To not want to go to wedding without ds

(447 Posts)
BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:27:03

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

Is there anyone who could babysit for you so you can just go and have a good time and a bit of a relax.

Childfree weddings are becoming quite popular now and really it is up to them if they choose to do it that way so if you do have other options you are chucking your toys out the pram really.

Don't take it personally, it's nothing against your DS.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 03-Jun-14 10:30:34

I think you are being petty.

An eight month old with get nothing out of a ceremony, and will potentially disrupt the proceedings.

As you say, ds is already going with grandma for the remainder of the event so surely taking him for part ofit is more of a faff?

yabu.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 10:31:22

Maybe they didn't think they needed to specify before now that your baby wasn't invited as they had been told that your mil is babysitting.

Tbh, I think it's quite odd that you would have a babysitter for most of the day but not for the ceremony, the biggest part that has the potential to be disturbed by a baby.

What makes you think that they think you can't control your ds? Have they actually said that, or are you making that up because you're offended that not everyone finds your baby as endearing as you do?

I think YABU. Your DH would agree with you if he didn't think his mum would babysit any longer, so it sounds like you're just using that as an excuse.

Sanch1 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:31:48

YABU, if he's not going to the rest of the day, what difference does an extra hour make? I'd be happily leaving him with MIL and enjoying a nice child free day. You are of course perfectly entitled to not go if you dont want to but it seems a shame, especially as your DH is best man.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:33:52

Yabu and very precious. I think you're just looking for an excuse not to go. Why be so difficult?

""that they think I can't control my ds, ""

You can't control your DS wanting to get down, fiddle with things, be bounced, shouting out, if he is anything like me DN.

Even getting up to go outside disturbs the ceremony, but some Parents don't.

Your MIL will probably enjoy the extra time with him.

By your DS's age I had, had my DN overnight, full days etc.

Go and enjoy the break, celebrate without having to fit what you do around your DS.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 10:34:47

It isn't personal. Though I agree it's annoying that they have sprung this on you quite late in the day.

Sometimes the problem with childfree weddings is that they are being thrown by people who don't have children, and perhaps don't even have many nieces and nephews. As such, the problems people can have getting childcare for the better part of 24 hours, the difficulties of leaving your DC, all that malarkey which comes with trying to attend a wedding without your DC is just abstract to them. It's easy, before you have kids, to think "well, a grandparent or aunt can just look after the kids, can't they?"

I think your are being a little U, though. It's entirely their choice and if it is difficult for you to go without your DS then just don't go, but don't do it in a childish way.

Where is the wedding? Is it close enough that your DH can go to the day part himself, and you can join him in the evening while your MIL looks after your DS?

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 10:35:03

I think your DH is right.

It won't matter to you one bit if your mil looks after your son for a little longer.

I don't blame them for not wanting such a young child at the ceremony.

I'm not sure I understand, was the plan that DS would come to the ceremony and then DMIL would come and take him away for the rest of the day? Or will she be at the wedding too and looking after him in a hotel or similar. Either way you were going to be away from him for most of the day already. You would probably only be putting on MIL for another hour or so by the sounds of it. The B&G should have made it clear earlier that it was childfree. Maybe they just assumed that people wouldn't bring DCs unless they were named on the invitations, but as best man I would have thought you'd have had these discussions ages ago.

It's up to you really, and it's not nice if your DH is so unsympathetic but perhaps he really wants you there.

Sorry YABU.

You are wanting to miss the main point of the whole day. As others have said it will be an hour at the most.

TBH if you wanted to miss part if it then miss the evening do.

The ceremony is the actual 'wedding'. You do come across as wanted to 'party' without wanting to do the 'ceremony' and are using your ds as an excuse.

Peanut14 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:38:29

YABU, they don't want children-they're decision, end of. You are reading too much into it thinking that they are insinuating that you can't control your child. You are only making yourself look bad by throwing your toys out of the pram by saying you are not going.

bridgetsmum Tue 03-Jun-14 10:39:49

YABU
Agree with most other posters

Let your mil have the baby and go and have a child free day.
Your ds will probably have a great time with grandma xx

FatalCabbage Tue 03-Jun-14 10:39:50

Not unreasonable, but rather pfb and will not be understood.

From their perspective, you've got childcare for the bulk of it, why wouldn't you leave him for all of it? Looking after an oblivious baby at a wedding is honestly no fun at all. You will very likely be shushing and rocking outside for most of it.

A far better alternative would be for you to go to the ceremony to support DH, leaving DS with MIL, then going home to take over baby duties at a suitable break in proceedings (eg before evening do in a typical ceremony/meal/disco set-up). MIL gets a shorter period sitting, you see the important parts of the day, then DH can drink beer and do the Macarena safe in theknowledge DS is being looked after by you.

gorionine Tue 03-Jun-14 10:41:39

At least it is a no baby/children for all guests.

A few years back, DH's brother got married and DH was best man. ALL guests were bringing their DC's but DH was asked for ours not to come as they would 'distract him from his best man duties'. I have forgiven but I vill never forget.

BoftheP Tue 03-Jun-14 10:42:13

YANBU. Weddings are about family to me. Not allowing children to attend seems ridiculous for that reason. Dp was sent off to a couple of weddings on his own last year because they had a no kids rule.

gorionine Tue 03-Jun-14 10:42:40

YANBU BTW

Perfectlypurple Tue 03-Jun-14 10:42:59

Yabu. He is a baby and very likely to disrupt the wedding crying or something. If you don't go then they have paid for your food etc for nothing.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 10:44:08

Yabu, why would you want to miss the ceremony, the actual bit they get married? Just extend the time your mil has him then if you really want, leave for the evening do. You can't control your DS during the ceremony, babies are noisy, and you'll probably end up taking him out anyway.

To be honest your DS will probably have a great day with Granny.

gorionine Tue 03-Jun-14 10:44:39

Sorry YANBU to choose not to go but it would be U to go with DC regardless though.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 10:45:13

Yabu sounds as if you already had your mil lined up for babysitting so whats the difference? I take it she's not a guest?

It doesnt matter what you think. It doesnt matter if you think that your 8 month old wont interrupt the ceremony, wont make a sound, wont get bored, whatever.

He is not invited.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:46:33

I really feel so guilty though my mil looks after ds whilst I'm at work during the week and quite a few weekends, she probably wouldn't mind but it would dropping ds off at 11am instead of 3-4pm and then not returning to pick him up till the next day, I just think it's a lot to ask?
Btw there is no one else available to ask.
And yes I can control him and make sure he doesn't cry, shout etc he is really good when out but again I understand not everyone's lo's are.
I understand toddlers running riot but really a baby can't cause that much disruption, I'd just walk out if he did.
I have said maybe I could bring ds as planned then during the ceremony we will go for a long walk but dh thinks this will look like I'm being childish?

Damnautocorrect Tue 03-Jun-14 10:46:34

I'd feel the same as you but the rational side of me sees it's their choice and I'd understand. I think given you've already got a baby sitter for some of it you just have to go

Damnautocorrect Tue 03-Jun-14 10:47:35

Why not cut your evening short instead if your worried about mil?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:47:45

I'm not saying I don't go to all of it just the ceremony

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 10:49:08

As T and B says....

He is not invited.

Don't put them in an awkward position now by asking this and that.

You already had your Mil lined up ....if you feel that bad.... leave the night do a bit earlier so she doesn't have to have him all night.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 10:49:54

Why not hits talk to your mil and she what she says.

I think yabu for planning to miss the ceremony and only being there for the party. I love the ceremony bit, you know, where they actually get married...

The ceremony is the important part of it though. I don't get why you're prepared to leave your DS all afternoon and evening but not for the actual ceremony when there is the most potential for disruption/distraction. Either go for the whole thing or stay away citing babysitting problems and let a lot of people down.

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 10:51:01

If you don't want your MIL to take him for that long, then what you do it attend the ceremony and miss the party. Not the other way round.

ajandjjmum Tue 03-Jun-14 10:52:32

Your baby is used to being away from you (which I personally think is a really good thing!) and your DH is best man. Maybe he needs your support? If you MIL doesn't mind, plan to have a fun, baby free day with your DH! smile

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:53:36

I have suggested to dh that if his dm has ds from the morning then we should really leave early at the night, but he has gone mad at that suggestion saying he wants to party the night away (even though he would of just come back from a week in Spain on the stag do)

SpringBreaker Tue 03-Jun-14 10:53:56

"And yes I can control him and make sure he doesn't cry, shout etc he is really good when out but again I understand not everyone's lo's are."

I beg you to share this secret.. Every other parent in the world would love to know how you can do this with a baby.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 10:54:03

Yabu. It's not personal they just don't want babies or children there. That's their choice and don't see a problem. Your Ds will be fine. Not going just because your baby can't is just petty tbh.

LoonvanBoon Tue 03-Jun-14 10:54:55

I think they should have told you this much, much earlier, given that your DH is the best man & so a key part of the day - & presumably you were pregnant when they started planning the wedding?

My DH was a best man when our twins were 8 months old. The wedding was some distance from home & we didn't have babysitters, so we certainly wouldn't both have accepted a wedding invitation if babies hadn't been welcome. Having said that, DH did discuss this with his friend when he was asked to be best man just in case it would be an issue. Was your DH told that your son would be invited? If so, I think it's very bad form for his friend to change that policy with 3 weeks to go.

I agree with other posters, though, that in practice it's not that big an issue for you as your MIL is going to be there & is happy to babysit. And I certainly don't think it's about anyone's views as to whether you can "control" your baby - though I'll be the first to admit I couldn't "control" mine at that age! And at the wedding I mentioned above, I did end up missing the entire ceremony anyway as my twins chose to wait until a minute before it started to do explosive shits in tandem. I had to remove them & escape to the nearest loo / baby change to attempt damage limitation.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 10:55:14

I'd swap it around. You go for the ceremony and dinner, leaving DS with your MIL, then leave your DH to party the night away and you collect DS.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 03-Jun-14 10:56:15

You could leave after the reception and dh could stay on to enjoy the nught time.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:57:04

Plus we bought him a lovely suit to wear that cost a fortune which will now go to waste. They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

lucidlady Tue 03-Jun-14 10:57:06

YABU. It's their wedding - their choice. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. And I say this as someone who attended a child free wedding at the weekend, and left my PFB with her grandparents 2 hours away. She was fine, I was fine. It's nothing to do with you being able to control your child - who knows what floodgates will be opened if they make an exception for you? How many other children will have to be invited?

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 11:00:08

Well the fact that you bought him a suit is irrelevant really. He isn't invited to the wedding.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:20

Hang on why should dh get to party the night away but I have to leave early? It's mine and his baby we are both responsible for ds, it's my friends wedding as we as is, I disagree that I come home and he gets to stay! Like I say he will have just come back from a weeks holiday in Spain.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:22

Return the suit if you have the receipt....probably would have drove him mad wearing it anyway. I'm sure he will enjoy a day with granny.

bridgetsmum Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:43

Have you even asked your mil if she would be happy to have your ds for an extra 3 or 4 hours.
Probably won't make much difference, I know if I was babysitting for someone going to a wedding it wouldn't matter whether child was being dropped at 11am or 3pm.

ZenGardener Tue 03-Jun-14 11:03:20

I don't think it's a big deal if you don't go to the ceremony. I'm sure no one will notice. Just go in the evening as planned.

Ruebarb Tue 03-Jun-14 11:03:59

I don't see the problem - leave him with mil for the ceremony and the meal/speeches - pick him up in time to do his bedtime - evening dos are rather overrated - loud music and people getting drunk. You will be there for the important parts - ceremony and meal/speeches.
Can you take suit back to shop?

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:02

It woudo be incredibly rude of you to not go to the ceremony and then turn up for the meal and the party.

If you don't want to leave your ds for so long, then why can't you leave early and let DH get on with celebrating as best man. There's no rule that says you have to leave at the same time, and your mil can't be far away from the wedding if you were planning on dropping your ds off half way through.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:10

Don't leave early then....sounds like your mil has your ds quite often for you so probably wouldn't mind....

You don't sound that guilty to me.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:24

Spring breaker like I said he's a good baby he rarely cries/screams only if tired/hungry. I'm not asking them to make one rule for me etc etc I'm saying ok ds can't go but that poss means I can't!

you have it backwards IMVHO

Theres a very simple solution.

Drop ds with MIL for ceremony
Pick up ds, put him in his suit, go to evening part
Leave with ds when he is tired, dh can come stay and enjoy the night, as the groom is his best friend.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:07:12

Hang on why should dh get to party the night away but I have to leave early?

Because you are the one that's offended at your ds not going to the ceremony, and you are the one who's not happy to leave your ds for too long.

You presumably have the option of being there for the same amount of time as your DH, it is your choice not to take it.

If it's your friend as well as your DHs, then you should want to be there for the important part of the day, the ceremony, but you aren't bothered about that bit, so you shouldn't get to dictate which bits you are happy with and which bits you aren't.

whilewildeisonmine Tue 03-Jun-14 11:07:36

YABU. They've stated their wishes for their wedding to be child free and you, as a guest, must respect this. I think it's very rude to disappear for a walk during the ceremony just so your DS can wear his suit. What if they agreed to you bringing your DS, would it then be fair game for everyone else to bring their child?

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:08:24

Why don't you actually ask your mil if she's happy to have your ds a little longer and go from there before you start saying you can't go to the ceremony?

CoffeeTea103 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:08:48

Yabu and sound like a real pita. You just don't seem to get it.

HayDayQueen Tue 03-Jun-14 11:09:14

Why should you come back early and not your dh? Because leaving him is an issue for YOU, not for HIM. If YOU are unwilling to leave your DS, then YOU should be the one to look after him.

Blueuggboots Tue 03-Jun-14 11:09:22

How old are you??
You sound like a petulant child!
I'm going to a wedding at the weekend. My 3 year old WAS invited but I took the decision to not bring him because I would much rather enjoy a friend's wedding in a relaxed way, not chasing around after my son. 5 inch heels and a 3 year old are not a good combination
Your dh is the best man. So he needs to be there throughout it all. The next night out, you get to go to it all and dh gets to babysit.

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 11:09:58

Excellent suggestion Tantrums.

There you go, OP, your solution.

RiverTam Tue 03-Jun-14 11:10:30

I would ask MIL (or get DH to ask her) as she might be more than happy to have him. Or get a babysitter.

DH is the best man and so presumably a close friend of the groom, at least - you really can't ask/expect him to leave early. If you really can't get childcare then yes, unfortunately you'll have to leave at some point - that's how it works. If you were a bridesmaid it would work the other way around.

I can see it's annoying that they've announced this so late in the day, but I do think you can, if you want to, find a solution.

RiverTam Tue 03-Jun-14 11:10:47

oh, and take the baby's suit back.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 11:10:48

My DB had a small wedding and said immediate family only. I thought hmm this is going to cause problems as quite a big family but he stuck to his guns and sent invites out to immediate family. A couple of people were like hmm, are we not invited to the wedding but he just said no immediate family only. Nieces and nephews were allowed, siblings and partners, parents and GPS. It was a lovely wedding, one of the best I have been to.

Regarding child free weddings, It's the bride and grooms day and they only get one, have spent a lot of money so it is up to them. If you don't like it then don't go. If they allow one child then other people will say but it's a child free wedding so how is such and such allowed to take them. It's all or non, just like dbs wedding was no cousins or all.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:12:04

Oh come off it WooWoo - men do not have conscience when it comes to how long ds/dd is left for and who with and if we are taking advantage! As long as they get to let their hair down they pretty much don't care, so because I have the opposite attitude and do care he should stay and I should leave on my own!

whilewildeisonmine Tue 03-Jun-14 11:13:15

Have you actually asked your MIL?

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:13:17

If your ds in bed by half seven what's the problem. It's not like your MIL will have to do anything once he's in bed.

Go party

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 11:13:35

Was he actually invited to the wedding and the invitation is now being withdrawn or did you assume he was invited?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 11:14:26

Um..... My DH cares.

The last wedding we went to, he took DS off to bed and stayed with him and made me stay out with my friends. So don't generalise.

allhailqueenmab Tue 03-Jun-14 11:14:29

yanbu not to go. There is no obligation on you to accept this invitation.
I went to a child free wedding on my own when my dd was 18 months and I was working (like you) and I missed her terribly. The absence of children from the event meant that it was basically a grown up, standing up, cocktail party, I was pg and not drinking and very tired, stood up for hours on end, and was not even allowed to go to the lavatory at certain times! I hated it, I missed dd and honestly it's not like I was the life and soul and anyone would have missed me had I stayed at home and sent a nice card.

It is their right to invite whom they choose, it is your right to decline and wish them well.

