Not being invited to a birthday party

(69 Posts)
fmpc Thu 03-Apr-14 16:45:14

This is my first post on mumsnet and not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not and the kids involved are 7 year olds in case that's relevant

Asked a mother this afternoon if her dc would come home after school with mine tomorrow for a playdate to be met with a look of confusion 'but it's X's birthday party tomorrow' surely my dc is going as well. This was the first I'd heard of it, so obviously not invited. The other mother then got a bit confused/embarrassed about it and said herself that it's supposed to be a football party out on the green in front of X's house. I just answered that sure X and my son aren't major friends anyway.

Now normally I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to all the birthday partys going. But the reason the other mother obviously felt awkward and that I'm a bit taken aback is that X and my dc are the only kids in their class living on our road and the green they're going to have the party on is right outside both our houses where all the kids play

So basically tomorrow my son is going to have to be kept in all afternoon and he'll be able to see why himself or if I let him outside which is where he always wants to be, he'll have full view of all his classmates playing together with the party and him being very obviously excluded

So whereas I don't expect all kids to be automatically be included I do think it's a bit much to basically rub my dc's nose in it

btw I'm not going to say anything to anyone but aibu ?

phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 16:49:50

In your shoes I would be asking yourself what could I possibly have done to piss my neighbour off so much that they were taking it out on me by not inviting my kid to a party.

Are you sure the invitation has not got lost in book bag? I which case you will be marked down as one of those dreadful people who do not reply!

Can you take DS out somewhere instead - the park or a soft play?

MOTU Thu 03-Apr-14 16:50:51

Presuming you son hadn't been systematically bullying the other child if say yanbu. Normally I think people are being a bit precious when their dc aren't invited to parties but in this case it should be obvious to the paren that this is thoughtless. Why don you take him somewhere lovely a a treat straight from school, maybe swimming and junk food tea?

MOTU Thu 03-Apr-14 16:52:04

Sorry for typos, iPhone typing while breast feeding wiggly baby!

ILoveWooly Thu 03-Apr-14 16:56:15

Your poor DS. I agree with the others, if it is at all possible I would take him out for an end of term treat after school.

ZenGardener Thu 03-Apr-14 16:58:01

I was also wondering if it was a case of a lost invitation.

Otherwise it seems very strange if you can think of no reason.

cakeymccakington Thu 03-Apr-14 16:58:57

are you SURE he wasn't invited?

invites do go missing sometimes, i've been on both sides of that

BackforGood Thu 03-Apr-14 16:59:37

Also assuming your ds gets on fine with the other child - I would suspect that the invitation has got lost somewhere en-route

fmpc Thu 03-Apr-14 18:05:46

All invites are done by texts to parents so no chance of it being lost

The two of them wouldn't really hang around with one another but there's being no fallout between them. X if anything looks down on my dc a bit as he's the older and bigger of the two.

Of all my dc, this particular kid is the gentlest and wouldn't hurt a fly and am pretty sure has done nothing to the other one. Also, X's mother has no hesitation in telling other parents when she isn't happy with their kids behaviour, so pretty sure I would have heard if mine had done anything he shouldn't

Wish I could bring him off tomorrow, but unfortunately had arranged to have friends over for my other kids, so have a houseful and can't really go off

I'd love to see the reaction if it was my kid having the party, but to be honest I wouldn't be able to do that to another kid

At least I know I'm nbu

TeaAndALemonTart Thu 03-Apr-14 18:23:54

Why will your son need to be kept in?

HazeltheMcWitch Thu 03-Apr-14 18:27:13

From your post, it sounds like you don't really get on with the birthday boy's mother - could this be the case ?

ramonaquimby Thu 03-Apr-14 18:27:14

but if the boys don't really hang out together, why would you expect your son to be invited? Shame it's in front of the houses - but there has to be a cut off at some point.

There seem to be lots of birthday invitation angst posts on MN - I don't remember any of this when my kids were younger! youngest is now 8.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 03-Apr-14 18:30:12

maybe you could pretend you did not know about the party and invite the bitrthday boy over to play and watch the mother squirm.

blanchedeveraux Thu 03-Apr-14 18:31:41

It's always a bit upsetting when you feel your DC has been excluded but I don't think anyone should feel compelled to invite children just out of social convention or for fear of offending the mother. Most times the DCs don't even bother about it, the parents get all angsty though.

I don't think this woman has really done anything wrong if I'm honest.

thebody Thu 03-Apr-14 18:33:13

well I wouldn't keep him in! he orobably won't be anywhere near as bothered as you op and I agree it is mean.

is there any other kid who hadn't been invited that you could ask round to play or a friends kid who doesn't go to the same school?

fuckwitteryhasform Thu 03-Apr-14 18:33:58

I think you should tell ur friend what has happened and arrange to go out as its not very nice for your son otherwise

HolidayCriminal Thu 03-Apr-14 19:06:07

I think I'd be planning to go out instead, all that afternoon.

fmpc Thu 03-Apr-14 19:08:47

Actually do get on with the mother, our older kids are friends, my point was that if my kid had done anything to hers, she would have no hesitation in telling me.

