To think my old schoolfriend should not have brought her family to reunion

(183 Posts)
Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 09:49:29

A group of us who hung around together at school have kept in intermittent touch over the years. However, due to distance, family commitments and work we haven't managed to meet up as a full group in years. Recently, however, circumstances meant we were all going to be in our home town on the same weekend and arranged to meet up for an early dinner on the Sat. before one of the group had to catch a train home.

Five of us arrived and were seated with glasses of wine wondering where no 6 was. Next thing in she arrived with a buggy, two other kids and her DH. She was all smiles and 'hope you don't mind, but we were at the art gallery and it was much handier for us all to come. Kids haven't eaten blah blah'. So instead of a nice couple of hours reminiscing and having a good laugh, we spent the time having to try and include her DH, put up with constant interruptions from her DC aged 10 ,8 and 2 and watch our Ps & Qs.

AIBU to think her DH could have taken the kids to McDs or somewhere (there was actually a family friendly pizza place right beside the restaurant we were in) rather than her entire family gatecrashing what was supposed to be a girls only reunion?

She obviously had a different interpretation of what you were doing. It happens to me all the time!

Sparklingbrook Sun 04-May-14 09:50:54

YANBU. I would have been really disappointed, sad

Nomama Sun 04-May-14 09:51:30

Wow! Odd behaviour. She must have been oblivious or very much under the thumb!

ThePriory Sun 04-May-14 09:53:25

YABU.

Pagwatch Sun 04-May-14 09:56:06

YANBU

Don't invite her next time. Completely self absorbed or has a tit of a dh.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 04-May-14 09:56:08

YANBU.

I can't even imagine my DH wanting to tag along on something like that.

ApocalypseThen Sun 04-May-14 09:56:12

You'd think she would have noticed that her family weren't included in the arrangement when she arrived. Why can't dad do beans on toast at home?

They sound weird.

LIZS Sun 04-May-14 09:57:12

yanbu at all ! Was she always one for playing by her own rules ?

Sirzy Sun 04-May-14 09:57:27

She should have at least mentioned it to you all well in advance so you were aware.

WooWooOwl Sun 04-May-14 09:57:32

YANBU.

Only1scoop Sun 04-May-14 09:57:35

Yanbu....

Blimey I'm suprised her Dh didn't excuse himself and brood and actually wanted to sit there!

indigo18 Sun 04-May-14 09:58:12

May sound mean but I would have put them at one end of the table and then carried on regardless with the others; if she wanted to be interacting with her family instead, let her get on with it!

MorrisZapp Sun 04-May-14 09:58:32

YANBU, I detest this behaviour. To be fair to her, she was just thoughtless. Some people think that their own kids and husbands are so great they would be a welcome addition at an adult women only gathering.

It changes everything. Not acceptable.

Tinkerball Sun 04-May-14 09:58:53

Of course yanbu, the presence of children at an adult reunion totally changes the dynamics, she either didn't care or didn't understand, and then the presence of a complete stranger to the majority of you changes it even more.

meditrina Sun 04-May-14 09:58:53

Yes, very odd. If they had to stay in same venue, I'd have expected her DH to take the DC off to another table out of earshot.

And, I would be very tempted not to mind Ps&Qs, and if she objected just say "if you think it's suitable to bring your DC to a planned adult gathering, it's illogical for you to object to the adult content"

Sparklingbrook Sun 04-May-14 09:59:31

My DH would have not wanted to be there and taken the DC off with pleasure.

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 10:35:17

None of us had even met her DH before. They had a tiny wedding abroad. It was bloody awkward and I have no idea how he couldn't have realised he was imposing himself.

Hoppinggreen Sun 04-May-14 10:39:26

Sounds like they have rhino hides - very odd behaviour!!

turgiday Sun 04-May-14 10:43:55

YANBU this is very odd behaviour.

DurhamDurham Sun 04-May-14 10:50:45

Not sure that she could genuinely have misunderstood the situation, even if she had it would have been very obvious as soon as she arrived. At that point it would have been polite and sensible for the hubby to have taken the children away to have dinner at another venue.

Either forget to invite her next time or be VERY specific about the arrangements grin

I do agree my DH would have probably taken the DCs off to browse but I wonder if the arrangements weren't clear - "meet up for early dinner" could potentially include families.

When I was heavily pregnant MIL arranged a party for DH's aunt, her SIL as it was a big birthday. DH was going to be on paternity leave and men in that generation of the family are retired so I assumed it was a 'full family' thing. After talking to DH's cousins it turned out that only the women seemed to be going. So DH stayed behind (at this point it really wasn't clear whether he was expected or not) and I travelled down with a 4day old and a 2yo to find it was a 'girlie' day - DS was very welcome but it was only the women of the family. Everyone else just seemed to 'get' this without having to be told. I think some of my senses aren't quite right. It was DH's aunt!!!

turgiday Sun 04-May-14 10:52:35

Has she always been dense about social expectations? Or is her Husband very controlling?

Gurnie Sun 04-May-14 10:53:49

Yanbu at all. What a strange thing to do. I could have understood if they'd all popped by and then the DH had gone off with the kids for a couple of hours and left you to it. What a shame!

Do you really think it's that obvious?
We're all in town on the same day - let's meet up for an early dinner!
I genuinely wouldn't know whether it was 'girls only' or families.
We have regular university get togethers and partners/wives/husbands are expected, often they don't come but when they do it's nice..