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 11:15:12

Blimey OP, that was a pretty damning post about men. My DH doesn't fit into that gross generalisation.

SpringBreaker Tue 03-Jun-14 11:15:28

You sound a nightmare and martyr.

whilewildeisonmine Tue 03-Jun-14 11:15:33

Maybe your DH just knows it won't be a problem for his DM to look after DS and is looking forward to a bit of child free time, rather than not having a conscience?

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 11:15:46

OP you are being a massive PITA.

you have a perfectly good babysitter lined up. You said your MIL looks after him while you work so he will be quite used to spending time there.

Dropping him off at 11am instead of 3pm will make no difference- in fact how much of this is nap time anyway?

Get over yourself.

whilewildeisonmine Tue 03-Jun-14 11:16:05

Bowlersarm - neither does mine!

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 11:16:33

I just wouldn't go. Simple really, and nothing that DH can do about it.

I don't leave DD with babysitters now, and she's 9 (I do leave her with family). I didn't leave her with anyone at all until she was 2. My choice.

Bride and Groom are well within their rights to say they want a childfree wedding.
You are well within your rights to say you don't want to be seperated from your child.
No point in either party getting shirty about it, just act accordingly.

DH can go and be Best Man, you can stay home with DS. If you want to attend the evening do and you are happy to leave DS with DMIL, great. If not, you'll see DH the next day.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:16:52

Well I wish my dh was more like that

RiverTam Tue 03-Jun-14 11:18:52

wow, what an extraordinary post. This is not a gender issue, don't make it into one. Just because your DH is a man and (I'm guessing) not that baby's main carer does not mean he can't make perfectly reasonable decisions and choices with regard to his son. And maybe he knows that his mum would be thrilled to bits to have him overnight or whatever.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:19:40

I'm in the same situation.

A very good friend of my husband is getting married later this year and my DS will be just over 6 months. I asked them what their policy is on children attending and they said DS would be welcome at the church but not at the meal and not at the evening reception.

I wouldn't take him to the church anyway as the last thing I want is him to start causing a scene by crying.

She told me that nearer the time she'd let me know what time the meal/evening reception is taking place so I could arrange childcare hmm

I accepted what her policy was, said it wasn't a problem but that it meant I would not be attending any of the wedding but of course DH would.

She didn't reply, I don't think she's very impressed.

My DH said I should just turn up for the meal, leave our DS in the car park with someone to watch him (the wedding is a good journey away so I couldn't just leave him at someone else's house) and then once I've eaten go home again without waiting for the speeches. Ridiculous I know grin

I've told DH I won't be going at all.
He has said he's going to have a word with his friend as he doesn't class a baby as a child and said he won't need a seat at the table or any food etc and would be quite content on my lap. I've told DH to leave it as I fully accept people's rules when it comes to Weddings and children.

You have my sympathy OP

Could you not just go to the ceremony and the wedding breakfast and then go back to your DS i.e miss the evening reception? That way you won't be away from him for too long?

LoonvanBoon Tue 03-Jun-14 11:20:18

My husband wasn't like that either when our two were little. OP, sorry if your DH is as much of an arse as your last post implies - but that's a problem with him, not with this particular wedding or bride & groom. I can understand your resentment if he's always swanning off enjoying himself & leaving you to do all the childcare, but that's a different issue.

Have you actually said if this couple told you & your DH at some earlier point that your son WOULD be welcome, & then changed the policy - or if you just assumed? That does seem relevant to the question of whether you're being unreasonable to be pissed off with them.

As I said upthread, my DH was invited to be a best man when our twins were exactly the same age as your son, & he talked all this through with his friend before accepting.

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 11:20:48

I'm beginning to think you just shouldn't go. You sound like you might just sit there with a face like a wet weekend spoiling it for your DH and those who might notice.

There are solutions posters are suggesting, but you just don't seem to want to hear them.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 03-Jun-14 11:22:38

Yabu but to be honest it seems like you not attending is best for everyone.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:23:41

My mil is 68 years old I really think asking her to have him from 11am through till the next day is too much, of course she'll say yes but I will feel like WE are taking advantage.
I am 35 FYI lol
How am I a nightmare and martyr? I've said during the ceremony me and ds can sit outside or have a walk for an hour and then return when they come out for photos etc

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:23:54

Well if she went then she wouldn't be able to moan about her husband or the fact that she never gets to go out.

Some people just like to martyr themselves so everyone else looks bad when in fact there was an easy solution and the wedding couple were quite within their rights to want a child free wedding.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:24:08

So if you have such a low opinion of men, why did you marry one? How horrible of you to judge your own son then?
Seriously don't go, looks like you will spoil it for your DH and people around you anyway. Your poor DH, you sound like a pita person to be around.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 11:25:19

Hang on why should dh get to party the night away but I have to leave early? It's mine and his baby we are both responsible for ds, it's my friends wedding as we as is, I disagree that I come home and he gets to stay! Like I say he will have just come back from a weeks holiday in Spain.

Are you serious?

It's one night, surely your DH can spent one night with the groom at his wedding what with being best man which is an honour. You are not best man, he is and with that comes responsibilities. You sound like a spoilt child tbh. Why put a downer on it because you can't get your own way. Either find a babysitter or bring DS to the evening do (he will end up asleep in his pram) or leave early with DS and let DH stay as after all he is best man.

You are making it hard for everyone because you can't get your own way.

I want to stay and because I can't he can't so I am going to stamp my feet till I get my own way and he leaves with me, best man or not!

Unbelievable really.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 11:26:08

How am I a nightmare and martyr? I've said during the ceremony me and ds can sit outside or have a walk for an hour and then return when they come out for photos etc

FFS you have been invited to the ceremony but your son hasn't. You can't just bring him along and pick and choose which bits you attend hmm

SuperFlyHigh Tue 03-Jun-14 11:27:08

OP - I don't have kids and not married (2 big flames there) but have been at child free and child welcome weddings (with babies etc).

One baby did start crying during the service (had to be taken out by mum), another was quiet/asleep etc. I'm not saying there was less or more stress at the weddings with babies being or not being there but I do think it can add to the stress - especially at the service.

but at 8 months old you don't know what your child will be up to. If I were a bride I maybe just a bit on edge willing the babies there not to cry.

and your son's not invited. Its not personal it's just their choice. leave him with MIL and/or arrange childcare before/after.

SamG76 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:27:58

BB246 - I thought YWNBU, until the suit and the 7.30 bed time were mentioned. Now YABU. We took our kids everywhere as babies (weddings, funerals, etc) but never dressed them up.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:30:10

Well it's cloudy really - the invite did not say me dh and baby or child but at that time I was pregnant with ds, but I do distinctly remember having conversations with them about being excited for taking ds to the wedding being in suit etc etc and they said nothing! Now 3 weeks prior they none are allowed.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:30:24

Is there something wrong with your DH wanting to enjoy his close fiends wedding to its fullest, especially considering he's best man?

If you're that worried about your MIL, use child are while you work.

Maybe your DH isn't worried about it because he M&S his mum will be happy to have the weekend with her grandson, and because he's committed himself to being around that weekend to be a best man.

I was a bridesmaid recently, I'd have felt like a complete rude bitch telling the bride and groom that I could only be at half of their wedding because my DH wanted to control my every move to fit in with what he thought was best.

You're making excuses, badly. Go or don't go, but your child isn't welcome until the evening, so no, you can't go for a walk during the ceremony and then slide him in for the photos. That is not an option. And if you don't go, then don't kid yourself that you're doing the kind thing for your mil. Accept that you want to be in control and are stroppy because you can't be.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 03-Jun-14 11:30:29

Sam don't you know - babies are new must have accessory like toy dogs to be dressed up in costumes?! grin JOKE

SuperFlyHigh Tue 03-Jun-14 11:31:32

Actually OP - I do think although YABU so are B&G in not mentioning this 3 weeks earlier when you mentioned the suit, excitement etc.

I'd be pissed off if they didn't mention it either.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 11:31:54

How am I a nightmare and martyr? I've said during the ceremony me and ds can sit outside or have a walk for an hour and then return when they come out for photos etc

You are being a nightmare and martyr! No kids so what's the point of taking him stomping about huffy outside making everyone feel uncomfortable. You do realise if you turn up with him and do this you will look silly.

They have asked for no kids so respect their wishes instead of turning up with your kid and missing the ceremony. Why would you even go and miss the ceremony? What's the point

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 11:32:24

They've said children are welcome at night- that's not cloudy- it just doesn't suit you- there is a massive difference.

FatalCabbage Tue 03-Jun-14 11:32:46

Why does DH get to stay and you don't? Because he's the best man.

We're in a similar "who takes the DC out if they're noisy/to bed if they get tired" situation at two weddings this summer. Wedding one, DH's sister, he stays to party and I go. Wedding two, my cousin, I stay to party and he goes outside. Obviously. Nothing to do with genitals.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 11:35:32

Why does OP sound like a PITA?

She agrees it's B&Gs choice, is happy that it's their big day.

Her DH is being a dick.

She's worried about her DMIL.

She's offered to miss the ceremony.

Her DH is still being a dick.

She's suggested they don't hang one on in the evening to give her DMIL a break.

Her DH is stil being a dick.

She's disappointed that she cannot take her DS in his nice new suit, bought before the B&G changed their minds.

DH is about to go away on the piss for 7 days leaving her with DS, but is being a dick about leaving yet another piss-up early a week later.

Why is it that OP is considered UR here?

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:36:47

How is your MIL ok to look after Ds while you work but not while you go to the wedding.

Come 4:00 all she has to do is tea bath and bed. Not hard. It's really only an extra couple of hours then evening is all hers. Sure she can manage a bottle and some toast in the morning without keeling over.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:38:38

Of she was worried about her MiL she'd use child care confused

She wants to prove a point here. Husband sounds crap but she is choosing to martyr herself for emphasis

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:39:35

My days! Seriously my dh goes out at least every other weekend with his friends on a night out also goes out every other Sunday for his sporting hobby, also goes out twice a week in the evenings for pool and football, I'm definitely not stamping my feet and nor cracking the whip. We are both invited so we both go together / leave together! So because I've said I will sit out the ceremony part so as not to take advantage of my mil and then return after it I'm being all of the above things???? Petty, childish, martyr, nightmare. I live in the real world, if I were to tell dh that his mil was going to have our ds for a 2 nights so we could go on one big bender he would be booking the taxi's before I could finish the sentence, that's all I'm saying, women tend to worry more than men FACT

KEGirlOnFire Tue 03-Jun-14 11:39:38

I struggle to understand this to be honest.

We said no DCs at our wedding apart from my two DNieces who were bridesmaids.

I didn't want our memories of our ceremony to be of screaming children. I have a DD now and would never have taken her to a wedding when she was younger, it's not fair on the bride and groom. I would also not be offended now if we went to a wedding where children were not invited. It's not a day for children.

YABU

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 11:41:06

but she is choosing to martyr herself for emphasis

Why use such emotive words?

She doesn't want to leave her DS with her DMIL for longer than she has to.

What part of that is martyring herself?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:41:17

Thank you LtEveDallas

The reason LtEve that people are saying that the OP is being a PITA is because it is coming across as wanting her cake and eating it.

She doesn't want to leave da to go t

Sorry posted to early...

She doesn't want to leave ds to go the cerem

T

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 11:42:51

because it is coming across as wanting her cake and eating it

How exactly?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:42:54

Gileswithachainsaw I only let family babysit whilst ds is still a baby

To go to the ceremony, but wants to go to the party.

The OP is happy to leave dis with MIL when she goes to work, but to leave him with her for an extra 45 mins or so is 'too much'

But you say that your MIL is used to having your DS at weekends anyway so surely you are just so reluctant to ask her this weekend is because you simply don't want to go because your DS has not been invited.

I think it would be best if you just miss it all, you will have a face like a slapped arse and really to miss the ceremony to take your DS out for a walk is just pathetic. Either go and enjoy it or stay at home and play the martyr.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:45:03

Her issue with the dh is clouding her thinking over the wedding.

Your dh will go regardless, the choice here is if you join him or whether you wrap up the fact you don't wanna leave Ds and want to emphasise just how shit ur dh is in false concern for a mother in law who is funnily enough fine to have him any other time but sitting down stairs watching tv while the baby sleeps at half seven is suddenly too much

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 11:45:46

ltevedallas you chose not to allow anyone to look after your child for 2 years- that's your prerogative but that isn't the situation here.

The OP is quite happy leaving her son with MIL when it suits her- just on this occasion it doesn't suit her.

The husband might not be an angel but he is the Best Man FFS . Why should he leave early?

The OP is being unreasonable because at best she's using her son as an excuse not to go to the ceremony or at worst, deciding the B&G's wishes don't apply to her.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:46:05

She agrees it's B&Gs choice, is happy that it's their big day.

No she doesn't, otherwise she wouldn't be trying to slip her baby in for the photos which are happening before the evening when children are actually invited.

I really can't see how her DH is being a dick because he wants to take up a childcare offer that is being happily offered.

She's worried about her DMIL.

Which may be valid, but as she hasn't actually asked her mil and is happy for the mil to do childcare while she's at work, four extra hours can't be that much of a concern.

She's offered to miss the ceremony.

Which is incredibly rude seeing as how she still wants to turn up for the food and the party, and that she thinks missing the ceremony makes it ok for her to bring her ds before he's invited.

You mist be reading a different thread to me.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:47:19

I'm definitely not stamping my feet and nor cracking the whip. We are both invited so we both go together / leave together!

Except you are happy to arrive separately because you don't mind missing the ceremony!

Seems that only apples when it suits you!

Writerwannabe83 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:47:36

I do think it's a bit petty to imply that if you have to leave so should your DH. It's not very fair really.

I have told the B&G that I won't be attending any of the wedding but I certainly wouldn't stop my DH from going.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:47:37

The op is using her son as an excuse, to create a situation for other issues she has with her DH.

bridgetsmum Tue 03-Jun-14 11:47:59

Oh FFS

just go or don't go, but stop making ridiculous excuses.

How can you be happy to let your mil provide childcare while you work but be so reluctant to let get have a couple of extra hours for the wedding?
You clearly are hacked off because you want to dress your ds up in his suit, which for a 9month old is clearly for your benefit, not his, and show him off.

Your ds will be much happier getting spoiled by grandma in a comfy clothes than in some stupid I'll fitting. suit

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:48:52

Coffee tea....exactly

Because LTEve

The bride and groom have said no children. Their choice. OP is happy to attend the party without ds but not the ceremony confused

As for the DP being funny about leaving early, he is the best man and part of the 'wedding party' tbh if I was the groom I would be a bit muffed if my best man left do early.

I am also a little confused as to how a 8 month old can tell the time as they are a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

If the b&g had said children are invited and now they aren't then that is different, but there is nothing on the invitation to say that they are.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 11:50:00

extra 45 mins

Think you have misunderstood.

The "extra" is from 11am to 4pm and then overnight.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:50:56

Are you saying she cant cope now but it's better for you as it's family?? confused

Well either she's ok to look after him or not. An extra couple if hours is nothing.

So your not happy with the arrangement just you have hang ups about nursery?

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 11:52:03

"My mil is 68 years old I really think asking her to have him from 11am through till the next day is too much...I will feel like WE are taking advantage"

That's perfectly valid, however it doesn't really sit with the fact that you are happy for her to have him "whilst I'm at work during the week and quite a few weekends"

If you're concerned about taking advantage of her, and her age, you need to rethink using her for childcare for work and at weekends, not worry about a few extra hours as a one-off for an important wedding.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 11:52:24

The "extra" is from 11am to 4pm and then overnight.

And he's likely to be asleep for part of that- what's the big deal?

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:53:35

Can you ask your mil to do the full day and night? but then refrain from putting on her <other than your work cover> and not ask for extra favours for next few months?

That way you could still get to go and relax?

you absolutely CANNOT take your ds to the ceremony, and then sit outside with him whilst the actual ceremony goes on.

The only reason to do that would be to prove a point and so everyone knows that your ds wasnt invited but you came anyway but you wont make a fuss, you will just sit quietly outside.

And then the bride and groom will feel so guilty that they will say, dont be silly come in.

And then all the people who didnt bring their dcs because they were not invited will be pissed off that your ds was there.

Personally, if my best friend was getting married and I had a young baby, I would expect dh to take the baby home when he was tired and leave me to celebrate with my friend- I would do the same for him without thinking twice.

If you are upset that your dh has a lot of free time to go and socialise then address that. I think you should both have time to yourselves, not one person out all of the time and one stuck at home.

