My new partner is called 'Daddy' by my kids. Now the ex has reappeared on the scene...

(60 Posts)
Fullyswindonian Mon 21-Apr-14 23:11:00

I left my children's father 4 and a half years ago, taking a newborn and toddler with me. I'd had 7 years of the worst kind of DV.

He visited sporadically for a few years after, but stopped once I couldn't pay his petrol costs anymore.

There's since been no contact with his children for over 2 years. No talking, Skype, birthday or Christmas cards. No response to emails or texts.

A couple of years ago I began a relationship with someone and my eldest now calls him Daddy. We don't live together.

Out of the blue, last night I received a Facebook friend request from their father. He has styled his username under this format: 'Fred jackandjill'sdaddy' then Friend Requested everyone on my Friendlist.

His profile is pictured in a home clearly not his, and he's made little comments on his own pictures saying how much he misses them, is proud of them, and that he's set up this profile in order he can contact them.

He began access proceedings against me last year but failed to appear for Mediation or respond to any solicitor actions. So I'm confused by this development.

The cynical side of me sees the profile as a ruse of some kind. Either to let everyone on my Friendlist know 'He's The Daddy' and I'm the terrible woman for taking his children away.
I wonder if the fact the are photos of my children with my new partner on my profile that has annoyed or upset him.

Or he could genuinely have had an epiphany and want to move forward civilly.

But given his past behaviour including threats a couple of years ago that he would do everything in his power to take the chidren away from me (which would include lying under oath) I'm dubious.

So. Should I accept the Friend Request and see how his game unfolds?
Or ignore the Friend Request?

If he's had the epiphany moment and now wants to be civil and resume contact with the children, will the children be confused as one of them now calls my new partner Daddy and they have both enjoyed a relationship with him for the last few years, seeing him when he stays over weekends and on daytrips and so on.

I'm concerned that by continuing to allow the children to think of my new partner as a Daddy I have failed massively to preserve their emotional welfare, as their bio father now potentially reappearing on the scene may cause them confusion. Should I now discourage them from calling him Daddy and distance the kind of relationship the children have with him??

All of this is causing me distress - something my ex is exceptionally good at.

I genuinely welcome your views.

mummywithsmiles25 Mon 21-Apr-14 23:17:31

1. Do not accept request if he wants contact he will go through lawyers.

2. Maybe just make sure there v aware that he isn't there bio dad and that they do have a bio dad and as they grow up, leave them to decide whether they want to call him dad or not.

RussianBlu Mon 21-Apr-14 23:19:45

If it were me I wouldn't be accepting his request. I find it odd that if he were genuinely interested he would be choosing to show this interest through trying to befriend you on Facebook. I also find it odd that he felt the need to send requests to all of your friends as well! It sounds kind of teenagerish (is that a word??) to me. I would be setting your security settings high so that none can see who your friends are or even send you a request anymore if I were you. As for your children calling the new person 'dad', I don't feel in a position to advise as each persons case in unique. I would probably find it strange myself and not encourage it but I can completely understand it so cant say if it is a good or bad idea.

Anyway, good luck and I think that until he writes you a letter or makes some kind of sensible contact expressing real sorrow I would be staying away.

WaxyDaisy Mon 21-Apr-14 23:21:35

Why can someone you are not friends with see pictures of your kids? Have you thought about tightening up your FB privacy settings?

wheretotheEasterBunnygonow Mon 21-Apr-14 23:21:57

What concerns me is that he has friend requested every one of your friends. This sounds like he is trying to find out about you which would tie in with a controlling person.

If he is genuine he would make a formal request to see the children.

I would be very tempted to close your Facebook account so he can't access information about your private life. If he says anything then just explain that children aren't allowed Facebook accounts so he can't communicate with them in this way thanks

Cupid5tunt Mon 21-Apr-14 23:22:31

I personally wouldn't start my daughter calling anyone Daddy but if she at some point made that decision I would reinforce that she was a biological father.

Don't accept the friends request. His actions arereally inappropriate and FB is not the place for this to play out. Doesn't sound like he would keep tour business private.

