To tell my "boyfriend" ; to fuck off home?

(84 Posts)
ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 12:55:47

He's been here over a week. I don't like it. I need my space.

He shits 4 times a day (yes!) leaves the toilet seat up, uses my milk and tea bags, "Borrows" my fags, lounges across my sofa stays up all night watching music channels and sleeps in til now! Eats all my food and farts all the time. hmm

I wouldn't mind but he doesn't work so never replaces anything! His fucking iPad is constantly on charge and he leaves all the lights and TVs on too!

I want him to leave but I don't know how to say it. I'm such a bitch on here I no but not like that in real life!

(P.s he's the father of my child too)

I don't know if this is light hearted or not confused

So Am I BU to ask him politely to fuck off please?

GemmaPomPom Sun 06-Apr-14 12:57:22

Show him your post. He might not realise how objectionable his behaviour is.

cannykeepaway Sun 06-Apr-14 12:57:38

Mmmmmm tell him to fuck off and send him over to me!

Seriously, I get that he is the DF of your DC, but what is his attraction otherwise?

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 12:59:11

Nothing really hmm

HarderThanYouThink Sun 06-Apr-14 12:59:43

Erm tell him you need some space? I don't really know if there is a polite way of telling somebody to piss off tbh

ilovesooty Sun 06-Apr-14 13:00:20

Why do you have to be polite? Tell him to fuck off - permanently.

I take it he must have some redeeming features - or did have at one time?

rabbitlady Sun 06-Apr-14 13:00:33

then tell him to leave.

GemmaPomPom Sun 06-Apr-14 13:01:18

Why do you want him, cannykeepaway?

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:01:19

Has he always been like this? confused
I wouldn't put up with any of that from my adult children without protest, and changing the situation. So yes, tell him to go, but make sure he knows exactly why.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:01:23

He thinks I'm having a go if I ask him to put the toilet seat down! I'm going to have to fake a friend coming over!

FutTheShuckUp Sun 06-Apr-14 13:02:08

Do either of you work?

cannykeepaway Sun 06-Apr-14 13:02:18

I was being (not very) funny Gemma grin

Ummm..... why are you even with him?

He's the father of your child, but you don't live together and it doesn't even sound like you like him very much. Why bother?

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:03:43

He's ok sometimes but very good at playing the woe is me card everyone feel sorry for me!

I made him clean up after himself before he went to bed last night he looked at me like I said the baby isn't his! He sulks too.

Why am I with him?!

Cobain Sun 06-Apr-14 13:03:51

I do not allow anyone to treat me like that, he maybe DC father but he still needs to be a role model as so do you.

HowContraryMary Sun 06-Apr-14 13:05:03

He has no redeeming features, doesn't work, treats the house like a pig sty, doesn't pay his way - are you one of those women who can't be without a bloke?

Tell the cocklodger to bugger off back to his own flat. Or wherever he lives.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 06-Apr-14 13:05:13

'These are the rules of the house.
[list the rules]
You are welcome to leave if you don't like any of them.'

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:06:47

I'm on maternity and doing a Law degree at the moment. He lost his job last year when I was pregnant. I left him and only been back together about a month!

I'm starting to remember why I left I the first place. Sometimes I like him just in small doses. I think that's more to do with me though I'm used to my space I don't like being around people to much I'm a lone wolf if you like grin

MamaPain Sun 06-Apr-14 13:07:43

I don't understand, surely if you don't bullock him, and instead invent a fake friend he won't recognise you find this behaviour unacceptable and will continue to do so. He'd sort of be right in carrying on, selfish and rude but right, as he isn't aware you have a problem with it.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:08:07

I will try that Ribena!

No really not one of those women lol I'd rather be by myself!

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:10:19

I've said stuff before he's get emosh and thinks I'm just having a go.

I'm such a fool. I will kick his butt but I'm rather annoyed at the moment and don't want to argue in front of the baby.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 06-Apr-14 13:10:49

Sounds like a cocklodger, using your resources instead shelling out for himself, i guess he buys nothing for baby either.

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:12:48

Does he have his own place, or does he live with his parents?
You do seem to have low standards in what you want, can you think of half a dozen reasons that make him a great partner?
Or even three?

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:13:18

So, you have two children.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:13:53

That's exactly how I feel Tali! No he dosent he gets his mum to buy milk and nappies! He thinks I don't know but he leaves the receipts in the bags and it has her credit card as payment!

Cocklodger! Lover that haha

As you left him and only been back together month just say that you made a mistake in getting back together. It doesn't appear that he's changed at all since you last broke up.