Reason he would have to be kept in, is that the party will end up taking over more or less the whole green and that is where my dc would go to play. There is nowhere else for him to play

I know he would want to join in the fun. In the past when he's had friends over he has always invited X to join them (which he does) however, when X has friends over he would normally tell my kid to go away, that he's the one with the friend today, so am pretty sure he'd chase my son away and to be honest I don't want my son hanging around a party which he hasn't been invited to

I actually don't expect my son to be invited to every party, it's just that I feel that this is rubbing his nose in it. All his friends will be right outside our house playing and he will be very obviously excluded. I just wouldn't do it to another kid

Anyway, nice to know that some people don't think I'm being unreasonable, Thanks

fmpc Thu 03-Apr-14 19:10:20

and unfortunately can't go out as my older kids all have friends coming over and haven't got that big a car

CeliaFate Thu 03-Apr-14 19:21:01

I would, in this instance, ask the mother why he's not invited in case he's done something to upset her dc and it's not just her being a bitch.

Perfectly politely, "Oh hi, I gather it's X's party tomorrow. As ds isn't invited, I hope it's nothing he's done to offend you?"

And see what she says.

alseb Thu 03-Apr-14 19:22:59

I would try to cancel the friends coming over for your older children and go out as a family before the party. I have had experience of this before, my heart was aching for my daughter in similar circumstances. I accept that not every child can go to every party but I really feel for you. Do not let them see your son in the house. Go out and give him a treat.

BarbarianMum Thu 03-Apr-14 19:24:48

I don't think it's usual to invite a child to a party just because they live on the same road, and you've said yourself that they are not really friends. Just explain the situation to your ds.

thebody Thu 03-Apr-14 19:25:03

agree op it's nasty and can't imagine any nice mum doing this

phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 19:28:29

If the party is on shared public ground, they can't stop others wanting to use it. Surely there are other kiddies in the street who are not invited, who will want to be playing out on the grass or riding bikes around if the weather is nice? Your son has every right to be out there. But if he will be devastated by knowing there is a party and he was not invited, it's hard to know what to do. I assume there are others in his class not going, he is not the only one left out?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 03-Apr-14 19:29:06

I don't see why kids who don't usually get together or are not really friends are then expected to be invited to parties. It just happens to be on your street. Im sure the mum is hardly thinking 'let me rub her nose in it'. She probably isn't thinking of you at all. Yabu

BasketzatDawn Thu 03-Apr-14 19:31:01

In a similar situation at similar age, my boys wouldn't have been kept in and away from a communal play area and would have joined in at the party, if they'd wanted to. grin

The neighbour can't monopolise the communal green anyway. Just let your Dc have a nice tea after school and let them then play wherever they want. By all means remind him X is having a party, but what else can you do? Boys tend to need a run around after being cooped up all day in school. wink

blanchedeveraux Thu 03-Apr-14 19:31:55 wonder loads of young adults these days can't cope with not getting their own road 100% of the's one daft party, the other Mum isn't "nasty" or "not nice" for failing to invite this child, she can do whatever she likes. Unbelieveable.

phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 19:33:39

if your neighbour is on here, this is probably very identifiable to her OP

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 19:38:20

I think you are over reacting and thinking too much about it. Your son has friends over that day anyway and I'm sure you can just organise a few treats for him to make the day extra special. Can't see what the big deal is. I'm sure there will be other children (even if its just one or two kids) not attending the party.

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 19:40:20

Why would you keep your child in? It's just a party on the common.

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 19:41:58

Why will the party take over the whole green?

giveadogabonio Thu 03-Apr-14 20:00:07

Pray for rain grin

Skylander1 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:53:42

Yanbu but I wouldn't confront, in a few days it will all be forgotten

OlyRoller Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:07

Did he go to his party last year?

mameulah Thu 03-Apr-14 20:59:35

YADNBU. That is horrible. But look at it this way, it is a great opportunity to teach your DS about feelings and being fair and coping when something crap happens. Not what you would have wanted I know but part of how tough life can be I suppose.

rowna Thu 03-Apr-14 21:00:18

I don't invite my next door but one's dc to my dd's party because my dd doesn't play with her at school and they don't like each other much. Just because you live in the same road, doesn't mean they should invite you.

I'd just show some diplomacy and not have my dc playing on the green that day.

MrsAtticus Thu 03-Apr-14 21:04:47

Sounds like the kid whos party it is isn't all that nice, and maybe asked his mum not to invite your son?
One way or another you'll just have to provide a distraction I think.

