Looking for a females perspective - Am I being unreasonable?

(55 Posts)
stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 07:47:47

PBWM

Male looking for a females perspective as to if I am being unreasonable. Not sure if I should be posting here or under relationships?

I'm not sure where to start. If I tried doing this in a chronological order, this would be a book. Thus I'll start with recent events and try and give some background info as I go along.

My partner and I are have been living separately since November 2013. we have two beautiful girls, aged 2 & 4. Our separate living was due to us planning to relocation to another region of France and I was going to look for work and my partner was going to stay at her mothers till the eldest finished her school term at Christmas.

I was expecting my partner to then join me from Christmas onwards but we have been separated since.

We are constantly arguing as I'm frustrated and not understanding why she has not kept to the original plan and refuse to explain why she always creating excuses of why she can't come.

I would understand that with the time apart, she may have decided that she doesn't want me, scared of change, will miss her friends etc. But no explanation and putting it on me that I need to go see a doctor because I am thoroughly annoyed by the situation is hurtful and dam right rude.

Maybe my latest email to her will explain the situation a littler better, but am I being unreasonable? -

"I can't express how annoyed I am.

You wanted to buy a house in XXX. I moved to XXX to see if I can get work and sort out temporary accommodation whilst we house hunt. I arrived here early November, and you were aware that I had to be out by mid April. Now April is fast approaching, you've been up twice but refused to stay. And you haven't given any reason why you refuse to commit. Instead you have kept the girls at your Grand mothers, where it is small, housing a dangerous dog and isolated.

For all those times you told me that you find it difficult being with your
mother and grand mother, you could have been here with me, in comfort, with the girls spending time with their father. So I have no sympathy, you chose to live there, though you had a pleasant alternative!

With regards to deciding to give up the flat in ZZZ. I always
explained that I wasn't earning enough to pay for everything all on my own -
(1000 Rent, 300 Gas/Electrics/Phone and internet, 600min food, tax
Habitation, Taking you and the girls out, Girls clothing and toys, Petrol
insurance etc etc).

I may have worked full time, but I never got paid full time IE Quotes and reckies and design work was unpaid and took time. Also why should
I pay for everything if you had 82K+ in the bank... I think most people would think was a little one sided?

I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty and you were once a person who was spontaneous, loved adventures and passionate about life. But if you think that I am being unfair by telling you how pissed off I am now because I have been patiently waiting for over 4 months for you to arrive, us all living together, looking for a home for us all, then you need to be remind that you have wasted my time by refusing to commit, especially as it was you who want to do this, and arranged for somewhere for me to stay!

Our last big argument was in February when you announced you had a job interview and if you got the job you would be staying in the south of France for another 5 months, the fact you and your mother told me I needed to go a see a doctor because I was angry about your decision and told I had to like it or lump, is pretty awful act you both created. What makes it worse, is that you didn't get the job and you still refuse to come up to continue looking for a permanent home for the girls.

Please starting thinking on your feet fast and start communicating otherwise I wish you luck at your mothers.... At least she will be happy your will have continued the family history! (Whilst I now don't communicate with mine as I chose to stay with you!)"

HER REPLY -

"Awful and disgusting email sad
If u only want me for buying u a house u can piss off !
Can't believe that u are desperate to have me up there it's just to pay u half the rent !
Thanks"

MY RESPONSE -

"I don't think you read the email correctly, nowhere does it say I want you to come buy ME a house. Also where does it say that I want you to pay half the rent? I think you have missed the point. There has been a place for us to live together whilst you look for a house to buy - this was your idea. We are meant to be a family, but you have refused to do what you said you wanted to do and the time here is running out fast. I just think it was a waste!

It would be nice if you started to think about the girls future instead of
being scared to commit to anything. As I have said before, I am used to you blaming me for everything, luckily I know this to be untrue.

Looking forward to you talking about my ex's (People I went out with before
I even knew you), drugs, my family etc etc...

[messaged edited by MNHQ]

ruby1234 Sun 23-Mar-14 07:51:41

Instead of emailing, why don't you go to her and discuss things face to face?

She doesn't want to live with you. You emailing her like she's a work colleague is not going to make her want to live with you. Like Ruby says, go and actually talk to her face to face.

