in-law wedding on birthday

(126 Posts)
deliciouscitrus Mon 21-Apr-14 11:44:05

I'm writing this for a friend.
My friends BIL and SIL to be have announced their wedding date for his birthday this year.
It's not a big deal if it were just one day, however In-laws are big anniversary celebration types.
And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.
(my friends in laws have a history of ignoring my friends preferences, and his family are abroad)

Is he being unreasonable to refuse to go to the wedding and come to our house for birthday cake instead?

If your friend is 4 then maybe it would be understandable that they might get a bit sad at missing out on their birthday cake. If not then I think YABU

Yes of course he ibu. Is he a child? He doesn't have exclusivity on a date...

Close friends of ours are getting married on our wedding anniversary. Should we lose a 20 year friendship over it just so we don't have to share?

If his family live in a different country, are his birthday celebrations going to get hijacked every year? Or is he just going to get on and celebrate without them like he would if it wasn't someone's anniversary anyway?

Fairenuff Mon 21-Apr-14 11:52:09

How old is he going to be?

CurlsLDN Mon 21-Apr-14 11:52:29

Yes, unfortunately I do think your friend will have to accept this with good grace.

I completely understand why they might feel a bit put out, but I very much doubt the bride and groom planned it this way on purpose.

When booking my own wedding our chosen venue only had one weekend in summer available, so we had to snap it up. Only later did we realise it was the same day as a family members birthday. She didn't mind at all, and we made a fuss of her on the day. My dad opened his speech with 'thank you all for joining us.... At Xs birthday party.' Much laughter, We then gave her a gift, before moving on to the rest of the speech.
I'm sure your friend would love to spend their birthday their own way, but on this occasion they will be with all of their family, at a party costing (most likely) over £100 a head. Look at it that way and it's not so bad!

OwlCapone Mon 21-Apr-14 11:55:07

Whether it is unreasonable very much depends on whether he is a petulant brat or not. I suspect that he isn't, in which case of curse he is unreasonable. Buy him a "birthday boy" badge to wear and encourage him to joke with the bride and groom that at least he won't forget their anniversary.

WaitMonkey Mon 21-Apr-14 11:56:30


Doinmummy Mon 21-Apr-14 11:57:20

And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary

Of course it will still be his birthday !

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 21-Apr-14 11:57:53

I think he is being unreasonable. The wedding is a one off event. He should go a long to the wedding and celebrate his birthday the day before / after the wedding.
Though next year he would not be unreasonable to snub any anniversary stuff they plan, as his birthday trumps someone else's anniversary.

bluebeanie Mon 21-Apr-14 11:58:32

He isn't a child. Unless it is a 'big' birthday, not many adults do a great deal to celebrate them.

He doesn't have to go to their anniversary parties each year.

pictish Mon 21-Apr-14 11:59:27

He is being unreasonable, and utterly ridiculous to boot!
Unless your friend is 8 of course.

Assuming he is an actual adult, then really a show of hmm faces is all that is required to put his upset to rest.

Mintyy Mon 21-Apr-14 12:00:42

I take it he's under 10 then?

Doinmummy Mon 21-Apr-14 12:01:03

I am miffed that for 49 years I 'owned' my birthday and no one can ever do anything on that day without squaring it with me first!

LittleBearPad Mon 21-Apr-14 12:01:23

He's being very childish, tell him to grow up

Fairenuff Mon 21-Apr-14 12:02:53

In-laws are big anniversary celebration types.

Actually thinking about it, this works out in his favour. He now has the perfect excuse not to attend said anniversary celebrations each year - 'Oh, sorry I already have plans for my birthday. What a shame I can't make it this year...'

I would love that grin

2468Motorway Mon 21-Apr-14 12:03:42

My sil got married on my b-day and subsequently one of my children was born then. Your friend is very silly. I doubt they'll have a party every yr but so what if they do, you don't have to go.

My sil wedding was nice for me (Im not fussed about my birthday mind) as loads of people wished me happy birthday and I got more family cards and presents than usual.

What will your friend do if he has a child or a niece/nephew on his birthday? Refuse to celebrate?

This must be a reverse thread because it's so silly.

KurriKurri Mon 21-Apr-14 12:04:00

I got married on my Uncle's birthday - he was very chuffed, and it means I always remember his birthday.

Refusing to go to a wedding (hopefully a once in a life time special day for his BIL and SIL) because it's on his birthday is seriously crazy. For one thing he'll get a free proper party this year on his birthday which someone else has entirely arranged and paid for. What's not to like?

fatowl Mon 21-Apr-14 12:04:14


My best friend got married on our 20th Anniversary (we married young- she and her dp took a while). There was a huge intake of breath from my MIL.
Me and DH didn't mind at all - got champagne we didn't have to pay for and said a silent toast to us as well! My dd17 was her Chief Bridesmaid.

