To Tell my mother how disgusted I was with her

(64 Posts)
DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:08:41

NC (RalphLaurenLover)

So we all know my mother. She's still sleeping with the married man who was a wife and a 7 year old daughter. Who is clearly taking her for a ride and for all the money she's got had.

His 7 year old daughter is aware of the affair and they've both told her to keep quite about it and she's his "special friend" they've been playing happy families with her and it's disgusting.

She went on holiday a couple of weeks witch was arranged with her friend. 3 days before every day she swore blind she'd come see me and DS every day she failed to show. She even left her friend to get travel up to the airport on her own because the married man she's shagging wanted to take her. She promised to call us before she boarded, I phoned to find she was on the plane and 'forgot' about calling DS to say bye.

She promised to text us whilst she was there, turns out half way through her holiday her phone provider cut her phone off because she'd ran an enormous bill and they thought it'd been lost or stolen, yet never text us once not even on my DS's birthday.

She landed today didn't even get a text to say she'd landed married man had picked her up and she left her friend at the airport and went home with him.

Married man had come to her house where my brother lives every day telling him to do this or that, not to have his music playing or not to have friends round even not to have the heating on! She came home straight away and got in bed with him and has laid there all day because "he's not well"

After trying to get hold of her all day she finally answered she lied and said her phone wasn't working despite the fact it went to voicemail and tells you she's declined your call! She promised to be here by 6 as DS's goes to bed at that time.

6pm DS's is in bed and I've turned the phone off to get into my flat I finally get through at 6:30 and she tells me that she "forgot" and she'd come round now I told her to forget it and I was disgusted that she'd happily forget her own children and grandchild because he was round, it's the 4th time she'd promise to see DS and failed. The phone was off and I've had enough of her. The fact that she'd let DS down again was enough I told her I was disgusted with what she was doing and I have lost all respect for her, I was ashamed that my mother was now sleeping with some other mothers husband whilst she's thinking he's at work and she looks after her daughter! If he was that unwell he should be at home with his wife and daughter not in his mistress's bed. She said she fine with that and I said I wasn't, I am completely done with her she's crossed a line by forcing that child to lie to her mother and another line by promising she's be here when she was only going to come when he'd left.

Was I bu to say this? I'm soo pissed now that I just needed a rant. How dare she and this febal excuse of a man force a 7 year old to lie to her own mother about the fact she's sleeping with this horrid woman and then go out to play happy families with her whilst she's happily leaving her own kids and not bothering with them.

YANBU at all. Your mother is behaving awfully sad I'm so sorry

UnderthePalms Fri 02-May-14 19:15:29

It's a shame she didn't phone on your son's birthday, but it seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on your mum to keep seeing you and phoning you before, during and after her holiday.

UnderthePalms Fri 02-May-14 19:16:59

They are behaving badly with regard to the 7 year old, but she is the dad's responsibility and he is the one letting her down.

FindoGask Fri 02-May-14 19:17:34

"So we all know my mother."

er, do we?

er, do we?

Some of us do, no need to be an arse.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:18:56

Under She was the one who promised she'd phone before she'd left because she'd promised and failed to see DS before she'd gone, she promised to phone on his birthday and once or twice a week whilst she was there and she'd phoned once she'd land to make sure she'd landed safely. I phoned her once when she'd fail to on my son's birthday to be told "married man was trying to get through so I needed to get off the line" and she'd never called back.

I think you are missing the point somewhat Palms. The mother is behaving in a disgraceful way and neglecting her family for the sake of some cheating piece of shit.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:20:11

Findo I've posted a fair bit about my mother actually so some people do.

FindoGask Fri 02-May-14 19:21:28

I don't think I'm being an arse - it's the assumption that bugs me. It just seems so self-important.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:22:20

Palms My mother is going along with this, encouraging this type of hideous behaviour with this poor poor child if anyone made my DS's lie to me about something so wrong every party involved would be held accountable not just the person who was responsible that day.

She's not being self-important hmm give her a break!

YouTheCat Fri 02-May-14 19:27:44

Is it behave like an arse week on here or something? hmm

Ducky, are you going to go no contact? I feel so sorry for that poor child being forced to lie and for how she has let down your ds.

beershuffle Fri 02-May-14 19:28:30

You do seem very over involved. Its her relationship, its her business what she does. You have a child of your own, maybe its time to stop obsessing about your mammy?