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 10:57:17

No, it was quite clear that it was just meant to be us. There were texts about booking a table for six etc. She actually said, when she arrived, 'I hope you don't mind but......' so she knew we weren't expecting her DH and DCs.

I remember years ago she used to bring her boyfriend along to everything, always with a big smile and an assumption that everyone was delighted to see him, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised.

And presumably the reason she was in town was the trip she was having with her family!
What did all your families do? Or were you all in town on your own.

Ah OK ignore everything I've said on this thread then smile If it was always going to be just you then that is inappropriate.

Istareatthesky Sun 04-May-14 10:58:44

Got to be a controlling husband issue surely? I'm sure it would have curtailed the conversation somewhat, particularly "the remember when you snogged the face off those 5 lads at that party" variety. If it wasn't a controlling husband issue, what on earth was she playing at? Was she a good friend at school?

Thetallesttower Sun 04-May-14 10:59:41

Some people are like this, genuinely don't get why you aren't pleased to see their husband and family. It's very self-centred and immune to social conventions. If I am meeting up with friends, we discuss- with partners, without, children or no and clarify so we know what kind of event it is. If it was a meet up with 6 of you for old times sake then it was extremely clear it was a girlie night. She knew you weren't bringing your families (presumably you could have done) but just chose to impose hers on you.

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 10:59:53

Two of us still live in the same town, the others left their dcs with husbands or grandparents. She and her DH were staying with her parents and she also has two sisters living nearby.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 04-May-14 11:01:05

YANBU.

I have a friend (now moved up North!) who when she first started seeing her relatively new boyfriend (now DH) he came along every time we met up.

This was fine when he first started seeing her but there were one or two times (cafe, casual meet up) where I'd really have preferred to see her to talk e.g. about sensitive subjects without her boyfriend! I never said anything but I did wonder if he was maybe imposing or she was imposing him without me realising!

Maybe I should have said something….

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 11:01:48

Istare she was best friends with one of the group and very good friends with the rest of us.

Sfh I moved up north is it me? ;)

RainbowSpiral Sun 04-May-14 11:06:54

This would have really annoyed me too. I love adult only time. Perhaps that's why a lot of the girlfriends I have stuck with have not got kids.

Mrsjayy Sun 04-May-14 11:23:16

My friend brought her husband to a female only weekend for a birthday that was awkward shock some peoples lack of self awareness astounds me sometimes

Peekingduck Sun 04-May-14 11:25:45

Your friend will be on here at some point in the future "AIBU to be upset that this group of old school friends are organising get-togethers and excluding me?".

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 11:28:30

LOL Peeking. Sincerely hope she's not a mnetter shock

i spose if she was with her DH and her children seeing the art gallery she thought it was appropriate.
perhaps her DH cant cope with their DC on his own.

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 11:29:22

ps We have considered organising another get together and just not inviting her. blush

Joylin Sun 04-May-14 11:30:25

Yanbu, she was aware that the arrangements were for the six of you but chose to inflict her family on everyone, there's no excuse for being so self absorbed and rude. I think you were unreasonable to pander to her though, people only behave like this because others fail to make their displeasure clear.

She's one of those deluded people who thinks her family is fascinating to everybody else, she's probably at home imagining how impressed you all are with her husband and reproductive capabilities.

Sirzy Sun 04-May-14 11:31:59

Perhaps try to do two get togethers a year - a day out to the zoo or something where kids and husbands are invited if they wish and then a strictly "girls only" day/meal?

isitsnowingyet Sun 04-May-14 11:33:56

I bet you were all polite on the night though. Perhaps she is somewhat slow on the uptake and needs telling if you and your friends were all pissed off with her? Awkward

isitsnowingyet Sun 04-May-14 11:34:35

Good suggestion from Sirzy that sounds diplomatic way round!

Joylin that's mean sad

Caitlin17 Sun 04-May-14 11:48:08

Awful behaviour. I agree she sounds like one of those people who think her family is the most fascinating thing ever. As for the husband any man with an ounce of gumption and common sense would have left and taken the children.

Caitlin17 Sun 04-May-14 11:49:21

Joylin that was not mean.

expatinscotland Sun 04-May-14 11:50:08

YANBU

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 11:50:19

She was like this with her ex boyfriend as well so I'm not sure why it's her DH's fault.

Some people just seem to think everything should be with their partner without consideration that, even if their friends find their partner delightful, might not actually want them tagging along to everything.

Maybe if the opportunity comes up again say something like 'the restaurant is fully booked so won't be able to accommodate any extra people this time' If she responds with an 'oh but DH...' then say 'ah well, never mind, catch you another time'.

Caitlin17 Sun 04-May-14 11:51:30

Sirzy why on earth should a group of adult women have to organise and attend a "family event" just because one of them is joined at the hip with her husband ?

YANBU - when some people become mums does all else evaporate from their head?

Peekingduck Sun 04-May-14 11:52:53

Oh, come on... organise another and in the email say "This is for the girls only. It was lovely to meet your children and DH for the first time Oblivious, but this time we plan to let our hair down a bit".

ilovesooty Sun 04-May-14 11:55:31

When she got to "I hope you don't mind" surely the most helpful response would have been "Well actually, we do."