CrazyOldCatLady Mon 21-Apr-14 12:05:16

Yes, Motorway, it must be a reverse. The OP couldn't possibly be serious.

scarletforya Mon 21-Apr-14 12:05:25


Is this a reverse?

Your friend is being ridiculous. You say your friends in laws have a history of ignoring his preferences. I don't blame them, he sounds like a spoilt baby.

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Apr-14 12:08:20

Yes it's so sad. When other things happen on your birthday, that means its never your birthday ever again.

That poor man.

SavoyCabbage Mon 21-Apr-14 12:08:30

It will definitely still be his birthday. It would be great if you didn't get older if someone else got married on your birthday!

trixymalixy Mon 21-Apr-14 12:10:00


Tell your friend to grow up!!!

Nanny0gg Mon 21-Apr-14 12:17:48

Not quite the same, but my son and DiL got married the day before my birthday. So at midnight at the reception everyone sang Happy Birthday to me and on my actual birthday all family that came down for the wedding came out to lunch for my birthday.

Had a lovely time.

He is being U. Look at all the joint celebrations in the future (should he choose to spend the day with his in-laws, he doesn't have to!)

Famzilla Mon 21-Apr-14 12:23:36

So he would refuse to go to his own siblings wedding because it's his birthday? Wow what a brat!

PatriciaKrenwinkel Mon 21-Apr-14 12:26:08

Aw. Perhaps they could get him a cake too and he could blow the candles out on it as the bride and groom cut their wedding cake?

He does realise that other people also share his birthday? And some babies will be born on it? And some people, through no fault of their own, might be so inconsiderate as to die on it?

Apatite1 Mon 21-Apr-14 12:27:38

My grandmother had the audacity of dying on my birthday.

Then my nephew had the nerve to be born on my birthday.

The cheek of it!

Seriously, nobody owns a date.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude Mon 21-Apr-14 12:27:49

My DD1 was born on our wedding anniversary. How very dare she - didn't she realise this was our special day? grin

Apatite1 Mon 21-Apr-14 12:28:25

Patricia, I swear you and I were typing that at the exact same time!

Clutterbugsmum Mon 21-Apr-14 12:29:42

I sorry but I disagree. So no YANBU as your friend know how thier family works. I don't know what to suggest as I have the similar with my DH as he shares his birthday as his dad. DH birthday has always been as a second class event.

To the point a couple of years ago dh was 40 and his dad turned 65, his mum and sister organised a big event for his dad. We were ordered told to go. In the middle of the event happy birthday to his dad and he a cake. After about 10 min his mum and dad asked if I was alright (I wasn't I was pissed off that once again dh had been forgotten) I turned around and said it would be nice to wish thier son a happy birthday as well because once again he had been ignored. I have to say some family friends were shocked that he had been ignored.

This happens every year to the point now I arrange for dh to have a birthday not including his family.

Rosa Mon 21-Apr-14 12:30:11

We got married on my nieces birthday ... Very few remember our anniversary but most seem to remember her birthday.

2rebecca Mon 21-Apr-14 12:31:59

If his inlaws are big anniversary types it seems odd that they also aren't big birthday celebration types.
I think the wedding will take priority this year but in future years then his birthday takes priority for his household family I'd presume and if his inlaws want to make more fuss ove BIL's wedding anniversary that's up to them, I presume they'd still send him a birthday card and present and he wouldn't expect them to visit every birthday would he?
In future years I think he should send his BIL a happy anniversary card and continue to celebrate his birthday as usual. It seems odd for a bloke to be that put out about it, although if we had chosen to get married on my BIL or SIL's birthdays I would have apologised and explained why it had to be that day.

Hissy Mon 21-Apr-14 12:32:29

Are there genuinely couples/families that celebrate their wedding anniversaries en masse large scale every year?


Your friend should go to the wedding if they want to, it's not a big deal that it's their birthday, unless it's a 'big one' then their celebrations can happen on a different day.

I'm assuming that this date actually falls on a weekend/saturday?

flowery Mon 21-Apr-14 12:33:21

Hang on, have I understood this right? He's thinking of refusing to attend a family wedding because it will be his birthday? Seriously?