SsimTee Fri 02-May-14 19:29:19

yes, give her a break. I didn't know the story of OP's mother until I started reading this thread, but I didn't feel the need to make a horrid comment.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:33:03

Yeah I'm going no contact, she lies at every opportunity she gets, she doesn't care about anyone unless it's her or married man. She adds nothing to my life any more that brings me pleasure all she adds is misery empty promises and heart ache. It's not fair on my DS to keep being let down however I have stopped telling him she's coming over because I know she won't come.

Beer It involves me when she promises my DS a visit and fails to show, she promises to call and does call, she promises him the earth and moon yet constantly delivers shit. I'm not obsessed with her in fact these two weeks she hasn't been here has been bliss, the family have got closer and can get on as she is the main problem

MummyBeerest Fri 02-May-14 19:42:29

Yanbu. You needed to tell her.

But you need to mean it when you say you're done with her. No texts, emailing, etc. Nothing.

Otherwise the pattern of frustration will only continue.

harriet247 Fri 02-May-14 19:45:25

I would cut her off tbh.

beershuffle Fri 02-May-14 19:47:00

But he must be a baby, if he goes to bed at six pm? So he doesnt know. It does sound a little codependent, with promises of calls and visits, with you chasing them up. And you seem to know every daily detail of her life, yet say you ar far happier when she isnt there.
Perhaps examine your own role in the dynamic as well as withdrawing, and facilitate seperate relationships with other family members?

Bogeyface Fri 02-May-14 19:48:09

Re: the child, for her sake alone I think you need to let his wife know what is going on. This is not for revenge or any other reason that that poor child will be so screwed up already by this and she needs protecting from it.

Do you know or can you find out who is wife is and tell her what they are doing to her DD?

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:48:47

I'm not, I'm done with her

MammaTJ Fri 02-May-14 19:50:13

I would go and tell the wife. That child needs the awful situation they are in to be sorted out. A child of 7 will be screwed up royally by the knowledge they have and the secret they have to keep. Take the responsibility away from them.

nennypops Fri 02-May-14 19:50:23

She's an idiot to rely on boyfriend's kid to keep it a secret. It's bound to slip out at some point - if she doesn't tell her mum she will tell her friends. So the situation may well resolve itself soon.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 19:54:21

beer He's 2 but understands, He'll wait by the window for her if she say she's on her way round, he can Facetime etc so he does understand that he should be seeing her. I don't chase her up like today i just turn the buzzer off and if she calls It doesn't get through.

Bogey I want to tell her, I feel for that child I really do. But I have no way of telling her.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 02-May-14 19:55:53

Yup, I'd tell the wife. Their poor daughter.

Bogeyface Fri 02-May-14 20:03:21

Do you know his name and roughly where he lives, there are several ways of finding her without resorting to FB (although that can have its uses).

How old is your DB? Could he do some digging to find out his address?

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 20:07:41

I only know her and his first name and that he used to live by us and i think she lives near Birmingham

He's 20 so could do

Mothergothel1111 Fri 02-May-14 20:09:27

I think you need to ask less of her. You will be much less dissapointed.

Disconnect from her world, you will be happier.

FixItUpChappie Fri 02-May-14 20:18:29

I can see why you've lost all respect for her. That is disgusting behaviour and they both own it.

What did your mum say OP? Has see always been so selfish?

WooWooo Fri 02-May-14 20:23:42

Why name change then give us your old name?

Take a step back from your Mum. It wasn't the end of the world that she didn't come see you after her holiday was it? She knows she is dong wrong but doesn't care enough to not misbehave

morethanpotatoprints Fri 02-May-14 20:25:21

I agree OP, she is being disgusting.
Once again, the people to feel sorry for are the children.
I feel sorry for you too OP, I don't just mean the little children, she is your mum and acting like an ass.
Has she always been like this or do you think its one last stab at being young?

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 20:26:50

My Mum said "okay then". Didn't care. Completely and utterly selfish

I didn't NC for security reasons I changed because I wanted a new one so it didn't matter if you knew my name

AiryFairyHairyAndScary Fri 02-May-14 20:31:00

There is a lot of ground between being involved with your DM as you are now and going NC. Why don't you try taking a huge step back from her but not actually going NC. There is no need for your DS to be continually let down by her unless you tell him that he is being let down (IYSWIM).

The affair is crap and sordid and I would tell her that you don't won't to discuss it.

I wouldn't get involved with all her drama, stop discussing her with third parties and stop with the texting etc. If you want a moan then come on MN but otherwise try to remove yourself from it all.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 20:56:04

There is no step back with her. The last two time's she comes round to see DS she spent a total of 10 minutes out of 3 hours not on the phone to married man, she paid him no attention and just sat on my sofa on the phone to the point I put him to bed and asked her to leave.

