To go to a girls only kinky meet up? (I'm married)

(80 Posts)
StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:13:12

So there is a women only BDSM munch near me soon. I am going to ask/tell DH I am going to go tomorrow. Well, unless you lot tell me IABU! It is vanilla, so normal clothes, in a pub! It is just a place for kinky women to meet up to find friendship, they meet up once a month.

DH knows I am into submission and fetish stuff. When I say into I mean reading about it/bit of porn and I enjoy it the once every year or so we do have kinky sex. He is not really into it though..i doubt, he is quite vague on the subject.

Anyway, he is always talking about life passing him by and wanting to go and do more things but then just watches shit on TV and goes to work. We don't have that much sex, maybe once or twice a month (one of those often being a quickie). I want to go out and meet more people and live life a bit more before we try for kids in a few years time. I will never cheat on him, ever, I just crave this lifestyle and sitting watching TV most nights is driving me crazy.

AIBU to say "I really want to go" and if he has a problem with it just go anyway?

Whether it's kinky sex or a knitting club you have some work to do on your marriage - sounds like you are drifting apart. Can't you find something you both want to do together?

Quinteszilla Tue 18-Mar-14 23:17:31

So, a bunch of "kinky women", wearing normal clothes, meeting in a pub. Erm, I fail to see the appeal, but I guess it is up to you.

For all you know, it is just a bunch of bored women who fantasize about a kinky life, while usually just sitting stuck in front of the tv.

How about an exercise class? Yoga? Volunteering with the Red Cross?

HerrenaHarridan Tue 18-Mar-14 23:19:33

Go, don't spend your whole life wishing you had done stuff, just do it wink

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:20:18

"For all you know, it is just a bunch of bored women who fantasize about a kinky life, while usually just sitting stuck in front of the tv."

I'd fit right in then!!

I do choir and gym and friends. He does TV and alcohol.

He wants to play squash but there is only so long i will nag him about it, he doesn't actually get off his arse.

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:21:06

HerrenaHarridan - Thanks smile

LackingEnergy Tue 18-Mar-14 23:22:23

Go you may find you enjoy it and there will most likely be a munch that everyone can go to :-) do you talk about exploring kink with your DH?

Forgettable Tue 18-Mar-14 23:25:28

Well no need to ask permission, just say you are nipping to the pub for a drink with mates

(Is it awful I don't know what a munch is? #vanilla)

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:29:55

I did yeah, he doesn't give his opinion either way. Just overreacts and says "I don't want to change our whole relationship"...when I never mentioned that.

I tried to gently bring up the fact that we don't have that much sex (imo, 1.5 times a month is not enough for me) and I said I felt rejected at times as there is always an excuse as to why not. His reaction has been to be miserable and barely speaking/sulking for 3 days HOLD UP, not in an abusive arse way, he literally never does this and i can't stand sulking so I've been the one getting angry at him. He says "I'm not a real man, I can't satisfy you, I'm an autistic freak" sad poor bloke.

LackingEnergy Tue 18-Mar-14 23:30:01

A munch is an organised social meet up for kinky people or something like that. You can restrict the age range, gender etc or be open to everyone

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:30:36

Forgettable: I'm not though and he will ask what mates? I don't want to lie.

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:32:12

We have an array of naughty toys they just only get used once in a blue moon, which is almost more frustrating....you know the more i talk about this the more i think perhaps i ma being a spoilt brat and should be happy with what i have got.

Quinteszilla Tue 18-Mar-14 23:32:17

Just tell him you are looking for some lezzie luuvin. grin

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:32:35

am*

MummyBeerest Tue 18-Mar-14 23:34:16

Go. And have fun! Worst case scenario, you go, feel awkward and leave. Or just sit in the corner and drink.

But wrt to your DH-It sounds like he needs some additional help/support. Have you talked about that?

Forgettable Tue 18-Mar-14 23:34:16

Thanks, Lacking.

Every day's a school day, innit.

OP enjoy the munch.

