To be very annoyed at my SIL

(59 Posts)
PenguinBear Sun 13-Apr-14 10:07:05

we have an eldery relative in hospital (they are coming out soon and in good health). SIL lives 10minutes away and has grown up children so can pop to see him much more easily than us although she only goes once or twice a week herself. We live 90miles away and have young DC.

SIL rings this morning to see if we were planning to visit today. I said no as we'd already planned a day out and were going next week and were going to take him an Easter egg etc. she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today and she'd have to ring the hospital and tell him we weren't coming.

AIBU to be annoyed at her for this? I know she judges me terribly as I don't go every week but we really can't afford the petrol and it's so hard to find the time as I have so much work to do for work at the weekend. It takes all day so it's hard to go more than once every 2 weeks. He has 6 family members nearby who visit at the weekends and in the week so he's not alone.

She doesn't understand the fact that work (I'm a teacher) will not give me a day off to go and visit hmm

We've cancelled our plans and of course are going to visit today as I don't want him to be disappointed.

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am!

thebody Sun 13-Apr-14 10:11:46

Think you are ridiculous to cancel your plans or give your sil a second thought.

It's your business not hers.

RedPencilPot Sun 13-Apr-14 10:12:06


Let it go though and say nothing! If your SIL said it without checking with you, it's up to her to sort it out.

sooperdooper Sun 13-Apr-14 10:12:47

Yes I'd be annoyed too, it's not up to her to decide when you visit!! Personally I wouldn't change my plans but I'd ring the hospital myself, talk to your relative and explain you'll come next week

Funnyfoot Sun 13-Apr-14 10:13:39

You SIL was BU to make plans on your behalf.

I think the amount you are visiting is fine. As you say you live quite far away and are visiting when you can. I doubt that your relative would want to be a burden to anyone.

Saying that you do need to tell SIL that she should no longer do this or judge you otherwise it will continue. Stand up for yourself.

thebody Sun 13-Apr-14 10:13:40

To add I would t dream of taking 'young dc' into a hospital unless it was for their treatment.

Most wards don't allow children and it's really not recommended unless absolutist necessary like visiting a parent.

sooperdooper Sun 13-Apr-14 10:14:01

Oh and also if he's well enough to be coming out soon of course you wouldn't take a day off to visit, even if you could!!

gamerchick Sun 13-Apr-14 10:17:12

Don't cancel your plans or it'll be a green light to her.

pinkyredrose Sun 13-Apr-14 10:22:04

It wasn't on for SIL to say that but in the other hand I think visiting an elderly relative is pretty important. It can't be much fun for them in hospital plus wouldn't you want family to visit you if you were old and in hospital alone?

Plus if you're a teacher aren't you on Easter holidays anyway?

Tinkerball Sun 13-Apr-14 10:27:48

Who made SIL in charge of visiting eh?!

BlackeyedSusan Sun 13-Apr-14 10:31:34

oh for goodness sake, you are a teacher, you only work from nine to three, with all those holidays, and you must be paid enough to afford all the petrol... <hollow laughter> I mean easter "holidays" what else have you got to do?

YABU to even think of changing plans.

RecentlySpotted Sun 13-Apr-14 10:36:52

She was unreasonable to plan your day for you, but YABU to even worry about it.

EvaBeaversProtege Sun 13-Apr-14 10:40:34

Don't cancel your plans.

She is BU to plan your day!!!

cees Sun 13-Apr-14 10:44:55

Tell her not to speak for you, you can do that yourself and then ring your relative and have a conversation, ask how they are, the usual and then tell them if and when you can make a visit.

Tell your sil to stop arranging your spare time, interfering cow.

comicsansisevil Sun 13-Apr-14 10:47:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dreamer789 Sun 13-Apr-14 11:05:13

Does she judge your DH as well?

CerealMom Sun 13-Apr-14 11:09:11

You: "did you tell 'George' I'd be visiting today"?

SiL: "yes".

You: "please don't tell George we'll be visiting, when you haven't spoken to us first. You know it's a considerable journey for us which needs planning, and it raises expectations for George. I don't want him disappointed".

Any response other than, "ok, sorry" just shows she's rude.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 13-Apr-14 11:23:31

How rude of her. I think CerealMom put it perfectly.

thebody Sun 13-Apr-14 11:25:08

I think a 'mind your own fucking business' suffices really.

Don't be a twat and cancel your plans. Also tell your dh to sort it.

MincingOnBy Sun 13-Apr-14 11:40:50

What cereal mom said

lola88 Sun 13-Apr-14 11:43:14

YANBU she's out of line. I think cancelling your plans so he's not let down in a lovely thing to do and I would do the same unless it was a special day out with tickets or the kids have been promised and can only be done today, if that's the case I would call to tell him there have been crossed wires (i wouldn't upset him with the whole story) and you are coming another time.

She got out of her guilt at not visiting today by piling it on you didn't she?

WipsGlitter Sun 13-Apr-14 11:53:25

Who is he related to? You? Or your DP?