But this is a different situation IMO

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:54:11

I think you all are mis reading it! My mil will have him she would have him permanently doesn't mean I would ask her to! She has him while I work 3 days a week for 4-5 hours. She also has other grandchildren inbetween my ds on other days. We do already put on her too much and gave recently cut down because of my conscience.
Yes of course I wanted our ds there to see his df all dressed up and proud at the ceremony but yes I understand it's not our big day it's theirs!
I have told dh either I can ask mil to have ds from morning through till evening and then WE return early or I miss out on ceremony part to be with ds then mil can have him for longer in the evening so WE can both stay till later. But dh says I'm being awkward either way and should just let mil have ds all day/night. I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:55:46

Your Dh does sound a bit selfish to be honest.

Your mil sounds wonderful though.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:56:19

Flowery when ds starts being more mobile around 12 months he will be put in to nursery mil is aware of this so we are very aware of how much we are putting on her

Writerwannabe83 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:56:26

Or could childcare be split?

I.e grandma has him for the day but then another relative has him from early evening and then overnight?

Or vice versa?

It might not feel like such a big ask then?

Catsmamma Tue 03-Jun-14 11:57:15

OP is giving lip service to the feelings of others, only because she wants to get her way.

there's plenty of ways around it, but none of them involve the one thing OP wants which is to take the baby in his suit to the ceremony. So OP is peeved.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 11:57:31

What part of that is martyring herself?

By taking ds to the ceremony which he is not invited to and then walking about outside with him and joining in for photos. It's a child free wedding so why turn up with DS and miss the ceremony instead walking about outside with him

Or by not leaving DS with MIL because he is not invited to the ceremony even though MIL watches him anyway and is normally happy to do so.

Or not allowing DH (best man) to stay at the evening do as she won't leave DS whos bedtime is 7.30 with MIL so will leave early to collect him. If she does take him to evening do she will leave earlier and DH Wi have to leave with her.

Everything about it is playing the martyr and being awkward.

I can't get over taking ds to a child free ceremony and walking about outside with him whilst dh is inside as best man then slotting him in for photos shock

What about all the other people who have left their kids at home and respected the couples wishes then op turns up with ds in a suit to sit outside the church. Why would you even think about doing this and causing a bit of a scene or make the bride and groom uncomfortable. Very strange imo

MrsJoeDolan Tue 03-Jun-14 11:57:32

actually I think you have MIL's best interests at heart (which is nice) but really, no, you can't take a baby to a ceremony and sit outside with him, lovely and all as I am sure he is.

Your DH does sound particularly selfish though, maybe your response is based on this.

paddyclampo Tue 03-Jun-14 11:57:36

When my kids were younger, even if they'd been invited I'd have gone without them and enjoyed a bit of peace smile

OP is there more to it than you're making out? I've been the wife of the best man at a couple of weddings before and it was a bit weird not being able to sit with DH. Didn't really matter as I knew lots of people at the wedding but if I'd hardly known anyone I don't think I'd have felt great about it.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:58:57

And if he was a year away toddler I'd agree. But babies are easy. She's gotta make him some lunch let him sleep and then shove him
Out in the garden to crawl around or something, really not hard work.She can do her gardening or just catch some rays.

For a one off wedding it's not a lot really.

Joysmum Tue 03-Jun-14 11:59:12

I'm definitely not stamping my feet and nor cracking the whip. We are both invited so we both go together / leave together!

Er no, you're happy to arrive separately because it fits with with what you want. You're not prepared to leave separately because it doesn't.

The sooner you see it's YOU with the problem the better for everyone else involved.

well you are being awkward to be fair.

Why cant MIL look after ds for the ceremony and you collect ds and go home afterwards?

Your dh is best man. Why is it up to you what he does, hes part of the wedding party, you and ds are NOt

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 11:59:21

But if you feel you are putting on her too much, why use her for childcare 3 days a week? Ditch the regular childcare now if putting on her is your concern, not the one-offs.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:59:27

Omg, you have no idea how ridiculous you sound. It's very convenient your conscience kicks in now. What nonsense about wanting your DS to see his father all dressed up, won't he see him before. He's not even a year old, it's hardly something he will remember. Your excuses are sounding worse the more you explain.
Admit it, you're being difficult intentionally. Your DH is happy for HIS mother to take care of your child, why aren't you. Seriously your reasons are all so flaky.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 11:59:40

Tear away

*Your Dh does sound a bit selfish to be honest.

Your mil sounds wonderful though.*

Sorry but in this instance I really don't see how he is being selfish... He is the best man. It may be different if he was just an ordinary guest.

Could you not return home between the ceremony and the evening do.

I really can't see why you are insisting on having to leave together.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 12:01:57

Op describes her Dh as someone who puts on his mother quite a bit for childcare....without giving it much thought.

This is what I meant by selfish.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:02:02

Plus I would take him to the night do if I thought he would be ok, but he doesn't sleep when there's noise so we could only stay for a bit and he would have to have a late bedtime, plus the night bit is for adults anyway, drinking dancing the occasional alcohol fuelled brawl etc not a place for babies really but they are allowed to this part?!
That's why it was just easier for me to say to mil we will leave him with her from the afternoon onwards.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 12:02:08

What's the difference between a nursery now and in a few weeks time?

If your so worried out him in a nursery. Mobility starts now so what's the difference

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 12:03:32

Your MIL sounds like a good one BettyBoo and it's nice of you to think of her. It's hard isn't it? - My MIL still offers to do stuff for us/for DD, but we know (and she knows) that she simply can't.

Your DH sounds like a lad on the piss, and pretty selfish. As long as he's alright he doesn't care if you / his DS / his mum aren't

I think I'd give the whole thing a miss - he can go off and get as drunkensinglemanwithnochildren as he likes, you can have a night without seeing his sulky face and without feeling guilty about putting on his mother.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:04:38

I have told dh either I can ask mil to have ds from morning through till evening and then WE return early or I miss out on ceremony part to be with ds then mil can have him for longer in the evening so WE can both stay till later. But dh says I'm being awkward either way and should just let mil have ds all day/night. I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

Why does DH have to leave with you when he is best man. It's one night. Do you not understand you are going to make he bride and groom uncomfortable. I bet they are regretting asking him to be bast man now. Maybe you should tell them dh can't stay at the do so they have the option of asking someone else to be best man who can stay and join in with the celebrations. You are making this into a massive drama as you can't get your own way.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:05:01

I'm asking for him to compromise like all parents have to!

Except in this instance there is an alternative- it's just you don't want to take it.

If, after 6 pages on here and the fact that only 1 person is on your side, you still don't think UABU then there's no convincing you.

You are going to look like a self centred twat if you turn up with your son at the ceremony and making the best man go home early is also going to make you look pretty selfish when both situations are completely unnecessary.

I'd love to know if you'd be happy to let MIL have your son all day if you were bridesmaid at your best friends wedding........?

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 12:06:02

Tbh, it really does sound like you either don't want to go to the ceremony for whatever reason and are looking for an excuse, or are cross that you don't get to take your son in his suit to the ceremony and are looking for a way to make a point about that.

Oh come off it WooWoo - men do not have conscience when it comes to how long ds/dd is left for and who with and if we are taking advantage! As long as they get to let their hair down they pretty much don't care, so because I have the opposite attitude and do care he should stay and I should leave on my own!

Stereotyping or what! Most men DO care. You have just got yourself in a hole over this situation and don't seem to be able to stop digging.

Do you want to go to the wedding?

^Your DH sounds like a lad on the piss, and pretty selfish. As long as he's alright he doesn't care if you / his DS / his mum aren't

I think I'd give the whole thing a miss - he can go off and get as drunkensinglemanwithnochildren as he likes, you can have a night without seeing his sulky face and without feeling guilty about putting on his mother.^

A bit ott. He is best man!!!

halcyondays Tue 03-Jun-14 12:08:30

Surely what anyone does when invited to a wedding, if they don't want to put upon their babysitter too much, is go to the ceremony, meal and then leave the evening do early enough to pick up the child? Not miss the ceremoney, and then go to the rest? That would be weird. But if they are willing to have them overnight, then a few more hours probably wouldn't make much difference?

If someone really is happy to keep them overnight, then great,but plenty of people leave weddings earlyish to get back to their kids. It does sound a bit childish of OP's dh to go mad because he wants to stay and party all night. But then only he and OP know whether it's asking toomuch really, some 68 year olds would be fine with this, some wouldn't.

LayMeDown Tue 03-Jun-14 12:08:48

I was bridesmaid recently for my oldest friend. We had childcare in place. If there was a sudden change at the last minute and my H had started being awkward about back up arrangements to the extent he would have wanted me to leave early on some principal that he couldn't leave alone, I would have been furious. Because she is my best friend, on one of the most important days of her life. It was important to her and me I was there. It was an honour to be asked to stand at the alter and accompany her up the aisle. I found the day more emotional than my own. It is an EXCEPTIONAL day. If DH did anything else but row in to ensure I could be there for her it would have caused a lot of problems.
Of course he didn't, he took extra time off work so I could go to the wedding venue the night before. He liaised with my mother on the day to ensure smooth handover of kids, and he got down on time to stand smiling in the church to see me walk up the aisle in front of her. And he had tissues because after a lifetime of shared memories he knew this was one of the biggest to share with her.
That's what supportive partners do. Facilitate things that are important to each other. Not enter into some type of power play to make a point.

Is there another reason that you do not want dh to stay and you take ds home?

If it was the other way around and you were in the wedding party of your best friend, would you want your dh to take your ds home while you enjoyed the evening?

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 12:14:50

If it is so obvious that OP is Being Unreasonable and there have been over 100 posts saying so, why are people still posting that she is being unreasonable?

Does the piling on and joining in with a kicking make things better for OP? Is she more likely to completely change her mind and agree with you the more harsh words and namecalling there is? Does OP deserve to be called a twat, selfish, childish et al?

Those of you posting exactly the same as 100 people before you - why are your words more important than the previous 100 posters? Arrogance?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:15:59

Look my dh gets to go out enough he never complains about being not allowed to do anything in fact most of his friends can't believe he goes out more than them and they don't even have kids, I don't go out too much but that is my choice I certainly do not sit and play the violin for myself. My point of us leaving together etc is that we are both invited, both attending, both celebrating, both have a baby!! I'm not selfish, controlling or any of that, I simple do not want to take advantage of my mil. Fine maybe suggesting we go for a walk during the ceremony is on hindsight a bit stupid I just thought if it was a nice day it would be ok for us to do that! But I've said either me and ds stay at home then I'll bring him to the reception (with mil) and she can take him back for dinner and bedtime and we stay, then she will of only had him from like 3-4pm. Or I drop ds off at mil's in morning me and dh go to the whole thing and then leave around 8/9 to relieve mil, I know u say once he's in bed it will make no difference to mil but it's the fact she will av to get up in night he if does and he's an early riser at like 5-6am so I just think it will be a lot if she's had him since the previous morning

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:17:28

Likewise lteevedallas, what makes your opinion so much better than everyone else's hmm

but OP the second option-coming for the evening with ds and having MIL take him home sounds like a fair compromise, why is your dh not happy with that?

RiverTam Tue 03-Jun-14 12:20:04

it is not a fact that women worry more than men about their DC - that's just your take on your situation (which from what you've written sounds fair enough).

The fact that your DH is gadding about rather more than you would like him to generally speaking has nothing to do with this wedding - sort that one out separately (are you going to? Or are you just going to put up with it?).

DH is the best man. He gets to stay as long as he/the groom would like him too. You can too, if you like. If you don't like, the go home early and pick him up. But please do not make DH leave early, that is so selfish of you in this instance.

It's nice that you're concerned about your MIL but she sounds pretty sprightly, and she's an adult, so unless there are real health concerns (also, is there a FIL on the scene helping out?) just ask her if she could do this as a one-off, or ask another family member. But don't use this as an excuse to get your own way.

BalloonSlayer Tue 03-Jun-14 12:22:02

Well I wouldn't have left any of my 8 month old babies with someone else for a day and a night just to go to a wedding. I was BF but it's not just that, I just wouldn't have wanted to leave them full stop. So it's a YANBU from me.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 12:24:27

Likewise lteevedallas, what makes your opinion so much better than everyone else's

Its not, and I've never said it was Bearbehind, I just don't feel the need to be a bitch about it. It's unnecessary.

ThinkFirst Tue 03-Jun-14 12:24:54

Thing is, although you are both invited you each have very different roles in this wedding. You are just a guest, your DH is the best man. He has a role in the wedding party, you do not. He has commitments to the groom and expecting him to leave early because you don't want to leave your DS for that amount of time is unreasonable.

It's a wedding, a one-off occasion, either ask your MIL to have your DS longer or stay away. Do not turn up, hang around outside the ceremony and expect your DS to be in the photos, and don't take your MIL to the reception with your DS either unless she has an invite too.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:25:32

Yes that is a lot for MIL if he still wakes in the night. Is there no other family, siblings who would be willing to keep him on the evening and MIL has him for ceremony.

I have taken mine to a few weddings for the evening do and tbh by the time people have cooed over then and they have had a play they have flaked out in the pram even with music and noise. Why not try him, If he starts playing up you can just leave or take him to MILs while you go back for an hr with DH.

oh i missed that bit. IS your MIL invited to the evening part?

halcyondays Tue 03-Jun-14 12:26:30

I wouldn't have wanted to leave my 8 month babies for a day and night either (not that there was anyone who could have taken them anyway)

But it's not that the op didn't want to leave her baby overnight, she was happy to leave him from 3p.m to the next day, but not from 11a.m because she thinks it's asking too much of her mil, who seems to be quite happy to take the baby.

PrimalLass Tue 03-Jun-14 12:27:50

I don't think the B&G will be friends with you for much longer if you pull a stunt like this. Are you seriously expecting your DH, as the best man to leave early because you are having a hissy fit?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:27:59

Ds isn't mobile now! This has nothing to do with the wedding! My mil has had ds since I started back work about two months ago and we all discusses when he is mobile we will put him in nursery because it's a lot to run around after a toddler all day at that age, I understand that hence why we will be putting him in nursery in possibly 3 months time!
bearbehind lovely language! Really is no need for that your mother never teach you how to get a point across without lowering yourself to use such disgusting words.
FYI no I would EXPECT anyone to have my ds all day and night just so I could go out and party. I would feel the same if I were bridesmaid. And yes I do actually want to go I have been looking forward to it

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 12:28:18

Stand your ground. Don't go. End of. It's someone's poxy wedding, not a court summons. Fuck em.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:29:42

ltevedallas The OP asked if she was BU- the very vast majority of people think that she is but she continues to stand her ground and add in more feeble excuses.

If she had no intention of listening to others views/ opinions then why bother posting?

People have RTFT, they aren't just wading in based on the
OP, they are commenting on the OP's updates- what's wrong with that?

Yes some of the language might be harsh but if she had no intention of changing her views- what does it matter?

You are bitching about the husband! calling him a dick etc (with very little evidence), why is that necessary?

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:30:29

But its not a party op, it's your dh best mates wedding which is totally different to a piss up.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:31:36

Yes mil is invited but she barely knows them so is happy to go or not to go. I really do not have anyone else I could ask unfortunately.

isabellavine Tue 03-Jun-14 12:32:30

You are being extremely unreasonable.

I am not a big fan of child-free weddings, but I am the kind of person who had a very ordinary, tiny registry office do with no trimmings. I can see how someone who has spent thousands getting everything perfect would not want a child screaming or running around all the way through the vows. It's the couple's right to decide these things.

The answer is really simple: either find someone to look after your child for the duration of the ceremony (an hour, max?) or go outside the church and play with your DS while the wedding is on, then join in afterwards. It's not that hard. Don't do what you are doing, which is to use this whole situation as a power play in a running battle with your DH. You're better than that.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:34:16

bearbehind lovely language! Really is no need for that your mother never teach you how to get a point across without lowering yourself to use such disgusting words

I used the word twat, not multiple words and I do think it is required to emphasise how unreasonable you are being.

What do you want from this thread?

You think you are right, most people disagree- what are you going to do differently?

Nothing I suspect.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:35:08

I would leave him with MIL, go to ceremony. Let him have a good afternoon nap then take him to the evening do. There will be so much going on he will probably enjoy it and being made a fuss of. Take MIL and DS to evening do if they have an invite. When he gets tired take him somewhere quiet and push him in pram till he drops off them push him back in and Sit on a table in a quieter park of the room. This has always worked for me and they have stayed asleep.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 12:35:55

You are bitching about the husband! calling him a dick etc (with very little evidence), why is that necessary?

He's not here, he's not reading it. I am ONE person saying that (as you have pointed out) and not 100. My POV seems to be a lone point, whereas everyone else is just piling in saying the same thing over and over. You think her "excuses are feeble", I think she is simply trying to explain herself.