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:37:12

MummyBeerest Yep I have said a few times since saturday "let's talk and try and sort something out". I've been empathic while attempting to problem solve for the most part (until today when i got angry because it is my birthday). Sexual support for ASD? Does that even exist!?

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:37:34

He has refused, as i said, sulking.

hickorychicken Tue 18-Mar-14 23:38:00

What happens at these meets?
Do you just talk about kinky sex?

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:39:34

hickorychicken I have no idea! I assume we will discuss "the lifestyle" -rolls eyes-

I've been to one. Mixed genders, all ages meeting for a bite to eat and a drink. Go for it.

hickorychicken Tue 18-Mar-14 23:42:00

See i would go just for a neb now!

Quinteszilla Tue 18-Mar-14 23:42:07

The "lifestyle" you have, or the one you want!?

It seems your dh is "dead weight".

Can you actually imagine to parent with him? How do you think he will be as a dad?

How long will it take you to conceive if you have sex 1.5 times per month?

LackingEnergy Tue 18-Mar-14 23:42:18

No, in fact the talk is vanilla unless you want to talk about kink

You go, meet some cool people, talk to them about anything, make some friends, eat food and drink drinks

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:48:19

neb??

LackingEnergy That sounds good! Sounds fun.

Quinteszilla Your getting a bit deep on me there. I'm chatting about kink not the complications of parenthood. But, yes, It is a concern, yes. I do worry. BUT he went to work all day and was fine all day, it is me who gets the brunt of it when he is home, he is perfectly capable of not acting like a stroppy child at work...so I'm hopeful he will manage this around the kids, if we do manage to conceive of course...

EyelinerQueen Tue 18-Mar-14 23:49:35

Go for it Star.

It actually sounds kind of fun. I wonder if there's one down my local grin

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:56:42

EyelinerQueen You never know! ;)

KissesBreakingWave Wed 19-Mar-14 00:42:33

EyelinerQueen, there almost certainly is. Or one of your locals, anyway. The one round here is second wednesday of each month. Gather, chat, have a couple of beers. That's a mixed all-ages one, and pretty typical.

Apart from the actual subject under discussion, it's exactly like any gathering of hobbyists in any pub anywhere.

No idea how a ladies-only one woud be different, but in my experience elderly dominas tend to be an absolute hoot with a couple of sherries down them.

fuckwittery Wed 19-Mar-14 05:30:06

I think you are just going to find thus frustrating. It will fuel your interest, which at present you are not able to pursue if you do not intend to cheat. You need to improve sex life at home a bit first, focus on what does turn your partner on to try and find some middle ground?

HillyHolbrook Wed 19-Mar-14 08:59:05

You should go! It's a good chance to meet new people and make new friends, and maybe someone there had similar problems with their DH and has advice on how to get around it.

If he properly hates it though, don't push it on him. You need to figure out a way to get him to talk about it though. Does he have hang ups about sex in general? Is it a difficult topic for him to be open about? I know a few people who were raised to believe it's a dirty thing, done purely out of necessity under the cover of darkness.

I've been to a mixed munch before. The stench of halitosis and brylcreem hit me as soon as I walked in. Hopefully the women only ones are slightly better

Hoppinggreen Wed 19-Mar-14 09:24:18

Just hope you don't meet your GP or the vicars wife or your child's teacher there!!!
Go for it, what's the worst that could happen?

OTheHugeManatee Wed 19-Mar-14 09:28:35

If you're worried about your life becoming dull and suburban I don't recommend the fetish scene as a solution - I speak from experience when I say few things are more suburban grin But I suspect I'm missing the point of your OP.

TBH I suggest paying some attention to the state of your marriage is a higher priority than having white wine spritzer sand oo-er missus conversations with a pubful of leathery swingers.

ItIsAnIdeasGame Wed 19-Mar-14 09:35:37

I think you are sexually frustrated and are looking to accidentally create options. Do not have children with a man you ate sexually incompatible with.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:15:28

Whatever happened to considering the thoughts and feelings of your partner. Try putting yourself in his shoes.