Fairenuff Sun 13-Apr-14 11:54:22

If you cancel your plans and go you give your SIL the message that she was right to do what she did. Don't go on principle or you will just have more of this nonsense from her.

Was it your idea to cancel plans OP, or your dh? It is a relative on his side of the family, after all, so he probably feels more guilt that you do.

TittyMcFartyFlaps Sun 13-Apr-14 11:59:04

She couldn't be arsed to visit, so she told you to, and you fell for it.
More fool you if you go.

soundevenfruity Sun 13-Apr-14 12:00:29

It's about him and not your SIL so I wouldn't make a point for the sake of making a point. It's so considerate to cancel your plans and it's reasonable to take your children with you as they need to excercise their "compassionate muscles". I would have a 1-2-1 conversation to you SIL though.

Goldmandra Sun 13-Apr-14 12:01:40

You have a responsibility to your DCs too and dragging them up and down the motorway to visit someone in hospital isn't particularly kind either.

You decided the frequency of visiting that meets everyone's needs best. Your SIL has told you you're wrong because she has a different life and a different perspective.

If I were the person in hospital, I'd rather people visited me because they wanted to see me and enjoyed spending time with me, not because some busybody had pushed them into it.

Tell her that you won't allow yourself to be pushed around again so, if she tells him you'll be visiting without checking with you, she will have to be the one to let him down.

Let her judge you.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 14-Apr-14 10:36:15

Why would she think it's reasonable to make plans for someone else without telling them about them - does she think you're telepathic?
I'd tell her that she's the one who's letting him down by making promises she can't keep, and then arrange to visit him with your family under your own steam.

Did you actually visit yesterday?

If you did, make that the last time you actually change plans because of your SiL's attitude towards you.

Don't be a doormat, no one needs to be walked over.

Hissy Mon 14-Apr-14 12:04:20

"she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today"

Her problem. you should never have cancelled your plans. Don't let others manipulate and guilt trip you.

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 14-Apr-14 12:27:19

Who is the elderly relative, OP?

I ask because I can see that may have a bearing upon your SIL's presumption and expectations.

For example, if your SIL is your DH's DSis, and the elderly relative is one of your PILs, then it might not be unreasonable for SIL to expect her brother, your DH, to be there when his mother or father came out of hospital, particularly if there is ongoing care to be planned.

Likewise, if your SIL is your brother's wife, and the elderly relative is one of your parents, then again it might not be unreasonable to expect you to be there to welcome your mother or father home and help plan their care.

However, if the elderly relative is (for example) an uncle, with two grown up children of his own, and you are one of several nephews and nieces that he regularly sees, then it certainly would be unreasonable of your SIL to make visiting arrangements in this way.

rollonthesummer Mon 14-Apr-14 13:01:29

What did you say to get? Why did you agree?

I don't understand why you didn't say to her what you've posted on here?

PenguinBear Mon 14-Apr-14 15:28:28

We went. It's dp's side and yes SIL is one of his sisters.

We went to see him, we couldn't not as I would have felt too guilty for leaving him.

We stopped off on the way to have a partial day out and took the DC out for dinner in the way back to break up the journey.

Fairenuff Mon 14-Apr-14 16:48:46

I don't think you can complain about SIL then, if you are happy to fall in with her plans. Sorry, but she will only realise it's not ok to do that if you tell her. Otherwise, as far as she is concerned, this arrangement suited you all.

Hissy Mon 14-Apr-14 16:50:34

You need to call SIL and tell her that you did pop in and see the relative, but that in future she is not to promise your time to anyone. You don't take orders from her, or answer to her and you'd appreciate if she kept her own diary.

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 14-Apr-14 16:51:59

So was this your DP's father, PenguinBear? If so, then you were right to go. Still perhaps galling to have SIL making arrangements for you without the courtesy of consultation, but you were right to go.

Cocolepew Mon 14-Apr-14 17:05:09

I would never expect anyone to travel 90 miles to visit me if I was in hospital shock

Whatisaweekend Mon 14-Apr-14 17:08:45

I think it was lovely of you to go so that your relative wouldn't be disappointed! However I would definitely tear your SIL off several strips for her rude and presumptuous behaviour (or have your dh do it - she is his sister, after all). How dare she make plans without consulting you!! Who the bloody hell does she think she is?? angry

expatinscotland Mon 14-Apr-14 17:23:00

More fool you to have cancelled your plans.

Stop allowing your SIL to bully and control you.

'No. That doesn't work for us.'

clam Mon 14-Apr-14 17:38:35

OK, so you made the most of it, but you still need to have a conversation with your SIL (or rather your dh does), telling her that she should not pull a stunt like that again.

Meerka Mon 14-Apr-14 17:45:51

I'd be saying politely that that doesn't work for us and she needs to talk to us before making arrangements on our behalf.

I'd also speak to your partner's father and let him know that you will make arrangements directly with him and not to expect you unless you've said it to him.

dollius Mon 14-Apr-14 17:51:57

Why on earth is the onus on you to arrange all these visits and not your DH?

Can you imagine your own brother haranguing your DH to visit your elderly aunt in hospital??

