Aarrgghh Bloody Kids <<fumes>>;

(105 Posts)
LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 15:24:25

DD (8) has a friend over today.

So far they have smashed the glass shelf in the bathroom, shouted "fart" and "poo" out the window at the next door neighbour and pulled the towel rail off the wall in the downstairs loo.

But the crowning glory was the decision to jump off the garden table onto the giant outdoor beanbag, splitting it and making me have to spend the last hour chasing round the garden trying to get as many polystyrene balls as possible.

I'm furious. DD has NEVER been like this. I am SO pissed off with her.

Two hours till the friend goes home and I can't even have a beer.

AARRGGHHH angry

LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 15:25:47

Oh, the AIBU

AIBU to say "NO WAY NEVER AGAIN" - it's DDs birthday next weekend, she was supposed to be having a cinema & sleepover with 2 friends. AIBU to cancel?

MrsDavidBowie Sat 22-Mar-14 15:26:46

I would be phoning mother of child to collect asap and sitting them both in separate rooms with nothing to do but reflect on their behaviour. After they have picked up the beanbag stuff.

PumpkinPie2013 Sat 22-Mar-14 15:28:17

Goodness me YANBU - I'd be furious too!!!

What is her friend usually like?

Can you take friend home early? I'd be having very strong words and no friends round next week (or indeed for a good while) birthday or no birthday!

Bloody hell Eve that's appalling.

Not sure I'd cancel the birthday treat but I would be getting the friend picked up asap and disciplining my own child by whatever means make her realise that actions have consequences.

LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 15:31:14

Mother was going to the pub to watch the footie. I've got to drive kid home, hence no beer for me.

Can't get any more of the balls. Bloody garden looks like it's been snowing (it's really windy here today). DH has had a go with the garden leaf vac thing, but it won't work.

I'm worried for the birds/wildlife. Will it harm them? You can't recycle polystyrene can you? Wonder why not.

LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 15:45:18

I don't really know this friend. She's new to the school and DD has been playing with her for a couple of months. I didn't like her at first from things DD said, but as ever with kids, within weeks they became friends.

I don't want to blame her, DD is equally at fault, but we've NEVER had this sort of play from other friends.

Why are3n't the girls cleaning up the polystyrene?

Finola1step Sat 22-Mar-14 15:53:43

The girls need to be sorting out the garden.

Do not have this girl over again. Your dd can choose who she wants to play with at school, but you do not have to tolerate such behaviour from either of them in your own home.

As for the sleepover, I would let it happen after some very strong words and contrition from dd.

LeBearPolar Sat 22-Mar-14 15:59:08

I maybe wouldn't cancel the birthday plans but I would identify some appropriate consequences for her actions today, so:

DD and friend spending the rest of the afternoon clearing up the polystyrene.
Cost of fixing glass shelf and towel rail out of DD's pocket money.
DD and friend writing a note of apology for rudeness to neighbour.

LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 16:14:18

FFS. We've just had water tipped down the stairs.

I've blown. Shouted at them both - one more peep out of them and friend goes home early, DD goes to bed.

I don't fucking believe this. I don't think I can have this girl here again, whether it's her fault or not, DD is obviously horrible around her. We've never had any issues with other friends - the worst was just frustration at a fussy eater. I actually miss that one.

DD will def get punished once friend has gone - should I say something to mother? I don't know her, met her for the first time on Fri. She has text twice since friend has been here (since 10) but both times I said they were OK. At that stage only the shelf had broken and I assumed it was an accident.

I would text the mother and say that they are obv not good together so you will be dropping her home early.

And I would make them pick up the polystyrene.

It sounds a nightmare.

StinkyElfCheese Sat 22-Mar-14 16:55:08

We have also had the new neighbours 8yr old dd round.....my good its been hard work theres shouting tears, storming off sillyness, silly words making up ryhmes, raiding the cubords drawers and fridge..... we had enough and sent them of to her house to play for a bit

CorrieDale Sat 22-Mar-14 16:57:09

Blimey! You are a saint! I'd have had that child home after the beanbag incident, and my child would be going to bed early after doing a long list of chores. I'd be reluctant to cancel the birthday treat but, by golly, she'd have to put some work in to earn it. Starting with mending the beanbag. And paying for the shelf from her birthday money.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Mar-14 17:00:33

Jesus I'd have them on the couch now in front of the TV and tell them not to move

Yes, tell the mother absolutely everything

007licencetostandonamolehill Sat 22-Mar-14 17:02:02

Take the child to the pub and return her to her mum. Explain its been a very hard play date and apologise for the early return.

LaGuardia Sat 22-Mar-14 17:03:19

What were you doing when they were wrecking the house and abusing the neighbours? Do you live in one of the mansions in Hampstead?