I was going to say he is BU and childish but actually that would be ridiculous spoilt brat behaviour from a child as well.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 21-Apr-14 12:34:27

Do they plan to have an anniversary party every year?! Even if so (mad) friend is not obliged to go.
I can't comprehend missing a wedding because it was my birthday. In fact one of my best friends got married the day before my birthday 2 years ago. I was chuffed as I got to have lunch with some old friends the day after.

Hissy Mon 21-Apr-14 12:34:38

After the day itself, the wedding anniversary only matters to those who exchanged the vows i'd think, anyway.

Do people expect everyone to remember a wedding and send a card every year?

Fairenuff Mon 21-Apr-14 12:37:11

Tell your friend to grow up!!!

He can't!! He doesn't have a birthday anymore.

Sheeesh, keep up! grin

magoria Mon 21-Apr-14 12:37:28

I think it is more like Clutterbugs has said. OPs friend know his family dynamics and knows that every year his family will make a huge fuss of his BIL/SIL not sure which and he will be further ignored as is normal.

redexpat Mon 21-Apr-14 12:38:16

A friend got married on my birthday. Meant I didn't have to pay for the drinks, I got a mention in their speech, and it makes remembering their wedding anniversary soooo much easier.

Similarly we got married on DHs friend's birthday. No complaints there. Again, drinks, party ...

Weddings happen once in a lifetime (in theory). Birthdays happen every year. I'm normally of the celebrate your birthday how you like camp, but on this particular one I think your friend IBU.

redexpat Mon 21-Apr-14 12:39:31

Although just read clutterbugs post and she makes a very valid point.

RuthlessBaggage Mon 21-Apr-14 12:43:11

If they'll ignore his birthday in favour of the anniversary, then the problem isn't the date but the family.

Go or don't go, but don't pretend that the family dynamic would be different if his birthday happened to fall midweek this year.

iK8AllTheEggs Mon 21-Apr-14 12:43:36

Surely the solution is to pop some candles on the wedding cake and a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday before the speeches?

Or I dunno, maybe just be a grown up about it?

AreWeThereYeti Mon 21-Apr-14 12:45:20

Y friend is B very U indeed. In fact, I can't believe he even noticed it kept alone complained to you about it.

Euphemia Mon 21-Apr-14 12:53:18

My BIL and SIL couldn't tell you when my birthday is. I don't see why it should be a date of any significance in their lives.

Your friend IBU.

specialsubject Mon 21-Apr-14 12:58:59

I call bluff. No-one is this juvenile past their 10th birthday. (when it is perfectly reasonable to be juvenile!)

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 13:00:59

I don't understand the thread. It is his brother-in-law who is getting married,not even his brother,so apart from this one day what on earth does it matter that people to whom he is only related to by marriage might (assuming people actually celebrate anniversaries) be celebrating.

Even if it were his brother how does this prevent his celebrating his birthday next year?

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 13:04:40

I expect it's just me but not only would I never expect any of my in-laws to be involved in my birthday celebrations (nor me in theirs) I haven't the faintest idea when their anniversaries or birthdays are. I'm sure they don't recall my anniversary and they never knew when my birthday is.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 21-Apr-14 13:05:09

I got married on my aunt's birthday. She got flowers, mentioned in the speech, and everyone sang happy birthday. It was lovely.

But now I come to think of it I am very angry that 2 characters on Tge Archers are getting married on my wedding anniversary. Now, forever more, it'll be Tom and Kirsty's anniversary. Not mine. which is just as well as I'm divorced

pictish Mon 21-Apr-14 13:08:11

I assumed bil actually meant db. As in, this chap's brother is getting married on his bday.
It did not occur to me that bil actually meant bil, because no adult in their right mind would think to actively protest over their wife's brother's wedding day overshadowing their birthday, and see it as a legitimate reason to abstain from the wedding!!
Would they? hmm
Surely not!

Floggingmolly Mon 21-Apr-14 13:18:01

He's going to decline the wedding invitation because it would mean he'd miss out on his birthday cake? He sounds mentally deficient frighteningly immature.
They'd probably be better off if he did decline, rather than have him glooming round their wedding reception with a gob on him because the attention is on the happy couple, not the birthday boy.

pictish Mon 21-Apr-14 13:20:13

Seriously...what bizarre planet does someone inhabit, if they think their in laws are doing them a disservice by celebrating their own son's wedding anniversary over their daughter's husband's birthday??

Is that the set up? If so, I am doing the shock hmm faces with no apology.

NCISaddict Mon 21-Apr-14 13:22:54

My niece is getting married on my DH's birthday. Thank goodness he is a grown up so we can all go to the wedding without any problem.