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 07:59:18

Ii would agree, email is not the way to go. I would actually say you need to discuss it in person. Can you go back down south for a weekend and sit her down and ask what she really wants? Could it be she will miss her family, or has just changed her mind about Brittany and is scared to say so? I would say your email wasn't awful or disgusting and didn't say you wanted her to buy her a house. Is
there someone with her, maybe mother or grandmother, that would be suggesting this?

what is your current situation, have you found a job or house, are you tied to staying up there?

NoodleOodle Sun 23-Mar-14 08:06:01

Time to move near your children and arrange regular contact. The happy family you are waiting to compose is not going to happen because she doesn't want to. It doesn't matter who is being reasonable or not, what matters now is trying to make a plan to be the best parent you can be.

aquashiv Sun 23-Mar-14 08:06:15

Why doesn't she want to move?
Can't you meet somewhere in the middle.
You both sound like there is alot more going on. Can you talk without arguing if not you might need a counsellor.

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 08:10:06

Although it sounds from the sample you gave like she is being unreasonable, we obviously don't have the full story. I think if she is what you want you need to forget all the details of what you have been fighting about, don't be drawn into the argument, just try to find out what she wants, preferably in person, or if absolutely necessary by email.

"i don't ant to argue any more. Please, lets start over.

i love you, i love the girls, i want to be with you all as a family. I don't care where we do it, it could be on the moon as long as we are all together. Yes, there are practical issues with my job/house etc, but you just need to tell me what you want and i will make it happen because i love you."

that's not suggesting you are in the wrong, i just think you need to rise above and be the one to defuse the situation.

It sounds very much like this relationship is over, so focus on doing what's best for yourself and the children as you plan your life separately.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:19:32

We have seen each other twice since November, she and the girls came for two weeks for Christmas, again during the school holidays a few weeks back. Also I have travelled down a few times between that period.

So, we have spoken face to face. I have had to resort to email as I am starting to feel like I am going mad, and I don't like arguing over the phone.

We had a flat in the south, I was paying for everything, she refused to work, which I agreed with to a point as the girl were little, but when times where hard, she just watched as the bill mount up and let me struggle. After 4 years, I realised that I had paid 50K in rent and had had enough of being told that I was never around for her and the girls as I worked long hours to make ends meet. As she had 82K in the bank, we discussed and made plans last autumn for me to move to Brittany, get settled and she and the girls would follow when my eldest finishes term last Christmas.

I found work, had a 2 bedroom place to stay, and expected her to follow suit so we could go house hunting.

The times she has come to visit, we have been house hunting, she has put offers in to the estate agents, and then when they are accepted, she runs away. What's strange was that when she was here, she would tell everyone what our plans are, as to our joint decision last autumn. However, she then announces that she has to go back without a real reason.

4 months on, I have had steady employment, I have to vacate the place I am staying at as it is used for holiday rentals and the summer season is fast approaching. And am being a bad person for wanting to know why she is dragging her heals.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sun 23-Mar-14 08:21:41

Do you think she's maybe met someone else?

OTheHugeManatee Sun 23-Mar-14 08:24:04

She has clearly changed her mind about moving to Brittany, an has not been honest with you about this. That's pretty off in my book, especially if you've given up work/a client list/whatever to go on ahead and find you all a home.

But the fact that you're four months into this stalemate and still talking around it, by email no less rather than face to face, says there are more fundamental issues in your relationship.

If I were you I'd head back south pronto and speak to her face to face. Emails like the one you sent will achieve nothing, especially as she's living with her mum/grandmother (who probably don't want her to move away). Your best chance is to turn up there and remind her in person about why the two of you fell in love and started making these plans.

ViviPru Sun 23-Mar-14 08:26:39

What do you suspect to be the reason "she is dragging her heals"? I'm not suggesting you're being deliberately misleading, but I'm not convinced you have no clue whatsoever. Be honest with yourself. Your suspicions are likely to be correct.

piratecat Sun 23-Mar-14 08:28:29

trying to be totally objective here i think she doesn't want to share her money or at least invest in something with you long term.
how happy were you two really before you moved away.
why did she wish to move to the other side of the country?

Yes, agree with OThe that your only chance is to remind her why you two fell in love. All the arguing about money will be very off putting to her. It sounds like you are in the right and have been treated unfairly. It also sounds like she is petrified you're going to get your hands on the £82k.