She was incredibly rude but why did none of you say anything?

I would have loved to have said that sooty but I don't think I would have.

if this were my situation

CoffeeTea103 Sun 04-May-14 12:05:03

Yanbu, she was very rude. I can see how she spoilt the whole get together. Some people really think the world should revolve around them. Did her own DH not even think for himself not wanting to be around a group of women have a get together seeing as she can't use her own brains. Ffs I would have been very annoyed and let her know it.

ilovesooty Sun 04-May-14 12:06:45

Yes I admit it sounds easier in theory than in practice. grin

I'd certainly have made my displeasure very clear though - I think I'd have said I hadn't expected a family gathering, and left if no one had said anything. I'd want to establish future expectations as well before I accepted another invitation.

AlpacaYourThings Sun 04-May-14 12:13:45

YANBU.

She was rude.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 04-May-14 12:19:46

Yanbu very selfish of her, backed you all in a corner that you could not say no. Could her dh not take tge kids off to Pizza Hut or something?

ilovesooty Sun 04-May-14 12:24:01

I'm gobsmacked at slarty's comment. Wtf would there be any question of her husband not being able to cope with the children on his own?

lurkerspeaks Sun 04-May-14 12:30:07

I have a friend who used to do this but as time has passed she now comes along to stuff on her own.

I think some of it was down other husbands insecurity about who she was meeting/ what she was doing. He now realises that the chat can be a it dull and we aren't likely to lead her (very far) astray.

It used to drive me bonkers as the conversation could never be totally open.

ilovesooty Sun 04-May-14 12:32:18

Oh great. She can now come on her own now her controlling husband has vetted the proceedings? How depressing.

tiredbutstillsmiling Sun 04-May-14 12:40:55

My BF is like this - she even works with her husband! (Both teachers is same school).

6 years ago I had 2 hen do's - a weekend away but another meal for people who couldn't afford the weekend. She asked if her DH could attend the meal - they rarely do things apart. I felt I couldn't say no so agreed. He was the only man in amongst 10 women. He didn't seem bothered!

Tbh I've gotten so used to seeing them as a pair I always assume a meet up with her is a meet up with her DH too!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sun 04-May-14 12:51:17

yanbu.

I have a couple of friends like this. There aren't control issues, they just don't socialise in single gender groups. I like an occasional meal or drinks night that us just women. We make it clear what the plan is and one friend always still rocked up with her sheepish dh in tow. We now explicitly say its just us this time and if you can't make it without x, we'll see you next time.

No way would I be happy arranging babysitting and someone else bringing their kids. angry

DurhamDurham Sun 04-May-14 13:49:39

How depressing to have to do everything together as a couple, I love my husband dearly but I would hate to have him there ALL THE TIME. I love nights out with friends. It must be a very insular, insecure existence to live like that.

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 13:53:50

There was a thread on here recently and it seems some couples are just happy that way so I wouldn't worry about feeling sorry for them.

Not my thing either, but there you go. It takes all sorts etc.

thebodylovesspring Sun 04-May-14 14:02:29

Sounds like her dh may be controlling. I have a work colleague whose dh was very angry that she had arranged to meet up for lunch with us and have a few drinks during school hols( no kids invited).

He said she had no business going drinking in the day and leaving the kids with her mother!!! Knob head.

Or she's the type who thinks her kids are so fascinating everyone wants to meet them.

Either way it's ridiculous and rude.

If you do it againg email no spouses or children.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 04-May-14 14:30:54

Can, t believe she didn, t take the opportunity to have some "me-time"....!

I would be pissed off too if I was in this situation, especially as PP says, if you, d organised a babysitter!

smartypants1000 Sun 04-May-14 15:52:22

Surprised everyone thinks this is odd. It wouldn't occur to me to think it was unusual and be annoyed about it. Perhaps she wanted you to meet her family seeing as you haven't before and may not get the chance again for a while? Why wouldn't her friends be interested in her life and want to meet the most important people to her?

ilovesooty Sun 04-May-14 15:58:51

Why would they want to be landed unexpectedly with her husband and children at a prearranged all female gathering when the others had arranged childcare?

Peekingduck Sun 04-May-14 16:00:32

Smarty, they booked a table for 6 and had exchanged emails saying this. Why on earth would anyone think that was the right time to drag the family along to introduce them? Or if she did want to introduce them, then just do that and then husband toddles off with the kids to Pizza Hut or wherever and is never seen again.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sun 04-May-14 16:07:24

The family were definetly being rude. Either
(1) they are socially unawares, in which case it will need to be explicit next time
(2) her DH is a controlling arse, I which case tread lightly as you dont want to cut her off entirely
(3) her DH may be unwilling to watch his own kids alone, so again be explicit next time its ladies only

Is any of that group in regular contact? Could they not te t or call and say something along the lines of "nice to see you but big surprise seeing the whole clan! Id have thought the kids would have preferred a pizza hut/mcdonalds that sitting listening to an adult group" amd see what the response is.

antimatter Sun 04-May-14 16:07:45

she should be told next time - pl ease don't bring your family along, and say all of other things you've mentioned in your post

it's unfair on all 5 of you

Caitlin17 Sun 04-May-14 16:08:15

Smarty I can just about at a push understand taking husband and children along very briefly to say hello and then they all disappear sharply for the test of the night but to turn up and stay? Absolutely not

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 04-May-14 16:20:48

Yanbu. I cannot imagine what was going through their heads. It would have been so easy just to take the kids and let her meet her friends. What did he seem like?