Mintymoomoo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:10:32

Why are you in the garden picking up the balls?? They should be doing it! I agree with other poster I would be telephoning the parent to come and collect and explain to her what has been going on, I would also be cancelling the sleepover as a punishment

Littlefish Sat 22-Mar-14 17:10:49

Text the mother. Tell her that things are to going well and you need to bring her daughter back now. Then tell her face to face what has happened.

Until you hear back from her, put the girls in the same room as you with some pens and paper and nothing else. Have an incredibly firm word with them both about how completely unacceptable this behavior is.

Do not put up with any more of this.

Littlefish Sat 22-Mar-14 17:11:12

not going well

Bloody hell Eve are they possessed or something??

Definitely tell the mum. I'd want to know.

There would be serious consequences for that behaviour in our house. If it was me I could cancel sleepover and stick to cinema, with perhaps pizza afterwards. And I would NEVER have that other child in the house again, or allow my child to their house.

TheNewSchmoo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:21:20

Well it seems like there is no consequence for their appalling behaviour, so they are continuing to run riot.

I world have taken the child home after the second incident when it became clear that the first want an accident.

Is DH just merrily standing by and allowing this too?

TheNewSchmoo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:21:50

*Wasn't

bebows Sat 22-Mar-14 17:26:44

Maybe get off the internet and supervise

I know it's radical and a bit shocking but needs must smile

PunkrockerGirl Sat 22-Mar-14 18:57:22

They are 8 not 2. I think OP could reasonably expect them to play nicely without constant supervision.

LtEveDallas Sat 22-Mar-14 19:31:33

She's gone now (well I took her home at 530). Couldn't take her earlier because I didn't know where mum was going, just that she was off to watch the footie at a pub. The footie finished at 5, I took her home half hour later.

They are 9 and nearly 9 (one week away), they shouldn't need supervising to that extent. They were together from 10am.

I couldn't tell mum in the end. She was half cut and I didn't see the point. I told her that it hadn't been a good day and that I'd talk to her tomorrow. There was no point in going into detail when she probably wouldn't remember it.

DD was sent straight to tidy her room and is now in bed - 2 hours earlier than usual. She knows I am pissed off and that I am reconsidering next weekend.

I'm still mad. DH is going to try and fix the towel rail tomorrow but half the bloody wall came away with it. Hopeful I'll be able to get a shelf fm homebase.

The beanbag is fucked, can't be fixed so that's £50 down the drain.

What a bloody day.

WitchWay Sat 22-Mar-14 19:37:10

Sounds appalling - was the mother safe to have the child back if she was pissed? Was there anyone else there?

What is the beanbag made from? Could it be patched on the inside? Is there an inner bag - if not, sounds like a pocket-money job to me.

Finola1step Sat 22-Mar-14 19:38:05

Blimey Eve. Poor you, have a wine

I do find it interesting that the girl's mum texted you at least twice fairly early on to see if all was ok. Suggests that this situation might not be news to her...

purplebaubles Sat 22-Mar-14 19:42:42

Wow. You have some patience! They wouldn't have made it past the smashed glass shelf before I'd have had enough hmm and they'd have both known about it. They're 9? Wow. Just wow!

DumbPluck Sat 22-Mar-14 20:09:57

Had a similar situation a couple of weeks ago at DD's 9th birthday sleepover, her 'friend' was a demon child from hell, incredibly cheeky, refused to join in any game I had planned , throwing hissy fits, crying because she wasn't having fun, Hid from us, I genuinely thought she'd gone home on her own.. (she was hiding behind a curtain, she thought it was hilarious when we found her) ... we didn't have the heart to ring her Gran (her guardian. The child's dm fucked off to Australia and her father passed away years ago, which is where the bad behavior stems from I believe, both parents had drug issues) The gran doesn't have alot time to her self, and she was saying how much she was looking forward to going out for food with an old friend and drinks afterwards.
I didn't have the chance to tell the gran the next day that her Dgd had been a complete nightmare.. 2 months later I haven't seen her up the school either, somebody else has been picking the kid up.. This child was my dd's bff , She came across as a controlling bully , she was so bossy, and wasn't happy unless the gang were doing what she wanted.
It is probably very wrong of me to say this, but I've told my dd to avoid this friend , she is bad influence.

diddl Sat 22-Mar-14 20:17:22

No they shouldn't need supervising but after the first incident it was obvious that they couldn't be trusted!

Cuxibamba Sat 22-Mar-14 20:18:51

Wow. I'd take the £50 from DD?

diddl Sat 22-Mar-14 20:19:25

As for daughters bday-have two friends already been invited?

If so, it's not really fair on those invited to cancel imo.

Forgettable Sat 22-Mar-14 20:20:17

Nightmare!

Don't bother with that child again, dd not to go to her house in reciprocation even. Tell the parent if they ask - stuff was broken, expensive or impossible to repair, sorry to say the child is not welcome in future.

No to a sleepover next week, cinema with two friends is plenty.

I think I'd be making DD pick up every last polystyrene ball (unless you believe she was completely innocent).

