To think DH is being a d*ck re Mothers Day

(49 Posts)
ninipops Tue 25-Mar-14 20:01:28

For the last 4 yrs, since DD1 was born, DH has made a big deal in the run up to Mothers Day about how he hates "made up" holidays eg Mothers & Fathers Day. I know some people aren't bothered but he's never asked me if I care - obviously I do - so it kinda takes all the good out of the supermarket chocs & flowers he forces himself to buy. He has no problem accepting father' s day gifts tho.

I know in the big scheme of things its not that important so let me have it!

Fairenuff Tue 25-Mar-14 20:04:38

Well one glaringly obvious solution is to tell him how you feel about it and explain that, whilst it might not be important to him, it is to you and you would like him to respect that.

lifelorn Tue 25-Mar-14 20:09:45

I too hate the commercialisation of Mothering Sunday. What I requested when my children were young was a home made card from each of them and a day when I didn't have to go into the kitchen. We never went out for meals (they are always a disappointment on 'special' days). It was soo nice just to have a day off. When the children were older they sometimes bought me some daffodils but always the week before as prices and quality were better.

So agree with DH I am sure he will enjoy catering for an entire day!!

GertTheFlirt Tue 25-Mar-14 20:12:35

I dont need a day to tell me my family love me. We work together in the house, we all always have. It wouldnt really make an iota of difference if the children of DH cooked - they always have. I'd rather have mutual respect and the pulling of weight 365 than on high days and holidays

JimmyCorkhill Tue 25-Mar-14 20:15:20

I always make a big effort for Father's Day and do feel disappointment when I get the token gesture on Mother's Day. I am reading a book at the moment called Mindset by Carol Dweck and she has an example like yours but about birthdays. The female (after years of disappointment) actually tells her DH that she would appreciate him putting some thought and effort into her birthday and it works! It made me realise how I silently fume each year but I've never told him I'm upset with my supermarket novel and card which DD has not even seen before I've opened it.
So today I told him it woud mean the world to me if he could work with DD to make me something for Mother's Day. Fingers crossed!
The way she did it in the book was not to be confrontational but to say it like I did eg. it would mean a great deal to me if...

FabBakerGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 20:15:47

If he moans again about the day DO NOT get him anything for Father's Day. He either likes to celebrate or he doesn't. Idiot.

clam Tue 25-Mar-14 20:22:44

Well, actually, Mother's Day is not a "made-up" day. It's Mothering Sunday, which is on the Church calendar. He's right about Father's Day however! wink

Made up holidays - as opposed to... what? If he's suggesting that Christmas and Easter are 'real', for example, then Mothering Sunday is too, it being in the church calendar.

Father's Day, on the other hand...

WorraLiberty Tue 25-Mar-14 20:25:17

Why is he buying you anything for Mother's Day?

Surely he'd just supervise your child making a card?

CocktailQueen Tue 25-Mar-14 20:30:33

Mothering Sunday us actually a very old holiday - when people left school at 14 and went into service in houses or to work on farms a long way from home, Mothering Sunday was a day off when they would get to go back home and see their families! So your dh is being ignorant as well as grumpy.

However, Father's Day is a made up holiday ...

But either way, if he doesn't 'believe' in one, he shouldn't get pressies for fathes day either!!

givemeaclue Tue 25-Mar-14 20:34:01

Fine, book yourself a lovely day off by yourself on Sunday tell him he is on childcare.

ninipops Tue 25-Mar-14 20:57:58

Giveme - I did think of that & had an offer of an extension to a course I've been doing for a knock down price on mothers day & when I checked with him (hoping he would have something planned) the response I got was "I was hoping to watch the football". So I'm pissed off with him cause it looks like business as usual and pissed off with myself for not telling him I'm pissed off.

Famzilla Tue 25-Mar-14 21:08:33

I kinda agree with him tbh. Pile of crap in my opinion. However I wouldn't happily accept gifts from DH then either, I'm not his mother.

When DC's are a bit older I will obviously be very thankful for the cards they make in school or whatever, but I won't be doing anything on the day just because someone else says I should.