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 13:24:08

Does anyone apart from the actual couple celebrate anniversaries?

pictish Mon 21-Apr-14 13:24:47

And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.

Yes...and so what? They did not give birth to him, or raise him...why on earth should they care a fig for his birthday beyond the usual courtesies?

What is going on here? OP - where are you?

My eldest sister got married on my youngest sister's 6th birthday. As far as the rest of the family are concerned the birthday is the main celebration.

My youngest sister has had the good fortune to be able to celebrate her birthday with the whole family on big events like our big sister's silver wedding anniversary. No doubt we will do the same soon when it is their Ruby Anniversary.

Maybe it is because I'm from a very large family but we are all a bit meh about "special dates". We find any excuse for a family get together and even better if there are more people celebrating.

OddBoots Mon 21-Apr-14 13:29:22

The issue is more about having big anniversary celebrations than about the date. I've only known couples celebrating anniversaries privately unless they are the big ones (25, 40, 50, 60).

insancerre Mon 21-Apr-14 13:31:16

when I met Dh and realised he had the same birthday as me, i made sure I married him so he wouldn't have his birthday to himself ever again.
that learned the bastard grin

Nomama Mon 21-Apr-14 13:40:09

That all reminds me that we got married the day after SILs birthday (also same day as Princess Di and Prince Charles, though different year). She was most upset that we were stealing her birthday weekends and said so, loud and often on our wedding day.

She also brought it up the week before. People always celebrated her birthday rather than our anniversary, but every year she moaned about being scared they would ignore her special day. Over and over again, despite the fact that we have been almost NC for 13 years, she still, apparently, makes a fuss.

Well, the reason she always gets her celebration is we don't do anything for our anniversary, nothing that involves anyone else. And I think that is normal, isn't it?

Mind you, it is our 25th this year and, despite the utter lack of contact, she has let us know that she would be willing to organise our party, alongside her birthday smile

So your friend could use my SILs action as a template, to ensure he always gets his birthday properly acknowledged!


LanaStraightLeg Mon 21-Apr-14 14:01:07

I have a dental check on my birthday this year. Appointments are like hen's teeth at our practice so I took the first date they offered me. Now I realise I should give my dentist a call back and tell her to go fuck herself.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Mon 21-Apr-14 14:02:09

I didn't think adults 'did' birthdays, last time I celebrated my birthday was when I was 21 and that wasn't yesterday

Also the only people who celebrate our wedding anniversary are DH and myself.

I think you're friend is bonkers.

deadduck Mon 21-Apr-14 14:06:45

Bitout, Tom and Kirsty are getting married on MY birthday. The cheek of it angry

Caitlin17 Mon 21-Apr-14 14:08:15

I have a birthday party every year, friends not family. I don't know anyone who celebrates anniversaries except by the couple themselves.

londonrach Mon 21-Apr-14 14:09:44

Yabu. It's a day! Just go and enjoy the wedding. My sister gave birth to her dd on the same day as her sis in law. Her sis in law(good friend of mine too) mentioned in passing ages before hoping the baby wouldn't come then. It happened. Her sis in law says it's an honor she can share the day with her niece. More cake when everyone gets together which is not a bad thing!

fluffyraggies Mon 21-Apr-14 14:10:58

First thing i thought of was that it's his wife's brother getting married, so quite 'removed' IYSWIM.

Who, when they're planning their wedding date, says oh god, no, we can't do that day - it's my fiance's sister's husband's birthday that day!!


Arkina Mon 21-Apr-14 14:13:06

Surely the fact hes (supposedly) an adult he'll at most get a card & pressie from family? Thats not going to change. If the family are big on anniversaries and celebrate every year (bit weird) then hes knocked it off. Means he'll have something nice to do on his bday every year.

My nieces bday is the day before mine its lucky she wasn't born 10 mins later or wed share a bday shock shock I love it. Cos shes just little we always do something as a family and SHE emphasises the fact its a joint thing bless her. Usually she has a thing with her wee pals on her birthday and we do a family thing on mine. I get to see everyone on my birthday; get lovely pressies, a meal out and get to blow out candles on her cake lol.

Tell your pal to get a grip put his big boy pants on and stop behaving like a spoilt child

silveroldie2 Mon 21-Apr-14 14:25:49

Aww diddums. I am utterly shocked that an (I presume) adult would give a damn about this. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

lastnightIwenttoManderley Mon 21-Apr-14 14:28:48

I had the audacity to enter the world on my grandparents 29th wedding forward 21 years and we did have a bit of a diary clash, especially as they lived a couple of thousand miles away. Never mind, they had a golden wedding party which my uncle and his kids went to whilst my dad stayed for my 21st. No hard feelings, everyone understood.

