To have not allowed dd to do her homework(49 Posts)
She is 11 and year 6, going to secondary this time so trying to give her independence and trust, on Friday I asked her if she had homework, she said yes and I sent her to do it, when I looked she had the homework out. Asked her if she needed help, answered no, I asked if she had finished and told yes.
We were out all yesterday and most of today as my mum is poorly.
cue ten oclock tonight getting her bag ready and check her homework and shes not done it apart from two questions, its easy so no reason why other than she couldnt be arsed.
She tried starting it at 10pm (six pages) and I refused to let her so now she says she didnt do her homework because our house is crap and we have no garden and she doesnt want to live here anyway [storms off in a huff and slams door]
Now its all MY fault shes going to get told off for not doing her homework until probably gone 11 tonight.
YANBU, there is a consequence for not telling the truth and she will it tomorrow. 10pm on a Sunday is not the time for homework!
YABU. Does she need your help with it? If not, why not let her do it? The consequence is that she gets less sleep.
You're not being unreasonable. Presumably she knows when bedtime is, so she knew it should have been done before then, and she shouldn't have lied to begin with.
YABU, if you only had a better house and a garden she could have done it all! Why are you so crap, eh? Who wants a roof over their head?
Really, YANBU, she's old enough to take responsibility for not doing it, but too young to be staying up all hours finishing things last minute. She also lied when you asked if it was done. That's her problem.
We had similar to this with DSis when she started high school. She had this habit of leaving her homework til the night before it was due, then looking in her planner to see she had only written 'Maths' or 'Science' in and no explanation. She left it too late to ask a teacher for help, and it was her fault for being too lazy to write the tasks down. She soon learned her lesson anyway!
Oh I have been there with my 12yo. YANBU. Bedtime is bedtime, and if she's not organised then she needs to explain that to the teacher.
And BTW I have a garden and apparently it STILL isn't possible to do homework on time :-)
Def not your fault op. Hope she went to bed.
I would get my ds to do it in the morning [say from 7.30am until 8am].
Would that work with your dd?
Yanbu. Glad that you stuck to it.
I would be concerned with her attitude though, very rude how she spoke to you.
If she is so worried she can get up 30 mins earlier and do it before school
Yanbu and she will also be in trouble for lying to me.
YANBU. I have a 'rule' homework is started at the latest by 5pm on a Sunday. If we are out that day he's told to do it before. Yr 5 so no more than an hour.
If he doesn't he can get up early Monday to do it.
Yanbu. You asked her if she had homework, which she did. You asked her if she needed help, she said she didn't. Other than doing the homework for her, there is little else you could have done. But then she said she had finished it.
Next time, she knows not to lie and say it's finished when it isn't finished.
If she is lucky it won't be due today, so she will have time tonight to complete it and not get a detention.. If not, oh well.
That's utterly brilliant parenting. You have set clear boundaries and stuck to them. I just hope there are consequences at school for her not having completed the homework because there's needs to be to make this life lesson truly effective.
Well if you were out most of the weekend is it possible she forgot?
I suppose she wanted to see your mum rather than stay behind to do homework?
I think you are being unreasonable.
She's 11. She's old enough to deal with the consequences of not going to sleep on time, being tired the next day. What are you teaching her? That it's ok to not finish projects when they're due if it interferes with going out or getting sleep? That won't do her any favors in a future job, or as a university student.
She lied about getting it done, which is what needs to be punished - but the punishment should not be not doing it. Ffs if my parents had "punished" me by not letting me do homework I had pretended to do, I would have never done homework.
You should have stressed the importance of finishing her work, let her be tired the next day. Discipline as you usually would for lying/tantrums - removing privileges, etc. Homework isn't a privilege, it's a responsibility that you're letting her ignore.
diddl she said she had done the homework friday night so she didn't forget. She lied to op and said she had done it.
op yanbu. Its better she gets a punishment now and learns the consequences than later when the work is more important/GCSE based.
I'd prefer to use the natural consequences of being tired the next day rather than shifting the consequences onto a ban from me. The former teaches what happens when you mess up in this way, you've done it to yourself and feel cross with yourself. The latter sets the parent up as the bad guy so the anger shifts to scapegoating the parent and deflecting their anger with themselves.