We have a rule in our house that whatever mess (not destruction) happens on a play date gets cleaned up by the DC afterward. So if they've had every last toy out as part of an epic play session then they have to pack it all away again after their guest leaves. I've noticed that they are now a little more discerning about who they choose to invite over and a little more assiduous about telling friends 'let's clean up X before we go and jump on the trampoline' wink.

Hope you're having that beer now smile.

YouTheCat Sat 22-Mar-14 20:22:52

I'd still do the cinema but no way would I be having anyone sleeping over.

And tell your dd you'll be having half of her birthday money for repairs.

ChoudeBruxelles Sat 22-Mar-14 20:22:53

I would be livid and would have phoned friends parents to collect her and made them sit silently while you waited for parents to collect

starlight1234 Sat 22-Mar-14 20:34:01

OMG...Shocking behaviour...

Appalling behaviour by both children by the sounds of it...Yes I do think you need to cancel sleepover..It is a lesson to her and her friends...

I think your daughter if doesn't normally behave this way when she has friends over then you have to teach her a lesson in knowing her own mind and what it right and wrong.

Your child clearly shouldn't need that level of supervision but I do agree with that kind of behaviour you should of got them in the same room..What was there response when you spoke /Shouted at them?

youarewinning Sat 22-Mar-14 20:34:05

shock

Im impressed you survived the day. I agree with others that DD needs to pay repairs. It'll make her think twice about how chooses her friends which is a good life lesson.

I wouldn't cancel birthday treat though. I suspect she won't let it happen again.

PunkrockerGirl Sat 22-Mar-14 22:16:00

What a horrible day for you. Hope the rest of your weekend is bettersmile

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 08:27:52

I didn't come back to this yesterday because I would have just ended up ranting. Had a vodka and immersed myself in NCIS instead.

DD is up and subdued this morning. But I haven't decided what to do. The sleepover is pretty much ALL she has talked about for weeks because it is her first one. Yesterday's child and one other were coming, am thinking today about making it just the other child.

Can't fix the beanbag, it's some kind of waterproof nylon stuff and really thick. The split went from one side to another (maybe a metre) and half the poly balls immediately disappeared - it was very windy.

I don't know what to do really, mum seems nice from what little I know of her, but her DD is definitely a little wild.

I'm still blaming DD too, but I do think there was a lot of egging on. At one point yesterday's child 'dared' DD to come to me and say she hated me, but I just laughed and said "double dares go back" which confused them both!

Arrggh. Was easier when I was angry tbh.

diddl Sun 23-Mar-14 08:49:33

I do understand about the egging on, but when it got to breaking stuff your daughter could have said no to the girl or come to you for help rather than going along with it.

I think if the girl from yesterday is invited no to the sleepover.

Does she know that she's invited?

If so & she's uninvited that's certainly a punishment for her.

Then where's the punishment for your daughter-she still gets cinema & sleepover!!

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 09:10:06

Well the punishment for DD could be not getting one of her birthday presents - ie for the cost of the beanbag.

But yeah, I just don't know.

The shelf I put down to an accident, they were in the bathroom 'styling' dolls hair. I didn't actually know what happened because I scooted them out v quickly and set to clearing the glass. DD has since explained what happened and it sounds accidental.

The beanbag was def deliberate - but I supose they weren't to know it would split. The towel rail was pushing down on it to lift themselves up, again deliberate and stupid, but they didn't know it would break.

DD is saying that it was all the friend, but I don't believe her, I do think it was both.

Friend does know about the sleepover, as does other friend. I don't want to go overboard, they were all excited about it.

DH thinks I should do pictures then food at a new American diner close by, then they don't need to come to the house at all. But I feel sad for DD and other friend. I'm not feeling too charitable to yesterday's friend, but again I shouldn't blame just her.

I may wait and see what what mum thinks when I talk to her today. Although that may be by text, like I said I don't really know her.

When I blew yesterday I was all "RIGHT that's IT and if you think you are having a sleepover now you can think again". Kneejerk.

purplebaubles Sun 23-Mar-14 09:24:19

If you've already told her that, and then you let her have the sleepover anyway, what kind of message is that sending? confused

I would say, you've blown up and said no sleepover, no sleepover it is!

Besides, you've tolerated far more poor behaviour already than i ever would! You sound like a little bit of a pushover to me - sorry!

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 09:33:23

But then surely that is punishing the other child too, who didn't do anything wrong (and tbh I was worried that she was being 'pushed out' by the new friend).

It's a bloody minefield.

I do hear what you are saying about backtracking, but I can explain that to DD and offer another punishment.

SapphireMoon Sun 23-Mar-14 09:33:54

Will go back and read thread properly in a minute. However, from what I have read I am with your dh on this. Cinema, meal and home.
With your dd say if she proves herself responsible with friends she may get a sleepover on her 10th birthday.
Can say the same to 2 girls and their parents too.
She still gets a birthday treat but has a whole year to earn the privilege of a sleepover.