Cupid5tunt Mon 21-Apr-14 23:23:41

Has a*

littledrummergirl Mon 21-Apr-14 23:25:35

Decline the friend request, remove all photos of your dcs from your profile and hide the profile.
Tell your friends you do not want your dcs pictures posted.
Wait for an official request for contact and go via a centre. If he has changed he will accept this. Make sure you talk to your dcs about their father and how because he hasnt been able to be part of their lives, you dont know why he hasnt told you, they are verry lucky to have a Daddy who loves them very much.

WooWooOwl Mon 21-Apr-14 23:26:48

You are confusing two separate issues.

Whether you should agree to contact with your ex is irrelevant to the fact that you have allowed your children to call your boyfriend Daddy.

It sounds like you have very good reason to not accept a friend request on Facebook, if your ex wants contact then he can go about trying to get it properly, and Facebook really isn't the way to do that. If he does go through the proper channels and behave civilly, then your children should be allowed to see him.

Allowing your children to call someone daddy when you don't even live with them doesn't seem at all wise to me, but it's your choice. I think you do need to let your children know that he isn't their daddy while they are still young though so they grow up knowing the truth. That doesn't mean you need to limit the relationship between your children and your new man, but you do need to ensure that your children know he isn't their biological father.

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 23:29:21

I will make an exception to my usual rule about ignoring anything to do with Facebook. Firstly I don't see the point of Facebook but clearly you do. I would not reply and I would close your account immediately.

Anyone whether friends or family with whom you need /want to keep in touch with can be contacted by text, phone or e-mail.

If he is serious about re-establishing contact this should have been initiated by a letter or phone call either direct to you if he has your contact details or if not via a third party such as a solicitor or a relative.

PolyesterBride Mon 21-Apr-14 23:29:32

Definitely put all privacy settings on the highest so that he can't see your photos etc. Don't accept his request and block him from your Facebook. If he wants contact, he can go through the proper channels.

As for the names, my own experience as a child would warn against calling the 'wrong' people daddy and not being totally honest about who is who. It can really affect children's sense of identity. Can you make a transition by saying "daddy name" eg "daddy john" when referring to your partner? Then they get used to using his name in case they end up referring to your ex as daddy as well?

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 23:35:46

Oh and on the other issue personally I think it's a terrible idea letting your child call your boyfriend "daddy". He is not her/his father. I really don't think new boyfriend/second husband should ever be called that unless the new relationship is very, very firmly grounded, real father 100% guaranteed off the scene and possibly even new father has formally adopted the child.

missingwelliesinsd Mon 21-Apr-14 23:46:26

I would send a private message to all my FB friends explaining succintly that:

"I'm so sorry, my ex is acting strangely and inappropriately by contacting you all. I have been separated from him for X years due to DV and he has failed to comply with sessions for visitation/custody through the normal processes. I don't know why he has suddenly decided to FB friend request everyone I know but please understand that I have been trying to arrange a visitation/custody arrangement with him for years now, wherein he has simply not turned up for hearing/mediation sessions. I cannot emphasize enough that he is once again trying to manipulate this situation after being AWOL for years and ignoring all the recommended paths to achieve a beneficial custody/visitation arrangement. I'm sorry that this private business has impinged upon any of you."

Or something like that, I think your friends need to know what he is doing even if it means sharing some personal info.

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 23:50:32

No I absolutely would not send that message. It only needs 1 person to pass that on inadvertently and get it in to the wrong hands. Just close bloody Facebook completely. Presumably anyone who is important to you can be contacted by a one to one method? You don't need to explain why you're no longer on Facebook. You don't need to be on Facebook.

Botanicbaby Mon 21-Apr-14 23:52:14

Very much agree with Caitlin17, I don't think its a good idea at all to let your child call your b/f 'daddy'. Esp when their real father is still alive and you don't live with your b/f.