Nomama Sun 06-Apr-14 13:15:43

Look Britney, he annoys you. Out he goes. He is living off you. He is a twonk. One sentence:

Sorry sweetheart, it ain't working. Out you go. Bye.

phantomnamechanger Sun 06-Apr-14 13:16:22

seriously - get rid asap before this becomes your "normal" and like loads of women on here you end up looking back in a few years wondering why on earth you put up with it so long. It does not sound like a healthy relationship. He appears to have no redeeming features. He is using you and expecting you to run around after him while he contributes nothing at all. He is disrespecting you and your home.

Nomama Sun 06-Apr-14 13:16:54

I really do appreciate that when I added the fullstops for emphasis that became 3 sentences... but it only dawned as I pressed the button blush

Blu Sun 06-Apr-14 13:17:02

You need to be clear and direct about separate two things;

1. When at your house he needs to respect your space and you. Behave like a civilised human being, pull his weight, do his share, contribute to the household. Have a serious conversation: tell him how it feels to be taken for granted and to be subjected to slobby ways on your own hoe and considered not to matter enough to be treated to common courtesy (e.g not be farted at)

2. That it is your space and sometimes you need your space. More so if he cannot understand and co-operate with 1.

Get all thoughts of being a 'bitch' out of your mind - these are more than reasonable requests. Don't have such negative views of yourself for wanting to be treated with a minimal amount of respect!

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 06-Apr-14 13:17:12

Give him the boot, even he grows up or stays like a little boy, either way, you can move on with your own life, without the emotional vampire dragging you down.

Dont be working hard for your law degree, and get a great career to have some twat riding on your coat tails.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:18:55

I'm so weak in RL though hmm

Ill say that then he'll start putting sad and depressing posts on Facebook! It's actually rather funny to see.

I have to leave though don't I. He's like the girl and I'm the guy In The relationship he's very needy and clingy too!

I'm really not selling him here am I lol

gymboywalton Sun 06-Apr-14 13:20:43

'he's like the girl and i'm like the guy' hmm
bit insulting to women don't you think?

relationships are supposed to be nice for the majority of the time you know? otherwise what's the point?

Goldmandra Sun 06-Apr-14 13:21:28

He thinks I'm having a go if I ask him to put the toilet seat down!

No he doesn't. He acts like he thinks you're having a go in order to prevent you from doing so again.

He has no respect for you.

You have three choices.

You can tell him to leave because he is bringing nothing to your relationship.

You can allow him to continue to bully you into letting him take advantage of you by deliberately over-reacting when you ask him to show some consideration and make a contribution.

You can start challenging his behaviour in a pleasant way, e,g. asking him to put the toilet seat down out of respect for you and your child, not some imaginary friend, and continue to do so in the face of his childish reactions in the hope that he will grow up a bit and become a worthwhile partner.

I would recommend the first.

The next time you think you need to make up a friend in order to get him to show some respect, ask yourself why that friend deserves more respect than you or your DC.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 06-Apr-14 13:21:58

Nope, you arent and hes using emotional blackmail to keep you in line, if he starts crying, he knows it works, so he'll keep doing it.

Hes laughing in his head at you.

gamerchick Sun 06-Apr-14 13:22:40

Wake him up and tell him you have company coming and he needs to go home for a bit.

Then ring him later on and tell him to stay there.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:23:29

Sorry Didn't mean to offend I mean by my past relationships. The guys would always take the lead and I liked that. But have to do that now and i find it hard work.

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:23:39

You are enabling his dependency and allowing yourself to be walked all over, so either keep the sulky brat you had sex with and understand that that's what he is, or dump him.
I'm hoping 'The Relationship' is a film reference, because otherwise no, girls are not moody, needy, parasitic and petulant.
Neither are boys decisive and independent. Those are stereotypes.

ilovesooty Sun 06-Apr-14 13:24:35

Just tell him he's a waste of your time and you can do better - on your own. I don't know why you're letting him manipulate you.

You need to develop some assertiveness and self respect by the sound of it.

MaryWestmacott Sun 06-Apr-14 13:24:39

If you want to be nice about it "look [cocklodger], we're still at the early stages of being back together, I just feel like you've moved back in like nothing's happened. Can we go back to you living at [his mums?] and we can date? You've been here 4days and it's too much like we're drifting into living together, and I'm not ready for that yet. Best you go back to [other living option]."

Keeps your options open if you're just feeling grumpy, make him realise he's still got to win you back. You can have a think about what you want from him and why you want him back.

I know a couple who dated but lived in separate homes for 20 years, this was mainly forced by the fact that they were both the resident parent in two divorced couples and it didn't work blending the two families for various reasons, but they found it really hard living together when they finally did, they were clearly better suited to dating with the occasional overnight than being a couple - both really need their own space and still holiday separately.

NMFP Sun 06-Apr-14 13:25:24

I suspect his mum is sending him over to you in the hope that he'll man up and be a dad to his child. If he was my son I'd be mortified.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 06-Apr-14 13:25:56

Why did you choose him in the first place.

ItsBritneyBitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:26:51

Have done that Gamerick! And will call him later too.

ilovesooty Sun 06-Apr-14 13:27:41

Coffee I was wondering. Perhaps he's great in bed or something.

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:27:52

If you've explained to him what you find hard to live with, in bullet points, then he has a choice. He knows what needs to change.
So he changes and grows up a bit, or he leaves.

But what's the betting you'll be around in a year, still complaining about the same behaviour from him?

Odaat Sun 06-Apr-14 13:33:52

Ok so he must be hung like a donkey...

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:37:42

And stunningly handsome, so she's thinking that she couldn't possibly do any better?
Come to thinkof it, I knew a lad who made a living out of being a gigalo. Looked good, fascinating conversationalist and thanks to his ladies, beautifully turned-out. Complete drone.

JuniperHeartwand Sun 06-Apr-14 13:38:18

You sound pretty young OP. Life's too short!

Get rid, concentrate on enjoying your mat leave and doing well in your degree.

honeythewitch Sun 06-Apr-14 13:39:02

I am confused about him "using your tea and milk"
What is he supposed to do? Bring his own?
If you begrudge him the odd PG tips after a week it's not looking good!

withextradinosaurs Sun 06-Apr-14 13:41:09

I think the point is he never replaces them.

GemmaPomPom Sun 06-Apr-14 13:41:38

Ok so he must be hung like a donkey…

Ha ha! Don't tell canny grin

Seriously, I would give him a chance. Sit him down, pour him a drink, be nice, tell him you want him to stay (if that is indeed what you want), then show him the list of House Rules. Keep it to about 10. Stick it on the fridge.

House Rules:
1. Toilet seat down always.
2. No public farting.
3. TV off at midnight….

Blah, blah… he'll probably just go running back to where he came from, though. But then would that be a bad thing?

Suzannewithaplan Sun 06-Apr-14 13:42:06

He is a parasite.

If you had a tapeworm would you feel sorry for it and let it live in your intestine?
If you had nits would you feel guilty about killing them with insecticide?

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:43:31

Honey, I have two adult children living at home, and the rule is that if you use up the last of something, you replace it.
If he's eating her food snd helping himself to drinks over a week, he ought to be buying stuff to replace what he's scoffing.

kotinka Sun 06-Apr-14 13:44:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob Sun 06-Apr-14 13:44:48

He is a loser.

Get rid.

sandiy Sun 06-Apr-14 13:49:05

Tell him he is risking your tenancy and cannot stay longer than 2 nights so he needs to leave as the landlord does spot checks.Or if you claim any benefits as a single person you are committing fraud I think by allowing him to essentially live with you.Either way show him the door.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 06-Apr-14 13:50:23

Sandi has a point, more than 4 days is considered as living with you, you could get in serious shit.

kotinka Sun 06-Apr-14 13:51:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Sun 06-Apr-14 13:52:52

Just tell him you're not interested in a relationship with someone who behaves like a child and when would he like to have contact with the baby and take said baby OUT or to his Mum's or wherever so you get a break?

ProlificPenguin Sun 06-Apr-14 13:53:32

How about telling him that you are off out and will drop him home on way?

Or go out and turn everything off, heating, ipad charger, lights etc take tea bags with you.

Goblinchild Sun 06-Apr-14 14:44:07

PP, he'd just turn everything on again and forage for something else to eat.
He's an adult, he'd probably be quite happy at being left alone to do as he pleases.

ItsBritneyBitch Mon 07-Apr-14 09:16:36

Thanks for all the replies. Even the funny one haha!

I didn't make up a friend I just asked him to leave he got his knickers in a twist about "how I don't want him there" but I stuck to my guns and said "you're right I don't want you here!"

He's coming round this morning so we can talk I've made a list of house rules and going to say he can only stay max 2 days a week!

Sallyingforth Mon 07-Apr-14 09:25:02

The way he behaves now is the way he has grown up to be.
He isn't going to change just because you have told him to.
Woman up and get rid of him.

Hoppinggreen Mon 07-Apr-14 09:39:00

Are claiming any benefits as a single parent? If so having him stay could cause you problems - quite aside from the problem of him being a useless waste of oxygen who is sponging off you.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Apr-14 09:39:24

You are still giving this manchild houseroom then ?

You are being taken for a mug

deakymom Mon 07-Apr-14 09:44:39

tell him its moving too fast and you need a bit of space? honestly you cant sub him for the rest of his life

Where does he live normally? Still with mummy?

I wouldn't give him a maximum number of nights, say no overnights. But if you want him to stay ask him to. Let yourself take charge, not him. Your home your rules. And until he is contributing he has no say.