BornFreeButinChains Tue 25-Mar-14 21:10:00

Its very joyless isnt it.

It isnt about HIM and how he feels about it, he isnt hte mother, if he wants to express his opinion on fathers day fine.

Very selfish, I know someone like this, it gets me down TBH

BornFreeButinChains Tue 25-Mar-14 21:11:33

This really touches a nerve with me, if my DH was really hoping to get some sort of recognition on FD, if it was important to him I would feel so dis respectful for totally side lining him and just doing my own thing.

its so rude.

TheGreatHunt Tue 25-Mar-14 21:17:05

Just tell him that it matters to you. You can't complain if he doesn't know.

givemeaclue Tue 25-Mar-14 21:29:41

Just say, I am going out. It is mothers day. Who cares whether he was planning to watch football

PuppyMonkey Wed 26-Mar-14 07:47:34

My DP is a bit grumpy about commercialised holidays - especially hates Valentine's. But even he will make sure I have a lie-in on Mother's/Mothers' Day and supervise kids doing a card. He's also invited his mum round on Sunday (my mum passed away last year) and is cooking us a stew and taking us to the pub. I'll do the same for him on Father's Day. It's nice to do something nice so why not?

MagnaCharge Wed 26-Mar-14 07:57:28

I totally agree with your DH. Absolutely stupid commercial card shop holiday. I accept a hand made card from the children if they have made one at school but have an absolute ban on shop bought cards and presents.
Yes I know Mothering Sunday is a church event but seeing as a) I am not religious and b) it is to do with visiting your home church/cathedral and bugger all to do with actual mothers; I have nothing to do with it.

Pagwatch Wed 26-Mar-14 07:58:05

But the problem isn't Mother's Day is it?
You say to him that there is something in particular that you would like to do and be says 'but I want to watch the football'
And then you fume and say nothing.
Why is that?

Why would you do that.
Why would you not just say 'don't be daft. This is something I really want to do. Why are you blathering on about football - you can watch the football next week.
And why, in 4 years, have you not simply said 'actually I think the idea of Mother's Day is nice and it would mean a lot to me to get a card of a flower or something from the children - just like you get on fathers day'

Why is that?

Sirzy Wed 26-Mar-14 08:00:50

If you know he doesn't like Father's Day why do you waste time and money buying him something?

MagnaCharge Wed 26-Mar-14 08:01:15

I also find it quite amusing that on MN adults celebrating their own birthdays is frowned upon; yet mothers must be spoilt with presents and special outings on this irrelevant (to most people) Christian celebration.

Pagwatch Wed 26-Mar-14 08:02:28

It doesn't really matter if other people don't like Mother's Day . The op does.

I get presents and a breakfast in bed or some such . I like it. It's another chance to teach children to be kind and consider others .
DH is away this week. Dd has ready made him help her get her 'treat ' ready . It's thoughtful of her so all good.

OwlCapone Wed 26-Mar-14 08:03:02

He isn't your mother.

As a lone parent, I simply shut my children in a room with a supply of blank cards and craft materials and get them to make me cards.

OwlCapone Wed 26-Mar-14 08:03:41

Your problem clearly isn't about Mothering Sunday at all.

Pagwatch Wed 26-Mar-14 08:06:19

Actually Magna my experience of mn is that women wanting a present or card for Mother's Day or their birthday or Christmas makes them pathetic and cheerfully flogging yourself with a dishcloth is the only acceptable reaction to any event where one could remotely expectyour partner or children be nice to you.

picnicbasketcase Wed 26-Mar-14 08:07:42

What Pagwstch said - it's important to you, you'd like him to acknowledge that in a non churlish way and you need to tell him. Otherwise you've got years ahead of feeling like shit every Mother's Day wishing someone would show that they appreciate you instead of ignoring it and watching football.
Also, he's a dickheaded hypocrite if he sees nothing wrong with accepting cards and presents on Father's Day but when it comes to making an effort for you, it's suddenly a made up holiday. Thoughtless.

