to think a thank you would be nice?

(73 Posts)
MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 14:38:43

I'm getting a bit pissed off here and need a metaphorical shake out of it, or indeed told I ANBU.

About a week ago a friend asked me to have her two ds overnight for the coming Friday (last night) so she and her partner could go out. I agreed. Then the next day she upped the ante by asking if I'd be able to go and pick her sons up from their CM for the sleepover (which necessitates a 15 mile round trip for me) because she wouldn't have time to come home from work, bring them over then get out on time (early start). I was a bit taken aback because it's hardly round the corner but agreed as I could see it would be difficult for her otherwise. Her DP was in meetings so couldn't help out.

Then yesterday morning I get yet another request, would I be able to go to her house so her dc could collect his iPad to come to mine? I did that for them, brought them back to mine, chaos and excitement ensued with five dc in total - we eventually got them to bed after 10.30pm and DH and I went to bed soon after, shattered.

They were due to collect the boys at 9.30am. Eventually just after 11am the DP pitches up, we have a brief chat and that's it.

I have heard naff all from my friend. Not last night to ask if everything's okay. Not this morning to say thanks: nothing. If that was me I would've turned up (or sent DH if I was ropey) with a bottle of wine, or flowers/chocs, to show my appreciation for running round after her dc and having them overnight. I haven't even had a bloody text. AIBU to feel pissed off and would you say something?

gamerchick Sat 10-May-14 14:40:16

I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't do it again. Not a chance.

Groovee Sat 10-May-14 14:40:37

Next time I would say no!

A thank you of some sorts would have been welcome.

Catnuzzle Sat 10-May-14 14:42:40

I'd be really annoyed. I always view it that if someone is kind mad enough to have my kids for me, overnight or an hour or anywhere in between, that it is my job to ensure they have as little work to do as possible whilst looking after them. I would NEVER dream of asking for someone to collect them or their things. I wouldn't be helping her out again.

IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions Sat 10-May-14 14:43:07

Give her just a little more time to be sure, but YANBU. Coming late to pick them up was really not on, either.

BlameItOnTheBogey Sat 10-May-14 14:43:59

HOw is your relationship with this friend more generally? Is she a taker or is this a one off? I'd be pretty cross either way but it might affect my next steps….

BillyBanter Sat 10-May-14 14:46:31

There is time yet, I suppose. If nothing is forthcoming then either tell her that you are disappointed or refuse next time she asks.

I would be stewing about this but I doubt I would say anything.

She would go on my 'shitlist' never to do another favour for.

She's rude and lacks bloody manners!

gobbynorthernbird Sat 10-May-14 14:50:29

Is your friend's DH incapable of saying thank you? I'd assume that my DH would thank a friend on our behalf (and buy wine/chocs/flowers) if he were the one who was seeing them.

RedRoom Sat 10-May-14 14:50:39

YANBU. Bloody rude!

NormHonal Sat 10-May-14 14:52:47

YANBU.

I did some emergency childcare for a friend recently, not for the first time, and a casual "oh, thanks" really didn't cut it this time. It was immediately followed by a request to borrow something from us. It's opened my eyes to the fact that my friend and her DH are takers.

I won't say anything, but won't be offering to help again.

Nancy66 Sat 10-May-14 14:55:20

clutching at straws but is there a chance of something turning up next week? Flowers, card etc?

Vinomcstephens Sat 10-May-14 14:59:48

Can you just clarify something please: when your friends boyfriend came to pick the children up, did he say thank you? I'd find it very hard to imagine him arriving and NOT saying thank you...so presumably if he thanked you, why would your friend feel the need to?

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 15:00:58

Well her DP pretty much said Everything ok? Cheers. He was talking to my DH about something else in the main. I think if I'd been the one to ask my mate to do several favours in a chunk I'd thank her personally. A quick 'Cheers' to her from DH wouldn't be good enough.

I have other mates who I could probably rib and say "Hey you're taking the piss aren't you? !" but this one, although a good friend, is a bit touchy and would probably be huffed if I said that.