WitchOfEndor Sun 23-Mar-14 09:43:35

Difficult but I think it should be a no to the sleepover. Not just because you have already said so, but because you don't want anything like that happening on her birthday and ruining it. Think your DH is right, pictures and a treat but no to them coming back to the house ever again

PossumPoo Sun 23-Mar-14 09:52:33

The other child going to the sleepover isn't your concern. Your DD behaved badly and needs to see the consequences. At it's a good lesson to the other DC to behave at your house too!

SapphireMoon Sun 23-Mar-14 09:58:20

Easy decision I think.
Don't stress op. Just no sleepover. She should be grateful still getting birthday treat. [Expect a tantrum and ignore/ say think yourself lucky still having treat at all].

saintmerryweather Sun 23-Mar-14 09:58:25

Can you take them all out and just have the other child to sleep over? Explain that you dont want the one from today to sleep over because you cant trust them to behave

HermioneWeasley Sun 23-Mar-14 09:58:33

If you've said no to a sleepover then you need to stick to your word. And I would reduce the gifts to pay for the damage. At 9 she needs to understand consequences - you're doing her no favours if not.

diddl Sun 23-Mar-14 09:58:54

I agree that it should be no to the sleepover as you threatened it.

Pictures & food for the 3(?) sounds more than enough imo.

When we had sleepovers for bdays it was always dvds & food at home.
(in pjs which they thought was fantastic!)

It is sad for the other girl who wasn't involved yesterday, but she'll still be going to the pics & eating out!

Balaboosta Sun 23-Mar-14 10:02:01

I don't understand where you were while all this was happening or why you haven't told the other mum straight away. You sound very indecisive and this is dragging on. There is no way this other child should be involved in the treat next week. Don't stop the treat. There are other ways to get the message to your daughter that the behaviour was unacceptable.

Catsmamma Sun 23-Mar-14 10:03:22

So...this wild child is going to be allowed back to your home, with the reward of a film and dinner AND with another child to bend to her will??

Yeah....good luck with that!

Your dd KNOWS their behaviour yesterday was appalling, she should have know better....yes, even at nine she should and does know better.

I'd certainly cancel the sleepover, and probably the party.

A broken shelf, a broken towel rail and wall damage, hooliganism in the garden, abuse out of the windows and water down the stair, and that ws two of them

...give them a box of matches next week see how well that works out.

Balaboosta Sun 23-Mar-14 10:04:05

Sorry I've lost track of whether you've said no to the treat or not. But the main thing is to communicate with your child.

gobbin Sun 23-Mar-14 10:04:06

There is no way on God's earth the child from yesterday would be staying overnight in my house. Absolutely no way.

Your DD is old enough to talk through what happened yesterday and why. What consequences does SHE think should come out of it? (Put some onus on her to consider what the consequences should be, as clearly there should be something). Taking ownership of the behaviour in this way can work with some children.

If she denies it or tries to push all the blame onto her friend then you have to make the 'consequences' decision for her, which in my house would be cinema and no sleepover - a compromise between not ruining the birthday, not having wild child over, yet making a stand.

softlysoftly Sun 23-Mar-14 10:04:17

I wouldn't cancel sleepover, i'm not so solid on the "never go back" on threats as I think kids of an age can know when they have pushed you into a kneejefk reaction.

Instead sit her down, say sleepover can go ahead but:

A - Cost of beanbag is coming out of her pocket money at £x per month

B - one tiny show of the behaviour from her OR friend and she will be going straight home

C - how disappointed you were, not to let you down again

Then I would make it really clear to both the mother and the other child when they drop off for the party that is what will be happening so if she goes out and gets pissed then she's still getting her kid back if she acts up (perhaps a little more diplomatically than that!

CrabbySpringyBottom Sun 23-Mar-14 10:05:31

After that behaviour there is no way whatsoever I would have that child over for a sleepover. If the pair of them managed all that in daylight whilst you were awake, wtf do you think they're going to get up to at night! shock

I would either...
Uninvite the child from the birthday sleepover and explain to the mother why. If she takes offence and the child doesn't hang out with your DD so much any more, then from what you've said that would be a fine outcome.

Or if you're concerned about annoying/offending the other mother/child, then do something different for the birthday treat which doesn't involve the child coming to yours.

If you don't cancel the sleepover then there needs to be a big consequence for your DD, imo.

CambridgeBlue Sun 23-Mar-14 10:06:48

I would definitely be knocking next week's sleepover on the head. Your DD is old enough to know that actions have consequences and I think if you're strict this time it could make her think twice before acting up in the future. Sounds harsh but that's what you get for behaving so thoughtlessly.

diddl Sun 23-Mar-14 10:07:29

"So...this wild child is going to be allowed back to your home, with the reward of a film and dinner AND with another child to bend to her will??"