I hated having to call my stepfather 'dad' despite the fact he lived with us and as my own father had died and was never coming back. Can only imagine how confusing it must be for children who still 'have' their dad out there no matter how awful a person he is.

facebook is a nightmare, sometimes I think it sends invites to people you know in common with others despite you not initiating it. However, someone setting up a profile on facebook simply to establish a relationship with their children is not taking the appropriate steps to do so anyway, there must be better channels than this, how do you even know its actually him? hmm

Ignore the friend request, sort out your facebook privacy settings or deactivate your account for a while. Sorry that this is upsetting you and causing you stress, it sounds like you've been through the mill with this horrible man but if he wants to see the children he needs to do it through the correct channels, not via facebook harassment of you.
Be strong, stand your ground, don't let him get to you.

softlysoftly Mon 21-Apr-14 23:52:53

Agree two separate issues.

1 - Facebook is a bad place to play this out. Delete your account. If you won't do that then an least remove all reference to your DCs and private information and request that all your contacts do the same. Don't get into the drama of it just a simple rule NO DC on Facebook.

2 - while I have no issue with DCs eventually having another "dad" my own sister is technically a half sister, there is an issue if they are not made to understand this is an adoptive postiion not bio. You don't say if your kids thing he is their actual bio dad?

Also I think "Daddy" needs to be an absolute, you aren't even living with this man, you need to be absolutely as sure as you can be that a person will be sharing your life forever before you introduce the idea of an adoptive father.

fidelineish Mon 21-Apr-14 23:53:19

* I also find it odd that he felt the need to send requests to all of your friends as well! It sounds kind of teenagerish (is that a word??) to me.*

Yes; juvenile and actually rather manipulative.

He started the 'proper' process last year and then dropped it. If he has (again) changed his mind, why not go through legal channels again? It smacks of game-playing to me.

Can you block and ignore?

Botanicbaby Mon 21-Apr-14 23:55:29

oh just seen the more recent posts, I would not send that message either.facebook is not important here, nor is informing all and sundry of this and that.
how sure are you that the person sending you a friend request is who they say they are?
deactivate Facebook. the first and foremost thing you need to think about is how to proceed with the children calling who dad/contact with their dad or not and staying safe and unharmed by it all.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 22-Apr-14 00:02:09

I would decline friend requests and block him, sounds like he is up to something. Yes tighten your privacy settings and out as little information of your self as you can. If he wants access he can go through court.

kickassangel Tue 22-Apr-14 00:48:39

He has not had an epiphany. He is trying to recruit people into team "I'm a controlling bastard".

Delete Facebook and all pictures online. If he pursues this any further get legal advice. Do you have any evidence if his violence?

Does he have any contacts that could be giving him info about you? How you conduct your current relationship is up to you, but some abusers can get very vindictive if they think their woman has moved on, so it may be wise to keep a low profile, online at least.

eightandthreequarters Tue 22-Apr-14 01:07:12

Real men do not seek to re-establish a relationship with their children via Facebook. I agree with others who advise you to delete your FB profile and all photos. Close down that line of contact completely. If he wants to create a relationship with his children, then he knows the route he needs to take and it's not FB. Do not message him. Do not message anyone else about him. Ignore until he contacts you via proper channels with what seems like a reasonable attempt to have a meaningful relationship with the DC.

As to your children calling your boyfriend 'Daddy' - you should probably put a gentle stop to that by encouraging them to use his name. He isn't living with you, and losing 'Dave' will be a lot easier than losing 'Daddy' should it not work out longterm. If you all end up living together as a family, then one day it may be entirely appropriate and really lovely if they call him 'Dad'. But you're not there yet.

Your ex is a twat. I doubt he'll even pursue contact through the proper channels. He's just trying to get to you.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 07:29:24

Another saying don't send the message. I would have a chat with close friends and family and request that they don't entertain any contact with your ex but I really don't think informing your FB of your personal situation is wise. If people contact you saying X tried to add me keep it short and sweet and apologise saying you're not sure what it's all about but you would appreciate if they would ignore.

If you keep your FB unfriend the people that accept him, those people clearly don't have loyalties to you and may pass information or photographs on.

gamerchick Tue 22-Apr-14 07:36:31

You need to sort out your privacy settings out. How can he even see your friends list? My friends can't even see nine aside from mutual.