Two way street - run up to Fathers Day, he gets the same arguments back and a thoughtless gift with you doing someting you want to balance out his (hoping to watch football).

Trouble is, he'll like that. If he's being honest about 'fake holidays;.

Fairenuff Wed 26-Mar-14 08:13:19

What is he like about other occasions where he has to put someone else before him?

If you want anything to change you must ensure that there is no football watching on Sunday. If you want to continue like this then let him get on with pleasing himself as usual.

Why don't you talk to him and tell him how you feel?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Wed 26-Mar-14 08:15:54

If he bitches again, then dont do anything for Fathers day, even likes it or he dont.

CommanderShepard Congrats on the spectacular name........

I Should go!

Simplesusan Wed 26-Mar-14 08:16:01

I think the problem is about the lack of appreciation your dh shows towards you full stop.

He takes for granted that he can do exactly as he pleases and you will conform and continue to do all the crappy ,housework. His excuse is that Mother's Day is made up.

The problem you have is that someone has to care for you dd and he gladly piles that onto you.

I understand exactly where you are coming from as I had a dh like yours, he is now my exh.

It is all very well posters saying do what you want to do but you then feel guilt over your dd.

I think the problem runs so much deeper I that you dh doesn't pull his weight and you are caught in the trap of wife doing all the crap.

Spoil yourself and go out with dd.

Make sure too that he gets nothing from you on Father's Day as it is after all "a made up day".

Sorry for you op.

bleedingheart Wed 26-Mar-14 08:17:01

Oh Pagwatch! Thank you! you have said exactly what I was thinking.

How much effort is it for him to STFU about made-up events and just buy a bloody card and present and give it without an agenda? If you know something will make your partner happy and it costs you very little financially or emotionally, why wouldn't you do it? I don't get it.

Simplesusan Wed 26-Mar-14 08:21:00

Btw all I ever wanted on Mother's Day was for someone else to cook the meals and do the washing up and make me a cuppa. I didn't care about bought cards and gifts.

After 20 years only once did dh make the first coffees.

Is it too much to ask that for one day a mother gets a bloody day off.

This year I am away with friends and then dcs are "specter toy" planning something with my mum.

So much better now that he has gone.

SelectAUserName Wed 26-Mar-14 08:21:18

The issue isn't whether there's a right or a wrong side to liking Mother's Day, or what other MNers do or think. The issue is firstly lack of communication - have you told him, in a non-confrontational, non-whiny way that MD is important to you and you would appreciate a little bit of consideration? And if not, why not?

If you have had that conversation and he is still being a dick, or you have that conversation in the future and he continues to be a dick then you have a bigger problem, because then it isn't a case of simply having differing opinions about a particular holiday; it's about you expressing a not-unreasonable wish to have Mother's Day - one day out of 365 - the way you would like it to be, which will require a small but not ridiculously onerous amount of time, thought and care on his part, and him disregarding your not-unreasonable wish because of - what? Laziness? Lack of respect? Not wanting his routine to be interrupted? Whatever the reason - and it can't be a burning principle against commercialisation, since he's happy to accept Father's Day presents - it's symptomatic of a bigger issue.

But you need to have that rational conversation first, where you explain to him what you would like to happen, and take it from there depending on his reaction.

Simplesusan Wed 26-Mar-14 08:22:08

That should be "secretly planning"!!!!

OwlCapone Wed 26-Mar-14 08:29:23

Oh, I loved the enigmatic Spectre Toy planning smile

ProfessorSkullyMental Wed 26-Mar-14 08:31:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fusedog Wed 26-Mar-14 08:43:26

Op so is mine when is asked about Mother's Day

he replied your not my mother

I'd be really annoyed. I don't want much for MD, I never do. I want a photo of dh with my 2 sons (same gift every year) for just me, and a nice meal cooked for me. I've also added the caveat of his mother not coming around, as she's spent md with him for the last 7 years, and this will be my third md. I want some acknowledgement too sometimes!

OwlCapone Wed 26-Mar-14 08:53:01

why do people always trot out "he's not your mother" ?

It's really quite obvious, it's because he isn't. HTH.