DH is sulking with OP, so I think he's a dick. He is kicking off about not having yet another night on the piss (after having 7 nights on the piss the previous week), OP has offered a couple of alternatives but he wants it HIS way, so yep, he's a dick in my eyes.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:36:27

I am listening to other peoples views but slating me and judging me is uncalled for. I have took onboard the waiting outside the church with ds is somewhat a stupid idea in hindsight. I'm not going on my close friends the brides hen week in Spain as it's the same week as dh's stag week, I wouldn't have anyway because I couldn't leave ds for that long, but still I have compromised, I'm asking aibu to expect him to compromise? It's the night bit there are no further duties of the best man needed there!

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:39:06

Bearbehind I've just said I've realised taking him for walk during the ceremony now sounds stupid!!! I'm not saying I'm right everyone's wrong, ppl are saying why can't you do this that and the other and I'm simply explaining why!

Paq Tue 03-Jun-14 12:39:54

Men do not have conscience when it comes to how long ds/dd is left for and who with and if we are taking advantage! As long as they get to let their hair down they pretty much don't care

You lost me at this I'm afraid.

Any you're making it into a much bigger deal than it has to be. If your MIL already looks after your DS then she will be fairly practiced at it, a few more hours won't make any difference.

68 is not old / frail.

Dressing an 8 month old in a fancy suit is ridiculous.

If you don't want to leave your lovely son for that long, just say so. It's fine to feel that way, it's normal and natural and no one should criticise you for it. But don't make excuses for it.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:40:05

If the above doesn't work out then take him home and leave DH at the ceremony. He is best man and you really shouldn't ask the best man to leave early. It's a one off and the wedding has nothing to do with separate night outs he's Is having. It's not fair on the B&G to make their best man leave and if you are you really should tell them so they can make changes if they have to. Look at the bigger picture, it's their one off wedding day, do you really want to be remembered as her who spoiled the wedding because when wouldn't take her son home without her DH. It really sounds like you resent the fact he can stay and you have to leave with son if needed which is fair enough but that's not the B&Gs fault is it.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:40:26

I'm asking aibu to expect him to compromise?

Yes because it is an unnecessary compromise and you chose not to go on the hen week- you can use not attending something you had no intention of going on as an excuse and reason why your husband should do what suits you now.

What exactly will going home early achieve? Your son will be asleep.

If it bothers you that much why can't you be at mil's house at his wake up time in the morning?

Paq Tue 03-Jun-14 12:40:37

Any = and

Infinity8 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:41:06

I don't think the OP id being U.

Yes, it is entirely the choice of the b&g to have a child free wedding, but they shoukd understand that people who have kids may not be able to stay for the whole event due to child care considerations.

I am with the OP in that I think her h should not dump on his mum or expect the OP to do all the childcare for a baby that is as much his responsibility as hers.

I think she's gone above and beyond in letting him piss off to Spain for a week long stag - I wouldn't have tolerated that from my dh.

I think it's time he was forced to grow up and take care of his own kid instead of acting like he hasn't got one!

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 12:42:20

OP I wouldn't go either. Weddings have little meaning to me and quite frankly bore the arse off me. I would be glad to have an excuse not to go.

I also don't understand child free weddings, if you must see marriage as a reason to celebrate, why are you excluding important members of your family? Makes no sense to me and I would judge someone who made a big deal out of insisting on a child free wedding. Yes I understand about fancy meals and costs but there are ways round that.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:42:25

everyone else is just piling in saying the same thing over and over.

On that basis every thread on here should be a maximum of 3 posts long

OP
I agree
I disagree

End of discussion hmm

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:42:29

If the above doesn't work out then take him home and leave DH at the ceremony

ThinkFirst Tue 03-Jun-14 12:43:52

You want to leave early, your DH wants to stay late. Compromise isn't you making your DH leave early with you, or your DH making you stay late with him. Compromise would be you leaving early and your DH staying later, that way you both get what you want. Why is it so important that you are joined at the hip and leave at the same time?

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 12:43:57

People on MN consider weddings sacrosanct, when in real life, other than immediate family, no one really gives a fuck you're getting married.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 12:45:22

He doesn't wake for a feed or anything it's just teething but it can b exhausting the next day if you are not already use to be sleep deprived. I just worry too much that it will be too much for her! My dh is going a music festival the weekend after and has asked mil without me knowing if she will have ds for that which she of course has said yes to! I'm at a friends baby shower that evening and was leaving ds with dh but now he's going to that so mil will have him again that evening!

Viviennemary Tue 03-Jun-14 12:46:16

Why should this couple's wedding ceremony be potentially disturbed by a baby. It's not about you or your baby it's about the couple getting married. TBH just stay at home if you are stressing about it.

I also don't understand child free weddings, if you must see marriage as a reason to celebrate, why are you excluding important members of your family? Makes no sense to me and I would judge someone who made a big deal out of insisting on a child free wedding. Yes I understand about fancy meals and costs but there are ways round that.

Because it is the b&g choice. They can make that decision if they want to.

I would judge someone who brought a child to a weeding that screamed so loudly through the service that people couldn't hear the vows.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 12:48:35

It is a party, just another party. All this 'best man' being akin to being a sacrament is ridiculous.

It's just so done to utter a few lines of garbage before drinking. BFD.

They changed the rules and made it childfree.

I wouldn't want to leave my baby that age overnight just for someone's party. So say no.

Wedding not weeding

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 12:50:38

Are you resenting the fact he can go to the stag and you can't go to the hen because you can't just up and go if you want to And have to think about sorting your ds out. Obviously you are NBU if this is the case, it would piss me off as well. Because of this you are understandably pissed off again that he gets to stay and the reception but you have to leave. I think this is what the problem is. He can just drop everything and go off where as you can't. The problem is he is best man. If he wasn't I would say YANBU (apart from the taking son to ceremony in suit bit ). Because he's best man I think on this occasion you will have to let him stay BUT you need to talk to him about just leaving you to go off whilst you can't do the same.

They changed the rules and made it childfree.

I haven't seen anywhere that they have changed the rules.

I really can't see that such a big deal is being made of this. It is one day plus no one has even asked the most pivitol person in this the MIL!

Needaninsight Tue 03-Jun-14 12:50:53

I don't get at all why you're not jumping up and down at the prospect of a child free afternoon???! Bizarre! grin

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 03-Jun-14 12:51:42

I always thought there were laws about prohibiting entry for anyone for the actual ceremony.

Something about not forbidding witness.

In theory random strangers could just rock on up and attend your wedding ceremony not the fun stuff after just the service

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:52:43

expat why are you always so down on any type of party invitation? Do you never accept any invitation on principle?

In this instance the B&G have made it clear children are welcome in the evening but not before- that's their choice and hardly too much to ask.

The OP is trying to get her husband to leave early when it is completely unnecessary and especially rude as he is the best man- that's the problem here- it's nothing to do with the wedding itself really.

OP i dont think this is about the wedding really.

If your dh wasnt out all of the time with his friends, drinking, music festivals, etc, I think you wouldnt bat an eyelid leaving him at the reception and taking ds home.

But its not the case, is it?

I do understand a bit more where you are coming from-honestly I think you need to take the wedding out of the equation and deal with the issue, I think it will build more and more resentment the longer it goes on.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 12:55:43

It says in the OP that the groom 'now said' it's childfree.

I'd see this A&E a great excuse to stay home.

I find overnight/abroad stag/he do's and all these silly production-style weddings stupid, self-absorbed crap.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 12:56:42

Because a party is about the guests as much as the host.

I go to loads of piss-ups.

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 12:57:47

I agree entirely with expat. I am totally hmm at why we are all supposed to get so in to other people's choices and inconvenience ourselves greatly for them. I would never demand or expect this.

OP your DH sounds really selfish and I am not surprised you don't wish to accommodate him and his wishes. I wouldn't either.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 12:58:24

It's amazing how many AIBU threads quickly morph into a very different problem.

OP, the issue here isn't so much the wedding as your DH.

He sounds like the one who doesn't want to change his lifestyle at all because he has a child.

He is best man and so overall I would say that for this wedding then in your situation, I would compromise and leave him there and go and get DS.

But I'd expect some serious time off or night out in return with him doing sole care because it sounds as though you are missing a good friend's wedding too.

If he's the one making decisions that don't factor in who is going to look after your DS, he is the problem.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 12:58:53

It says in the OP that the groom 'now said' it's childfree.

They never told the OP children were invited all day- her child wasn't even born when it was initially discussed.

As far as I can make out her son was never invited until the evening- the rules haven't changed it's just they're not what the OP wanted.

*It says in the OP that the groom 'now said' it's childfree.

I'd see this A&E a great excuse to stay home.

I find overnight/abroad stag/he do's and all these silly production-style weddings stupid, self-absorbed crap.*

The OP however says that there was noth

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 12:59:03

why are you excluding important members of your family

No-one is excluding family members. The DH is a friend.

OP the issue of your DH going out constantly is completely separate.

Nothing in the invitation that says they are invited.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 13:01:03

Then she assumed. But they 'now say' it's childfree. Fair enough, so don't go.

The husband sounds like he cares more about his friends than his family.

I think that people are saying OP is unreasonable because she seems perfectly happy for her MIL to have her baby when she wants to go off out but she is just using her as an excuse when it is something she doesn't want to do.

Just don't go. Let your DH go and you can stay home with the baby.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 13:01:31

Because a party is about the guests as much as the host.

But what's wrong with only inviting children at night- a lot of parents would be grateful of a children free afternoon including a meal.

I understand it's not everyone's ideal situation but you can't please everyone.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Tue 03-Jun-14 13:02:04

You'll spoil a wedding, cause a rift between these people and your husband, and everyone will remember you as being the psycho who spoiled the wedding.

Since you clearly won't change your mind, enjoy. People have long memories and you won't be viewed as some crusader of child human rights, just that sad nutty lady who ruined it for poor B&G.

I personally wouldn't want this image, but you sound like a total drama queen.

FeelLikeCrying Tue 03-Jun-14 13:03:07

I agree entirely with expat. I am totally at why we are all supposed to get so in to other people's choices and inconvenience ourselves greatly for them

What a strange view. It isn't some random party it is their wedding confused

If someone had certain religious beliefs or had made the 'choice' to be vegetarian etc would you say the same then.

nahidontthinkso Tue 03-Jun-14 13:04:06

Op i kind of get why you are reluctant for MIL to have DS for so long.

DF used to look after DS while i worked. I used to hate asking him to have him so i could go out as i didn't want to put on him more and i felt like i was taking the piss. Therefore i didn't have a social life for the 18months DF had DS for me.

This is a one off. I don't think YABU to ask MIL just for a one off.

If you really feel uncomfortable then like others have said, pick DS up for the night do and take him home early.
YABU to expect DH to leave the wedding early though to take DS home. He is best man so he has to be there til the bitter end really. He might not ever get to be best man again so let him let his hair down for this wedding then crack the whip at the next grin

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 13:04:47

No but I don't equate flouncing around in a big white frock demanding that everything goes MY way to the examples you give.

FFS ask the MIL. My DM is the same age as your MIL and would jump at the chance to have my dear niece more.

Suggesting that they may not cope at 68 is a little patronising.

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 03-Jun-14 13:06:12

OP, their isn't a general consensus about child-free weddings, but the most reasonable opinion I've seen is that if the Bride and Groom want child free, they will have to accept that some parents won't be able to attend. Then, it's down to the invitees how they want to manage it with regards to who stays with the children and who goes to the wedding.

That, up to that point, you staying home is perfectly reasonable.

However, it does sound from your OP that you're not satisfied with that.

Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

This is where you're being unreasonable. There's no 'if' about it. DS is not coming. It's their wedding, and he is not invited. If you say 'if he's not coming...' it appears that you want them to alter their plans to suit you. Moreover, it looks as though you're offering it as an ultimatum.

they think I can't control my ds

This is pure projection and is why you have people thinking you just want to be offended. They haven't said any such thing. If they'd said children are welcome apart from BettyBoo's, then that would have been a judgement and an offensive thing. They've said they don't want any children there. They've said absolutely nothing about your ability to parent, nor have they implied anything about it. They've said they don't want children at their wedding, which might be for any one of several reasons (maybe they or someone close to them has just lost a child?), but you've chosen to take it as a personal slight.

scallopsrgreat Tue 03-Jun-14 13:07:18

I'm with LtEveDallas here and I think you are getting a hard time tbh. The problem is not with the invitation (although it was off of them to just mention the arrangements 3 wks beforehand) but with your DH. Sounds like he's pretty selfish in many aspects of your relationship and also happy to offload childcare onto anyone else.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 13:08:29

No but I don't equate flouncing around in a big white frock demanding that everything goes MY way to the examples you give.

FFS how is only having kids at the evening do 'demanding everything goes MY way'?

In fact you'd be as bad for demanding your child should be allowed to attend or else you're not coming.

FeelLikeCrying Tue 03-Jun-14 13:10:08

Never seen such a mountain out of a mole hill.

Either go or don't go but I seriously wouldn't take your dad to the ceremony if that is against their wishes, especially if family members have children who aren't there.

If you do take your ds expect it to cause issues with your friendship.

It is a one off. If you have issues with you DH partying on other occasions than address that, but I think as you can see from this thread you have probably 'picked the wrong fight'

basgetti Tue 03-Jun-14 13:10:18

I think it's understandable that the OP doesn't want to put her MIL out too much, especially since her DH has now abdicated his childcare responsibilities to her the following weekend too. It sounds like his life is one long party. I wouldn't leave my baby overnight for a wedding either, and I certainly wouldn't care about the impact that had on such a selfish husband.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 13:10:28

Grateful? For what? If you want to be childfree then hire a sitter and go out. You don't need a reason.

A wedding is a party. That's all it is. A voluntarily-staged party. Not greater or lesser than any other party. M

Give me a break she will 'spoil' the party by not being there.

They won't even notice.

A rift? She should have caused one long ago because she's married to an arse who cares more about his friends and going out than his family, but that is another issue entirely.

Stinkle Tue 03-Jun-14 13:12:32

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right

DS was originally invited to the ceremony, with 3 weeks to go the B&G have moved the goal posts.

DH is going on a week long lads holiday to Spain

OP doesn't want to take the piss with MiL so is reluctant to ask her to look after DS from early morning right round until the next morning

As a compromise, OP has suggested:

To avoid leaving DS with MiL from early morning, she stays with DS, misses the ceremony and goes along later - DH doesn't like that

They leave DS with MiL early, both OP and DH go to ceremony but leave together 8/9ish to collect DS so MiL doesn't have him all day and over night - DH doesn't like that either

I don't see that the OP is being unreasonable here.

DS is as much the responsibility of the DH as the OP, having already had a lads holiday to Spain the previous, why does he get to ditch all responsibility for his son again? Why isn't he expected to leave early so the OP can stay with her friends?

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 13:12:52

It would have to be a massively dull wedding aren't they all? it will be if the best mans wife not being in attendance because she is staying with her baby "spoils the wedding".

StillFrigginRexManningDay Tue 03-Jun-14 13:13:10

Oh for goodness sake either piss or get off the pot. Ds is welcome in the evening, if that doesn't suit you then tough titty. Your other option is to leave ds with MIL who he is well used to.

magentastardust Tue 03-Jun-14 13:13:27

I would agree with you normally that you could both leave the party early as you are both the parents and your DH seems to get plenty of non parental , free time on nights out and stag trips etc, however on this occasion he is the best man so I think it would look a bit rude for him to leave early. If he agreed to the role he should fulfil it.

I also don't think you turning up with DS at the ceremony is an option, he hasn't been invited and they have specifically stated no children, no matter how well behaved your DS is you have to accept that. If they let your well behaved child attend it means they also have to say yes to xyz children who may not be as well behaved and may be more disruptive-they can't win really.

Do you really want to go to the wedding -do you get on with the Bride and Groom?- from your comments you seem really upset that your DS is now not invited -I can understand your frustration but it almost seems like you want to make a point to the Bride and Groom by not attending. I'm not sure they will even notice as they will be so wrapped up in their big day -so it will be yourself and your DH that you will be spiting.

Is your MIL babysitting really bothering you that much ?-my folks are now 70 and I don't like to ask them to babysit for long periods as I feel its too much and they do help me out occasionally through the week -I do agree with what you are saying, however it seems that she does a lot of a baby sitting for you and DH over weekends anyway-Why not compromise on one the upcoming individual events instead and give her a break but let her babysit this one as it is one that you and DH and share and enjoy together.