She will only talk about him, what they've been doing, what he said she should do regarding her house (currently he's told her to sell her three bedroom semi-detached house to by my DB of 20 with no job a 1 bedroom flat and she can move somewhere where he can come round whenever) her car, my car, my house, he even tells me what to do with my DS in regard to feeding him, playing with him, bathing etc.

With her comes him. I don't text, call, facetime etc with her anymore because she'll mostly only reply to him and ignore you.

qazxc Fri 02-May-14 21:04:19

I do not blame you for being disgusted with her. Disengage from her, her behaviour is clearly hurting you and your son.

PrincessBabyCat Fri 02-May-14 21:04:46

omg... that poor 7 year old. She's going to be so messed up from all this. You really should tell to at least contain some of the damage...

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 21:16:28

The thing is she use to be one of them woman that needed a man like a bullet in the head, she was completely independent, knew where every penny went and on what, had a very good job and the car of her dreams.

She's now a woman who can't even wipe her own arse without his say so, she's always on the phone to him, can't be apart from him, she changed all her bank info and he has access to her cards and pin numbers, she's barely any money left and quit two jobs in the space of 3 months because "they were telling her what to do?! and 'nobody' tells her what to do" she got married man a job and he's promised to get her a bigger and better one but who'd employ someone who's quit two jobs in three months because they don't want to be told what to do.

blackcurrentjuice Fri 02-May-14 21:21:34

Was she more attentive to you before the married man was on the scene?

She sounds like she was rather independent before he came along. However could it be that he is making her dependant on him so as to abuse her financially?

Does she have friends that she sees regularly like the friend she went on holiday with, who share your concerns and would speak to her - it might have more impact coming from them?

I think your right to disengage somewhat, just until she comes out of the lust fog she appears to be in. Their fairytalr cheating romance won't last forever, and it's awful the pressure they are placing on a 7yo's shoulders.

Is there a large age gap with them? I know it doesn't really matter but it seems strange that a married man with a 7yo (I'm thinking 30/40's?) is interested in a woman with grandchildren. I know women can be grandmas young but I don't know why but I can't help but think like 50/60's? Just trying to picture it better. Sorry if this is irrelevant or I've offended anyone!

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 21:29:23

Nobody knows his last name to tell her wife sad

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 21:55:30


She and Married Man have told DB they don't need him anymore, it's not his house married man will move in and he'll have to move out. They could just take everything and leave him on his own.
He threatened to beat him up and have him arrested.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 22:12:26

Yeah she saw us about 3/4 times a week then as soon as she met him stopped going to the gym, seeing friends and family everything.

It's 5 years he's 40 she's 45

MummyBeerest Fri 02-May-14 22:16:14

Hey hey do you know?

ThisFenceIsComfy Fri 02-May-14 22:19:53

I think you need to take some time away from your mother OP. It'll make your life a lot less stressful. Just disengage a little, leave her to make her own sorry mess.

How old is your brother? Will he be ok to find somewhere new?

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 22:20:11

He rang and told me, Married Man boasted about having a 'private bank account' because he's so rich mostly because he makes all his mistress's pay for everything They've made him feel that bad he was going to ask for a lump sum and just disappear from their lives for good, but i told him if anyone should be going anywhere it's married man and for him to try and stay put

MexicanSpringtime Fri 02-May-14 22:26:33

I think should step back from your mother's life a bit. Let her make her own mistakes, she is a grown woman. As for the empty promises she makes you and your son, my daughter's father has made empty promises to her all his life. I tried to walk the fine line between not criticising him openly to her and not building her up for a fall either. I don't know how good I was at it, but by the time she was eight she had him totally sussed.
Life if full of people who make empty promises and though I hate people who do that to children, they do have to realise that there are people like that in this world

Mintyy Fri 02-May-14 22:32:52

Agree with MexicanSpringtime.

How old is she? I'm guessing in her 30s or 40s.

Waltermittythesequel Fri 02-May-14 22:39:00

This is the woman who endangered your child's life whilst driving and who, quite frankly, treats you like shit.

You need to seriously consider going NC with her.

I don't think she'll ever change and be the person you need/want.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 22:41:59

minty She's 45 he's 40.