Well you could say the same about OPs daughter really, maybe minus the last part.

Perhaps the party should be completely cancelled?

What was the explanation for shouting out the window and water down the stairs?

I'll be honest, though.

I hate that the children are seen as the "bad" ones whilst their Carers, the Mum (who seems nice but you don't know, yet she will let her DD spend the day in a persons house who she hardly knows, whilst she gets half cut) and the poor put upon Nan, in another case, who obviously isn't getting her GD, who is the real victim of her parents drug use and pudding off, the support that she needs.

The parents/Carers should always be told and be made to take action.

Likewise you have to teach your own children to set their own boundaries and stand up to the influence if others, this may involve punishment, or rather a lesson in cause and effect.

RalphGnu Sun 23-Mar-14 10:13:50

I wouldn't let one day of bad behaviour cancel out what I'm presuming has been a good year, so I woudn't cancel the sleepover. She's just a child and it's her birthday. But I would explain that if anything like that happens again, her friends will be sent straight home and their mothers know this.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 23-Mar-14 10:14:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

"Pissing off" that should of been and actions/consequences.

Catsmamma Sun 23-Mar-14 10:15:41

diddl....I would cancel the party!

And I'd get dd to explain why to the other child.

Supercosy Sun 23-Mar-14 10:19:23

I would cancel the sleepover. That behaviour was appalling from both girls. Can you imagine how horrible it would be to have her overnight. I'd do the other birthday but just say you showed you and your friend couldn't be trusted so you have to earn that trust back. There have to be consequences.

diddl Sun 23-Mar-14 10:19:34

"I wouldn't let one day of bad behaviour cancel out what I'm presuming has been a good year, "

That's a good point.

But I certainly wouldn't want the other girl staying over.

Sounds as if her & OPs daughter can't be trusted together.

And if the other invited girl is as easily led as OPs daughter...

Supercosy Sun 23-Mar-14 10:19:59

Sorry I mean the other birthday treats.

youarewinning Sun 23-Mar-14 10:25:51

If you've said sleepover cancelled then you have to follow through. Simple explanation that so much was broken during daytime and your not risking it happening at night when they are even more hyper and tired and you may be asleep.

Yes, the other child misses out but it's another reason your DD is unlikely to be so thoughtless - she won't want to have explain that sort of behaviour to friends again!

Once your DD has paid off the damage then she can have a sleepover. Sort of something positive to work towards at the end of this mess. Be that in a month or a few months.

I get that children don't becessairly think through their actions before they act - but at 9yo they are able to realise what 'may' happen and how to treat things carefully.

FWiW my best friends DD is a nightmare and used to jump on all sorts, treat all sorts badly. I used to put this stuff in my room when they visited and have the minimal out. One day the Dd asked me where X Y and Z were. I told her they were put away because she didn't listen when asked to treat them nicely. My friend was NOT impressed as her DD was just playing and didn't understand they could get broken hmm. My simple reply was "she does because I've told her, she just chooses not to listen and if she doesn't understand then you can understand why I won't have stuff she can break out!"

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 10:32:37

Woah, ok, either people aren't RTFT or projecting wildly here. I don't need the sarcasm - I'm not an AIBU wallflower likely to crumble under the strength of your wit, seriously grin

Broken shelf was at the start of the day and I believe it was an accident. I am not punishing for that.

Shouting was middayish and was dealt with at the time.

Beanbag was around 2pm. Took about an hour to clear as much as I could. That is actually my biggest concern because I am worried about the wildlife from the balls I just couldn't/can't get. We have free range rabbits and my biggest fear was it getting into their pen.

The towel rail came off the wall in the afternoon and the water was poured about an hour and a half before play date was due to end.

I was in the house and around all day. DD and friend were either in bedroom, bathroom, playroom or garden. No, I wasn't supervising every minute - at their age I shouldn't have to and never have had to previously.

I couldn't get mum to pickup earlier, she was out. I didn't tell her straight away as she was drunk, not reeling, but not sober. I am going to phone her at about 11 - I know that her DD goes to Sunday School at 10, I don't know if mum is a churchgoer or just takes her there.

I am worried about cancelling sleepier completely as 2nd friend (not here yesterday) was also looking forward to it and is already feeling left out by DD. I know her mum very well and DD likes her a lot - yesterdays friend is new and yesterday was a 'practice' solely because I didn't know her.

I am DEFINATELY not having yesterday's friend here again for sleepover and DD knows that. But I may not cancel completely. I need to speak to yesterday's mum. Yesterday's friend is new to the school and area, I have no idea what they are like. I only met mum for the first time on Fri (I don't do school run) and only knew yesterday's friend from DD talking about her.

Hope that clears some things up.

SapphireMoon Sun 23-Mar-14 10:39:35

I think you should still have the cinema/ meal out.
I think cancelling sleepover for all children shows consequences to your daughter. She will learn because she will be disappointed. However, still gets birthday celebration.
Your call though op....