I know there's time yet but still, a quick text this a.m to say X is on his way, thanks so much for last night, hope they were good, wouldn't have been difficult.

HermioneWeasley Sat 10-May-14 15:03:37

Agree, just don't help again

HermioneWeasley Sat 10-May-14 15:04:01

Oh, and make sure she has your DCs to return the favour!

If it had been a drop off at your house without the running around then a 'cheers' from the DP would have been enough for me.

However, the running around after her dc's and the later than planned pick up means that I would expect a personal thanks from her, she's your friend after all and you've done a lot for her.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 15:09:26

I know, I don't expect fawning gratitude and we've had each other's older dc sleeping over loads. In those cases it is a breezy 'Thanks!' from both of us. Her younger son is a bloody handful though who will not settle down and it was pretty fraught tbh, especially on a Friday night when you're knackered anyway. That, on top of the taxiing etc, made it feel over and above the call of duty.

I just wish I could think of something to day that wasn't PA, or bitchy, or pompous!

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 15:10:02

...something to say, not day.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 15:12:22

Yes,Hermione wink.

pricklyPea Sat 10-May-14 15:21:25

I agree with Catnuzzle, having your children stay with people should be made as easy as possible for them. This is a joke.

rowna Sat 10-May-14 15:36:59

What a cheek! Yes I'd have expected at least a verbal or texted thank you so much type of thing and an offer to return the favour.

Maybe she is in bed with food poisoning.

evil laugh

pictish Sat 10-May-14 15:40:10

Give her time I say. Maybe she has got the mother of all hangovers?

UnderIce Sat 10-May-14 16:20:14

I had a "friend" who did this to me quite frequently. Asked me to babysit her 2 DCs (and they weren't the "easiest" of children) at the last minute, drive her to A&E for the tiniest sniffle. I always helped her out and she never, ever thanked me or gave me as much as a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers. Tin lid was when I asked her to look after my dog for 1 night (no issue with dogs, she has one and the dogs "got along") and she said "no". I was utterly gobsmacked and realised she was a complete taker. I distanced myself after that.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 16:20:57

She probably has got a hangover. Maybe she had a KFC at the end of the night and has now got food poisoning wink.

I dunno, I guess even with a mighty hangover I've still been able to feebly press a few buttons on my phone to send a text.

Ah balls to it. No point stewing over it now, I'll just know not to be so obliging in future.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 16:22:19

Sorry xpost UnderIce that is shit.

Only1scoop Sat 10-May-14 16:25:01

Blimey what a cheek....

You know what to say next time!

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 10-May-14 16:27:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladygracie Sat 10-May-14 16:30:30

Normally I would agree with you about texting while hungover but the last time I was hungover even reading a text made me vomitty. So maybe give her a little longer. Or she may think that her dp has thanked you profusely.
YANBU to expect a thank you at all but as she had no qualms about asking you to do all that extra running about then maybe she has a different idea about what is & isn't acceptable!

BillyBanter Sat 10-May-14 16:39:43

Maybe she said to her returning DH 'did you remember to thank margot?', 'um, yeah, yeah I did. definitely'.

puntasticusername Sat 10-May-14 16:40:35

Is there any chance that she and DP had some overwhelmingly urgent personal situation to deal with yesterday - eg relationship in crisis, a "right, on Friday night we sit up for as long as it takes and talk this out" sort of thing?

Otherwise I can't immediately imagine any scenario in which it would be understandable for her to forget to thank you for your help. And even then, I would still expect the thankyou to be forthcoming at some point soon...

Gurnie Sat 10-May-14 16:52:21

I agree with you OP, however, I have been guilty of jumping to conclusions a little too quickly and then being proved wrong in a day or two. If I were your friend I would have been effusive in my thanks, you did her a huge favour, that was a mammoth amount of fetching and carrying and on a Friday night when you were all tired.

I'd leave it for today or might possibly send a text saying "Did you have a good night out?" and then see how she responds. Hopefully she will either say "Oh god, I feel so ill but thank you so much for your help!!" If not and if you don't get anything in the next day or two you know she is just very ungrateful. I would definitely not put myself out for someone like that again.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 10-May-14 16:55:27

I couldn't have left it.