My suspicion is that she has been using you for money. On the off chance you will be able to get her back it will be with the understanding that you are to be the provider and she is not going to contribute financially. If you would rather be with her and the girls on that basis than not at all then pursue. However you are acting like if you only say the right words she will start pulling her weight financially. That is just not going to happen.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 23-Mar-14 08:31:35

X posted. Obviously we've not heard her side but based in yours it sounds like there are some fundamentals you didn't discuss thoroughly before having DC. Are you married? Do you share finances? What did you agree about money ad how to share it? What is this 83k in the bank? Did you discuss work and childcare before you had DC? It does sound unfair for her to refuse to work but criticise you for working too hard.

scarletforya Sun 23-Mar-14 08:33:19

Op, there's some very identifying details in these posts. You have literally washed your laundry in public here. At least remove the location where your wife and daughters currently live.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:34:33

No, I don't think she has met someone else. Though this is one reason why I have started to email her as she changes to conversation to people I dated in my early 20's. (before we'd even met).

From a money point of view, this is my beef. I paid for everything, she did contribute with the child benefit she received but refuse to tell me how much she was getting.

I have always been transparent about money, I don't drink, by very little on personals apart from things I need to carry out my job. (though I do factor this cost in to my quotes for clients).

We have been together of over 7 years, I have always known she has savings, but I can't stand the fact that she is insistent that I am only after her money... 7 year being together and 4 years providing, I would have thought that this would prove something.

My point of the matter is this, we have to young children, I wasn't getting or giving any quality of life in the family home due to the long hours working. By moving to Brittany, we would have a stable home for the girls, with a garden for the girls. No mortgage, so I would work the normal 40 hours a week, allowing for more time home. And be able to save up for our future.

Is it unreasonable to be unhappy that nearly 5 months down the line still nothing has progressed and having to understanding as to why?

It isn't unreasonable to unhappy, no. It is unreasonable to keep going over the same ground without figuring out what you're going to do about it given the circumstances.

I do wonder if she has met someone else and is delaying until she figures out where. Things are ping with this other person. People with guilty consciences are usually the first to show jealousy which is what she is doing bringing up these other women from your past.

Why do you want to be with her, apart from the children? Do you actually honestly still love her and will you love her if she never contributes any money (because she's not going to) and when her looks fade will you still love her?

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:40:35

what is DC?

If I knew why she was dragger her heals then I wouldn't be on here pouring my heart out...

Dc = children

minouminou Sun 23-Mar-14 08:42:22

How about suggesting she gets this £82k right out of the way so neither of you can easily get your hands on it...in a long term account with long notice periods/penalties for withdrawals?

Where is it now?

Why is she so anxious about you taking it? What's her history?

And please...do ask MN to delete your details, you are, like others have said, very identifiable.

She's not ever coming imo. Move back and live nearby so you can see your children often. They're so little.

It sounds to me like she's pulling away and doesn't even want to be with you anymore. Don't waste anymore time on trying to persuade her to move. Stop e-mailing. She's not coming.

Frustrating after all your effort but you're their Dad and they need to see you often, move back. But I don't think she'll move back in with you on your return sadly. It sounds like it's over to me. Sorry.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:45:37

I do love her, I wouldn't be on here trying to get over perspective so I can maybe gauge a female understanding as to what going on and how to move forward.

Whats the deal about asking if I would love her even when her looks fade away. I probably had a face of a horse behind from most peoples point of view... smile

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:46:40

how do I ask MN to delete my details?

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 08:50:37

Click report on your post that mentions the town name and write a message to the team to edit it.

fuckwittery Sun 23-Mar-14 08:52:25

I would think that this means she's not committed enough to spend her life savings on buying a house with you in Britrany or elsewhere. She might have suggested it but has changed her mind. I guess she had to say something as you (reasonably) were struggling with working such long hours and the stress of being the sole provider. But what you have spent is in the past. You need to establish if she'll live with you anywhere, I'd suggest renting. If her only income is child benefit (it's a set amount, you can google it, about 36 a week for two children I think) and you are earning then you will be paying the bulk of things. I don't think you should insist she uses get savings towards living expenses at the moment as it's clearly a huge issue, but you do need to work out how you can live affordably on your joint income, but your relationship sounds too fragile for a capital investment from her to be part of that at present.