Floralnomad Thu 03-Apr-14 21:10:58

Just tell your son that X is having his party and if he is going to play out not to interfere with the party people ,he is 7 not 4 so that should be easy to comprehend . She cannot monopolise a public area so why would you keep your son away . My children are older ,but is it really the norm to not send out invites ? When mine were smaller I hardly knew anyone's phone number . It sounds more like an informal birthday tea rather than an actual party .

SaucyJack Thu 03-Apr-14 21:18:16

I think you're over-thinking your involvement in this one tbh. I'm sure she planned her son's party with the kids he wanted to invite, doing what he wanted to do. I doubt she wanted to rub his nose in anything.

Helltotheno Thu 03-Apr-14 21:33:51

In the range of possible emotions you may have, I can sort of see that upset might be one of them, but in all honesty, and I mean this in a nice way, YAB a little U.

This is just a party OP. In all other aspects, doesn't your son have a great life by virtue of what he was born into? Doesn't he have a lovely family and his health and access to education, food etc?

Yes that was majorly preachy, sorry Also, your children won't always be invited to things. As adults, they will sting over being left out of things now and again thru no ostensible fault of their own. Life is like that.

I honestly think if you don't make a big deal, he won't make a big deal. How about just buying some treats in for the kids in your house? Also, as others have said, nobody owns the common. He has a right to play on that, party or not. Why not just take it as it comes and if he goes out, tell him he has to come in when they go cos he's not invited to the party.

He won't carry this round for years, honest smile

takeiteasybuttakeit Thu 03-Apr-14 22:20:17

>all his classmates

Really? All of them? Are you sure?

paddyclampo Thu 03-Apr-14 22:54:04

If this was a small party eg friends invited for tea or sleepover then I would have said yabu but this is different. A football party on the green suggests a large number of people will be coming and to have it in front of your house just adds insult to injury.

It's the tactlessness of this other mum that would stick in my throat, and I'd be tempted to make some sort of comment like " I realise that DS isn't invited to the party but I hope you don't mind him playing on the green". YANBU

mameulah Thu 03-Apr-14 22:58:24

I am not sure but I don't think I would stop him playing on the green.

You have other children and their friends over at the same time as this party... simple then - let them all go and play on the green and take over the party smile Its public ground, a big fat "fuck 'um" as they are being so bloody mean! grin

Elderflowergranita Thu 03-Apr-14 23:03:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel hurt and upset for your Ds about the party.

Similar things have happened to me with one of my children.

It's rubbish, and I feel your pain.

Are you in Ireland by the way? Your turn of phrase sounds hugely familiar and comforting to me!

You and Ds will survive this day, but it's not nice, not nice at all, and I would never behave as this mum has done.

Elderflowergranita Thu 03-Apr-14 23:04:31

Agree with babydubs solution!

coffeehouse Thu 03-Apr-14 23:05:33

I would personally wish to make the other mother feel as awkward as possible...i would set up picnic on the green with all the friends you have coming over, invite more too! I would be out there before them.
Start your own games out there and have a fun noisy time. Dont hide in the house.

Beamur Thu 03-Apr-14 23:06:26

Well, when it was my DD's 7th party, I asked who she wanted to invite and suggested a few activities. But the guests were her own choice.
In your position I think I'd feel a bit stung, but wouldn't make any sort of comment or issue about this. It's unfortunate that the party is more or less outside your house and your DS isn't going.
If he sees the party and asks to join in, I'd nip out and ask if he can come and join the game, and if thats ok, make sure he knows that food/cake/party bags are for the invited guests only. Or he might be busy indoors with the other guests you're having and not notice.
I'd agree with the poster who said if you don't make this a big deal, then perhaps your DS won't feel it that way either.

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 23:07:24

So mature coffee

Aeroflotgirl Thu 03-Apr-14 23:11:52

Exactly tge mother cannot monopolise the communal ground for the party. I would send him out to play, party mum will be too embarrassed and include him.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 03-Apr-14 23:13:22

This is why my DC's birthday parties have always been "everyone or two close friends".

The potential to cause unintended offence and/or hurt is just too great.

takeiteasybuttakeit Thu 03-Apr-14 23:56:53

I think absolutely no way should she ask if her ds can join in. He hasn't been invited so unfortunately he isn't wanted there. That's a little upsetting of course, but it will be worse if he is encouraged by the OP to join in. OP - can't you see about rearranging the playdate for your other dcs and just go out? It is very sad to think of your ds in the house while his friends are outside

greenfolder Fri 04-Apr-14 02:15:40

Don't get it.

If the "party" is a few kids kicking a ball around on a public green surely anyone can join in?