But brother in laws wedding? Enjoy the free party! DH and i celebrate our anniversary just the two of us, who on earth has a big family affair for a 'normal' anniversary?

chocolatemademefat Mon 21-Apr-14 14:49:10

My brother got married on my birthday and it was a terrific day. My birthday was never mentioned on the day as it was their special day and I wouldnt have wanted it any other way.
As you get older birthdays matter less - or at least my own does to me - I'd rather celebrate my childrens birthdays. Couldnt care less about my own.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 21-Apr-14 15:14:10

deadduck, some fictional people have got no bloody consideration angry

Happy birthday for 24th anyway if they haven't ruined it for you completely

SellyMevs Mon 21-Apr-14 23:42:35

I got married on my BIL's birthday. It wasn't a big deal for anyone, he was best man, and we all had a brilliant day...

For our first wedding anniversary, I'm pretty certain I will do something with DH, just us, no party.. The wedding was a big enough party to see them family through for a few years! And no doubt we will pop in for tea and cake for BIL'S birthday. Everyone's happy.

Certainly no tantrums in sight..

joanofarchitrave Mon 21-Apr-14 23:51:44

Hilarious thread - thanks OP grin

deliciouscitrus Tue 22-Apr-14 13:50:52

Thanks Clutterbugs, and the couple of others.

It's impossible to put all the family dynamics in an OP.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. It is yet another example of his in-laws trying to take over anything of importance to him and overshadow it with something of their own.

It's not at all the same as being born on the same day as someone.

I'm glad you're all so grown up as to not care what happens on your birthdays.

pictish Tue 22-Apr-14 14:07:00

I don't think he is being unreasonable. It is yet another example of his in-laws trying to take over anything of importance to him and overshadow it with something of their own.

On what planet would son in law's birthday ever trump actual son's wedding? confused
You may well be right about the family dynamic in general, but on this particular issue it's a clear case of suck it up buttercup.

I'm glad you're all so grown up as to not care what happens on your birthdays.

Yes, I too am glad that I have the maturity to accept that a wedding is more important than my birthday.
I am genuinely puzzled as to why you and he think otherwise?

I understand that from what you say, there are ongoing problems, but this is not the appropriate issue to take a stand over. He will make himself look like a petty spoiled child, and no one will take him remotely seriously.
Do not encourage him to forego the wedding in favour of having birthday cake at your place. That would be preposterous.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 14:12:03

IS this a genuine clash of dates? I think, as I have said before, that on this occasion, if it's just an ordinary birthday, then he should just forgo it for the wedding itself, but in future he has the perfect 'out' to excuse himself from the family overblown events.

I'm sure there is plenty of backstory with this and the fact that YOU don't think he IBU speaks volumes. I'm sure that you can appreciate that without that backstory this thread being placed on AIBU probably wouldn't have turned out any differently to how it has done.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 14:12:50

forego, sorry ;)

IComeFromALandDownUnder Tue 22-Apr-14 14:13:34

I really cannot believe a grown man would think like this. I really can't.

IComeFromALandDownUnder Tue 22-Apr-14 14:17:13

I mis-read the op. I thought it was HIS parents but even worse it is not.

Why is he expecting his in laws to celebrate HIS birthday. The mind boggles. He should throw his toys out of his pram and go to your house for his birthday cake and candles instead.

2rebecca Tue 22-Apr-14 14:18:17

What does his wife think? If one of my rellies got married on my husband's birthday i can't see how that would affect his future birthdays as they'd still send him cards and presents (usually vouchers). It's up to me to make a fuss of him and remind his (young adult) kids. If he doesn't get on that well with his inlaws isn't it good they're less likely to want to socialise with him on his birthday?
He can just have a fun time with his wife, kids and friends.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 22-Apr-14 14:19:12

"On what planet would son in law's birthday ever trump actual son's wedding?"


Really, you are anabling his childish behaviour. He needs to get a big fat grip. As do you if you think he's being reasonable!

NCISaddict Tue 22-Apr-14 14:19:44

I really cannot believe a grown man would winge about this. I am so pleased that my DH is not going to ruin my nieces wedding by having a tantrum like your friend is thinking of doing. It is very unattractive in an adult regardless of the family dynamics.

iK8 Tue 22-Apr-14 14:21:32

Why bother asking? I mean really, why?