I'd have texted 'how was last night?' and if she said 'fine thanks' I'd have said 'Oh, see I drove 15 miles out of my way, back yours, looked after your kids, you were late picking them up and you can't even be arsed to say thanks. I thought you must be in A&E or something but no, you are just a user. Cheers'.

cjelh Sat 10-May-14 17:05:59

I think that until a little more time has passed its a bit early to condemn her, but would like to think I'd be able to say something to prompt her 'the traffic was manic picking up your dcs friday, I was exhausted when I got in' 'hope you had a good weekend I was run ragged'. But leave it a few days in case she has something lovely planned as thanks.

Mrsjayy Sat 10-May-14 17:08:23

cheeky buggers , you run round ragged and just a brief chat nah i wouldnt do it again, why are some people selfish and ungrateful

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 17:10:24

I think we'd end up never speaking again if I sent that Funky although I am tempted. I'm thinking along the same lines as Gurnie, in that I might just send a message asking if she had a good night, or if she's still alive!

I seriously doubt there would have been a big relationship crisis or anything like that.

Mrsjayy Sat 10-May-14 17:14:34

some folk are just thoughtless, I know a few people like that baffles me the expectations of them can you just do this or do that without batting an eye

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 17:16:53

I reckon she's probably got rat arsed last night because they were out early, and is still suffering. I'd be really disappointed to think she would happily be as bad mannered as this, because she's pretty normal usually!

If she doesn't get in touch in the next couple of days I will be contacting her to ask her to have all of mine for an overnighter to return the favour. And I'll give her a bottle of wine "To show my appreciation" and see if she clocks the subliminal message wink.

Mrsjayy Sat 10-May-14 17:18:44

you need a list of chores and pick ups for her to do as well grin

Gurnie Sat 10-May-14 17:20:42

Hope she redeems herself Margot. I actually wouldn't get her to look after mine because I wouldn't want to be shafted like that again but I see what you mean!

Verity87 Sat 10-May-14 17:21:14

YANBU - she's very ungrateful. I certainly would not do this again.

winklewoman Sat 10-May-14 17:26:32

Excellent plan Margot, then please come back and tell us her reaction.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 19:19:10

Well I've just seen that she was over at another mate's with her youngest this aft, so she's obviously fit and well. I'm really annoyed now. I don't know whether to say something but I think I'm just too pissed off and would probably get overheated.

Only1scoop Sat 10-May-14 19:22:09

She lacks manners I'm afraid.

Just don't let her take advantage of you again.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 19:26:45

I know.

I feel stupidly upset about this.

Euphemia Sat 10-May-14 19:33:21

She's beyond rude. Text her.

oldgrandmama Sat 10-May-14 19:35:50

I think that is outrageous behaviour, OP - I'm cross on your behalf. Especially at all the running around you had to do to accommodate her before the sleepover, and then the late collection.

Even my daughter always thanks me, and often her thanks are accompanied with flowers, wine or a card, whenever I've had the three kids to sleep over, and I have them here a lot. It's just basic good manners. I hope you are a lot more sparing with 'favours' for that friend in the future.

You went far and away above the call of duty with that particular favour for your friend. She's got a bloody nerve not to be fall ing on your neck weeping with gratitude angry

cjelh Sat 10-May-14 19:37:16

what a cheek, Just stay calm when you say anythingsmile

Gruntfuttock Sat 10-May-14 19:44:48

Your 'friend's' attitude is very insulting, OP. It shows a complete lack of respect and I can certainly understand how hurtful it must be to realise this. I'm not surprised you're angry. You should be.

500smiles Sat 10-May-14 19:47:13

Oh that's bad of her. I wondered if she'd overdone it and was spending the day groaning in bed vomiting.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 19:58:43

That's how I feel - that it's totally dismissive and insulting.

I texted her at about 6pm to ask if she had a good night and if she's okay today and haven't had a reply. Mind that's not unusual.

I feel like sending one saying "Have I got fucking mug tattoed on my fucking forehead or what?" but I won't.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:10:02

Please don't feel bad. You did something really lovely smile.