Do not accept this friends request.. just block his profile.

It's too late to stop the bairn calling your dude daddy as long as she knows he's not her bio dad.

Trillions Tue 22-Apr-14 08:27:59

I would block him and delete your FB account. Take down all your photos and any location info first.

It is very odd and inappropriate for your child to call your boyfriend Daddy though. If you don't live together he can't be doing much of the daddy stuff like school run, bedtime, general childcare etc. - so why does he get this title?

LavenderGreen14 Tue 22-Apr-14 08:32:29

I agree block him and hide everything, photos, friend list, likes, everything. You can even hide comments on your profile pic. Change anything public like profile pic to something completely impersonal too.

You can look at your facebook as 'view as' in the privacy settings and actually see what it looks like to someone who is not a friend. Also change it so only friends of friends can add or message you.

ChickyEgg Tue 22-Apr-14 08:33:58

Tighten all your FB privacy settings. Remove all photos of your children. I used to have photos of mine but have since removed them with the thought 'its my account, photos of me or friends only'.

What is odd if that he has friend requested all of your friends. How do you know this? Have any accepted? Massive red flag to me. It does sound like game playing.

Alwayscheerful Tue 22-Apr-14 08:41:02

You sound lovely but far too trusting.

Your x sounds very scary controlling and unpredictable.

You must protect yourself, your DCs and your new partner.

Shut down your Facebook. Your x now has a list of all your friends and family, contact each one and ask them to block him explain you do not feel safe.

Any communication regarding contact should be via your solicitor if he truly cares, your x will take the correct action.

VelvetSpoon Tue 22-Apr-14 08:45:02

You should never have let your children call your boyfriend Daddy. Very wrong.

I met my Ex when I was a LP with a toddler aged DS. His father was not on the scene, and there was no risk of him reappearing. At first DS used to call him by his name, after a while (and unprompted by me or my Ex) he began to call him Daddy. I discouraged this at first; however, when I then became pregnant, my Ex said it would make sense to allow it, as obviously the new baby would be calling him Daddy, so I did. However, I was very careful to make DS aware that he did have another Daddy (who was his bio dad) but that this Daddy was the one who would be living with him - I can't remember quite how we phrased it at the time (this was 12/13 years ago!) but DS has always been very clear on that point - because I never wanted to hide that from him. I think you will find it very tricky now to stop your DC calling him Daddy, and they are likely to become confused and upset, especially if their real father is now on the scene and there's potential for him to be seeking access.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 22-Apr-14 08:52:27

I'd delete ALL photos. Completely. And unlink any that you are tagged in that are on other people's accounts.

I'd block him.

Then I'd tighten up ALL security and then I'd disable my account.

Then I'd give it a while only communicating with close friends to see if this is playing out whilst I wasn't there.

I'd make a pretend account in a completely different name, friend it with myself [before disabling my actual account, obviously] and some close friends who know what is going on, and watch from a distance.

I'd take screen photos of anything worth having for future reference and save it all in a file for a solicitor.

gamerchick Tue 22-Apr-14 09:04:12

You don't have to delete photos.. just change the settings to only me.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 09:04:30

Your ex is effectively stalking you and recruiting your fb friends into that process. This is not good.
I would delete my account. But at the very least you should improve your privacy settings and avoid any contact with him via fb. Its important that he cant "see" you on fb. Which he can through your friends if your settings aent appropriately set.
Don't send that message (pp above) to ppl as it could be passed to him.

Personally, I wouldn't have a child call a bf "daddy" unless we were cohabiting and he was actually taking on a father role. Which your "DP" isn't. What does it teach them? What d they gain by it? I don't understand it and I think it serves to validate your relationship with him rather than provide them with a father role.
But that's done now. And it's your business and it's not the bigger issue here IMHO.

I would contact women's aid and i would get some legal advice. The children have a right (if safe to do so) to have contact with their father but he doesn't have the right to abuse you. He will not have changed.

ThePriory Tue 22-Apr-14 09:04:51

He is certainly trying to 'assert' his fatherly presence by the name he has chosen for his profile.