MNHQ, can we have a topic called "I'm right, I know I am and I don't care what anybody thinks but I am jolly well going to post any way" please? We can bung all the time wasters in there.


deliciouscitrus Tue 22-Apr-14 14:23:59

Ah well. The mumsnet verdict is in and I disagree with it, so won't be sharing with my friend.
Hissy is right, now I have seen all these responses I guess it does seem a bit childish if you don't know the people involved.

KitKat1985 Tue 22-Apr-14 14:25:43

Sorry, your friend is being unreasonable. I would actually think going to a wedding would be a nice way to spend a birthday. And he could always do a 'birthday treat' another day. Would actually be quite selfish I think to miss a wedding just because it's his birthday. I'm sure a lot of weddings clash with at least one's of their guests birthdays, anniversaries, etc; but you can't plan a wedding around every single one of your guests birthdays etc; as it would be a nightmare! And having got married last year, I know finding a date that suits both the couple and venue and registrar can be a nightmare anyway.

However, I see no reason why subsequent years he should have to go to an anniversary party every year on his birthday, but that's really a different situation.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 22-Apr-14 14:26:18

OP that's because it is ridiculous

jaynebxl Tue 22-Apr-14 14:28:07

So you would only have shared this thread with your friend if everyone had agreed with you both?

Sorry if this has already been asked but will the newly weds have a party every year on their birthday? Or will they just mark it between the two of them, like most people (if they're lucky) thus making it irrelevant to future birthdays of your friend?

deliciouscitrus Tue 22-Apr-14 14:28:21

I think my friend needs to set some boundaries about what he will and won't allow from his in laws. But perhaps the BIL wedding is not such a great place to start with that.

BackforGood Tue 22-Apr-14 14:30:26

It's got nothing to do with knowing, or not knowing the people involved. The facts are clear. You are seriously suggesting that a grown person (IMO, this would also apply to a child, but that's another question) would not go to a close family wedding due to the fact it fell on his birthday. shock.
As iK8 points out - you've got 4 pages of answers all telling you he's being ridiculous, and yet you still seem to think there's some trace of reasonableness about it. hmm Wow!

deliciouscitrus Tue 22-Apr-14 14:30:45

the soon to be newly weds will have a massive party every year organized by friends MIL
And his wife and kids will be expected to be at that do, and not their own dad's birthday. It's not really about this year one day.

OddFodd Tue 22-Apr-14 14:30:49

Please OP for the love of chocolate, can you explain who is actually getting married? Is it his wife's brother?

Are you sure they even know it's his birthday? I'm not sure I would

BitOutOfPractice Tue 22-Apr-14 14:31:26

How is he going to "not allow" it.

Look, I'm sure this friend does have an issue with his family. They do sound rather over bearing. But if he chooses this issue as the one to dig his heels in about, he'll look like a nutcase

pictish Tue 22-Apr-14 14:33:42

If there are problems surrounding boundaries and disrespect towards your friend, then he would be right to want to put his foot down...but this wedding versus birthday fiasco would most certainly not be the way to go about it.
He would look incredibly foolish and it would do far more harm than good.

It could not be taken any other way than bizarrely self obsessed.

RuthlessBaggage Tue 22-Apr-14 14:34:55

So like we said, it isn't the double-booking as the family.

HWVU to marry into that family then grin

elQuintoConyo Tue 22-Apr-14 14:35:24

Oh, if only my problems were so outrageously ridiculous!

What a dick. He should also grow up and tell his family that he won't be asking "how high?" everytime they ask him to jump for a party.

RuthlessBaggage Tue 22-Apr-14 14:35:54

Unless ... do his PIL throw him and his DW a similar party every year...?

deliciouscitrus Tue 22-Apr-14 14:36:18

It's his wife's brother.
Friends MIL (mother of the groom) definitely knows it's my friends birthday. She is very involved in everything to do with everyone.

He can't 'not allow" the wedding, of course.

OddFodd Tue 22-Apr-14 14:36:30

Yes indeed. To refuse to go to the wedding looks ridiculously petulant and will probably confirm whatever prejudice your friend's ILs have about him.

And as someone said, this is an ideal opportunity to avoid the hideous anniversary celebration parties for years to come.

ILoveWooly Tue 22-Apr-14 14:40:42

Surely he just goes to the wedding this year and then the answer when asked to anniversary celebrations every year (seriously, who does that?!?) is 'sorry, we have plans that weekend for X's birthday'.
Perhaps join them to celebrate big anniversaries.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 22-Apr-14 14:42:27

If I were him I would start a new tradition of going away on my birthday

pictish Tue 22-Apr-14 14:44:06

If the in laws have no respect for your friend, what do you think the no-show-at-the-wedding-because-it's-my-birthday would achieve?