Manchild, surprised he doesn't ask you to wipe his arse after his four shits a day.

Simile Mon 07-Apr-14 10:28:04

So is he going to come round, give you a sob story, point out your faults then settle himself on the sofa with his ipad (then fart just to add insult to injury)?

Good point made about your benefits. They will be affected is he stays. Well done for tackling this directly, just don't let a woe-is-me tale compromise what you want.

NoodleOodle Mon 07-Apr-14 12:48:17

Argh, I've just let my manchild cockodger gather his things and walk out. I borrowed money off a friend for milk, tea, and petrol, and haven't offered to buy the DP any beer. I can either sit here on my own, or text him to tell him I've bought him some beer (and not get petrol).

~sits by self~

~wonders why feel knot in stomach~

Cocklodger is a new one on me, will remember that one!

LisaMed Mon 07-Apr-14 12:53:36

NoodleOodle - hugs

Definitely don't get the beer.

You may have help if you start your own thread in Relationships where there are some really good people who have more sense and knowledge than I'll ever have.


MaryWestmacott Mon 07-Apr-14 13:18:43

Noodle - don't get the beer! Seriously, a man who loves you doesnt needs bribes. Get petrol to stop youself buying beer.

If you don't need the petrol, then give your friend the money back, did you say you were borrowing money to get beer for your cocklodger of a DP?

2rebecca Mon 07-Apr-14 13:22:40

It's not your job to make your boyfriend happy. If he chooses to have a sulk because you ask him to pull his weight that's his choice, he could choose to apologise and contribute to the household instead of being parasitic.
If my husband posted negative stuff about me on facebook in a passive aggressive way we wouldn't be together.
I'm surprised you want him over any nights a week. He needs to prioritise getting a job and being independent.
I'd be telling him that your house your rules re the toilet and asking him to bring stuff to contribute if he's coming round.
He sounds an emotional drag though so I'd probably just see less of him until he gets his act together.

Pipbin Mon 07-Apr-14 13:23:32

He won't change. Too many people have got stuck in toxic relationships like this. He might be the father of your children but that gives him no right to live in your house. What kind of a father is he being if he just lounging round the house smoking all day?

Kick him out. You've broken up with him before. Get rid. No compromise, no rules. Just show him the door.

gamerchick Mon 07-Apr-14 13:24:06

Noodle go use the money now in case you cave. Tell him to knob off angry

whois Mon 07-Apr-14 13:27:53

He sounds like a massive chav. Can't see why you'd put up with that. Sort your self respect out!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 07-Apr-14 14:27:43

LTB seriously, he's a cocklodger.

Bellwether Mon 07-Apr-14 14:57:45

You have a child with someone you call 'boyfriend' but you don't live with them or like them very much? Are you 15?

Pipbin Mon 07-Apr-14 15:41:00

You have a child with someone you call 'boyfriend' but you don't live with them or like them very much? Are you 15?

This^^ and also you are doing a law degree, you are clearly intelligent and motivated. Please, kick him out.

Crinkle77 Mon 07-Apr-14 15:52:38

Why is he staying with you? Does he have his own place to go back to?

pianodoodle Mon 07-Apr-14 16:10:43

You sound like you'd actually prefer to be on your own and cope very well. You'd probably cope even better without this guy hanging around being less than useless.

Once you decide you're doing the right thing try and steel yourself against any guilt trips.

pianodoodle Mon 07-Apr-14 16:12:56

You have a child with someone you call 'boyfriend' but you don't live with them or like them very much? Are you 15?

How helpful.... hmm

NoodleOodle Mon 07-Apr-14 16:22:11

Sorry to thread hijack ItsBritneyBitch:

The money lending friend knows where my money goes, and has said I can use it to buy DP beer if that'll make me happy and that they'll just send me some more for milk/petrol if necessary, but that's not the point really. Someone DP's also borrowed money off asked me yesterday if DP would still be with me if I didn't buy him beer/lend him money, and pointed out that I should want & expect him to. Which got me to thinking (though I should have been thinking a bit more a fair bit earlier - doh).

Bitten the bullet today I guess, not that he asked, I just haven't offered and he knows I have the money. I've got my answer eh? No, he won't stick around if I'm not buying him things.

I used to earn a lot more than him so didn't think anything of the division of expenses. Now it's the other way around and I'm poor (borrowing money to buy milk type poor), it's noticeable that DP is only here when I haven't run out of money...

I will not cave.

(I could start a thread in relationships but seeing as I think I probably don't have one now, or a real one at least, there seems little point.)

/thread hijack

kotinka Mon 07-Apr-14 16:33:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth Mon 07-Apr-14 17:52:53

noodle & Britney, you both deserve better

Absolutely, and here are your new partners, far more reliable and much less trouble.

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