Completely ridiculous.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 14-Apr-14 18:34:29

'Oh we told him you'd be visiting'
'Best go visit yourself and untell him then.'

If she says 'jump' and you say 'how high', things will never change.

hellymelly Mon 14-Apr-14 18:40:12

I was in your position with my Mum, I lived two hours drive minimum from the hospital, and have young dds, my brother lived about 30 minutes away and has a teenager. My db completely understood why we only managed to visit every two weeks or so. Sometimes it was 3 or four if the girls had weekend stuff as we couldn't keep taking them out of school. dB visited twice a week most weeks. Now she is in a care home near me, as I wanted to take the burden off DB, and I visit three times a week, and DB (two hours or more away) once a month. Your Sil is being very unreasonable, not you. Stay firm, don't allow her to make you feel guilty.

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 14-Apr-14 20:29:27

Ywbu to cancel your plans
What did your dh say? It sounds as though you're expected to manage this situation.
YANBU to be annoyed with your Sisil.

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 20:34:06

I would LOVE to hear DSILs side of this story.

Nennypops Mon 14-Apr-14 21:29:14

It was ridiculous of her to tell your relative that you were coming without checking first. However, I have some sympathy with her as I'm in a similar position - I'm the one who lives near an elderly relative who is on her own in sheltered accommodation whilst other relatives live further away. Therefore I visit her at least twice a week, I'm the first person on call if there's a problem, I'm the one who sorts out her shopping, makes her appointments, etc etc; the other relatives visit maybe once in six weeks. I begrudge absolutely none of it, and I realise it's much more of a big deal for the others to make the journey. However, I don't think it really ever occurs to them that, even taking the journey into account, they devote much less time to said relative than I do, and there are times when I wish that they'd make just a little more effort.

So I agree that I'd like to hear SIL's side of this.

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 23:13:35

I know. I suspect that she feels very put upon and probably does a lot more than the OP either realises or is prepared to admit to us.

I suspect the SIL has got pretty damn frustrated over something to react like this as her sole aim seems to be to shame you into going.

I have to say I can't really understand why the OP and her DH are joined at the hip and have to go together. Why can't HE take a day off work, HE doesn't have lessons to prepare for Monday.

I have to say in the SILs shoes I would be cross that my brother was constantly not helping out purely because it wasn't convenient for his wife.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 06:01:50

Fair point nennypops and aermingers

dollius Tue 15-Apr-14 06:23:59

Well yes, maybe the SIL does feel very put upon. But that doesn't explain why it is the OP under pressure and not her DH.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 15-Apr-14 08:19:21

I know why. It's because she hasn't got a younger sister to bully, and her brother has kindly provided her with one.

DW is a younger sister, and my function along with DBIL, is to fend off her sister's attempts to crush her.

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 08:54:30

There is quite an age gap (15 years) between me and SIL and I think part of dp (and me) feels that we should respect her as she'a older. Plus she used to babysit my DP a lot when he was young so she treats him more like her son than her brother in terms of telling him what to do.

Fairenuff Tue 15-Apr-14 09:05:50

OP you've given a reason why you both let her tell you want to do. So it's sorted then? You are going to carry on like this, with her telling you want to do because it suits all of you?

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 12:05:14

I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:29:47

Are you sure she oesn't understand about not getting time off work?
It would seem she's signed you up for a visit in the hols, not in term time.
I agree that's not on, if you hadn't said you were going though.

You've explained why,iyo, your DP nd you feel compelled to do as SIL asks, but not why he doesn't deal with his dais, or why e cat just go and visit his dad to augment the visits you already do.
I wonder whether she is just feeling the longer term burden of being the older sib and close to elderly relatives.
I k ow its really hard with small dcs. But I think it will surprise you, when yours are older, quite how much of your life they still occupy.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 20:40:04

"I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!"

Is this 'elderly relative' your DP's father, PenguinBear?

If so, I think your DP really should be the one to ring his sister. in addition to your DP saying his piece (about your SIL making arrangements for you without asking), they do surely need to discuss their father's ongoing care and/or support needs.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:47:31

Yes, surely he should call. This is their father yes?
Not so that you don't have to be involved, but so htt your DP is involved.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 21:26:14

Also, I do sort of wonder why (if this is his father) your DP hadn't previously communicated with his sister to establish who was going to be available to be there for their father coming home, when he came out of hospital.

soundevenfruity Tue 15-Apr-14 21:42:38

She might be concerned that all the looking after DFL will fall on her and is trying to make sure (awkwardly) that you know that your family will have to pull your weight. I think it's quite well known that sons leave caring for elderly parents to their sisters. 15 years gap is quite a lot so she might not be in the best of health but then you have a young family and leave further away so it has to be balanced. They need to discuss it between themselves and if they expect you to help out then they have to involve you in the discussion. If you start proving a point to your SIL every time you are going to hurt your FIL and it's a sad thing to be shown that you are a burden to your family. I would think about what would've happened if it was you father and what you would be prepared to do for him in this situation.

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