"She lied to op and said she had done it."
Yes, but that might have been because she'd had enough, wanted a break & intended to do it another time.
And it was just easier to say that she'd finished!
I think I would have let her stay up a little & told her to get up the next morning if she wanted to finish it.
i can see why you did it but the punishment was wrong imo.
she should have done her homework and the punishment is she is tired today. now she's not done the work. that is not a good message.
Then she shouldnt have lied should she? How can she be tired and needing a break after completing 2 questions? She just couldnt be arsed, lied to her mum then panicked when she remembered it needed doing
My DD 11 was punished at primary school (year 6) when she didn't do her homework when she had lied to me that she had done it.
DD is now at secondary school and she certainly learnt from the experience as she now completes the majority of her homework at school and has been repeatedly praised for the high standard.
I completely agree with what you did your DD needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions and this will hopefully set her in good stead when at secondary school.
If you had allowed her to complete her homework until very late last night she would no doubt had been very tired and not fully able to concentrate on her school work. Also your DD wouldn't have learnt anything other than I can lie and it doesn't matter.
I agree with everything you did op (and I'd maybe look to put a note in her planner/to her teacher to explain. Not to get her in trouble but to ensure she doesn't lie to her teacher and blame you "grandma's Ill/we were out all weekend" etc).
If you let the consequence be her staying up late and being tired she won't associate the two as a consequence, and will simply be more irritable with you/the family for the rest of the week.
Stick to your guns, you did great. Maybe tonight you and her could have a cuppa & a biscuit and chat about what happened and why. She might be ready to listen and see how it could be avoided (and hopefully it won't end up in a shouting match).
I don't think natural consequences of 'being tired' teaches anything. I always left my homework until the last minute (e.g during registration) and I never learnt even when I (frequently) got myself up at 6.30am to start English gcse essays. As I always got top marks I also never had any consequences in terms of results. I wish my parents had tried to get me into a routine of doing homework straight away at an early age.
I spoke to school about homework (at the time ds1 would scream and shout about even the thought of getting it out of his bag) and all of his teachers have said "ask him to sit down and do it, remind him once and then if he doesn't do it, let him face the consequences in school (missed break). Don't get involved in arguing, just be matter of fact, he will learn to take responsibility" They were right, he did! I'm still around (at the table or preparing tea) if they need help or want to talk about what they have to do but it has made dc realise that it's their homework not mine.
"Then she shouldnt have lied should she? How can she be tired and needing a break after completing 2 questions?"
No, she shouldn't have lied.
Equally she's 11, so OP shouldn't have needed to keep reminding her even if she hadn't lied.
She'd been at school all day, it was Fri evening, maybe she fancied a break from school work?
Or maybe she just cba, let's just condemn the poor kid!
Would she have lied to keep you from insisting she finished her homework at that point?
Maybe she fully intended to finish it but Monday came round too quick. Could she have finished it at 10pm. I think I'd have said half an hour and then finish it early in the morning.
The problem (for me) is that having discovered the homework wasn't done, she wasn't given a chance to fix it.
OP, were you getting her bag ready & checking if homework was done?
If so, why?
She should be doing it.
And preferably before 10pm on a Sunday!
Ohhh mixed responses, I have in past let her finish it when she has not lied and it makes no difference next time.
She cares if her teacher knows she has not done it, that will have an effect, she doesnt get out of doing the homework, she will have to do it at dinner or play or tonight depending on teacher.
She couldnt be arsed, she played minecraft instead.
Sorry diddl I forgot to answer, I only checked her bag because I had used it this weekend when ee went out for the day and was putting the stuff I had taken out back in.
I'm with you OP, as the parent of a serial homework avoider, I think you done good. Let her explain it to her teacher.
Well tonight there will be no minecraft for her.
I know minecraft is addictive as I play it myself, but lying to you to play a computer game is not on.
I would have done the exact same as you. The pain inflicted by the teacher is greater than the tiredness. Good on you.