Bogeyface Sun 04-May-14 16:28:19

All these shouts of "controlling DH" are a bit previous. She has form for bringing along BF's from their previous life, so it sounds like she is a "Invite one, invite all" kind of person.

I have a friend like this and unless you specifically state "Just you, not H and the kids" she will automatically bring them, and half the time will bring them anyway even if you have made it quite clear. They spend every minute together when they are not at work, it would be very claustrophobic for me but each to their own. There have been times when I got the feeling her H felt very awkward but she clearly couldnt see the problem.

turgiday Sun 04-May-14 17:43:39

It is up to someone if they never want to socialise without their partner. But you dont then bring your partner along to occasions where they are explicitly not invited. If someone behaved like that, I just wouldnt bother inviting them again. I cant be bothered with that level of rudeness and self centredness.

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 18:43:03

To be honest, when she first arrived in with the family in tow I assumed they'd just popped in to meet us and say hello as they were in town with my friend anyway, and would then be leaving us alone. By the time it dawned on me that they were staying another table was already being dragged over beside ours and the kids coats were being taken off. I think we were all just a bit stunned and there were a few WTF looks being exchanged around the table. Definitely if we do it again we'll be pre-empting any such occurrence (if we even invite her).

Dubjackeen Sun 04-May-14 19:07:33

Worked with someone like this, she didn't have kids but the husband was always with her. Even if it was a work evening out, he would manage to appear. She seemed very dependent on him, even though she was a very confident, capable person in the work environment.
I think next time, I'd be very explicit, and as suggested upthread, if she starts on about husband and family coming along, say maybe next time, vaguely.
He should have had the savvy to leave the six of you to it, on that occasion, in my opinion.

Summerbreezing Sun 04-May-14 20:44:22

Smarty why would she assume that on a girls night out for old friends who hadn't seen each other in years, and where everyone else was leaving husbands and children out of it, that we would all want to meet her dh and dcs. We didn't. We were looking forward to being all together for the first time in years and years and to reminiscing about our teenage years and having a laugh about old times.

Sandiacre Sun 04-May-14 21:12:51

YANBU and I actually agree with Joylins forthright post.

Kissmequick123 Sun 04-May-14 22:14:44

Can you say 'no men/kids' onfututre texts

squoosh Sun 04-May-14 23:01:48

YANBU

People who can't socialise without their partner being present are beyond dull.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sun 04-May-14 23:27:23

In this circumstance I'd think it was odd for someone to bring a friend, never mind their entire family. It clearly wasn't a more the merrier type event.

carabos Mon 05-May-14 07:56:39

I think some women people stop seeing themselves as individuals when in a serious relationship. "I" and "we" mean the same thing and they are oblivious to social cues to the contrary.

I once had a get together for a bunch of female friends for my birthday. It was lunch in a restaurant near to where we all worked, and the plan was late lunch then knock off work (we didn't all work together, but in the same vicinity iyswim). One friend didn't work, so travelled in from home. Her DH, who also worked with some of us, then appeared and stayed for the lunch uninvited. Worse, she then made him pay for the whole thing (he's wealthy, but that's not the point).

The whole group discussed the utter weirdness of this for months.

angelos02 Mon 05-May-14 08:02:12

YANBU. A couple of people at brought their 'DP's to the work's Xmas party last year. How sad is that? I was only there because I had to be.

WipsGlitter Mon 05-May-14 08:10:17

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. If it was early - 6ish it doesn't really say 'girls night out' to me, more an early tea. If she was visiting from somewhere else it maybe made sense for her and DP and kids to stick together before going home or back to their hotel. If she was only visiting she might have had a lot of commitments to fit in and was going her best bit to let you all down.

OTOH it would have peed me off. How was the rest if it, did she join in or leave her husband to it?

Can / would her best friend in the group be willing to speak to her about this?

Weird. I could understand the kids if she'd had a last minute childcare let down. But dh as well? And how come he went along with it, surely he must have felt odd.

bishboschone Mon 05-May-14 08:15:25

I woukd have been annoyed. im not Mary poppins and I have a son with sn so adult time is sacred. she obvious knew they werent invited because she asked if you didn't mind as they entered.

MsAspreyDiamonds Mon 05-May-14 08:20:31

I have a friend who was like this & her dh came to everything until they split.. It was only after their divorce that we realised what a controlling bastard he was & that he wouldn't allow her to go anywhere by herself. Things aren't always as they seem so don't jump to judgements without knowing the full story.

MsAspreyDiamonds Mon 05-May-14 08:22:54

ah ok so she has form for this type of behaviour...then I would be annoyed with her

Pennyforthegal Mon 05-May-14 08:24:04

I think if she was one of the group away from home it's understandable.... Would her dh have had to pick her up later and leave the dc at home and would her dh not mind her being out all evening when they were staying wyoith her family?
I can see the arrangements might have been awkward but she didn't want to let you down completely.

angelos02 Mon 05-May-14 08:31:44

penny the DH should have taken the Kids somewhere else. It's not healthy that they can't be apart for a few hours.

pictish Mon 05-May-14 08:39:36

Your friend was bu to bring them along, yes. Next time make it crystal clear that the invite is for one only, and that husbands and kids are expected to be elsewhere.