If you really can't leave your DS with MIL for more than a few hours I would suggest going to the ceremony and wedding breakfast as the ceremony is the important bit and you would want to be there for DH and his speech at the meal. Then you could leave at around 7pm/8ish.
You have said your DS goes to bed at 7.30pm though so the evening part shouldn't be too taxing for MIL ?

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 13:13:59

But I wouldn't be demanding my child went Bear I just wouldn't go and I wouldn't think twice about it.

WingDefence Tue 03-Jun-14 13:14:05

"women tend to worry more than men FACT"

I know you said this hours ages ago, but for this comment alone, YABU.

MaidOfStars Tue 03-Jun-14 13:16:04

People on MN consider weddings sacrosanct, when in real life, other than immediate family, no one really gives a fuck you're getting married

I think, judging by this comment (which, in various forms, is repeatedly flung around), that MN appears to encompass two polar opposite bodies of opinions on weddings. Of course, there are the precious bridezillas. But I have never, on any other website, seen such callousness displayed towards those who do think marriage is important and/or desired, who do want to mark that day with a massive fuck-off party and who may choose to spunk however much cash they want on a big dress.

You may not give a fuck about anyone other than parents/siblings/children getting married but I don't think this is a majority opinion. As I say, I've only ever seen it asserted so aggressively on this website.

I care very much about the weddings of family members and friends equally. I even care when work colleagues are getting married, fancy that? I enjoy being there to see two people so totally in love that they actually don't give a fuck whether I am there or not smile and I quite like having a nice feed and a bit too much vino in the evening. Weddings don't bore me.

And like any other ceremony that marks an important part of someone's life, it matters not one jot whether I think it important or not...

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 13:16:22

Grateful? For what? If you want to be childfree then hire a sitter and go out. You don't need a reason.

Jeez- I meant they might be pleased they could enjoy the day without looking after children.

I think that chip on your shoulder about every wedding/ party being a invite not a summons is now so ingrained that you jump to the conclusion that the party hosts are BU whatever the facts.

As others have said, the OP clearly begrudges the amount of time her husband spends going out but picking his best friends wedding as the time to make her point is unnecessary and selfish.

MaidOfStars Tue 03-Jun-14 13:17:25

OP, I genuinely don't understand why you are so unwilling to leave before your husband. Perhaps it's another in a long line of nights out that he gets to have, but I don't think this is the occasion to put your foot down.

magentastardust Tue 03-Jun-14 13:17:42

Because on this occasion stinkle the DH is the best man. At any other wedding I would agree but he has said to the couple he will be their best man -he needs to really fulfil his 'job'. It wasn't really fair of him to accept if he didn't plan to be at whole wedding.

I think OP should just get on with it this time and compromise on this occasion, and then have a chat to her DH about how often he is out compared to her and come to a fair agreement moving forward as that seems to be a big issue. It sounds like it isn't a very 50/50 set up,

PunkAssMoFo Tue 03-Jun-14 13:18:08

Despite all that you say op, it really does seem like you are being difficult. DH is best man so should be there all day. Yes it may be a lot for mil, but it is a special occasion. In sure if your friend is so dear to you, you would accept mil babysitting all day & go. If you choose to leave early you really should not expect dh to on this occasion, it's not fair on b&g.

Perhaps return the suit for a refund/ exchange & don't drink at the baby shower next week so that you can return to look after ds. Maybe dh does need to take more responsibility & not go to festivals at the drop of a hat, but this is not the same.

If dh has dn's, could his siblings not help for a few hours?

You need to accept that dh as best man is going all day. You have no reason not to go, unless you choose not to. It really is that simple.

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 13:19:00

Good for you stars and I really mean that smile. I'm glad you get happiness out of weddings and enjoy them.

However I don't agree that those who feel that way are treated unsympathetically as evidenced here on this thread where those who love weddings and think they're important are by far the greater number. I find that on every thread about weddings tbh.

Groovee Tue 03-Jun-14 13:21:11

I think the person you really need to discuss this with is your dh! He is Best Man and there may be things the bride and groom want him there for near the end.

Personally I would probably leave my children with their grandparent and enjoy myself. Or not go until the evening.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 03-Jun-14 13:21:43

Oh for goodness sake either piss or get off the pot. Ds is welcome in the evening, if that doesn't suit you then tough titty. Your other option is to leave ds with MIL who he is well used to.

^ This.

I honestly don't know why you are making such a massive deal out of this - it seems to be just another occasion where you and your DH are relying on your MIL for childcare. It sounds like you have the issue with how much you are using her, and neither your DH or your MIL have a problem. So you need to take the consequences, I guess. And if you genuinely don't want to attend the ceremony with DS then of course you are not U to do this, it's up to you.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 13:22:34

Wind your neck in. It's another party. If you don't like the parameters of the party, then don't go.

Some people don't like dress-themed parties, so they don't go.

Some people are fussy eaters, so they don't go to dinner parties.

So e people like to drink at parties, so they don't go to ones too far to walk if they cannot arrange other transport.

Some people don't enjoy being away from their young children or babies very long, so they don't.

Very simple.

When you it for what it is, an invitation to a party, a voluntary event, then I don't see the big deal with declining if you don't care for the parameters of it.

Meh.

Stinkle Tue 03-Jun-14 13:23:41

So, he's Best Man.

Then the OP's suggestion of her missing the ceremony then coming along later means they won't have to leave early and can both enjoy spending time with their friends

My DH has been Best Man several times. His 'job' ended with the first dance.

nahidontthinkso Tue 03-Jun-14 13:24:41

I have said maybe I could bring ds as planned then during the ceremony we will go for a long walk but dh thinks this will look like I'm being childish?

But they don't want children there. You have to respect this.

MaidOfStars Tue 03-Jun-14 13:26:13

However I don't agree that those who feel that way are treated unsympathetically as evidenced here on this thread where those who love weddings and think they're important are by far the greater number. I find that on every thread about weddings tbh

Understood and agreed. However, it has seemed from my observations (over several wedding threads) that those who don't feel this way - who exude a visceral and instinctive dislike of anything wedding-related - take an almost sadistic delight in bursting bubbles of happiness of those who do want to talk about weddings and budgets and guest issues and so forth. The opinions expressed by the naysayers are (in my opinion) far more extreme and you can almost hear the delighted cackles as they are typed

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 13:26:33

When you it for what it is, an invitation to a party, a voluntary event, then I don't see the big deal with declining if you don't care for the parameters of it.

But the issue here is that the OP 'doesn't care for the parameters of the event' so she's trying to change them. That's very different from just declining.

HeeHiles Tue 03-Jun-14 13:28:27

I was listening to Vanessa Feltz on the radio the other morning. There was a summit on Gangs in London and V was discussing what we can do to prevent gangs.

A caller phoned in and made a really interesting point about where society is failing our children and how we are pushing them out - One example she gave was how children are banned from family events - i.e Weddings from an early age our children are marginalised, excluded and the long term effects of this eventually leads to children looking for a place where they are part of a 'family'

I'm not saying OP's beautiful baby is now going to become a gang member because of not being allowed to one wedding but a lifetime of events like this eventually take their toll and the consequences are what we are living with today.

Maybe we should be thinking more carefully about this 'no children' policy that seems to becoming more popular these days? As I child I remember family weddings where there were loads of children all playing a spilling fizzy drinks on the dance floor - happy days!

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN. In my experience most people are very happy to join in and celebrate the most important day in the life of their friends even if it does mean a little expense and / or inconvenience.

MaidOfStars Tue 03-Jun-14 13:30:50

As I child I remember family weddings where there were loads of children all playing a spilling fizzy drinks on the dance floor - happy days

shudders wink

SpecialAgentFreyPie Tue 03-Jun-14 13:31:01

I'm a slow typer. My post about OP spoiling the wedding was to the effect of her taking her son for an awkward walk during ceremony. When I'd posted, she'd (thank goodness!) seen what a terrible idea that was!!

I'm usually very 'weddings are a family affair' and have a bit of a whine to DH about it, but I would be very judgey of anyone who forced a baby into a wedding they weren't invited to. I honestly would think that person had lost their bloody marbles. Just trying to show OP how people will likely perceive her.

I wonder how many of the women who won't attend a wedding without their DC now were child free when they wed? grin

I'm a hypocrite. Had a family friendly wedding, hate child free ones but will still go after a moan about people not liking kids.

NickiFury Tue 03-Jun-14 13:31:06

Well personally, as a non wedding enthusiast, I don't mean to come across like that but I honestly don't comprehend the fuss and maybe that appears blunt. I also think that the immediate rants of selfish! and get a grip! that invariably appear on these threads make people feel that they have to put their point across strenuously. That's certainly how I feel.

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 13:31:11

So originally you were going to take him to the ceremony, not the meal & then to part of the evening reception?

And you were going to stay late at the evening reception & leave your son with MIL overnight?

Now he's not wanted at the ceremony & you think that you should both leave the evening reception earlier & scrap the overnight?

I think that that sounds fair enough tbh.

Lanabelle Tue 03-Jun-14 13:31:26

If you don't like it then don't go, Not everyone likes children and its not about controlling your son, hes only 8 months and anything could happen.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 13:32:09

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN.

I think there is some truth in that sentiment where bridezillas demand the same level of excitement about every detail of their day as they have, months and months in advance.

But on the actual day I think those who attend are happy to be there and enjoying the day.

dancinggerald Tue 03-Jun-14 13:32:56

I wouldn't haive left any of mine at 8 months, but as you're happy to leave him with MIL, I don't see what the problem is with ds not going to the ceremony. Sitting through a wedding ceremony is hardly going to be quality time with him anyway. And if she looks after him for a lot of weekends anyway, it's going to come across as a bit odd that you don't want to ask her that particular day. Can't you swap another time when she would be having him, to that weekend?

I did think that "no children" weddings usually made an exception for small babies though.

CoffeeChocolateWine Tue 03-Jun-14 13:34:24

Haven't read all replies so this may have moved on, but actually I think it is unreasonable of the couple to inform you just three weeks before the wedding of the no children policy if up to that point you had thought that your DS was invited. They should have made it clear in the invitation that the invite was just for your DH and you and that children could not be accommodated.

'...and that they think I can't control my ds.' Did they actually say that? That's unnecessary. They should have just said 'no children, sorry' but they made it personal which is rude.

But, obviously it is their day and they are not being unreasonable in their request for no children...they can do what they want for their wedding. But they could have handled it better by the sounds of it.

I don't think you should not go because your DS isn't invited...it's a bit petty. It wouldn't be a big deal for your MIL to look after your DS for a bit longer. I think you should go and enjoy yourself and support your DH as best man.

StillFrigginRexManningDay Tue 03-Jun-14 13:35:50

I am also wondering, say you bring your baby to the ceremony where are you going to put him when it comes to taking the photos?

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 13:38:13

Go to the wedding. Leave DS with MIL in the morning. Pick DS up after the wedding breakfast in his suit, let him have a couple of hours being oohed and aahed over. Leave when it's DS's bedtime, let your DH stay and see his best man duties through to the end. This is not the time to make a stand about his general socialising when he has one of the key parts to play at his best friend's big day.

After the wedding, drop the martyrdom and passive-aggression, sit down and have a grown-up chat with DH about making some changes to his out-every-other-weekend habits, about him stepping up and being a bit more of a father and husband and no longer trying to outdo his young single childless mates.

I'll admit the "no one gives a fuck" thing did cross my mind with a former colleague who was fretting about the colour of the napkins 6 months ahead of the wedding, but when it comes to the big stuff, the invitees, the logistics of the day, then yes, most people do care enough to make a bit of effort and are happy to be part of it.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 13:45:35

I've never come across this "no one gives a fuck about your wedding except you" attitude in real life either, only MN.

Me neither. I find it a little odd, to be fair. Sure, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and they smile politely through discussions of table favours and seating plans, but pretty much everyone I know is just pleased to be invited and happy that their friends or family are getting married.

I've never come across anyone in RL either who gets morally outraged about invites. They might find particularly strange or OTT ones amusing, but there's little point getting your knickers in a twist. If you can't go because of money, work, distance or childcare, just politely decline and wish the happy couple the best.

Though in the wider scheme of things no one will really notice too much if the OP can't go to the whole do.

kungfupannda Tue 03-Jun-14 13:45:41

I think you're being very difficult about this, OP. You have several options - you just don't like any of them, and it does rather seem that you've taken umbrage about not being able to take your baby along, looking lovely in his little suit, for the whole event.

You are clearly able to leave him with your MIL, and she is willing and able to have him, so you already have considerably more flexibility than many people in this situation. You say 'but she's 68' as though that's akin to being 108. My lovely MIL is only a few years younger than that, and is entirely fit and healthy - probably fitter than me at the moment. You're content for her to have your baby during the week, so she's clearly not infirm.

You could take him for the evening, and leave when he gets cranky. There's absolutely no reason why your DH can't stay, except that you don't want him to. He's the best man - not just a random guest. It would be odd and rude for him to disappear early, when he doesn't have to.

You could go to the ceremony and pick him up afterwards. You could go back to your MIL's place latish and stay there, so you're there to do any night-wakings. You could ask her to drop him off with you after the ceremony.

There are various ways forward. If you don't want to take them, then don't. But it would be very churlish indeed to prevent the best man from participating in the entire wedding, simply because your baby isn't invited to the ceremony.

JustGrrrrrreat Tue 03-Jun-14 13:45:42

Fwiw your dh sounds like a cock who thinks his life doesnt have to change when you have kids

Putting that aside. For THIS issue yoi are wrong. It is the wrong time to make a stand. If you are going to miss any part of a wedding you have been invited all day to then you should miss the evening.

I personally would ask mil to look after ds in the day buttake him to the bit he is invited to. Chances are he will suprise you and fall asleep in buggy then you can all go home together at the end of the night. If not you can go home with the baby. Your DH is the best man! (He is being a cock about the music festival, every other weekend and hobbies though.)

SanityClause Tue 03-Jun-14 14:03:24

Your husband is a dick who has not taken on board that he is a father with responsibilities to his child and the partner of his child, and can't go out on the piss every time he fancies it.

His mother obviously enables him to do that, in that she will agree to take DS whenever he asks her to.

You also enable him with your "but that's just what men are liiiiike" attitude.

It isn't what all men are like, just your dick of a husband.

That's your problem, not the fact that your friends are having a child free wedding.

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 14:09:29

Am i missing something here? If children aren't invited until the evening why do you assume you can take DS to the wedding breakfast? In my book evening means from about 7ish after the meal and when the dancing etc starts. You've said he needs to be in bed by 7:30 so what bit exactly is he going to attend??

KatieKaye Tue 03-Jun-14 14:12:33

Sounds like OP asssed DS was invited and when she mentioned it (and the suit!) in front of bride and groom they didn't know what to say.
There are loads of choices here, but OP has set her heart on her way or the high way. The only person she is hurting is herself. She wants other people to compromise for her. Best just not to go rather than spoiling the day for everyone.
And the idea of sneaking DS into the photos... Really? Why?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:17:47

Katie I never suggested sneaking him in for photos lol! I'm not arsed about the photos that's the boring bit for other guests! I was just going to disappear for abit with ds whilst they did the ceremony part, as this is the bit they don't want babies/children!

LoonvanBoon Tue 03-Jun-14 14:18:04

Great post, Sanity.

BlondePieceOffFluff Tue 03-Jun-14 14:29:01

OP, if you are still around:

I do not agree with your POV with regard to men, they are lovely and great fathers many of them

Other than that, I think you are not being unreasonable.

Buying a lovely suit for a little boy is completely cool, especially with a bow tie, bow ties are very cool for little boys.

Having a child-free wedding is riddiculous, and especially banning babies is beyond riddiculous.

Your husband is best man, but first and foremost he is a father, that must always come first.

I think your concern for your lovely MIL is legitimate, more and more so reading your updates. Someone said that 68 is not frail, but with all due respect that is very individual. Some are fit as a fiddle at 90, others are frail long before time. I suspect you are a better judge of your MIL's condition than us reading and commenting on your thread, so I trust your assessment on what might be a bit too much for her.

Your husband sounds like he has not quite taken onboard the responsibility of being a parent. I cannot see why he can't leave early with you. I am sure the groom will be able to get through the wedding night without your husband's handholding.

BlondePieceOffFluff Tue 03-Jun-14 14:29:53

Ah, nice to see you are back OP, x-post.

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 14:31:48

Oh, I've come across a lot of people in real life who are not fussed about weddings, especially the older I get.

It's a party. One day.

Meh.

jacks365 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:32:34

Op you were the one who mentioned bringing him back for the photos.

CarolineKnappShappey Tue 03-Jun-14 14:32:41

So this wedding;

8 month old in a suit...
Drink fuelled brawls...