I suspect he has somehow found out about your new partner, and that jealousy is driving him to re-establish a very public form of contact.

It's totally unacceptable, seeing how he has been completely NC up until this point. Facebook is an entirely inappropriate medium for re-establishing contact as it is so public.

All my insticts say this is not some 'epiphany' moment, but it is something more sinister, including trying to show you up in front of your facebook friends.

I would delete your account, no one 'needs' to be on facebook. He has to go through the legel route to establish contact if that is what he wants.

It would be wise to explain to your DC's that your new boyfriend is not their 'Daddy' also...

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 22-Apr-14 09:06:25

This is all about control obviously. If I were you I would send a message to all your friends asking them to kindly delete and block, then do the same yourself. Change your settings on Facebook so he can't even search for you and ignore. He can approach you via a solicitor if he wants contact.

PavlovtheCat Tue 22-Apr-14 09:16:33

As said by so many others. Remove yourself from FB. Completely. It is not an essential part of social interaction with others. Take all your photos off so they can't be used by others, send a message to all your friends telling them how they can contact you, and asking to never ever put up photos of your children or mention you in open FB conversations, and close it. Completely.

You can, when this has cooled off, if it does, re-open it with a more cryptic name and with full security protection which it sounds like you don't have now - you need to ensure that none of your photos are accessible to others outside of your friendship circle and that you cannot be found by searching the internet. But for now, remove, it for the sake of your children and yourself.

As far as calling your DP 'daddy' I don't know, that's your call but I guess you need to be very careful especially if your ex gets wind of this and shit hits the fan. Will DP stick around and ride this out with you? Does he know the extent of abuse within your previous relationship? Is he supportive? What does he think about being called 'daddy'?

newsecretidentity Tue 22-Apr-14 09:20:44

OP, this is dangerous. In contacting everyone on your friends list, he's stalking you and trying to find out more about you and integrate himself into those relationships. If he's been violent in the past, there's no reason to believe he's changed.

First you need to send him a letter or message instructing him to direct all contact through solicitors.

Second, block him on facebook.

Third, message everyone on your friends list and let them know that he is an unwelcome contact with a violent history and ask them to block him as well.

Then update your privacy settings.

londonrach Tue 22-Apr-14 09:37:28

You have two choices here, choice one close your Facebook account or two refuse his friend request remove all photos and de friend anyone who friends him. Also tightened up your Facebook security. I'd keep a written record of everything. If you trust your friends explain what's happened. Poor you, you need to protect your children. No way should you let someone that controlling who done DV into your life. If he wants to meet the children I suggest you get professional help and meet in a safe centre. X

lottiegarbanzo Tue 22-Apr-14 09:41:24

How can he see pictures on your profile? Surely just visible to friends, not Jo Public? Change your settings!

Why would you even consider accepting his friend request? If he wants to resume contact he can do so through proper, normal channels.

You've done the right thing for your children. Assert that and stick to it.

Do not even consider allowing yourself to be manipulated, allowing your time to be wasted, allowing yourself to be made to start doubting your decisions. Ignore him until he goes through the proper channels.

Goldmandra Tue 22-Apr-14 09:48:26

Ask everyone on your friends list not to add him and to remove any photos they have of you and your DCs.

Delete your FB account and contact a solicitor.

Don't get drawn into this mind game. He knew what he needed to do to get contact but didn't have the energy or the concentration to go through the proper channels last year. If he wants to try again, let him do the same again.

In the meantime make sure your DCs understand the difference between a biological father and someone who is parenting them. Allow them to choose what to call whom.

BrokenToeOuch Tue 22-Apr-14 09:49:08

You should never have let your children call your boyfriend Daddy. Very wrong.

Exactly. Why would you have allowed this to happen at all, he's not their father confused despite your rocky relationship, your ex is still their Dad.

As for the Facebook issue, get off FB and get some legal advice. Ignore any attempts at contact until you've done that. As for them calling your new DP Dad, you need to sort this out and tell them they have a biological Dad and a stepdad.