I remember organising a ladies night out with my close friends once, years ago. I had been through a dark, emotional, stressful event, and rang round telling them I needed a let-loose-with-my-homies sesh. One turned up with her new boyfriend in tow, and they proceeded to spend the evening slurping, stroking and giggling at one another, while the rest of us quietly hmm at one another.

CountessVronsky Mon 05-May-14 08:40:35

I would have been bitterly disappointed.

I stayed with a school friend recently in the US and his (much younger) boyfriend was with us the whole time. We had to weave him into our every conversation, no meandering trips down memory lane.

Sounds fantastically awkward.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 08:55:33

I do find it a bit odd.

I have a friend who brings her DH to every take away night or meet up with friends. It's weird. I mean, we like him but he's never invited, but she brings him anyway.

I like spending time with my DH but we also like time apart. I just can't understand why some people are incapable of going out separately, just don't bother.

IdealistAndProudOfIt Mon 05-May-14 09:03:32

I would have been that person. Given that you're only in intermittent contact, you're hardly that close. I wouldn't want my precious family time to be interrupted for a bunch of people from school. I don't do individual gender meet-ups either, they annoy me.

Although if it had been made clear that my family were not welcome, I would simply have got the hump and not come myself then.

pictish Mon 05-May-14 09:05:37

ooooooh!

ApocalypseThen Mon 05-May-14 09:08:19

Like those people who won't consider going to weddings if their children aren't invited, because if you don't want their children around at an event, you don't want their parents either.

ilovesooty Mon 05-May-14 09:17:34

Hopefully Idealist you just wouldn't have attended in the first place rather than exhibit the poor manners this woman did.

Casmama Mon 05-May-14 09:20:55

One way round it might have been to say to the husband "how lovely to meet you but you don't want to be bored with our chat and we're dying to catch up properly so why don't you and the kids go and sit over at that tAble over there and leave us girls to it" big smile!

Casmama Mon 05-May-14 09:23:49

Really idealist??? People you have not seen for years get inconvenienced for your "precious family time"?
I'm guessing with your attitude you probably wouldn't have been invited anyway.

pictish Mon 05-May-14 09:26:04

Casmamma - no, you wouldn't. Surely not? Once he/they are there, manners dictate that you accommodate. You can't send people away like that!

pictish Mon 05-May-14 09:27:05

I'd be all "of course...no problem!" while inwardly grimacing.

Only1scoop Mon 05-May-14 09:29:42

Op said she's always had form for having to take her man ....and now dc with her. Next time I probably wouldn't invite her.... but the I find people like that generally dull and irritating anyway.

Casmama Mon 05-May-14 09:29:56

I would actually- not send them out the restaurant but suggest they sit at a different table, yes. I wouldn't press the point and if the dh said they would just join us then would put up with it.
I like to think of it as being direct rather than fucking rude but appreciate others may disagree grin

ssd Mon 05-May-14 09:32:30

I dont think any man in his right mind would think its ok to crash a woman's only meal

most would run a mile

your friends dh is an arse, they are well matched.

Only1scoop Mon 05-May-14 09:33:09

Next time ....make it later....child unfriendly place for supper and then if she doesn't get the hint....there's no hope confused

IdealistAndProudOfIt Mon 05-May-14 09:35:20

Yes, precious family time... When dh works full time and has an hour commute each way every day, and dd is at school.... Don't you people like your families? Why stay with the bloke, why have kids if you don't want to be with them? Puzzled. Mine are young though, I might think differently when they're teens (dreading that).

Non-kids wedding invites surprise me too, tbh. I keep seeing threads on here about them, and the practicalitities alone dictate that I would decline such an invitation without a second thought, sod 'em if the inviter got irritated while knowing my situation.

I probably wouldn't get invited with my attitude, you're probably right. We'd all win then wouldn't we.

angelos02 Mon 05-May-14 09:36:04

Some people really are socially awkward aren't they. How can she have not noticed? Fuckwit.

MarshaBrady Mon 05-May-14 09:36:19

Yanbu, that would irritate and is pretty rude.

ilovesooty Mon 05-May-14 09:37:09

I don't think you can hint with people like that. You have to tell them that the invitation doesn't include their husband and children or not invite them at all in future.

angelos02 Mon 05-May-14 09:38:17

idealist nothing wrong with family time. Just don't rock up to a catch up like the OP's with your family in tow.

MarshaBrady Mon 05-May-14 09:38:19

The dc would have annoyed as much as the dh. One thing that is nice is time without any children or family. Just friends.

ApocalypseThen Mon 05-May-14 09:39:14

Don't you people like your families? Why stay with the bloke, why have kids if you don't want to be with them?

Yes, but liking my family doesn't mean I must have every meal with them. And if it did, I'd decline an invitation where their presence wasn't appropriate.

candycoatedwaterdrops Mon 05-May-14 09:42:33

"I would have been that person. Given that you're only in intermittent contact, you're hardly that close. I wouldn't want my precious family time to be interrupted for a bunch of people from school. I don't do individual gender meet-ups either, they annoy me."

Why would you not just decline the invite?

Only1scoop Mon 05-May-14 09:43:57

Love precious time with family....also enjoy the precious time with my friends as it's pretty scarce these days. Maybe that's the same for OP.