Balaboosta Sun 23-Mar-14 08:53:14

Communication has broken down. This is nothing at all to with reasonable or unreasonable. She isn't coming. Concentrate on putting your life back together ASAP.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sun 23-Mar-14 08:54:55

Click on "report" on your initial post and you'll get a box in which you can explain the reasons - just tell MNHQ that you think you may have put too much identifying detail in the thread and they'll delete it for you. Then de-register. If you think any of the advice on here may be of use to you, take a copy first.

I asked about the looks part because in your email you had said "I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty ..." and for me, that would have put me right off. I dont know what other women would think but my reaction would be "if I'm pretty that's a good reason to ask me on a date but not one of the main reasons why you would love me seven years on ... don't you know me at all??" The remaining reasons are things you used to love about her that presumably aren't true anymore.

Most of the email was about money and complaints. If you want to even see if you can win her back you will have to try harder than that. But I would just say make sure you want her back the way she actually is (a bit greedy and selfish from your description) rather than your fantasy of how she could be if only she would change. Because she is not going to change!!

maddening Sun 23-Mar-14 09:03:52

if it has to be by email why not simply ask what is wrong? Does she want to move to Brittany still? Does she want you to move back? - none of the you said I said stuff, none of the finances crap just ask her what she wants to happen?

scarletforya Sun 23-Mar-14 09:04:43

You don't have to delete the whole thread just the place name and maybe money amounts etc

MN can edit the specific details out of the posts!

Just click on report on the posts you want to edit Op.

InsertAwesomeNickname Sun 23-Mar-14 09:20:33

There seems to be an awful lot of pointless detail in the email. She is party to what's going on, she knows when and what your last fight was. There is no need to rehash it all, she knows!

What you need to know is does she want to be with you. If yes then in what terms ie where will you all stay etc. You then have to make the decision of whether her terms are acceptable to you.

If she doesn't you have your answer and need to look at your situation and how best to move forward for your kids.

YANBU to want to know what's going on. She is NBU to have changed her mind but she is BU to not tell you.

JamNan Sun 23-Mar-14 09:32:54

Hmm...I think the OP wants to 'out' his partner. There's far too much personal info on here.

scarletforya Sun 23-Mar-14 09:37:28

Yes, she is very unreasonable big to tell you. She's using evasive tactics too by constantly changing the subject back to exes of yours that you had before you two met!

I'm not sure what she's playing at but you need to hot foot it back to your dds right away and see what's what.
Her diversionary tactics and evasive behavior suggest she has something to hide. At the least she had no intentions of coming to settle in your current location.

At worst she's already moved on with someone else and is stringing you along for reasons unknown.

Get back there and find out what's going on!

scarletforya Sun 23-Mar-14 09:38:38

Unreasonable not to tell you.

Lizzabadger Sun 23-Mar-14 09:40:44

I think you are dumped, mate.

Does your (ex-?) girlfriend use Mumsnet per chance?

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 23-Mar-14 11:09:07

OP, I agree with those that have said that she isn't coming.

Jolleigh Sun 23-Mar-14 15:20:30

However poorly behaved she's being, this is no longer about who's being unreasonable. She may have had the idea and allowed you to move with the best of intentions, but she's certainly had a change of heart since. If I had to put money on it, I'd say she's met someone else. As another poster said, those who've done something wrong are generally the first to point the finger. Even if that's not the case, she's leaving you. She's being very clear that she wants no financial ties with you...after 7 years together, she should know it's not about the money, which unfortunately means that the money is a big thing for her. Most definitely bigger than your relationship.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation but my advice is to move yourself closer to your kids, say as little to her as you must to get this done, see your children away from her and see how she reacts to the change of pace.

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 15:30:29

YANBU

I feel really bad for you.

It's absolutely ridiculous what she's doing, she's stringing you along and being manipulative whilst she's doing it - not accepting that she's the one in the wrong and trying to turn you into the bad guy.

I would see her face to face.

aintnothinbutagstring Sun 23-Mar-14 17:36:13

It sounds like she is comfortable where she is and has changed her mind re moving. A person is allowed to backtrack and change their mind however she should be more explicit in this and tell you of her intentions. I would suggest you talk about contact arrangements re your children.