ICanSeeTheSun Sun 23-Mar-14 10:44:06

I would cancel the cinema rather than the sleepover and the other child not invited.

SapphireMoon Sun 23-Mar-14 10:46:44

But it is children in the house where dd needs to learn to be responsible....

ZenNudist Sun 23-Mar-14 11:14:18

As long as new friend is not invited that shows consequences to her as well as your dd having a scaled back party. In your shoes I wouldn't worry about other child missing out, I'd just make sure there is a firm punishment for this behaviour. Nip it in the bud now, you wouldn't want dd going over to someone's house and behaving like this would you ?

youarewinning Sun 23-Mar-14 11:22:56

I'm floundering back and forth in my decisions here! I keep changing my mind - no wonder the OP is struggling.

Two things spring to mind - if OP cancels sleepover for new friend it sends the message to OPs DD that new friend is more at fault iyswim? However if OPs DD is paying for damage and new friend isn't I guess carrying on with sleepover means each child gets a punishment - just different ones.

FWIW when DS has previously been involved in bad behaviour at others houses it's not been him instigating it. He's as much at fault for joining in but I guess if the hosts DC doesn't set a precedent even though he may feel a behaviour is wrong he won't necessarily realise how wrong. I've also known hosts DC try and get DS to do things and him refuse and therefore they haven't done it iyswim?

I hate all this " it must be visiting child's fault because my DC hasn't done it on previous playdates" children rarely carry out such behaviour alone.

SapphireMoon Sun 23-Mar-14 11:34:11

I have cancelled sleepover due to chaos after friend coming round.
Affected another child too. Told 'innocent' child's mother that until my ds proves he can behave sensibly when friends round, sleep overs not happening. Was accepted as sensible decision.
Ds was cross but told to button it as other birthday treats may disappear.
He sucked it up and had great birthday going out to cinema and meal [sound familiar op?!] and will hold off from sleepovers for as long as possible for my sanity!

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 12:31:42

Right Ok, I have now spoken to yesterday's mum and Friend2's mum.

Didn't go great with yesterday's mum. She said she will punish yesterday friend, but that I am overreacting to accidents. Apparently the beanbag must be faulty to break that easy, but she will punish for that. The insults were 'just kids being kids' and I am uptight (fair enough, I probably am). The water was DD (but dd says it was friend so...)

I have tactfully said that I was knocking the sleepover on the head because the girls are 'obviously better school friends than home friends' and I didn't think they were a good combination when together.

When I mentioned the cinema she said she would take her DD herself, so that way the girls can still be together. I said I would welcome that.

Friend2 will still be having cinema and sleepover. After talking to her mum I didn't have the heart to cancel and whilst a fussy eater (cue next weeks thread about me worrying she will starve!) she is a lovely girl.

DDs punishment was going to bed 2 hours early yesterday, the cancellation of something we were doing together today and, importantly, the loss of the main present she has asked for, for her birthday.

She is really upset, proper tears rather than tantrum tears, but understands and accepts it. Whereas I feel like a Grade A bitch.

Finola1step Sun 23-Mar-14 12:40:22

You've done the right thing.

No surprise really that yesterday's mum has responded in the way she has. Minimising her dd's behaviour, blaming faulty bean bag etc. No wonder the child struggles with boundaries. hoiks bosom

If it was my child damaging other people's belongings, I would be mortified. I would be insisting on paying for a replacement (with a contribution from dc's pocket money). And as for the general cheek and rudeness!

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 12:49:02

If I am to be charitable, which I do generally try to be, she has a point in that the damages were as a result of stupidity rather than intent, but she won't accept that either dd could be responsible for the other stuff (and I found something else, minor, this morning that DD says was the other one) whereas I can. She is adamant that they weren't her DD, because her DD says they weren't. But there is nothing I can do about that.

I don't want to ban DD from being friends with her or anything, nor do I want to stop what will hopefully be a friendship between yesterday's child and Friend2 (because we leave the area this year). I do find it frustrating though.

survivingthechildren Sun 23-Mar-14 13:01:40

Sounds fair Dallas. Although the incidents were a result of silly, high strung behaviour, rather that deliberate intent to smash shit up, at 9 years old you would know that such behaviour is not on.

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about how other people handle their children even though if it had been my child who acted like that at your house, I would have dropped like a tonne of bricks. (Mortifyingly, I have had to deal with a few incidents were my DC have acted up at a friend's place...) I think chalk this up as a tough lesson - no more invites home for that girl.

And although I doubt your DD will be trying such behaviour anytime soon, she should earn the privilege of friends visiting back. I also do a 30 second drive by of the rules for my younger ones beofre friends come over, just to be sure!

Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 13:16:34

I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident. Why didn't they clear up the garden? Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Why no consequences?

newsecretidentity Sun 23-Mar-14 13:18:59

New friend's mum thinks you're over-reacting to the girls shouting rude words at the neighbor? I'm inclined to disagree.

