To give internet dating a go

(40 Posts)
Hiphopopotamus Sat 12-Apr-14 22:24:58

So please - give me some honest responses!

I'm 26 years old, and would really like to be in a committed relationship. I am waiting for a decent guy to fall into my lap, and it's just not happening. I've sat through yet another wedding of yet another friend today, and I am just fucking fed up! (It doesn't help that the groom was a guy that I casually dated and slept with a few years ago blush)

So AIBU to try internet dating. Part of the reason for my question is that I really don't want to! My ideal relationships are ones that develop from friendships, and part of me feels that internet dating is just a bit artificial. My other qualm is that I feel a lot of guys sign up to internet dating to sleep with desperate women, and have no interest in a relationship. I really don't want to be one of those desperate women!!

So please give me some honest responses - have you had some good or bad experiences with internet dating? Do you have some dating sites that you would recommend or avoid like the plague?

Thanks oh mumsnet wisdom!

fourcorneredcircle Sat 12-Apr-14 22:48:09

I married my online find smile

mumofboyo Sat 12-Apr-14 22:49:42

Yanbu
I met dh on online dating. We joined 2 different sites and I paid more but they use the same platform (or something) so were matched to each other. We were each other's first match/contact.
I'd say, from my own experience and from what I've read on here, that if you do then think about the following:
- join a paid site rather than a free one (people I've met said they met more oddballs on the free sites)
- keep the online bit short: don't spend ages emailing and swapping messages. Arrange to meet fairly quickly because it's easy to fall for a faceless voice and then be disappointed when you meet in person. And if you meet quickly, if there's no spark you haven't invested too much time and energy on getting to 'know' them.

Amytheflag Sat 12-Apr-14 22:50:48

I'm like you, my relationships develop from friendships. I found online dating completely awkward and forced. I did get a relationship and a baby out of it but in hindsight, he used the fact we met online to groom me in a way an irl relationship would have made difficult. You'll get lots of I FOUND MY HUSBAND replies though because not everyone likes to share the bad stuff so they won't respond.

WorraLiberty Sat 12-Apr-14 22:51:16

I have no experience of internet dating but my sister has and so have many of my friends.

Most of them advise using a site where you have to pay a membership fee.

According to them it cuts down on the guys just looking for dirty talk and a crafty wank.

If they have to pay to join, they're likely to be a bit more serious and not so much of a time waster.

NCFTTB Sat 12-Apr-14 22:54:50

Go for it! It's fun and you've got nothing to lose. I'm like you, I wanted a lovely story to how we met but as I've got older I'm also exploring other avenues. It makes you evaluate exactly what you do and do not want if nothing else. Good luck!

Isabeller Sat 12-Apr-14 22:55:28

DP & I found each other online, I would say it's worth investing some time and thought in the process if you want to make it work for you.

I also heard this amazing matchmaker caroline brealey on woman's hour, maybe worth considering her?

Only1scoop Sat 12-Apr-14 22:56:20

Have a go....

I had great fun....four friends have met Dp DH etc and are really happy.

Universal Sat 12-Apr-14 22:58:55

Dip in and out. Decide it's just one option but don't give up on random encounters. If you are thinking about it then it means that you are at the stage where you want to settle down. No matter how old you are it's good to know what you want.
Have a think about where your friends met their husbands and consider those options too.
Yes it's the norm but it's not for everyone. Stay safe. Good luck!

brokenhearted55a Sat 12-Apr-14 23:01:47

Ive used reputable paid sites.

take a look at my user name....says it all.

sparkbubbles Sat 12-Apr-14 23:04:40

I met my DH online! It takes someone to push you to do it. I only joined because my male BF at the time was doing it too and asked me to keep him company. Having had a recent break up I did it with not much to lose and a casual attitude. DH was my first match smile
I found we had so much in common and we felt we already knew each other somewhat.
Good luck!

WorraLiberty Sat 12-Apr-14 23:19:15

It kind of doesn't say it all really broken

There are good and bad experiences in all sorts of dating.

After being on here so long and hearing endless cock picture stories, I wouldn't do online dating.

Not to mention all the married stories too.

MontyDonnsgirl Sat 12-Apr-14 23:30:13

Do it!

Here's my tip;
Write 20 things you want in your ideal partner. This is your chance to be as picky as you like! Then cut it down to 5. Only date these people!