You stay classy!

expatinscotland Tue 03-Jun-14 14:33:33

And yes, your husband is still behaving like Jack the Lad.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 14:36:00

They don't want babies and children at ANY of the day.

You said dc were welcome at the evening.

It's not turn up....go for a walk....photo opertuntity maybe....half the wedding breakfast....out for speeches.... Back forth....

It's all day....

IsItMeOr Tue 03-Jun-14 14:45:45

I can't understand the big drama.

No way will an 8mo enjoy a wedding ceremony, or be able to register that his dad is dressed up.

It sounds to me as if you have got carried away with the idea of DS being part of the wedding ceremony in his special suit. But for the ceremony, everybody will be - rightly - focused on the bride and groom.

My suggestion is that you drop DS off with MIL before you and DH go to the ceremony. She then joins you at the reception, handing DS over to you as planned.

Everybody gets to ooh and aah and admire DS's special outfit.

MIL takes DS home at 4ish as previously planned.

Yes, it's a bit more toing and froing than you first thought, but hardly a major change.

This single day is not the issue that is taking advantage of your MIL - it's all the other times your husband is putting upon her so that he can sustain his OTT social life.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames Tue 03-Jun-14 14:47:46

Miss the ceremony - that's the boring bit. Then enjoy the day with your DS and then enjoy the party and have some couple time with your husband.

They won't miss you at the ceremony and you have a very good reason to miss it , especially with the late notice of it being child free.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 14:50:34

I'm not arsed about the photos

Really is no need for that your mother never teach you how to get a point across without lowering yourself to use such disgusting words. grin

merlehaggard Tue 03-Jun-14 14:51:21

I hate child free weddings, and probably in a few years time, so will this couple when they are having to find childcare. I think that if you really don't want to ask for your son to be looked after any longer, then I would not go to the ceremony and then drop DS off as planned for you to go to meal/speeches etc. But I would do this without moaning and look like I was quite happy with the arrangement.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:51:54

Arsed is abit different to "twat"

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 14:53:15

I was just going to disappear for abit with ds whilst they did the ceremony part, as this is the bit they don't want babies/children!

Seriously OP, which part of 'children are only invited in the evening' do you not understand??!!

They are not invited to the afternoon do or the photos or the ceremony.

You really are just being a massive pain now.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 14:55:18

Arsed is abit different to "twat"

In your opinion- I think that this thread has demonstrated that the reality is you think what applies to everyone else, doesn't apply to you.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:56:59

CarolineKnappShappey let's hear it then what would you dress your ds in for wedding? Tracky bottoms, hoodie, fancy dress, skirt, dress, Santa Claus, let's hear what a classy lady would dress her son in for a wedding ceremony?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:58:03

Yh no your right arsed is definitely as rude insulting and disgusting as Twat!

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 14:59:18

Bearbehind I've already said 5 times I'm not going to do that anymore I was just explaining to another poster! Jeez

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:00:06

And actually they have said children and babies are welcome once the ceremony has finished being videoed.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 15:01:43

Actually there are parts of the country where the word Twat is considered as bad as the word Cunt. It has been the subject of MN threads. Personally I wouldn't use either, less I be thought as one (or the other).

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 15:01:59

They're being polite....

My suggestion earlier of you and Dh attending and letting your very kind mil take ds for the entire nuptuals...

Then not asking her for any additional childcare for a few months....

What did you think of that?

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:03:02

I know that, but you still appear to be working on the assumption that they would be happy for your son to be their when the ceremony is over- they won't.

I'm not actually sure twat conveyed just how unreasonable I think you are bring- it certainly hasn't changed your outlook has it?

Graze22 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:05:04

It's their wedding they can do what they like. If someone told me tht all guests were required to wear hot pink to their wedding id think they were right nobs, laugh about it with DH and then go, wearing hot pink, not complain and have a jolly good time.

Also your DH takes priority here. He's the best man regardless of whether he has been on the stag do he has to stay and support his best friend.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:05:13

And actually they have said children and babies are welcome once the ceremony has finished being videoed.

Drip feed- you said children were only invited at night?

You are clearly going to dig your heels in over this to suit yourself as the reality is you just don't want to go.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 15:07:07

OPs first post Bearbehind "who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony "

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 15:07:57

I think Op does want to go.

jacks365 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:07:57

Bearbehind that's not quite true the op does want to go but she wants to take ds in his suit to show him off and have everyone cooing over him

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:09:09

But also said They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30 so most reasonable people would assume they weren't welcome until the evening.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:09:55

grin jacks

This is drip feeding at it's best.

I think, like others that you are now digging yourself in deeper hole.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:11:10

My dh's suggestion is now to leave ds all day and night with mil (overnight too) I just think it's a bit much hence why I was trying to find other options. If I'm a 'twat' for that then fair enough and self centered for not wanting to take advantage of family members then so be it

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:13:11

If I'm a 'twat' for that then fair enough and self centered for not wanting to take advantage of family members then so be it

Give up the martyr routine- it's tiring.

Don't you see the problem is the fact you are happy for you MIL to have your son when it suits you but not now that it doesn't?

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 15:15:29

I think your Dh has probably got the right idea with this one.

However.... he needs to be less over zealous with his utilisation of mil for babysitting....you said she does whilst you are at work and weekends.

Get her a lovely thank you and some peace for the coming months.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:17:15

Yes jacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding, that's the real issue lol! My point stating I had got him a suit was that of they had told me earlier than this I would not of gone out and spent a fortune on a nice new suit for him that I can't return now

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:21:18

She has my ds when I go out to WORK so I can afford to cloth, feed and generally provide for my baby, not so I can go out socialising! And not overnight, it's for 4 hours a day.
She will also only be doing this for a temporary period!
She is also not just looking after him for me but for my dh too he's also at work!!!

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 15:21:59

There are options! You just don't like any of them!

1. MIL looks after DS all day and night. You could make this up to her by cutting back on the worktime childcare (by putting DS in nursery soon) or the weekend childcare (by your DH staying at home with his family occasionally).

2. You only go to part of the wedding - either the daytime and come home to relieve MIL from the evening shift, or vice versa.

3. You don't go to the wedding at all.

What is not an option is you picking and choosing which bits you get to take DS to, and that seems to be the only one that will make you happy. So you either ride roughshod over your friends' wishes and make yourself the most unpopular person at the wedding by taking DS along regardless, or you can suck it up and pick the least worst option so you can go and celebrate your friends' marriage.

Graze22 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:22:00

Martyr alert. Are you new to mumsnet?

Yes jacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding, that's the real issue lol! My point stating I had got him a suit was that of they had told me earlier than this I would not of gone out and spent a fortune on a nice new suit for him that I can't return now

I know you have put a lol in it, but I do actually think deep down that this is actually what you want to do, hence spending a fortune on an outfit that your dad will only wear once.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 15:28:08

BettyBoo,

You wont get anything else off this thread, I wouldn't bother any more.

You have two options really

Don't go.
Do as your DH wants so he stops having a strop. Shame you have to placate him this way, and rather controlling of him.

I think your suggestion to your DH that you join him at the reception and onto the evening was the best one tbh. It's a pity he is still kicking off about that, but this is the man you married, sadly.

Personally I wouldn't go, but as I said before I didn't leave my child at that age. Going out on the piss is the last thing I'd want.

Hope it works out.

really? she should put her child into childcare so she can go to a wedding all day?

Sorry but what?

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 15:33:02

really? she should put her child into childcare so she can go to a wedding all day?

No- she should get the child's grandmother, and regular carer, to look after him for 4 hours more than was originally planned.

That's not really a big deal is it?

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 15:35:52

Forget about taking your baby.

Leave him with MIL, go to what you want/don't go at all & tell your husband to suck it up!!

ruthsmumkath Tue 03-Jun-14 15:37:50

I went to a wedding without my ds when he was 6 months - it was in Ireland and I had to leave my son with my MIL who he had only seen once before.

I felt heartbroken after the first hour or so and spent most of the night in a corner in tears.

I have never gone to a wedding since were dc's were not invited and doubt I will for a long time to come.

Each to there own on who is invited but I feel no compulsion to attend.

Kath

Thumbwitch Tue 03-Jun-14 15:40:00

There are a few points here that I want to make (dunno why I feel the need but hey)
1) If it's a church wedding then technically they can't stop you bringing your DS into the church, although if he did kick up a fuss they'd probably be pretty pissed off. A friend of mine had a "no children at the ceremony" wedding too, and had someone who was prepared to be outside looking after the children during the ceremony because she didn't want her wedding video messed up with screaming. Unluckily for her, a close relative had a baby a few weeks prior to the wedding and had to bring baby with her - guess what! It wailed. C'est la vie. It wasn't the end of the world.
But you'd be given some dirty looks, I'm sure, if you did it.

2) are you breastfeeding? because if you are then nearly 24h away from your 8mo could be quite uncomfortable, you'd probably have to take a pump and "pump and dump", plus having to express for your baby, unless you want to do an emergency stop on bf'ing.

3) I have actually just had a very similar conversation with DH about extended childcare. DS2 is 19mo and is pretty lively, so a bit more of a handful even than a teething 8mo non-mobile baby, but also he can play and do other stuff, so less completely dependent (swings and roundabouts). We're going out for our anniversary next week so MIL will be looking after DS1 and 2 for the evening - DH just suggested staying the night out as well but the next day I need to go to the city for the day, so MIL will be looking after DS2 during the day for me then as well (a 6h stint, usually) - DS1 will be at school. I said No to the overnight because quite frankly I think it will be too much for her as well at 72 - early evening, overnight and then most of the next day so yes, nearly 24h with DS2 (who IS still bf'ing at night as well). It's bloody wearing but DH isn't bothered - he's sure his mum will be fine with it. Well I know she'd agree to it but it would be knackering for her!

So I have some sympathy with your point of view.

The only thing I do take issue with is your insistence that your DP come home with you. I really wouldn't bother about that - unless you're worried that if you leave him there by himself drinking he might be tempted by someone else? In which case you've got bigger problems.

Stinkle Tue 03-Jun-14 15:40:42

Or, the DH should stop being a dick, and agree to her joining him later at the reception as per OP's perfectly reasonable suggestion several pages ago

KatieKaye Tue 03-Jun-14 15:44:25

So why did you say you were bringing him back for the photos OP if you didn't intrndcDS to be in them? Presumably you were going to be in them so what would DS be doing?

LizLimone Tue 03-Jun-14 15:46:26

Is this trend for 'child-free' weddings a real thing now? I'm only seeing it here on MN, not in real life. It sounds awful to me, just selfish and indulgent. Weddings are family events and children are part of the family like everyone else, not lepers. Used to be when I was getting married 10 years sho anyway that children were welcomed at weddings and given prominence as flower girls / page boys etc.

What a cold, harsh world these people live in. Yes, god forbid your Perfect Day would be marred by the sound of a baby crying. The horror! Their choice of course but glad I don't know anyone like them in real life.

LizLimone Tue 03-Jun-14 15:48:29

10 years *ago, that should be...

Beastofburden Tue 03-Jun-14 15:52:47

Cor.

I thought from the OP that you were suggesting staying away fom the whole thing. Actually, saying, "childfree ceremony is no problem- I'll take him out for that bit and see you guys later" sounds perfectly Ok to me. Why is that so unreasonable?

The rest does sound a bit of a mare. Wouldn't your MIL rather just stay home with the kid all day, as opposed to coming with you to the wedding and then schlepping your LO home again?

I do remember a very old mate- actually exBF- who banned kids from his wedding when I had my first baby in tow. I was a bit narked at the time, being very fond of said baby who I thought was totally adorable; now I think it was understandable. He didn't have kids, wasn't focussed on that side of things, and wanted some cool music not interrupted by baby wailing. IIRC, I sang in the choir and DH took the baby out for the duration.

CPtart Tue 03-Jun-14 15:54:30

Some of your comments re your DH have an undertone of resentment and hint that maybe all is not equal in the balance of parenting your DS. This wedding business may be an immediate problem, but I guess is actually the least of your worries.

BlondePieceOffFluff Tue 03-Jun-14 15:56:09

Hosting any party, including a wedding, is about generousity and making your guests feel welcome. It is not about showing off perfection. I would be embarrased if I behaved in a way that would cause any of my guests to question their reasonableness on an internet forum, a complete disgraze the way people get wound up with "my special day and it's all about me, me, me and my lovely wedding video". What happend to fun, food and laughter?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:56:41

Err my dads not intending on wearing the suit!

jacks365 Tue 03-Jun-14 15:59:36

It would be incredibly rude to refuse to watch the b&g give their vows which is after all the important bit but then turn up and expect them to feed you at the afternoon reception. Either go without ds or graciously decline. Graciously means using childcare issues as a reason rather than saying I'm not going if ds can't.

You do need to discuss with dh about all his nights out but this isn't the occasion to do that.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:01:45

I would never suggest that I should take ds and to he'll with what the b&g want, I've never said I'm taking him come what may! I wouldn't dream of doing that.
But saying I'm only narked because I wanted to show off my baby is ridiculous, he has been to other weddings and I'm sure will go to others in the future, seriously don't judge me by your own standards.
I'm not a martyr by any stretch, you were making out that mil has ds when it suits me, like it's for when I want to go with friends or nights out, mil has ds for me AND my dh when we both go to work, so no it's not just to suit me

Infinity8 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:02:31

Weddings cost a lot of money. I can quite see why someone paying for wedding videos etc would quite like to hear their vows rather than the sound of babies crying.

Unfortunately some parents are really slack at taking noisy kids outside, which is why you end up with child free weddings. You can't say X can bring their dc because they can be relied upon to monitor behaviour but Y can't because they are lazy parents!

RiverTam Tue 03-Jun-14 16:02:33

weddings can cost a fortune these days, Liz and a child over (I think) aged 1 will count as a 'meal'. If the B&G have a budget they might prefer to have their actual friends there rather than the DC of their friends who they might not know very well.

We are going to a child-free wedding soon, done so because of cost, and personally I couldn't care less, DD is 4, Grandma is looking after her and we get a very rare childfree social occasion to enjoy.

Prior to this all the weddings we had been to recently were ones where the B&G had a very small ceremony and then a piss-up in the pub in the evening, which, due to the fact that most who had DC has young 'uns, was childfree anyway.

OP - you really do need to ask your MIL if she would be happy to babysit - you're making suppositions on her behalf that could be completely unfounded, and it sounds like you're doing that to make a point to your DH, though as he sounds like a bit of a knob, he probably isn't listening, and you'll end up cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 16:06:45

I have two weddings this summer, both with couples who don't have children and who don't have nieces and nephews, and they are both child-free. They both involve families and friends having to travel and stay over. It's awkward but I can see why they have done it. If it's not near home, I think I'd have a worse time with a young DC, maybe ending up sitting alone in a hotel room with them while the party rages downstairs.

Beastofburden Tue 03-Jun-14 16:08:13

It would be incredibly rude to refuse to watch the b&g give their vows which is after all the important bit but then turn up and expect them to feed you at the afternoon reception

you see, Jack, I am not sure I agree with that. I think that is exactly what I would do. If the B&G have said, please take your LO outside for the ceremony, then that's what you do. To please them. If they want a child-free ceremony, they must realise that there are several ways to achieve that, and one of them is for ppl to go out for that bit.

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 16:10:40

But children aren't invited to the wedding, Beast. They shouldn't be there in the first place, to have to be taken outside during the ceremony.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 16:11:48

If the B&G have said, please take your LO outside for the ceremony, then that's what you do.

But they haven't said that.

They've said children are invited in the evening and the OP has now added that it's just the ceremony they don't want them at which contradicts the first bit so God knows what the truth is they haven't invited them all day.

Stinkle Tue 03-Jun-14 16:11:59

I don't know if it's a thing Liz, certainly seems a lot of posts about it on MN.

I've been to several weddings the last few years, only 1 was child free. And that I couldn't go to as we had no one to have the kids - well, initially DH was going to go on his own (DH's work colleague) but the bride threw such a shit fit because I couldn't go that neither of us went (about 50% of the invite list declined in the end)

If you want a child free wedding, fine, but you can't throw all of your toys out of the pram when people can't make it

Personally, I love kids at weddings, the more the merrier at my wedding

jacks365 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:13:06

In this instance they haven't requested that children are taken out during the ceremony they have stated they are welcome to come to the evening do, if they had saidhhe's welcome but can you keep him out of the ceremony there wouldn't be a thread.

MrsShortfuse2 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:13:42

What I will never ever understand about these wedding threads is people who say 'I'll take him out if he cries'. By then the damage is done, why do some people just not get that?