Will they think

a) Oh perhaps it's time for us to compromise with him more, and show him some consideration.


b) Oh my God - he actually thinks his birthday is more important than the wedding and is refusing to come! What a dickhead!!

I'll give you a clue. It's b. wink

jaynebxl Tue 22-Apr-14 14:44:48

Do people in his wife's family really celebrate their wedding anniversaries every year with a big party? Yet his wife has avoided this? Just because they have a party doesn't mean he has to go.

MrsD0nnaLyman Tue 22-Apr-14 14:45:52

Do ILs organise a massive bash for his wedding anniversary yearly?

Also, the party will rarely be on the actual day, unless no one has a job, it will be at the closest weekend. Just organise a birthday dinner/party on a different day?

Again, you are sure this is an adult?

OddFodd Tue 22-Apr-14 14:46:53

Maybe it's the only date they could get for the venue. Maybe it's a special date for them for some other reason. Surely it's not anything to do with your friend's MIL when her son gets married or has she organised the whole thing?

All sounds very odd and if I were you I'd be trying to encourage your friend to put a positive spin on it as BitOutOfPractice suggests

LineRunner Tue 22-Apr-14 14:47:51

So he and his wife must get a big wedding anniversary party every year as well?

Bue Tue 22-Apr-14 14:48:05

There must be some serious family dynamics going on here, to have this kind of reaction to a wedding on your birthday hmm

deliciouscitrus - are you married? I only ask because the effort involved to get a decent venue on precisely the date of someone else's birthday just to trump it would be - well incredible. Literally incredible.

OfficerVanHalen Tue 22-Apr-14 14:55:01

So this is all coming from your male friend, who is merrily slagging his wife and famy off to you? Do they perhaps "not understand" him? Does he often use you as a shoulder to cry on? Could he perhaps be exaggerating for some completely inexplicable unfathomable reason?

flowery Tue 22-Apr-14 14:55:20

"the soon to be newly weds will have a massive party every year organized by friends MIL and his wife and kids will be expected to be at that do, and not their own dad's birthday."

Well that would be worth making a stand about, but refusing to attend family wedding because it is on his birthday is ridiculously childish and would lose him any high ground.

LoonvanBoon Tue 22-Apr-14 14:55:42

the soon to be newly weds will have a massive party every year organized by friend's MIL. And his wife and kids will be expected to be at that do, and not their own dad's birthday. It's not really about this year one day.

How does he know this for certain? Does his MIL organize a "massive party" for him & his wife every year, & demand that all the family attends? And if so, does everyone seriously go along with this?

Struggling to get my head round the ideas of a)having big parties for all your wedding anniversaries & b) having your anniversary parties organized by your MIL. Anyone who did this in our family (on either DH's or my side) would be laughed at, frankly.

It seems (as others have said) that there are issues about boundaries & control in your friend's family, & rather than tackling those your friend is focussing on the idea of "owning" a date as the only way he can do what he wants for future birthdays.

Agree with everyone else that you can't own a date; that refusing to attend a family wedding because it's your b-day (as an adult) would seem petty & odd. But also that your friend doesn't have to attend any other anniversary parties if he doesn't want to - certainly not for the first ten years! And yes, if he has a problem with MIL being overbearing, he has the perfect excuse (b-day plans), surely? Or will he not have the support of his wife over this? Because that's a whole different problem.

OfficerVanHalen Tue 22-Apr-14 14:58:05

^^ "his wife and her family" that should be up there

Burren Tue 22-Apr-14 14:59:47

OP, I can only assume there is some serious family toxicity going on, if your friend's response to an ordinary event is so violent.

Does he genuinely think that his wife's brother and wife to be should have specifically avoided his birthday for their wedding date? There's clearly a backstory, but from an outsider's perspective, that sounds absolutely megalomaniac! I don't think people in general maintain an internal calendar of family birthdays and anniversaries, do they, far less understand that a family member might expect them to avoid his birthday for an event of huge importance to them? If their chosen venue said 'We have availability on date x, date y and date z', would he really expect them to avoid date x, even though it's the most suitable for them?

And no one can make anyone forcibly attend an anniversary party on an annual basis. I'm honestly not sure I believe in this annual anniversary shindig, though - anniversaries, apart from golden or ruby, are just private affairs between the two people who got married, rather than massive family extravaganzas!

fluffyraggies Tue 22-Apr-14 16:28:36

Well yes, do they throw a massive wedding anniversary party for him and his wife every year?

If so then he is being included in the 'family party' throwing tradition every year by virtue of being married into the family. If they do no throw a big party for him and his wife every year what makes him think it's going to be different for her brother?