If it makes you feel a tiny bit better I can be too nice and giving. I look back and think "why did I go to that much effort?!" blush

Some people are takers, and some people have friendships they very much for granted. Especially, if you are always there and wonderful, etc.

It is not wrong of you to be that way, but maybe is wasted on the wrong person.

I would be tempted to follow-up and see if she is going to thank you. I have a feeling though from her sense of entitlement she may retort with some rubbish such as "Of course I am grateful! I'd do the same for you. I did not realise I had to overboard in thanking you" hmm. Or some other such rubbish.

One thing I have noticed is that I used to think "takers" used to be only that way with me. Especially if they would fawn over someone else who did nothing for them. However, I have heard about these types from other people who were fed up of them too. If your friend is a taker, just remember she may be very adapt at protecting her image of herself by deny, deny, deny.

Just disengage, draw a line under it and move on grin

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 07:44:28

Thanks Buddy80, you do speak sense. However I know if I did bluntly say 'You know I'm really pissed off that you didn't even text me a basic thank you after I really put myself out for you," then I know she'd probably be very gushy and effusive saying how sorry she was and how she totally appreciated it etc.

I sent two texts last night and have had a reply to neither. I would feel really pathetic and needy saying I'm annoyed, so they were just basic "Are you okay? Have a good night?" ones.

I'm really fucked off though, but I know if I let rip it'll cause irreprable damage.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 07:45:26

irreparable

Only1scoop Sun 11-May-14 07:48:02

Then do nothing....

Is that three texts you have sent in total?

Leave it now....and when she eventually gets in touch you have every reason to be blunt.

She is rude.

Lacks manners.

I can't stand people like that. I bet she does it with others also.

BerniesBurneze Sun 11-May-14 07:48:53

If you ask for a thank you and see gives it, you wouldn't really want it anyway.

Don't say anything, and don't consider yourself a friend any more.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:52:24

Margot yes, she may well try the "gushy" tactic. Funny how she could be charming when suits, eh? wink. She has probably done that before only for some poor sap to turn around and apologise to her.

I agree with only1 she is rude and I bet too she has done it with others. I am sure she can turn on the charm and be lovely. But it's just words isn't it? Being "lovely" has cost her nothing. It is just a shame she could not action it by thank you properly.

You could be petty, and in a few months mention a favour a friend has done for you and what you did to thank them.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:53:52

The thing is, if you don't want the hassle of a fall-out and just want to draw a line, move away from the friendship slowly.

Funny thing is, I wonder if you'll get a quick thank you text tommorrow with her just saying she was swampted over the weekend.

She has treated you really quite badly.

Expected you to run round after her dc's so she didn't have to.
Picked them up 1.5 hours late.
Didn't pick up the phone to text or call to thank you.
Has ignored your texts since the night out.

She doesn't appear to hold you in high regard unless she wants something.

Cut her out, she's a user.

LynetteScavo Sun 11-May-14 08:12:43

I think she sees you as a closer friend than you see her. I wouldn't mind (well I would mind as my good friend also has a, um hardwork child) but I'd do it with out expecting more than a thank you from the do. The not responding to texts would annoy me though.

Coconutty Sun 11-May-14 08:19:41

I would not be inclined to spend much time with her anymore.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 08:35:22

I sent two texts last night, second one simply You ok? She has form for being crap at replying to text messages (or for answering the phone or emails as well tbh, and not just with me). She really is shit in that respect.

The thing is we are very close in terms of we've seen eachother through a lot of shit, we can sit up talking for hours and have a laugh, our h/p are great friends, our dc all love spending time together.

To fall out over this would be awful, but I don't know how to make her aware that I'm pissed off at being taken for granted without coming over all needy, and her sensing implied criticism and getting defensive.

Lynette did you mean your first sentence to be the other way round?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sun 11-May-14 08:54:17

Arrange a sleepover for your kids and see what happens. Ask them to pick them up from school or whatever.

