I hate being a Mum

(27 Posts)
ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 11:31:58

I have nc as I am ashamed but I hate it, I fell pregnant in the midst of many surgeries while with an abusive partner after being told that I could not concieve.

I am exhausted , I get no break, financially its hard as one low working wage, I deal with the constant backlash of exh letting dd down. She has sen so mixture of hormones, lack of understanding and anger means she is really playing up at moment.

I hate the drudgery of it all
I hate where I live but we are stuck here for the time being.
I have no life, I work from home and can go weeks without seeing another adult.
I spend my time being an emotional battering ram for her dads failures

Inknow I am selfish and I love her massively I just hate this life, I am fucking miserable.

MerryMarigold Mon 24-Mar-14 11:39:10

Aw, sorry these are not real thanks, but I do feel for you. It sounds very hard.

You don't need to nc because it is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't have your life and I hate being a Mum sometimes too. Sometimes I want to get on a train to nowhere and stay on it. I don't want to die, but I want peace.

How old is your dd? How long will she be with you? It will probably fly!

The only thing I can say is there will always be people who have it harder than you, and those who have it easier. The people who manage to be happy, it's got nothing to do with circumstances, but their attitude. (I envy them, but try and learn from them). Some people seem to be born positive and some people need to fight for it.

Try and write a list of 10 things you are grateful for. Even basic things like being able to take in a lungful of air with no difficulty, or being able to taste, or that the sun is shining today. If you can do this 3x per day, it can help your mood.

Also, if you are feeling like your low mood is persisting, maybe it is time to go to the GP. Medication or counselling? (I am assuming you've had counselling, but maybe more is needed). Can you get any respite from help with friends and family? Does dd have friends she could go to?

Also, maybe a trip to CAB. Would you be better off not working and claiming benefits? (Not sure how that works to be honest). Can you do a house swap with someone if it is council?

DoJo Mon 24-Mar-14 11:42:30

Oh you poor thing - that does sound difficult and I can imagine that it's easy to focus on the negative, especially when every aspect of your life is getting you down. Are you entitled to any support or care for your daughter? Is there anything you can do with regards to your work? Do you need to work from home, or could you consider a job in an office to give you a break from being alone? I can understand how you feel about being a mum, and there is nothing selfish about wanting things to be different. Have you got any friends or family nearby who might be able to look after your daughter so you can have a break? Or even just come round and share the load a little with you to allow you to enjoy it a little more? Either way, there should be some support or assistance available to you, even if it's just your local Surestart centre or similar. I really hope you find a way to relieve the pressure on yourself.

Tryingtobetidy Mon 24-Mar-14 11:48:35

flowers hope things get better soon

ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 11:51:14

Thanks
Thats exactly it, if there had been anyone else at home last night I could have easily walked out and not come back, awful. An old neighbour did this and I couldnt understand her, I can now.
Its private let.

I need to work from home as no childcare available here for dds age, I know no one here (moved here when family member still alive and local) literally have no one to help now, left everyone else behind when we left ex.

MerryMarigold Mon 24-Mar-14 11:54:33

How long have you been in this situation and how old is dd?

MerryMarigold Mon 24-Mar-14 11:55:21

Why are you trapped in the house?

Ploppy16 Mon 24-Mar-14 11:57:39

YABU to feel ashamed at all! It sounds so hard, are you getting everything you're entitled to financially? (I don't mean from ExP, am assuming he lets you both down on the money front as well)
Agree with posters above, a trip to your GP might be in order, possibly CAB/CSA for advice on your ExP and Sure Start wrt your Daughter.
You have many things to be proud of, you're supporting your Daughter, running your own business (again assuming as you say you work from home) and running a house. Nothing there to be ashamed of.
Do you have family/friends to lean on and do they know you're struggling? If they don't tell them and ask for help, don't try to shoulder everything, it won't do you any good at all.
More thanks for you x

Ploppy16 Mon 24-Mar-14 11:58:28

Sorry X Post.

ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 12:01:09

Left exh years ago but relatives still alive till two years ago and things werent so bad, we also lived in a different area, central and with places to go and see and do and I had a small network of support then but landlord remortgaged property then went abroad with money and as he was letting without mortgage company knowing we were made homeless.

The relative helped us come here but now they are gone is a pretty isolated place to live. Dd is eleven.

So its been hard for six years but dreadful vor the last two.

Topseyt Mon 24-Mar-14 12:06:46

Awww, you sound so down. I too think you should see your GP. Ask them about local counselling services and support groups for both you and your daughter, as it sounds as if you have both gone through an awful lot. Also, discuss the possibility of medication to help lift your mood.

Many of us know just what it is like to not be able to see your way out of the depths and to feel so isolated, as there are times in life when you do find that out for a whole variety of reasons.

You have found the courage to leave an abusive partner, and I think you sound like a very strong person although it doesn't sound as if you feel it at the moment.

How old is your daughter? Do you see other mums you could chat to at the school gates, if she is at school? Speak to the school to find out how she is when there, and whether or not they can recommend anything. If she is younger then are there any mother and toddler groups you could join so that you could meet people?