Honestly. hmm

Goldmandra Tue 22-Apr-14 09:56:57

You should never have let your children call your boyfriend Daddy. Very wrong.

It's up to the child to decide whether to call him Daddy. If he's fulfilling the parenting role and their own father is not in evidence it is perfectly reasonable for them to choose to call him Daddy. That's what he is to them.

sebsmummy1 Tue 22-Apr-14 10:01:46

I would delete my Facebook profile immediately.

BrokenToeOuch Tue 22-Apr-14 10:09:29

But he isn't, Gold, he's their stepfather. The eldest child was a toddler when they left, and he continued to see his biological Dad for a couple of years after that on and off, so would have been about 4 or so before he stopped seeing his Dad. Regardless of the Dads relationship with the OP, he is still a father to those DC (a shit one), and eldest would have certainly knew who his 'Daddy' was back then, hence OP now in a bit of a quandary.

Partners can come and go easily within a persons life, you only get one mother and father (obviously not taking into account legal paths such as adopting/fostering, though this isn't the case here, OP and her DP aren't living together). What's going to happen if OP separates from her DP? Will she encourage her DC to call subsequent partners Daddy too?

BertieBotts Tue 22-Apr-14 10:20:29

Don't accept his friend request. You are not his friend. He can go through the lawyer. (or for me I would accept email, but I don't want XP on my personal facebook account).

I'm in a similar situation where DS started to refer to (then) DP as "like a mummy" and then when he figured out what a dad was supposed to be (despite still seeing his own dad at this point angry) "like a daddy", this progressed to "other children have a dad, but I have a <hisname>" and then to "My dad" and now he's slipping into "Daddy". We're not discouraging it, because we've just got married, he IS a permanent fixture in DS' life and it's likely we'll have more children together and it feels unfair to shut DS out of that. If he considers him Daddy and wants to call him Daddy, that's fine. Since it was at his lead, I've adopted it when talking to/about him too.

He knows that he had a different daddy when he was a baby and so he has another daddy out there somewhere but that we don't know where he is. He knows (although I don't think this is stable for him) that Nanny is "other" Daddy's mum and that aunty X and uncle Y are "other daddy"'s brother and sister. I've tried to explain that me and his other daddy were the ones who made him so for example his freckles probably come from his other daddy, who he's now started calling daddy-name because that's less confusing. Every now and again I'm going through old photos and will show DS a photograph of him but he hardly ever asks.

XP knows. He got in contact last year and asked for contact, so I gave him the whole story and it seems now there's someone else in the picture (or perhaps because we were moving away) he doesn't want to know. Sad - his loss, though.

Goldmandra Tue 22-Apr-14 11:51:47

Regardless of the Dads relationship with the OP, he is still a father to those DC (a shit one)

Children don't only call biological fathers Daddy and biological status doesn't define the word. It should be up to the child to decide who they would like to call Daddy and if their bio father decides to step back into his children's lives and doesn't like it, he should just suck it up.

CundtBake Tue 22-Apr-14 13:25:17

But OP's DP isn't a stepfather. They're not married and he doesn't even live with them? That seems ridiculous to me and wrong.

"Out of the blue, last night I received a Facebook friend request from their father. He has styled his username under this format: 'Fred jackandjill'sdaddy' then Friend Requested everyone on my Friendlist."

"The cynical side of me sees the profile as a ruse of some kind."
The cynical side of you is right. Listen to it, and keep listening to it.

Completely agree with kickassangel - "He is trying to recruit people into team "I'm a controlling bastard"." If your Friendlist is like mineanybody else's then your 'friends' will be a mix of family, close friends, acquaintances, ex-colleagues, people you haven't seen since you left school etc. Be ruthless. Close your current profile down. Immediately. Those you are close to will ask about his friend request and you can explain your ex is stalking you online. Those you are not close to - meh.

SuperScrimper Tue 22-Apr-14 14:30:53

I will never understand women who allow their boyfriends to be called 'Daddy'.

Firstly, he's not their Father.

Secondly, if it has to happen it should only be ina very stable relationship. In my mind, marriage and then adoption. A non live in boyfriend is not a candidate for being called Daddy.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 22-Apr-14 14:43:57

I don't think you need to close down your account.