My hubby and I have a good and varied sex life. At various points in our life we've had times where he's wanted to try things I haven't, and I've wanted to try things he hasn't. Sometimes with much time the other has come around to the idea, sometime not.

Our golden rule is that everything sexual is only done with 2 ticks in the box, in otherwords consent from both.

If your situation were to come up in our situation, there's no way we'd go solo, solo doesn't equated to 2 ticks in the box for consent for the munch, and it would take one of us down a path that leads further away from the other. That's not good for the relationship so it wouldn't happen.

Now think about how he might feel. Inadequate, insecure, unimportant etc. it's no wonder he doesn't want more sex if he feels it's not satisfying you and that you are ignoring his preferences.

If you value your marriage, concentrate on that, on enjoying and making the most of the things you like to do together so you can both feel secure in each other.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 19-Mar-14 10:21:55

neb =nosy also used as a verb. stop nebbying=stop poking your nose in

MizTiggle Wed 19-Mar-14 10:23:24

Go! It's not like you're hitting Torture Garden or anything. Never pass up an opportunity to make some like-minded friends.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Mar-14 10:25:49

You must be young still - if kids aren't on the cards for a few years -

Are you sure this relationship is the one you want? It sounds v. dull for people in their 20s without kids.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:27:47

I don't think I'd be at all comfortable if my DH wanted to attend a similar thing and I am very open minded about sex...

I think meeting up with other people...strangers...because you share a fetish is one step away from swinging to be frank. Why share your sexual "thing"? It's private surely?

Meeting new friends is one thing but meeting potential new friends with your sexual fetish as the thing you have in common is a recipe for disaster.

Why don't you meet some friends who share something less personal with you??

MrsGoslingWannabe Wed 19-Mar-14 10:39:53

If your relationship is crap now, believe me, it'll be even worse once you've got kids.

growingolddicustingly Wed 19-Mar-14 10:43:48

For information swinging and BDSM are two completely separate things.

OP go to the munch and use it as an opportunity to talk to like minded submissive women about how they manage in their relationships with their other halves. BDSM is not all about sex either. It may be that you could meet your "submissive" needs by the way you and your OH interact with each other. Read as much as possible, talk to others and talk to your OH. I hope you both find some common ground.

HadABadDay2014 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:26

I think you need to accept that your DH is not a Dom, bdsm is a very personal thing and it looks like your DH will never be into this lifestyle.

Go to the group, it may or may not be for you however your sex life at home needs to be sorted before the sexless marriage is distroyed.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:47:07

GrowingOld I KNOW they're different things. What I am saying is that sharing your fetish as "something in common" is odd...it's something which is a step towards the next step. I made that clear.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:52:37

I'm really surprised at the amount of posts who don't see how damaging this would be to the relationship and how lacking in consideration it would be.

A munch is about sex, sex is part of a relationship. This can't be likened to a hobby which can be persued as a solo activity.

It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high. sad

SamandCat Wed 19-Mar-14 10:58:21

joysmum I agree with you entirely.Be honest with yourself. what are you hoping to get out of this meeting?Honestly?

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Mar-14 11:00:21

Meh, I think the relationship is the problem.

Op, I think you married someone you are not compatible with. This is going to be a big problem in a few years, if not now.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 11:01:02

That's what I think. Sex is private...unless you want to join in with others...which is your own choice...UNLESS you are in a relationship and your partner does not agree.

Then you decide which is more important.

dustarr73 Wed 19-Mar-14 11:17:22

I wouldnt go its disrespectful to your partner.If the shoe was on the other foot it would be cries of LTB.If your life is crap now and im assuming your only in your 20s,cut your loss.Either fix your marriage or end it.At this stage you should be hopping on each other and enjoy your life.Not sitting watching it disappear before your eyes.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 12:26:57

I just want to go and meet women my age with something in common, I'm not secretly looking for an opportunity to cheat. I just don't have many friends sad If he was really against it I would not go.