Mine were:
Must be taller than me
Must be willing and able to support the family if I give up work to have children
Must be kind
Must be looking for the same thing
Must be able to go for a pint with my dad and brothers.

Reader I married him.

fortyplus Sat 12-Apr-14 23:30:46

I've been on match for about 5 months and no one has sent me a picture of their cock... Most on the site are genuine but I've had a fair bit of attention from very young men and some much older. The thing is that you're going to meet a lot of people you're not realy attracted to. But be realistic - internet dating is just a way of casting the net a little wider for single/compatible men. After al, you only need to meet one don't you wink

Hiphopopotamus Sat 12-Apr-14 23:40:23

Thanks for the tips guys - looks like paid sites are definitely the way to go.

Did anyone find it awkward going on what is essentially a blind date?

MontyDonnsgirl Sat 12-Apr-14 23:44:28

Slightly. But if you just go for an hour, have a swift dri k and then leave if it's awful or stay a bit longer of they're ok, you'll be alright. They'll be as nervous as you. Smile, dress like you're meeting your grandad and be charming. It'll be fine.

MontyDonnsgirl Sat 12-Apr-14 23:45:30

Another option is to read "how to find a husband after 35." I appreciate you're younger but it's excellent if scary, and a bit American bonkers!

MontyDonnsgirl Sat 12-Apr-14 23:46:42

And if you've got someone who is a "maybe"
Then don't reject them till you've snogged. Chemistry is a funny thing.

Hiphopopotamus Sat 12-Apr-14 23:49:35

Part of my issue is that I'm a recovering alcoholic which rules out meeting for a lovely inhibition lowering social lubricant drink! grin

NCFTTB Sat 12-Apr-14 23:56:34

I've been on loads of dates where I've driven and it's been fine.

antimatter Sun 13-Apr-14 00:04:54

You meet in a coffee shop for 1 hour max.
THis way you aren't stuck with someone horrible for a whole dinner or lunch.

I was looking at internet dating like that - I imagined that all of those guys were in a big buzzy pub. I bump into one of them and there's sligh chance that we have something in common. Statistically I need do meet many to find one who I find interesting (although possible it may be the very first one I bump into). I met one. We have being seeing each other for over 4 months. But I had many false starts grin

I've recently joined an online dating site. So far I've had 3 dates, none of them good experiences. I live in hope.
Do be prepared to be approached by wildly optimistic men who are 15 years (at least) older than the upper age limit you have specified. Also be prepared to communicate in text speak and be called babe and hun on your very first contact with someone.
One thing I have learned (from someone else) is never exchange phone numbers before you have met someone, always make sure someone you trust knows where you are going and who you are meeting and that they are prepared to rescue with a phonecall about a sudden family emergency just in case the persons online photo turns out to be from 1995 or actually is a photo of their much more attractive best friend.
I have also been given the following hints by a bloke on there that no profile photo = married/in a relationship/butt ugly and that blokes who only contact you in the daytime are either unemployed or can't contact you from home in the evening for obvious reasons.

MsVestibule Sun 13-Apr-14 00:08:15

I met DH on Match.com. I met five or six men before him and none of the dates were awkward. We'd normally have been emailing for a couple of weeks (don't think 'chat' was as much as a thing then) so we had an idea of each other's interests. If an hour into the date I knew it wasn't happening, I'd just say "Sorry, I don't really think there's any chemistry, is there?" and leave.

There are threads on Relationships about OD, you'll get good advice on there, too.

BillyBanter Sun 13-Apr-14 00:10:55

Give it a go. Be clear what you are after and not after but don't put 'I want to be married within the year'. That's not good.

Also depending on where you live meetup.com might be useful. It's not a dating site it's for arranging all sorts of social stuff like walks or practising your French.

SaucyJack Sun 13-Apr-14 00:15:51

Give it a go. My advice would be to be open-minded and don't get too hung up on someone having the perfectly witty profile or being exactly your "type".

I've found/been shown a few profiles of several blokes I know IRL- incl. former and current DPs- and none of them do them any justice tbh.

TheRealJoanWarburton Sun 13-Apr-14 00:34:02

Do it.