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 17:36:56

I'm just reading through the comments and can't help but feel people would have shown more sympathy and been nicer had a woman posted this.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 17:51:34

Just a couple of things, I am not on here to oust her, she doesn't use or probably know about this site and all I was after was a woman's perspective as I know very little and in my line of work, I don't feel to be taken the mick out of. Especially as I am finding this situation hard enough as it is.
I don't want to lose her and yes, importantly, be separated from my girls.
If it was me that was being unreasonable, and I am sure you lot would let me know, then I would re-evaluate how I'm approaching the situations.

You may feel that this is an unusual please to "air my dirty laundry", but given the situation, I have nothing to loose.

We have been speaking today, but still going round in circles. If you have been with someone for many years, and only want the best for the family, what reasons would you not want to commit?

If for example, her mother is putting her oar in, is there a subtle way of defusing that element? Or am I guessing I am likely to get shot in the foot?

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Mar-14 17:53:39

On the face of it, OP I'd say you've been 'had'.

Do you think she ever had any intention of moving with you? Because it doesn't look like it.

Has she ever contributed financially?

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 17:59:11

to be fair, I may put todays conversation online for all of sundry to read to find out if it's me or not. I really have nothing to hide, I have very little in the way of family and my mother is refusing to talk to me as if I chosen to stay with her... so I may have nothing to lose?

Supercosy Sun 23-Mar-14 17:59:11

What does she say when you ask her directly? Have you actually said to her "you're not coming are you?" or words to that effect? I think in your situation I would move back closer to your girls and assume it's over. It sounds like she has treated you very badly and sent you on a wild goose chase. It must be really upsetting and frustrating but I just cannot concieve of a person behaving like this if they genuinely wanted to build a life with someone else.

InsertAwesomeNickname Sun 23-Mar-14 18:00:01

Can't hurt op

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 19:37:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InsertAwesomeNickname Sun 23-Mar-14 19:53:59

Stop texting and have it out face to face. You've also named your wife now so she is very identifiable in RL. I think you should report for editing or deletion.

CoteDAzur Sun 23-Mar-14 20:01:03

You need to stop naming your wife and daughters on here.

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 20:02:48

This all seems a bit hmm It's just how you text and she's all like 'bby i luv u xx'

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 20:03:20

Don't know why I love u but shit I do love u my boy <3 always did xxxx just arrive at supermarket now x I love u since our first kisssmile I'm in love with u still ;) xxxxx

This sounds like a teenager.

CoteDAzur Sun 23-Mar-14 20:05:50

So you moved, your wife didn't. And she doesn't seem to want to move. She has kept the girls.

Who is paying the rent of the apartment she is living in right now? In whose name is the bail? (rental contract)

I also think that she may have met someone.

ViviPru Mon 24-Mar-14 00:01:14

Now I'm sure I read the OP in it's original incarnation when it was first posted and there was no texts included like in Nursey's post. I don't remember it containing details of names before MNHQ edited. I'm really confused, have I missed something?

MexicanSpringtime Mon 24-Mar-14 04:09:50

Sounds like a toxic MIL to me, but maybe I am wrong.

GhettoPrincess001 Mon 24-Mar-14 05:42:28

So go back to her. You will have to vacate when your lease expires anyway.

Say, 'you were hesitant about coming north so I have come home to you. Now, where shall we start looking in this district ?'

Ask her outright, but in a quiet appropriate moment, 'do you like us being together as a family ?'

If she prefers being at home with mum and gran and they are just loving having the children there 24/7, she might have lost track of what family really is.

Get back to her area (never mind who said what) and get reacquainted with YOUR CHILDREN.

Sorry, but reasoning with her just isn't working. You are going to have to be a man about this.

She's reluctant. She won't reason with you on the adult level. I wonder why she's sceptical. Sorry, but she also needs to grow up.

She won't really answer your questions, especially about committing. She's got her support network i.e. mum and gran.

Why is she so protective of her money ? She's no confidence investing it in the family future has she ?

Why is she so envious of your former girlfriends after all this time ?

Your family don't like her. Her family are in no rush to see your relationship flourish.

I see a train wreck approaching.

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