Like I say, my children get shut in a room with craft stuff. Far more meaningful than some commercial crap bought by a reluctant father.

Pagwatch Wed 26-Mar-14 08:58:17

No. I'm afraid the 'he's not your mother' line actually is a pile of shit.

We teach our children kindness and we facilitate the ways in which they can demonstrate that .
He is their father. Until they are big enough to independently recognise the date and organise the way in which they chose to acknowledge it, it is his job to help, assist and manage.

So if they are to be shut in a room with card making crap then he organises that. He talks to them, checks its what they want to do and helps them hide it.

bleedingheart Wed 26-Mar-14 09:00:44

They don't need you to be THEIR mother to appreciate you as the mother of their children, and to support their small children in making something or drawing a picture on a card.

Pagwatch Wed 26-Mar-14 09:03:12

I too love 'spectre toy' planning grin

BrightLightsAtNight Wed 26-Mar-14 09:08:33

fryingpantoface Unless your mother in law is horrible, your attitude is a bit mean.

I agree with 'he's not your mother' line being rubbish. He should be helping his children to express themselves and show their mother their appreciation in the way the family wants to recognise the day.

You should always let other people know if some things are important to you and they don't realise. You shouldn't need to fume silently then build up resentment.

MaryWestmacott Wed 26-Mar-14 09:12:37

What Iwould do is sit him down tonight (so he's still got time to turn this round!) say that while you understand he thinks it's a pile of shite, you think it's really important your DD learns she should be thankful for having parents who do so much for her and that's why you make a fuss of father's day, so you teach your DD she shouldn't take her Daddy for granted. That at 4, this is a year when your DD will "get" mothers day if he teachs her - that you would like to be thanked one day for all the work you put into looking after her. That you don't want a lot of money spent, but effort, if he could make a card with her, or perhaps take her to the pound shop and get her to pick something. Get her to 'help' him make you lunch and spoil mummy. Repeat that you make teh effort on father's day to teach them about being grateful to him, he has to do it back to you, and just watching the footie and acting like it's a normal day won't do that.

Point out in a couple of years, when DD is old enough to make effort by herself, she wont think to do it unless he teaches her now. He's got 2-3 years of having to make an effort entirely by himself. 2-3 days isn't that much to ask is it?

blanchedeveraux Wed 26-Mar-14 09:14:22

My first Mother's Day was a complete bust. PFB was 4 weeks old when Fathers Day came, it also happened to be DH's birthday the same day. I got cards and presents for both and presented them to him from tiny DD. Cut to 10 months later and my first Mothers Day. I got nothing. No acknowledgement at all. My DD was obviously far too young to do anything by herself so the onus fell on him to get a card/gift, make a special tea but he acted like it didn't happen. He gave his OWN mother a gift so it wasn't as though he was unaware of the date. 17 years later it still saddens me a bit that my first Mother's Day was so shite.

fryingpantoface Unless your mother in law is horrible, your attitude is a bit mean.

she's not horrible. She uses emotional blackmail (she has bi-polar and keeps threatening to have a breakdown when she doesn't like what's being said to her) to get what she wants. Dh has a sister who never has his mom over on mother's day because she has other plans, a dinner party with mates etc, so she makes me and dh feel bad so invite her over and i get massively ignored while she fawns over dh and my children without acknowledging I'm there.

or, like on my first md, she wanted to have lunch alone with dh (i wasn't invited, but it was apparently ok for my 6 month old to go too) and i was left alone for 6 hours. I had really bad pnd at the tine, which everyone was aware of. So there's a lot of resentment there on mother's day.

she is actually really nice as long as she's getting what she wants.

BrightLightsAtNight Wed 26-Mar-14 10:38:38

fryingpan obviously you have your reasons and she sounds like hard work. I was just thinking along the lines of how awful I'd feel if my dh refused to have my mum over or my future dil/sil refused to allow me to visit my kids on specific days.
Hopefully, I won't be in that position as I don't intend to use emotional blackmail. Neither does my mum smile

I'm a bit defensive about it, sorry. smile

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