We are so in love! I don't think a problem in our sex life is 1, unsortable and 2, means we are incompatible. It can be improved...I just have no idea how to do that if he wont discuss it without freaking out. He is more important to me than anything in the world.

I just don't want to have a midlife crisis either when I'm 40, doing the school run and realise I'm not going to have the opportunities for fun I have now.

LiberalLibertine Wed 19-Mar-14 12:36:24

Oh go! I think you'll be forever wondering if you don't.

Your partner is being really unfair by not trying as hard as you to resolve your sexual problems.

Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him how detrimental it will be to your marriage over time, because it will.

LackingEnergy Wed 19-Mar-14 12:56:32

A munch is not a place to talk solely about sex or fetishes. Those things rarely get brought up at munches I've been to unless people want to talk about it.

Bdsm doesn't even have to involve anything sexual.

Just don't hide that you're going or force your partner to attend if they don't want anything to do with it. Having a shouting match with your partner and them breaking down and crying in front of all the people you've become friends with is a recipe for disaster (his partner band him from anything fetish related as well as talking to his munch friends about it. He skulks around online now trying to be a secret online only dom. He's very unhappy but won't risk his marriage)

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 13:02:18

If it is about making friends with whom you have something in common why not look for a meeting with people who are interested in the same craft or a book club or something less sleazy.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 13:02:31

I appreciate a munch is a social function, but the discussion you need to be having us with your husband about your relationship, not with anyone else (including mumsnet) which would take you further away from resolving the issue.

Anything relating to sex and your relationship needs to have consent, to do otherwise belittles your husband.

Odaat Wed 19-Mar-14 13:10:30

Wow, there is a whole other world out there passing me by...
A 'munch' to talk about 'kink' .... To be fair, I would rather doze on the sofa- but if your dh is ok with it, go for it!

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:14:01

LackingEnergy Thank you for the support and wise words. I'd never force him into anything. Sounds really hard for that couple. You on FL?

Sleazy... I don't think it has to be sleazy. I don't really have hobbies apart from choir and gym.

joysmum I'm certainly not going to do anything non consensual! :/
I've asked him if we can sit down and talk tonight, I'm going to forget about the munch for now and try and help him with the intimacy.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:15:09

Bloody autism, its so hard.

KissesBreakingWave Wed 19-Mar-14 13:17:12

Yeah, make it clear to your fella that bdsm doesn't necessarily, or even often, involve anything sexual. When I'm tying DP up, she's going into this beautiful calm, blissful meditative state and I'm hyper-alert to every little nuance of her and the rope. Entirely different to the way we are when DTD.

If you can convince him to learn a little shibari (rope bondage in the japanese style) - there are plenty of online tutorials - you can get him to treat it as a hobby, like say partner dancing.

A munch is about sex, sex is part of a relationship. This can't be likened to a hobby which can be persued as a solo activity

Have you been to a munch? It's the most unsexy place on earth. I'd get more turned on doing the Sainsburys shop

nilbyname Wed 19-Mar-14 13:21:30

Wow, it's Like Teflon, op, you just keep pinging back any mention of cracks in your relationship.

Your lifestyle and desires and out of step with your partners. You can not communicate effectively together to sort it out. When you become parents down the line, he can sulk still, but has to be jolly in front of the kids. Tell me why your are not running from the hills from each other??

You are on a slippery slope with the munch thing. And denying it is duplicitous.

Can anyone here think how this would go if it were a man posting here instead of a woman?

The idea of going to meet a load of strangers in a pub to talk about sex is, to me, really fucking odd. But I acknowledge that's just my opinion.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:28:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:29:21

BadgersRetreat It is odd! I'll give you that smile

nilbyname Wed 19-Mar-14 13:34:28

Easy lovely, perchance I hit a nerve?

Wake up and smell the lubricant.

Have fun at your non sexual, talking about sex and fetishism, unsexy munch club.

