To be annoyed at DH?

(42 Posts)
DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 16:00:59

DH has just started a new job. He does have a training period and some exams to do, so he is under a bit of pressure. In general though, he finishes work around 2-3pm.

Am I wrong to be annoyed that he has gone to the pub every single day for the past fortnight after finishing work? I mean, I know he needs to bond with his new workmates and his job can be stressful. But every night? He gets home around 5-6pm after the pub, and DS (10 months) goes to bed at 7, so he hasn't been spending a lot of time with him in the week. Surely after work he'd want to come home and spend some time with his wife and son? (I'm a SAHM).

Maybe I'm just being the nagging wife. I wouldn't begrudge him going to the pub a couple of nights a week, but to me every night seems a bit excessive. (He doesn't get drunk or anything by the way). Just rang him to ask him to pick up milk and he is there again. Grrr.


phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 16:03:29

YANBU I would not be impressed either. Sounds like he is taking the piss a bit TBH.
As you say, a couple of times a week is more than enough - how often do YOU get to go out on your own without baby?

phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 16:05:08

Is your relationship otherwise in good shape? Is it your first baby and has he found it hard to adapt to fatherhood? Is he avoiding what he perceives to be aggro at home? Does he do his share at weekends?

blahblahblah2014 Thu 03-Apr-14 16:05:30

You sound like you are being far to reasonable to me - I would not be happy with this. Ask him outright why he doesn't want to come home to see you when he finishes and maybe agree to a day or 2 a week where he socialises?


That is all.

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 16:12:01

He has drunk alcohol every single day for a fortnight?


YANBU. He sounds like a pisshead tbh. And a very neglectful husband and father.

emuloc Thu 03-Apr-14 16:13:37

Maybe you should take it in turns to go out. You work out the days between yourselves.

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 16:15:58

phantom I don't really go out a lot, maybe once a month. Saturdays are our "family day" where we have days out with DS, but it is usually me who gets up with him in the morning etc.

Glad I'm not BU. It's annoying me.

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 16:16:50

AskBasil he hasn't on the weekends, if that makes a difference! (Doesn't to me).

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 16:21:10

If it doesn't make a difference to you DPD, then it doesn't make a difference.

YANB the nagging wife. The nagging wife is a misogynist invention by men, to silence women's legitimate complaints. Women don't want to be her, so they shut up. But you really do have the right to complain, YANBU.

emuloc Thu 03-Apr-14 16:34:44

OP I would just say he is not rolling in every night at 11pm is he? And you say you get up in the morning with your baby. Well so what, so do lots of other women. The issue here is how many times a week he is in the pub. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 16:35:07

Thank you. Guess we'll be having a conversation when he gets in.

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 16:45:04

emuloc No, that's why I was wondering if I was BU. But I will be having a talk with him later.

daisychain01 Thu 03-Apr-14 17:40:50

DPD YADNBU your DH is for expecting you to put up with him frequenting the pub more than he frequents his own home during non-work hours!

<note to self -memorise the bit about nagging wife being a misogynist invention by men, to silence women's legitimate complaints so I can trot it out on a regular basis> nice one basil!

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 20:03:23

grin You're welcome Daisychain!

deakymom Thu 03-Apr-14 20:22:42

go out do not be there when he rolls in wait for him to call you to find you and tell him i will be back for tea what are you cooking grin

problem is you're always there enabling the behaviour

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 21:03:53

Well, he was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. I'm very pissed off to be honest.

Jolleigh Thu 03-Apr-14 22:00:21

What has he said about it OP? If my DP went to the pub every day after work I'd be quite livid.

DiePeppaDie Thu 03-Apr-14 22:34:48

He said that he is just getting to know his work mates, that today somebody offered to buy him a drink and he didn't want to say no. hmm All the while feeding DS bits of cookie when he knew I was getting his dinner ready.


NoodleOodle Thu 03-Apr-14 22:41:29

When you kiss him goodbye in the morning, tell him you're going out at three that afternoon, so you'll see him back at home at ten to, to do hand over of DC.

Jolleigh Thu 03-Apr-14 22:42:11

LTB wink

In all seriousness, going to the pub every single night goes beyond getting to know his work mates. How are his work mates out every night?! Who precisely is he working with if he's managed to find a group of people whose OHs are all ok with it?

violetlights Thu 03-Apr-14 22:53:39

YANBU. angry Tell him to get home early and you go out for the rest of the afternoon / evening. The sod.

DiePeppaDie Fri 04-Apr-14 16:31:07

He's done it again. I'm beyond pissed off now.