That is just me chucking out a few ideas. I hope things start to improve soon, and hopefully it can only get better.

ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 12:07:22

We are stuck here as I cant afford to move again and dont have much left over to saveup to do so plus dd has just been assigned a great school which meets her needs and I should be thrilled but I am dreading the thought of five more years here.

ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 12:12:55

Its very much a drop and run school, most of her class and the two classes under that come alone or are dropped off in carpark, I can literally see no one I know for three weeks in a row.
When she goes to secondary I am going to try and get another job at least part time office based but even then its hard as she will finish at 2.45pm and not safe to be alone, tried to find someone go do after school but failed because many are in uni/college of collecting other children.

Topseyt Mon 24-Mar-14 12:13:56

Cross-posted with you there, sorry. I see she is 11, so is either at secondary school or preparing to transfer in September.

Schools can often help too. Most secondary schools I know of have to have student welfare officers (or whatever each chooses to call them) who may be able to talk to your daughter, put you and her in touch with local counselling services etc. I guess too that there is some sort of provision in primary schools, though not sure what it is. Call them and ask. I am guessing they are aware of your daughter's background anyway, so that they can deal with any issues it causes in school (just as you are at home).

Topseyt Mon 24-Mar-14 12:19:08

By the way, I think you should change your username to unashamedbuttruthful, as you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances. The only one who should be in any way ashamed is your abusive ex, who messes you and your daughter about so much.

As someone above suggested, have you checked that you are receiving all types of benefit to which you may be entitles in order to support your income and your efforts to support you and your daughter? Call CAB to discuss.

badtime Mon 24-Mar-14 12:20:26

It sounds like you don't hate being a mum at all. It sounds more like you are isolated and lonely. Nobody likes that.

It also sounds like you are depressed. I agree with the posters who say you should see your doctor.

MerryMarigold Mon 24-Mar-14 12:23:36

Can you move now she has been given the school? I don't know how it works in terms of how long you need to be at that address. Is there a good transport route for her school run which could put you back more centrally? How severe are the SEN? Do you get disability?

BoomBoomsCousin Mon 24-Mar-14 13:03:30

You shouldn't be ashamed OP. It sounds like you have a really tough situation. There's a thread on here somewhere of people saying how much they regret having children. Most don't face the difficulties you face but still there are hundreds of posts of women admitting that it isn't the rosy, fulfilling role for them that is painted in the media.

I don't have any advice for making your life better, but there is a lot of support on here. I hope some of the other posters with experience of the challenges you face can help you make things more bearable. thanks

Berts Mon 24-Mar-14 13:03:52

How old is your DC? Do you still have a health visitor, or someone working with you to help with SEN?

I absolutely hated being a mum for the first couple of years, and I didn't even have all the difficulties that you do. Please do try to talk to your HV or GP about extra support, groups, parenting classes, anything you can get to give you a bit of a break and get out meeting new people.

You're reaching out now and I hope it makes you feel a bit better, but everybody needs some face to face.

thanks

creampie Mon 24-Mar-14 13:51:43

Don't be ashamed, anyone who says they've never felt like this, even briefly, is lying or deluded!

On a practical note, can you volunteer for so e after school club supervisor role to get a few contacts?

Balaboosta Mon 24-Mar-14 13:56:42

Here's another one saying - Please don't feel ashamed! Life can be really tough. Nothing useful or practical to add but sending you my very best wishes.

NoodleOodle Mon 24-Mar-14 14:02:45

Loneliness can be crushing, as well as trying to get help from your Dr for your mood, please try to find some way to have adult company - we are social creatures. Did you have any interests before you had DC? Is there a woman's group or church you could find company at?

formerbabe Mon 24-Mar-14 14:12:26

Do you have any friends op? Maybe from before you became a mum?

Its hard being a mum and even harder in your situation. I think you need to tackle your loneliness/isolation first.

If you did get a job away from your home, does your child's school have an after school club?

fedthefuckupnowwhat Mon 24-Mar-14 14:56:36

OP I could have written your post (in fact, I did a few days ago, in the parenting section). How on earth we are supposed to enjoy this drudgery is anyone's guess. Yet look at all the Mother's Day ads hmm

How old is your DD?

ashamedbuttruthful Mon 24-Mar-14 15:09:40

No friends, by the time I left exh he had managed to cut out any friends I had.
No after school here, cms are full who pick up at dds school.
At secondary they can stay in library till 4pm.

No clubs/activities in the village, I have found things I would likr to do three miles away but I cant drive and you cant take kids.

fedthefuckupnowwhat Mon 24-Mar-14 15:15:22

OP, do you have any family you can confide in?

I also second the GP idea.

Also, are there any women's advice centres in your area?

I don't drive either so I feel your frustration.

frumpet Mon 24-Mar-14 16:34:32

This is probably a crap suggestion , but could you start your own club ? like a book club or something at your house , ask school to stick a note on the newsletter ?

And i know its a wee bit early , but heres a wine

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