You just need to block him on facebook so he can't see anything about you.

Then message the people you trust and explain what's going on.

smile

And don't feel bad about the 'daddy' thing. My DS calls my partner 'daddy'. Bio father buggered off some time ago and showed no interest thereafter. He cut his ties with DS. DP is far more of a father than exH ever could've been.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 22-Apr-14 14:45:40

Secondly, if it has to happen it should only be ina very stable relationship. In my mind, marriage and then adoption.

Being a father is more than signing a few pieces of paper.

This has been proved on MN over and over and over.

smile

Sallyingforth Tue 22-Apr-14 14:54:04

As others have said above, just close your FB account. Contact your real friends by email etc. End of problem.

Fullyswindonian Tue 22-Apr-14 16:59:00

Thankyou for your replies everyone and the Facebook advice has been taken, with privacy settings now locked down.

He has been surprisingly uncommunicative on the issue since which leads me to believe it's a front for proving to Cafcass/whoever that he has been trying to make contact with the children, even thout a Facebook profile is hardly viable.

As for the Daddy thing, the eldest is clearly just looking for a father figure in her life to replace the absent one. She refers to her bio Dad as 'Daddy Fred' and my partner as just 'Daddy'. She's aware of the difference at nearly 7 years old. The youngest child has seen his bio Dad about 3 times since birth and doesn't call my new partner Daddy but by his name, which reinforces my belief that my eldest child has adopted him as a father figure. Because the youngest child has never known his bio father so has never established a father/son bond.

There's no possibility of my allowing them to call 'subsequent partners' Daddy as I don't intend to take another partner if this relationship fails.

I will update if there's any development.

flowers Thankyou

Andrewofgg Tue 22-Apr-14 18:02:15

From professional, not personal experience:

It's always dangerous to allow children to call anyone Daddy unless they have legally adopted or the bio father is dead.

You can never rule out the possibility that even the most unpromising father will get his act together, sort himself out, dry out, come off drugs, find a job, whatever, and ask for contact - directly or through the courts which might agree with him. Then you've got a problem which could have been avoided.

RedPony Tue 22-Apr-14 18:50:30

OP I can't see the issue with allowing your daughter to call your partner Daddy. A daddy is the male figure that is there for the child and helps raise the child and if that's what your daughter sees your partner as then it's up to her if she calls him daddy. as long as she is aware she has a biological father then there should be no problem smile

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN Tue 22-Apr-14 18:57:06

I don't think your eldest calling your DP 'daddy' is an issue, she clearly knows the difference between him and her bio father and calls him that as he's her father figure and she's comfortable with it, regardless of your living arrangements which is just geography
WRT your ex, ignore, block and do not engage unless through a solicitor, if he's really serious about being a part of the children's lives he'll make the effort to do things properly

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 20:37:02

kingjoffrey
Adoption most certainly involves a great deal more commitment than "signing a few bits of paper"
What a ridiculous comment.

Goldmandra Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:28

A child can have two people they call Daddy. I know a little boy who has two mummies. He differentiates in a similar manner to the OP's elder child. It isn't a problem for anyone.

The only possible problem I can see with the OP's situation is the bio father not liking it and he gave up his right to an opinion on who gets called Daddy when he stopped bothering to see his children.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 22-Apr-14 21:02:33

Adoption most certainly involves a great deal more commitment than "signing a few bits of paper"

Which OP's partner may have already proved. Certainly sounds like he has.

OP knows what is best for her children and both her and her children obviously trust her partner.

Your comment is ridiculous. Married men and 'legal' fathers can and do feck off. Marriage and adoption protect you from nothing.

OP has asked for help over a FB issue and it's totally unfair to have a go at her because she's found her children a new (and what sounds like a better) father.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 21:19:54

Which of my comments is ridiculous?

I've not had a go at OP.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 21:21:47

And I actually primarily addressed the stalking issue, as I see it.

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 23-Apr-14 09:47:05

Can I assume you're just conveniently ignoring my question then?

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