Personally, if I caught my DD doing that, she'd either be writing an apology card or better yet, hauled over to the neighbor's doorstep to apologize in person.

Likewise, if a child dared my DD to come and tell me she hated me, that would be the kid's last visit to my house. Maybe her mum feels that it's kids being kids, but I don't know any children who are allowed to behave like that.

gobbin Sun 23-Mar-14 14:20:55

OP you are waaaay too patient. I would've been spitting bricks after incident 2 and a serious bollocking to both would've been had.

Put it this way, my son's playmate across the road had similar lax boundaries at home but knew mine (as a single example- she took food from my fridge/cupboard with DS standing watching which was accompanied by a stiff word and was never repeated). When they lost a ball in the front tree and she threw a stone to dislodge it, the stone fell on my car and shattered the back window. She knew the pair of them were in for a complete bollocking and ran home. My house, my rules. Don't care whose child it is, they all get the same!

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 14:49:55

Loggle, please RTFT, I have answered that a couple of times.

Newsecret, I did make DD apologise to neighbour, he was fine about it, but I was embarassed.

Gobbin, I didn't feel I could do that with this kid. If it was Friend2, no problem but yesterday's friend is new and I didn't know her or her mother.

Well DD has been v quiet today, done her homework and lots of reading. She's under no illusion about how naughty I think she was.

youarewinning Sun 23-Mar-14 15:36:04

That seems like a fair outcome Dallas.

I commented ^^upthread about a friend and her DD and similar. These children have real socialisation issues because no one ever holds them accountable. She is also one who believes her child because her child says so - and therefore is never in the wrong because she always denies fault!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I hope your Dd enjoys her birthday treat - something tells me she'll behave like an angel wink

Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 15:51:06

I have RTFT and the only explanation you've given about the fucking beanbag balls is that you picked them up because you were worried about The Environment. This does not explain why the girls didn't spend time picking them up. Perhaps they had to crack on with throwing water?

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 23-Mar-14 16:27:42

Oh poor you sounds ghastly. Glad you've come to a decision about the sleepover flowers

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 16:31:19

Loggle, you said

Add message | Report | Message poster Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 13:16:34
I find it strange that you let this continue past the second incident
I believed at the time that the first incident (the shelf) was an accident, and after talking to DD I am happy that it was. The second incident was the shouting at the neighbour, taken to task at the time and I wouldn't have sent her home just for that.

Why didn't they clear up the garden? They did try to help, but the balls were blowing all over the garden (extremely windy day and a couple of million polystyrene balls) and two giggling dizzy girls were no help at all - I sent them inside because I was angry, worried and too busy trying to get as many as possible. They are still there today, it's ridiculous.

Why didn't the arrangement finish early? Because I knew mum wasn't at home and I knew she wouldn't/couldn't drive. I didn't know where she was going to be, only that she'd be at home after the footie.

Why no consequences? Early bedtime, loss of friend at sleepover, loss of activity today and loss of special toy on birthday.

There really isn't the need for the sarcasm. The water was the final straw, yes.

Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 16:37:14

Well, if everything was fine and little hiccups dealt with immediately then you all had a fabulous day.

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 16:47:19

No it was a terrible day Loggle, and pretty bad today too. DD is upset and disappointed and I feel like a major shit. Roll on tomorrow eh?

Suefla62 Sun 23-Mar-14 16:54:38

LtEveDallas (great name, love the books too) give yourself a pat on the back. You did a great job. Yes you feel like shit but that's part of the job of being a parent. In a couple of days you'll feel better but your DC will have learned a valuable lesson.

CrabbySpringyBottom Sun 23-Mar-14 18:00:12

Eve don't let Loggle wind you up, she's being arsey. wink

I think you've given her some pretty full on consequences, especially the loss of the present (which is fine, btw - that will totally have got it across to her that their behaviour was waaaaaaay out of line).

What's the present (apologies if you said this already, did scroll back but could see mention of what it is)?

If you're feeling really bad about the b'day present, could you get it for her anyway and then make it really clear on the day that as a one-off, you decided to make the thinking that she isn't going to get it the punishment (because she accepted the punishment without argument), but that if it ever happens again, she really won't get it. For some kids that would send a 'oh well she won't go through with the punishment so I can get away with it' message, but for other kids, not so - you know your own DD.

Supercosy Sun 23-Mar-14 18:13:53

Well done Eve I think you've handled it really well. Well done especially for telling the mum about the behaviour from yesterday, that's a difficult thing to do but for god's sake if anyone told me Dd had had ANY part in behaviour like that I would be really shocked and angry with her. I'm sorry but if she thinks you're over reacting then she has very low standards of behaviour for her Dcs.

