Expect DH to Facebook defriend OW after affair ended?

(78 Posts)
st273447 Wed 04-Jun-14 16:10:47

So the affair has ended and DH committed to our relationship, but my DH is still FB friends with OW?

Should I have to ask to defriend or am I being unreasonable?

ManchesterAunt Wed 04-Jun-14 16:13:19

How could you even think you would be unreasonable in asking that? confused

DeepThought Wed 04-Jun-14 16:13:32

Of course he should defriend and block

Omg at him not doing it yet

Slightly concerning that he hasn't - did he end the affair in front of you, have you got full unfettered access to his emails, phone, tablet etc?

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 16:14:15

You have to ask us this ?

LEMmingaround Wed 04-Jun-14 16:14:18

Its not over

WowserBowser Wed 04-Jun-14 16:14:47

Yes of course YANBU. It should have already been done.

wrapsuperstar Wed 04-Jun-14 16:14:59

If you are genuinely questioning if this is unreasonable he has really done a number on you.

ApocalypseThen Wed 04-Jun-14 16:15:01

Definitely not over.

WowserBowser Wed 04-Jun-14 16:16:23

If he is being resistant to doing this then i'd say he's not comitted to working it out with you.

Topaz25 Wed 04-Jun-14 16:16:23

YANBU. I would not want them to have any contact.

shirkingviolent Wed 04-Jun-14 16:16:42

Er, yeah-hur!

If he has to be asked to do this he is insensitive to your feelings at the very least. Why would he think you'd be ok with her seeing your life on FB?

Wtfshock yanbu- but if he hasn't done it automatically then I question if he is committed to your relationship and rebuilding trust.

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 16:18:07

You are SO NOT being unreasonable!

Surely this is going to be totally unanimous?!

meditrina Wed 04-Jun-14 16:18:42

"Should I have to ask to defriend or am I being unreasonable?"

Of course he should defriend. The only unreasonable bit here is that you are having to ask. He should have done it himself already.

squoosh Wed 04-Jun-14 16:20:15

Hmmm, it's a tough one..............

MrsBungle Wed 04-Jun-14 16:20:17

Erm, yanbu!

KoalaDownUnder Wed 04-Jun-14 16:21:27

Are you kidding??

If he's digging in his heels, then he is completely taking the piss. He should have done it without being asked! shock

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 04-Jun-14 16:21:40

Unbelievable.

Sure you want to even bother with this turd?

Nancy66 Wed 04-Jun-14 16:21:51

It's fine. And if they want to trade the odd sex text and nude selfie then that's ok too...

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 16:21:57

OP, has he agreed to stop shagging her yet ? Or do you think it would be unreasonable of you to ask this of him ? hmm

Please think about whether this is actually a man worth getting over the pain of being cheated on for.

gamerchick Wed 04-Jun-14 16:23:07

Eh, why hasn't he done it already? Does he not use Facebook much?

Writerwannabe83 Wed 04-Jun-14 16:26:05

WTAF - if you actually think it's possibly ok for you husband to be FB friends with his previous OW then something isn't right in your head!

I can't get my head around how this could even happen!???

whatsagoodusername Wed 04-Jun-14 16:36:58

Unless he never-ever-ever-ever goes on Facebook and has not been on AT ALL since you found out about the OW, there is no excuse for his not defriending and blocking her.

YANBU. He shouldn't even hesitate to do it if he's committed to you.

whatsagoodusername Wed 04-Jun-14 16:38:21

You shouldn't have to ask. He should have done it when he cut contact and deleted her phone number and emails and any other form of contact.

ApocalypseThen Wed 04-Jun-14 16:39:57

If it was over the other woman would have done the needful here. She hasn't because she doesn't know they've broken up.

SlimJiminy Wed 04-Jun-14 16:46:26

YANBU. Agree that if OW thought it was over she'd have deleted/blocked him herself.

st273447 Wed 04-Jun-14 17:04:59

I know I shouldn't need to ask, but just wondered whether anyone would think it's acceptable.

I won't ask but like many above, have made the assumption that the commitment to our relationship isn't to be believed.

DeepThought Wed 04-Jun-14 17:07:29

Sweetheart has he given free access to all methods of communication so that you can reassure self that all is as it seems at any time?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 04-Jun-14 17:08:28

One of the first things the OW would most likely do if he'd actually ended it was take him off her friends list on FB. That she hasn't yet speaks volumes.... I'd be willing to bet it's not over.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Wed 04-Jun-14 17:12:03

Not even slightly acceptable!!!