YABVU.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:15:36

It's a no child/baby at the ceremony part Bearbehind like I stated on my OP I've not changed that.

hippoesque Tue 03-Jun-14 16:17:10

If, as you say, your DH has such an active social life normally and you facilitate this happily then surely you see how this is coming across? You're kicking off because your son isn't invited. Simple as that. You can make out that it isn't fair on your MIL, that you're out of pocket because of the suit or that your DH is failing on the parenting front (bet you'd never normally refer to him how you have here today) but it is too obvious that you are just stamping your feet and having a complete tantrum about it.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 16:22:33

FFS OP, how does

They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

Translate to

it's a no child/ baby at the ceremony part

It's not one rule for you and another for everyone else and you can't just twist what they've said to suit your plans.

Dress your little prince up in his expensive suit and take him out on your own for the day instead of going to the wedding, that way you won't begrudge the fortune you've spent on it hmm

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 16:23:57

I went to 2 weddings last year. One was childfree.

The childfree one was a close family member. I very politely turned down the invite, wished them well and asked for a copy of the wedding list/if there was anything specific they wanted. About a month later they asked my DD (8) to be a flowergirl. At the wedding DD was one of two children, the other being a 2 year old who was a ring bearer. Obviously both children had been given 'jobs' to get around the childfree issue. I thought that was a lovely thing for the B&G to do (Funnily enough, on the day there were 3 babies there as well, one of which was only 2 days old! None of them made a sound during the ceremony)

The second wedding was DH's best friends DS. There were about 10 kids there ranging from 2-10. It was a beautiful wedding, brilliant party and the only trouble/noise came from the drunken adults. The kids were the well behaved ones smile

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:28:14

Never said I was happy about it hippo. Like I've said IMO I don't understand these child free weddings, family and friends are family and friends no matter their age! Next it will be not allowing oap's in case they have dementia and make a show of themselves or not inviting someone with learning difficulties or with Tourette's 'just in case'! But I have said I understand it's their day and therefore up to them, I'm just trying to work round it

FeelLikeCrying Tue 03-Jun-14 16:28:26

I am afraid I have now lost the plot as to who has been invited to what. It seems to change more often the the weather confused

hedgetrimmer Tue 03-Jun-14 16:32:11

i think 8mo is still too young for that long away from you,unless you have to.i wouldnt go.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:34:13

Ffs it's not about dressing him up for the day!!!!!
What's wrong with saying if they had told me before 3 weeks I would not of gone out and got him an outfit for it!!!!
Sorry then if your going to be picky, they have said all welcome after the ceremony, which means speeches,meal and party.
And for the record for the millionth time I'm not asking them to allow me to bring my ds to the ceremony!

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 16:42:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maninawomansworld Tue 03-Jun-14 16:43:10

YANBU to not go but YABU to get all grumpy and offended over it.

We had a childfree wedding -mostly because ALL our friends have DC's so we would have had 20+ under 10's there which would have completely changed the day.
Some people didn't come which was fine (no skin off my nose) but most positively thanked us for giving them an excuse to dump the kids on the grandparents and let their hair down!

We had a great day!

rideyourbike Tue 03-Jun-14 16:44:54

I had a friend who was very upset with me for a long time because we didn't go to her wedding. No children allowed, and venue over 250 miles away!

This thread seems to have got very out of hand [shocked]

Please ask your MIL what she is prepared to do. It is great that you are thinking about her, but maybe it is a little patronising to assume as to what it is that she can and can't do.

It is just one day and so think that maybe saying certain things in your OP such as if my dad can't come then I won't be was wrong.

You obviously have issues around your DH social life but you are really focusing on the wrong fight with regards to the wedding. There is no rule that says you must leave together. Personally I would let him stay out this time even if I left early.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 16:49:10

Yesjacksthat's what I want to do really! Show my baby off, because that's what all hard working, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, struggling to keep household and work and baby juggling mums really want to do, show their baby off at someone else's wedding,

So dont go, leave ds with MIL as planned for the day, wave DH off to the wedding and do something for yourself, catch up on sleep then have a relaximg day out with your girlfriends then pick ds up at bedtime

Probably less stressful than the wedding

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:50:51

It does add up but you have tried to make out there is some sort of conspiracy theory to it! They've said no babies / children at the ceremony, something to do with not wanting to ruin the video. Hence why I said I could go in then out when necessary but obviously that's not good protocol apparently. Mil is not invited to the church so I can't really say you come but sit outside with ds whilst we are in the church, then bring him to me when we are done, it's not local so she couldn't go home with him for an hour then come back. And yes tbh I could take him to the reception part in the suit just seems abit of a wast of money for an hour or two of wearing but that's my bad, maybe I shouldn't have got it too soon but the suit really isn't my real problem and I really do want to attend I don't want to cause aggro for the b&g at all, my issue again isn't with them. It's with my dh and us agreeing on how we should plan the day

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 16:54:48

Betty what does the INVITE say? If it says children welcome in the evening then that's what they want regardless of whether they have told you your DS can come to the meal or not. I assume it matters not one jot to them if he comes to the meal as they wont have to provide a meal for him but they will have to provide meals for older children so they will have had to be specific on who was invited to what in the invite.

I personally cannot see why you want to take DS to a meal he will not eat, a ceremony he cannot attend and a party he will not enjoy anyway?

Just have a day off love, you sound like you need one.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 16:55:54

If you really want to go then leave ds with MIL and go to the ceremony, try and get MIL to let him have a good long sleep on the afternoon and take him to the do on a night time knowing if he cant/won't sleep later on in his buggy you can take him home and leave DH there as the best man but have attended most of the wedding.

Honestly I have 3 dc and done loads of evening do's with the kids asleep in the buggy. There is sometimes another bar which is quite depending where it is or sit at the back of he room where it's quiete. Tbh mine have been so knackered they have just slept through most of the night once they have gone off

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 16:57:45

I'm confused.

Up until your DH spoke to his friend earlier today, you thought DS was invited to the whole thing. Yet you had arranged for your MIL to look after him for the speeches/meal and "part of the night" (which then changes to "afternoon onwards" - so is that all night then?) anyway. And we now know that DS has to go to bed at 7.30pm.

So you must have only intended to take him to a) the ceremony and b) from the meal ending to shortly before his bedtime anyway?

If you're worried about your MIL having him for too long, and you now say your friends have stated that DS would be welcome from the end of the ceremony onwards, why not ask MIL to look after him for the ceremony and from bedtime onwards, and you take him to the meal up to bedtime? You could go and collect him while the "boring for guests" photos are being taken and be back by the time everyone sits down for the meal.

Then MIL looks after him for the same amount of total time, albeit split into two 'shifts', you get to show him off in his suit and your friends get their child-free ceremony.

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 16:58:39

Actually, your last post sounds like a perfect solution if MIL is invited to the meal and beyond just not the ceremony. She can go with you, take DS for his walk while you watch them get married then they can both join you for the meal.

If she wad going to come and collect him anyway what's the distance got to do with it?

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 16:58:47

OP you are determined to make a fuss about this whatever I or anyone says.

The service will be the first hour of the day so all this nonsense about only wearing his precious suit for part of the day is just bollocks- it's an hour less than it would have been if he went to the ceremony.

Why can't you drop your son at MIL on your way to the wedding and she bring him along an hour later, just in time for you coming out of the ceremony?

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 17:01:34

Plus, if its not local how did you envisage all of this to-ing and fro-ing working in the first place?

Surely MIL would just prefer to have him for the whole day and relax rather than muck about with all of these shenanigans!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 17:02:53

Here's a solution OP, talk to your mil!

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 17:08:02

Sorry I missed your last post saying it wasn't local.

Just ask your MIL, FFS! You're making an assumption, because it suits you to try to guilt-trip your DH that you're relying on his mother too much for childcare in part because he's out all the time. You're probably right, you probably do, and your DH almost certainly needs to grow up and start acting like a father not a manchild, but the wedding of his close friend where he has been asked to be best man is not the forum in which to have this particular fight!

Pick your battle, OP. I suspect you've now made such a fuss over this, tried so many different angles of attack and made yourself sound so martyred that it may seem like a massive climb-down to say "yes, okay, we'll ask your mum this time but afterwards we need to have a chat about how much she does for us and how we can cut it back", but it's probably the best and least stressful thing you can do in the circumstances.

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 17:12:23

If the wedding isn't local and MIL isn't bothered about going, then surely it would be kinder to MIL to ask her to have him for a few extra hours so you can attend the whole day properly, than her having to collect him after ceremony, bring him back for couple of 'party' hours and then take him home again. If she attends as a guest she will have to get ready with your 8mo in tow and lug him and all of his stuff about. Another few hours at home with him must be less exhausting than that for a 68 year old, especially if he is the extraordinarily well behaved baby that you describe upthread.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:16:52

Why isn't the OPs solution that she attends the reception and evening, missing the ceremony only considered acceptable (apart for the fact that her DH has kicked off about it)?

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 17:19:23

Because she is going to a wedding and missing the WEDDING. And it appears from her posts that she will only be doing it to make a point.

nyzz Tue 03-Jun-14 17:21:32

Can you not go back to your MILs after the wedding and stay the night there so if your DS wakes up you can tend to him rather than your MIL?

Seems a shame to miss the ceremony and seeing your DH being the best man.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 17:22:19

Why are you worried about your mil having to travel an hour in? She's having to do it anyway if you take DS to the ceremony?

Just ask your MIL, FFS! You're making an assumption, because it suits you to try to guilt-trip your DH that you're relying on his mother too much for childcare in part because he's out all the time. You're probably right, you probably do, and your DH almost certainly needs to grow up and start acting like a father not a manchild, but the wedding of his close friend where he has been asked to be best man is not the forum in which to have this particular fight

Totally agree with this.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 17:22:42

I think because she wants to leave with ds at bedtime or early when tired and dh has to leave with her but he is best man

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:22:47

Plenty of weddings have 2 tier invites "all day" and "evening only". I don't see why this is an issue.

The WEDDING (why are we shouting?) is the most boring part smile and no-one will even notice if OP is not there. B&G will have more important things to concentrate on, surely?

parentalunit Tue 03-Jun-14 17:24:15

Oh dear, this is a difficult one. I would skip the ceremony part as you originally proposed, then go with your child to the rest of the event.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not your choice to skip the wedding...it's the couple's choice to exclude you. I actually think you're being lovely to bother going to the rest of it.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:24:19

Corey, that was if they went all day. The solution OP offered was that DH went all day and all night and OP just went all night.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 17:24:35

Sometimes reading mn I think I'm the only person who genuinely enjoys weddings and likes seeing friends get married.

And I will fully admit it's a much easier day without a toddler in tow.

nyzz Tue 03-Jun-14 17:26:42

Sorry just saw that your MIL is invited to the wedding but the ceremony (sounds odd but am assuming limited capacity). I think your DH should talk to his mum to see if she'd mind hanging out with DS during the ceremony and then you all go the wedding and then MIL leaves with your DS. Hasn't your MIL RSVP'd already one way or the other?

I like them too, and I don't mind evening only invitations, childfree weddings, gift lists, suggestions for cash instead of gifts, being invited without my DH, seating plans where I sit with strangers or most of the other things that get moaned about on MN.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 17:28:07

Why isn't the OPs solution that she attends the reception and evening, missing the ceremony only considered acceptable (apart for the fact that her DH has kicked off about it)?

Given the additional info that the OP provided stating that it is only the ceremony her son isn't invited to, that is an option.

Even better if she could attend and her MIL brings her son over immediately afterwards.

But I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that- all that bollocks about if her can't wear his suit to the ceremony then it's a waste just wearing to the reception hmm

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 17:28:33

But the OP has been invited to the 'all day' bit, so the B&G would like her there for the important bit, the bit at which her DH (who, admittedly she doesn't seem to like very much right now) is also going to be involved. And there is no valid reason why she can't go, other than she wants to make a point to her DH/is miffed about her DS's non-invitation and the waste of the suit money/wants to make a stand about child-free weddings/has realised there's a J in the month.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 17:28:55

Oh I don't like being seated with strangers, or money poems. But I had a child free wedding! shock

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 17:30:14

First of all she isn't an evening guest, she is a full day guest. I can see no scenario where, unless completely unavoidable, it is not incredibly rude to miss the marriage ceremony but then rock up to be fed and watered.

OP has childcare options but instead of using them she wants to pick and choose which bits she attends to suit her. Id tell her she was RUDE in a shouty voice if it was my wedding.

SelectAUserName Tue 03-Jun-14 17:30:39

I did too Pobble. But to be fair we only had 10 guests in total and no evening reception. The budget for our wedding made shoestrings look lavish grin

jellybeans Tue 03-Jun-14 17:32:02

Is it local? I turned down a family invite that expected us to be child free and travel many hours just for evening disco! Hmmm. I sent DH and stayed home.

However I have been to many local ones without DC, both full day and just evenings.

It's simple really it's just an invite. If you don't fancy it don't go. Especially if it is DH's friend.

I do find child free weddings dull and a bit stale.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:33:45

First of all she isn't an evening guest, she is a full day guest

Well yes, until 3 weeks before the wedding when the B&G told her that it was a childfree ceremony. At which point the OP can politely decline the full day, due to the change in circumstances of the wedding.

It's only her husband kicking off at this point.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 17:36:01

The easiest solution all round which is not involving the MIL keeping the son overnight or getting ready and going to the wedding herself ( which imo is just silly) is for MIL to babysit whilst op and DH attend the ceremony. DS is then taken to the nightime do where he stays till he falls asleep in buggy and op and dh leave together at end with ds or if ds won't settle op takes him home leaving DH (best man) at ceremony for the remainder of the evening and will come home when do is over. I'm sure other people will struggle to get their kids watched all day so quite a few will go to the evening do anyway. I don't see why dh as best man should be made to go home early and is quite rude towards Big who have asked him to be.

grumpasaur Tue 03-Jun-14 17:37:33

To me, the title says it all. Op is put out because her PFB isn't invited, so she's using every plausible excuse in the book to justify throwing her toys out of the pram. Essentially, the problem is "if my sweet amazing perfectly behaved son can't go, I am not going either".

To be fair, op, you sound a right pain and a misery guts. Your husband will probably have more fun without you.

Ohh- or maybe the bride and groom knew you would throw a strop if your DS wasn't invited, so they uninvited him hoping that you wouldn't come either. Win win!

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 17:38:06

* and is quite rude towards B&G who have asked him to be best man.

BauerTime Tue 03-Jun-14 17:40:54

LtEve

Either DS's name wasn't on the invite at all (so shouldn't assume he was invited to any of it) or it said on the invite which bits children were invited to. Therefore arrangements should have been made accordingly.

If DS wasn't named on invite and no child info on there either, then they should have checked sooner as to whether DS was invited.

LtEveDallas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:44:10

OP had conversations with the B&G which she talked quite openly about her DS being there, buying the suit and so on. Bad manners of the B&G not to say something the .

magentastardust Tue 03-Jun-14 17:49:58

This changes the situation then surely if it is only the ceremony.

1-Why are you upset then? -your ds is invited to the wedding just not the ceremony -you will have him with you the rest of the day/night if you so wish ?

2. You were upset because you forked out for an expensive outfit for your baby-that's fair enough but he can still wear it and it won't be a waste if he is still going to the bulk of a wedding and only missing a 45 min section of it. If someone is looking after him for only the ceremony and it is purely just to stop children making a noise in the church then he can still be in photo's etc he just needs to miss the service.

3. In that case MIL can come with you and stays outside church, takes ds for a walk during the ceremony. MIL isn't invited to the Church you say -but that is a good thing then she wont miss the service and you wont be putting her out by her looking after your DS.

I see you say it isn't local -but how far away is the church -can MIL drive/bus for an hour or so just to look after your ds during the ceremony.

It just seems that the reasons you were upset at the beginning of the thread don't really tally with him only being asked to not be in the church ceremony.

If you don't want to drag MIL out-just you miss the ceremony and wait outside with your little boy and if your DH is having a rant about it ask him to sort it out a solution then.

You said earlier MIL was invited to the evening reception -could she look after DS for wedding and then take him along when she arrives for evening reception then you and DH either care for him at wedding or you take him home then and leave DH at wedding on this occasion (as he is Best man)

I think there are a few ways to work around it -it is never ideal when children and childcare are involved but it looks like you do have a couple of options.

KatieKaye Tue 03-Jun-14 17:50:49

Bad manners to assume DS was invited and very embarrassing for bride and groom who then had to go away and think how they were going to break it that DS had never been invited to the ceremony .