I don't know if his workmates have OHs or not, but surely some of them must have. He can't be the only one!

minibmw2010 Fri 04-Apr-14 16:37:34

Is he genuinely going to go every day just because people ask him? Just because he's asked does not mean he HAS to go every day.

OnlyLovers Fri 04-Apr-14 16:40:23

He's taking the piss. I agree with Noodle.

myroomisatip Fri 04-Apr-14 16:51:36

Any of his workmates female?

DiePeppaDie Fri 04-Apr-14 16:52:50

I'm not even bothered about having some time off myself. What bothers me is that he's at the pub instead of spending time with DS.

DiePeppaDie Fri 04-Apr-14 16:55:45

myroom - I think there is one. He is in a very male oriented job (engineering). I have no doubt that he is in the pub, I've heard the background noise when I rang. I don't know if the female colleague is there or not.

Linguini Fri 04-Apr-14 16:56:17

The best advice is to make arrangements at the time you would expect him home (after work, not drinking) and explain he needs to be back 10-to, to take care of his child!

Did he drink daily before he started this new job? This won't stop unless u nip in in the bud early on. He's totally avoiding his fatherly responsibilities.

MamaPain Fri 04-Apr-14 16:56:55

2-3pm is quite early as a finish. What I expect is that his workmates have partners who work so don't have any issue with someone getting him at 5-6pm.

I think you should try saying OK as its the first few weeks but you will not be accepting it this much in future. I'd also start making appointments so that he needs to be home as it sounds like he's never said no and is just getting into the habit. Break the cycle.

Jolleigh Fri 04-Apr-14 17:04:50

He's done it again after you spoke to him? I don't see how that could be anything other than him taking the piss royally.

Don't be there when he strolls in and don't leave a note. Go and make an afternoon of something with your DC.

I don't think I've ever known a single person who's gone to the pub after work every single day for weeks.

myroomisatip Fri 04-Apr-14 17:05:31

Do you know which pub? Is it far? Could you possibly go and wait in the car park and see who he leaves with?

Sorry. But I have read so much on MN I am very cynical these days.

IME it is totally unnecessary to 'get to know' colleagues outside of working hours, especially two weeks running. He is taking the piss and possibly/probably lying.

DiePeppaDie Fri 04-Apr-14 17:12:52

I think I know the pub, he has pointed it out before. It's about a 20 minute walk. I'm giving DS tea at the moment. The annoying thing is, by the time he gets in its usually DS bath time.

I've got a play date with a friend and our DCs tomorrow. Won't be asking him along at this rate. Mind you, he probably wouldn't be bothered these days.

Jolleigh Fri 04-Apr-14 18:52:08

You say he's not out late...if he's finished by 2 or 3 and isn't back until you bathe your DC, he's spending a good few hours at the pub each night. Does he actually see your DC?! I'm really quite angry on your behalf OP.

Tryingtobetidy Fri 04-Apr-14 18:55:04

He obviously thinks the pub is better than spending time with his DS sad

DiePeppaDie Fri 04-Apr-14 19:05:08

He's not back yet. Asked him what time he would be back and he said "I'm not sure".

DS in bed. Gonna have a large glass of wine and a soak in the bath. sad

What would you all do?

minibmw2010 Fri 04-Apr-14 19:08:00

I would just ask him how long he intends to continue going to the pub every evening while neglecting his partner/wife and child because you're v unimpressed. And then wait for him to speak ...

Tryingtobetidy Fri 04-Apr-14 19:17:23

I would tell him to marry the bloody pub

LittleDonkeyKong Fri 04-Apr-14 19:37:47

I wouldn't even be talking to him. I would stop mentioning it and stop suggesting doing "family Saturdays" and see how long it takes him to figure out what a complete arse he is being and step up to the plate and act like a grown up.

Jolleigh Fri 04-Apr-14 21:28:46

I have to say, I wouldn't be offering any kind of alternative family time either. If it were me I'd either have it out with him properly and ask what the fuck he's playing at (and how much of the disposable budget he's spending) or I'd ensure I was out every evening when he finally chose to come home (maybe stay with friends/parents for a week?)

Or, option 3, call him back and tell him not to bother coming home as he's proven for the last 2 weeks that he doesn't want to be there.

MichaelaS Fri 04-Apr-14 21:57:57

Or turn up at the pub at 3.30, hand over the baby and the changing bag and tell him (loudly and in front of his new colleagues) that as you have done late afternoons / early evenings for the past x weeks tonight it is his turn, you will be home 15 minutes before baby's bedtime.

Then leave.

ChasedByBees Fri 04-Apr-14 22:04:00

I would find a way to shock him out if his complacency.

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