Gobsmacked that he hasn't just done this already. I cannot believe he is putting you in the position of having to ask.

BravePotato Wed 04-Jun-14 17:13:34

Well, if he was committed to your relationship, you should not even have to ask.

bloodyteenagers Wed 04-Jun-14 17:17:39

Are you usually this much of a doormat?
Ask him. On FB with her tagged wtf they are still contacts. When he has already dumped her arse.

Fairenuff Wed 04-Jun-14 17:21:46

No contact is no contact. Has he actually agreed to this?

AllAboveBroad Wed 04-Jun-14 17:24:23

If it was over and she has any kind of dignity left she would have blocked him already herself.
Unless he just doesn't really use FB then he should have definitely deleted her. It may not have crossed his mind.
Mention it to him and judge his reaction to your asking.
But this does sound a symptom of you not being 100% he is committed or you wouldn't ask. And, sorry to say, there is no law against multiple profiles...

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 17:27:59

No, don't ask him

Tell him it's a condition of you even considering that he stands a chance at putting things right. And that the fact he hasn't done it without you prompting him is already a huge black mark against him.

JonesRipley Wed 04-Jun-14 17:31:46

Yy

OP

Find the strength to make demands on his behaviour. He betrayed you and you get to decide whether you get over that.

jeanmiguelfangio Wed 04-Jun-14 17:42:50

You need to tell him to do it. Nothing to do with asking. He doesnt need tl be friends with her on facebook, or have any way of contacting her, I think it should be a condition of your making things work.

brokenhearted55a Wed 04-Jun-14 17:47:33

Message her and tell her to unfriend your husband or else.
Let's see if she knows or not.

brokenhearted55a Wed 04-Jun-14 17:48:13

Better yet....tell her to block him. If she blocks him he cant ever find her on fb again.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 04-Jun-14 17:52:30

You should defriend and block your DH permanently, sounds like it will save you a lot if heartache in the future.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 17:53:01

Nah, I wouldn't be demeaning myself by contacting the OW on FB. Too Jeremy Kyle.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 04-Jun-14 17:56:30

No definitely do not contact the OW. SHE is not the problem, HE is.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 17:56:51

chip has the best plan

MostWicked Wed 04-Jun-14 17:59:00

I would ask him why he is still FB friends with her!
Ask him if he thinks that is appropriate.

OurMiracle1106 Wed 04-Jun-14 17:59:19

You shouldnt have to ask him to do it! He should have already done it!

SholerAndChocolate Wed 04-Jun-14 18:06:26

Nonononono. It is NOT the ow responsibility to make sure op's dh doesn't contact her again.
Don't demean yourself by contacting her. It's his responsibility to be faithful in your relationship and to do everything in his power to build the trust. IMO he should have already defrended and blocked, however I would give him the chance to now by telling him that's why he has to do. He needs to rebuild the relationship, he's te one that cheated.

SholerAndChocolate Wed 04-Jun-14 18:07:28

Chips plan sounds good! But failing that, he needs to defrended her at the very least.

RedRoom Wed 04-Jun-14 18:40:50

Absolutely taking the piss. What on earth is he thinking?! They shouldn't be 'friends' of any sort when he cheated on you with her. The cheeky sod.

QuintessentiallyQS Wed 04-Jun-14 18:42:52

My bet is that OW does not know it is over.....

PerpendicularVincenzo Wed 04-Jun-14 18:47:25

Definitely what Chip said. He's disrespecting you and not showing commitment to making things better.

CarbeDiem Wed 04-Jun-14 19:42:31

WTF? I'm shocked that you've any doubt about it.
Of course YADNBU.
He should have done it immediately. Does he have any brain at all other than what's in his fucking trousers??
You shouldn't have to ask him to defriend THE person he cheated with. He should be trying to move mountains to rebuild your trust - it sadly doesn't look like he is. Sorry op.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 04-Jun-14 20:18:22

Wow! Not often people agree with me.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 21:02:26

chip don't let your head swell too big

this thread is a bit of a no-brainer grin

Chippednailvarnish Wed 04-Jun-14 21:04:15

Every thread to me is a no brainer, just not everyone agrees with me!