She's now NC, she's done I don't get on with my brother a lot but I could never ever imagine telling my DS "I don't need you anymore me and married man could just go and disappear" and make him feel so shit he'd promise to keep out of my life if he i gave him some money to get away.

indigo18 Fri 02-May-14 22:58:44

I think you are spending too much time and energy worrying about your mother. Let it go. Her loss.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Fri 02-May-14 23:01:11

As I've already said. I'm going NC she's all on her own from now on seeing as she's pushed away all her kids and friends. smile

lessonsintightropes Sat 03-May-14 00:00:58

This is the first time I've read your posts OP, so this is from an objective perspective if you like.

It sounds like she is an absolute mess - but it also sounds like you've given her the power and opportunity to make your life a misery. Sounds like your idea of going NC is a really good one, even if it's just temporary, as a way of re-setting your relationship with her as you do sound very wrapped up in her and her doings. I appreciate the fact that you are sad about the horrible position she is putting the man's child in and agree if there's a way of letting the mother know then it might be a good idea to do so. I think then letting go of the situation for a while would be good for you.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Sat 03-May-14 12:15:51

She's now ignoring my brother around the house. She isn't my mother she's long gone whatever she's doing now is up to her in done whether NC is forever or until she changes very doubt she will but it's better for my son and I to leave her to ruin herself all her friends have told her she'll have no money by the time he's done but she doesn't care

Jux Sat 03-May-14 12:44:03

I feel really sorry for your mum. She is stuck with a controlling abusive man who is just using her and driving wedges between her and her children. I feel sorry for your brother who is also being abused by this man, but also losing his mother and his home as a result of the bastard. I feel sorry for the daughter who is being used and abused by him too.

You are lucky in comparison, though you too have lost your motherz, at least you are independent of her and her mess. Glad you've gone NC with her, that's the only way you can limit the damage.

You say you don't get on with your brother? Perhaps some of that is due to the ghastly situation he has been living with? Maybe you'll get on a bit better now you're NC, and once he's gone out from under the suffocating power of the git. Your brother may know more about the piece of shit, including his surname, or may be able to find out while he's still living there. Then you can set about finding the wife...

Jux Sat 03-May-14 12:45:05

Actually, just thought that maybe your brother sees the little girl, and he may know her name and school. Somewhere to start.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Sat 03-May-14 12:52:14

Unfortunately Jux he doesn't bring her round she's often with the mum as they're still a family he just works away from home in my mums bed so the girl stays with him once in a whilst iyswim

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 03-May-14 12:57:41

I'd be more upset at the married man hanging around her house and bossing the brother around. Who the hell does he think he is?

Still, all this is the mother's business and no-one else's. If the OP doesn't like the way her mother is treating her family she's at liberty to say so. What kind of reception she will get it anyone's guess. My money's on a load of self-justification and sulking.

EverythingCounts Sat 03-May-14 13:20:45

Agree that NC is what to do. Try to distract yourself from it all as it sounds as if it's eating you up.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Sat 03-May-14 19:07:38

Well she came round unexpectedly "to talk about us" She knows what she is doing is wrong and she said she wasn't proud yet said she didn't care. She said she wasn't breaking up his family he was and that my old mother was never coming back. I told her she had no respect for anyone any more she's alienating her family and friends for this bloke that has no intention of leaving his wife. I was fed up with the disappointment and being let down or her being there and being on the phone with him for the whole time. I said I was done and that was that.

qazxc Sat 03-May-14 20:44:49

So basically she came round to say that she wasn't going to change her behavior and keep neglecting/manipulating everyone else! Even if the bloke wasn't married, the way she tramples over everyone else is wrong. You and your DC are far better off without someone who doesn't act like she cares about you at all.

IWillIfHeWill Sat 03-May-14 20:50:35

Oh dear. Involving the child is unacceptable.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 03-May-14 21:03:04

YANBU to think she's behaved badly but you are way too involved in her life and letting it affect you. Her behaviour towards other is crap but you are taking everything she does so personally and it's not healthy.

YellowTulips Sat 03-May-14 21:03:22

She's clearly obsessed by this asshole and quite simply there is nothing you can do to change that.

All you can do is change your response to the situation.

If you can't face going NC then I would suggest cultivating a facade of indifference. Easier said than done I know, but I think your emotional response if adding fuel to his and her fire. Remember outside criticism can pull people together.

They are both behaving appallingly - but they are adults and given you can even get in touch with his wife I see no reason for you to tear your heart about this.

Hopefully she will come to her senses at some point - preferably before she's burnt all her bridges.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo Sat 03-May-14 21:25:39

yellow Unfortunately she's burnt this bridge, along with the friend she left at the airport, and my DB. She isn't worth it

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