AlpacaYourThings Sun 13-Apr-14 00:41:41

YANBU, go for it! Nothing ventured and all that smile

60sname Sun 13-Apr-14 01:29:08

Just don't sleep with random sleazes apply some quality control and you'll be fine. It's just another avenue. Marrying my internet date next month (met aged 26) so am biased...

Deftones Sun 13-Apr-14 07:48:35

I met DO online dating, we're getting married in 5 months. My advice, for what it's worth, is keep your wits about you, listen to your gut and have fun!

There is less of a stigma surrounding online dating now, in fact it's fast becoming the 'norm' for dating.

I used to get embarrassed about mentioning DP and I met online, but now I don't because I don't care how I met him, just so glad I did, he's wonderful!

Deftones Sun 13-Apr-14 07:49:27

*DP ffs

zobey Sun 13-Apr-14 08:07:21

I married my dh after meeting him online. Been with him nearly 8 years and married nearly two with a two year old daughter

BellaOfTheBalls Sun 13-Apr-14 08:07:25

I met my DH online. Friends first etc but this was about 10 years ago when meeting people online was a bit taboo & only for weirdos/geeks/agoraphobics. Two years of chatting later we finally met up & have been together ever since.

One thing I would say, if you want a committed relationship, not endless photos of penises and guys only after sex then use a service you pay for. "I sent her a picture of my cock on Plenty Of Fish and we've been together ever since" said no groom ever.

Ikeameatballs Sun 13-Apr-14 08:08:20

I'm enjoying online dating!

On matchaffinity last year and met three guys one of whom I went out with three times. The first guy was nice, v well off but asked me how much I weighed! The second just wasn't for me and the third guy was lovely but I just didn't fancy him enough though we got on v well.

On Tinder in Jan and met a great guy for a lovely fling. He's a recovering alcoholic too and we just met for a walk (though we quite quickly walked to his bedroom blush). We've recently stopped seeing each other as what was meant for both of us to be NSA fun was becoming much more emotional yet actually we want different things:he really wants to have dc, I've got two and really don't want more. We'll stay in touch though as we like each other.

I've dated another guy from POF; great first date but the second one just didn't do it for me.

Going on another date on Monday.....hopeful!

I found matchaffinity quite limiting as there just weren't enough people near me on the site. I only met my fling man from Tinder but I think some people do use it for dating rather than just casual encounters. POF is fine for me so far, no cockshots and I just filter out and never reply to people who I know I wouldn't want a relationship with. The difficulty I find is in messaging multiple people at once and remembering who you have said what to! I would second meeting up quickly so that you're not investing lots of time in online chat with someone with whom there is no rl spark.

superram Sun 13-Apr-14 08:08:33

I met my now husband 10 years ago (when online dating was taboo). Now it is the way most of my friends meet their partners.

Pay, look at it as an option-don't be a husband hunter. It is a good way of meeting new people and having a nice time, if you meet the one that is a bonus.

You will get lots of messages at first from people for whom a sham marriage would benefit them, ignore and you will be fine.

I went on 5 dates, only saw one of them again. Then I met my dh. However, all the others were nice enough blokes. One left early to get back for his dogs-don't be easily offended it was his loss!

As others said, if you are interested, meet quickly and don't waste time on net or phone.

crazydashboard Sun 13-Apr-14 08:56:28

Something like 40% of relationships start online nowadays

Ritzandchocolate Sun 13-Apr-14 08:58:14

Give it a go, definitely.

I have had NO luck with it though - I think I must have an an invisible warning sign around my neck! Pretty much resigned myself to singleness as I don't meet any single men in day to day life, and online I have no luck.

60sname Sun 13-Apr-14 09:21:49

Just don't sleep with random sleazes apply some quality control and you'll be fine. It's just another avenue. Marrying my internet date next month (met aged 26) so am biased...

Odaat Sun 13-Apr-14 09:48:19

I had a date with a guy who told me he had been inside for manslaughter from age of 17 :/ first date too! True story,

I also had a relationship with a guy for 1 an half years off a dating site.

So I can safely say , there are some good, some bad and some ugly!

Just like in a pub tbh.

Good luck x

Odaat Sun 13-Apr-14 09:49:29

* he killed a guy under the influence of ecstasy and was sent to young offenders institution. Apparatnly he remembered none of it... I felt sad for him, but more so for the guy he killed !? I never saw him again ...

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