...to want to say 'honour and obey' in my vows?

(522 Posts)
SteelyMindedLiberal Thu 08-May-14 13:46:00

Background: we're both feminists. He's a strong personality, very intelligent, very loving, considerate, supports my career, does (more than) half the housework, cooking etc. We're not Christian or conservative.


I am completely submissive to him and he sets the tone in every aspect of our relationship. Obviously there is a strong (and very hot!) BDSM undercurrent to all this. But it goes way beyond the bedroom: he leads, I follow, it's obvious and noticeable, and we both love it.

He's 'in charge'; never controlling. I am always listened to, and feel completely equal. I just do as he says and trust him to do the right thing. We're not ashamed of how we are, it's fundamental to us and because of that we want it to be included in our vows. He says it's up to me but he would like it very much, and I really, really want to say it.

BUT: it would mean outing our 'activities' to all our family and friends. I don't want our wedding to become all about that one line. Maybe no one would really care or give it any thought? We're happy to simply say: 'that's our dynamic and it works for us', to most people, but he has a 20-year-old daughter and it's her we're most worried about. She's sassy and worldly and she'd get it at once and probably be fine with it in private, but might find it really embarrassing and awkward... argh!

Help! It's the whole please ourselves or please others thing, I suppose...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-May-14 13:47:34

Wouldn't 'out' you in the slightest. If anyone notices (which I doubt) just say you like the traditional words... hmm

nethunsreject Thu 08-May-14 13:47:38


MagnaCharge Thu 08-May-14 13:50:07

I am pretty sure not many people notice or care what marriage vows others make. In fact people sitting further back than the front couple of rows won't hear anyway

SteelyMindedLiberal Thu 08-May-14 13:50:40

It's a civil wedding, that's all... and no other words will be all that traditional - basically it'll be obvious we've stuck 'em back in. I really would love no one to really notice / pay any heed though, because it's for us and not them! So just a big fat overthink on my part?

MaidOfStars Thu 08-May-14 13:50:53

Maybe no one would really care

If I hear someone honouring and obeying, I assume (rightly or wrongly) that they are a bit religious. I certainly couldn't give a shit if it actually refers to their bedroom antics.

You're not "outing" anything, except in your own head.

WipsGlitter Thu 08-May-14 13:51:11

I'm sorry you think using the word 'obey' will lead people to realise you do BDSM? You're overthinking it, I would not have thought that until you mentioned it. No one will care or notice. They will just want to get the service over with so they can get the free booze.

What utter bollocks.

MorrisZapp Thu 08-May-14 13:51:36

I doubt anybody would notice, and if they did they'd wait until another time to mention it, or at most they'd mention it in a jokey way on the day.

I don't see why you can't promise him the obedience stuff privately though? I can think of all sorts of things that dp and I would promise in private that are not for public consumption, especially with kids earwigging.

Don't invite people to watch you make public vows that you can't publically support.

MagnaCharge Thu 08-May-14 13:51:59

Also you say 'obviously' there is an 'undercurrent'. What nonsense nobody (or very fee people) would assume that because you choose to make traditional vows.

LoopyKitten Thu 08-May-14 13:53:16

Could you tell me more about your relationship? I find it fascinating.

On the vow front, just do it. People will probably ask you why, but you could either tell the truth or say the traditional thing as above. Your call.

crazykat Thu 08-May-14 13:53:35

When we got married we were asked if we wanted to say "honour and obey" as some don't want it to be part if their vows while others do.

If you want to say it then do. If anyone asks (which I doubt) just tell them you wanted to say the traditional vows.

MaidOfStars Thu 08-May-14 13:53:43

Just to be clear, I'm assuming that you aren't going to draw attention to the "hidden" meaning during the ceremony because you sound like the kind of person who might

nethunsreject Thu 08-May-14 13:53:45

I kind of wonder if you wish people would make a thing of it tbh.

Fwiw, no one will be listening, just looking at you both getting married and looking forward to a party

No one will notice and if they do they will just think you prefer the traditional service part.

nethunsreject Thu 08-May-14 13:54:27

cross post maidofstars. Yeah, I thought that too!

LoopyKitten Thu 08-May-14 13:55:04

Ah, I'd love to see a BDSM version of 4 weddings or Don't tell the bride. Brilliant.

Oh and even if they notice they will be too polite to comment

At least that's if they're normals - if you're having a gimp wedding and there's a load of leashes about someone will say something grin

Thurlow Thu 08-May-14 13:55:33

I'd say it's an overthink. If I heard honour and obey in the vows I would think you just wanted the old vows, not that you were in a BDSM relationship.

It's your wedding! Stop overthinking and go with what you want to do on your wedding day.

Martorana Thu 08-May-14 13:55:35

The dubious word in your OP is not "obey" but "feminist". Follow whatever crackpot dynamic you want, but you are in deep denial if you think you are a feminist.

LoopyKitten Thu 08-May-14 13:55:41

Tarts and vicars, sort of

clapofthunder Thu 08-May-14 13:56:06

Huh? What a strange AIBU.

No-one will care or even remember.

BreconBeBuggered Thu 08-May-14 13:56:27

Supposing your DP were the submissive partner, would you consider using that particular vow? Or is it only okay because you're female?

steff13 Thu 08-May-14 13:57:48

It's your wedding, say what you want.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 08-May-14 13:59:32

Omg you are so ridiculous. Seriously get back into the real world. Do you really think people are sitting there dissecting your vows for hidden meanings.

Blu Thu 08-May-14 13:59:36

It would be interesting if other couples were allowed to hide (or declare - depending on which way you look at it) their sexual dynamic / bedroom practices in their vows.

Unless you explain it, people will think you are bizarre, and yes, you will spend the whole day explaining. And then discussing, and getting irritated or frustrated, presumably.

Unless you could compose or adapt one of those wedding invitation poems that explained it in advance? I am sure one of the MN wedding poem experts could help?

And - to live a certain way you don't have to promiose to it as part of your wedding vows. After all lots of things that people commit to in theier marriage is not spelled out in the vows.

And - the marriage service is a contract. Your current dynamic is concensual.

And - it sounds as if you do equate the onbey business with your hot sex life -do you really want to bring this into your marriage service, in public? It seems a bit tacky. Not your sexual dynamic, but putting it in the wedding service.

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