Quite happy to attend the odd wedding without dd.

I do enjoy time with DP but would never drag him along to a girls gig like this. Likewise I wouldn't roll up uninvited with our brood if he was having a supper with some 'men folk'

sarinka Mon 05-May-14 09:44:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 09:45:12

That's right Idealist spending the occasional moment to ourselves is because we hate our families and DH's.

Wtf? hmm

sarinka Mon 05-May-14 09:46:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Mon 05-May-14 09:46:59

Pobble just made me inhale a piece of toast. grin
Idealist - dearie me.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 09:47:45

Sorry!

grin

Only1scoop Mon 05-May-14 09:48:28

Yes can't think why I stay with DP ....I obviously don't like him....or my children as last month I sneaked away for a <sophisticated> blush hen night....

sarinka Mon 05-May-14 09:48:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Mon 05-May-14 09:49:08

I real feel very sorry for those who cannot bear to spend time apart from their children, it's like their whole identity is being 'mum' and I find it really unhealthy

Preciousbane Mon 05-May-14 09:49:20

Regarding precious family time it is great hanging out as a family but it is also good to have time apart. Love is not measured by how joined at the hip a couple or family are.

I love art galleries, DH and DS do not on holidays we have often had a day apart where I go off to an art gallery and they have a day at whatever the science museum is in that city.

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 09:55:38

Idealist if you don't want you 'precious family time to be interrupted by a bunch of people from school' then just decline the invite in the first place. Don't agree to come along and then totally change the tone of the event by dumping your husband and kids into the mix without agreeing this with people beforehand.

Mrsjayy Mon 05-May-14 09:58:44

sharon i love my family but i wouldnt rock up with them to an arranged meal with friends if i was so precious about family time then i just wouldn't go, going out without your family doesnt mean we hate them and i think parents who are so obsessed with their children really unhealthy children do not define us as people,

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 10:07:38

Exactly, my family time is precious but I also haven't lost my identity by being married and having children.

If it was me, my DH would have said 'I'll have DS, you go off and have a nice time'.

IwinIwin Mon 05-May-14 10:09:44

YANBU OP. We stopped inviting someone out because she always, always brought her boyfriend along. Those two lived out of each others pockets, she used to dump everyone once she had a boyfriend and then when she did deign to meet up with us she would drag him along- to our meals, cinema trips even our friends birthday spa day! Since she's so 'me me me' no one bothers with her any more, she seems to think people should chase her and gets annoyed that no one bothers.

I'd give her one more chance OP, specifically state it's just you guys, no partners and if she still brings them then don't invite her out.

In her case it seems she has form for it and in regards to precious family time, she'd been with them all before and could have spent an hour or so away. Sounds like she wants to eat her cake and have it, while not caring that she's putting others out.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Mon 05-May-14 10:12:53

One of my colleagues is famed for bringing her child to all social events even in the bloody evening. Really spoils the dynamics and I find it very attention seeking to be honest

ilovesooty Mon 05-May-14 10:18:34

I don't see why liking your family means you have to sneer at anyone who goes to the odd social gathering without them.

londonrach Mon 05-May-14 10:18:42

Couldn't dh take children off somewhere for an hour or two. Very strange behaviour. If she misunderstood when she arrived and saw no other dh and children they should have returned to museum, park other tea house. Next time just the 5 of you. Very, very strange!

WipsGlitter Mon 05-May-14 10:18:53

iwin she brought him to a spa day - seriously?!!???

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 10:21:53

My friend that does bring her DH to everything, they just sit there in silence! I wonder why they turn up to be honest.

MidniteScribbler Mon 05-May-14 10:22:09

If you're organising another event, then you need to be very clear with her that her DH and children are not invited. There is no need to pussy foot around people like this, they need to be told bluntly or they just keep getting away with their rudeness. "We're having another dinner on x night. It's girls only, we weren't pleased last time when your family attended. We'd love to see you if you can have the night away from them."

CountessVronsky Mon 05-May-14 10:22:23

"precious family time" spent on mumsnet

smile

I have a friend who has spent twenty years where she has never done anything just with her dh, kids have gone everywhere with them
Her eldest is now in uni youngest dd about to leave home and working a part time job and she complains constantly how much she misses them and how lost she feels.
It seems so unhealthy for all concerned.

ilovesooty Mon 05-May-14 10:29:51

Yes I think you're right there Midnite

IwinIwin Mon 05-May-14 10:31:05

WipsGlitter Yep and it was horrible. One of my friends had gained a lot of weight and was just starting to relax with a glass of sparkling and thought of massages when said twatty friend turned up with her DP. My poor friend grabbed her robe on tight and went off for a cry (we all went to see her after making it clear we weren't impressed). What had been a lovely morning turned into an uncomfortable day for everyone.

I felt sorry for the DP at first since it was the first time he'd been put in that position, he thought all the partners were coming. The sympathy stopped when he kept on intruding. Apparently she does the same with his friends, so they are made for each other and never get invites out unless it's an 'everyone' thing.

Yet they often make passive aggressive digs hen they find out there have been nights without them, usually through fb or mutual couple we know who are so veyr close to giving up on them too. Couple of users imho which is a shame because she was a great friend when she was single but when she's coupled she's a self-absorbed mare.