If it proves tricky for them to agree to, I'd stick to Coconutty's plan and disengage.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 09:00:39

Margot if you feel that leaving the friendship would be OTT, by all means carry on if that is what you feel is best. However, this weekend may make you take a different view. If you chat for hours with her, that is great. Or, does she just talk? If she is rubbish at replying in general, you could give her a couple more days to respond.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 11-May-14 09:06:56

Ugh, rude.

With your latest update, OP, you could be describing a close friend of mine...down to a T.

She is incredibly flaky with time (always late for everything...not 15 minutes, but hours). Never rsvp's to anything, never thanked anyone for her wedding or baby presents, never ever picks up the phone if you call her, never replies to emails or texts in a timely fashion.

I (politely and calmly) called her on her behaviour once, when I was sick of her rudeness and of being taken for granted. She had an absolute fit over it, made a huge drama, and sent me emails saying I'd made her cry at work. shock

You can't win with these people. The only thing you can do, if you're not willing to ditch the friendship, is protect yourself by being less accommodating. Start saying 'no'. ('No, sorry, I can't pick up the iPad'). Also, put strict time limits on things like pick-ups, even if you have to white-lie, or just omit the full truth. e.g. tell her you have to leave the house to be somewhere at x time.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 09:18:32

I think it would be very awkward, and yes, probably a bit OTT to end years of friendship over this thoughtlessness. We do both talk, it's not just me listening to her monologues.

In some ways I don't know if I'm being a drama queen. I don't expect champagne and bouquets of flowers and fawning gratitude, but I feel like I'm being blanked as opposed to thanked!

I think I'll just ask her to have mine to return the favour, and as I said earlier, give her a bottle of wine for it (I would do this anyway so it's not just to make a point!).

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 09:37:25

You are not being a "drama queen" not in the least. It was a big favour you did for her which cost you time and money.

Maybe, at best, if you can accept that she is not very giving or grateful you can tailor your friendship for what works for you.

pictish Sun 11-May-14 09:44:44

I know, I don't expect fawning gratitude and we've had each other's older dc sleeping over loads. In those cases it is a breezy 'Thanks!' from both of us. Her younger son is a bloody handful though who will not settle down and it was pretty fraught tbh, especially on a Friday night when you're knackered anyway. That, on top of the taxiing etc, made it feel over and above the call of duty.

See....I think you're in danger of sullying a good friendship over very little here, tbh. It sounds to me like she's the sort of pal that assumes you know she's grateful, and that she'd do the same for you.
Unless she has a habit of being takey and ungracious, while you do all the running, then I think this is one of those times you take note (self preservation and all that) but let it slide.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 10:11:09

In some ways I don't know if I'm being a drama queen. I don't expect champagne and bouquets of flowers and fawning gratitude, but I feel like I'm being blanked as opposed to thanked!

you are not being a drama queen at all how is her being rude and dissmisive of you make you dramatic hmm you are good friends and she is taking you and the friendship for granted, it really is HER not you, just don't be so available as some folk just take the piss,

I had a friend like this we still chat get on blah blah but when i was no longer at her beck and call then she sort of dumped me meh her loss

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 10:13:28

Thanks Buddy80.

I know Pictish, and I think you're right - take note and let it slide. It would be really petty of me to be all "Humph! You didn't even say thank you,", it sounds silly. I just know I felt hurt when I saw she was off at another mate's in afternoon obviously having a coffee and a nice chinwag - like I'd served my purpose doing the knackering bit and don't get a thanks or kiss me arse or anything.

Anyway! What's done is done. I'll be more aware in future, certainly (and she's definitely having my youngest overnight very soon, that'll be the best karma wink).

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 10:15:22

Sorry Mrsjayy, x post.

Definitely will be more circumspect about the favours I'm willing to do.

eddielizzard Sun 11-May-14 10:33:32

yes, the only way to redress this is for her to reciprocate. and no i wouldn't give her a bottle of wine because you'll feel resentful again. just say 'thanks, really appreciate it.'

she obviously doesn't feel the same way about thank yous as you do.

and if she doesn't have your kids, then you know she's a good old user and 'no' is a complete sentence.

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