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 21:12:11

Hey, that what I think too !--gets me into trouble sometimes--

RidgyTipper Wed 04-Jun-14 21:16:53

Honestly? It might be time for YOU to defriend HIM.

wheresthebeach Wed 04-Jun-14 21:36:11

Wow. I'd go berserk.

Janethegirl Wed 04-Jun-14 21:54:36

You either trust DH or you don't. The fb thing is really irrelevant. I personally will never give in to such an ultimatum. Even if I had intended to block a person on fb, being challenged would ensure I did not do it. I will agree I can be truly irrational at times though, cos I'm truly cussed.

Chippednailvarnish Wed 04-Jun-14 21:55:32

I normally agree with you Any.

Why don't you write on his wall " Dear cheating H, you're dumped"?.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 22:05:55

I couldn't be with anyone who stubbornly refused to do somethign easily within their power just to prove a point.

have you had any many successful relationships, Janethegirl

CerealMom Wed 04-Jun-14 22:07:43

Oh come on folks - where's the trust? I mean, it's just Facebook. They're not actually meeting up or anything. What's the harm ;-). Everybody's so uptight.

<chokes on sarcasm>

If it was DH, I'd of strung him up by his balls till they turned blue. Then the ow could have him and his blue balls.

littlegreengloworm Wed 04-Jun-14 22:10:12

LTB !!!!

The fact that he hasn't thought to do this on his own accord would be the sign that I would need to dump his sorry arse. With a smile and a big fat middle finger right in his face....SEE YA!

Have strength OP x

Janethegirl Wed 04-Jun-14 22:19:39

anyfucker yes I have, and have been happily married for many a year smile Whatever I'm doing works for us, even if it's not for you. However I trust my DH and he trusts me.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 22:27:14

I am glad to hear it, Jane. You must have budged an inch at least once in order to not purposely hurt your husband in that case.

Janethegirl Wed 04-Jun-14 22:29:51

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Wed 04-Jun-14 22:31:17

smile

MrsWolowitz Wed 04-Jun-14 22:37:53

Jane I can't help thinking someone who would be stubborn to spite the people they supposedly care about need to grow up.

OP YANBU. He is BVU!

FreudiansSlipper Wed 04-Jun-14 22:40:32

maybe he wants to keep in contact with her

even if the affair is not longer going on this is not a good sign

and its sad that your are questioning yourself over this

Janethegirl Wed 04-Jun-14 22:47:42

It's all about trust. Yes you can unfriend on fb but there are many other methods of communication if you really want too. Fb is not the be all and end all of communications.

MrsWolowitz Wed 04-Jun-14 22:50:30

It's all about trust.

Trust is earned. OP's DH broke her trust and should be bending over backwards to earn it back.

I think this is more about respect. Or lack of.

Janethegirl Wed 04-Jun-14 22:55:58

If the OPs DH wants to keep communications open with the OW he will. Is it not better for him to be upfront about it than use subterfuge? Should he tell the OP he has defriended her on fb then contact the OW by alternative means? If the OP does not trust her DH she should LTB.

Fairenuff Wed 04-Jun-14 22:57:18

It's all about trust

Absolutely.

Everyone deserves to be trusted until they prove themselves unworthy.

Once that trust is broken, they have to work pretty damn hard to regain it.

princessconsuelobananahammock Wed 04-Jun-14 23:22:29

YANBU

If the OPs DH wants to keep communications open with the OW he will. Is it not better for him to be upfront about it than use subterfuge?

How does keeping OW on FB preclude subterfuge?

This bloke doesn't even respect his wife enough to conduct his extramaritals under some sort of cover of darkness! I can't see how shagging someone else in plain sight is any way preferable to skulking around.

Even now she's found out, he won't take the basic step of severing contact.

She shouldn't need to issue an ultimatum - and the idea of refusing to defriend one's co-adulterer out of sheer bloodymindedness is just shock

Waltermittythesequel Wed 04-Jun-14 23:44:07

So the affair has ended and DH committed to our relationship

Yeah, I don't think so.

As for Jane, well, there's always one.

Janethegirl Thu 05-Jun-14 06:45:03

smile

WhereTheWildlingsAre Thu 05-Jun-14 06:54:56

Bottom line is at the very least, to get the trust and respect back, the husband should not be wanting to keep the lines of communication open at all. So She should be blocked on FB, full stop.

Keeping them open in secret is another issue altogether.

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