I must repeat though - is it really realistic to expect a bride to avoid a date because it's her fiance's sister's husband's birthday?? I mean really? How many people's birthdays is one meant to avoid a clash with when organising a wedding?

Gubbins Tue 22-Apr-14 16:47:22

I don't know the dates of my siblings' partners' birthdays so couldn't have sabotaged them even if I wanted to. And if my mother had wanted to then she would have been stuffed too, as she didn't get a say in the date; we went for the only one the venue had free.

He has to go to the wedding, but is completely within his rights to ignore all future anniversary party invites. I want to know what his wife has to say about all this though.

hotfuzzra Tue 22-Apr-14 16:48:30

He gets a massive party for FREE every year around his birthday? Meal, cake and booze?
Where can I meet these people, I'd love to get in on that!!
Seriously, the anniversary party won't be on his actual birthday every year (Sundays, Mondays for example) so most years he can have his perfect birthday with his wife and kids.
The rest of the time he can go to the massive party, make his lovely wife drive, and wear a massive birthday badge.
Is his wallet too small for his fifties, and his diamond shoes too tight as well?!
first world problems

NoodleOodle Tue 22-Apr-14 17:24:46

Wow, just wow. As if they could have done it on purpose, or avoided it, or have been reasonably even expected to have avoided his birthday.

bigTillyMint Tue 22-Apr-14 17:34:25

Big parties usually only happen on a weekend, so that means that for at least 4 years they probably wouldn't celebrate on the actual day.

Bathsheba Tue 22-Apr-14 20:36:54


Are they Jehovah's Witnesses - they do not celebrate birthdays at all but they push the boat out a lot for wedding anniversaries...

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 21:20:42

At some point he has to make a stand.

How old is he? Under 40? He'll soon find that the older he gets, the more confident he gets, and perhaps his dw will back him too.

He kind of has to go to the wedding, but then his job is done. He doesn't have to attend the party, choosing instead to spend time with his friends and family.

He can do this.

Get him on here, Relationships rather than AIBU i'd suggest wink

Stately Homes thread'd be a good place to start.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 21:22:35

Everyone, i'd guess this is the very thin end of a very, very, very long wedge.

It does sound ridiculous on the face of it, but stately home/dysfunctional family stuff often does. It's how it goes on for so long.

flowery Tue 22-Apr-14 21:37:08

Where is his wife in all this? Would she also be refusing to attend her own brothers wedding because it is on her husband's birthday, or would he be coming to your house for cake on his own while she attends the wedding?

OK, assuming we are talking about some seriously unhealthy family dynamics (and we all know they exist); his wife could have a quiet word with her brother, pointing out that his chosen date is her husband's birthday, and obviously she will be unable to attend any future anniversary parties as her husband's birthday parties will obviously be more important to her.

I'm assuming his wife's mother plays favourites and worships her son as The Second Coming whilst regarding her daughter as a handmaiden at best, OP?

2rebecca Tue 22-Apr-14 22:38:38

He and his wife need to stand up to them and decline future anniversary celebrations because it's his birthday.
They are adults and don't have to do what other adults say.
If his wife won't go against her parents it becomes a marital problem, most adults learn to say no to their parents if they have clashing views.

Hissy Tue 22-Apr-14 22:44:33

I reckon the wife's still trying to win approval from her parents, and in competition with the golden groom to be.

ballseditup Tue 22-Apr-14 22:57:09

Your friend is a massive nob OP

thegreylady Tue 22-Apr-14 23:01:09

My dd married on her birthday. There was a 3 tier chocolate cake with candles and instead of the bride and groom cutting the cake they blew out the candles smile
Dsil has no excuse for forgetting either occasion now!

candycoatedwaterdrops Tue 22-Apr-14 23:08:21

Your 'friend' is a massive man child OP.

MoreLifeInATrampsVest Tue 22-Apr-14 23:21:08

I suppose it depends on the back story that OP has been hinting at.

DH has a very small family (due to his toxic father alienating his and MIL's siblings years ago and both sets of GP long deceased) but are in touch with a cousin who came to our wedding. They then set the date for their own wedding the weekend of our first wedding anniversary despite knowing we had booked a weekend away as we had no honeymoon die to illness. My God were there tantrums and sulks as we refused to cancel. In the end they got married with just MIL and SIL there, and they've never bothered with us since 5 years later.

But for a birthday, unless it is a 'big' birthday with plans already made, I think it is a bit unreasonable not to go. Celebrate the birthday the day before/after.

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