I know it's hard not to feel upset about your Dd but the fact that she is upset about it means that the consequence will probably be very effective. It's not unkind, she behaved very badly and rudely and needs to accept this. I'm also very glad you don't have to have other girl over for a sleepover...that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 18:15:10

I'm not being arsey, I'm being confused. I wasn't the only one wondering why the children continued to have the opportunity to be badly behaved. Surely you'd get them to play in the same room as you, so you could supervise them to prevent them shouting out of windows at the neighbours, standing on tables, playing with water, hanging off rails etc?

Logg1e Sun 23-Mar-14 18:16:19

That's also what we meant by, "where were the consequences?". Consequences to prevent further upsetting behaviour, not a punishment to spoil a birthday in one week's time.

newsecretidentity Sun 23-Mar-14 18:27:11

I know it feels shitty now, but in the end you'll be rewarded with a child who is welcome in other people's homes because she knows how to behave.

Misspixietrix Sun 23-Mar-14 18:31:54

YNBU. I think you're rather restrained actually. I would be taking said friend to the pub where Mother is sat watching the footie.

LtEveDallas Sun 23-Mar-14 18:44:16

Crabby, it's a guitar. Truth be told I'm rather relieved! Bad mum blush. No I won't get her one anyway, the beanbag was £50, the guitar was going to be £40. I think it's fair exchange (she has got other gifts btw, I'm not that awful, but she always has one 'main' present that she specifically wants, just not this year now). She has been told and understands exactly why. Lesson learned, I feel harsh but know it's right.

Loggle, the play date was for 7 hours, I couldn't have coped being in the same room as two giggling pre-teens for even half of that grin. They were playing in either DDs room, the playroom or the garden, oh and the bathroom first thing (when the shelf was broken). I did think your post was arsy too, so I'm happy to stand corrected smile

Ah OP, sounds like you have dealt with it well, especially with informing other mom, and uninviting her child from sleepover. The right thing to do, but oh so hard to do.

I think her response is very telling, probably not many consequences given out in their house. If that was my DD, I'd be mortified and wouldn't be able to apologise enough.

I have 9-11 year old girls on play dates for hours (sometimes days) on end. I let them do their own thing, mostly just see them when they are hungry. You should not need to closely supervise them at that age.

Chalk it down to experience. It will be a learning experience for your Dd too.

And don't feel like a bitch. You did what you need to do, you didn't go overboard - your DD is still getting a sleepover.

Bigpants1 Mon 24-Mar-14 02:35:52

LtEve, sounds like the play date from hell!
But, even though both girls behaved really badly, they are nine, & as you said, were being silly & egging each other on.
I absolutely agree there should be consequences, & your dd has had several. But the loss of her main birthday present? She went to bed early, lost out on activity today, & doesn't get the sleep-over. Fair enough. If you want her to pay for the bean bag, could she not give you some from her pocket money each week? It was your dd & her friend that broke it, but your dd is having to take full responsibility.
It is mean to take away her main present-it's her birthday, & a year is a long time to wait for another one. Even if you are relieved,(could have been worse-could have been a drum kit!), if she has lessons, she may learn to play really well.

Bigpants1 Mon 24-Mar-14 02:41:22

Sorry- just realised your dd is still getting sleep-over with one friend. Are there other consequences that you could use, without loss of main birthday present?

Thumbwitch Mon 24-Mar-14 03:05:05

I think your resolution to this situation is fine, Lt. Eve. You've given your DD the big consequence, losing her main present, which will stick with her far longer than losing her sleepover, and doesn't affect the other friend, who was clearly looking forward to the event.

It's a shame you said that she could think again about whether her sleepover was happening, but you've downscaled it and commuted it to losing her present, so it's not like she feels she's "got away with it".

I think as well though that you should now have her out in the garden trying to find and pick up as many of the remaining polystyrene balls, because they could still have an impact, and it is her fault they're out there. Just to really ram the message home - I'm a strong believer in consequences relating to the initial "offence" and think that it would really make her realise what an utter arse she was yesterday, and her friend too.

I would also say, just watch out with New Friend's mum, that she doesn't bring her DD to the cinema and then just peg off, leaving New Friend with you and the other 2.

MidniteScribbler Mon 24-Mar-14 06:38:49

OP I hate to tell you, but I had one of those bean bag things break in the pool once. We were finding beans for five years afterwards!! They will never go away completely, even when you think you have got them all!

LtEveDallas Mon 24-Mar-14 06:51:59

Thanks, well we did get some more balls yesterday but oh my God they are everywhere. We've kept them out of the rabbit pen so far but wherever you look you see a few. It's like confetti at a wedding, you think it's all gone then find it in your bra!

She seems ok this morning, her class has non-uniform today so she's happy about that. The guitar thing will prob come up again on Wed when she has her music lesson (cornet) but maybe we will revisit when we've moved. For now though she will go without.

Hopefully she will be ok at school. It's a hard year group, only 5 girls so could be hard if yesterday friend holds a grudge. DH will hav to cope with mum though if there is an issue. Good!

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