Strandy Fri 04-Apr-14 04:36:02

YANBU I totally agree with you. I don't have dc of that age group yet but I think from how you describe the overall situation, this mother should have far more insight than to exclude a child that lives very close by, regardless of if the two children are best friends or not. It's impolite, un-neighbourly and exclusive.

I recall an incident when I was 8 years old where my friend and her sister excluded me from a Hallow'een party in their house, just to be nasty. I was so upset and came home from school telling my mum that I had nowhere to celebrate Hallow'een this year - a very big deal in Ireland! My mum got straight on the phone to my friend's mum to sort it out. The other mother immediately gave out to her kids for excluding me and within 15 minutes I was at the party, joining in, drama over.

You will probably just have to deal with the afternoon ahead and try to distract your ds while the others play but you should definitely approach her in the next few days and say 'So how did the party go? X would have loved to have gone - I hope he hasn't done anything to bother Y recently?' I would say something like that with a big disarming smile on my face.

ProudAS Fri 04-Apr-14 06:54:29

OP - your DS has as much right to play on the village green as the party children. Take your housefull of kids (preferably before the party starts) and start playing!

Nerf Fri 04-Apr-14 07:08:24

Absolute over reaction on here. Other mother being totally slated for daring to have a party by her house for her ds and not inviting a kid who doesn't get on with hers. Organised football parties can have about ten children and you have to choose a large area to hold it if your garden isn't big enough - why should she go to the expense of a hall or drive a load of kids somewhere else? She's probably doing food at hers afterwards.

I'm vehemently with coffee house. It's a public area. You have kids over. Why should you stay in if this is usual outside space and why should you skulk around like a tramp at a posh restaurants window?!?!

Get a blanket get fun food and get playing!

PaulinesPen Fri 04-Apr-14 10:33:38

Yanbu. She's quite entitled to do it blah blah but it's plain mean.

PatButchersEarring Fri 04-Apr-14 11:30:17

Urrmm..maybe she didn't bother to formally invite your DS as it's a casual kind of thing and she just assumed he'd probably be out there playing and join in anyway if he was around?

Jesus- the potential for offending mums is just rampant. It's exhausting. I cannot be doing with it.

PurpleSwift Fri 04-Apr-14 11:46:59

is it in a public place? surely he can just go play?

DeWe Fri 04-Apr-14 12:21:44

I think going and asking (or worse sending him over to ask) to join would have potential for being much worse though. I'd guess they will go back to hers for food, and then your ds will be left outside-even if she invites him in she may have no party bag.

Fine let him have a friend over, fine, if he wants to go and play on the green with a friend if that is what he usually does when a friend comes over, but don't try and push him in to make a point.

Ilovexmastime Fri 04-Apr-14 12:24:25

I can see why you're upset, but I would try not to make too much of a big deal of it if you don't want to upset your DS. I certainly wouldn't keep him indoors because of it. Let him choose whether or not he wants to play outside. It sounds like you're going to have a houseful anyway, so maybe your DS won't care that he wasn't invited? Just chuck the whole lot outside to play, maybe they'll all join in with the football party?

Beamur Fri 04-Apr-14 21:12:56

As it's in a public area he could just go along anyway, I suppose what I'd do is smile, have a friendly chat with the Mum and simply say 'is it ok to join in with the kickabout?' I don't see it as such a big deal really.

MistressDeeCee Fri 04-Apr-14 21:49:44

He's just not going to be invited everywhere. Thats life. Take him somewhere really nice even if its just for a couple of hours so that if some children are talking about what a nice time they had, he can then talk about something nice he's done. I mean he doesn't have to stay in and gaze across the road just because another child's having a party there, does he?!

ILoveWooly Sat 05-Apr-14 01:34:49

Hope this afternoon went well OP.

MexicanSpringtime Sat 05-Apr-14 01:57:29

I don't think you are exaggerating, but probably best if your son sees you treating this as the most normal thing in the world which, in effect, it is. If he catches a whiff that you think it is terrible, he will think it is terrible too.
Children are learning about the world through us, and the fact of the matter is these things happen and we have to learn to take them in our stride.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 05-Apr-14 02:05:06

I'm wondering if it's possible the boy's mother didn't feel the need to invite your DS when he was right on the doorstep? Maybe she just assumed he's be around? invites by text sound like it's very casual.

tznett Sun 06-Apr-14 20:33:47

> All invites are done by texts to parents so no chance of it being lost

Wrong numbers do happen, so don't discount this possibility.

thefruitwhisperer Sun 06-Apr-14 21:13:30

Once, when I was 9 all my friends were invited to a birthday party at another friends house. I wasn't invited but my best friend was. She was staying at our house so I went to collect her from the party with my Mum.

And you know what, I didn't give 2 shits. I am sure your DS will be just fine. #sings like Elsa# Let it go.

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