replies. Being in an accident makes you feel very vulnerable op so of course you feel needy! Why the bloody hell shouldn't you?

I expect your friends just don't realise how it's affecting you and arnt bring intentionally mean.

The lady who brought the flowers may have had a different experience do understands more.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

Rhine Sat 07-Jun-14 13:02:10

I had a car accident a few years ago. I also went to hospital for a check up, had whiplash and shock. I didn't expect anyone to fawn over me. I was fine, a bit sore and shaken up but hell it could have been so much worse.

Had the OPs accident caused a hospital stay and life threatening injuries I'd say she was not being unreasonable, but I'm not sure what you expect the response to a minor accident to be? You do sound a bit needy OP.

TroyMcClure Sat 07-Jun-14 13:02:58

Agree

I wouldn't expect a card for an accident either. I honestly think it's OTT. People who send cards/ presents etc. for odd reasons make me want to run for the hills. There are people in life who love to make a fuss, and there are others who do not. It doesn't mean they don't care. Only you know how close you are to these friends - if they have been there for you in the past, if you have shared lots of good times etc. FGS don't judge them on this one thing, it's completely unfair.

sanfairyanne Sat 07-Jun-14 13:07:00

have you contacted your friends and let them know you are feeling down?
certainly dont focus energy on someone just because they gave you flowers, but perhaps work on developing stronger friendships where you contact people more than once a month? (this works both ways of course)

bloodyteenagers Sat 07-Jun-14 13:14:24

When you normally talk to these friends, who contacts who and how often?

maddening Sat 07-Jun-14 13:19:08

If it is usual in these friendships to go a few weeks without contact maybe you have had more time while recuperating to notice that gap.

If you had spoken to your friends and asked them round for a coffee etc and been rebuffed frequently I would worry something was wrong but if you haven't been in contact for periods that would be normal usually then I would just imagine it's that everyone has a lot on and life is going on as normal.

Send an invite for a catch up.

gamerchick Sat 07-Jun-14 13:25:05

I agree ask for a catch up.

If you have your partner, mother, mil and so in around you your friends might think you're sorted if you tend not to meet up with them often.

Op I thought you said they did get in contact when it happened. I thought the issue was they hadn't contacted again.

They probably think life's back to normal. If it isn't, speak up. It's not a weakness you know to say you need help or a chat or a hug. Presently you're coming off a bit PA which only works if your mates know. Otherwise it's a bit redundant emotional effort.

It's ok to not be feeling right. Just call one.

PrincessBabyCat Sat 07-Jun-14 16:45:40

Yeah, when my friends have had surgeries, I ask them how they are, if they say they're fine, I assume all is well and leave it at that. I don't keep texting them to check up on them, and I think they'd be annoyed if I did. I assume if something gets worse or happens they'll keep me updated.

Most of them keep me up to date via fb though anyway.

Eeyore86 Sat 07-Jun-14 16:51:34

I wouldn't expect cards or flowers but from what you've said op you didn't just a text or call which I don't think is unreasonable when my friend was in a rta she wasn't badly hurt just minor injuries however I still checked in with her a few times a week as shock etc can effect people dire entry at different times.

That said my behaviour in checking and double checking may be because of bitter experience, when I had a life changing accident age 20 it was remarkable how quickly people didn't want to know as I was now a burden, couldn't go out with them incase I dislocated my knee, needed to go to hospital etc (basically I ruined their fun)
Those people weren't friends, not true friends despite going to school etc together and sometimes it takes things like that to make you see who your real friends are

Have you spoken to your friends about it they might be devastated that you feel this way?

It is horrible to feel like this tho (first time I've thought about it actively in a couple of years and it still hurts) and certainly makes you question things hopefully your fully recovered now

GrendelsMinim Sat 07-Jun-14 17:43:42

I wonder if you minimised it in a 'being brave, making the best of it, mustn't grumble' type way, and the result is that they haven't actually realised how serious the accident was.

The reason I'm suggesting this is because my best friend was scheduled in for an op, told me it was nothing to worry about, totally routine, nothing really necessary but the doctor thought she might as well... Etc etc. It was only some months later that I realised how serious it had been, and that I should have driven up there to help her while she was stuck in bed recovering. As it was, I naively believed her when she said it was nothing at all.

Joysmum Sat 07-Jun-14 17:58:51

If you've said you're fine, it was superficial and you've gone back to work then all they've find is believed you.

Joysmum Sat 07-Jun-14 17:59:17

If you've said you're fine, it was superficial and you've gone back to work then all they've done is believed you.

Nancy66 Sat 07-Jun-14 18:03:38

Great that you're on the mend but afraid I have to agree with the majority - it wasn't a serious accident, you're ok and life goes on.

People have their own stuff going on at any time: sick kids, ailing parents, financial worries, stress at work.

I'm sure if you were still in hospital people would have rallied more but - this was a minor incident - so (to them) it's not a big deal.

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