Agree. 10pm Sunday night isn't the time. And she did have an opportunity to put it right. She could have got up 30-60 mins early this morning and done it then.
My DD's also in yr 6 and I've also refused to let her do it at that time. She wouldn't be able to do in properly anyway as she'd be too stressed to think clearly. YANBU
You are being perfectly reasonable.
DD2 would just of got up early and done it this morning.
(DD1 would have been allowed to do it at 11pm, but DD1 was a complete night owl and it wasn't worth the fight)
I can see the benefit of the other suggested punishment (doing it at 10pm and being tired) but I think that takes the punishment away from school.
Children need to learn that they are accountable in other settings and not just at home with their parents. School/education/work should be seen as an authority with a set of rules and there are consequences for behaviour in each.
That means the child learning to take responsibility.
You did the right thing OP.
I think you were right. Letting her stay up at night to finish it just reinforces that that's a good way of dealing with it. It isn't and I used to do this constantly - it's not good for your health, the quality of the work is nowhere near as good as it could be if you're not rushing and/or tired, and also (IME!) being tired isn't much of a deterrent because for me the elation of getting it finished overrides the tiredness and I get a sort of weird thrill from being up so late because I'm so stupid as to leave it until the last minute. Not helpful.
It is far more helpful to her in the future if you help her set up habits of good planning and organisation, which hopefully this will.
"She couldnt be arsed, she played minecraft instead."
Ah, missed that in the OP, sorry!
Well in that case I would have sent her to bed & told her she could get up early she wanted to to do it.
Glad to see that you're not usually doing her bag when she's nearly at secondary!
"Letting her stay up at night to finish it just reinforces that that's a good way of dealing with it
I disagree-I think that it shows it's an option & for me it would be a limited one-maybe once or twice & that's it!
I too would have allowed her to stay up late to finish if it were totally out of character for her to procrastinate.
I suppose it's whether you have the personality of a procrastinator or not For me I have an urge to do everything at the last possible minute so if I have the option of doing something the night before, I will always do it the night before. The only way for me to deal with this is to convince myself that it's really not an option to do something the night before and I need to have it completed by X time (before the actual deadline) for some reason or other - and I can't invent a reason because my brain doesn't work like that, it has to be an actual reason.
Realistically staying up all night is not a good way of dealing with a problem, the solution is to manage your time better and get it started earlier. It's not like she's going to not know that it's an option, but I would be doing my damndest to discourage it from being a valid one (but that might be because I struggle so much with it myself).
Oh I agree that it's not a good thing to always be doing-especially if it takes longer than you thought it would!
I know it's also coloured by the lying & now the minecraft, but what I wasn't sure of from OP was if she knew that she would be out Saturday & most of Sunday beforehand so that realistically friday eve was her only opportunity iyswim.
Although she hadn't remembered at all Sun eve by the sounds of things & they were probably back in time Sunday fpr her to do it.
I would have let her do it. Maybe it suits her to do it then? Maybe it doesn't, she will soon find out won't she? I think that was an argument that didn't need to happen.
She did know we were going to be out most of the weekend and I told her Friday to do it then and why.
The thing is at 11 I don't think being tired is really any form of punishment is it? DS is 9 and is "never tired" He is miserable, naggy, lacks concentration, loses all drive and enthusiasm but is categorically not tired
So it is his family, peers and teachers who suffer from his tiredness while, in the OPs situation, he is not in trouble for not completing his homework. I would have done exactly what you did OP. YANBU
YANBU. I have done exactly the same as you, in similar circumstances.
I guess I don't understand why burning the candle in morning (get up early to do it) is better than burning the candle in the evening (stay up late).
As things were, because it wasn't done, she may have had trouble sleeping, so she would have ended up burning the candle at both ends anyway to get it done.
I would have let her do it at night.
I would have told her to leave it - 10pm is sleeping time when you are 11.
And the next morning I would have talked to her about not doing when she was supposed to - and why lying about it didn't help her. And having a huff didn't help either.
If she had time to do it in the morning then she could do it then, otherwise she would have to explain to the teacher that she hadn't done it.
One of life's lessons.
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