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 10:31:25

I agree hobnob. I always feel sorry for people who drop all their friends, interests and social life when their children come along and just immerse themselves 100% in the kids. They really don't realise how time flies and before they know it those children will be doing their own thing and won't want or need their parents tagging along. Completely parking any life or outlets of your own just makes the whole empty nest thing much much harder. Some people must find themselves just sitting around, looking at empty rooms and wondering how to fill the day.

Likewise, when my father died I was so glad that my mother had always had her own friends and activities as well as stuff they did together. It meant that she didn't suddenly feel like a spare tool at gatherings, or feel she couldn't go places because dad wasn't with her. I'm not saying it made his loss any easier, but it did allow her to go out more and distract herself.

or perhaps it is HER being the contorlling one?

not letting her DH take their kids somewhere else.

turgiday Mon 05-May-14 10:34:58

Whatever you think about spending time with or without your family, bringing along someone who is not invited, without checking first, is rude and self centred. On that grounds alone, I wouldnt invite her again.

Pagwatch Mon 05-May-14 10:36:38

'Precious family time'

Oh dear lord.

As I say to DH 'how can I miss you if you won't go away'

Precious family time is not being joined at the hip.
That is just being fucking dull.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 10:37:28

When I was pregnant with DS my mum said to me, you'll just be DS's mum, that's how people will see you so it's really important to keep your own identity too.

And it's true.

watfordmummy Mon 05-May-14 10:40:31

I don't think YBU but I think we are guilty of not being honest and saying " yes we do mind, it was meant to be us 6, sorry you misunderstood"

One of these days we will be honest, and people will "learn" what is and isn't appropriate.

turgiday Mon 05-May-14 10:42:08

I also find it hard to understand why someone wouldn't like an all woman gathering as mentioned above. Do we really always need men to be around to have a good time?

slithytove Mon 05-May-14 10:46:23

I love my family.

I love them even more after a day --or week--away from them. grin

slithytove Mon 05-May-14 10:46:39

strikeout fail sad

WooWooo Mon 05-May-14 10:47:49

I wouldn't have minded tbh. If you didn't know the husband surely this was a good opportunity to get to know him?

MarshaBrady Mon 05-May-14 10:48:12

I spend a fair bit of time with the dc but even I would give dh short shrift if he rocked up to a do with them. It would be the last thing he'd do anyway.

MarshaBrady Mon 05-May-14 10:49:03

Like this, obvs if they invited it's ok.

Bowlersarm Mon 05-May-14 10:51:55

Oh wow, YANBU. I would have been really disappointed-it just wouldn't have been the same.

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 10:52:11

But that wasn't the purpose of the event WooWooo. We wanted to chat about old boyfriends, school discos, eccentric teachers and basically take a nice long relaxed trip down memory lane. If we'd wanted to meet each other's husbands and kids we'd have arranged to do so, not booked a table for the six of us to have a reunion.

turgiday Mon 05-May-14 10:55:31

Woo woo - If it was a chance to talk to each othesr partners, other partners would have come along too. It wasnt that kind of event.

And sadly some of the people who behave like this, will someday be on MN complaining that their friends organise get togethers, and exclude them.

Tinkerball Mon 05-May-14 10:56:48

Don't you people like your families? Why stay with the bloke, why have kids if you don't want to be with them? Puzzled

Its a big leap from enjoying time as a group of friends = not enjoying time with your family! How on earth did you get that?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 05-May-14 10:56:59

I also find it hard to understand why someone wouldn't like an all woman gathering as mentioned above.

Me too. I've had this happen a couple of times lately - looking forward to a girly night and a male friend (to be fair not a DP, which would be worse) has been invited intruded

If you are meeting with girls from school you want to gossip about how the heart-throb is now a balding accountant, or how so-and-so is on her 5th divorce and what happened at the school disco in 1991. You don't want to politely get to know someone's DH and worse their kids.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 05-May-14 10:57:57

x-posted with OP.

pianodoodle Mon 05-May-14 11:05:42

I'm going to say YABU because I think she could have genuinely thought "friends" wouldn't mind.

Thetallesttower Mon 05-May-14 11:09:43

If the friends wanted an all-inclusive meet the family and husbands and get to know everyone event, they would have checked the numbers and booked a bigger table- a table for six is extremely clear.

There is no room for misunderstanding here, and the fact she said 'sorry, do you mind?' says it all- she knows you minded but carried on anyway.

Meeting other people's husbands and children is fun- if you all agree to do it and all bring your families along. It wasn't that type of event and she knew it.

I would be really clear next time, I've done reunions with just the people (no kids no husbands away for the weekend- perhaps I don't like my family?!) and with families and kids in tow. It's all about being crystal clear with insensitive people.

slithytove Mon 05-May-14 11:23:38

I have three friends from school and we still socialise as a little group. We also meet up with partners in tow and they all get on now. Yet we are still meeting up just the 4 of us this month precisely so we can yabber on about school memories and not bore our DP's to death.

Pretty normal behaviour.

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 11:39:01

Why would 'friends' not mind Piano. Just because people are your friends doesn't mean you can change arrangements at the last minute, bring your kids along to adult only events or husbands along to female get togethers and expect everyone to adapt to what suits you regardless of what was previously agreed. That sounds like using your friends to me.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 11:42:06

I do wonder about people that cease to function outside of their own family unit. Do they have anything to talk about outside of the kids? Say for example if you and DH went out for dinner, is that why you see couples just sitting there in silence?