Great respect and boundaries with your partner.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:36:35

Not nerve, I just thought you were rude and unhelpful...but don't worry I am really waking up and smelling that lube...mmmmm. Silly lady smile

shakethetree Wed 19-Mar-14 13:45:56

Personally, I couldn't think of anything less sexy/erotic. A load of bored weirdos meeting up to discuss kinky sex - I feel a bit sorry for you tbh.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:45:58

OK. No munch at the moment, maybe in a month or two when things have settled. I'm going to google ASD and sex and see if there is anything I can be doing to help and I'm going to just be as non-judgemental and softly softly with him as possible and hope we can make things better.

As per, mumsnet rocks.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 13:47:12

shakethetree Yeah it may be one of those things I look back on when I'm in my 30s and just be like "what were you doing!?" who knows. We live and learn.

FabBakerGirl Wed 19-Mar-14 13:49:56

You seriously can't being children into an unhappy marriage, especially one where you hope your husband will curtail his unacceptable behaviour around them.

You need to break down and tackle each problem.

You aren't happy with your sex life and think meeting women who like things more exciting is the way to deal with it.

Your husband won't listen and acknowledge what you are saying.

You are not happy.

nilbyname Wed 19-Mar-14 14:05:02

fabakergirl better duck! op will tell you to go fuck yourself in 5, just saying.

LiberalLibertine Wed 19-Mar-14 14:08:55

No, don't think she will somehow nilby why are you being deliberately goady?

dustarr73 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:09:49

It doesnt matter if its the unsexiest thing in the world but going to something to talk about sex and your fetishes will not end well.
You need to sort out your marriage first.If it was the other way around and it was your husband on here saying this he would be shot down.|And rightly so.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 15:11:39

My first delete!

I really don't think this munch is a bad thing, but I think talking about it with DH is not wise ATM and we need to try and sort the sex out first. I'm just frustrated guys, life's so short sad but thank you all for helping me see the bigger picture.

I love him to bits I don't expect anyone to have a perfect relationship let alone when one has autism, the other one is headstrong and we are still getting to know ourselves and find our way in the world.

I'm chill, we will sort it out.

nilbyname Wed 19-Mar-14 15:24:16

Goady? Give over.

Op posts in Aibu, I give her a stronger opinion that she likes. I get told "so fuck you" in anger, and I find it offensive., and "silly lady" which is passive aggressive accompanied by the god awful smiley face.

Seriously, a bloke making this op would be thrashed!

But no, call me goady, and let's give the op encouragement to engage in a sexualised activity that her partner doesn't enjoy, and to do it without him.

But op, I'm glad you can see where some of us are coming from, and wish you well in the future and working it out with your dh.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 15:33:16

Thanks nilbyname, gotta love the detachment on the internet eh, IRL we would not dream of talking to each other the way we have today!

LouiseSmith Wed 19-Mar-14 15:34:55

Go!!! There so much fun. And kinky people are the most non judgemental people I've ever met. smile

Have fun x

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 16:45:39

Can't you not just get some erotic fiction ? I expect most of what gets talked about at these "talk about kink but not actually do it" kind of bashes is just that...fiction.

HadABadDay2014 Wed 19-Mar-14 18:04:50

autismnow.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Relationships-and-Sexuality-Tool.pdf

166 pages but if you got the time may be worth the read.

rainbowfeet Wed 19-Mar-14 18:20:40

If this is fairly near the beginning of your relationship I can see you coming back in 10 years time saying you are now living in a sexless marriage! If he is as uninterested in Sex vanilla or otherwise as this now imagine how he'll be in the future? Sounds like a mismatch of labido's & personalities too.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 20:00:58

IT WENT REALLY WELL. Like really well wink. We had good chats and sorted a lot of stuff out, he will try and make it a higher priority. Then he made it a higher priority! I'm so happy. Bugger stupid munches, I'm staying at home by His feet :D

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 21:17:08

Good for you both x

Now I hope you can work out something that suits both of your sex lives, instead of cheap thrills down the Wetherspoons grin

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