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 03-Jun-14 17:52:00

If I were the B&G I'd be changing their mind and inviting your DH and your child and asking YOU to stay at home, OP. I think you're coming across as much more of a pain in the ass than any child at a wedding might be

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 17:55:14

To be honest I think you were a bit silly to buy an expensive outfit for DS that he'll probably only wear once and grow out of next month.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 18:11:04

Thank you everyone for your responses I'm sure we will find a solution, to be honest my dh hasn't kicked off as much as some of the posters, but for all the helpful replies offering ways round it thanx very much, I have definitely took these onboard.

twizzleship Tue 03-Jun-14 18:12:21

Heehiles: "A caller phoned in and made a really interesting point about where society is failing our children and how we are pushing them out - One example she gave was how children are banned from family events - i.e Weddings from an early age our children are marginalised, excluded and the long term effects of this eventually leads to children looking for a place where they are part of a 'family' "

errrr....absolute bollocks in my opinion! Kids joining gangs and taking a destructive path in life is down to the lack of decent parenting they received from their parents, the lack of positive role models, the lack of discipline etc etc etc....it has absolutely bugger all to do with not being invited to weddings - that caller sounds like they were just making excuses for their own bad parenting and trying to pass off the responsibility of bringing up their child onto the rest of society. i mean....surely the parent/s are capable of arranging 'family events/days out' themselves instead of expecting everyone else to do it?

FatalCabbage Tue 03-Jun-14 18:16:19

I assume they thought he'd be in the suit at the evening do.

Thumbwitch Tue 03-Jun-14 18:16:49

I agree twizzle - it's the lack of discipline that often causes child-exclusion from weddings in the first place, and it's not that much of a jump to work out that lack of discipline in small children is going to lead to undisciplined bigger children thinking they can do what they like, when they like and no one can tell them what to do.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 18:21:08

* and is quite rude towards B&G who have asked him to be best man.

twizzleship Tue 03-Jun-14 18:31:13

LizLimone: "It sounds awful to me, just selfish and indulgent. Weddings are family events and children are part of the family like everyone else, not lepers."

weddings/marriage and children are not mutually exclusive! A wedding is a private function paid for by the individuals involved - there is no dictat to state that children must definitely be a part of it-either on the day or later on in marriage. You could apply the 'selfish' and 'indulgent' attitude to parents who think that people should centre their own personal plans for their life around other peoples children. Our society is already very child-centric and it is incredibly selfish, irresponsible and unreasonable to expect every individual to make allowances for children during their own private/personal celebration.

an invite is exactly that - an invite. it isn't a court order or dictat stating the invitee has to be there sans child...

Catsize Tue 03-Jun-14 18:36:31

He is not invited.
They do not want him there.
They do not want him in their sight.
They certainly do not want him in their photos.
Simples.
Why is this so hard to grasp?

Thumbwitch Tue 03-Jun-14 18:41:15

I really don't get why people are so insistent that weddings are family events. I know several people who just went off for the weekend, got married with 2 witnesses and that was it. Families not included.
A wedding is about 2 people committing to each other - and that's it. This whole "joining of two families" stuff is so outdated.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 03-Jun-14 18:47:46

Weddings are family events

Not to me. DH and I got married on a beach, alone. Now that may sound really sad to some people, but it was perfect for us. We didn't want to involve our families for the ceremony. We had a little party when we came home, and that was a family event.

Four4me Tue 03-Jun-14 18:48:43

Please OP ask mil to have DS the whole day/night go to the wedding with dh and enjoy his glory as best man, an undisturbed meal with adult company and dance the night away! The next morning lavish mil with flowers and complaints of how much you appreciate her.
You won't regret it and DS and mil combo will have a blast.
From someone who ten years ago stressed about and finally left my saint-like mil with two A4 sides of instructions decribing how to care for our pfb!!! now with 4 dc I pack and deliver them with any willing volunteer for the prospect of a good old child-free wedding ��

Shinyshoes2 Tue 03-Jun-14 18:52:17

If i specifically told people it was a child feeder wedding then someone turned up with a child id be fucking furious

It's not your day it's theirs

And why on earth would you miss the ceremony part which IS the wedding ?

Your DH is a massive part of that wedding too , he's the best man .. If you want to leave early YOU leave early but don't expect your DH too

You sound like a pain in the backside and are being a dick

Do everyone a favour and don't go

diddl Tue 03-Jun-14 19:02:29

Thing is, if it's in a church, they can't stop people they haven't invited turning up, can they?
I'm not suggesting that Op takes her son BTW, but if for example an ex neighbour turned up with a baby, there would be nothing that they could do, would there?

CarolineKnappShappey Tue 03-Jun-14 19:04:35

Sorry popped out.

To address the very important sartorial question; what should an 8 month old should wear to a wedding? you can't go wrong with Mini Boden. wink

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:12:33

I didn't ask what brand you would dress your 8 mo ds in tho

CarolineKnappShappey Tue 03-Jun-14 19:17:53

Mini Boden is more than a brand. It's a way of life.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 19:18:00

I do find it interesting that you've only said that 'you've taken on board' suggestions for a way around this rather than actually saying what you are going to do, yet you're still reading and posting.

Are you a bit disappointed that after kicking up such a fuss, there's plenty of ways around this that don't involve you DH going home early or you missing the ceremony?

Redglitter Tue 03-Jun-14 19:29:07

diddl I'd thought that too. They can exclude kids from the reception but as you say the service is open to anyone.

It's very possible someone might go to the ceremony with a child I don't think there's anything they can do about it.

That happened at a friends wedding. It was a child free one and friends of theirs brought their toddler to the ceremony. she was as good as gold presented a horseshoe got a photo taken then granny took her away

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:38:44

Bearbehind you do seem keen on prompting arguments! I will rephrase my sentence for you shall I! I really am grateful for all the constructive suggestions and they will help me make a decision on what we are going to do most definitely, it's made me see a different side to my argument and possibly helped me put it all in to perspective, it is one day out of the many years ahead we have and yes I have picked the wrong occasion to have this argument with my dh. I will speak to mil for her pov and hopefully find a happy solution for all. I will make my peace with the suit ;)

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 19:39:48

Fair play OP grin

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Tue 03-Jun-14 20:02:24

Oh come on admit it OP, you are pissed off because you wanted to dress your ds in a cute suit and show him off and have everyone cooing over him, and now the b&g are saying they dot want that.

What is the point of taking your ds to a ceremony he isn't invited to, and then walk around with him outside? It kind of sounds a little attention seeking tbh.

Rainbunny Tue 03-Jun-14 20:17:17

So your're going to refuse to go to the whole thing even though you already have childcare arrangements for part of it? It sounds like you are taking this position on principal, not due to an inability to arrange childcare (would it really be impossible for your MIL to have your child the whole time?)

It's really dumb to inform people that it's a childfree event at this late stage (did they really not inform anyone until now? That sounds like a recipe for disaster!) but I wonder if it's the lack of notice that offends you are the fact that your child isn't welcome to the event that offends you? If it's the latter then I think YABU.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 20:19:31

grin @ caroline

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 20:20:28

Why do people not RTFT?

I can hardly be accused of being the OP's best mate but she's accepted that her stance is wrong and is going to find a solution.

WTF are the last 2 posts all about?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:20:41

Can everyone else just read the whole thread now please before responding!

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 20:22:02

X post with me OP- bet you never thought that would happen wink

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:24:43

Most definitely not smile

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 20:25:06

I liked your second to last post Betty smile. You've had a fair bit of stick over however many pages.

But you will get people saying the same old, same old now who haven't bothered to read the whole thread!

KatieKaye Tue 03-Jun-14 20:25:22

Good for you, OP!

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 20:25:38

X post...your third post back.

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Tue 03-Jun-14 20:28:42

Sorry, I wrote the post ages ago and then had to go and do something so then just later pressed post. I see things have moved on! smile

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 20:39:32

YABU, your husband is best man so personally if you can't bear the thought of leaving him with your mil overnight then YOU should leave early. It would not be good for the best man to leave early because of some sense of 'he's a dad, therefore he must leave too'.

However, having read all of the thread you think you're right, won't change your mind so not sure why you're still posting.....

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 20:42:32

However, having read all of the thread you think you're right, won't change your mind so not sure why you're still posting.....

You've clearly not read all the thread RVP hmm

Not really sure why you posted...........

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:50:28

Oh RVP really? You have obviously not read through the whole thread so please change the record now. And I'm still posting because i started the thread... Why are you posting?!

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:50:47

Actually don't answer that please.

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 20:55:17

No you won't, your paying lip service to other posts!

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 20:58:11

Ok RVP enjoy your evening.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 20:58:25

OMFG- I know I can be harsh but how the fuck can you have decided that rvp

The OP had no reason to admit she was in the wrong, especially having defended her stance for about 15 pages. It was pretty brave to stand down yet you decide she's paying lip service?

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 21:05:38

Bear, I am entitled to my opinion. To which I don't have to explain myself to you. So toddle off.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 21:07:38

Fuck off with your 'toddle off'

I'm not saying you're not entitled to your opinion- I'm asking how you reached it?

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 21:08:50

Bear, if all you're going to do is swear then no I won't answer.

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 03-Jun-14 21:08:57

Nice one Betty, hope you DH and your DS enjoy the wedding and your son will look lovely in his new suit. Buy your MIL a nice bunch of flowers

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 21:10:10

Ok then, I'll ask really nicely with no swear words - how have you concluded that the OP is just paying lip service to other posters?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 21:17:03

How am I paying lip service - if I hadn't of had the change of mind you were saying I was stubborn and not listening but now I've seen a different perspective I'm paying lip service? Which outcome would please you then?

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 21:18:20

Having read the posts, in my opinion I don't think she has answered the point about what she's going to do. There is still the caveat of happy solution for all. That's all.

If she does change her mind then fair play to her, hopefully she'll relax and haven great time.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 21:26:20

Because I've said I'm going to speak to mil and dh and also realised there are other ways round it from other posters. What the finer details are I'm not sure yet but it's opened my mind.
And I shall put my issue with dh aside for another day.

RVPisnomore Tue 03-Jun-14 21:31:15

Good luck, hope whatever you decide works out.

Bearbehind Tue 03-Jun-14 21:41:57

I hardly think finding 'a happy solution for all' is the worst caveat in the world - strange train of thought.

Glad you've discovered ways to make the day work Op - enjoy it.

magentastardust Tue 03-Jun-14 22:00:30

Hope it all works out OP, and do have that chat with DH after the weekend so he knows you aren't happy with the free time ratio between the two of you.

SelectAUserName Wed 04-Jun-14 05:43:50

Fair play OP, hope you all manage to enjoy the day.

Peanut14 Wed 04-Jun-14 06:47:41

I don't know what RVP is on about!

Nice one BettyBoo for coming back to say you have seen another perspective on the matter.

Hope it all works out for you

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 07:43:43

I think it is also being clouded by the husband.

If earlier childcare is needed, it makes sense to me not to stay so long at the evening do.

That's not an option for the husband, but doesn't the driver also have a say?

Hope you work something out, OP.

velveteenmummy Wed 04-Jun-14 07:47:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JustGrrrrrreat Wed 04-Jun-14 08:11:19

I think that your current plan is a hood 1. But please do talk to your dh about his general behaviour as he is being a twat.

RiverTam Wed 04-Jun-14 08:20:20

velveteen - I never went to a wedding as a child because my parents were the last of their friends/family to get married. Never realised I had such a deprived childhood (though I was always a bit miffed that I never got to be a bridemaid, unlike my sister envysmile).

SelectAUserName Wed 04-Jun-14 08:25:34

they'll be a generation of kids who have no idea what wedding ceremonies are all about

Good. Since weddings these days mostly seem to be about the ribbons on the party favours matching the exact shade of confetti that the doves are going to shower over the 17 identikit bridesmaids*, bring that generation on. They might eschew the excess and get back to the real meaning of weddings - two people pledging lifelong love and devotion to each other.

*Live by the generalisation, die by the generalisation.

Amber76 Wed 04-Jun-14 08:30:10

I got married a few years ago. We sort of had a child free wedding - children could come to service (we'd have preferred if they didn't but as we wanted our own child there we felt we couldn't refuse others) but not onto reception as venue really wasn't suitable for a number of reasons. Guests were informed of this a full twelve months in advance. We have over 20 nieces and nephews between us. We had our own toddler minded by a babysitter in a local hotel - she wouldn't have enjoyed a very long dinner, speeches, etc.

My brothers wife made such a fuss about it at the time. In a week running up to event she was saying she wouldn't go because her 16 month old wasn't invited - I said that was fine. In the end she did come - her child cried throughout the service and wasn't brought outside. She brought him to the reception and then made a big deal about the fact that she and her son would be going to the local hotel for their dinner. And then she returned with him afterwards - he cried throughout the fireworks, entertainment, etc. It was so incredibly childish of her. I can't wait for the next family wedding to see what she'll do!

MaidOfStars Wed 04-Jun-14 08:41:43

I'd just like to say here that we had a child-free wedding, with just one bf babe-in-arms at the ceremony part only.

It wasn't a cost cutting exercise (we had an open budget). It wasn't because we don't like children (we adore our friends' children).

We wanted a child-free wedding because we wanted an intimate party of grown-ups, eating too many courses of delicious food (the full shebang, paired wines, liqueurs, cigars), in a venue that sported open fireplaces, lots of decorative sharpness and a Venetian glass floor (shredded knees anyone?), and most definitely didn't sport a single high chair, any baby-changing facilities or a children's menu.

I was certainly prepared for people not to be able to attend (or be unwilling to). I would never have pitched a fit if a guest declined. We knew what we wanted and if people were unable to share that with us, fine. Fortunately, only one couple with children declined, and that was ostensibly for an entirely unconnected reason.

ILoveCoreyHaim Wed 04-Jun-14 09:03:34

I don't understand why people take kids to a child free wedding when they have been asked not to. It's fucking rude or even to kick up a fuss about no children. Personally I wouldn't have a CF wedding but that's my choice, if my DB wanted a CFW I would leave my kids with other in laws and not utter a word about it, if I couldn't get a sitter then I would look for paid childcare. Never been invited to one but been to plenty with screaming kids

Alconleigh Wed 04-Jun-14 09:43:19

My university crowd have managed to produce 32 children under 8. They are nice kids and I have nothing against any of them but if I were to get married now that number would make it more like a child's party than anything else. So I can totally see why people opt for child free.

LtEveDallas Wed 04-Jun-14 10:07:07

My worry for the OP is that she will have 'backed down' and her DH has 'got his own way' yet again. I worry about OP being married to a man who needs to go on the piss for 7 days, then has to go on the piss overnight the following weekend, then on the piss again the next weekend (without his DW again) plus his twice weekly football and pool nights, but complains, calling his wife "mardy, bitter and awkward" when she suggests leaving one of those events early.

I don't think those are the actions of a happily married family man, and I worry about what OP has on her plate. I think the DMIL is enabling this manchild and OP is questioning herself and her marriage. This thread is just a symptom of that.

I get that it's a wedding, and some people see that as far more important than I do, but TBH, what duties does a Best Man have at an evening function? I get that he's got stuff to do during the day - but all the weddings I've been to, once the first dance is announced that's the BM done.

At my DNeices wedding the BM was the father of the 2 year old. He and his wife retired to the quiet room (with the grannies wink) once the meal was over (about 5pm) and stayed there until the child was taken to bed at about 8-9pm. It didn't detract from the day at all. One of the Bridesmaids was the mother of the 2 day old. Her and her DH didn't even make it to the evening do - they crashed out the minute the meal was over and we didn't see them again until breakfast. I'm still in awe of that woman!

Bearbehind Wed 04-Jun-14 10:37:50

You've really got it in for the husband ltevedallas haven't you? hmm

The OP hasn't 'backed down' as her argument with her husband wasn't about how often he goes out, it was about leaving her son at her MIL's for too long.

Yes, it transpired later in the thread that there are issues with how much he goes out but that wasn't the problem here and it wasn't the reason why she wanted to change the plans that they had already made for that day.

Also, if you adopt your theory about the best man being free to go after his duties are done to the whole bridal party then bridesmaids and ushers wouldn't make it further than the church as their duties end there and the mothers of the bride and groom parents might as well not turn up at all as they don't have any 'duties'.

It's not about leaving when his duties are done- it's about him celebrating his friends marriage and it would be very churlish of the OP to force him to leave when they have no childcare issues.

The OP will need to address the inequality in their free time if she's not happy with it but making a stand about it at his best friends wedding is not the time or the place.

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 10:42:37

"it's about him celebrating his friends marriage and it would be very churlish of the OP to force him to leave when they have no childcare issues."

I disagree.

You don't have to leave your kid overnight to celebrate a friend's wedding!