FunLovinBunster Mon 05-May-14 11:54:49

OP YANBU. Next time you'll just have to spell out your plans in words of less than 1 syllable!

Peekingduck Mon 05-May-14 12:01:08

This is interesting isn't it? Reading some of the replies you can see that there are quite a lot of people out there who would be perfectly happy to stage a similar family gate-crash.
I have a friend who has a rather nasty DP. He just picks on her all the time. We get together for a training run once a week that he doesn't attend. When it was raining hard I sometimes suggested that we opt for lazy comfort and go for a drink instead. Problem was, she would always text him and tell him where we were. Even though she wouldn't normally see him during that time, even if I asked her not to, within a few minutes of getting to the pub there he'd be. Then I'd have to sit for an hour or so listening to him bitching at her. That's very sad for her, but I also think it was rude of her. It's not the way I like to spend an afternoon, so now I don't suggest pub trips any more when it's raining. We just get soaking wet. sad

turgiday Mon 05-May-14 12:09:02

That is really sad duck.

It is interesting those who say they would stage a similar family gatecrash. And then I wonder if they are the same people who will post about not getting invited to stuff, or being sidelined by old friends.

If you don't behave like a good friend, don't expect to be treated like one.

differentnameforthis Mon 05-May-14 12:14:50

I wonder what you would all be saying if a man was posting this about his friends wife & kids....

How very dare her dh & kids want to eat!

turgiday Mon 05-May-14 12:21:47

I would say exactly the same different. A woman and kids shouldn't gate crash an all male gathering of old friends.

And no need for the hyperbole. I am sure there were plenty of places for the man and kids to eat. Nobody is expecting them to wander around starving in sackcloth and ashes while the woman has fun.

squoosh Mon 05-May-14 12:23:00

Um, exactly the same of course. Same scenario, same reaction.

hmm

ilovesooty Mon 05-May-14 12:24:21

I'd say exactly the same if the genders were reversed. It was appallingly rude behaviour and her husband could have taken the children to eat elsewhere.

Pagwatch Mon 05-May-14 12:54:44

I know exactly what I would say because DH attended a friends reunion about three weekd ago and one guy turned up with his girlfriend.
I, he and all the other attendees were 'wtf?'

So yes, exactly the same .

Clingy and a bit pathetic.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 05-May-14 12:59:27

If my DH goes out to meet his friends I don't tag along with DS, unless we've been invited too and in which case they would have their families with them.

It's exactly the same regardless of being a man or women.

DurhamDurham Mon 05-May-14 13:06:28

My two girls are now 20 and 16, the oldest one has moved out and the younger one has a busy social life as well,as working part time and studying for her A levels. I am so pleased that I maintained a healthy social life while they were growing up or I would be very bored and lonely by now.

You do not have to spend every waking moment with your husband and children to prove that you love them, I could not live like that and I would not want my children to feel guilty for growing up and having a life of their own.

VenusDeWillendorf Mon 05-May-14 13:11:00

It does seem rather strange that they didn't sit at a different table! I mean they wouldn't have had to go to macdonalds, or somewhere else, they could have sat across the restaurant!!

There are plenty of tables sprinkled about in a restaurant after all, and that way her arrangements wouldn't have impinged on the group dynamic, as you would all have hand a bit of privacy.

It is difficult to think quickly in this situation, but it is strange that not one of you thought of this. Maybe that's why you're so annoyed!!

However, her DH must be spectacularly un-empowered if he felt only his DW cold handle the kids, and he couldn't look after them at another table/ bring them to the loo himself.

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 16:20:38

Why would it be any different if it was a male outing different. It would be just as odd for a woman to go to a husband's 'all boys' school reunion as it was for this guy and his kids to turn up at our's.

And don't be ridiculous. No one suggested that her dh and dcs shouldn't eat. I even said in my OP that there was a child friendly pizza restaurant right next door to the place we were eating in.

RufusTheReindeer Mon 05-May-14 17:27:40

YANBU

I would have been disappointed and probably whinged for days maybe even weeks

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 20:48:44

I thought we'd clarified this Stealth. We had texted re table booked for six, and just to reinforce - myself and others had also texted ' yes DM can babysit' 'DH will come home early from golf and collect kids from soccer so I can be there at 5.30' etc. There was no ambiguity.

Ragwort Mon 05-May-14 21:05:33

Surely the DH and DC would have been bored senseless at this sort of occasion - can't bear 'extras' turning up like that. But I have a really close friend who finds it hard to do anything without her DH - it annoys me intensly - I would love to spend an evening with her, out for a meal or similar, but she always brings her DH along (even though I leave my DH at home grin) - he is a lovely chap but it just changes the dynamics of the evening.

Summer did you mean that for me? I admitted I was wrong early yesterday smile All my posts since have been silliness

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 21:16:02

Really sorry stealth blush. Glitch on my internet and one of your old posts came up as a recent one. Then internet froze on me so couldn't apologise quickly before you saw my last, totally out of kilter post. Sorry!

ahhh gremlins. I work in IT and that is a technical term

Summerbreezing Mon 05-May-14 21:38:10

Well thanks for being so nice about it. Am a bit mortified (but end of bank holiday wine numbing that a bit. If you were here would offer you wine).

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